Hey Asshole!

If you are the owner operator of the above truck, this post is for you.

First, let it be known that I hate you. Not only for the harm you do to the environment by driving a GIANT truck. Not only because you are likely someone who lives 5 blocks from work, yet you need to drive this huge gas guzzler. Ever heard of walking asshole? Its great...except when you are enveloped in exhaust fumes while trying to get fresh air because some lazy fucking yuppie who has likely never been to a farm, yet needs a truck that could drag a barn is fucking up the atmosphere with all his gas burning.

I also hate you because this insane, behemoth of a tank you call your 'car' takes up 1.5 parking spaces in an area of the city where parking is at a premium. A place where i have to go 3 or 4 days of the week to go to court. So i need to spend MORE time trying to find a spot to park because you think you need 2. And do you pay for 2, I fucking doubt it.

The main reason I hate you? Today, while I was at court, you couldnt find 2 open parking spots....so instead you parked right against my car. RIGHT fucking against it. The door handles of your truck were pressed against my side window. Luckily for me, fuckwad, I was able to squeeze in thru my other door.

If i ever see your stupid house of a vehicle, I will kick it. Hard. And I am going to this site and getting stickers for you.

Thanks for ruining the environment and generally being a stupid fuck,

Juicy

'Dickfarm'

Im in a bit better of a mood today. Sure last night I was stood up to go to a rock show and have no one to go to the Oilers game with this Saturday...but well, I dunno. I guess Im not as pissed as yesterday.

Last night, while sitting in the bathtub, I decided something. Im approaching 30-- and it sucks...but Im not going into 30 with a whimper, im going into 30 with a bang. However, I havent realised what that means just yet. Will keep you posted.

What brought on the doom and gloom about 30-- and the subsequent 'fuck that melancholy '-- was I was thinking about Jackass. Ya see, Ive been thinking a lot about Jackass. I saw it on Saturday and every 20 minutes or so since then, I will erupt into laughter thinking about it. While in Court yesterday morning I had to stifle a giggle because the phrase 'dickfarm on my ass' popped into my head. [and with typing that, I just spend 10 minutes laughing til tears came from my eyes]

Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh right. 30. So I was thinking about how those guys are all over 30-- and they are still stupid. Thats pretty cool. So instead of being the pathetic '30 year old on a BMX (roll eyes)' ... I will be 'holy crap, shes 30 and on a BMX (exclamation point)'.

Haha. Seriously. Go see Jackass 2. Fuck. You know how they have the warning at the beginning and end of the show? Yeah, thats for people like me who, after seeing the movie, have an urge to run into street signs full speed, take shopping carts down dangerous hills, and see how far I can jump my bike off a building. Oh, and I wont stop talking about shit. I was very happy to see more dookie humour in this film when my fave skits in the first movie all involved poop.

This has nothing to do with the rest of the post, I just thought it was really cool. Its a Mario Wedding cake.



(Note: I just posted this...came back to the site. Read the post title and began giggling like an idiot again)

grumble grumble

Man am i in a pissy mood today. And now let me tell you why:

I get crabby when im really tired.

Im extremely tired because 'someone' who took the day off work to celebrate Yom Kippur decided to go drinking last night after his hockey game and came home at 5 in the fucking morning. So I went from being worried as to why he wasnt home on a Sunday night 2 hours after the bars close...to being infuriated when he waltzed into bed and said that 'oh, i shouldnt worry, dont I KNOW who he is?' Fucking idiot. And then, instead of letting me fall back asleep, continued talking to 'charm' me. GGGGRRRR!

Its also fucking cold outside today and, for some unknown reason, all weekend the air conditioning was on at the office. Its so cold my ass is almost freezing to the chair.

Fuck. Another client is here. Its time for another client. Im also super fucking busy and all i want to do is lay in bed with the blankie over my head for the rest of the day.

HNT: Workin' Late

Y'know how people joke that TV anchormen and women dont wear pants when they are TV...and you cant see it because of their news desk?

Guess what? Maybe lawyers are the same.

For more people showin' what the good lord gave em...see Osbasso

Acting class 2 (and some other stuff)

My second acting class was yesterday. I AM AN ACTORRRR! [No, not really. I was acting when i typed that. ]

The class is pretty fun...save for a couple of people in the class [there are always one or two] who complains about every friggin thing we do. Like, dude, if you arent happy, then drop out of the class. This isnt a mandatory class you need for some degree. Your mom wont need to provide you with a permission slip. No one cares, now get the fuck out. Oh, and he has mentioned about 6 times that he is a 'believer in Christ'. Ususally mid sentence when he was complaining about something. How does someone bring that up so often in conversation? It would be like if I constantly brought up that i liked eating cheeseburgers. Hello, I would like $40.00 of the premium unleaded and I am an eater of cheeseburgers. Can you please pass me the sugar? I am an eater of cheeseburgers. I guess Im just crabby at him because i was partnered up with him last week and he told me that the 'expressive story from one minute of my life' was dull.

Anyways, the teacher/instructor/coach/iamaneaterofcheeseburgers told us to keep a journal after the class. Which isnt that hard for me cuz I am always writing down my innane and usually uninteresting factoids here on the old blog. So here is how i felt last class: [you dont need to read this-- honestly, its just for me and the class. but you can. wanker.]

- excited that everyone laughed and was entertained by the stuff i did

- We had to go around and say the work 'no' but we were given a body motion that we needed to do while we said it: i was amazed that the form that we used to say the word no really affected the meaning of the word and the content.

- comfortable around the classmates

-At the end of class we played a game sorta like musical chairs, except you had to make eye contact with someone and throw a ball to the person instead of sit down when the music stopped: I was the first one eliminated. I found that i spend more time wondering if people are paying attention to me than actually paying attention to them

Im looking into buying tickets for a dinner and show of a Neil Diamond cover band this weekend. I bet were the only ones there under 50. I think i might buy pearls and opera glasses. Thats pretty cool.

I had a dream that I dyed my hair blonde last night. Maybe I am Power Girl. I am also an eater of cheeseburgers.

25 and older

This co worker of mine just told me Im lucky because i can go to the bars in Calgary that are "25 and Older".

I think i want to cry.

The worst part is that when i picture '25 and older' bars i think of a bunch of pretentious fucks in suits buying $9.00 martinis. Maybe if the 25 and older bars had cookies and pinball Id like them more. Then we'd have reason to keep those meddling kids out of them.

On a somewhat related note [kids = candy = halloween], I had a dream last night that i dressed up as 'Power Girl' for halloween. Awesome. Id need waterballoons for her boobs, though. I think the rest of the dream was about Projest Runway...so Im not sure how she popped in there. Maybe I made the costume or something.

On a totally unrelated note, This is the best Jesus sighting EVER

As a final, obscure note, I think Im addicted to Mentos. Especially the tropical fruit and grape ones. I blame the fact that Ive seen this video 2000 times lately [ but its still funny] That and I really just like chomping on candies.

Oooh! which brings me back to being a kid... and not someone who goes to '25 and older' bars.

There's A Good Reason Some Talent Remains Undiscovered *

Shit, man, I feel like ive been missing in action for the last 2 weeks. I cant believe its almost the end of September. Weird, especially after it felt like August took forever.

So first-- the wedding. The pics are on Flikr, but I mean thats only if you like pictures of people you dont know dressed up fancy and drunk cuz honestly, thats all a wedding really is. This particular wedding was actually 3 days of dressed up intoxication-- a stagette/stag, kareoke party BBQ, then the actual wedding. Our group of friends managed to clear the bar of tequila, baileys, and sake by the first night it was open.

Now for my take on the good people of Winnipeg beach: ever see the movie 'Waiting for Guffman'? Yeah. It was like that. They kept line dancing [ and im pretty sure they made the line dances up themselves too] to every song. Some of the cousins sang a rendition of 'Wind Beneath my Wings' [ with dance steps and acoustic guitar accompanyment]during the wedding ceremony and a majority of the guests were between the ages of 45 to 80. But dont get me wrong, it was a good time.

Yes, I sang kareoke...but i know that i rocked it because the table of Japanese guests [ the bride is japanese] were standing and cheering while i was singing. And some old ladies started an unofficial fan club or something. Maybe it was because 'Take a Chance on Me' by ABBA is universally appealing...maybe its because of my stage presence.

Last work week was pretty short-- Tuesday to Friday-- and on Friday I had to go to Edmonton for discoveries. Going to Edmonton is always a little weird. I miss that place so much, yet i say i could never move back....but then i go there and it still feels like home. ( And the fact that my Oilers won on Thurs against the Flames probably helped. ) Its also good to see my nephews.

Jer didnt come with me because of work...and I missed that guy. We went for a dinner and a movie date last night. I wanted to see Jackass 2...he wanted to see All the Kings Men...which kinda surprised me cuz hes not too big on political dramas. As we were leaving the theatre, he says to me:

I thought this was the movie with Robert DeNeiro in it.

What?

And Di Caprio.

No-- thats The "something". It comes out next week.

Why didnt you tell me that before we saw it?

So, no, he didnt want to see a movie about political corruption in the 1950s-- he just thought it was the shot em up mobster movie with Deneiro. Fair enough.

I have my second acting class tomorrow. Did I tell you that i was taking one? Well I am. Maybe Ill be discovered.


(* thats the tagline for Waiting for Guffman...it seems to work for this post)

Post #500

Let's Celebrate!


















(Guess what my #1 hobby is? )

Semi-normal posting to resume once i return from E-town this weekend....

4 Days in the 'Peg

Much drinking. Much dancing. Much stupidity. I will post and put some pics up on Flikr soon, but right now im stuck doing much work.

say what say what?

so im typin this without looking at my fingers and apparently i am an ok typer/ typist? baaah i dunno

someone stole mmy purse tonite: i had a camera, my fone, and my wallet avec my ID and money innit. my purse reappeared 30 min later with alll but 80 dollars intact. it waas durinmg j-fry's show. good show BTW

jerks who stole my cash money. grr

wedding this wknd. no work for 2 says wahoo.

wordword

shake it donnt break it

HNT: Im bringin' Sexy Back!

So the first time I heard that Justin Timberlake's new single was called 'Sexy Back" ( waaay before i actually heard the song )THIS is what i thought he meant.

No seriously. I was all " why would he write a song about thinking someone's back is sexy?" Kinda weird if ya think about it, but there are a lot of weirder fetishes out there i think.

Go rock out with your you-know-what out with Os here!

Today Sucks.

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nataliedee.com

...plus, I just heard Brtiney Spears popped out another greasy Federline baby

Say no to crack

I think my friend Sonja is on the same wavelength as me, only a few days after i decided to google 'fat man on a motorcycle' she emailed me this:


Awesome.

I had one of those moments this weekend where i was super drunk and thought that everyone else was drunk, too. In retrospect, I dont think they were and were just laughing at me and my hijinks. Im not sure why, but I thought it was a good idea to drink while waching a "True Hollywood Story" about Lisa Marie Presley. By the time we all went for dinner, I had consumed quite a bit of vodka. I vaguely recall writing my blog address on the stall in the washroom of this shady punk/goth bar. Thats pretty sad. I also was pretty sure i audio blogged-- which means that i may had dialed the wrong number and left a sprawling message on someone in San Francisco's voice mail about dancing, drinking, and quite possibly with me singing, too.

Im going to a wedding this weekend. In Winnipeg. Ive never been to Winnipeg so I dont know if its a good thing or not. I am looking forward to taking 2 days off, though. I also like flying so that should be cool too. I bought a brown dress to wear. Awesome

In the weird dream department, after watching a Miami Ink marathon on TLC yesterday and 3 episodes of Six Feet Under, I dreamt I was trying to get pregnant, except that my career as a tattoo artist was making it difficult for me to conceive, based on all the chemicals i used. [ No, Im not trying to get pregnant, BTW, so dont ask]

Jackass 2 comes out in 11 days. Im so excited I could pee. In a snowcone. And then eat it.

Fun with google

For some reason i decided to google 'fat guy on a motorcycle'. I dont know why. But here is the result:



2 more hours til hometime.

COCKROACH VS. WEATHERMAN

mindless amusement for your enjoyment...

Good to be a dick

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nataliedee.com

Still a chance to get a CD if you want one-- full of bum wigglin fun. Sorry, Itchy, there's no Hollaback Girl on it cuz, as everyone knows, thats the song that will play at my funeral and this CD is all about fun, not death. And Danger. Its about danger too. [But there IS a cool Hall and Oates track on it!]

Yesterday when I was driving home from work I saw something really weird-- and sadly, it wasnt on the news to explain it. On a fairly major road last night, at about 530 pm, I witnessed an older gentleman, wearing what looked like his housecoat and jammies, being chased by 3 police officers down the street. The cop cars were parked on the lawn of a house where an equally older lady was sitting, wearing a fancy velvet type dress and crying. It was so weeeird that i was honestly looking for the cameras thinking it was for a movie or TV-- cuz it just seemed too odd to be real. I wonder if they ever caught pajama man. Or why velvet lady was crying.

They have been playing the last season of the Sopranos everynight at 10 pm this last week. I think it is directly responsible for why i keep dreaming of doing drugs and shooting people. I hope.

So heres a new conspiracy theory-- about my gym. Ive talked about my gym before-- its filled with a lot of ken and barbie types and muscle heads. I have recently also been playing "spot the eating disorder" with some people [ I blame it on my watching of Starved...huh. who knew HBO shows would have such an effect on me] Anyways-- its a big gym chain filled with vain peple: now to my theory. Its about the scale in the women's washroom. I think its set to be 5 pounds heavier, at the beginning of the week, but then slowly goes down over the rest of the week. And heres why-- people go there. Start working out, go check their weight and GASP! I weight THAT much? I need to keep coming here to lose more weight. Two days later: Oh wow! Im down 3 pounds! Friday: Great! Im feeling thin and fine... then Monday: BLAM! Fuck! Im back to being fat! I better keep coming. Yeah. Thats right. Im onto you gym. I know I didnt weigh that much on Monday! I dont think its possible to fluxuate 5 pounds in 2 days.

This is the post where I tell you more about myself, but you know more about me than I would usually divulge

Thats what Ridley called this. Others just referred to it as 8 things i havent told you yet. Me, I think its a step between my normal blogging fare...and what I'd send into Postsecret [ and yes, I have sent 2 into them]. Enjoy.

1. It takes me approx. 40- 45 minutes to fall asleep every night. I wake up approx. 30 minutes before Jer does and lie there awake. I usually spend this time freaking out about work, planning what I will wear the next day, or wondering what i will blog about.

2. I have had 5 things happen in my life that i would consider a 'crisis' which have somehow changed me. Two are about death, one is a break up, one an operation, and the last one is an accident.

3. I think my parents' house is haunted. For a while, I just thought I was losing it...but then once while i was pretty sure that "something" was in my room, my dog, Saki, came running downstairs and began barking at that spot in my room. And Saki never barked except in his sleep. After that, I decided to just not tell anyone about whenever i thought the "something" was around. My secret (and Saki's I guess).

4. I really do think about running away...and i have done so in the past. However, I think in the past i ran away not because i was stressed, but because i was bored.

5. I hope I never have to explain my conduct during my 20s to my children. I mean its funny now...but how does one explain the need to snort cocaine and sleep with multitudes of men whose name you cant remember? Hey kids! Dont do drugs. Or sleep around. Or drink heavily and wake up in beds with more than one guy and a couple girls. And dont read my blog either, okay?

6. My feet are hairy. I get pissed off when people comment about them. Deal with it.

7. The first boy I kissed was named Tyler Romanuk. I really didnt like him that much- he was short- I liked his friend, Dean, but Dean was 'dating' Jayme Foster. I was in grade 2 at the time.

8. I believe that my unnatural affection for KFC spawns from the fact that when I was a kid, if I was good, they told me I would get chicken-- but if not, we had to have meatloaf or liver instead. And while other kids got money for passing their classes, I was promised chicken.

Thats it thats all. I wont tag anyone, but feel free to do it if ya like

I dreamt last night i was a heroin junky

Seriously. And I went to rehab and i kept thinking 'hey this isnt so bad', but then someone told me that i was still high and thats why i felt okay. The best part was that rehab was like summer camp-- canoeing, campfire songs, there were even sticker books. Sigh. I wish I could go to rehab.

I know its not August anymore, but I still have lotsa funny things to show on my blog. Like for example, I read this this morning and couldnt stop giggling. Silly ice cream loving hedgehogs.

I didnt mean to be rude yesterday about the CD exchange. I can make copies for anyone who wants one. I listened to it this morning and it ruled. Yeah, most people will be like 'dang, this is a really shitty CD' and 'this is not imaginative nor exciting at all' but, well, fuggoff. I never said it would be. Im not a music snob... i wont hate you because you like music on the radio [ although i may mock you mercilessly about it]. I think the most recent song on the CD is from 2001. Cuz everyone knows they havent made anything good music wise since then. [kidding, of course] Honestly. If you want a copy, just email me yer addy. Ill do it up, motherfuckers.

Looking through my pictures on my computer I realised that I would prolly actually like pictures of myself if someone else took them. That being said, I would likely need to hire someone to follow me around all day to do it, because whenever the moment of 'this would be a funny picture' hits me, there is no one there to take it. Like there was this episode of a show once [for some reason im thinking Ally McBeal?!?!] where Mariah Carey was this chick who hired someone to follow her around with spotlights so she always looked good. Yeah. I need that, but with pictures. All my self portraits make me look like i have a fat neck or something. Mariah's got the right idea.

I have decided that the next post will be profound, rather than just mindless babble. Sorry 'bout all this. Email me for a CD, mkay?

Secrets of a long or short life.

Fuck, I sure have had trouble doing the daily updates lately. Stupid work. If it didnt pay my bills and give me something to do every day between the hours of 830 and 500, why id just up and quit this motherfucker. But i wont.

So we had a long weekend. It was good. I went to Edmonton to see the nephews, went on the outdoor waterslides in Winterburn [Note to Edmontonians Ridley and Serfx-- you fuckin gotta go to the outdoor waterslides. Good times man. Real good. I thought that place wasnt open, but it is, and no one knows that its open so its totally empty. Never any line ups and a friggin good time.], and then watched a good ole CFL football game live on Monday. Like I said, good friggin times.

Im super sassy today. Must be the rejeuvenation from an extra day of sleeping in or something.

Im still crafting the awesomeness that is the CD exchange. If you are in on it, whoa dude its going to rock.

I heard that the Crocodile Hunter died last night on the news. Its kinda sad...but honestly, didnt we all kinda expect this? I mean the dude purposely puts his life in danger with scary animals all the time. It woulda been sad [as in pathetic] if he died in his sleep or from a heart attack. Still though, I did get a kick out of the guy and its too bad that hes dead.

Okay so I heard something really fuckin weird on the radio this morning. Apparently the oldest woman in the world died yesterday. Her secret to long life? -- drinking donkey milk. Ummmm. Am I the only one who thinks this sounds pretty sick? I keep trying to imagine what this will taste like, but all i can think about is how bad donkey poop smells. And then i try to picture milking a donkey-- and it doesnt look like a good idea. I guess what im saying is that drinking donkey milk guarantees living to 116 years, then im okay not making it that long.

So today you learned that drinking donkey milk is good for you..but weird...and that playing with stingrays and crocodiles is bad for you...and stupid. I wish those waterslides were closer.

HNT: Slllluuuurp!

Ever found a bunch of self portraits on your camera after a night of drinking? Yah. This is one of those. Im pretty sure this is the bathroom at the Hockey arena.

Im also sure i was feeling that blurry too.

For more HNT or to figure it all out, go see here.

Take this job and shove it

Super Office Space



Awesome. So very awesome. Aquaman as Drew is the best ever.

Today is one of those days where i just want to get really stoned and play video games. Actually, the game i really want to play is called 'Board Game Top Shop' its absolutely retarded and Ive been looking for it for years. Its like monopoly-- except Japanese and weird. You roll a pencil [?!?] and travel around a shopping mall opening stores, then stocking them with weird shit. And your character choices include a 1970s greaser, a dancing cactus, a fat cat with a top hat and cigar, and my personal fave, a TV screen named 'Chat'. Strange things happen like all of a sudden a girl in a bikini named Santa shows up and dances around...or you are rewarded with slippers. Anyways, I need to get this game, get stoned, and drink slurpees. I really dont need to work.



Todays weird site, in the same vein as BGTS, I thank my main homeboy Pusher Robot for-- TV in Japan. Since he sent it to me, Ive been going there daily. I also go to Engrish daily. Nothin like weird asian shit.

I wish they woulda had a Melvin on the Super Friends office space...

Federtastic

[there are pictures-- but friggin blogger wont let me show them. cockfags.]
I didnt go into work on Friday-- I took a personal day to get shit done. However, i really just spent the day vacuuming, washing my car, and looking like Kevin Federline. Beaters, baggy sweats, and greasy hair = hot.

I was supposed to go to Etown this weekend and it didnt work out. My doggie sitter bailed on us/there was some sort of mix up, so it ended up that unless Digit could be left alone, we werent going. And I know that bastard woulda hada big party, bought hookers and blow and trashed the place. He woulda called me from jail looking for bail money and his squeaky toys.



Hide your bitches-- its party boy!

So instead, we just hung out and did nothing on Saturday. I bought some meat, Jer bought some comic books. Oh, which reminds me, if you ever want to feel awesome, go hang out at a comic book store. Especially when they have a Magic: The Gathering tourney going on. I went to go use the toilet [located in tournament central on an upper floor] and when i walked in the room, the room went completly silent-- at least 50 males from the ages of 16 to 45 just stared at me. Most were wearing black t-shirts with some sort of comic book or movie hero on it, had glasses, frizzy hair, and pimples. I wish it was just that i was stereotyping nerds, but im not. Thats what they looked like. Like if the comic book store guy had fathered an ungodly army of geeks. Anyways, the worst part was the unisex washroom was absolutely sick. I believe i was the first female to EVER use it...and it hadnt been cleaned in about 15 years. Ugggg. Not pretty.

When we got home, I think Jer had a flashback to his teen years-- I caught him looking for an online D and D playgroup. I guess i shouldnt talk, I used to dress up like Sailor Moon characters... although i havent looked for a online local cosplay group in the Calgary area...yet.



I just survived 20 hit points!

On Sunday we went to Banff. We soaked in the hottub, hung out with a bunch of european people [ as determined by the tell tale speedos], then bought some candy and went home. Jer made me buy these sweat hotpants that he said are 'very Mariah Carey'. Strangely, I never thought of dressing, purposely, to look like her...shes kinda a loon. Wow, from K-Fed to Mariah. I hada busy weekend.

A rare, Canadian PSA Announcement

Don't you put it in your mouth.


This used to be on TV all the time when i was a kid. Its about not doing drugs...but im sure it can be applied to so much more. It kinda creeps me out now, actually.

HNT: Dazed and Contused

Im very accident prone. I cant actually recall a time when i didnt have bruises on my upper thighs or hips. I always run into doors, fall down stairs, and trip over things. People must think im abused or something, but nope...just a klutz. And now the blogging public knows it.

More HNT for ya? Go see Osbasso

I think i may actually be high right now

Its still one of those days. Groan. However, I have convinced my assistant to buy me a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans so i am pretty much high as a kite right now. Maybe she accidently bought me chocolate covered coca leaves or something, cuz I sorta have that coke binge buzz at this moment.

Ive decided to take a personal day on Friday in lieu of running away to Iowa. I know I know, the dream was fun as it lasted.

Every shop in our complex [except for the Salvation Army and us] has been broken into/ held up in the last week. Part of me is scared, thinking we are next. Another part of me is kinda annoyed-- like we are as bad as a store selling soiled blankets and clothes from the 1970s? Geez. Talk about beating up the ole ego. What i dont understand is that if every building in a small area has been held up over the last week, you'd think there'd be more of a police presence in this area...but nope. It still took them an hour to check out the latest robbery. If I was the police id watch the area more...but i dunno, that may be the coffee beans talking.

Im planning on joining a dodgeball league. Im super pumped. I hope i become the person that all the other teams fear. That'd be awesome.

Speaking of awesome, Jer sent me this and its pretty fricking good. Guys getting hit in the nuts= pure comedy gold.

I feel like running away today. Just getting on the next Greyhound bus and going where it takes me? Like to Iowa. That'd be cool. Id stop along the way and buy new clothes and change my hair and assume a new identity.

Of course, Id call for Jer in a few weeks and tell him to come to Iowa and look for Lurleen O Sullivan [ as that would be my new name]and to meet me at the Dairy Queen.

Or maybe Im just having a crappy day at work and need a day off.

Fuck it. Who wants to go to Iowa?

Juicy's tips to saving your life

A client just called me 'Shakira'. Hmmm. I dont get it. Must be my non-lying hips. Actually, I think its because he saw a little belly and belly ring. Golly, ya wear one shirt thats too small, and all of a sudden you are a Columbian pop singer.

Sorry about the crabbiness yesterday. Its warmer outside today so im not nearly as pissy. And its Friday, so thats gotta count for something.

Jer's team plays game 2 of their series tonight and, should they win, they will win the cup. Last year it was quite the party-- it involved drinking out of a cup, many shooters, and some dancing at a really crappy bar in calgary. Im hoping tonight is just as great. After they win, of course. Go Aces!

Im really into this show on the Discovery channel right now about plane crashes called 'Mayday!' The best part is that every episode starts with this omnious music and a voice over calling it 'One of the WORST Aviation accidents in recent history'. You know that the show will end with 500 people dying and people asking why. Its really quite macabre. Here's some episode descriptions:

In July 2002, a passenger plane and cargo plane collide after the passenger plane receives conflicting instructions from air traffic control and the aircraft's anti-collision equipment.

In December 1995, a state-of-the-art Boeing 757 bound for Cali, Colombia, slams into a mountain after going 19 kilometres off-course; investigation reveals that the pilots were baffled by the plane's sophisticated automation.

Dang. Fucking Horrible. Yet... i still watch it, sometimes staying up to 100 AM to find out whether it was pilot error or bad weather conditions. I have learned in my watching of it that its the safest to sit in the back 5 rows of the plane if you plan to survive a crash. You can all use that tip if you like. Thats right, i might have just saved your life. You're welcome.

In the spirit of the show, heres a site about someone who is amused by the safety cards that the planes have and has created captions for them. Airtoons. And just think, you might learn something while you are laughing... like did you know why they say 'dont inflate the life jacket until after the plane hits water?' I do. Because you need to undo your seatbelt after the plane hits, and with the jacket on you may be pulled to the top of the plane...making it nearly impossible to pull the buckle. And then you may need to swim to safety through the plane wreckage under the surface and, again, you cant in a life vest. Just ask the people on Ethiopian Airlines Flight 961...well, at least the ones who survived. I just saved your life again. Fuck i rule today.

Go Aces!

I want to speak to the manager

I decided not to HNT today. No real reason, except I kinda felt blaah yesterday and didnt want a picture of me semi-nude and looking so boring. Maybe Ill dye my hair, get some new rings, or get a tan or something and then ill be in the mood again. I think its the weather. Its like in the last week its decided to be fall outside. It was only 6 degrees this morning. Fuck. Its still August. This is bullshit. I want my money back.

That reminds me of a story-- one of the chicks i work with has a friend who is constantly sending back food, returning items, asking to speak to the manager, etc. because shes not pleased with the temperature/service/colour/etc. etc. etc. The real kicker is that, naturally, this chick is super wealthy and has never worked a day in her life. Shes 19, drives a Hummer, and spends her days shopping. I guess the chick literally threw a plate of spaghetti at the poor busser at Kelsey's who makes $5.00 and hour when she wasnt pleased about how the food tasted last week. Whats the fucking deal with people like that? Im sure if that chick had ever worked at a shitty, service industry job shed understand why she sucks. And why she has probably eaten tons of spit from servers in the last few years. Why was i ranting about this? Fuck i cant recall... maybe cuz i just hate people lately. And this chick is the kind of person who just really pisses me off.

My hate for people has really escalated lately--its not just for clients and people who drive yellow cars anymore. Like I hate people on tv shows. For example, on Six Feet Under I hate this chick Brenda. Whenever someone talks about her on the show or she is on, I start going off about what a cunt she is and get super angry. Yes, i understand its just tv. Shes just an actress reading a script. But i really hate her. Maybe there just arent enough real people for me to hate anymore, so i have to move onto fictional characters. When i start yelling insults and get angry at cartoons, Ill seek professional help.

Im still thinking of why i hate my co-worker's friend. Jeremy thinks i just hate all rich people. I dunno. Maybe its the scathing little socialist in me. Hmmm. Ill seek professional help on that one too.

Okay, now because i got all my crabbiness out of my system [ no- actually there is still plenty of crabby to go around... just im too crabby to keep typing] here's a funny website. These guys seem obsessed with Kittens. Viking kittens, army kittens, kittens getting married....and naturally, kittens rocking out and singing about a gay bar. I found this when i was in law school and i think i made every single person in my college watch this at some point in time. If you go to the main site, the one about spoonguard always makes me laugh too.

Today in History

Today is Wednesday, Aug. 16, the 228th day of 2006. There are 137 days left in the year.

- On Aug. 16, 1977, Elvis Presley died at Graceland Mansion in Memphis, Tenn., at age 42.

- In 1812, Detroit fell to British and Indian forces in the War of 1812.

- In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time Incorporated.

- In 2000, delegates to the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles formally nominated Al Gore for president. [ This is likely because he invented the internet. Who wouldnt want a president of that calibre? Oh wait, Florida.]

- Ten years ago: A jubilant Bob Dole set out from the Republican convention, promoting his tax-cut plan as a boon to working families. [Bob Dole! Bob Dole!]

- Two years ago: A bored Edmonton girl living in Calgary who was single, unemployed, and broke, decided to stop bitching about the state of her life to her friends, and instead started telling random people on Al Gore's own internet her problems and drinking stories instead. She named it after the fictious intersection she lived on-- being that there is no 13 and 13 intersection in the southwest of Calgary...but if there was one, it woulda been exactly where her apartment building was located. Wanting to keep some anonimity, she called herself 'Juicy A' after the joke nickname 'Juicy Ass' she was given from a website giving out random "prison bitch" names.

The Intersection is coming into its terrible twos-- which means, potty training, walking, forming sentences... and the throwing of temper tantrums. Should be a good time. I suggest wearing a rain coat.



Thanks to everyone who has been mildly amused for the past two years while reading about my life and looking at my pictures. Ill keep doing stupid shit and posting about it whether you tune in or not...but its nice to have an audience.

Blogger is a...

One frickin week. Thats how long its taken for blogger to allow me to post. I have inadvertently become one of those absentee bloggers who only post every month or so and take up room on your sidebar links...but never has that "New stuff" thingy in front of it. I totally suck.

So I did plan on posting all those 'draft' posts that the blogger system has been keeping for me over the last week, but fuck man, that shits already a week old. Ill give you the Coles Notes version.

-Slack Babbath = Black Sabbath cover band that rules

-Aces [Jer's hockey team] won round 1 of playoffs-- start round 2 today

-More mint juleps.

-still cant waterski or wakeboard

-work is nuts

There you are,I saved you 5 minutes of reading all those posts.

Now some much coveted 'New stuff': I suck as a lumberjack. Seriously. Sunday Jer and I decided to do some extreme pruning of this tree that is next to our house. Thats 'extreme' in the X games type of way... like picture me, in my pjs, climbing up a giant tree, and then sawing off giant limbs with a hacksaw. Now picture me, with the same tree limb, trying to throw it into a dumpster...but getting smacked in the forehead with it. Then stumbling back... and flopping on the ground. All that was missing were the little blue tweety birds and stars circling my head. I have a giant goose egg on my head now and, naturally, had to explain to everyone at work what happened.

[I dont know why i decided to cut down trees in my pajamas, in case your wondering.]

I went and saw a friend's band play at the skatepark yesterday. Yes, we were the only ones there older than 20. Actually, older than 16 is probably more correct. They are quite amusing. They have a song called 'Longboard Short Dick'. The lyrics (in entirety) are:

Longboard Short Dick,
Longboard Short Dick,
Longboard Short Dick,
Longboard Short DICK!'

Id tell you the name of the band, but honestly, I dont know how to spell it.

I watched the finale of Hells Kitchen. Im glad my boyfriend Gordon got it right. Now if only he would come to Calgary and whisk me away. [pun intended. whisk-- get it?]

I havent given up on the funny site of the day, in fact I was saving this one for a special occasion: Men who look like Kenny Rogers It hasnt been updated in a while, but its fucking great. And those corn muffins are deee-licious.

There's drunk... then there is 'mint julep drunk'

As long as I have watched the Kentucky Derby and Gone with the Wind, I have wanted to try a mint julep. Something about a big frosty silver cup being handed to you by a servant in white gloves while you sit out under a magnolia tree really spoke to me. However, I learned on Friday a few other facts about drinking MJs:

1. The longer it mellows, the tastier it becomes

2. I get really drunk on Jim Beam.

3. I get really drunk and hyper on Jim Beam mixed with sugar and mint

4. I began to speak with a Southern accent and was curiously interested on the price of cotton and whether the south would rise again

5. After not too long, I began slurring my southern accent.

Anyways, the verdict is they are pretty good. Not really a drink at the bar drink, but more of a 'im home and dont plan on going anywhere very fast very soon' drink.

[Note: There are pictures, but blogger is being a punk ass bitch and wont let me post them. Assclown]

The football game on Saturday was fun. Saskatchewan Roughrider fans are weeeird dude. They were all wearing watermelon helmets on their heads and seemed more interested in pissing off Stamps' fans than actually watching the game. There was a streaker at the end. That was pretty funny. He apparently went 110 yards before his arrest. [sadly, no one has it on youtube. sorry, i looked]

Other weekend fun included my babysitting of another greyhound, Bongo, who happens to be Digit's little female doppleganger. Im not too happy with her right now as she was protesting her accomodation at 4 am this morning...which got Digit rooing and complaining as well. Idiots.

I wonder if Drew from Toothpaste for Dinner reads my blog-- cuz he posted this cartoon last week after i linked to 'With you Always'.

If you do, dude, your shit totally cracks me up-- both of your sites and your wife Natalie's as well. Highlight of the day. And I think your fat pugs are cute.

So my website of the day will be the above linked sites... hooray for drew and natalie! the best time wasting daily internet cartoons of the internet!

Countdown to long weekend mayhem

I absolutely killed yesterday in Court. I stabbed a man to death with a pen, just to watch him die. [no, not really...but its a better story than I just got 15,000 in retroactive child support and 1500 in costs against the other guy] So Im in a pretty good mood today. Its also the long weekend-- another classic Canadian 'first weekend of the month so we need a holiday' day, but fuck, I aint complaining. If it means i get to sleep in, they can call it whatever they want.

I hope to spend this long weekend alike the last one: either drunk or stoned. We have tickets for the football game on Saturday and because Jer's personal trainer used to play with the Calgary team, they are really great seats. Canadian football isnt as big ticket as it is in the US and the 'superstars' arent as great, but its still a great way to spend an evening. And, to make it better, right after the game we are going to watch a Black Sabbath cover band at a bar on the other side of the tracks. Fuck-ing Awesome. For some reason, I keep picturing Jack Black as the lead singer. [Side Note: Holy Fuck! I just read that there will be a Tenacious D Movie! Im super pumped now!]

CBK was in town yesterday and me and Jer went for supper with him. I have also started a new tradition for bloggers who want to come to my 'hood to hang out-- if you come to Calgary, I will take you to a restaurant where they serve copious amounts of food served on a garbage can lid and expect you to talk hockey with Jer. Well, maybe not the hockey part, but it was pretty fun to eat the 'Big Meaty Platter' at the cajun restaurant.

Mkay, I have to go do some work now so I can leave work early. Today's funny site is actually 'funny strange'. I really dont know how to explain it...but Ill ask you this-- Why isnt Jesus spotting the weightlifter? He looks pretty buff. Now i present "With you always"

Half Nakers Thursday: Porno

...is what I had this picture named in my work computer's 'my pictures' folder, which is pretty funny cuz if some random tech guy was going thru my work stuff on my computer [or my boss, for that matter] and saw the name, he would 100% likely check it out. However, what is even funnier, is that the other pictures with the less assuming names of 'pinky', 'left-one', and 'closeup' are actually closer to porn that this one...not to mention the whole folder that is titled 'HNT'.

Im guessing that i named this picture porno cuz I seem to be making some sort of porn face. I was actually messing around with the timer when i was taking some HNT pics and got caught disrobing at this second the picture was taken.

I bet i get a lot of google hits for this one....

Go check out everyone elses' porno faces here at Osbasso's page.

Warning: This post involves many cuss words

Blogger has been a motherfucking cunt ass bitch lately and hasnt let me post anything in the last day and a half. Blogger is a total whore. I blame global warming, tailgating, and Mel Gibson's anti-semitism on Blogger. Fucking douchebag.

Hee hee. Cussing out inanimate objects is totally fun. Almost as fun as the word "cussing".

So anyways, I was totally pumped about yesterday being the start of the month and how, looking back on my July 'to do' list, I ACTUALLY have completed some of the things. I have lost 6 pounds, and my dog got his shots. Im still in-debtor the robot of poor credit, but Ive worked out a plan of sorts to pay them down. I wont bore you with the details cuz, uh, they are pretty boring. Im kinda sad that I never kept up with the daily stock photos, but i think that its been hard for me to blog every day when Ive been so motherfucking cunt ass cock sucking cornhole popping busy lately.

Ive been trying to think of a theme for August-- and thought of nothing. Then i just started looking at websites that I find funny. Hence, a theme popped into my lately less than imaginative mind . Im going to try to put at the end of every post a link to a site that i go to because i think its funny. Yah, not too original, but what the fucking christ are you going to do.

So as my first choice-- a classic. "Hat Baby". If you have never seen hat baby before, well... you suck. Im sorry its true. This is likely one of the fucking funniest things on the interweb. Its a persian song...that someone in sweden thought was a swedish song about someone wearing a hat. It has since been turned into a drinking song of sorts. Anyways, its fucking hilarious and the part with putting glue on a ham cracks me up everytime. And does the guy on the left look like Kelsey Grammer to you, too?

Fuck yeah

fuck

shit

If they take my red swingline, Ill burn down the office

3 minute bunny Joy.

And I dont like talking about my flair, either.

Im on to you, Gatorade.

I was actually very efficient at work this month. I billed an average of 7 hrs per day, brought the firm in a big schwack of cash, and, accordingly, made a really big bonus this month. The sad part is Im way behind on blogging, reading other blogs, enjoying internet cartoons, and learning mindless celebrity gossip.

Im still torn on whether August will be a happy-slack month, or an efficient-boring month.

Huh. Am I the only one who gets that Natalie Imbruglia song in their head when they write or say 'torn'? What ever happened to her, anyways? Didnt she marry the guy from Silverchair? Man oh man, I told ya I was behind in celebrity gossip. i dont even know who Lindsay Lohan is fucking this week.

Here's an observation: It has become increasingly more difficult to open Gatorade bottles. Now here's my conspiracy theory: Gatorade makes it increasingly harder to open the bottle-- making people who drink it hit the gym more because they feel like a puny girlie man who cant even open a sports drink. While at the gym, these people get thirsty and grab a-- yes, you got it-- a gatorade, thus increasing gatorade product sales. Personally, I drink gatorade cuz the flavours remind me of Mr. Freeze freezies I used to eat when I was a kid.

Jer and I went camping this weekend. I think i still smell like a campfire.

Before I forget-- Happy belated b-day to Itchy. I didnt forget, I actually tried to send you an e card-- it had chickens and cows square dancing-- but for some reason it came back to me as 'not received'. So I dont know who was asleep at the switch on that one... but it was pretty dang funny. Still hope it was a good time, notwithstanding the lack of cow and chickens dancing.

Im not sure if my contacts are in the wrong eyes today or if Im somehow stoned. Cuz everything is really blurry and i havent been able to write or type anything today and have it make sense. So if there are a shitload of typos in this post today thats why.

Wardrobe Malfunction

So, the above is a recreation of what happened to me last week when i was in Provincial Court. I went up when my matter was called, said my peace, then went back to the bench...at which time i realised i had just flashed the honorable justice my bra and possibly some cleavage as well.

And I wondered why his judgment closed with "Gonna have ya naked by the end of this song"

Vive la HNT!

Funny Stories for the Fuck of it

So I havent told any funny stories lately. Im sorry. There have been some.

1. Jesus Chuck

So y'know my Chuck Norris shirt? Ya you do. Here:



So when I was at the Calgary Stampede, I was wearing said Chuck shirt. I was waiting for Jer as he went potty and this girl came up to me and said: "Oh, A joke about my Lord, Jesus Christ. Thats so funny I forgot to laugh." I actually had no idea what she was talking about for a few seconds... then it clicked that she didnt appreciate the Supreme Chuckster. So I asked her "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?" And she stormed off. The weirdest part? She was prolly like 17 years old, wearing a skin tight Budweiser tank top, and besides looking like a tramp, seemed pretty normal. I wish I woulda said her promotion of Alcohol upset my strong Bringham Young-esque beliefs.


2. Irina-gate.

So since I posted this, I have had TONS of emails from people about Irina. Some people have started their own little websites about how shes full of crap...some people have berated me for insulting her when she is obviously a wonderful and nice person, yah, a FICTITIOUS wonderful and nice person...and others have found my blog by googling her name and now are trying to maintain some sort of internet relationship with me instead of Irina.

So in response to all the peoples and their emails:

1. I hear from other peoples' sites that "Irina" will write you one or 2 emails, send you pictures and then ask you for money.

2. I dont know if this is true cuz I never responded to her

3. I dont know her. I actually dont believe she exists. I know she is spam and i hate spam...ill let you do the math on why I hate "her". I guess she doesnt have to worry about me eating her babies cuz as the equivalency of an imaginary friend she likely doesnt have any.

4. Im not interested in having penpals about Irina. Nor am I sending any pictures to you. Pervert.

5. If you have a further question/ complaint about "Irina" take it up with "her". Well, actually, if you have a funny story, Id love to hear it. Or link me a site like this one

3. Mr. Ghosty

For some reason, while high and drunk, my friend and i took a bunch of pictures of this guy

Like a lot of them. I think i have to draft a story for y'all. Of course, I wont take on such an endeavour until i am sufficiently stoned again.

Pillow pants made me do it

So today I came into work to find that I was expected at 2 ex parte [ that means there was less than 24 hrs notice] applications for this morning, that the fax machine and email were down, and that a bunch of lawyers were calling for my head to be put on a platter.

But I still couldnt stop giggling about Clerks II all day.

And now-- Random photos taken around my house:

Junky Envy

[click to make bigger-- thanks to Married to the Sea]

Have you ever wished that you were a junky? A crackhead maybe? Someone making meth in their backyard shed without a care in the world? Nothing matters except the next hit. ahhhh, pure bliss.

Yeah. My week has been so shit this is what I am thinking about. I didnt even get to eat my breakfast/ have a cup of coffee today until 1130 because I was busy, running around, basically getting shit on from clients, judges, and other lawyers. [Judges and clients and Lawyers! Oh My!]

I think I am going to drink myself stupid this weekend. Super stupid. I didnt even have a chance to HNT this week... so i present the pics to you right now: "Dancing with myself" [ ie. I wanted to get drunk and party and was waiting for Jer to get home from hockey so we could do that...so instead I just turned the music on real loud and started dancing around my living room.]

What I did on Summer Vacation [ part 1]

So to be uber lazy, I just dumped all my pics in Flickr. So if you wants to see them, click here

Last week was tons of fun...and now its total shit. Like everyone goes crazy at work when Im not around. Abduct the children? Sure! Refuse their dad to talk to them on the phone? Of course! Try and force the sale of the home and leave the ex on the street? Absoultely!

Assholes. There is a special place in lawyer hell [ and its really a big hell, too] for counsel who plans Court applications and downright dirty tricks when they find out that the other party's lawyer is around. Yeah, lawyer hell-- see really i am a satanist.

So last week: Lawyer conference in Kananaskis. I learned a lot. I also ate a lot of these really tasty croissants they had laying around everywhere. Fucken good dude. Its actually the first thing i said about the conference to the boss, too.

Boss: How was the conference?
Juicy: oh ok. But the croissants? Man oh man! They were huuuuge! And fresh! And sooo buttery! I musta eaten 30!
Boss: So was it worth it?
Juicy: Yeah! they were free! And they kept filling up the baskets!
Boss: I meant the conference.

I also went to the Stampede. We didnt eat nearly as much shit as last year, but we did manage to watch the Superdog show and see some minature donkeys. I was really pumped about the donkeys. I wouldnt stop talking about it. Sadly, no one else at the self-proclaimed 'greatest show on earth' cared or even knew where we could watch the mini donkeys. I also saw the Budweiser Clydesdales. They were so cute, and so was their donkey buddy, Nicholas.

Also on Tuesday, Digit graduated from Doggie class. He did okay, but the organiser wants us to go into flyball because Digit is 1. Fast, 2. Likes balls and 3. Insane. After watching the superdogs that day, I was pretty sure hed be good at it...until he gets bored and falls asleep.

More vacation stories to be continued...

Back...and apparently evil

I have tons of pics and fun stories to tell... if only work wasnt so crazy for me to actually post.

In the meantime, here's a quiz I stole from Cinders [and I am trying to catch up on reading everyone's blogs for the last week...]. I was pretty surprised by my result.

You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism. Satanism 92% atheism 75% Buddhism 71% Paganism 71% agnosticism 71% Islam 42% Judaism 38% Hinduism 33% Christianity 25% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Testing the destiny of the man on the Internet

ello my friend! I am sorry. This my third letter to you. It is similar to that two letters did not reach you. I decided to test the destiny and to get acquainted with the man on the Internet. This third letter to reach you will would be desirable to trust me that. I allow to you mine email and if you will want can answer: biglove1@eastlinecorp.org By the way my name is Irina and i live in Kazan city in Russia. I like to get acquainted with people and to get pleasant acquaintances.
I shall wait your letter.
Bye!

Dear Irina: I dont think I got the last 2 emails because they dont exist. Im not sure how you got my email address...especially at work, but hey, whatever. Good luck with the man on the internet. Are you refering to Bill Gates? Steve Jobs? Or are you implying that somewhere there is a giant Shiva live creature pluggin all the tubes of the internet together? Is he watching me right now? Does he know what I look like naked? Maybe I should try to get aquainted with the man on the internet too. Couldnt do any harm, could it? By the way my name is Juicy and i live in Calgary city in Canada. If I ever see you i will cut off your legs and arms and will eat your babies.
Hope you liked my letter and it was worth the wait.
Bye!

So today is the start of Stampede. I blogged a lot about it last year-- this year I will likely be even less involved because Im going to a conference next week for work and will be away. Oh yeah, which reminds me, Im going to a conference next week so I may be a little missing in action. Ill try to blog here and there...but ya know. Sometimes its hard.

So, in the spirit of Stampede, here is the Beer testing quiz for all the little cowpokes and cowgirls out there...

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE


SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION


Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar

laters



Downtown Juicy Brown

Juicy A, We hardly knew ye

[scroll down for HNT-age]

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Thats these guys, FYI:



Thanks to Cinders/ Serfx and everyone else who did this and thought it super wikked.

HNT: C -eh- N -eh- D -eh _ D -eh- Y

So Os wants us to show what we did on Canada day, eh? Well it was a lot of eating and drinking and dancing... but nothing makes July 01 the best day of the year, more than this...

SLURPEEES!



Wanna see what everyone else did for their Canada Day/ 4th of July celebrations? Then check out Os' site, dude.

Dont forget to tell him in the report that he should fuck himself

Ducks on a bathroom ledge overlooking lettuce and zuchini plants

That non existant accident i was in? Yeah. Now the other guy is saying his wife and child were seriously injured in the crash...which is weird being that neither of them were in the car. Fuck. Who does this dude think hes dealing with? My insurance company is sending out the big guns to nail this motherfucker to the wall. Ka-Chunk! KA-Chunk! [thats the sound of a nail gun]

Today I met with the independent insurance consultant and later today the engineer to recreate the 'crash' ( which is in quotes cuz there was no crash...just a bump) will be looking at Obi. The adjuster started laughing when she saw Obi because she couldnt believe that someone was saying that he was responsible for causing 1000 worth of damage and 2 bad cases of whiplash. ( especially of people not in the car... dang! I hit him sooooo hard, even his family blocks away at home were injured!)



Sit? Sit!?! What the fuck does that mean?

The Digit and I had his second last class last night. No, he isnt sitting or laying down on command...but he sure has fun. He has actually progressed in the areas i was most worried about: having him stay on command, come when called ( a near impossibility for greyhounds), and walk nicely on the leash.



Watch out cars!

There is a giant pothole in front of my house. When I was on 'shrooms I thought it was eating the street and possibly cars as well. It actually doesnt appear so scary today.

Wow, its already July...

Aaaahh Canada Day. What a great time to not work.



The weekend can be categorized as a time to eat meat, drink liquor, and uhhh, take magical trips where you are pretty certain that the dog is a NARC, that you can see the ocean outside of your window, and the refridgerator is pretty much the coolest thing you have ever seen. (My exact words: Hey! Hey! Check out the Fridge! Its totally fucked!) Then, on a mission to find tacos, gorditas, and Mountain Dew, We discovered a bunch of kids at their prom wearing super poofy green and pink dresses. I was positive we were being attacked by some sort of cupcake people.



[Heres a hint: It involved these]
After the comedown, the rest of the weekend was pretty lo-key. There were fireworks on Saturday, and we watched a lot of TV and movies on Sunday and Monday, including the entire second season of Entourage.

As this is the first official post of the month, I have decided to declare my new to do list:

- Pay down debts-- I still owe 1400 in Income tax alone. Visa is still pretty scary, so is the line of credit. I am Indebt-or! A giant robot with no credit rating and a lot of people calling about 'personal business matters'! Rar! Hear me roar!

- Go to dentist. I hates it, but I have the coverage so I should go.

- Get my car into the shop for a tune up, etc. Im supposed to go every 3 months. I dont.

- Get Digit in for shots. Poor guy, hes going to hate me.

-Lose 5 pounds. Seriously. All the meat and ice cream is starting to catch up on me.

- Go to gym 4 days a week. See above.

-And finally, Im going to try to post a random photo that I take each day. Sorta like the stock photos of my life...in fact lets call them The Daily Stock Photo .One for each day, or at least each day that i have time to post. Nothing that exciting...just a glimpse into what I do. I dunno, or Im just bored with being so texty lately. Maybe it'll catch on and become an exciting new fad. Or not.

Today: Me as I blog. [ the timer is on right now and im not looking!]



thats my office in the background.

pps. Happy Will Smith saving the world from flying saucers day. Wait, there was an Independence Day before that? Cool.