HNT: its not cheating...its masturbation!

I was inspired last week by Cinder's link to a website of people making out with themeselves. (look at it here...its pretty cool) And last week, this was my attempt at romancing myself. Im such a tart!


In other news, work is making me crazy-- and this is the best news ive heard in weeks! EEK!

shine on you juicy diamond

Actual scribbled note from the Roger Waters' concert-- written when i was sitting on the floor of the club seating bathroom....and on mushrooms.

note to self: you fucking need a spotlight in the house. you love spotlights. looking into spotlights.

i also like keyboards.

these people in this washroom are suck! no, they are yuck. and they suck.
------------------------------
So it was a pretty cool show. I didnt find out until that day that we were going-- last minute cancellation from someone else worked out well for us. I usually dont do mushrooms in public because i get so fucking freaky...but i decided if i just kept it light it would work out.

The show was as full of psychedelia as you could expect-- and then they did Dark Side of the Moon...with all these visuals and it ruled. And then the pig came out:






For the rest of the weekend I was sick and felt like shiiiiit.

shine on you juicy diamond

its raining idiots...

uh

so another ex that i dont want to hear from emailed me today via facebook. am i on candid camera or something? fuck.

whats funny is that i wasnt so angry about him, i just thought "at least stupid Mark didnt email me again". Maybe Greg had Mark email me to really piss me off so his email wouldnt be so bad... do my exes have a secret society about me? that would be cool. and scary.

so-- if you are just new to this, the only way to soften the blow of emailing someone you dated in high school and beat the shit out of one night when you were drunk...is to have their ex boyfriend who they hate even more email them 2 days before. ( no... im not going to say why i hate Mark more than the girlfriend beater, but its a pretty good reason)

Im really busy at work. Half the staff is sick. One girl just dissapeared over night. I just had a meeting with Mr. Mom and his screaming 2 kids.

so instead of a coffee break, a coworker went and bought me this to regain my composure:

Have i ever mentioned how much i hated one specific person?

Im super furious right now...bear with me.

An exboyfriend...the pinnacle of people that i hate in the world...just emailed. Hes moving back to Calgary and to 'not have an awkward meeting' somewhere at the courthouse or downtown...he suggested we meet up and chat.

Im a pretty reasonable person, but the thought of this asshole makes me want to punch a hole through my wall. Hes a piece of shit and I was quite happy with the idea of him never ever ever coming to Calgary and me never having to see him again.

I was quite happy to never know of his whereabouts. A friend of mine once ran into him a few years ago and asked me if i was interested in hearing about him... i said no...and told her not to even tell me where she saw him and what he was wearing or even the weather that day.

I still never ever want to see him again and will do everything humanly possible to make sure this never happens. Maybe ill move. Somewhere where he cant possibly move. Some where where ill never have to see his fucking smug face.

On a brighter note, I think I know how i can channel some rage for 'Agnes' for my play now...

In case you are wondering, I didnt even email him back. I erased the message and blocked him as a sender. Fuckhead.

too much wasabi

so its saturday and im drunk after so much lawyerin om a saturday...every time i hit the "{a:" i start typing in uppper case anb then i need to go back and stoppit

the digit sends regards

im wasdsted and wet from the rai
why is he ltter o shard tp typr

haha \
thats n0pt even english
sesamwe snaps
jer iw EATING
FUCK STUPID KEEBOARD

TORROW ILL TRAMSKATE

Spot the Juicy...

Video from Aces Kick Off Party...I was only 7 or 8 beers into the evening by this time...

Maybe I need to watch this to remember that i like my boyfriend. He didnt come home last night...started drinking at 3pm and called at 400 am to say he wasnt making it home. Yeah.

Last night at acting class I faked my way thru the scene. Like seriously. I missed a large chunk of lines and my partner had to keep repeating her lines to try to get me to say the whole thing.

I realised last night that it might be hard for us to do our scene because we are soooo different from our characters that its hard for us to understand them. (yeah, I know, duh, thats why its called 'acting') But I dont know why my character goes from crying to anger in one line cuz im not like that...and my partner isnt a nun. At first i was kinda upset because our instructor kept saying to everyone but us and one other group (yah, thats you Karl--who is not a british wife beater) that they were believable as their characters-- but maybe its good that i dont look or sound like a melodramatic alcholic...but maybe you guys can help me attest to that ( or not).

Le sigh.

Fuck im tired. Jer better buy me some flowers or some shit or maybe ill launch into a scene that 'Agnes' my character would be proud...

Another short but sweet post as i think of it

Ok I just had a client in here that had a divorce plan that was eerily similar to the Underpant Gnomes of South Park:

Step 1: Kick wife out of the home

Step 2: ???

Step 3: Profit.

Im not sure if underwear fit into the plan, but with this guy I wouldnt be surprised. Who keeps booking me these people? How am I going to establish a better screening process? I need a bouncer or something.

Its only 10-- 2 posts already for 2 clients... 4 more to go...its gonna be a good day...

( I tried to find a google image of the underpant gnomes-- instead i found pictures of people in elf costumes ...)

Im sorry that I took you yelling at me on the answering machine as angry when i should had known that you were just "being animated"

People are idiots. What the hell does 'being animated' even mean? I just know that when someone calls me 14 times between 5pm and 830 am and is yelling that i am ignoring him and lied to him and am taking his ex wifes side...i tend to think the person is angry...and borderline psychotic...


And now, a song about mustaches:

Hi, Im looking for Chlamydia?

No matter how juvenile it is, nothing... I repeat, NOTHING is as funny as calling the flowering vine Clematis Chlamydia...especially at the home and garden centre...and I just keep repeating it over and over again and not even once did the 70 year old lady helping me correct me or even bat an eyelash...

I spent Friday and Saturday this weekend holed up in a conference room and learning about interest based negotiation. No, I still dont really understand what it is. Hopefully ill learn that this weekend when it concludes.

What i did learn is:

1. I dont like having to spend my weekends learning.

2. My attention span is approx. 20 minutes. Then i either need to go get another cup of coffee, go to the bathroom, pretend i need to leave the room to make a call or just simply get up and move around. I get super bored if i just sit there and pretend to listen. (did i mention this course cost over 1500? haha yeah. remind me next time to just take the cash)

3. My clients are psychotic and need medical help-- when you hear that your lawyer is away for one day...do you automatically assume that you have been abandoned and that the whole file is falling apart? See, then you arent psychotic and need medical help.

On Saturday, as I was on my lunch break, there was this really cool Carribean parade going on down the street. I started to take pictures....and then a dude in a DJ booth yelled at me that I couldnt take pictures unless i danced. So, I did. Awesome,

Calgary is in the international news right now and for a less than honorable reason. In fact, its something that makes me hate this fucking city even more--especially that its considered front page news: Some fake breasted slut at Cowboys (the fake breasted slut bar in Calgary, BTW) started flirting with Prince Harry and they exchanged cell phone numbers. Now this chick and her double D balls of silicon are all over the news and shes acting like shes hating all this press and shit...oh fuck that. She already said her goal in life ( in life?! faahk) is to be a Playboy playmate...as if this isnt a big publicity stunt for this cunt (haha that rhymes) for her to get her plastic tits all over the press.

And thats all Im going to say about that.

Anyways. I need to go talk to my psychotic clients now.

Something smells-- is it your ass?

(Its good to know that my assistant and I are on a comfort level where when she smells something bad...she just assumes its me farting.)

I have personally declared today a 'force majeure'

For those of you who dont know what that is (or havent entered it in wikipedia yet) here you are lazybones:

Force majeure (French for "greater force") is a common clause in contracts which essentially frees one or both parties from liability or obligation when an extraordinary event or circumstance beyond the control of the parties, such as war, strike, riot, crime, act of God (e.g., flooding, earthquake, volcano), prevents one or both parties from fulfilling their obligations under the contract.

No, its not from volcanoes (although how cool would that be? fuck i love volcanoes) but from the giant storm/flood/deluge that is taking over the city. It took 40 minutes to get to work today because all the lights were out and all underpasses have flooded. Yesterday we had an electrical storm that knocked out the power for hours and started fires everywhere and hail. It was almost biblical ( although no frogs-- but there was a freaked out little lizard in my house)

I played rescue ranger last night (and yes...if you recall that Disney cartoon, I DID in fact sing the Rescue Ranger theme song while i did it...) and ran around covering the tomato, zuchini, and pepper plants in the yard and managed to pull most of the flower pots into the laundry room. I was soaked. It looked and felt like i jumped in a lake. And with the power out, I couldnt blow dry my hair or stand in front of the heater. By the time Jer came home from his hockey game, I looked like Amy Winehouse with my crazed hair and smeared make up. Hot.

I also found out last night (after the power came back on) that there was a tornado touch down in my home town...and it was actually 2 blocks from where my sister lives. Fucking freaky.

All of my clients have called in and said they aint coming. Im trying to convince my bosses there is a force majeure clause in my work contract that says that i can go home...or at least get them to buy the office pizza.

A co-worker took these last night:





ps. what smells is not my ass...but actually the ceiling in my assistant's office. Its leaking and will prolly fall through at any time. Now THATS a force majeure!

Idle bitching from the queen of idle bitching and her tiny minions of doooom

( thats what i told my assistant i would name an advice column in the paper if i had one-- that or 'seriously, i dont give a fuck'. Of course she meant if people wrote me about family law matters-- but i still think thats what Id call it)

So remember how i was talking last week about the blue moon and people acting all crazy and shit? I just realised 3 events which happened late last week where me or someone I know went fucking nuts on someone.

First, I just about killed some lady last week. Yeah... right there in the Safeway. With the souless eyes of Jennifer Aniston, Oprah, and whoever was on the cover of Ladies Home Journal from the magazine rack looking on. It was five minutes to the end of the noon hour. It was the '15 items or less' aisle. It was dang busy. And this stupid cunt was talking on her cell phone at the front of the line totally oblivious to all the people and the cashier around her. The cashier asked her 3 times for her money and was getting frustrated. I was about 3 or 4 people back in line and yelled 'Hey! Get off your fucking phone and pay attention!' Loud. Like dead silence in the whole store while everyone turns and stares at me. Well, she did get the point.

Secondly, Jeremy has to meet with his supervisors tomorrow because he went a little crazy on someone with psychotic dogs and threw their mail in the yard instead of walking it up to their door. When the home owner started yelling at him, he kinda beaked her off...told her where she could stick her mail and the like...so she grabbed a video camera and started following him and recording him...thats when he made some comments about how he was surprised she could figure out the camera because she was so stupid. Yeah. Hopefully he doesnt get suspended.

Finally, my last crazy angry person experience last week was a little more personal-- in fact, i was the recipient of someone who was super angry and wanted to kill me. Literally. Last Friday a client's ex (who has drug, weapons, and assault charges against him) kept calling the office and just asking if i was here. Not that he wanted to speak to me...not that he wanted to have me call him back...just if i was here. He kept calling, demand to know if i was here, and then hang up. I knew who it was immediately because the dude's lawyer had called me a few times that day saying his client had lost his mind and if I didnt give the settlement he wanted...he would get 'mad'. Crazy dude also started calling and hanging up on my client too-- despite the fact that she has a restraining order, police no contact order, and peace bond against him.

Anyways-- the purpose of this post is just to confirm that blue moon = baaad news. So if your assistant's witch friend tells you that ones coming up, hide. Dont go to work, dont answer the phone, dont go to the store...dont even pick up the mail.

The end.

Forsooth, Buddy

( Have you seen the episode of South Park where Philip is in Toronto doing Hamlet? He says the work 'buddy' and 'guy' every third or 4th line... totally cracked me up and me and Jer wouldnt stop saying it all weekend)

The fan in our work bathroom isnt working... so not only is there no longer the safety of the noise barrier, it isnt there to dissipate any nasty smells. This has made my 10 am daily work poop a dangerous thing. I wasnt sure if i should had hummed or something while i was doing my bidness.

I smoked waaay too much weed this weekend and today im pretty simple. I feel like my hands are pushing through mashed potatoes. I dont even know what that means. I just had to certify some copies for someone and it was like my brain and fingers werent connected.

It was a beautiful weekend and we spent most of it in a car or in a shopping mall. This makes me crabby. Quite happily, though, we did spend Saturday morning at the Farmers Market-- which is always an experience in trash. We started a new game in light of the weird couples we kept seeing: Dad or Daddy? Seriously though, this one chick looked like a stripper and the dude she was with was an aging biker. It really coulda gone either way.

Yesterday we planned to go to a lake-- we never found it. This wasnt too cool.

My acting class is pretty intense. I feel horribly outclassed by everyone. I cant seem to memorize my lines either-- I guess the weed could have something to do with it. My partner has all these 5 word lines and i have friggin solliloqys. (i know i spelled that wrong. im too lazy to look it up)...anyways, it makes it hard for me to remember all of them... and i think they expect us to be 'off book' by wednesday. Fuck. Maybe ill just start calling someone 'buddy'.

Im also fat.

I thought it would be funny to give that its own paragraph-- in acting we call that a 'beat'. Im learning other things other than my lines.

Seriously though, fatty fat fat fat. I found a gym that does Kickboxing (yes-- actual kickboxing and not stupid cardio-kick or some gay shit to 90s dance music) and I start tonite.

Blue Moon

I survived my birthday weekend, in case you were worried. Family members have commented on the fact that I seem to only appear lately like the groundhog...except by putting strange comments on peoples' facebook walls.

Yeah, sorry. It takes 5 seconds to do facebook...and like 15 min to blog and 30 min to call. Pizzoff.

Anyways, the Bday weekend was fun. Besides my lizard ( who I named 'Kobayashi' after the world famous hotdog eating champ) I got some wikked cool Star Wars paintings for the bday. On the Saturday we had Jer's hockey team's (thats the one he plays on...not the one he coaches...) keg party. It was pretty debaucherous.



Since then, Ive been pretty much at work and listening to people spontaneously combust. Everyone has lost it. Two clients have been arrested this week...and its only Wednesday. People are calling in just to be assholes. My assistant has a friend who is a 'witch' (not shitting you) who said everyone is agitated because its both a full moon and blue moon on Thursday.

I dont know if thats a scientific explanation...but yeah. If it explains the mass asshole-dom, ill take it.

And now for something slighltly less crabby-- Im seriously considering buying this for my office....except instead of other families, it would be spouses.

"Little Timmy's birthday is...."

June 23!

Show me June 23!

Ding!

(ok, if you havent seen family feud this makes no sense to you)

Y-30

Remember the anticipation around the year 2000? Everyone preparing and freaking out because they thought there would be pandemonium? And then we waited until midnight...and nothing happened. Nada. No explosions, no power outages, no computer breakdowns. Nothing.

Thats what 30 is. Freaking out for days/weeks/months...and then ya wake up. And nothing. No explosions...implosions...or random grey hairs. Same shit as before.

That being said, I was woken up by Jer this am with breakfast in bed and the news that he cleared it with work that i could sleep in til 10am. Lunch is from 1130 to 200...then work for a few hours...and go home for more birthday related meals.

Oh and Jer increased the love in our house even more-- he bought me a lizard. (this from the guy who complains that 2 greyhounds are too much, sheesh) Ill take pics and tell ya his name when i figure it out.

Everything is cool...Until next year...

And now-- as requested-- the birthdaty suit HNT
(taken in Costa rica...and yeah, i was pretty much wearing my sunglasses and a smile...)

Counting down the hours

29 and holding...holding...must...hold...on...

Time is running out. My 20s will soon be behind me. Is it weird that i remember my 20th birthday...and the 10th? (the tenth was a big deal because I was double digits...now its more like double chins...)

Yeah.

I got beautified yesterday... heres the proof:







Le sigh...bye bye 20s....

Let's Party like its 1956!

( slogan on a calendar which was the most hilarious thing i had ever seen in my life when i was under the influence of a marijuana cookie..like i kept referring to it all night and when i thought people werent having a good enough time, I would walk over and tap the sign...)

So I went camping for the long weekend at Jer's friend's "compound". No it wasnt a cult...more of a hippie/folkie jamboree...there was even a trade fair where i offered up 5 minutes of legal advice for some alcohol and shiny bracelets. There were these "musicians" who would repetitively sign the chorus of songs very slowly and with these horribly creaky voices...while we were encouraged to grab a percussion instrument and jump in... and there was a lot of booze and drugs. I think there is a very very good chance im still high.

Jeremy hung out with these dudes who liked to fish, play horseshoes, and slice at things with their own broadswords. Not even kidding-- they brought their own swords and everything.

Only 2 more days left in my 20s. Any recommendations what i need to do before the end? My mother called me yesterday: " So. you're pretty old, eh." Thanks. Cow.

Me and Rum are BFF

( actually said that to my bosses yesterday during a predominantly liquid lunch where i was in a really bad mood and needed some libations to loosen me up)

Ok. So im wearing this skirt today which is giving me a total gunt bubble. Y'know, when it bulges out around the zipper area and makes it look like you are 3 mths into a little junior? yeah. fucking pissing me off man.

Heres something else i havent bitched about on here-- our new receptionist is useless. I mean USELESS. She has been here 6 weeks and still has difficulty answering the phones. She hangs up on clients. She whispers into the phone and you cant hear her. She doesnt give messages. She walks into my office and begins telling me who is here... and then mid sentence blanks out and looks as if she was hit with lightening and says 'Oh wow. I forgot what i was saying.' And then continues to blank stare at me.

And then there is the pink dragon. She has this statue of a pink dragon on the reception desk. Like the kind that they sell at the flea market along with incense burners and blankets with wizards and faeries on them. I cant go up to reception and not become transfixed on the thing. Yeah. So me and 2 of my fellow co workers are on a mission to get 'the dragon whisperer' canned.

Oh and shes muslim. Not that its a bad thing--I have other friends who are muslim-- but she is 19 and converted to islam for a boy she had been dating for 6 months. And every once in a while makes comments on how all religions are basically the same and so her being islam isnt that different from her being jewish or catholic. Say what?!?!? Anways-- its almost a full time job trying to deal with this chick and to get her fired.

On a totally unrelated topic its the long weekend in 45 minutes... my last weekend of being in my 20s... I shall be sure to hang out with my BFF quite a bit.

I dont think you understand what an alcoholic fuckwad I am...

( I actually said that to someone on Friday who was hitting on me. I rule)

So blogger has been unceremoniously cutting out every time that I try to post more of my vacation stories. Im taking that as a sign that the blog gods arent interested. I will continue the stories...but ill do it on my other blog...the one 'all about me' and then let you know when ive posted it. Yeah.

So whats going on? A fucking lot. In case you dont know. "Someone" is turning 30 in now less than 8 days. On 8 more days left of being in my carefree 20s. Man that blows. I wish i could say that its not affecting me...but it is. I keep thinking in my head: "This is the last (enter thing here) of my 20s". Depressing.

Last Friday, to combat my feelings that im old, fat and weird lookin' ( although still quite happily tanned) I allowed my 2 galpals to "doll me up". Literally. I looked like a blow up doll. Hot, but yeah, like i was made of polyethylene and came with 'life like hair'.



See? Blow up doll

Since vacation i have also noticed that im drinking alot more. Not like 'getting wasted wooohhoooo' but coming home, making a rum and coke, and then watching the Wings game (great game last night BTW, it would had been better is Pronger was given a misconduct/suspension/concussion but yeah). In fact, Jer and I have already put quite a dent in one of the giant bottles of rum we brought back from 'Rica.

Someone stole Jer's truck last week. If you are this douchebag and I find out, I will beat you within 10 cm of your life....then Jer will take over. It was recovered but with none of his stuff in it and stinking like stale white trash cigarettes.

Ok. I think the rant is over. Thanks for being there, blog. Le sigh.



Yeah, me and Miss Priss grabbing Lux's boob. Yeah, Blow up doll.

Port-o-blog--Monteverde/Santa Elena: April 27

Hump Attack! Suspension bridge!

Look a Quetzl!



Our hike was super fun and our dude Adrian was flipping hilarious. He would not rest until we saw a quetzl-- which is this big, pretty bird that sounds like Eva when she whines, and lives in the cloud forests. We did actually see one...and Adrian (who was like a costa rican version of the Crocodile Hunter-- do you hear that? its a quetzl...quick run! RUN! Well find him! Wait. Stop. I lost him....NO! Hes over here-- RUN!) made sure we saw other birds/bugs/ cool trees and some animals too. Very cool. I tried to get Jer to buy this shirt that says "Beware of Frog". But he wont.



After the forest we walked to the Bat Jungle museum. Bats rule, dude.




We went for casados at lunch...and Salsa Lizano. Man, thats some good shit. I dont know whats in there, but I likes. Jeremy believes there is a conspiracy to have him sit in uncomfortable chairs. I just think he needs to realise that the average Tico is about 5ft 5 and hes over 6ft tall. Chairs arent made for people his size here.

We wandered into a coffee tour just about to leave (and used Jer's Canada Post ID as a student card to get a cheaper rate)and decided to go. Coffee also rules, dude. We got almost high on eating the coffee berries and sampling the chocolate covered coffee beans. We bought a lot to bring back with us, but i still wish we bought more. I know well regret it later.

Anyways, we learned a lot of shit today. And now, as it is Friday night, its time to party. We found out from a guy on the coffee tour that there was a fiesta happening in Monteverde that night...with rides, partying, food, booze, etc. We walked there and realised that we were some of the only gringos there...but we had fun eating the fair food (almost the same fare as at the Stampede...just with beans and rice instead of fries and usually on a stick) and having a couple cervezas.

After a few Pilsens, I had to pee. So i wandered down this black alley way to this shady little outhouse where these 2 older ladies were sitting and chatting away. I thought they might had been in line, but they didnt even look up when i walked to the potty and then went in. When I came out, shit hit the fan.

Juicy: Ahhh. Me gusto! that was great.

Senorita: (loud angry spanish...the only words i understand are 'banos' and 'cent colones' followed by more angry spanish)

J: (getting the gist that this was a pay toilet) Lo siento...uhhh...no deneiro...mi novio....(pointing to where Jer is)...uno menos...(Jer had the cash, you see...)

S: (sees me trying to leave...) No!!! CENT COLONES!!! NO!!! MILLE COLONES! (she now wanted a thousand...still only like $2...but it didnt matter when i didnt have it on me)(more angry spanish)

J: I-DONT-HAVE-IT-I-WILL-BE-BACK!

S: No! (grabs my arm) POLICIA! POLICIA!

J: Oh fuck...

I got her hand off of me and quickly walked up to Jer and said that we had to go. Now.

Yeah, I was run out of a fiesta.



This poster was all over town-- it was show at the fiesta. I didnt get to see her because...well, y'know