And now, Stoned Post 09

maybe im just really stoned, but this is Jer's winning comments to his friend Todd. Todd came in 2nd in a hockey pool. I present to you, "Comments to Todd":

2nd places, great job todd! you gotta feel good about that result - you put the work in and come in second - put it on your resume! way to go big gunner. a true heavy weight in the officepools arena. all hail todd second place is locked up and todd holds the key. fuckin rights bud. YES!!! second! all of todds hopes and dreams culminating in this one instance, a pefect syncronicy of events colliding in perfect fashion for todd to become the premier owner of the second poisiiton place on the sloth pool totem of 2009 playoff year. and how did todd do it? well i'm glad you asked. #1 being a fag, #2 see number 1. Way to go todd. Good on ya, and keep up the good work. if this was formula one you would be in great shape for the seaon moving forward - think about that bud? you'd have 10 points in a 1000 point year, sweet! i'm just so proud of the work you put in. and your personality, its a good one. nice. and good. and where will being nice and good land a guy? i'm glad you asked - second! that's where! YES!!!

[ spelling left 'as is' for authenticity]

Jer has a friend whose nickname is "the Desert Cobra". I kept telling him that with a nickname THAT good, he should get a tattoo of it.

Look before you leper

I am an office pariah. People stop talking when i enter a room. I hear my name being said in other offices...usually followed by laughing. Yeah, its that bad. If this was high school, Id be eating my lunch in the bathroom. Or hanging out with the school nurse.

I am a leper.

All I can do is sit in my office with the door closed and whenever a client calls, I talk to them, tell them im leaving, they tell me they are coming with me, and then I have to tell the bosses. Who then look at me like i just ate the last cookie. Or washed my socks with the last of the drinking water. And then i go back into my office.

They are already telling people on the phone that i dont work here. Its really really going to be a long three weeks.

dont call it a comeback

shit is changing. and i dont just mean global warning-- which, by the way, seems to be fucking my shit up really bad these days, I mean fuck, June 06 and its supposed to snow right now?

anyhoo, im switching jobs and shall be leaving my happy nest of laziness in the northwest of calgary for a hardcore, king shit lawfirm downtown. i am basically being called up from the farm team in minnesota to play in the big leagues. Im scared and Im also excited. Oh, and I feel like the world's biggest asshole to my friends who I am leaving behind.

On a good note for the blogosphere( if it still exists in the land of twitter and facebook and blackberry messenger) I will no longer be afraid of being 'dooced' ( which is why i stopped blogging to begin with... a too high tech savvy partner plus me blogging between the hours of 830 and 500 was a little too risk-ay) As i need to take the bus to said big league job, I plan on using that time to blog. (Does anyone know if iphone has an app for that? im getting one from the new kids and it would make the life easy)

ill get into where ive been for the last 2 months later...for now. yeah. let the games begin

Actually Thursday

( although I wrote that today was 'Sunday' on a file... isnt the lack of recognition of the days of the week a sign of dementia?)

So here are some things that have been making me angry lately and Ive been welling up the sweet sweet anger inside for some time.

1. HULU. I love watching first run premium tv show programs online. Its totally my thing. Big Love Season 3? Done. United States of Tara? You bet!. Except some channels decide to only release their online episodes to some fucking stupid website called "hulu.com". And fucking Hulu only is available for people in the United States. Period. Full fucking stop. I have only been able to watch two episodes of Dollhouse...because fucking FOX only uses Hulu. And everytime I think I found a site that will let me watch it....Bam. Hulu.com is only available for people in the United States of america.

2. Commercials with Babies that talk. We went throught the phase of talking babies in the 1990s. I dont necessarily hate when they have babies with just voice overs ( a la the whole Look Who's Talking genre) but when they have crappy animation showing the babies' lips moving. Fuck. REally fucking stupid. Like fuuuuccccking stooopid. Its not cute, its not funny. Its not even creepy. Its plain old fucking stupid. So stop.

3. People blaming everything on the economy: Yes, its shit. Its shit for everyone... Except for people in Calgary. Its really not hit that bad here yet people are using it as an excuse for everything to not paying their bills or why they need to take a longer lunch break.

[ ooh... brief anti-anger intermission: My radiostation is playing PennyWise. I havent heard them on the radio since 1995]

4. A certain hockey team that may not make the playoffs again. No Im not mad at them. I love them unconditionally. Im mad that the other teams arent playing shittier.

5. I have my period. That should just go without saying. It also leads into the next one...

6. Im on vacation in 19 days and I still look like the "before" picture. I need to look like the "after" picture before i start wearing around a bikini. In the words of Andy Samburg's Cathy, ACCCCK! Frustration Squiggle!

7. The church that is by my house with weird signs that don't make sense. "Touch and Feel the taste of the Lord" WTF? Im supposed to eat him? "God Touches Back"? ( is that like Baby got back? What else does he touch? Does it cost extra?-- Am i now going to HELL for writing that?)

Ahhh, That was therapeutic. Ive been angry for a while about that shit. Expecially the Baby thing.

Tomorrow: Thing that make me happy.

Thursday

I think every day is a Thursday, why is that? Maybe the idea that Friday is mere hours away appeals to me..but why then dont i think its friday? Dunno, man.

Yes, it has been infinately long since I posted. Not much has happened that cannot be put into quotes of 145 characters or less ( subtle plug for the twitter -->)

Im really going to try harder to be amusing on the interweb again. Hopefully this doesnt mean taking my clothing off.

ooooh shit. first i love that me and jeremy have a song. its queen "you;re my best friend ' how iam i so fdrunk and ion the internet ? ewveryine has been prerty good art stoppinh mr fro0m using the inter net haha i am going toi blog if you liike it or not mutha rfuyckassss

"Is this real life?"

Stoned children. Almost as awesome as dogs who love cupcakes. I really feel for him when he says ' is this going to be forever?'...thats what i always stress about when im on mushrooms.


Went to Banff last weekend...drank heavily...ate awesome fondue...relaxed in a hottub. Going to Edmonton this weekend...hope to drink heavily, go on waterslides and eat pizza. I am such a socialite. Move over Paris.

Welcome to the French Revolution

Hi, Im Robespierre. Whatsup.**

So, first, I found out my partners gave themselves a 15 thousand bonus each, not hundred. Yeah. Close your mouth, yer gonna catch flies.

In response to that little factoid, myself and the other 2 employees who were passed up for bonuses were mad as hell and, in fact, decided we were not going to take it any more. We asked the partners into the boardroom and i happily informed them that we were made aware of the bonuses handed out and we wanted to know why were were passed up. I have never seen two forty-something men squirm like they were hauled into the principal's office before. They asked to speak to us separately and then told me, simply, that i made too much last year to be earning a bonus. Hmmmm... lets see...I bring in most of the revenue this year...you guys bring in less...and my repayment is being told i make too much. Yeah, great concept. Work hard and get shit all.

Anyways, the whole office is now extremely tense. The people who got bonuses feel bad, the bosses are mad at us for bringing this up, and we are all still without bonuses and pissed to hell. Hooray. Let the heads start to roll.

I should mention that if i wasnt the one who brought in so much, I wouldnt had had the guts to confront them. I mean, they cant fire me. How would they pay the bills?

Now that im super pissy, I need to go watch Flight of the Conchords again. Its here if you dont have HBO. Word.

(** I took a course in the French Revolution in University. Which means I shouldnt compare myself to Robespierre, cuz it didnt end too well for him. Plus, Im more like Danton politically...)

And now a hypnotic gaze from a cupcake loving dog

Thats Stains the Dog... I think everytime I watch that, there is a 50 50 chance I may pee my pants. (the best way to watch him is via the Soup, but they dont let ya embed...plus they end it with Spaghetti Cat)

So Im having a shit day. Again. I just learned that my company decided to pick and choose who to give bonuses to at Christmas...and despite the fact that I am the only reason this low rent hell hole hasnt gone into the red, I was not given one. My partners, who did jack shit last year, awarded their merits with a bonus of 1500 each. Huh.

I also had a pyrric victory ( booyah! I knew a minor in Greek and Classical Mythology would come in handy somewhere!) last week against our favourite crazy ass Court of Appeal litigant, Count Chocula. I was not successful in having his appeal struck...but he was given a week to file his documents ( which is unlikely in that its already taken him over 2 months) and costs in the amount of 1000. Fuck. I still feel like I dropped le ball on that one.

Hee hee. Balls.

Ive been listening the the song 'Time to Pretend' by MGMT alot lately. Its good. About fucking models, doing drugs and dying young. Lucky! ( said a la Napoleon Dynamite). I went out on Friday with a girl who can dance like Napoleon Dynamite. She is pretty much awesome. I kept dancing in the window like I was on Electric Circus. Where was I? Oh right... good song about saying fuck it to work and living on an island with fancy cars and models and drugs.

Please dont make me go out there.

Still no ring. Still no computer that allows pictures. sorry, man.

Have you seen that Family Guy episode where Peter flies to Kentucky and then goes to KFC and asks to speak with the Colonel and the toothless guy at the counter says 'hedaid.' and peter says louder and slower. 'The colonel. Can. I meet. him.' and again 'no man i say you hedaid'

yeah, that guy just totally called me. 'mywhy sez she wan deeverse an i no gonna do it.' And when i said she retained me to do it and i will proceed. 'yer makin perblems that no say be needin'.

I just talked to my client, and she said that he actually works at Red Lobster and makes $2.00 an hour. He decided to sell the matrimonial home in order to buy four jet skis. Wow.

I had to google how to spell "colonel".

I spent the majority of this weekend playing the Wii and smoking dope. Fun fact: much unlike the actual sports, I am actually better at bowling and boxing when i am baked.

I didn't go to the wedding fair. I decided that no matter what, I am wearing a gold dress to my wedding. Why? Cuz I want to. There. Deal with it.

I am procrastinating opening my office door because the next appointment is certifiably crazy and I asked for a totally outlandish retainer in order to have her go away...and she somehow came up with the money. Fuck. Sometimes it backfires.

I am a bad girl

No, not like I should be riding the 'Rock of Love Bus'...or being the raison de bitching for Nancy Grace... I am bad at being a girl.

There is this bridal show this weekend...and every time I start thinking about being in a room with a bunch of princess wannabees I almost vomit on my shoes. It seems that every female is supposed to be born with some innate desire to want to have a big wedding and have "dreamed" of the "fantasy" ( their fucking words...not mine) of this shit since they were little. Why cant I tell people I am (eventually) getting married and not have them start asking about my "perfect wedding day" ( again, the words of these mofos...not this beeatch). Fuck. I dont even have the ring yet and Im phreaking the phuck out about this shit.

Ahhhhh... I feel better now.

I am actually now just telling people I am having a Star Wars wedding...because the only person I dressed up as in a white dress was Princess Leia.

I bought myself this supa sweet espresso maker in December-- and it takes about five minutes to make a cappucino so deeeelightful it makes you wanna cream your pants. Some days, Id rather sleep in that additional 5 minutes and my day is then not so smoothe and creamy. Today is one of these days.

Speaking of coffee, I have approx. $80.00 in star buck gift cards in my wallet. I just keep acquiring them from people and havent been able to use them fast enough. I should get naked and roll in them or something. What movie is that from? Indecent Proposal? Yeah, like that.

I miss Christmas holidays. Getting up at 11:00 am...drinking the cum inducing cappuccino... playing Wii fit and Guitar Hero World Tour until dinner time. Fuck. I need to retire or something.

Henrietta Pussycat says Meow meow Meow Meow*

sorry cats and kittens, I still dont have the ring or a computer that lets me post pictures. oh so sad is my existence. no, not really.

Here are some things I am recently obsessed with and wish i could show you pics:

1. Shamwow...('are you following me camera guy?' )

2. The Snuggie

3. Old-timey photgraphs taken at the mall

4. my wii fit, and my "trainer" Brad who i yell at while i do yoga. Its funny how enjoyable i find angry yelling-at-tv-set yoga.

*seriously, did that bitch ever say anything else?

Can I blame it on the economy?

Sorry about the whole being MIA for the last month. I can come up with a cavalcade of excuses...the economy....work...the break down of my work computer and that the one I am using now is a piece of shite that crashes whenever Im on the internet for more than 5 minutes...the fact that while I was on my Christmas break the last thing I wanted to do was use a computer.... and they would all be partly correct.

I do plan on updating...lets call it a new years resolution. No, a new years Revolution! I revolt against being lazy and not blogging. If I can find the start up disk for my camera program, Im going to load it later today and put up some pictures on here. There are lots from the past while...all simply hilarious.

Oh, and some very very very exciting and good news......

....

....

...

get ready for it....


ME AND JER ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!



Dont worry, this blog will not be turning into a 'bridezilla' typr page. That aint me. In fact, the whole idea of weddings, rings, dresses make me pretty nauseous. I did get a pretty sweet ring, though.

Two weeks to go...

Hmmm. If I gave two weeks notice, I would never have to return to work after Christmas vacation....hmmmm... tempting.

So if the usual bullshit wasnt enough...

1. I now have a car that was towed to the VW dealership yesterday and may not be running again until next Monday... I had a settlement meeting today that i had to take a cab, bus, and train to get to. I felt like a fricking tool calling the office asking them how much the bus cost cuz it had been so long since i took it.

2. My computer at work is down and Im working on this shitty small one in the hallway that has this small screen and i need to sit two inches away from the screen to see it. Its slow and everytime i get an email it crashes. It has no speakers or earphone jack so i have to listen to the muzack that comes out of the phone. I am going to fucking looose it.

3. Its getting colder every day

4. There is too much candy around. I am now down 12 pounds from October. With the rate of stress candy eating, this will be gone soon.

Happy motherfucking holidays

19 days until Christmas vacation

I was in trial all fucking day yesterday. All. Fucking. Day. Brootal. Its like Monday morning the heavens opened and dropped a ton of shit on me. I feel like Im running around like a hooker with her pants off.

Im not sure if i have mentioned my obsession with the Live Cam puppies.
I am obsessed with the Live Cam puppies. They are on my computer all day. I learned on Tuesday that they are going to their forever homes on Saturday. I am in mourning today for this reason.

I just got a mass email sent to me from my super ex. He and little wifey just had their second kid-- named Cash. If you know anything about me, you will note that anyone who would name their child after money was not that compatible with me at all. ( and no, I doubt they named him after Johnny Cash-- asshead hated his music)I really hope I was on his email list by mistake...pretty lame otherwise.

Hip Hop party last week was hilarious. Colt 45s were drank... fried chicken and watermelon was consumed...and I fucking rocked out as a chola. I forgot my camera to post the pics on here. Wikked.

I cant wait for the 24th-- 11 days off. Fuck. It cant happen too soon.

This soup tastes kinda funny

Im eating Wild mushroom and turkey soup-- the after taste is vaguely 'magic' tasting...like psilocybin. Its kinda making me nauseaous. And makes me think i should hole up in a room somewhere before the walls start melting. Im the Pretty Prince of Parties!

My Stampeders won the Grey Cup on Sunday YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! *insert victory dance* I am now worried that it is going to be hard to get season tickets for the 2009 season. Poop. Is it bad that part of me was cheering against them?

Work is about to get super fucked up. Ohhh how I love the Christmas season. I am just about to leave for a settlement meeting. I have 3 this week plus I am in discoveries for 2 whole days. Wanna know how fucking boring that is? Excessively fucking boring. Eight hours of listening to someone else ask questions. Then eight hours of asking questions. Honestly, I wish I could hire someone else to do it for me. Like a hobo. Id loan him or her a suit of Jer's. I'd even watch his shopping cart for him while he did it.

This Saturday is Over the Top Hip Hop. I may buck the trend and not wear hot pants this year. I am going as a chola instead.

November 19-- fuck! already?

First of all, its November 19. I hate November 19.

I really had grandiose plans of blogging for every day of November. I am a dreamer. An unrealistic dreamer.

In case you are unaware (ie. because you are a. not Canadian or b. do not care) Calgary's football team the Stampeders, which I do actually cheer for, are in the Grey Cup this Sunday. I am very very very excited about this. I have been to a bunch of Stamps games this season and was at last Saturday's triumphant victory. Had we not of won, I would likely be complaining about how frickin cold it was that day...but the memory of my frozen ass is not as great as the jubilation of the win.

Saturday also Jer and I found this really cute baby kitten on our street. We brought her in, fed her, kept her overnight and put up signs in our neighbourhood. I was starting to think that even a dog person can like a cat....until Eva tried to eat her. We ended up taking her to a vet clinic who would look for her owner or take her to the SPCA if no one showed. I am still kinda sad about it.

I am also sad about my pant situation. I own pants varying in sizes from 2 to 10. None fit me...and not in the ways you'd expect. I have size 8s that are too small and 4s that i need a belt to keep up. Seriously. what the fuck? Id go buy new ones, but what size? And really, what would be the point? So the next time I lose/gain five pounds they wont fit? Fuck it. Im buying all lycra from now on.

I am now officially in love with Flight of the Conchords. I giggle about them all day long. Currently I have the French song in my head. Ahhh, La conversation dans la parc! I guess what makes them even funnier is that Jer manages a band with 2 people in it...and made a video...and tshirts...with robots. I havent asked if he does roll call at the beginning of each meeting.

Hey, how 'bout them Oilers?

This post has been quite the clusterfuck. I have pretty much posted 6 different posts in one. That means Im only 2 days off from posting every day this month. Yippee.

I lost my parking ticket. Now my first born child belongs to the centennial parkade.

I'm at a fancy firm downtown. The mints in the candy dish have their initials on it.

I think they forgot I'm here. The bike messanger is also lonely.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

While it seems that everyone else in the free world was watching his acceptance speech I was in bed reading a Douglas Adams book.

So, I love exit polls. It was one of my fave things to write about when I got my first degree ( Fun fact: My Political Science BA has a specialization in Political Psychology and Voting Behaviour.). On all the twenty seven hours of election coverage, they base so much of their info on what people are telling them...effectively informing those who have not yet voted who is likely ahead if they want to jump on the old bandwagon...however, a lot of people do lie. No one wants to be a racist or sexist, right?

So, because all that I do on my blog is educational and scientific, I decided to do my own exit polls:


Name: Ma'at-- Egyptian Goddess of Virtue and Justice.
Age: Few thousand or so
Voted for: McCain. They were in the same homeroom in Home Ec.



Name: Princess Puppyhead
Age: 6 mos.
Voted For: McCain. As a pitbull, she also likes wearing lipstick sometimes. And shes full of folksy cuteness...*wink*



Name: Snowbie the Non-Seasonal Snowman
Age: twenty something
Voted for: Obama. A snowman for all seasons, a president for all reasons. (I told him this was lame and he got really mad at me)



Name: Gumby and his "life partner" Pokey
Age: Mid 50s
Voted for: Obama. Ahem, guess why.



Then I told them all that they are just the toys in my office and not elligible to vote due to the facts that they are 1) Not registered 2) Not American and 3) Inanimate.

Happy Blow-vember

This month already blows. Congratulations! (said in the Target Lady's voice. I miss the Target Lady. Where did you get those rainbow suspenders! They will look perfect with my green quilted pantsuit!)

Notwithstanding that quoting the Target Lady has now brought a smile to my face, I am pissy. Here I was all planning to post my halloween pics on here....and then one of those shittay things that happens only to me happens... I WAS FUCKING SERVED.

I am being sued by a client of mine from 2005 who was a total dickhead and says because of my negligence he is out $68 000. I know i will be okay, as the even that he said i "negligently performed" was actually something that happened before I was his lawyer, worked at this firm, or was even called to the bar yet. Its still a reaaaaal fucking piss off, though. I need to go through all the steps of hiring counsel and defending this fucking thing. Like i said, happy fucking Blowvember.

In related news, I am going to take a bag of Digi and Eva's dogshit and throw it at his house.

In other related news, I want to punch this fucking douchenozzle until blood pumps out of his mouth, ears, and nose.

Ahhh. I feel better now. Here is me as Princess Leia.



Here Princess Leia says 'Help me dead Elvis and Vampirella...you are my only hope"