Funky

And not in the 'Parliament' sorta way... Im in a funk, yall.

I dont know if its the weather...the fact that i decided i dont like what im wearing today...or the volcano like protusion coming out of my forehead (im a unicorn, hooray!)..but im just, like y'know. For lack of a better word-- I'm 'meh'.

Im sitting in my office reading about cute things** and listening to Les Savy Fav and drinking coffee with flavoured creamer... it aint working. I just dont know, man.

I think i need to go shopping at noon. Or maybe get a tattoo or something. Haha.

On the house front, I think we have picked a house. Well, two actually. A red one and a brown one. Ive been thinking in lists lately trying to decide which one i like more.. I have a feeling Jer likes one more than the other...and its not the one i would consider my first choice...but who knows. Id be happy with either.

I also just realised that i have not been intoxicated since New Years. Thats a fucking shame. Maybe I need to down a bottle of Jack, then get that tattoo...haha

(*places to read about cute things:

Cute with Chris

Cuteoverload

I can has Cheeseburger

Greetings from Siberia

No, not really. Its just -37 outside right now and kinda feels like it.

So, Im reading this memoir of a junkie and in an interview of the book she said that she chose to publish a memoir and not her diary posts, because sometimes she just wasnt that interesting and who wants to hear about her buying groceries and reading...

And thats why I havent posted since the 10th. Honestly. All Ive been doing is house hunting, sleeping, and eating. No real anecdotes or anything....although I am getting really good at Guitar Hero II.... and that Ive been having nightmares about the scary dude from No Country for Old Men.

As for houses, Jer and I have found TWO that we love...and neither is in our price range, but one is just outside that range. If I do get something, that will be considered blog worthy.

With so many years to fall in line, why would you wish that on me?

Note: Im going out on a limb here and not posting a picture of myself in a bikini. I know... y'all love looking at my flab squished in between a few triangles of fabric, but Im starting the new year differently.

Fuck man, I just realised that I have successfully completed another box of christmas-inspired candies here at my desk. Apparently all my clients decided to gang up on me this year and give me nothing but foods which shall remain on my hips and ass for the rest of the year. Uh, thanks.

BTW they were these little creme filled cookie tubes and were fucking delicious. Looks like Ill need to demolish another package of truffles next.

So Ive been house shopping for the last week. I am both excited and scared at the same time. Yeah, its kinda fun spending money...and when that money is measured in hundreds of thousands its an even bigger rush. Of course, its also a scary thought being in debt for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Maybe thats what they call growing up? (shrugs shoulders comically and continues dancing to Blink 182 'Whats my age again?')

Speaking of dancing, I went to a friends' bday party at a bar last night. On a wednesday. And I drank a bunch of shooters and some cider and cranberry. On a Wednesday.... And today I am bitch-ass tired. Fuck, I never knew i needed to be in bed before 11 until today.

Speaking of old people, there was this old guy in here for an appointment and now my office smells like old people. EWWWWW. Its like body odor meets Old Spice meets pipe tobacco.

2007: A YEAR IN (PARTIAL) REVIEW II

so where were we?

right

MAY

I was still in Costa Rica. I didnt want to come back, actually.



I did come back...and allowed my friends to dress me up like a blowup doll.

I partied like it was 1956 at a friend's "compound" in Rocky Mountain House with a bunch of hippies.

I turned 30. The blow of this trauma was weakened by Jer buying me Star Wars Art and a lizard named Kobayashi.



JUNE

Jer's hockey team had their annual kegger/ rock party with the Aces



I took an acting class where my instructor seemed to have a serious hate on for me... but i used the anger this created to channel my character...thus causing my scene to be super-awesome.

I saw Roger Waters...and took mushrooms. Sweet.

JULY

I had a big hate on for our receptionist at work. I hated this stupid tool...and her little pink dragon too.

There was a rock festival in Calgary called Sled Island during the long weekend. Jer and I took in a bunch of acts, including the A team, CPC Gangbangs,and the now infamous Les Savy Fav. My life will never be the same.

It was over 30 degrees for 3 weeks straight. Everyone was crabby and irritable. Jer and I tried to beat the heat by floating down the river on a raft (and drinking a bottle of Peach Schnapps) and going to Sylvan Lake.



Despite the extreme heat, I started an outdoor workout group. Nothing like running up stairs in 30 degree heat. Pukerama!

AUGUST

I was either really busy...or really boring...cuz I didnt blog once during August. Eep.

According to my pictures, Jer's team won the Marcus Warren Cup for the 5th time in their summer hockey league. Go Aces!!!



SEPTEMBER

Jer and I went to Waterton Lakes Park and Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump-- two cool places with even cooler names. We decided to hike into Montana on what we thought would be a 3 hour hike-- ended up being muuuuuch lonnnnnger. Oh yeah, and we took mushrooms.



I was reported to the law society. (FYI: It hasnt gone away yet) Fuck.

I went to a friend's wedding and managed to have 30 pictures taken of me with my mouth open.



I began the Fables of Juicy ( which are just on temporary hiatus)

OCTOBER

I went to Vancouver for a Bat Mitzvah...and ended up having a Quincenera!



I also I stalked some cute asian children and rocked out at the Aquarium.

NOVEMBER

I received a large ticket for forgetting (for 6 months) to register my car.

Me and Sonja had a girls night-- which involved us buying an accordion, getting sushi, and then becoming fucked up on mushrooms. We watched "Valley Girl" which, at the time, was the best movie i had ever seen.



Jer and I decided to go to Mexico for Christmas...mostly to avoid the awkward Christmas/ Hannukah issues...but also because I needed a fucking vacation.

DECEMBER

Over the Top Hip Hop 3 was a roaring success. I, for the 3rd year, wore hotpants.



I hated how busy work was.

I went to Los Cabos, Mexico. Y'all were jealous.





I became La Luz! the mexican wrestler...


the arch nemesis of



EL CHOMPISAURRR!

2007: A YEAR IN (PARTIAL) REVIEW

JANUARY

I started the year vowing to not be lazy (snort!) and then did my recap post. Apparently i did drugs on Jan 01. I also did more drugs for the rest of the month. Dang.



I gave up carbs for a while. It made me wonky.

While trying to do volunteer work with my greyhound rescue agency i "accidently" met, fell in love with, and subsequently adopted a little retard named Shock wave Eva.

I took an acting class. Woot.

This should be on everyone's list for best moment in sports-- and its from my baby oilers:



FEBRUARY

I watched the superbowl. The Bills werent in it this year to lose.

Jer decided to allow me to keep Eva. He said it was my Valentines day gift-- which just meant he didnt need to buy me anything. Cheapass.


Eva: Sweet gesture...or being cheap?

For our 2nd Anniversary/ Jer's bday we went to Banff. We got wasted at a fondue joint and ended up drinking the chocolate. Romantic!

The Oil traded Smitty. I got pissy...and still dont wanna talk about it.

MARCH

I hated daylight savings time.

I questioned whether people jackoff at work.

We decided that we would be travelling to Costa Rica in may... i immediately added learning Spanish to my hobbies ( along with lamenting about the Oilers and not eating carbs)

Digit bit a chunk out of Eva's face. Whether this is because he also gave up carbs, im not too sure.

APRIL

My bloggin took a sudden and horrible downturn when i discovered a little something called "facebook". Sorry, I was blinded by its slick good looks and fast talking.

We hosted a DJ night-- really all I did was dance and drink shooters



I wrote a play for lawday about Pirates and Sexual Discrimination. Fuck I rule.

A certain team failed to make the playoffs-- yet remained #1 in my heart.

I left for Costa Rica-- learned to surf, drank Pina Coladas, was in a bus accident and had a fucking great time.




TOMORROW: MAY TO DECEMBER... WILL JUICY EAT CARBS? WILL DIGIT START TO LIKE EVA? STAY TUNED!!

So much for New Years Resolutions

marriedtothesea.com

Back from Mexico, tanned, and already 2 days behind on my blogging. Will wonders ever cease.

Im prepping the year end post-- will be soon.

I'm gonna buy u a draank. Then ima gonna take u home wid me. What do you think about that?

That's a hip hop song by t pain. Awesome.

It was my Christmas party tonite. I've been drunk since eleven.

4. Days to Mexico. Fuck yeah.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

And I dont like what you got me hanging from

My first thought when i saw this picture-- Why?!?

First thing first-- they are making this and I am literally jumping around like an uber nerd here in my office

Im also listening to Pretty Noose by Soundgarden...and it makes me think about smoking weed and eating doritos when i was in undergrad.

Im not letting my financial problems get me down. I mean, fuck, Im going to Mexico in less than a week...Ill actually be on a beach in 7 days time... things are good with everything. I should stop bitchin.

I would like some Doritos, though.

The post of the DEVIL

(So you know, this is my 666 posting. OOOH, scary)

So Im kinda bummed right now because i learned that even with the mortgage i could be approved for, Im still about 170 000 short to get the house i want. Soooo, Im either going to have to rob a bank...or do the Anna Nicole Smith method to financial sucess and find an old dude with lotsa money.

Is it too soon to joke about Anna Nicole? Fuck. I dont care. I do drink alot of SlimFast.... we have that in common.

Its only 8 days til i leave. I have so much to do before then, I want to flail my arms in the air and throw a hissy fit. However, this will not help me get this work done....so, yeah.

I had a really laid back weekend. I watched a bunch of movies and cleaned my house. Oh, and dreamed about buying a certain house thats a few hundred thousand out of my price range. did i mention im bummed about this? oh. right.

I watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night. I watched it by myself because sometimes its not cool for other people to watch me geek out. I think part of my mystique is lost when im jumping on the couch and yelling "Kick his ASS, Hermoine!!!" or "You fucking rock, Ginny Weasley!" I guess anyone who already knows me would know this side of me anyways.

Let me just now throw out that im officially annoyed at Americas Next Top Model. I can pretty much guess in the first episode who they will pick. And its not editing or the way they film it-- its just whoever i think is the most annoying will be #4, and the girl who i would lease like to hang out with will win. They are either nauseatingly perky or boring as shit. Way to be Tyra.

I dont feel like uploading pictures. Sorry.

Edit:
I changed my mind. Now this is fucking fierce, Tyra!

Frickin christmas

Stuck in court. Everyone bitchin about access. Fuck man.

I have a job interview next week with the government. No more whiny clients. No more begging for bill payment. Less chance of being reported. It sounds like a dream.

I'm also seeing that house tonight.

Stop whining lady. You will see the kids on xmas eve.

This blows.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Thirteen days

My life is a constant countdown to leaving everthing behind. I am a walking advent calendar, but instead of chocolates there is SlimFast bars and pulse squats. I cannot fucking wait for the "holiday season" to end and the holiday to start. Why do people go crazy at christmas? Why? Is there a reason that normal people decide to all but crucify their ex at this time of year? Why would people who normally are so sane and congenial decide that they need to divorce their ex--right now-- and do everything to ruin their lives? Do you think your kids want to remember that every Christmas ended up in Court? uhg.

See? This is why i havent blogged. Do you really wanna hear this?

So Ive now successfully paid off the giant Visa of neverending debt-- it only took 2 years-- and have made progress on the Line of Credit of doom. So...what am i looking at doing? Buying a house. Yeah. And not just any house, a house that costs half a million dollars. ( FYI in Calgary a home that costs 450,000.00 is considered a "starter home". Fuckin shit man) How much do i love being in debt, anyway? It is a pretty cool house though, built in 1961 and completely reno'd with hardwood floors, a giant kitchen, and an yard for the dogs. Pretty sweet.

It may not happen, though, cuz the person i spoke to about mortgages asked me if i had a 25% downpayment. Uhhh... yeah, I have $120,000 just sitting around for a rainy day... I told them i might be able to get like 10,000.00 and they were all "Oh, can you borrow the rest". So...anyone want to lend me $90,000.00? I already asked Digit-- he said no.

Digit and Eva are good. She has now discovered the couch and believes that it is the best dog bed around. Great. As if Jer hogging the couch wasnt bad enough, now I have her to deal with too.

I am going to try and post every workday until i leave. And Im going to try to think of less bitchy things to blog about.

Shit. How is it December 11 already?

I really suck.
I really do.

Ive actually been missing blogging. I useda do it when i first came in every morning to work. Now I actualy (gasp!) work when i come into work.

It does mean that I have a NYrs resolution this year-- blog more. And its something which is pretty plausible to do. I mean, I wont even have an exciting "year in review" post this year ferchrissakes-- I mean I barely blogged during the summer at all.

In case you wanted to know, its 14 days until i get to hit the beaches of Mexico. I am trying to live off of water and SlimFast until then so I dont get mistaken for Moby Dick. Yknow-- giant white whale.

Saturday was 'Over the Top Hip Hop night' and, as always, I wore hot pants and spent most of the night posing like i was a gangstar...or a crumper. Pure awesome.

I dont think Ive brought this up on my blog, but I have been thinking it for the last while... and I dont want it to sound racist and shit.... but Im sick of China. Like its on Top Model, Survivor, all these friggin media whore type shows etc. just because the Olympics are coming up. And seriously.... are we now just supposed to forget about all the Human Rights violations? What about Tibet? Fuck. Just paint over all that shit with pictures of happy dancers and grandmothers doing TaiChi. Fuck.

Yeah. Getting too heavy on here for the first post in a while. Here are some hip hop pics:

its already one of those kinda days

...so watch something cute as i try to make time to post an actual post

Mexico, Mormons, and Moxy Fruvous

Wanna know whats shitty? Waking up with a fucking a cappella song in your head. Like really. What is this, 1990? Am I wearing neon?

So for those who live vicariously through me ( yeah-- it could happen. Dont burst my ego bubble when i still have Moxy Früvous in my head)just thought Id let you know what my Christmas plans are. Im fucking going to a small village outside on Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and laying on a fucking beach and drinking fucking tequila. What do you think about that big shot? While you are singing about bells and sleigh rides, Im going to be sunning my boobs. You'll have egg nog, Ill have margaritas.

Actually, while I was typing that i got strangely sad that I dont get to have Christmas anymore.

So I watched a lot of reality TV yesterday. Im kinda pissed off that Jennie Garth was eliminated before the Tubby Mormon mom....but watching the Bachelor dump both girls made up for it. I hate the writers strike, by the way. Not that I dont support their right to strike-- I think the stations should give them better renumeration for good shows...blah, blah, blah --anyhoo, Im just mad that new shows might be ending this week. Im really into 30 Rock right now and will be sad if I dont get to see the madcap lives of Tracy Jordan and Kenneth the NBC Page lived out on my TV this Thursday.

Heres a tangent you didnt expect me to go off on: I am having pant issues right now. Im not sure if i lost weight, they stretched, or if the pantgods are mocking me, but it looks like im wearing hammer pants. Im sure these fit me when i bought them last month.

Did Moxy Fruvous do anything else than write that one annoying song? Were they popular anywhere but Canada--especially in cities where there was college radio?

Oh yeah, do you know what pisses me off? When people say things on TV or stuff about "Canada" like we are one city. Last night some chick on Miami Ink (see? Reality show) Said that everyone in Canada knew her dad because he did something. Oh really? Im in Canada. I dont remember meeting her dad or knowing him for some feat. In fact, I cant even remember this feat that all Canadians are supposed to recall. Dumb ass.

Breakin' the Law Breakin the Law

So, guess who found out this morning that her car registration expired 6 months ago? And guess how she found out?

Answers: 1. Me 2. By being pulled over by the po-po on a busy street during rush hour traffic.

Honestly though, I really did think i got to do it every two years--and when i didnt receive a renewal notice on Monday, I thought fer sure I would be fine. Yeah. And smarty pants here didnt have proof of insurance in her car either.

Luckily I talked my way out of that one...and assured the nice officer that I would immediately go get new tags so he wouldnt tow my car. Instead of giving me the $500 ticket for not having a registered car, he instead gave me a $175 ticket for not producing valid registration on request. ( yeah, I got out of it cuz Im cute. Deal with it)

So hey kids-- make sure you have a registered car.

Anyways... other than that joy, I am quite happy to report that I went and saw GWAR on Wednesday. If you have never done this before, I recommend you do it immediately. I learned that the human body will pulsate and spray blood up to 50ft away for 5 minutes if you cut someone's head off. Its true. I didnt manage to get covered in blood, but i did get some of "hitler"'s semen on me when he was spraying the crowd with his dink. Yeah-- blood, semen, shit, you name it, GWAR had someone pumping it.

It looks like i found a place to accomodate my doggies over christmas break-- so my dreams of having a vacation away may now come true. Thank Christ. I fucking need a break.

Now presenting a bunch of pictures that i just feel like sharin'

I found a bunch of weird pics on my camera after this weekend. Here.



Im not sure if Ive ever blogged this, but everytime I get really drunk-- I am prone to taking self portraits of myself--while in the bathroom. No, nothing creepy or nude-- just usually a picture like the above ( usual positions are 1. winking 2. kissing or 3. sticking out tongue). I literally have thousands of these pictures-- about 20 per drunken night for the last 3 years.

This is the best of last weekend.

Also, my black and white coat sure has made its own presence here on the old blog. It almost has co-host status.



Gumby always looks really happy. Sometimes I think he is mocking me. Sometimes Ill be in a meeting and someone will be going on about something that Im not interested in and Ill shift my gaze to Gumby...and then need to supress laughter. In the above picture, it cracks me up that Gumby is carrying poor pokey like a handbag clutched under his arm.



So I have been taking part in Bikini Bootcamp for the last 4 months. Im not sure if Ive lost any weight, but I think i look less squishy...and I feel like im in better shape. This is a pic of my actual class-- I was late that day-- and as you can note no, they arent actually wearing Bikinis to work out. Idiots. (Actually Ive been wearing approx. 5 layers to work out in cuz its dang cold and dark now when we work out)

I gotta say that I have never had my ass kicked so hard in all my life. I have actually puked a total of 6 times since starting.




This is Eva looking photogenic. when you have dogs bred to be fast-- its pretty hard to get a picture of them where they arent a) a blur or b) sleeping.

The Fables of Juicy #6: I am an angry driver

It is even hard for me to post a picture about said driving...because I am too angry while i am driving to post a picture.

I yell at passing cars. I yell at people on the street. I yell at traffic lights...stop signs..curbs.. yah, you get it. I need to listen to my music very very loud to drown out the fact that I am angry at everything around me.

If you are wondering who I listen to when i drive the answer is thus:

LES SAVY FAV

I saw LSF this summer in Calgary...and have not listened to another CD in my car since. I have 4 of their albums which i just go between.

If you go to their myspace page... listen to The Equestrian, The Sweat Descends, and Raging in the Plague Age... and picture someone in a silver VW driving angry and erratic driving 20 km above the speed limit...and thrashing to the music. Yah. Thats me.

So its Halloween again. In my never ending battle to find original costumes that no one really understands... I wore this this year. My camera died before I could get a better shot... but I was also wearing pink shorts and red cowboy boots.

Now, smartypantses... who was I?

The Fables of Juicy #6: I hate wearing socks.

Note: Winter Coat



Note: ridiculous shoes

Today there was snow on the ground. This pisses me off. It makes wearing ridiculous sandal-type open toed shoes pretty hard. And man do you get weird looks when you are wearing open shoes and scraping ice and snow off your car in the morning.

It appears that socks may be in my future. And this pisses me off.

So I was reading crappy gossip sites at noon and found out that although I have been writing 2007 on all my documents, its actually 1997.

It appears that AQUA and Ace of Bass are both getting back together and putting out albums. Along with the Spice Girls, its like the late 1990s are back. Whats next? A reunion on Fresh Prince of Bel Air? A Fat Oprah? A straight Ellen DeGeneres?

I went to Canadian Tire yesterday and instead of picking up some chairs... I was guilted by some dude to buy a $25.00 calendar. Yeah, I know. Calendars are usually free...found in restaurants and dentist offices each year with nary a cost.

And its not like they really made me feel bad for their charity or anything... it was just like the dude came up to me, shook my hand, and started his plight about said calendar...and i think i blacked out or something for 10 minutes, and at the end of it I was holding the calendar and a receipt for $25.00 in my hand. Maybe he was a witch or something. It made me think of times when Homer Simpson is thinking about doing something...and by the time he decides what to do, he's already in his car driving away. D'Oh!

Jer and I are thinking about heading to Vegas for the 24- 29th ( I wont call it Christmas, cuz, well, y'know)...its not a done deal yet. We are still looking into places/ dates to go etc. I can say that Jer is making it next to impossible for me to plan the trip though ( NOTE TO JER SHOULD HE READ THIS: YEAH, I SAID IT... YOU ARE BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS) as everytime I research something, plan it out with Expedia with 3 different possible choose-your-own-adventure type scenarios hes all "uhhh... what if we stayed (here) instead" or "did you look at (some fucking random thing Id never think of) as well?"... then I say "No" and he makes me re-research it. When I say "Why dont YOU look that up" he comes up with some excuse (ususally about Hockey or how tired he is) and then thats it.

To make a long story short (ooh too late) If I want to actually go to Vegas-- I need to plan it myself or it aint gonna happen.

Anyone got any big suggestions for Las Vegas or Reno?

A note to parents:

Free Texas Dating

Fucking rights fuck! Motherfucking motherfuck! Hahaha!

The Fables of Juicy #5: I generally lack professionalism

This is what im wearing right now. Along with a pair of dress pants, blouse...and pair of white and green sketchers.

Maybe I SHOULD be concerned about this. Naaaaaaaah.

Anyhoo the reason for my lack of care about the legal profession is basically because my woes with the Law Society are far from over. They want me to respond to a bunch of questions where my answer for everything is basically "No, I didnt do this. I wish I would had..but hindsight is 20-20". Im actually half pissed off and half totally bummed about it. I wish it was one of those situations where I could just say that I didnt know better at the time... I do now...and I wont make that mistake again. ( I tried this approach. They didnt like it)

Jeremy's response to their continuing investigation was a dozen roses-- with a card saying 'Fuck the Law Society'.

In other craptacular news, I just found out that my Grandmother has cancer...and had a masectomy yesterday. Im glad to hear she is now ok, but Im kinda pissed off that no one bothered to tell me previously. I am glad to also hear that her spirits are also feisty and positive: when asked if she was getting a boob implant reconstruction she said "only if I meet a hot guy on the way to surgery". Anyways, now I feel better for doing my part for Boobiethon... and now for the Bras for the Cause that Im doing this weekend. Im not just a perv, Im doing it for Gram.

Also, my fish died yesterday. Poor guy.

This post is bumming me out.

This is something awesome...and answers the question of what my talent would be if i was in a beauty pageant


If I hadnt already picked out my costume for Halloween this year...it'd be her.