Holy Crap!!!

Dude! I passed the Bar Exams!!!

Whew. I need to sit down. Im shaking.

Merry Blah-mas

Bored. In E town. No drinkin. No humpin.No fun posts.

Sorry, kids. Im trying, seriously i am.

Day 04!?!?!?

Yes, day four. I wish i was shittin ya, but i aint. And day four was prolly the pinnacle, the top, the outmost of the 4 days of drinking.

It began when i met up with Mila and his friends for a "walk down 17th". Yup. Famous muthafuckin last words.

Started at at the ship with a bloody mary...and the beginning of one of the repeated themes of the night. The singing of the Old Spice song. [ Doo doo de doo doo de de doo doo de doo doo....]
Went to "jim the octopus" [aka Bob the Fish...and another theme of the night] to play Buck hunter. At some point i began referring to myself as "Pussy Galore" and began hump attacking EVERYTHING. [theme 3]

At some point we ended up at Lucky...all the while hump attacking, singing the old spice song, and calling Graham "jim the octopus". At some point me and Mila became dancin fools. Apparently we were "vogue-ing". And yes-- at one point i was table dancing for the peoples. When the bouncers asked me to get down, I informed them i was just "giving the people what they wanted".

Then we went to Tantra [and erm, i may had a bit of a jealousy attack causing us to leave] so me and Mila decided to buy a case of black label [ obviously we werent drunk enough?!?!] and get bizzay. Maybe the constant hump attacking triggered sumpin in his brain.

I gave him a "special birthday BJ" [oh yeah, it was his bday-- i also got him some piercings, no, just his ears..for now] and i think we had sex.

But seriously. Im starting to get spotty... the drinking honestly ends now.

Waking up with a hangover...third day in a row.

Man. This has gotta stop. My hangovers are only separated by more bouts of power drinking where i find myself chugging back the red bull and voddys, making lewd phone calls to people, and trying to not puke.

Last night was even more fugged up than the preceeding nights-- well, i think it was. [my memory is kinda patchy]

So i ended up at Cowboys again...but this time i didnt get ditched by everyone [and no, i havent heard from B Rabbit yet although i have been informed that she and EL ended up going to the Roadhouse on Friday, as i assumed, so they could meet up with their "boys".] Instead, I ended up drinking a bunch of jagermeister [strike one], jack daniels [strike two] and red bull and voddy [strike 3...yer outta there!] and being a typical drunken buffoon.

I was supposed to meet up with the IB [who i somehow have now christened "Mila" ] and sent him a text message...but a weird bermuda triangle like thing occurred to my cell and it simply just stopped working. I knew that he was at the Rose and Crown, so i decided to go there. I got there, and the door was locked [i have realised in the last few hours that its prolly cuz it was upwards of 2 am at this time...] so i just decided to go home.

I got a cab. The dude was acting all weird and asking me questions about whether i was married. I said no, but then managed to work Mila's name into every sentence after that. Then, the cabbie pulled into the back alley, stopped the car, and told me he wanted me to kiss him or he wouldnt let me out... i fucking freaked. He turned around and pulled my shirt up...and i kicked him [a front kick, thank you kickboxing] in the chest. I got out of the cab and was crying. Just so ya know, I called the cab company today and reported him. Im still contemplating calling the cops.

So last night, as i was crying these 2 guys and a girl came around the corner into the alley and asked if i was ok... i said yeah, and told them what happened. They asked if i wanted to call the cops, i said no. Then the one dude said "hey, wanna get stoned?".

So i went into this parking garage with these 3 people i didnt know [although they all introduced themselves and told me what their hopes and dreams were...so then i could say i "knew" them] to get baked. I ended up getting soooooo friggin baked. I was a gong show. I decided to walk home... although i was still a little freaked about the cabbie [and the drug paranoia was kicking in], so i found this big stick and carried it with me. People were actually pulling up next to me as i was walking and were yelling "Hey, nice stick!".

As i approached my place, the munchies set in. So i went to Subway in true shoegazer style to get a sammy. First, they were a little upset about the stick and made me leave it outside. :( Next, they werent too impressed that I ordered a sammy that wasnt on the menu [a BMT...very tasty!] and asked that they put "Every muthafuckin topping on it!!" [and yes, i said this about 5 times to the girl]. But i think the kicker [ of which i was actually ASKED to leave] was that my darling sandwich artist did not like Duran Duran and really truly did not like that i kept singing to her. [ who doesnt like Duran Duran? WTF? Especially 'New Moon on Monday' and 'Rio'?] I wonder if they have security tapes. I wonder if i could get my hands on it... i musta been a sight if i was kicked out of a 24 hr sandwich place.

I got home with my 'muthafuckin sandwich', called Mila to explain what had happened [and apparently, to sing to him], left myself a long dictaphone message about how i was so upset about everyone abandoning me [im a suck... although the funny thing being that i actually wasnt abandoned by Mila, he thought i abandoned him]and then dropped my muthafuckin sandwich on the floor. I guess i thought i was going to puke [maybe scarfing down a footlong sammich oozing with muthafuckin toppings had sumpin to do with it] as i discuss this with some concern on the dictaphone message.

Woke up today, naturally, still drunk. Was able to fix my phone. Had Mila call all concerned that he hadnt heard from me since around 11 pm the night before. And now, blogged it all for my adoring audience. With that, im now going to go clean up the 'muthafuckin toppings' off my floor and lay down. Seriously. No drinking tonite.

Voted out of the Tribe

Last night, went to Cowboys with the posse. It, of course because its Cowboys, sucked long and hard. But what made it worse... is that they fuggin abandoned me.

Is this the way it is? Just because im not lookin for randoms anymore that they will just jettison me when needed to pick up on their own? But, what actually makes it funnier, is once they ditched me, i met about 20 guys who all would had been choice meat for the girls.

Im "supposed" to go out with them again tonite...being that i havent heard from IB and what he wants to do. And Im supposed to go to Cowboys. Good Golly.

Wonder who will be left out on the proverbial ice floe tonite to prevent bringing down the rest of the tribe of little eskimoes.

not still drinkin...

still drunk.

ok, the IB had his christmas party last night and i got stupid drunk and, apparently, still am drunk.

so heres sumpin funny. one of his co-workers is actually someone that i met on the lava...and i never met in person cuz he kept talking about his penis all the time and it got a little old. even funnier, i was seated in between them at the dinner. even more funnier, he emailed me and asked if we could, basically, do it. not likely.

other things from last nite: laid into IB about the pining for the ex thing. all he had to say was "i told you about that". huh.

also interesting, my leg is totally scraped up. did i run into a wall? literally....did i RUN into a wall. its totally fucked up.

A story for Doyle...

While msn-ing with a former co-worker and kindred spirit last night, I referred to an embarrassing story which happened to me a few months ago [in what i would refer to the "bridesmaid period"]. It was hard to explain via msn, so here it is in full for Mr. Doyle...

A Tale of Two Roommates

Last February, while still messed up about the Dumbass situation, I spent a lot of time getting shmammerred with B Rabbit and her friend T. One night, we went to a house party at T's friend Mark's house. I think it was his birthday. Anyways, he introduced me to a friend of his, Burke, who not only used to be a male stripper, but was a former player in the NFL. He and i started talking and, while he was totally out of my range of picking up [seriuosly. the dude was hot.] he was a really cool dude.

As the night wore on, and after we had gone bar hopping... i realised that, yes, i was going to pick up. I think this is when he decided to show me and B his penis...just to prove that he was really hung. [and damn. yes, yes he was.] So we all go back to Mark's and i end up in a spare room with Burke and we did so very obviously. What made it more embarrassing, is that apparently we were very very loud and everyone listened.

Never saw Burke again... until i was invited to another house party at Mark's house. This was during the aforementioned "bridesmaid period" and i was always on the prowl [and how!]. I was a little embarrassed to see him, and Mark asked "hey do you know Burke [starts laughing] oh yeah, i guess you do." So i avoided Burke, and began to get very very very drunk. I started chatting with this other guy who was pretty cute but, moreover, not Burke. Well, as you may have guessed... ended up hooking up with Austin [aka "stripper name"]. At the time, i really didnt understand why it was soo funny to everyone why i was sucking face and later left with him.

He was Burke's roommate and, apparently, best friend.

Lets just say if Mark has another party soon...i shant be going. Can you imagine if i ran into them BOTH. What if they had another roommate? B rabbit actually asked me the next day if i knew that they were pals... uh, no. I wouldnt had done it then.

So there you are, Doyle. My embarrasing story that i didnt bother blogging about because i was being made fun of by everyone about picking up those 2 at 2 parties at Marks house. Friggin idiot that i am.

stoned post, the third: life math

Inner turmoil, plus motivation = get nipple rings stretched.
inner turmoil, plus external turmoil = get stoned.
get stoned, plus have internet = blog.

which is better than...

inner turmoil, plus internet = tell off myles.

I was like avoiding him all day while i was all upset about his recent professing of his love to his ex. He tried sending me messages and i logged off. He called twice and i didnt bother answering. He asked me to hang out with him tonite and i changed the topic.

fug. this is dumb. what am i gonna do? ive cried like 6 times today. its so much easier when the guys are just randoms: nobody gets attached, nobody gets hurt. both get sex.

ooh more life math...

like someone, plus damaged goods = sad.

do a random, plus have sex = happy....until you realise what they have made you into. then i guess it equals sad then too.

Goddamn it.

Remember last week how i was kinda stressed about the IB? Well, i just stumbled onto something that i wish i hadnt seen. Last week, he had been posting on club vibes that he was sad that his ex was gone forever and that she was the most perfect person he had ever met and would never be able to replace her.

Nice. Really fucking nice. And after posting all of that, he came over here and like a sucker i let him in and let him stay over. Is that all i am? Some sort of stupid suck who coddles him while he pines over someone else? Is that why i practically had to drag him to bed for sex and he has pushed me away every other time?

Why does this happen to me? How do i find these people? Am i being unduly harsh? I dont think so.

Weird Dreams

Did you ever have a dream that really weirded you out? To the point that you sit awake for like an hour after you have it and try to contemplate where in the depths of your psyche it came?

Last night: I was a psychotic serial killer who had absolutely no idea that i was killing everyone.

In my dream, i was sitting in this room that was all white and i was staring at this white statue that was telling me that i was the only one who could do the right thing and save everyone... i knew that this statue was an angel or some sort of heavenly creature. The room was familiar to me, in fact i think it was my friend Tanya's old place and it was the laundry room that i tripped out in on mushrooms five years ago.

Anyways, in my dream there were 4 other people (apparently my friends) who couldnt hear the angel talking but had come to tell me that they knew it was me and that they would turn me in if i didnt tell the cops. I said i didnt know what they were talking about, being that i had this overwhelming feeling of peace after talking to the angel... i felt ethereal. Then all these ghost like creatures appeared that only i could see. Immediately, i knew these ghosts were from people who had been killed by me.

I fell on my knees and as each ghost approached me, and I was able to remember the horrible way i killed each of them. One girl i burned alive. Another guy i sawed in half with an electric table saw... someone else i actually killed with my teeth. Each was worse than the last and there must had been at least 30 people. Finally, i rolled over on my side and screamed that it wasnt me that killed each person...but i knew i was lying. I asked the white angel statue how i was supposed to save everyone, and it told me that i had to kill myself to stop the killing.

At this point, as with most dreams i have these days that are a little creepy, i told myself to wake up. I was relieved to wake snuggling next to the IB cuz i was pretty freaked. I actually SAW myself ripping out someone's jugular with my teeth. I was wearing clothes that i own and some of the victims even looked familiar.

Weird, eh? Maybe i should start smoking again or something. Stuff like thats just pure fucked.

Frank the Tank returns...

Went to christmas party at Murray's... woke up on my bed wearing different clothes and snuggling my pony Gingie. Between the 2 events I managed to leave nasty messages to the IB, smash my cell and home phone, and have some horrible vendetta against my soup ladle.

The aftermath is that im super hungover, my cell doesnt look so pretty anymore [but does work] and my wall is completely bashed up from the aforementioned smashy smashy.

I havent woken up and had no idea how i got home, since the infamous golf tournament where i woke up and had Dumbass tell me that I had turned into Frank the Tank. No good whatsoever...

Furthermore, ow. My life hurts.

Dont drink and shop

Not only do you end up with a baad hangover [seriously, what is my issue with champagne and red wine?] but with a case of buyers remorse [did i really need the skinny pants?].

Still had a lot of fun, though. Me and Joe, Doig, and Shermy ended up sucking back the pints at the Broken City. I put on the aforementioned party pants and boogied away to some great music.

And the whole time i wondered if should call the IB. I was thinking about if we were to a point where i had to check in to prevent him worrying...then i worried that i would seem too clingy...then i thought id want him to call me if he was in the same situation... then i decided to be a guy and not call. I kept checking with the boys if i was making a mistake in deciding this and they assured me that i wasnt. Still, i sent him an email to let him know that i was thinking about him. I may try to be tough, but sometimes im still a total girl.

Now im going to go lay down and rest. Both my brain and wallet need to take a breather.

Crap.

Hmmm. Yknow how whenever something good happens to me and i think that maybe things will turn up for a change? And then i realise that no, something crappy will start to happen? Yeah. Its starting.

I think that IB got some serious issues. He told me a few times that it wont really affect me [and he still talks about "us" in the future, and is as smootchie and lovey as before] but also stated that he maybe "wasnt ready" for me and was "sorry he brought me into this".

I know its more likely the fact that his life isnt as good as it was before rather than pining for his ex. I think its the nostalgia of what he was living before as compared to now... although he has said that im definately a high point in his life.

I dont know what to do. How many guys do i have to nurse back to relationship health? I did it for Kelly, Ian, and Mark. It worked for Kel [maybe too well], left Ian pretty much in the same place i found him in when i left, and did nothing to Mark and made him return to what i was trying to save him from. When i say "save" i mean i act all understanding and sweet, dont judge when they bark out about things i never did, make them feel better about being with someone. Im tired of saving people.

Yesterday, before he asked if he could come over, I decided that i was going to walk. Hes wonderful and amazing... but i dont know if i can put myself back in the hole for someone. And whenever i break up with someone i say ill never go thru all this again.

Guess ill wait it out, like i always do. The crap just keeps coming back.

Another bad tale from the dark tower...

Just found out one of the kids got canned by the old job. Fark. Makes me feel sad...and kinda glad that i got canned when i did instead of now. Like him, i woulda assumed that there would be a bit of job security with getting hired back and, like him, woulda bought a few big ticket items, like a car or a condo.

And they told him that while they all really liked him, he just didnt "fit" into the department. Again, a little fishy. Appears that they either use the same line on everyone, or that they really have no idea when it comes to hiring.

On the upside, it gives me someone to play with during the day. Well get to play together just like when we were both miserable at the firm and hoping that something good someday may happen to us...

Everything else is good. Im bored from not having any studying to do, and am trying not to use my free time to delve into my great insecurities. The rain cloud is gone. I have to accept that im allowed to live without it and actually allow myself to be happy.

Somebody Dance with Me!!

Ok. So its official. My name is Juicy, and Im a Twin Peaks junkie.

Over the last few days, me and the IB have watched all episodes, the pilot, and the movie. And now... ive seen it all...i know about the black lodge, the white lodge, the one armed man, BOB.... yeah. im a junkie. And now, after gettin me good and hooked, its all over. No more. its done. And they left me with so many many questions. How did Leo get out after Windom Earl left him in such a unsavoury manner? Did Ben actually stay sane or will some other battle be recreated in his cwazy mind? After Audrey and Pete died so suddenly at the end, what comes next? Did James come back? Did Donna keep meddling? Dont even get me started on Cooper being Bob... Yeah. Like i said, obsessed. And the title is a reference to when Leland goes nuttsy and starts dancing with himself and screaming.

Prolly the best part is that every guy ive ever been serious with has totally been into twin peaks, yet this is the first time ive actually seen it. Strange. There are too many twin peaks-ish coincidences between me and the IB. Lotsa good things that hes into that i am too. [And the first boy ive met that likes tiny dogs.] Its weird cuz i used to think that about Dumbass too, that we had a lot of things in common... too many things that he and i would talk about where the answer would be "me too". Which doesnt neccessarily mean that things are likely to go to shit with this one...i am trying to be more positive and trusting. I, of course, have phobias already, but im trying to let them slide. I hate "waiting" for shit to happen.

So status report for the post exam period: not letting myself think that things will go bad with the IB, thinking that i will pass the exams this time, will find a job, and that there will be a next generation of Twin Peaks. [and someone will dance with poor Leland]

Done!!!

what else to say? and yeah, im a little trashed right now.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....

one exam remains in the marathon 2 weeks of exams. golly. what am i going to do when i dont have any studying left to do? did i actually pass this time? it sure feels like it. and im not an optimist.

other stuff is going well. yes, im talkin bout IB. he came over yesterday [after skipping work due to excessive hangover]and we spent the day in a twin peaks marathon. not only am i now addicted to the show [im just short of carrying around a log all day and waiting for the giant to tell me clues as to who killed laura palmer..] im also quite addicted to the boy. i was doing my geisha routine and taking care of him, bringing him pillows, glasses of water, making him dinner and rubbing his tummy...and he really liked it. He kept saying he was going to have to pamper me some day soon in return. Hes also slept over 4 out of 6 nights. And no, we havent done that yet. its funny that originally we planned to meet tomorrow for the first time...im so glad we couldnt wait. hes the best.

am i annoying yet? ha. tough.

until then, gotta read the family law [and think about the case scenarios in reference to characters in twin peaks: would pete receive adequate compensation if he and catherine divorced? would shelly and leo benefit from arbitration to prevent the power imbalance?]. run to the light, juicy, run to the light...

2 more left!/ Im not in love....

really didnt know whether the title shud be about the fact that i only have 2 more exams left.... or the fact that im seriously falling for the IB. both are pretty big. especially when reading about my last month of debauchery and constant paraoia about these exams.

not much else is goin down. just study write flirt make out sleep, repeat.

a quick update as i approach week 2 of Hell

1. corporate law tomorrow-- think i may actually understand taxes for the first time ever.

2. Miss Mo's bday was awesome. Everything worked out well and she was absolutely touched. She made me cry cuz she said that our trip was one of the best times of her life. Lotsa people dressed up and we literally owned the Tropicana. And the buck hunter was fun, mostly cuz internet boy was there...

3. Which brings me to the topic of IB... things are awesome and hes the greatest. My friends like him and he is an absolute blast to party with. He spent the last 2 nights here and i kept to my rules for dating and havent increased the magic, yet. But everything else couldnt be better.

4. Im sleepy. Gotta motor.

50% done...and in lava like

so i survived real estate. it was prolly the first time that i came out of that exam [of the last 3 times] and wasnt in tears. still think i fuggered up the math, but the rest seemed ok. wills was today and went relatively well.

the big story, however, is that i finally met internet boy...

on wednesday we were chatting about the normal silly things we talk about, and he said "hey, lets go for beer and wings" and being that i like both [and really did want to see if he lived up to his hype] i said yes. i was downright nervous about finally seeing him. i wanted him to be like how i pictured him. and wanted him to have as much fun with me in person as we did online.

so, when i walked out my door i saw him and said damn. he looked like i imagined... and later, he was just as fun and wonderful as i expected. and he was as smitten and swooning as much as me.... o[in fact im on line with him right now] our date was prolly as funny as could be: we adopted these norweigans and this drunk dude named bill.

well, still have studying to do. not gonna lose my focus. but when i need a study break, i sure have a good time.

scheduled study break update

hi

still studying. not much else going down. spent time freaking out about missing every single question in the litigation exam...then reassurring myself that i didnt...then wondering if i did enough to pass...blah blah blah.

real estate tomorrow. think i may understand [finally] the concepts behind trust conditions and adjustment date. still worried about the math. always the friggin math.

also spending time e-flirting. someone met on the lava and seems to have a lot going for him and is damned cute. trying not to let myself think that there may be anything there until 1. i actually meet him; and, 2. he meets me. Ive been swooned on the internet before and then dissapointed later. And also, worried that if he is as great as he seems, will he be interested in me? Gawd. I fret about the silliest things.

ok. and now its time to return to studying. will let ya know how all the above concerns work out at another scheduled study break...

Yippee!

Its not the 19th anymore. And wont be for another year.

I woke up today and felt anew...like it was the first day of the rest of my life. Hope the little black rain cloud enjoys his new home. Wait, no i dont. Aw, shucks, sure i do. He gave me a good fight and i shook hands with him last night at 11:59 and said "Good game, buddy. Good game". [Dont worry, i AM an uber pessimist... and im sure bad shite will start happening again soon.]

Other than that...Studied today. Kickboxed. Studied some more. Had a nappytime. Studied. Later today, i plan to study, E-flirt on MSN, and then maybe finish up with some studying.

Study for now,

Study Studderson.
Resident Studier.

Fuck.

Its November 19. I hate November 19.

Paranoia, Paranoia

...everyone is coming to get me...

So ive been pretty paranoid about a bunch of really weird things. Guess it may be the "im living in an unreal world where all i really have to do each day is get up shower and watch TV" and not much of what i do has permanence of any type. I rent an apartment, i have no job, no boyfriend [or guy i see more than 2 nights in a row], and no real expenses. I dont know whats happening from day to day.

And these are the things that ive been phreaking out about lately:
- running out of money and not being able to pay my rent or bills.
- not passing these exams.
- never finding another law job.
- finding another law job and hating it even more than my last.
- losing my Employment Insurance coverage.
- falling down and breaking other teeth.
- that im getting fat.
- that my face is getting saggy.
- that i have Herpes, HPV, Aids, or Chalmydia.
- being pregnant and not knowing who the father is.

Im not going to say which ones affect me/ are affecting me the most, but I think its the whole exam thing right now that is fucking me up...and making me think 'oh fuck im poor' or 'crap, i know im preggers'. Damn. And no wonder i think ill lose my teeth, ive been grinding them like crazy in my sleep.

...The agony and the irony, they're killing me...

Top 10 signs you and your friends had too much to drink in Canmore...

1. The next day, I sound like a chain smoker.
2. I think throwing ice is logical thing to do when people have ice in their drinks.
3. I make fun of someone with a disability (i.e. only having one leg) and think it is hilarious. [and create a dance about it]
4. I run my fingers through a hairy chest at the bar.
5. I make out with a 19 year old tourist until the bouncer tells me to get a room so I bring him home and he takes pictures off my balcony and when I drop him off the next day, he throws his hands up in victory for his buddies.
6. Taking pictures of guys with mullets is necessity.
7. I try to pick up people by performing wrestling moves on their buddies in the entrance way.
8. I think its a good idea to pole dance on the lightpost in front of the bar.
9. The band is there for me to hit on and subsequently make out with between sets.
10. [and my personal fave] Leaving messages on people's cell phones at 445 in the morning which begin "So im at some "random's" house..."

Thanks to Birch, Mo, Nicole, Christa, Erin, Jen, and Virginia for the above material. Yah, it was a pretty good time. I was the one who made out with the band guy [his name was Shawn, so cute and tiny] but subsequently increased my magic later in the evening with some other guy. [or as birchie would say "some random".]

Study study study, thats all i am going to do now. Oh, and kickbox. And watch Dr. Phil [naturally...]

Today's view from the loveseat...

The title refers to the fact that my "desk" consists of this little table i stole from the U of A Residence in 1996 set against my love seat. Today is a day of reflection...a mental health post, if you will.

First, I was reading the last few months of posts and figured i shud change the name of the blog o rama to "the intersection of drinking and fucking"...cuz thats pretty much all i do now. I guess its better than the posts in August which could be called "the intersection of whining and feeling bad for myself".

So whats the real reason ive been bloggin? I mentioned once before its because im bored, which is partially correct. But, mostly, its cuz looking for "good" things to write about when im feeling crappy makes me feel better. And then, i like to reflect on the shitty things later on and think, 'hey, i made it thru that and now im ok'. Like i was pretty down when i was unemployed, failed the bar exams, and got kicked in the face by marco... and now im pretty ok with all of those.

Maybe down the road ill read all the party posts and think "hey, i sure had a lot of fun back then considering things werent that great". And also im thinking of how i was doing at this time last year, and think "i DESERVE to have fun right now".

What happened a year ago? Well, if you are one of the 11 people who know what happened, you prolly understand why im not saying what it is. Lets just say it was something that really fucked me up and i pretty much blame for a lot of my depression and bad behaviour for the last year. And in a week and a half, I like to think that my year of bad luck and general shit will be over.

So right now, the intersection is full of parties and boys...maybe soon it will be full of employment and relationships. And if not, at least ill be able to look at this post and think "well at least im trying to get my shite together". The view from the loveseat is really quite comfy and promising.

How adults party.

This week on the Bridesmaids Chronicles: sitting in a hot tub in Banff while topless.

This saturday was the much anticipated girl's party weekend to Banff. It, naturally, started with most of us nursing hangovers. B rabbit and EL had to get home from the party house first...

We started pretty low key. Shopping, having some glasses of wine and doing each others makeup and hair. Then we hit the Rose and Crown and had more drinkies. Well, fuck. The whole town was full of 30 yr olds who took part in the Winterstart Road Race [ 3 of the posse among them] and most of the yuppies were at the R and C. So we got the fuck outta dodge and went to the Dance club, the Aurora.

And then the party went nuts. We all started drinking Red Bull and Vodka and doing shooters. Then we all started speaker dancing and grinding with random boys. I began telling people that i was in the running for "Canada's Next Top Model" and began doing my runway walk for random people. We started attracting groups of [mostly english and aussie] boys. Debauchery, debauchery, and even more debauchery.

When the Aurora closed, we went for pizza and ran into Unlce Randy and his posse. Apparently they were staying in "the presidential suite" [serious. it said that on the door on a gold plaque] and had an outdoor hot tub. Me and Miss M and B rabbit decided to go back there.

The plan was, we wear our bras and panties in there. Stay for a few drinks and then leave. Instead, we ended up in a game of "scattegories" where if you lost, you lost some clothes...and once you ran out of clothes, you had to make a nekkid lap around the deck. Actually, the guys all got naked and started um, posing their black junk for us before the game started...

Well, no, I never got naked, but was topless for a while. And none of us did the run. The worst [and funniest thing] was that whenever we balked about the nudity we were told that "we are all adults here. and this is how adults party." Ummm. Adults who are in junior high. The party ended when the girlfriend of one of the naked guys freaked out and B thought she was going to get her ass kicked. [side note: who the fuck would let their bf get naked with a bunch of people and run around? especially with other girls? fuck!]

Us bridesmaids went for breakfast [it was now 7 am] and then went to sleep for a couple of hours before leaving. The breakfast convos: Are we ho-bags? Why did they keep posing their dicks at us? Was the guy with the girlfriend hitting on you too? All i know, if thats how adults party, i may go back to partying like a kid again for the next while.

Some advice from Dr. Phil

Dr Phil's topic on Friday kinda hit a nerve. Or, more correctly, my funny bone. The topic? "How do you look when you drink?" And lemme tell you, me and the posse coulda been the stars of the show.

Basically, the whole show was film footage of mid to late 20 year olds getting drunk and puking, making out with people, getting rowdy, and dancing. And i watched it saying "Hey that looks like X...and thats totally Y!". Too funny. But i think the message was totally lost on me. After watching the show, I went and did Dr Phil's quiz on "Do you have a drinking problem?". I took the quiz and got 11 out of 20. This is what the good doctor had to say to that...

According to the Office of Health Care Programs at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, if you answered as few as three of these questions with a Yes it is a definite sign that your drinking patterns are harmful and considered alcohol dependent or alcoholic. If you answered Yes to three or more of these questions, you should consider seeking an evaluation by a healthcare professional.

Screw you. Seriously? Three? I bet all my friends will score waaay above that.

Well, not to ignore the advice of the good doctor, went to a house party that night...and ended up doing all of the stuff he was villifying. Drinkin, pukin, and pickin up. [yes, the number went up again...damn!] And my posse was about the same.

Im sure the advice of Dr Phil was well meaning, but I know that my behaviour is bad, im not denying it...i just really like it. And i know that the first step of any problem is admit it. Ok, got that done. Thats good for me.

Im Afraid of Americans

Okay, first, lemme say that ive been trying to blog for the last couplea days and i havent been able to get on. So there. This time, it aint ma fault that i havent blogged.

So, as you can guess by the title, I wasnt that impressed with the results of the election of our neighbours to the south. Okay, i am the biggest left leaning socialist prolly ever, so thats prolly reason numero one why i wasnt impressed. But love or hate "W", and i really think hes just a big dork, im more stressed about the ramifications of his reelection.

Two issues: Gay marriage and Abortion. Two things that will be likely barred because of the onslaught of right wing fundamentalists with their fucking "family values" and "good church people" motherfucking mentality. The same fuckings cunts who are pro death penalty and think that if they kiss ass to the right fucking god they will be righteous and good... [ok. must stop now, getting angry and want to keep myself from throwing computer in rage...]

[calm music inset here]
[enter pink happy flowers]
[breathe, juicy.]

Anyways, where was i? Right. So why would a Canuck like myself be so angry about an election in which i had no vote or say? Cuz of the political ramifications in the US which will likely effect politics in the world. And lemme say, the US better not try to affect the politics in Canadaland. Like putting more [see cows that arent allowed across the border] trade barriers on Canada becuz of our acceptance of a womans choice over her own body, rather than what some asshole in a church says [Easy, girl]. Or if we start trying to appease the US by also banning reproductive and sexual rights. That just isnt good. And I will do what i can to prevent it. Seriously. I will.

And really, dont get me started on the suggestion of a death penalty in Canada. Im waaay too agitated right now to start on that soap box.

So, maybe all that will come out ole W's reelection is more funny jokes on the Daily Show and more fodder for commercials on why we Canuckleheads dont wanna be americans. And believe me, laughing about the US is alot more fun than being afraid of what they may do next...or cause next in our own front yard.

The Bridesmaids Chronicles

Yesterday I met with my co-bridesmaids to debrief on our separate experiences. Well, not to brag, but it sounds like i had the best evening. My fellow scoring sister ended up picking up a goth/punk/emo guy with a giant tattoo of an alien on his back and goblin on his arm. Not really her cup of tea...but i had to admit, he was a pretty cute guy. It actually made us laugh that both of us picked up tattooed boys with minimum wage jobs [hers = Safeway; mine = Kelseys] at the same party. There was also a lot of amusement over the fact that at the party someone referred to us as "drugged up strippers...who are actually lawyers!" Fuck thats funny.

As for she who went home, she was dissapointed at herself that she left so early [and missed the opportunity to score with a hot poor guy]becuz of a jerky guy who treated her like crap. But he did treat her like crap and deserves to have his ass kicked. [Mental Note: next kickboxing class is tomorrow]

The next edition of the Bridesmaids Chronicles will take place next Saturday when the 3 of us [and 5 other would be Attendants] along with Uncle Randy will be visiting Banff for fun, frolicking, and [perhaps] fucking. We were laughing that the pink dresses of doom may need to be brought out again soon.

Other than that, spent the last 4 hours reading about family law. Took a break to watch Dr. Phil. Today's topic? Divorce and child care after separation. Fuck.

Doin what Bridesmaids do best...

Happy Happy Pumpkin Day. And, like every normal person, i celebrate the 'ween by wearing a costume and then getting really ripped and then getting laid.

Last night B Rabbit, Miss Mo [aka Krystal and Lori] and myself dressed in heinous 80s bridesmaids dresses, crimped our hair, and made carnation and babysbreath bouquets and went as drunk bridesmaids. Too funny. And if there is anything everyone knows, when you're wearing a horrible dress, ya wanna get it off as soon as possible. And its even better if you have someone to take it off for you... [and it happend to 2/3 of us last night...]

We literally spent all friggin day looking for 3 dresses horrible enough for our costumes [and that were under $90...seriously, does le chateau think someone will spend that on those horrible purple things? and whats the deal with the fucking rental place?] along with our pretty pearls and satin gloves. It took us about an hour to get ready and become pink and purple goddesses. Uncle Randy [Adam] was gettin a little annoyed with us.

We started at T Mac's party, which was fun...for a while. Then a certain person was a total dick to one of the 'Maids and pissed her off. Which made her start acting like a total dick and she inferred that i was a slut and that people "like me" were responsible for why she cant meet a guy. Yeah, she was wasted. Im not too hurt by it. And i guess i showed her!!! Ha Ha.

Anyways the remaining 2 of us went to a party in the middle of frickin nowhere with Uncle Randy. It was being held by Fine Arts students and it was pretty cool. There was a DJ and a dance floor and a Tipi with lights on it. Oh, and there was a bartender too. Which brings me to the best part of the story....

As i got drunker [and noted that B was hittin on a really cute artsy guy] i realised that the bartender was super super cute and decided i would hit on him. So basically i said Hi, introduced myself...and approx. 60 seconds later started making out with him. His name is Mike [and hes a Saskie!] Totally adorable and he had a bunch of tattoos, which was refreshing for a change. It took an hour to get the hell out of there and i could put that loverly dress in the best place ever...on the floor of my bedroom.

Waking up this morning i was pretty amused by the fact that i picked up with crimped hair and with purple eyeshadow on. Perhaps i should try it again some time. I could handle taking home more bartenders. Kinda suits me too, being that i drink so much. Maybe thats why im always a bridesmaid and never the bride...Sigh.

kickin it

Remember my stoned rant about working out? well, i did it. Yesterday was my first kickboxing class. Yeah, i know. I actually did it.

And, not to be smartassed, but it totally kicked my ass. I actually started hyperventilating in the middle of it. And another time, I was pretty sure that I was going to puke all over the mat. Fuck. I dont know if its that intense [possibly] or if im that out of shape [more likely].

Today, im pretty achy...but not as bad as i assumed i would be. I actually considered taking another one today. After i sign up, i can take any class they offer at the gym in a bunch of other crazy things too. Maybe this will drastically cut down on all the masterbating ive been doing lately. Whoa. Thats a different story althogether... [but i guess it explains why i havent been blogging much lately.]

Speaking of which, i do plan on blogging more. Guess that means ill have to find more interesting things to do than just watch tv and [erm] jack off. yeah, uh. im going to go practice my kicks...

Third times a charm?

I got the confirmation today that i will be writing 6 exams between November 22 to December 02. Yeah, thats alot in a short period of time. Fuck. I better pass this time. I couldnt handle doing this again...

Another stoned post: healthy livin'

So i dont know if youve noticed [and if not, yer an asshole] but ive been trying to manage my weight lately. I dont say "lose weight" cuz then id have a billion people say "ooooh. you have an eating disorder" or "you dont need to lose weight". well poo. Anyways, so im trying to eat better and more regular and like, not gorge out on fried chicken anymore.

Well, shit. Im starting to wonder if i always ate as much as i do now...or if i just ate less regularily and ate more at each sitting. Like last year, i wouldnt eat breakky...but then would be starved at lunch and eat lots....then eat again around 4-ish...and then again after 9pm. And tons of coffee the whole time.

Now i try to eat something at around 1100 am, then something again around 200, then again at 530-600ish, and again at 800. Usually the thingys at 11 and 2 are diet shakes and soup, and the 800 is usually a granola bar. So is this better for me? Am i actually losing weight or eating more? And then there are the pot or PMS or liquor induced binges....

Anyways. I think i need to try exercising. Fuck im serious. And if there is anything, i repeat ANYTHING, that people should know about me its that i dont exercise. Maybe if i find something fun [like the dancing. i liked the dancing.] i would do that.

So whats the story on the healthy livin? Well, Im not having the kahlua mudslides anymore [see: diahhrea, extreme daily case of] and i dont nearly get so bloaty. And i dont feel gross when im nekkid. Basically, I remember how i felt in my body 2 years ago...and i want that back. So far so good with the healthy livin.

Ok. Im done.

Breakin up is hard to do...then it really gets bad

Meeting up with the ex again. Never a good time, especially when you are specifically trying to avoid him. Friday night we made the decision [ read as: I said straight out I wasn’t going there..] to go to Lucky instead of the Mercury becuz I heard that Marco was spinning there. And instead, within walking in the front door of the Lucky [as noted by the tell tale Hall and Oates playing] I knew I chose the wrong bar. Sure enough, there he was. In total Marco glory. The boy that pushed me away…so far away I ended up in Central America.

Of course, it begins with the obligatory “I don’t see you, you don’t see me”…until it becomes almost painful for both parties and someone has to pick an approach. He kept spinning and I switched seats so I wouldn’t have to face him. I even sent other people to get drinks. However, when his shift was done, he came down and said it was nice to see me. I have word from the posse that once he went back up, he kept staring at me, too.

Now there are two camps when it comes to running into your ex: 1. Be an ass; and, 2. Be civil. I usually follow #1 to the letter… to the point of throwing shit and causing big scenes. However, with M, I have followed the latter. Im not sure why. Maybe im maturing [unlikely] maybe cuz I think there is a chance of getting back together [even less likely], or maybe I just really have no reason to be pissy with him. Honestly, when we broke up [see earlier posts for evidence] I wasn’t that big on him and wasn’t that sure that I wanted it to work out.

So whats it like follow the “bigger person” route? It sucks. Absolutely. Its way way more painful than the asshole route and not nearly as fun. And to make it worse, drunky drunkerson here called him when she was walking home. And ever worser [is that a word?], it was like we never split up. Like it was the next day after we broke up… that I never went to Belize… that I hadnt slept with a few guys and made out with even more. Totally shit. I hate running into exes. Maybe that’s why I really get into long distance relationships—I know that when they end [at usually the 2-3 month stage] I wont have to worry about casually running into them and having to specifically avoid where they may be.

Fuck. I thought it was hard dating people, splitting up is even worse.

Another interesting evening with yours truly...

Last night...red bulls and double vodka. And boys. Silly me and boys. After making out with a really rich short guy who always makes me laugh, but for some reason can never remember my name... i decided to continue my evening by almost being a homewrecker.

Nic's friend from out of town was partying with us...and yeah, my first thought was "hes a cutie". Then we started chatting and realised that he went thru all the same shit i did last year. He failed the bar course and had to redo everything. And he went to belize last year. And he lives in Vancouver and loves all the same bars that i did [naturally...see: Vancouver, Obsession of Boys from].So we chatted as everyone got increasingly drunker... then i started flirting with RSG... then went outside with RSG and we made out.

After making out with RSG, we went back to Nic's bf's house and started drinking beers and watching infomercials. It was weird cuz at first i was just talking to RSG, then i started chatting with Van again. Then i sat on the arm of his chair...then he put his arm around me.... After flirting some more, I decided to suggest that we leave and go back to mine. He said ok. Im being vague, but it was pretty obvious that he was totally into me.

He went to the bathroom, and i decided that i better approach Nic with this. She had earlier in the evening made a comment that he was off limit cuz he lives with his girlfriend. So, I told her i was leaving...and i wasnt going home alone. She said "no way. im not comfortable with this". So, i really had no choice but do nothing. Except i tried again. Her bf was funny cuz he was all "what happens in calgary, stays in calgary..." She was upset, not mad, but upset... and i went home alone.

When i woke up today with a killer hangover [at 200] i also had killer guilt. Not becuz i ditched RSG, not that i almost was a homewrecker, but that i may had pissed off Nic. I was almost sick over it. Im not in the best of supply of friends lately and really dont need to lose someone im close with over a boy. I called her, and she was fine. She was almost apologetic about it and made a big deal saying that he really really really wanted to come over and couldnt believe how well we hit it off. She actually said we had an 'instant connection', which makes me happy [ better that than thinking im a harsh whore].

After me being such a 'guy' last week with the piece on thursday [crap. even writing that was harsh.] i wonder whats wrong with me. Im going to get in trouble, with all this struttin around... trouble in that i may find myself without friends and with a really big magic number. Another interesting night to be blogged.

Part II: And then there was Funk....

Place: Decidedly Jazz Danceworks
Time: 600- 730
Price: 17 [ plus 3 for membership]
People: "Bonita Applebum" [Rose], "Lil J" [Joy] and "Juicy A" [das me]
Music: Funktastic

The class was bigger, bouncier, and more "street". Sadly, there were more 'dancy' people there, ya know what i mean, right?. This one chick kept asking "where do i place my arms?" and "is this a half or quarter turn?". Fug i hate those types. But the good thing was that the answers were always "Well, whatever you feel like".

Whereas the FH seemed like a video shoot for J Lo or Puff Daddy, this was more likely what i could see myself trying at a club. The moves we were taught could be taken out of the context of the routines..which was good. And the instructor was pretty good. She was a funky chick.

I felt I learned more and [better] at the the other place...but then its hard to actually compare them cuz one was hip hop and, unbeknownst to us, this was funk night. However, like yesterday, i might not be the best dancer, but i prolly had the most fun in the dancing.

Hippity Hip Hop: Part I [aka, Am I a B-girl now?]

The Place: Freehouse Dance
Time: 830-930
The Cost: 16.00
The Person: Juicy A
The Music: Hip Hop Hooray

It was clear that everyone there was there to have fun or maybe just learn how to get a little more funky on tha floor. No one was a super star or a diva. There were all sorts of people there...a guy with the same left/right foot problem as yours truly...an older asian lady who [DAMN!] had rhythm...a really flexible girl who practically fell into the splits when she stretched...and a unco-ordinated white girl who really doesnt like hip hop music [thats me].

The instructor was great, she told me to "Fake it til you can Make it" and laughed when i kinda bounced when i didnt know what to do. She even did a little commercial for 2 hip hop events [!?! Shows? huh?] which are coming to Calgary. I thought that was pretty cool, if you really wanted to see this stuff in the flesh.

The dancing started with a little groovy step jump type thing [dont ya love my technical language?] and if you ever find yourself in a hip hop dance class, especially one that is in week 5 of 8, try not to be put at the front of the line to go first. Cuz i was and it was quite clear that i had noooo idea what i was doing. I was told that i was doing pretty good for someone who had never danced before in that class [lets not tell them that even if i had been there since the beginning, i woulda been equally as bad] I figured that it was more important to just land the poses and walk in the same direction as everyone else instead of, oh i dont know, learning the steps to the beat. But i know i picked up a majority of the steps of all the dances pretty quickly and i actually wasnt the worst there.

I even learned how to "Pop and Lock" [a dance called "the Scooby Doo"]apparently created by some dude in California named Campbell. It was kinda easy when ya did it slow, but looked goofy...It really looked cool when it was sped up, but it was damned ass hard once that music started.

So, what did i think? It was $16.00 for the hour, and i had a lot of fun. Id recommend taking the whole class [as opposed to a drop in] if you actually plan to try this at the clubs any time soon...i think id look pretty funny if uncoordinated white girl started poppin and lockin at the Cherry Lounge. But id nail those poses.

The Problem with Multiples..

Just got back from E town seeing the fam. Wasnt that exciting, told everyone about the old fail o rama, bull shitted about looking for employment, and ate a lot.

Also had an interesting Saturday night. Me, the sis, her hubby, and some of their friends went to the Spruce Grove bar the "whiskey". It was the scene of a lot of my debauchery when i was 18 [it was called "Taps" then]. Apparently its still the spot for sinners in the Grove. We all ended up getting super drunk [i was feeding the girls Sour Jacks] and then some weird stuff started happening. Two of the couples started acting odd... they basically had "swapped" and were flirting with the other's half. As the drinks continued, the truth came out to yours truly.

A few months ago there had likewise been a lot of drinking and flirting at the whiskey. And the 2 couples [one being married, the other currently building a house together] had a little menage a quatre. Yeah, they swapped. And tonight, 2 of the people wanted it again, and the other 2 did not. KaBooM!!! Drama began. Crying, hurt feelings...yeah, full out Melrose Place/OC/ whatever other fucking drama show is on, i dunno. One chick ran off, the other guy was all pissy, the other 2 were sitting there trying to calm everyone down. I just sat there...and thought "this is exactly why some people shouldnt do this shit".

I mean. Ok. Im no phreaking angel. I may or may not [or may] have had an orgy in my past. But if there is one thing i have always thought, its that if there is a multiple of more than 2 people...then there should NOT be couples. Why? Cuz there will always be hurt feelings. Always. As soon as someone is there to possibly steal some thunder, they probably will...or someone will think they are trying.

Now the unmarried couples are on the rocks, the married couple are all nervous about it, and i really wonder if the 2 couples will stay friends. When will vanilla people learn that if they cant learn the rules of playing spicy, they shouldnt even try.

Well Meaning Sex

yup. increased the number last night. more magical than before. No. Im not telling you who...but it was someone that ive been meaning to have sex with for a while. [hence the title]

I gotta admit, i wasnt very good last night. I was super super drunk. It was T mac's barcall and all the posse was out and in full force. As per usual, i was stupid and had champagne and red wine. But it was good red wine and Dom Perignon. I was a total suck and told him that i really liked him...and that i was sad that we had never hooked up before. Im such a dork, cuz I totally played him. That boy never knew what hit him. Hurricane Lola knocked him on his ass and did her business.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself. And then...it happened. I ran into Marco. And we talked. And he touched my arm. And i melted. Now im totally down and the wind has been knocked out of Hurricane Lola's sails. I never realised how much i missed that little dork until i saw him. So much so that ive went from thinking i was a sex goddess to wanting to lay on my couch and cry.

The Bachelorette: X Rated

Had a date on Monday. It was usual date fare: I ate sushi, talked a lot, got wasted, and then had a heavy make out session. I think Id consider a date a failure if we didnt...which is prolly why i shoulda run from Marco at the outset. [ We didnt kiss for about 5 dates...sex took 3 weeks!!!]

Basically, it made me realise that im prolly ready to serial date again. You know, when I date 3 or 4 guys at once and eventually pick one [and, might i add, usually the wrong one].

Last night i had a foray into the sordid world of reality TV, I watched the Bachelor...and thought, hey! this might be a good idea. Of course, I couldnt handle a bunch of dapper dudes in tuxedos, I rather would hand pick my suitors [ suitors..like im friggin Scarlett O Hara here]:

1. Dave Mirra [duh]
2. Zak Braff
3. Scott Weiland
4. Jimmy Fallon
5-11. Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius, Dave England, Ehren McGheney, Steve-O, hell, even Jason Acuna... all of Jackass fame.
12. Both the guys from Y Tu Mama Tambien. Mmmmm. Mexican.
14. Don McKellar [yummy]
15. Ewen McGregor
16. Ian. Yeah, I know I know. But i think he'd have a lot of fun in this house.
17. The guys from Sum 41. Piss off Avril Lavigne, I want a shot at Dizzy D,too. Although i think Steve 32 would be the one id pick...maybe the whole looking like Ian thing...

Wow. I still have soo many left. Not that it matters. I think Id pick number 1 on the list. And just have a lot of fun with the other 29. Actually, I think this show wouldnt make it on the networks. Too much nudity, drinking, and drug taking. It would be like a big orgy 24-7. Hmmm. Maybe i should suggest this to the playboy channel.

Whats funny is that i never thought i had crushes on celebrities...except Miracle Boy, of course. And i filled up the list pretty darn quickly. Wow. Im a hornball.

Its Magic.

A convo on Friday night with Ms. B Rabbit made me think about my magic number. She was bored one day and decided to make a list to see if she could rememeber everyone on her list and determine her magic number.

So, whats a magic number? Ha ha. Umm. Its the number of people you've slept with. Not really that magical. Me and Lu useda call it the "whore number"...and decided that after 10 you were immediately a whore. I made short work of getting to 10 in law school and my sister gave me her additional 9 [ her hubby being the 1st and only on her list]. Blew through that, too. At that time i changed it to being the "magic number" and decided that it was like Dungeons and Dragons [and no, ive never actually played D & D and all i know about it is from TV] and the higher your magic number, the more powerful you are. From more of a bad thing that you say quietly and to only the best friends, to something that you say like your age or height. Its just a number...but with magic.

Im getting pretty powerful. No. Im not telling you the number.

But i did take a few moments to jot down the names [or alias' of these guys... such as "Brad of Australia" and "California".] for my own reference. No. Im not telling you their names. Can you imagine if someone Google-d themselves or their boyfriend/son/brother and saw them on there?

So whats the point of this post? I dont really know, do i need a point? I dont think so. I think its maybe cuz the fact that i look at my promiscuity as a positive attribute, rather than something to be scorned, that i can keep on truckin, as it is. I wont be gettin to a nunnery any time soon. Not with so much magic in me and with so much more magic to come.

All Hail Princess Hangover

As you may have guessed, I got a little wasted last night. On red wine, which never makes me feel that shit hot the next day. It was the return of Miss M last night from Toronto, so we had a lot of hijinks to get out of our system. Beyond the regular stupidity we had M calling random people pretending to be an angry "Chinese" [her already bad accent actually got worse as time went on] delivery man with a pizza with escargots and squid on it who couldnt get into their apartment building. I was sending drunken emails [ Kester loved his and already responded]. N was worried that her honeybaby was mad at her.

The we went out and proceeded to insult a guy with a prosthetic leg, drink some shooters, and lose some important documents. Always a party.

When i came home I went online and was attempting to blog the messages that people were leaving on the Lavalife phone chat line. Apparently i decided to not post it or save it. Cause its gone. Damn. They were really funny too. Something about one dude wanting to be fucked with a strap on. Another east Indian guy wanted to train submissives, if only they have large tits. Pregnant women could also apply. Another couple was shopping for a 3rd for a 3 way. Some dude said hed only fuck women...he had his pride.

This morning my phone wouldnt stop ringing...i totally forgot M had used my phone for some of the chinese food calls. I guess not everyone thought it was funny. As the 3 of us were totally hung, it only made sense for them to blow off work and for us to go for greasy food. And, as the 3 of us were totally hung, we followed this up with going for Caesars. At Kelsey's in Westhills. Thus began the very famous plan...

-----------------------------------------------
The Very Famous Plan

1. Get a map and select a random location by closing your eyes and just pointing.

2. In that general area chosen, pick a licensed eating place. ie. Kelseys, Smittys, Moxies... The cheesier the more family oriented the better.

3. Get really really really wasted there. Body shots. Shooters. The more ridiculous the signature drink the better.

4. Take over the place. ie. At Kelseys they had a plastic horse that we were sure we'd be straddling "like a naked british dude". And be wearing green beads and the bucket as a helmet. Basically, act like we were at Fido's in San Pedro again.

5. Try to get all the yuppies/retirees/bored housewives etc. involved in the debauchery.

6. Stay until closing [likely 10pm]

--------------------------------------------------

Oh, and naturally wed be in evening gowns. Why? Cuz i like evening gowns.

With that we all went our separate ways with plans of possibly meeting up on Sunday to cement the VFP. I think we thought of a name. I just cant remember it.

Now im just going to think up ways that i can convince the Ferret Society that id make a good Mom. Yeah, thats a whole other story. Im just too hung to type it. Gotta go sit on her highness' throne of Hangoverland.

Lava- o - Rama

Always an optimist [ha!] when it comes to love [double ha!] I have had many unsavory experiences with internet dating.

Why internet dating? Erm, I guess its a mix between a) I drink too heavily in social settings so no one would actually talk to me/pick me up there and b) Im a geek.

So ive been doing the lavalife for about 6 months off and on [depending on my status] and havent been overly excited. And yes i meet the guys.

Back in Saskatoon i "dated" a guy named Jay for a few months that i met on a website. Sigh. He was the first short guy...I think he sorta set the precedent. When i met him the first time, I looked at him thru the peep hole of my apartment and thought Shit! He looks NOTHING like his picture! [As in, he looked taller than 5 ft tall in his pic]. But...after the PS2 playing [he started that] and the building of BedLand! [started my love of forts] and all the slurpees [ditto] I really started to like him. Which was weird. Cuz for all the fun he had, I never met his friends, heard his last name, or even had his home phone number. Yeah, I figured he had a girlfriend. Shit. I should post all about Jay some time... we had lots of fun and a lot of stories arose out of him.

I digress. So, attempt one...and he had a girlfriend. Boo. Attempt 2 was last May. Almost immediately i met Graham. He looked cute, seemed to have a lot of fun, and his profile said he was 5ft 10. Yet...it also said that he lived 2 hrs away. Well, we met when he came to town and, yeah, I really dug him. Too cute. And he brought me a present-- we had an email convo about "Noodle Time" Noodles and that they had the website for the noodles, including the place where the wash their hands, on the website-- so he brought me some noodles. The out of town thing maybe wouldnt had been so bad except that i started with Keith and Marco around the same time. I still wanna email him... but wont.

So i guess its been pretty bittersweet when it comes the internet dating-- but its the same as everything else ive tried. So tonight after an "I" magazine meeting [ and lotsa beer] I started MSNing with some Lava boys. One, "brent", ended up talking about his penis and being horny...the other asked me for a date [ i accepted] and then showed his picture to me [and now i gotts to get out of it ]. Yug.

Now, Im rethinking this internet thing. I can deal with short and living far away...but juvenile and butt-ugly? Those are hard to overlook.

dammit, where have all the cowboys gone? [ haha. thats something i say and then pretend to break into tears after a geeky guy tries to put the move on me or my friends.]

!!!!

Question:

Is this what my life has become?

-- checking email
-- watching Regis and Kelly, The View, Dr. Phil
-- eating too much
-- sleeping too much
-- wandering around looking in Pawn Shops and Second Hand stores
-- checking email again, also stopping by and looking at the Lava


Answer:

Yep.

Move over Sheryl...

Yeah, i admit it. At the time i totally didnt believe it, in fact I was almost a dick to the guy, but i guess he was pretty amused by it and laughed off my doubt. But i just checked his fansite and the Calgary Herald and the story checks out....

LAST NIGHT I DANCED WITH LANCE ARMSTRONG AT THE WHISKEY.

He was alot shorter than i expected, too. But seemed a nice guy and didnt quibble about the fact that i kept mentioning things that only he would know. But we still danced to "7 nation Army" together. Too funny.

I plan on leaking that to a certain someone who used to watch tour de France with me that i got to meet and in fact dance with Mr. Maillot Jaune himself. Yeah, i miss him. Last night was an art show i really wanted to go to, but i didnt because i knew hed be there. What could i say to him? I dont even know. I get upset just knowing that my friends have talked to him. I want to ask whether he asks about me....but im afraid of the answer being no.

On a fun note, i saw "Waydowntown" tonite and am amused that I escaped downtown on my own without having to use a bottle full of marbles. Shit im sick of being so damned sad. Its only been a week since i got back and im back to it already.

Anniversary of Shit

Well, now that im trying to be back to regular posting, i guess i shud say that my life is as shitty as ever. Its like i left Calgary and the little black rain cloud stayed here...but dont worry, it was waiting for me in the airport. Standing there with a big sign with my name on it.

What am I pissing and moaning about? Well, Fuck. I failed the bar exam again. Seriously. Im done. I have to re take the whole fucking thing in January, which means i cant be a lawyer for another 10 months. Thats a long bloody time. I really and truly believe that if i hadnt gone to Belize this news woulda put me over the edge and id either be in a hospital, mental institute, or the morgue.

I have to find a new career in the time being. Im looking at insurance claims officer, immigration consultant, and possibly working for a municipality [ i found an internship position, but it dont start til January]

Im hoping that there is a one year cycle for the little rain cloud. After 365 days he gets bored and finds someone else. Although i gotta admit, hes had a lot of fun with me. So in case you cleverly noted by the title, its been a year since i was first introduced to the raincloud. It came in on a flight from Halifax with Dumbass. I guess it never really made its presence known until November 04, but it was here last year, about this time, too. And im hoping it will jump on a plane and leave me the fuck alone.

With that, im going to go and get stupid drunk. I like drinking. Its remained constant for the last year, at least, and the little cloud dont mind.

Back from the Beach

Yeah yeah yeah... dont start with me, i know its been a while. Maybe i was hoping you didnt notice. Maybe i just am too laid back still from the trip to care. I plan to post my travel journal entries as soon as im not too lazy to do such. I thought id take this entry to speak to the promises i made to myself the day before i left for the trip.

1. No clocks. No timetables. No extreme planning. --> Did this and how! Never pulled my watch out once. Used my alarm clock on only 2 occasions. [both for diving/snorkelling trips] Actually, it was pretty easy to get up in the morning being that the sun came up at 500am and set at 600pm, so we would party til the wee hours of 1100pm and it felt late.
As for the timetable/planning thing, be proud of yours truly...i never bought a guidebook and we basically relied on the odd things i had read on backpacker websites, what people told us, and the saintly girl in the Belize City airport who said "Go to Caye Caulker". The closest to me being a plan nazi was when i refused to stay on CC one more day.

2. My big hair --> Dude. Its still big. Thank Kester for that...Miss M kept saying it looked good. He told me straight was boring, and then he kissed me later that day. Okie.

3. Sex and the Beach. --> No, I didnt. Sorry to dissapoint. Came close once and gave a little of my superpower after some skinny dippin in San Pedro, but thats it. With a brit. The only boys i wanted to get it on with a) never saw after the first night [Jay of California] and b) never got to it cuz we had to hide from the security guard at his hostel [Matt of Chicago...yeah theres a long story there!] [Mental Note: hmmm. maybe i shud go to the states?!>!]

4. Be DangerGirl--> Check. She is proud. Shoulda done more cliff jumping, quite pleased with the singing with the band, however the clausterphobia demon kept me from out of cave exploration.

5. I did this trip for me. Not for Marco, not for Mark, not for Ian, not for the fucks that caused me to lose my job, and not for any fucks who got to keep theirs. Thought of Marco twice [when making out with B i kept thinking it was him and thoughts of him kept me out of the sack with the brit]. Ian, naturally, i thought of whenever i saw couples on vacation.

So thats the list. Like i said, im gonna post the travel journal. Matters as well. Im not gonna put any of the new shite in here thats going down. Leave that for another post.

ps As it kinda fits....RIP Indie Rock Pete. He couldnt bare living another day without me. I dont blame him. Me cheating on him and all by visiting other fishies in the Reef. Dont tell Revo that i cheated on him too-- that bike on the beach that i was too drunk to ride in Pedro. And the bike of the kid i asked to ride at the Belize City gas station. Im a nut.

Can you Belize it?

First, gotta give props to A's beau Bryan for the title. He said that to me and M when we were very very intoxicated and we thought it the gayest/funniest thing we had ever heard.

I leave in less than 24 hours...in 17 hours, to be precise. Must be at the airport in 14... dang! Im excited and nervous. So here are some things ive decided...

1. No clocks. No timetables. No extreme planning. Yeah, i know, im an expert packer and my bag is already been planned into a stealth pack of neccesities...but i havent technically left yet, so thats ok.

2. I will love my big hair and embrace it in its large frizziness.

3. I wont sleep with anyone for the sake of sleeping with someone. But, if the chance arises, yeah, im gonna do it.

4. Be DangerGirl. She is crying to get out. She wants to scuba dive. She wants to climb the pyramid at Altun Ha. She wants to drink Belizean rum and beer until she pukes...and then drink some more. [of course, DangerGirl's motto is still "Safety First". That means wear a condom, dont pass out alone, and try to remember that you arent a good swimmer]

5. Im doing this trip for me. Not for Marco, not for Mark, not for Ian, not for the fucks that caused me to lose my job, and not for any fucks who got to keep theirs.

I think thats it. I plan to try to email post to my blog-o-rama, if not, ill just copy the emails in here. Cant wait.

Fishy Note: Indie Rock Pete is currently staying at the office of Van Harten, O'Gormon, Foster, Iovinelli (and White) and sends the following message:
Dear Mommy, Having a good time at Diablo's. Diablo is a bit of a jerk, but i can put up with him. My tank is small and i miss Hortense the Mermaid, but all else is good. Bring me a rock from Belize and maybe one for Diablo, too. Love and kisses, Petey.

Olympic demonstration sport --CD player throwing

Fuck im hungover. The worst kind, too: red wine and champagne [why is it that when ever i write champagne i hear Zap Brannigan from Futurama saying "cham-pag-en"]

Yesterday was M's barcall...and damned was it funny. Her parents are so much like she is, drunk and crazy. It was a good time to see all the gang and everyone was so supportive, they all are genuinely interested if ive passed/found a job/am surviving single life again. Sometimes i like remembering why ive decided to stay in Calgary, and yesterday did it.

A totally funny/weird thing happened yesterday: I ran into a guy who i had a "moment" with when i was with Dumbass. Mark had this BBQ for Dalhousie students last summer and naturally i went too. I ended up sitting on the couch talking to this guy who was summering at Blakes for quite a long time. Yeah, he was totally flirting and i "might" had been too. So he had all but asked me out when Mark started telling the story of how we got a cheap room at the Banff Springs...and he jumped back about 2 feet and said. "Oh, you two are together."...
So, im at the reception at Blakes and there is the really cute guy there...and then he comes to her party and is smiling at me... so we start talking. He mentions he went to Dal...I ask if he knew Mark...and bang! It hits us both that we met previously and we start laughing. So no, i never got his number before he left, but i did decide to get it, i just never got a chance to do it. I guess he'll be easy to find.

Came home alone last night and i was really quite sad. I hate being alone and made me want to call marco, but i didnt. Instead i did something stupid. Im not sure what my real reasoning was...maybe cuz the building next door already has a DVD player and Nintendo on the roof, but i decided to add the CD player that was on the free table to it. It was all very stealth. I hid on my balcony for about 20 minutes waiting for everyone to leave...then i crouched down...prepared my positioning...and then hurled it. [Im sure i would get extra points for artistic impression] I saw it sail through the air, but then quickly crouched back down to hide and never saw it land.

Woke up this, erm, afternoon, and i cant see it anywhere. Its gone. Not on the roof, the ground, on any cars....weird. But really funny. If i ever get my hung over ass off the couch i may go explore. Im sure its a world record...or at least a personal best.

Hay--Zooose!

First, yesterday was kinda fun as my first stoned post. To any of my loyal readers [ do i have readers? are ya there? stop lurking and leave me comments!] i never did throw/ mail the rotten food to the ex. It is still in the same spot in my fridge as it was yesterday...and it will likely remain there for the next few weeks...until i get back from Belize and think "why the hell didnt i throw this out before?"

Anyhoo, I keep seeing the commercials to buy that Jesus movie and wonder why would anyone buy that movie? Look its jesus. And hes dying. And bleeding. And writhing in pain. I feel spiritually enlightened. Not that i actually saw the movie. Or wanted to see it.

The funny thing is, if anyone should see it.. it should be me. Im kinda obsessed with hyper-religious crap. I recently purchased a virgin mary [should that be capitalized?] candle to set off my jesus on my TV and my 3-D last supper picture. I heard that there are hook rugs that you can buy of the Virgin Mary at the farmers market and i plan on getting one soon. And i need to replace the Praying Hands [TM] that i lost in the divorce with Ian.

Maybe my problem with the Jesus movie is that so many dumb people who listen to Britney Spears and Usher, read People magazine, and watch "The OC" will watch it and think "wow...that bible is cool", without getting the gist of it all. And the gist is that there is a lot of bleeding, pain writhing, dying going on and NOT that everybody watched it, it was a "blockbuster",Mel Gibson directed it and now you can buy it at WalMart for $29.

Ok. Now im ranting....closing argument here: Jesus = okay; People watching Jesus movie because its popular = not okay. I think i better go resurrect that food in my fridge and send it to the holy land of the dumpster.

my vewy first stoned post: leftovers

Here is my question for this lovely evening:

Is it ok to throw rotten food from your refridgerator at your ex-boyfriend's house?

I have a lot of rotten food [or at least expired food] in my fridge and i dont know what else to do with it. It would be a waste otherwise. Im not sure why im so determined to throw it at his house. Im not any madder at him than i was yesterday...maybe its just cuz it would be funny. I know hes back today too. And currently not home. Im positively giddy planning this!

Better idea: im going to mail it anonymously to someone i dont like [see above]. A big box of lettuce, yogurt, cheese, orange juice and olives. All past their due date. Nice. I'll even make a greeting card with sunshine and flowers on the front, and "Enjoy your Fucking Rotten Food!!!" written inside. Haha.

That is all. Please continue on with your regular programming for this evening.

Today's Post brought to you by: Nostalgia

Im feeling very nostalgic today, and im not sure why. Example: I just saw on one of those infotainment shows [Extra! Extra!] that they are making a new Partridge Family show. Im not sure how i feel about that...it made me nostalgic for sitting on the duelling couches with the Super Ex and him bitching that the goddamned Partridge Family was on Much Music again. The only thing that made him crankier was the Monkees. Anyways, it made me think "Will Kelly get as pissy when the new Partridges are on?"....

Edmonton nostalgia moved into nostalgia for the first week of school [cuz its September, and thats what i did in September in Edmonton]. Right now there will be a beer garden in the Quad at the U of A, and everyone will be congregating in the 'I cant believe its not Butter' Dome to get free shit. At the U of S, the law class will be having the little sibling BBQ and preparing for the big pub crawl. At FMC, [articling is kinda like being in school] the articling students will be working like dogs and learning that the other students are some of the best people they will ever meet.... [sigh]

I hate when i sit and remember how good X time in my life was as compared to Y time and compared to now... it plain sucks. Maybe i shud remember that the first week of school was always the best, and that everything basically went downhill from there each year...and that right now maybe everything is on an upturn in my life. [ yeah-- but that would be optimistic, and that i aint]

Dammit. Im going to continue to plan for Belize. Maybe someday ill be nostalgic for a time when i had the ability to run away for 11 days and not care about leaving a job/boyfriend/ life behind.

[Fishy note: Pete is not being left behind, hes going on his own special vacation to C's office. Hes already packed.]

Sunshine in the forecast?

I wonder if im in a better mood cuz im not blogging, or not blogging because im in a better mood. Or maybe the prospect of flying to another continent [ mental note: is central america its own continent? i dunno.] has just taken me off of my ass and out of the house on various expeditions.

Today i had lunch with T-Mac, which made me happy cuz im feeling a little neglected by the old crowd. He said i looked thin and happier than hes seen me in weeks... and thats before i told him of the marco debaucle. Glad that maybe there is a new spring in my step and smile on my face. By lookin at the past entries ive sure been dreary in the last while.

However, I did the unthinkable today. I still feel a little dirty and may go take another shower. I bought a Mtn Equipment Coop membership. [gasp!] I know, I know. Its the last bastion of my un-yuppiness...now i need to buy a mini van or BMW SUV, get a really big baby carriage for my 2.4 children, buy a trendy navaho leash for my chocolate lab puppy, and hell, i matter as well move to Kensington. What can i say? MEC has really good travel backpacks...

High highs and low lows [ or, Juicy A takes some juicy E]

On a really big comedown right now. Got the shakes and my eyes keep blurring. Apologizing now if stop speaking in the sentences...

Yesterday was W's going away party and a real gong show. We started at Ceilis [blah] but we all got really drunk and ended up having a pretty good time. There was a fan and me and W [aka Hansel]and the others had lotsa fun posing in the wind like we were supermodels.
We decided to leave at about 130 am, and clever me suggested we head to the French Maid [the strip joint in town]. It was pretty funny, mostly cuz our table was 4 girls and 5 guys and we were all cheering loudly...and no, we didnt sit in perv row. To keep the party going we went to the afterhours club in town, the Warehouse.

Everyone pretty much started leaving when they realised that there was no booze being served...just water and gatorade. However, me and W's friend Ryan Ball [ and get this, his dad's name is dick!] both had the same idea, and sought out to find some ecstacy.

I forget how much fun e is every time i take it. That rush...the euphoria...the fact that everything feels soft...the dancing. Then i remember the comedown..the teeth grinding...and the fact that your legs fucking hurt the next day from over dancing. I also think i spent about 2 hours just blindly staring at the green lights...such an e-tard. Had a great time though, something to take my mind off the sadder things going around in my world.

However, with everything there comes an end, and now im fugged up. Trying to keep myself occupied so i dont have a bad comedown and start crying....yeah, im really trying to not think of my [former] little stinky. Better go plan for Belize...

Shiny like a lobster

Its official. Im headin to the mysterious er central continent. Leaving on the 6th and back on the 17th. Im pretty pumped. Ive been trying to get my gear, well, in gear the last couple days and am getting scared that im going to blow my budget before i even leave. Oh well, its only money and i can always get more later.

In the spirit of trying to get into the spirit, i decided to go fake and bake. First, the girl working there was so peppy and cheery i wanted to strangle her. No one should be that way absent drugs or alcohol. So she determines with my skin type i should start with 25 minutes....which seemed a little odd being that i normally only did the 10 minute sessions last year. And I was correct in my observations: my poor boobies, bum, and belly are the color of the communist flag of russia.

Last night it was hard not to listen to CJSW and his show. And i was really sad at 1230 when i didnt get my little phone call that i was having a visitor. Its strange that last week I was at a job interview, had a boyfriend, and had nothing but hope for the future...now ive got a ticket to Belize, a hope to get the fuck out of dodge, and a really red swollen boomboom.

All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey...

..no, Im actually not dreamin of california, but of Belize. You are prolly wondering where the frig and why the frig Belize, but lemme explain.

Went for a drink with M last night. Originally, before i lost my job, we planned on going to Central America together. Then i was out becuz i thought i couldnt afford it. Well, I really still cant afford it. But... due to recent events, i really think that if i dont do something, im going to lose my freaking mind. I need something to pass the next month as i await my exam results.

So last night, M says "come with me to Belize, itll be fun." And ive been looking at this little caribean nation and agreed that yes, it would be rather fun. Snorkelling, looking at Mayan ruins, laying on sun drenched beaches? Yah, I think i could handle it.

And would be far far away from the little heartbreaker down the street.

Famous Last Words

Marco and i broke up. Fuck.

Ever notice the last thing you say to someone isnt the nicest?

Kelly: "This was your fault"
Ian: "Well then fucking go already"
Mark: "Dont ever try to talk to me again"
Marco: "Have fun with your ex fucking girlfriend"

Im going to go lay on my floor.

Brother can you spare a dime?

So Ive decided to apply for Employment Insurance. Im a loser. One step away from living in a refridgerator box on Freedom Street. Blah.

Not much else goin on down or up. Went for dinner with some former co-workers and listened to them bitch about their jobs. Yah, what else is new.

Before that I went and bought some light reading material: The Loving Dominant. [ which could be called "so, you're dating someone who is weirded out by the fact that you want to be tied up and beaten?] The funny thing being that, shite, its worked for me twice already. I feel like i should write the author...

Dear Sir

I have purchased your book for the last 2 boyfriends and now have purchased it for the third. Let me tell you, I turned those poor unexpecting boys from romantic sucks to leash-pulling and whip-wielding dominants. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. However, I may have a lot of convincing for the new one. I am sure, however, that your chapters on converting vanilla lovers may do the trick, as they have in the past.

Your servant,
juicy ass.

Hmmm. That would mean he'd actually have to spend time with me, which he hasnt been doing too much lately. Crap. Its starting to make me a little crazy.

ITS CORN SEASON AGAIN!!!

I like corn. Im a little excited. This is from the girl who hasnt shit solid in weeks. In the illustrious words of my friend Luke, "Booze makes the brown water come out of me arse" [ said with an aussie accent]. Being that i have been drinking pretty much every day this week, its not that surprising. I think i may be becoming the "Gallery Girl", as opposed to the Rev Girl of 1996. However, I never had to sleep with the staff for free booze back then. Haha.

Last night ran into K... one of the 4 guys i was seeing when i chose the Boy. He's leaving tomorrow to go back to Edmonton for school, and actually insinuated that he wanted to "go out with a bang". I declined his offer, naturally. [Im a slut, but not a cheater.] He told me he was a little upset that i chose the Boy over him, which kinda weirded me out, but i still think i made the right choice. Despite the odd problem, i really really dig the Boy and im not giving up on him.

Whats that? I was dating 4 guys at the same time? Yeah. I know, I know. Its kinda what i do. Im either in a relationship, completely single and not looking, or serial dating 2 or more guys. At the time i met the Boy [recall the ex girlfriend preventing him from calling me for 2 weeks?], I didnt think he was interested so i kept looking. Hooked up with K because we worked together and seemed to have lots in common. One of the other boys was another guy i worked with who i never really knew what was going on. He wouldnt say that if we were actually together. The other guy was a sweet guy who lived in Canmore. After i went out with the Boy [ side note: he ran into me when i was out with K and while i was really sad that he hadnt phoned me yet, i felt bad that he saw me with another guy] I slowly let the other guys go. It took me a few weeks to decide that the Boy was the one. In fact, i was about to let him go when he all of a sudden turned into the guy that i wanted.[I'll tell that story some other time] Canmore i just started dating so i just stopped calling. K never really found out til he saw me with the Boy at a party. Harsh.

Anyways, all this talk of boys makes me wanna go have some corn. Did I mention its corn season? Im pumped.

Jobs are for people who dont know how to bitch.

Today was another bar call of a former co-worker...yeah, same kaka, same pile. At least i was stoned this time. I needed it. I had a job interiew this morning and it sucked supreme.
----------
My Interview: A play in one act.

Dude: So what exams did you have to re-write?
Me: Business. And Real Estate.
Dude: Oh. Those ones are important, arent they?
Me: Well...they all are important...
Dude: Well. We cant accept your application until you pass...
Me: Oh

{45 min later..involving why i failed, how many other people failed, and that they pay 20 grand less than the old place}

Dude: So, when you pass, let us know. Or if you dont, let us know then too.
Me: [hitting head against desk until i pass out]
----------

Joys.

As something funny, the guest DJ that the Boy brought into town on Wednesday came over yesterday to get stoned. Too funny. We bonded over our mutual love of Jackass.

Things are weird with the Boy still. Hes gone for the weekend. Time for me to think about stuff. Im literally sitting at the point of telling him i love him, or to leave.

Gawd. I need to find something cheerful to write about.

the little black rain cloud that follows me is getting bigger

The original title of this entry was going to be "Booze, Barcalls, Boys, and Bad news" but im obsessed with alliteration so im gonna try and keep it down for the time being. That being said...

So i got totally wasted yesterday and had to literally run into my apartment this morning because i thought i was gonna barf all over the elevator, hallway and street. It was a friend/ former co-worker's bar call and it wasnt the most pleasant experience for me. It meant seeing everyone at the former workplace and dealing with the ominous questions of "When is your bar call" and "Where are you working right now?" and then seeing the embarrassed/shocked face when i say "2009 and nowhere". Fuck. I also felt like singing "The Old Apartment" by Barenaked Ladies...it was painful being back there.

Kept drinking after the reception and made my way to the Gallery. The Boy was spinning last night and had a special guest in from England, so i went to watch. I got pretty wasted [being a DJ groupie has its perks] and had a pretty good time... then he mentioned how he was concerned that his ex-girlfriend wasnt talking to him, even after he put her on the guest list.

Ok. Story Time again. Im afaid of only 3 things...bears, tornadoes, and exgirlfriends. Especially the latter. I have a stern rule that i dont "recycle" exes. I never go back because i think that whatever caused us to breakup was important enough that it wouldnt make sense to go back. However, my last 6 guys i dated [Ian, Chad, Dumbass among them] have gone back to their exgirlfriends after me.

So that would cause some paranoia, right? Wait There's More! Lemme tell you the rest of the story... Before the Boy and I started seeing each other, his very ex that he put on the guest list told him that she knew he asked me out and she wanted him back. Two weeks later he called me again. I dunno if they did get back together or not [wilful blindness, anyone?] but its always stressed me out.

So, when i heard that she had been there, he had put her on the guest list, and he was concerned that she wasnt talking to him....i fucking lost it. Yeah, I yelled at him, and that makes me really sad. But, in my defense, I just dont understand why he still wants hang out with her. I simply dont trust her at all. No one goes from "I want you back" to "Lets be just friends" in a months time. What I really dont understand is that he doesnt understand why it upsets me.

Im not sure if weve made up yet. I stayed over at his last night [hence why i was running for my bathroom in my apartment this morning] and he was running late this morning and we never talked. I dont know what to do. Im torn between the fact that i dig him alot, maybe could love him someday...and the fact that he doesnt tell me anything, never calls me, doesnt try to really get to know me, and now wants to hang out with his ex who wants me gone...and there are superficial things too. [vanilla is a little flavourless for me]but i just dont know.

that little black rain cloud just keeps on gettin bigger.

After the apocalypse, comes the revolution.... [yeah, whatever]

So, maybe its becuz im now unemployed or that im often understimulated, but sometime I let my imagination run wild and like to pretend that im some sort of character in a movie or comic strip and my life is some big movie/play/novella.

Last year, and during the time I was working I liked to pretend that I was a super hero named "DangerGirl!" who rode around on a BMX and protected the world from Science [which, yes, is still my arch-nemisis]. I had a sidekick named Mr. Action [dumbass] who really was there to do drugs with and have sex with. Really and truly, all DG! ever did was protect the world from frivolous insurance claims and broken contracts. Not that super after all.

Now, since I was unceremoniously "let go" from the job, I see myself as some sort of heroine in a post-apocalyptic world [think mad max meets Tank Girl meets Sailor Moon...hell, Ive been obsessed with all of those at some period of time...] who has leads an underground revolutionary group ready to take out the evil rich people who try to bring us down. Im currently not a member of an underground revolutionary group, although i have been adopted by a rather sassy collective which puts out an artsy culture mag here in calgary [it starts with an "i" and I wont write the name here in case they google themselves and find this blog...and if you guys DO find this blog, dont lemme know, cuz it would weird me out]. I guess if the apocalypse happens and the collective of "i" are still around, Id lead them in a revolution. The only thing that really concerns me is that if the apocalypse happens, will my straightening iron still work? I cant lead any revolutions with bad hair.

if i ever get those pictures up and running, ill put in photos of me as "Dangergirl!"...im sure ones as Juicy A, revoultionary/ ad sales girl will follow...

...the history of the world: part I

Boys boys boys
My biggest weakness and addiction. Seriously. So heres the dummies version of my love life [becuz i remember my english prof in high school telling us that every story needs and introduction... and this is the introduction to what goes on in my life daily]

So, I wont say here what my "magic number" is...but yes, it is fairly high. Instead, this chapter of the book will be about the times i have fallen in love [insert violin music here]

1. Chad. [ex-oh-ex-oh heart heart]
Was my friend Bob's roomate when he was in college...i went to visit Bob and his GF and met chaddie and fell in love [in only the way you can fall in love when you are 19] But, in a theme to be seen again and again, we lived in different cities and it was hard to stick together. Had great sex with him in the back of my 1986 Hyundai pony. Breaking up with him put me into a huge drinking binge [note: another theme] and also caused me to visit a bar in Edmonton called the Rev about 5 days a week. About 10 days after breaking up with Pookie i met....

2. Kelly [later known as Puppy, even later than that referred to as "AssFace", now colloquially "Super-Ex" ]
We were together 4 and a half years. Phew. Thats damn ass long when you are in your mid twenties. There, obviously are a lot of stories involving me and the super-ex, but i guess all i can say is that things were great when i wanted to marry him, and he didnt want to marry me...and then became really shit when he wanted to marry me and i wanted nothing to do with that. Pretty hardcore. I guess, looking back, we had some amazing fun...but im really stuck, even 4 years later, on the bad stuff: he wasnt affectionate, he never told me that he loved me, and our sex life was a phreaking train wreck. He's married now. Weird. Broke up when i moved to saskatoon, went into bender after breakup.

3. Ian. [and i still get shudders when i type his name]
Spent the summer in van to work...really i spent the summer with IFW. We were inseperable. Morning, evening, night, weekend, weekdays...yah, you get the picture. All we did was drink, do drugs, and fuck. Had crazy ass sex [yeah, read that how you want] became a total freaky chick and got into BDSM, fisting, hardcore anal....uh, thats enough for here. But it was goood. Mostly, I loved this guy. After Kel, he was so loving, affectionate, and totally wanted me to be with him all the time. I felt like i was special and beautiful. We even discussed eloping. When i went back to saskatoon, he couldnt handle it...we broke up like 12 days after i left. I lost it. Drank like a wino and slept around for over a year. Got a big tattoo. Went to Europe the following summer to try to forget him. Still dunno how id be if i saw him tomorrow.

4.Mark
Dumbass. Fucker. Asshole. Hey, guess what? Im still a little sore about this one. He was great, and yeah, i guess i loved him. Or at least who i thought he was. We worked together and the first month we were incognito. He seemed like the perfect mix between Ian and Kelly: grounded but fun, and, yeah, I got him into the kinky stuff. He left at the end of the summer to go back to school. We saw each other one more time after that and something troublesome happened. And he ran. And I never will forgive him. The bender never stopped post-Ian, and it continued after Dumbass.

Now... there is the Boy. He's dealing with a lot of emotional wreckage caused by the above assholes. I worry daily that hes going to be just another one...and i worry even more that hes prolly everything i need and want and im not going to give him the chance he deserves and lose him in the process....

yah, thats drama for another time and another day...