Juicy A does Court

So that trial yesterday?

Uhhh, yeah.

I won.

My client was so happy he started crying. The other lawyer was so pissed she immediately came to my desk and said they are appealing. I actually found a use for Blacks Law Dictionary other than hiding behind while naked.

So, I was pretty elated...until I came back to work and saw that pretty much all of my files had exploded over a 6 hour period.

And then I saw that on my blog, I had been hit by the spammers again.

I have now had a chance to fix all the problems with my files...so now i will respond to the "anonymous" friends who decide to leave me messages:

Hi,
I was searching through Blogger to see if I can find some information on Mens Health. I stumbled on your blog, as this was not quite what I was looking for about Mens Health. I did however read your blog and found it quite interesting, keep up the good work and hopefully I will visit it again.
Regards,
--
Posted by Mens Health to The Intersection of thirteen and thirteen ** at 1/31/2006 06:19:01 AM

Hi. If your name is Mens Health...why are you so busy looking for information on Mens Health. Dont you already have a blog about it? Or is Mens Health your actual name and you just that narcissistic that you are going out in Blogger looking for people who may be talking about you. I think you have problems. Maybe you should really be looking for blogs about MenTAL health.

Sincerely,
Juicy

After spending so much time looking for ct lemon law, I just have to say thanks for the post. A

ct lemon law isn't always easy to find the best information on. Anyway, thanks again
--
Posted by Anonymous to The Intersection of thirteen and thirteen ** at 1/31/2006 04:09:49 AM

Okay, first, I dont think i actually posted about "ct lemon law". I dont actually know what it is. Does ct mean Commecticut? Court? Did you forget to put the a in there and its actually supposed to say "cat" Where did the 'a' go? Oh wait, there it is...at the end of the sentence.

A suggestion may be correctly spelling 'cat lemon law' if you are experiencing problems finding information on it. And learning about grammar. Dumbass. I think you have problems.

Sincerly,
Juicy

Psychic Readings Online. Simply, with your computer keyboard ask the reader your questions and the truth will be revealed, Psychic Readings Online

--
Posted by mattbrodie to The Intersection of thirteen and thirteen ** at 1/30/2006 06:33:18 PM

Matt Brodie

Go to Hell. I think you have problems.

Sincerely,
Juicy


Now Im back on track. Have a wikked Tuesday and shit.

A thought

Am I the only one who fears Sunday evenings?

Its like Im all of a sudden in deep regret for all the things i forgot to do/didnt do/ did and wish i didnt of the past week...meshed with the evil stress of all that i need to do next week. I try and find things to do to keep my mind off of it...but right around 6pm... WHAMMO! It hits me. Even when i was unemployed i went thru this.

Do you think Dr. Phil would make a show about it? I could sure use a trip to LA to discuss it with him.

Signs that you hired a bad lawyer...

So I just met with the client for trial prep for Monday's trial.

After the meeting, I looked down and realized I had a huge blotch of gravy down the front of my shirt.

Classy and professional.



ps. yes im in a better mood now. Poutine from Burger King can do that

Crabby Crabby Crabby

Thats me. The old Crabasaurus...Crabimus Prime...Crabby Craberson and her Carnival of Crabs.

I didnt get a good sleep last night. Besides Digi's waking up by bonking his head on the bed and shaking, I awoke at 500 am to see that Jer wasnt home. Maybe its just me, maybe Im a worrier, but when you arent home on a Thursday night I think a few things:

1. There was an accident and something bad happened; or
2. He "forgot" where he lived...and the something bad will happen to him when he gets home.

So I decided to call his cell. He answered on the first ring. It sounded loud wherever he was [but it wasnt a bar being that all had been closed for more than 3 hours by now...so he was at someone's house....whose I had no idea]. I was mad. I think I said something like "Oh good, you answered your phone...so I guess you arent dead" and hung up. [I was still half asleep BTW]

I fell back asleep...but when he got home an hour later, he woke me up again. Digi actually barked at him [I like to think he was giving his Dad hell for coming home so late]

When the alarm went off an hour and a half later, I was not in the cheeriest of spirits.

I got to work. It was my turn to buy donuts. I forgot. Everyone was like "ohhh its okay...we can go without" But, in all honesty, I really coulda used one.

So now to work. I have a trial on monday. I have no evidence. I have no case law. I have nothing but an old guy who hired someone to renovate his house for over $200,000.00 that he met at his church who he never bothered to check for references. He never looked at building permits. He never saw blueprints. And, not surprisingly, that 5 yrs later after he sold the property...the place started to fall apart and now the guy who bought it is suing him.

I cant settle because we are going after the contractor and the home inspector...and you cant indemnify them if you settle. It needs to be a court hearing.

Im also in the process of firing 2 clients for being jackasses and not listening to my advice.

And Digit peed on my work stuff yesterday.




Okay, Im done. Im going to steal a move from Itchy and now post a random fact about myself [it always makes me laugh when she posts it]:

I don't know how to ice skate, ski, or snowboard.

Half Nekkid Thursday #14: Just Ducky!

Lets play a game of

DUCK




DUCK




GOOF!?!!?!




[Before you make any creepy comments about my "mystery guest" Digit, lemme tell you that he just really likes squeaky toys...and when I was shooting pics for HNT this week, it was a little too much for him to bear.]

To see what other games people played this week go see Mr. Osbasso at HNT HQ.

[ps sorry its so late... damn blogger was down until this morning!]

Idle Wednesday ramblings

Im in the process of quitting my gym right now. To prevent the expected queries of 'why are you leaving me when Ive been so good to you' I lied and said I was moving to Canmore. This meant, however, that I only have to fill out the 10 page document explaining why im quitting...instead of the requisite 25.

I shoulda told them that its because Ive decided to become morbidly obese and have Richard Simmons, Geraldo, and Dr. Phil visit me in my house before they need to take a wall out to airlift me out of there because Im so fat that i cant fit thru the door.

Of course, if i was to do that, I would need to be sure to smear some mallomars all over the form. And some bacon grease. And an entire ham.

Im still taking notes on the Cougar Good vs. Cougar Bad [vs... I guess "whats a Cougar?" and "whats the deal with John Cougar Mellencamp"] below...so feel free to chime in.


All i can say so far is that Jer better watch who he refers to as a Mountain cat in the next while...looks like some of my sisters have got my back.

While you continue to ponder, my buds at AlbinoBlacksheep came up with this. One you watch it, you will understand why I had to post it. Its all about my addiction...and its a pretty catchy song,too.

Jedis and Conservatives

http://www.dieselsweeties.com/

I always read this comic...today it really hit home. Maybe we do need X-wing fighters to get rid of Steven Harper... or maybe I should just wait for next election in 2 months.

Cougarism

The noble cougar:

This animal has the most extensive range of any terrestrial mammal in the western hemisphere stalks its prey to within two or three great leaps, then launches a lightning-fast charge is extremely elusive and a master of camouflage

OR

The older woman at the bar who is really gussied up and on the prowl for a man, preferably a younger one. Her kids are probably at home wondering why it's taking two hours to get a pack of smokes.

So here is the question to my readers:

Is being called a cougar a negative or positive thing?

Im sure that billion people have blogged on the topic, but I wanna know for my own personal reasons. Lemme tell the story now, while you think this one out:

Me and Jer are at a bar sitting on a patio... I see a bunch of fake n' baked women wearing tight dresses, drunk and about to head into a bar in Calgary where many of the 20-30 businessman wanker types hang out. I say to him: Lookit those cougars on the prowl.

His response: You are kind of a cougar.

I was extremely offended by this statement. [ I wanted to rip his head off and shit down his neck, to be exact] and informed him that being called a cougar [especially when im only 28, dating someone older than me, and not showing cleavage] was an insult.

He told me that, in fact, being called a cougar was a compliment because it meant I was sexy and in my later 20s.

I wasnt sold.

He then asked the 19 yr old bubble brain waitress about what she thought about being called a cougar...and she said that it was "like a good thing".

Now I really wasnt sold.

We asked a few more people and received more comments going either way. On performing some due dilligence on the Internet, I also find it goes either way. Cougars are scary people that smell like stale cigarettes and body odour and try to pick up their sons' highschool friends....or they are hot mamas who still "got it" despite being in their 30s and above [think Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, or Samantha Jones...]

So, dear reading public: What do you think about being called a cougar? [and Im curious about both boy and girl opinions]

Ug.

The Conservatives won...every friggin seat in this asshole filled backwards province, and are our new government.

Plus the Flames won last night.

Thanks goodness for Project Runway last night [which has quickly become my fave reality show out there...until top model starts up again]. It was the only thing that kept me from having a Hulk-like rage.

Move over Chuck Norris...

Some important facts about me:

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Juicy !

1. Juicy is black with white stripes, not white with black stripes!
2. If juicy was life size, she would stand 7 ft 2 inches tall and have a neck twice the size of a human!
3. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat juicy , though it may feel uncomfortable.
4. The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by juicy as she rode out to collect warriors slain in battle!
5. US gold coins used to say 'In juicy we trust'.
6. Worldwide, juicy is the most important natural enemy of night-flying insects!
7. All swans in England belong to juicy !
8. It is impossible to fold juicy more than seven times.
9. Juicy , from the movie of the same name, had green blood!
10. It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at juicy .

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Best. Video. Ever.

Clicky

FYI: For some prudes it may be NSFW...

Politcal Apathy hits the Intersection of 13 and 13

So its election day in Canada.

If you arent following the election coverage [ ie. you have a life] here is a brief up-to-dater: we are having another election a mere 2 years after the last one [instead of the normal 4-5 yrs] because there was a coalition government [that meaning no party had a simple majority to run the House of Commons] and a bill which was introduced by the Liberal Party [the party that had the most members and whose leader, Paul Martin, was our Prime Minister] was not passed by the House because the other parties would not vote for it, and afterwards, the Conservative Party caucus [hehe caucus is a funny word] ran a vote of non-confidence...thus ending the House session and causing us to have an election.

Phew. Thats a fun rundown of the Canadian electoral process. Can ya guess that I have a degree in Political Science?

Anyhoo...its election day. Yes, I already voted. No, I wont say for who, but Im sure you will be able to guess by the end of this post.

As someone who has a degree in PoliSci, you would think i would be interested in the election...but honestly, Im not. I wasnt originally even planning on voting. Why? Well... Alberta is a horrible rednecked right wing Christian kinda place...and im a crazy socialist atheist kinda person. I know its cliche to say it...but here, my vote really doesnt count. Its like me and 50 other people who vote for the most left wing party in the constituency...and everyone else votes for the good ole boy who is going to keep our taxes low, our women pregnant, and those homo sexuals from gettin a married.

So, as a public service announcement, I am calling upon my Canadian brethren to vote. Its not as easy as voting for Canadian Idol...but its just a fun. Here is a rundown of the bigger parties [in random order]:



New Democrat Party: The party that says no to the death penalty and private healthcare, and yes to funding a national daycare program and supporting gay rights.

Conservatives: Exact opposite of what i wrote above. Soon to be hosting a cross burning near you. [doesnt the leader look like someone who hangs out in chat rooms luring 14 yr olds to his house?]

Liberals: They are usually in power. They are the baby bear's porridge of the Canadian electoral spectrum not too hot like those crazy NDP, and not as cold as those chilly Conservatives.

Green Party: All I know about them is that the phrase "toxic emissions" is in almost every paragraph of their website. It kinda makes me giggle. Honestly, if I wasnt a card carrying member of another party, Id prolly vote for them.

Bloc Quebecois: Oui, they still exist. And oui, they still want to leave Canada.

So there you are. Go vote and not be heard.

Caucus. Hee hee.

As seen in Morning chambers...

- a girl with black lipstick on

- some guy wearing an entire outfit made of black leather...including a Harley Davidson leather hat. Saucy. He gets extra points because he got in trouble for wearing his hat in there, and for making the most noise walking across the courtroom.

- about 6 people wearing Sorel winter boots. [Why? I dont know. There is no snow on the ground]

-countless pairs of jeans and running shoes

And my fave:

-a lady wearing a suit,blouse and heels, ...and her hair in pigtails.

Also noted was a lawyer, sitting in the back row, giggling uncontrollably at everyone and wondering if people know what is meant by "court attire". Seriously, there were 29 matters on the list, and only 4 of these had a lawyer on them. Sheesh. It feels like a Friday or something.

HNT: Tightie Whities

What you are gazing upon are my pajamas. They just kinda look like Boy's Underoos...except instead of having Superman or Spiderman on them, they have Snowflakes and Penguins.

This pic is one of those classic 'accidental' photos where you have the timer set up and you end up getting a totally different pic than planned [ i was trying to get a shot of my lower legs in my sexy heels] but somehow it works out better than the pics you meant to take.

For other pics [both accidental and deliberate] of the HNT fare... go see Os and make sure you tell him i say "hi".

Sickday

Im dying right now. From the flu. I was MIA yesterday from work and the world in general, but decided to be a keener and come into work for the afternoon today. Bad move, Juicy. Baaad move.

Im going home now. But here is something i saw on I love Bacon which made me laugh.



The story is that "locum" is a swedish company that makes hospital supplies...and decided to put an ad in the paper which showed that they "heart" their customers. Hilarity followed...

See ya laters, sleepy time.

Juicy's 2 minutes for Unsportsmanlike Conduct

I completely give up on doing anything productive today. Its one of those days where the phone wont stop ringing, so i cant actually start drafting/researching anything. Might as well waste the day nice and proper by blogging some more.

My weekend was, again, pretty nutty. Friday ended up being a stereotypical Friday the 13th afterall. Cuz I almost got in a fight at Jer's hockey game. Some chick was talking shit and Juicy didnt wanna hear it.

Well, to be more specific, she spent more than half the game chewing her gum like a cow and reading People magazine but then, during the 3rd, she started shouting at players on Jer's team.

At first I was annoyed, but really didnt care. Then she started swearing at them and was acting very obnoxious. I mean, this was a beer league game and there were 4 people in the stands. No reason to be so worked up. The teams were playing rough, but it wasnt that bad. I shouted at her from where i was sitting [assertively, but not bitchily], "Hey sweetheart, watch your mouth".

She was quiet for a while... until she said something she shouldnt had after a few players had a bit of a scuffle on ice:

"Hey Number 17 you fat piece of shit, go pick on someone your own size. You fucking suck and you cant skate!"

Jer is number 17.

I lost it. [But tried to remain somewhat calm.]

I yelled back at her " Why dont you go back to chewing your fucking gum and reading your fucking magazines because no one gives a shit about what you have to say."

She kinda went pale and didnt respond to me. She just sat back down and turned away from my direction.

About 10 min later there was a big fight on the ice [it was Jer's brother actually] and she resumed screeching at Jer's team. When Chad kicked the other kid's ass, she went ballistic and starting calling him every name in the book. [It kinda reminded me of when my poodle used to attack the vacuum cleaner.]

I had had it. I didnt want to listen to this bitch anymore. I was well beyond annoyed. She needed to be shut up...and fast. I told her to

SHUT...THE...FUCK... UP, loudly and clearly.

I dont know if I sounded like i meant it, or if i looked psychotic, but she shut up pretty fast. I really wanted her to say something back to me, but she wouldnt. I wanted her to shout one more thing at the game. Just one. Thats all i needed. The next thing i would had said would had been "Maybe you should come over here and say that" and, if she wouldnt, I would had walked up to where she was and knocked her block off.

She was all talk yelling at the players, but wasnt willing to[or likely, didnt think she would have to] back up her words. I think that was the main reason why I really wanted to kick her ass. I wonder what woulda happened if i would had done it.

Would they had separated us and given me a penalty?

Meeeeeem? or Me- me?

No one seriously knows how to say that word "meme". I swear to gawd.

Its 1100 am, I havent had coffee yet, work is crazy busy, half the staff is away sick, and i think im still hung over from Saturday. Ill actually post later, but until then, here are some memes/funny things that Ive been meaning to do:

1. The "4" meme [courtesy of JJ]

Four Jobs You’ve Had In Your Life

1. Hearings Officer at the Dept. of Immigration: I was the 'Minster's delegate' which means, in the name of the Minister of immigration, I got to decide who was deported/ allowed to stay in Canada. Crazy.

2. Deli worker: I cut off the side of my finger on a meat slicer once. Awesome.

3. Telemarketer: "Hi! My name is [insert whatever fake name i decided to use that day...usually it was Lola] And Im calling from the Market Research Department at the University of Alberta..." Ususally I just said "Hi, My name..." and I heard the 'click' of the phone being hung up. Wikked.

4. Not really a "job" per se, but I made money making stuffed animals at craft fairs. They were these little ponies wearing dresses. No, Im not making this up. I sold em for like $50 each. Rockin.

Four Movies You Could Watch Over And Over

1. Trainspotting
2. Team America [fuck yeah!]
3. Jackass the Movie [the hardware store shit is my fave!]
4. The Sound of Music [ i know this as a fact because every year i see its on TV and end up watching it.]

Four Places You’ve Lived

1. A bachelor apartment in Edmonton. It was so wikked... it had a murphy bed and was in a really scary neighbourhood where there was a serial rapist.

2. East Vancouver. Probably on the scariest street in the know world, Hastings. The heroin addicted hookers that worked outside our building sure were nice, though.

3. Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. People in Europe thought that i made this place up because of the name. No, it exists, and its awesome.

4. Calgary, Alberta, in a sketchy neighbourhood near the 'red mile' [where all the idiots partied during the playoffs two years ago] and whose address was the very lucky 13 and 13.

Four TV Shows You Love To Watch

1. My Name is Earl
2. The Office [both the British and american versions]
3. Arrested Development [RIP]
4. Americas Next Top Model


Four Places You’ve Been On Vacation

Belize
Puerto Vallarta, Mx
Western Europe [do i have to list all 24 countries?]
Halifax, Nova Scotia

Four Blogs You Visit Daily

Adventures in Blah Blah land

The Strait of Messia

Salt Licks and Beatnicks

Life According to Carrie

[although i really just look at my little listy thing and see whose been updated. Lazy, I know.]

Four Of Your Favourite Foods

fried chicken
sushi
hotdogs
ice cream sandwiches

Four Places You’d Rather Be

1. At home, in bed with Jer and Digit
2. On a beach...anywhere.
3. Accepting a cheque for a million dollars from Ed McMahon
4. Strutting the Catwalk at fashion week. [I so need to win ANTM next season]

Four Albums You Can’t Live Without

1. Radiohead- The Bends
2. The Verve- Urban Hymns
3. Smashing Pumpkins- Siamese Dream
4. Chemical Brothers- Dig your Own Hole

Four Vehicles You’ve Owned

1. 2005 Jetta
2. 1985 Hyundai Pony
3. 1986 Hyundai Excel
4. My bike [ a 2002 Haro Revo]

Four People To Be Tagged

I never tag...but, uh, I DID mention 4 peoples' sites above [ahem]

2. The Oldest Email Meme [courtesy of Bliss]

Go to your email, and post the oldest email you have in there.

I have approx. 2000 email addresses, but my most constant is my hotmail account. I wont post the whole thing...but the oldest email comes from my super ex [oooh scary!] at a time when we decided to be 'friends'. What this really meant, is he sent me emails every week explaining how he was doing wonderful, dating tons of girls, and was having the time of his life. An exerpt:

Nothing much else is new. I asked out this medical student who was on my unit. We're going out next week. Her name is Amanda so I won't run into the problem of getting the names confused anymore. (I called Mandy by Noelle once, that was bad). Mandy got a kitten that's really tiny and it whines a lot (we're aren't back together thank god).

[Note: Mandy is the girl he ended up marrying a year after we broke up]

However, each email had this real pathetic feel to it. Usually ending with him "reminding" me of a wonderful time we had together.

Joe is here next week for his sister's wedding. He is doing well and is happy. A far cry from the guy who used to come to the cabin with us and be a real downer. The cabin was always fun during the summer, wasnt it?

That was the last email he actually sent me before he started dating Mandy and ended up marrying her. Ug.

My other email addy [here at work] had this message as my oldest:

you are great.

[from Jer...of course. [sigh]

3. Whats my Stripper song...

The last isnt really a meme...but is still funny...and stolen from Cindy

Your Stipper Song Is

Milkshake by Kelis "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like, it's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I could teach you but I have to charge" One thing is for sure: you know how to shake it!

What Song Should You Strip To?

We dont need another hero...

SAN ANTONIO -- Eleven "Mad Max" fans armed with fake machine guns were arrested after they surrounded a tanker truck while making their way to a movie marathon in a theatrical convoy. As the group headed to San Antonio on Saturday, police received several calls from drivers who reported a "militia" surrounding a tanker truck. Police charged nine people with obstruction of a highway and two others with possession of prohibited knives in addition to the obstruction charge. One of the organizers, Chris Fenner, said the arrests were unfair. He said he didn't know why anyone would have confused the costumed crew recreating a scene from "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior" -- set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland -- with a real threat.

And with this, Juicy stopped building the Thunderdome in her back yard...

TWO MEN ENTER! ONE MAN LEAVES!

Okay, its 430 on Friday afternoon... i may have lost it.

Happy 13 Day!

So before you get all up in my grill about missing the HNT yesterday, lemme say that i DID have a pic ready and planned to post it on Wed nite, except Jer's computer ate it. [seriously...i hooked my camera up, then it said there were no pictures on the camera]. So I retook a bunch of pics, found one that was okay, and planned to post at work on Thurs...but then i was in court all morning and in meetings all afternoon. So by 400, I coulda posted, but i thought whats the point. So you have to wait til next week. Im prolly more bummed that i missed out than you are....lemme 'splain.

This goes along perfectly with my theory that Thursday the 12th, and not the 13th, should be considered a unlucky day.

Along with the probs with HNT, I had a heinous court battle with my biggest pet peeve, a self represented litigant. What this means is that not only do you have to argue against the irrelevant points of someone who has noooo idea what they are talking about, but you have the judge take their side because, well, they feel sorry for them.

I also had a bad headache, Digit decided to eat his metal kennel [seriously. what an idiot], and the oilers lost in overtime.

Friday the 13th, for the most part, has been a pretty cool day for me. I really like the number 13 [duh] and Fridays are my fave day of the week. Last F13 I went into the history of it here and why its actually pretty wikked.

Which brings me back, again, to why im pissy about missing HNT: it woulda been my 13th HNT post ...the day before the 13th...on the intersection of 13 and 13. My pics incorperated the number 13 into them too. Bollocks!

Anyways, happy 13 day from the Intersection of 13 and 13. I should make a greeting card or something.

Something wikked this way comes

Y'know sometimes when you are falling asleep watching the TV, and you kinda daze in and out of consciousness? Yeah, that happened last night while i was watching South Park on TV and I saw this commercial...and didnt know if i dreamt it [more like a nightmare, really] or if i saw it.

I just confirmed that i saw it.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.



The Mini Pops are Back...

According to their 'publicity' site:

K-tel International, Ltd first began producing music for kids in the early 1980s with the original Mini Pops. The popular albums featured the MiniPops performing the hits of the 80’s including classics such as Cruel Summer, I’m Still Standing and Rock This Town.

Today, the Mini Pop Kids have returned featuring all new kids and all new songs. From Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway” to the classic “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, the All New Mini Pop Kids is definitely a hit!

Do you remember this from when you were a kid? How somehow almost every girl [with exception to yours truly] had this? How absolutely shitty it was to hear 11 year olds with squeaky voices sing 'Yesterday' by the Beatles? The abomination of 'Karma Chameleon'? [oh fuck, i just looked at their site...they are re-doing this one! noooooo!]

As sad as it is, id rather hear Britney sing 'Baby one more time' than these idiots.

The horror the horror.

Chuck says...

TODAY
IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET


I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris


Thanks so much to CBK for sending me this. So very wikked... Im currently ordering my edition of Chuck's book from Amazon as we speak Literary efforts indeed!

Need more Chuck [and who doesnt really!] go here for his website

See-- its not just me...

Plan to Straighten Out Entire Life during Weeklong Vacation yields Mixed Results

Funny recollections from the weekend

This weekend, on reflection, I did quite a bit of drugs. So kids, if you are reading this: Dont do drugs. Wait til yer older and can really appreciate it. Do as Juicy says, not as Juicy does.

Anyhoo, so Saturday Jer had to work and I decided to clean the house [ a task i really dont enjoy...but needs to be done all the same]. So i got really baked first. However, right after i started cleaning, I thought it would be fun to take Digit for a walkie-poo.

I took him to this park right by my house and he was sniffing the grass, peeing on trees and other doggie stuff...when i heard someone yell "hey". I turn around. Its the police...they've parked on the road nearest to where i was standing and are sitting in the car. I smile [trying not too lose my cool-- drug paranoia has always been a big prob for me when stoned] and say "yes?"

"Didnt you see the sign?"

"What sign?"

"The sign by the entrance to the park? The one that says there is a 'No dogs' bylaw here?"

Now this park is pretty big...and square. I honestly had never seen any signs saying no dogs. My response: "Uhhh... Wheres the entrance?"

The cop was less than impressed, but seriously, there was no sign near the place where i entered the park. I wasnt trying to be funny. Seeing his displeasure, I freaked out and went on the defensive: "Look!" I cried while pulling out a bunch of safeway bags from my pocket "I pick up dog poop! I dont carry these bags around for my own benefit!"

The cop kinda rolled his eyes and said, "Well, just dont walk your dog here anymore. People dont appreciate it". He rolled up the window and took off. I took Digit to the other end of the park, and actually saw the no dogs sign. Digit peed on it.

While stoned later that evening at a rock show, I asked a guy with long hair, beard, and wearing birkenstocks how the whole Jesus look was working for him and if the ladies loved it. This was after thwarting a group of lesbians [one of whom looked a lot like Fonzie and I may had called Fonzie within her earshot] from hitting on my [straight and not single] friend, much to their dismay. I think i was also quoting the Macho Man Randy Savage a bunch.

Again, Kids dont do drugs. Save them for those of us who know how to use them properly.

Conspiracy Theories for this week

1. That there is a hidden camera in my office. Cuz seriously, the crap i deal with is beyond belief. There is NOOOO WAY that this shit is legit. [too legit to quit? perhaps] Todays freak show include: People suing Paul Martin [the Canadian PM] cuz they tripped on a Liberal Party sign on a front lawn, admitted cokeheads who are mad cuz their kids were taken away when they were high, and a guy who thinks that because Im his lawyer, I should pick him up and drive him to go to the Mall. Honestly. Where's Ashton? I must be getting Punk'd or something

2. Im getting fat because im a bad person. Bad person = not going to the gym more than once a week and eating copious amounts of chocolate.

3. Jeremy and Digit have decided that i will never get to sleep a whole night through ever again. Im not sure their reasoning for it, but seriously....between Jer coming to bed every night at 2 am and then, when he does go to sleep, his rusling and talking...and Digit having to rearrange his bed and jump up and shake every hour or so, its getting to be a little much. I think i may offer to sleep in Digit's kennel from now on. Maybe then ill get some sleep.


Me and one of the meddlesome beasts i live with

Is it me, or do i have a one track mind?

I just came back from lunch with my assistant. I had chicken fingers and fries. I swear to gawd that all 3 of my "fingers" looked like another appendage. Complete with little chicken testicles.

I couldnt stop giggling while i dipped them into the ranch sauce.

HNT #12: Dizzy

Lookit me, Im trying to be arty for a change...









[Juicy checks off "Be more Arty, less sleazy on Blog" on New Years Resolutions list]

Also check out Os's site to see who else played...

Fire me, please.

Fuck am i ever unmotivated today. I have a pile of stuff to do, court to plan for, people to call, and im all 'meh'. My largest concern right now is trying to figure out how to get fired by one of my clients.

Yeah, you read that correctly. Im trying to get fired.

I have a client who is slowly losing his mental capacity and, although our ethics say blah blah you cant get rid of him just because hes living in the psych ward, calls you twice a day to say things that make no sense, and everyone else who knows him has gotten restraining orders against him because hes becoming violent, I really cant handle it anymore. I think i may have found a loophole, though, and can fire him instead. (He's not listening to my legal advice anymore...however, hes not really listening to anyone anymore because hes in a state of delusion.)

Im being a smartass about it here, but its really bumming me out.

Speaking of being bummed out [and on a giant tangent], I saw Syriana a few days ago. As a socialist who lives in a city run by oil companies and filled with oil execs, I really have no love for big multinational companies who destroy peoples lives and land to make money from non-renewable resources. I didnt want to see the movie, originally, cuz i knew it would make me mad. But it was really really good. There were parts that made me mad, made me want to cry, and left me exasperated. Its one of those films you cant stop thinking about after you leave the theatre.
Its strange that in watching the trailer, they dont even refer to the storyline that hit me the hardest: 2 pakistani boys who lose their jobs in Iran when the oil merger happens. I wont say anymore, but if you have seen the movie, you know what im talking about.

Ug. Enough about crazy people and oil companies. Im going to go read about greyhounds some more.

As if I couldnt get any geekier...

Juicy has entered the world of MySpace

I know, I know, I just couldnt handle JJ's whinging anymore about not having any MySpace friends.

If yer also a MySpace geek... feel free to add me and etc.

Helllooo 2006!

So I survived NYE, in case you were wondering. Actually, it wasnt as crazy as it has been in the past [ ie. no streaking, sleeping with strangers, fighting with girls in the bathroom...thank gawd] but still a really wikked kick ass time.

I ended up getting drunk and stoned at a houseparty, watching the Oilers game [boo flames], eating a shitload of foodstuffs, going to some bars and then taking Digit for a walk at 430 am with Jer. We actually almost missed the countdown because we were having a very in depth conversation about men who hide in the bottom of port-o-potties to watch women go to the toilet. [which apparently is a problem... good to know, i guess]

So Ive been trying to think of a new years reso-ma-lution and was pretty much stumped. Im pretty lucky: good job and boyfriend; the bank account could have a lot more in it...and the debts could be a lot less and Id like to drop the 5 or so pounds ive put on in the last month... but all in all im doing pretty okay.

But then, while i sat in the bubble bath this evening, I thought of a good one: I need to be less lazy.

Yeah, its pretty vague..but it really is something i have probs with. As i think ive mentioned in the past, I have a tendency to make a big to do list every month...then by the 7 or 6th, pretty much give it up and dont do a damned thing on there until, well, the first of the next month when i put it on another to do list. Every night i come home from work, and instead of doing the things on the list... i just lay around, have a bubble bath and watch the TV [and occasionally go to kickbox].

I like to put things off and then never get around to doing it. Case in point: My week off work. Out of the 10 things i planned to do, I did a whole ONE. [that being picking up Digit] I had friggin 10 days to do these things, from as simple of calling my insurance company to let them know i moved [2 months ago, too] to tiling a backsplash in the kitchen. Its not that these were difficult...or that i didnt have the shit to do them, i just was too lazy to take the initiative.

So no more lazy Juicy. I have kickboxing to go to, a doggie to walk [and take to obeidience class so he doesnt turn into a lazy jerk too], and a list of shit to do. Im going to set aside a time each week [ like monday night] for doing something on the list.

Well, starting next monday... [joking]