its already one of those kinda days

...so watch something cute as i try to make time to post an actual post

Mexico, Mormons, and Moxy Fruvous

Wanna know whats shitty? Waking up with a fucking a cappella song in your head. Like really. What is this, 1990? Am I wearing neon?

So for those who live vicariously through me ( yeah-- it could happen. Dont burst my ego bubble when i still have Moxy Früvous in my head)just thought Id let you know what my Christmas plans are. Im fucking going to a small village outside on Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and laying on a fucking beach and drinking fucking tequila. What do you think about that big shot? While you are singing about bells and sleigh rides, Im going to be sunning my boobs. You'll have egg nog, Ill have margaritas.

Actually, while I was typing that i got strangely sad that I dont get to have Christmas anymore.

So I watched a lot of reality TV yesterday. Im kinda pissed off that Jennie Garth was eliminated before the Tubby Mormon mom....but watching the Bachelor dump both girls made up for it. I hate the writers strike, by the way. Not that I dont support their right to strike-- I think the stations should give them better renumeration for good shows...blah, blah, blah --anyhoo, Im just mad that new shows might be ending this week. Im really into 30 Rock right now and will be sad if I dont get to see the madcap lives of Tracy Jordan and Kenneth the NBC Page lived out on my TV this Thursday.

Heres a tangent you didnt expect me to go off on: I am having pant issues right now. Im not sure if i lost weight, they stretched, or if the pantgods are mocking me, but it looks like im wearing hammer pants. Im sure these fit me when i bought them last month.

Did Moxy Fruvous do anything else than write that one annoying song? Were they popular anywhere but Canada--especially in cities where there was college radio?

Oh yeah, do you know what pisses me off? When people say things on TV or stuff about "Canada" like we are one city. Last night some chick on Miami Ink (see? Reality show) Said that everyone in Canada knew her dad because he did something. Oh really? Im in Canada. I dont remember meeting her dad or knowing him for some feat. In fact, I cant even remember this feat that all Canadians are supposed to recall. Dumb ass.

Breakin' the Law Breakin the Law

So, guess who found out this morning that her car registration expired 6 months ago? And guess how she found out?

Answers: 1. Me 2. By being pulled over by the po-po on a busy street during rush hour traffic.

Honestly though, I really did think i got to do it every two years--and when i didnt receive a renewal notice on Monday, I thought fer sure I would be fine. Yeah. And smarty pants here didnt have proof of insurance in her car either.

Luckily I talked my way out of that one...and assured the nice officer that I would immediately go get new tags so he wouldnt tow my car. Instead of giving me the $500 ticket for not having a registered car, he instead gave me a $175 ticket for not producing valid registration on request. ( yeah, I got out of it cuz Im cute. Deal with it)

So hey kids-- make sure you have a registered car.

Anyways... other than that joy, I am quite happy to report that I went and saw GWAR on Wednesday. If you have never done this before, I recommend you do it immediately. I learned that the human body will pulsate and spray blood up to 50ft away for 5 minutes if you cut someone's head off. Its true. I didnt manage to get covered in blood, but i did get some of "hitler"'s semen on me when he was spraying the crowd with his dink. Yeah-- blood, semen, shit, you name it, GWAR had someone pumping it.

It looks like i found a place to accomodate my doggies over christmas break-- so my dreams of having a vacation away may now come true. Thank Christ. I fucking need a break.

Now presenting a bunch of pictures that i just feel like sharin'

I found a bunch of weird pics on my camera after this weekend. Here.



Im not sure if Ive ever blogged this, but everytime I get really drunk-- I am prone to taking self portraits of myself--while in the bathroom. No, nothing creepy or nude-- just usually a picture like the above ( usual positions are 1. winking 2. kissing or 3. sticking out tongue). I literally have thousands of these pictures-- about 20 per drunken night for the last 3 years.

This is the best of last weekend.

Also, my black and white coat sure has made its own presence here on the old blog. It almost has co-host status.



Gumby always looks really happy. Sometimes I think he is mocking me. Sometimes Ill be in a meeting and someone will be going on about something that Im not interested in and Ill shift my gaze to Gumby...and then need to supress laughter. In the above picture, it cracks me up that Gumby is carrying poor pokey like a handbag clutched under his arm.



So I have been taking part in Bikini Bootcamp for the last 4 months. Im not sure if Ive lost any weight, but I think i look less squishy...and I feel like im in better shape. This is a pic of my actual class-- I was late that day-- and as you can note no, they arent actually wearing Bikinis to work out. Idiots. (Actually Ive been wearing approx. 5 layers to work out in cuz its dang cold and dark now when we work out)

I gotta say that I have never had my ass kicked so hard in all my life. I have actually puked a total of 6 times since starting.




This is Eva looking photogenic. when you have dogs bred to be fast-- its pretty hard to get a picture of them where they arent a) a blur or b) sleeping.

The Fables of Juicy #6: I am an angry driver

It is even hard for me to post a picture about said driving...because I am too angry while i am driving to post a picture.

I yell at passing cars. I yell at people on the street. I yell at traffic lights...stop signs..curbs.. yah, you get it. I need to listen to my music very very loud to drown out the fact that I am angry at everything around me.

If you are wondering who I listen to when i drive the answer is thus:

LES SAVY FAV

I saw LSF this summer in Calgary...and have not listened to another CD in my car since. I have 4 of their albums which i just go between.

If you go to their myspace page... listen to The Equestrian, The Sweat Descends, and Raging in the Plague Age... and picture someone in a silver VW driving angry and erratic driving 20 km above the speed limit...and thrashing to the music. Yah. Thats me.

So its Halloween again. In my never ending battle to find original costumes that no one really understands... I wore this this year. My camera died before I could get a better shot... but I was also wearing pink shorts and red cowboy boots.

Now, smartypantses... who was I?

The Fables of Juicy #6: I hate wearing socks.

Note: Winter Coat



Note: ridiculous shoes

Today there was snow on the ground. This pisses me off. It makes wearing ridiculous sandal-type open toed shoes pretty hard. And man do you get weird looks when you are wearing open shoes and scraping ice and snow off your car in the morning.

It appears that socks may be in my future. And this pisses me off.

So I was reading crappy gossip sites at noon and found out that although I have been writing 2007 on all my documents, its actually 1997.

It appears that AQUA and Ace of Bass are both getting back together and putting out albums. Along with the Spice Girls, its like the late 1990s are back. Whats next? A reunion on Fresh Prince of Bel Air? A Fat Oprah? A straight Ellen DeGeneres?

I went to Canadian Tire yesterday and instead of picking up some chairs... I was guilted by some dude to buy a $25.00 calendar. Yeah, I know. Calendars are usually free...found in restaurants and dentist offices each year with nary a cost.

And its not like they really made me feel bad for their charity or anything... it was just like the dude came up to me, shook my hand, and started his plight about said calendar...and i think i blacked out or something for 10 minutes, and at the end of it I was holding the calendar and a receipt for $25.00 in my hand. Maybe he was a witch or something. It made me think of times when Homer Simpson is thinking about doing something...and by the time he decides what to do, he's already in his car driving away. D'Oh!

Jer and I are thinking about heading to Vegas for the 24- 29th ( I wont call it Christmas, cuz, well, y'know)...its not a done deal yet. We are still looking into places/ dates to go etc. I can say that Jer is making it next to impossible for me to plan the trip though ( NOTE TO JER SHOULD HE READ THIS: YEAH, I SAID IT... YOU ARE BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS) as everytime I research something, plan it out with Expedia with 3 different possible choose-your-own-adventure type scenarios hes all "uhhh... what if we stayed (here) instead" or "did you look at (some fucking random thing Id never think of) as well?"... then I say "No" and he makes me re-research it. When I say "Why dont YOU look that up" he comes up with some excuse (ususally about Hockey or how tired he is) and then thats it.

To make a long story short (ooh too late) If I want to actually go to Vegas-- I need to plan it myself or it aint gonna happen.

Anyone got any big suggestions for Las Vegas or Reno?

A note to parents:

Free Texas Dating

Fucking rights fuck! Motherfucking motherfuck! Hahaha!

The Fables of Juicy #5: I generally lack professionalism

This is what im wearing right now. Along with a pair of dress pants, blouse...and pair of white and green sketchers.

Maybe I SHOULD be concerned about this. Naaaaaaaah.

Anyhoo the reason for my lack of care about the legal profession is basically because my woes with the Law Society are far from over. They want me to respond to a bunch of questions where my answer for everything is basically "No, I didnt do this. I wish I would had..but hindsight is 20-20". Im actually half pissed off and half totally bummed about it. I wish it was one of those situations where I could just say that I didnt know better at the time... I do now...and I wont make that mistake again. ( I tried this approach. They didnt like it)

Jeremy's response to their continuing investigation was a dozen roses-- with a card saying 'Fuck the Law Society'.

In other craptacular news, I just found out that my Grandmother has cancer...and had a masectomy yesterday. Im glad to hear she is now ok, but Im kinda pissed off that no one bothered to tell me previously. I am glad to also hear that her spirits are also feisty and positive: when asked if she was getting a boob implant reconstruction she said "only if I meet a hot guy on the way to surgery". Anyways, now I feel better for doing my part for Boobiethon... and now for the Bras for the Cause that Im doing this weekend. Im not just a perv, Im doing it for Gram.

Also, my fish died yesterday. Poor guy.

This post is bumming me out.

This is something awesome...and answers the question of what my talent would be if i was in a beauty pageant


If I hadnt already picked out my costume for Halloween this year...it'd be her.

What the Fuck Have I been up to that Ive been too busy to blog...

Controlling the virtual Buck Hunter deer population



Giving Obi a complex



Celebrating my Quincenera



Powerboatin'



Cupping random balls



Stalking cute oriental children



Making out with statues

Well.. its a lot more interesting than just saying that I have been really busy at work since i went on my trip and havent had a chance to blog...

Gone but not forgotten

So everytime I go away it takes roughly twice as long to make time to blog. If I wasn't sending this from my phone I'd draw a graph.
I'm at Juliet s castle and I might be drunk on jugs of rum and coke.
And watching the flames. Boo.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

The sun always shines in East Van.

I'm here in Vancouver and have eaten an obscene amount of sushi. This place rules.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

The Fables of Juicy #4: Im actually quite introverted

I never thought i was an introvert-- I mean, seriously, how many introverts table dance and run around humping inanimate objects? Still, whenever I took one of those personality tests they always informed me that i was an introvert. But then i thought about it--whenever I enter a new group of people, I am super quiet. I stick to the back and say nothing. Once I have warmed up to everyone, I return to my object-humping regular self.

This weekend I have a Bat Mitzvah to go to in Vancouver. I can almost guarantee that right up to and including the first 20 minutes of the reception Ill be self conscious and quiet....and then once I realise that I dont hate everyone and am not a total outcast (well, except for the blatantly obvious fact that Im a Shiksa)(see, Im doing it already-- already freaking about new people and new groups).

I also think there is a correpsondence between introverted and intoxicated-- as in the more I am of one, the more Ill be of the second. Im certain that there will be many pictures of me with my mouth open after the weekend and many people congratulating me for a successful danceoff.

So Im also looking super forward to seeing Weeiner (aka Best friend Vancouver) this weekend and for hanging out with her for a few days after that. She, actually, is the co-creator of the hump attack following a night of too much beer and not enough thinking. She is also "Ice Cool" to me being "Fire when Ready". Im really really excited about this. Im glad my camera has enough memory for 500 pictures...

The Fables of Juicy #3: There is no such thing as too much coffee

From Left to Right: 1. Average sized coffee mug. 2. Juicy's extra extra extra large 'everythings-bigger-in-Texas'holy christ muthafucka large coffee mug.

I love coffee. More than anyone else you know. And it doesnt need to be fine grind, extra smooth Starbucks something or other, it just has to be brown, with caffeine, hot and in a cup. I have been drinking coffee since i was eight when my parents started letting me pour it on my mini-wheats (dont knock it til ya tried it-- i still have it everymorning for breakfast at work) and have been addicted to that evil little bean ever since.

I once was such a junkie (think of me in Trainspotting but instead of trying to make it up the stairs to get a hit of heroin, shaking as Mother Superior pours me a cup of joe) that my friends and ex boyfriend did an intervention of sorts. I needed to slow down on the coffee cuz they were worried. When i cut down, i immediately became angry and aggressive-- they actually asked me to go back to my 6 cups to day to tolerate me.

I have recently cut down to one cup a day...however, note the size of my cup.

I decided to post this because right now (yes-- at 8:44 pm) I just made a pot of coffee here at work. Yeah, Ive been drafting a brief and its totally taken over my life. Need caffeine to make the brain keep working. Im also eating sushi... but thats another fable for another time...

The Fables of Juicy #2: I hold grudges

I hold grudges. Its true. I can pretend that I forgive people, but I dont. All that bullshit about turning the other cheek or whatever? Not gonna happen. If you did something to really really make me mad, Im prolly not going to forgive you. Like ever. Yeah.

The reason I chose this little factoid today is because of something I encountered today in the world of facebook. Someone listed on that list in the picture (okay okay... the FIRST one on the list) added me as a friend. Uhhhhhh....yeeaaaah. Not gonna happen. I hate you forever and forever and forever. I aint your friend, buddy. Not in facebook and not in reality.

Other than that, my weekend was pretty much the most lazy greyhound-like weekend i have had in a while. My back was actually hurting on Saturday because I was laying around so much. The only time i left the house was to rent more movies and get Indian takeaway. Pure awesome.

Tomorrow I have to draft my letter to the law society about the cunt. I likely will be in a pretty bad mood tomorrow...oh, and might add someone else to the list.

The Fables of Juicy #1: I am addicted to celebrity gossip sites

There are a billion websites out there which give you the up to date info on all your fave and not so fave celebrities. And I am personally addicted to TMZ and PerezHilton.

I honestly do not care whether Britney is wearing panties, whether Jessica Alba is still dating that douchebag, or who may be pregnant form Desperate Housewives....yet I still find myself going to those websites 10-20 times per day and checking to see whats up.

And in that same light, here is a funny video that TMZ made:

clicky

What smells like cooter?

Hey... wish you smelled like crotch? Then go here [warning NSFW]

Yesterday was talk like a pirate day. I spent it at work (natch) but refused to speak to my assistant unless she responded in pirate speak. Arg, tis true fair lass. That Affidavit will be needing filing. Do it thee and ye finest sailing ships as it must be served by 4 hours on the clock.

I am planning on starting 'Talk like a Hobo' day: you will need to mumble, run into things, and then start yelling about the government. And eat Hobo Soup (SFW-- although if you are like me, and you thought that hobo soup might actually consist of meat from the bones of hoboes--it doesnt. Sorry)

So I had a conversation yesterday with a friend about what my blog was. She asked --Oh like is it a written version of your dirty little secrets and things that people dont know about you? I said, no not really...but then started thinking that something like that might be fun. Like what if there were Juicy trading cards about things you should know about me...from things i think are funny, stupid, or dont tell people about. And then i thought, Ill do one every week (until i get bored of it).

So yeah. The first one will be tomorrow. Maybe someday Ill have them bound in a book...but i doubt it.

yah-- i finally got out of Chambers

holy hell. longest morning of my life...

So other than the "joy" which is my workplace, I went to a wedding this weekend and it pretty much ruled. It was great because it had a relaxed, short service outside AND we were drinking (awesome) then the hors d'oevers and drinks, then the dinner (and with speeches while we were eating)and then more drinking and dancing. Oh yeah, and cupcakes instead of cake... mmmm. mmm.

I didnt take many pictures...but all the ones i did take i have my mouth open... observe:






The last picture, and the ones who i dedicate this post to, are the hardworking and hard drinking people of table 15. We were the loudest table at the event, although Table 16 was unfortunately given the credit for it. Dont worry-- we challenged them to a dance off which we easily won. Table 15-- Keep chasing that rainbow.

Jer and I gave an extra special gift to the bride and groom: a jar of mint julep. ( yeah, there was a nice gift too)



The evening ended with us in the uber fancy hotel-- lighting fireworks and chucking wet toilet paper off the balcony....classay.



Anyways, pretty awesome wedding and bless you dear sweet table 15.

AAAh

I am stuck in chambers and it is the civil matters list. There is everything from bail to the securities commission to old ladies asking for money from their husbands wills. I am so bored it is not funny.

Here is something that is funny: the new courthouse has funky new glass elevators. If you are wearing a dress or flowing skirt then people on floors below you can see your underwear as it goes by.

Furthermore, I am so bored I am now trying to remember every episode of South Park.

And now I'm slowly farting. I'm sure if anyone smells it they would blame it on the fat guy to the left or the old lady to the right.

Kill me.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Well this week pretty much blew

-- actual quote from my assistant

WARNING: IM IN A CURSEY MOOD. THE C BOMB SHALL BE DROPPED MANY TIMES HEREIN. ABANDON ALL HOPE WHO ENTERS HERE.

This week has been horrible. I havent blogged because i was pretty pissy/upset/bummed and didnt want to rant on here and let everyone know what a big baby i was being.

Anyways, Im trying to be more upbeat about this shiz... i could be this guy

So remember when a few months ago I was talking about a former client who planned to turn me into the law society? Yah. She did. Now normally they just hear out the person, give them a 'tut-tut' poor you, and then do nothing. Well, this time they heard the cunt out (FYI thats what shes known by as the office now... 'the cunt') and opened a file and then called me and told me i needed to defend her allegations.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fudickity fuck fuck

Ive read her complaint now and am not worried

(actual conversation:

Juicy: (opens envelope) Hah! The stupid cunt!

Boss: What? What did she say?>

Juicy: Absofuckingloutely nothin. What a dumb cunt!)

But Im still pretty pissy that the Law Society who believes they are a neutral party had pretty much told me on the phone that they believed her and I was wrong. I asked them if they had already made up their minds-- as I wouldnt bother responding if i was already convicted in their minds-- and they took offence to this.

anyways...

I will respond to their stupid cunt letter and remain working as a lawyer... although part of me wonders if i want to be part of this profession if this what i have to deal with.

haha. like i said, Im writing today because Ive cooled down a lot. Can you imagine what i was like on Tuesday when this went down?

Look i took pictures:



So other than that, another assistant stormed out of here today and quit. Weve been through like 6 people in the last 4 months. Its a little much.

On a high note, Im eating matzoball soup right now. its tasty. Shana Tova to all the jews out there. woot woot.

I also am going to a wedding this weekend and plan on drinking myself into oblivion. And maybe driving to the cunts house and giving her a black eye. (j/k. sorta)

Today is the longest day in the history of the universe....

Im killin time like nobody's bidness today. I had discoveries scheduled for the whole freaking day...and they "called in sick" ( in quotes because its bullshit, they just dont want me to question them because they are scared...beeeeyotch!). Of course, I dont have anything to do because I finished it all yesterday because i thought id be busy all day.

I've officially run out of internet to surf. Its 1:00 in the afternoon. Im about to start randomly reading articles on Wikipedia and adding in funny shit that I make up into articles that are too boring. Dont worry...if i do, Ill be sure to link them here. I think Im going to hit a topic that I know nothing about-- like Catholic martyrs or the spawning of salmon.

I went for coffee (it sadly only too 20 minutes.) and someone in line behind me started patting the sleeves of my shirt. While this normally woulda been creepy... it was actually funny. Allow me to show why:



mmmm.... clothy

Of course, when I made eye contact with him he said to me "I like your sleeves".

In honour of Deb, I am now wearing my hair like this and asking people if they want me to take Glamour shots of them. Im trying to sell that and boondoggle bookmarks to save for college.



Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.

I think Im going to E-town this weekend. I wish I could leave now, but Ive been getting in trouble lately for leaving too early. Meh. Not my fault if 5:00 seems too late.

I still havent figured out how to upload the videos from my camera --> computer. I took one yesterday of this truck and dude in it who i was positive was an extra from 'The Road Warrior'. He was bald and weird looking and his truck...well... I managed to get some stills of the side of his truck as i drove by....



Yeah. manequin heads...