Confessions of a (former) Internet dater...

So for shits and giggles this afternoon while awaiting an important fax, I decided, quite out of the blue, to look up and see if i could find my ad/picture thingy on all the internet dating sites i useda frequent. I really used to be into it... guess it had to do with the fact that i was a bit of a shut in for those 10 months where i wasnt working and was only leaving the house to get wasted and (usually) pick up a random.

After hunting a few down, i realised something...

Fuck am i funny.

On MSN Personals as "Juicy58" I wrote that my hobbies were "working for the weekend" and "rocking like a hurricane". I also said that my favourite things were "wasting time until high again" , "back seat of a volkswagen**" and telling sinners to repent their sins.

[ ** if you dont know that reference, well, shame on you. Rent Mallrats without haste!]

On Yahoo personals, as 'fiyahwhenready' I begin by saying that my bike is cooler than their bike (likely true) but then challenged any guy to try and 'out crazy me'. Hmmm... wonder why i got so many weirdos?!?!?! No there is nothing wrong with my arms. I have no idea why i am standing like that...

For Lemontonic (under the name of Fire When Ready) I wrote the ad while so wasted i actually wrote "no bad spelers. i wont even read your message if its wrong" (without meaning to be funny). I actually had to have them email me my passcode to delete that account... as it was similar to what my password usually is, just a few keys off. On that one i also said that i had fake teeth. I mean, its true and all, but not exactly something people look for in a first date. Ohhh! Look at this girl, she sure is cute... too bad all her teeth are real. (And the picture? One part webcam, 8 parts vodka)

Firewhenready on Onion Personals lists her fave love scene as: Anything from Bend-over Boyfriend, volumes I and II. Errr..Um, I mean something tender and sweet. (i guess i decided to just put my feelings towards doing guys up the bum with strap-ons out there right away?!?!) And then i specify that "eating hot dogs is sexy; but eating corn dogs is sexier". (must be the stick that makes it so) The kicker? I write that i am looking for: "Someone who is a smartass, but also well educated and enjoys pop culture type shit. Oh, and body piercings, tattoos, and a big dick help." Interesting. I guess i forgot to add "likes strap ons in the bum". I never got any response to that ad... i always blamed the picture. Its pretty small and grainy.

Hi5 I joined because my one friend kept bugging me to join. I wasnt looking for love at all. However, I keep (to the this day) getting messages from guys who want to cyber. I dont know why.. I wrote that my hobbies include "kicking yer ass!" Maybe its the picture... its prolly one of my faves of all time...me in monaco at the grand casino

To be honest, i never really put much effort into those sites... I was a Lavalife junkie all the way. My ad was pretty good there... got me lotsa dates and a few boyfriends. I admitted to liking to build forts with pillows and running thru the sprinkler. Strangely i didnt say anything about strap ons or fake teeth... although i changed my headline daily and i did say a few times that my bike was cooler.
( i actually had quite a few on there... this was my fave)