500 is both late and early

i went to an oasis show. it ruled. why didnt they play live forever? thats my fave song. too much stimulation tonight. i wish i could sleep. better play another 2 hours of singstar.

Why am I singing the offspring and defending salt and pepper wings

And inthe bathroom again? Dude. I dinno.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Juicy's Fave Blog Posts: Year 1

Here is my 'best of' list from August 2004 to August 2005. Keep in mind that I was single for most of this, okay? (Jer didnt come in until February 2005...and yes, I tried to pick amusing versus smootchie posts so thats why he doesnt figure too prominantly)



Mexico Trip

I decide to throw stereo equipment from my balcony



Me in Belize-- what? you thought i wouldnt include even one bikini pic?

I get drunk as fuck in Canmore

Naked in a hottub. Classy. ( no-- there are no pics. Pervs.)



These chicks took part in the canmore and banff 'incidents'

Drugs, groping, alcohol and motherfucking sandwiches



who invited her to the party?

Hookers are people too....they just dont make good love interests in movies

more graph humor and song chart memes

Seriously. Y'all know that I hate that movie, right? And Julia Roberts. Seriously. Shes a whore. What are the chances that if this movie happened in reality Richard Gere would end up with Syphillis or getting shanked when he wasnt looking? Pretty high, Im guessing.

Speaking of high, go see Pineapple Express. Friggin hilarious.

So my blog is approaching 4 years old... I think for the next few days Im going to post my "best of" each year posts and then maybe steal the questions from some dumb interview i find on the internet and answer it for your amusement. Actually, my amusement. Thats really what this is all about. I mean, honestly. The last people who liked reading my blog just jettisonned me from their bloglists when i voiced disdain for her Royal Robertsness.

Ok. I better start reading my archives.

canadian medal count...

You have slept with 30 more people than the average 31 year old female.

Thanks quiz. Way to make me feel like a whore.

I am currently sitting in my office and am mildly annoyed. I tried to ask the internet to amuse me, and instead wound up feeling annoyed...and cheap.

Olympics start tomorrow. Does anyone actually care? Maybe cuz i live in Canada--the perpetual underdog of Olympic events. We are pessimistic so we are pleasantly surprised when we win a medal. Ask a Canadian to name 5 Summer Olympians and they will name 2 that exist, 2 that competed in the 1980s and one person who is actually a member of the Mens Olympic Hockey team. ( and yes, smartasses, if you answer 5 now on my blog in the comments i will know that you had to google/go to the CBC webpage to find them.)

I want to go camping this weekend. I dont think its going to happen...hence, annoyment.

I also want to go home right now.

And I want a pony.

A nice one.

With rainbow hair.

Maybe Ill have to sleep with someone to get a pony that nice.

Then I will have slept with 31 more people than the average 31 yr. old.

Actually, I look like a Socialist

Happy August, Motherfuckers!!

You totally missed out on Mint Juleps this weekend because, as it was the August Long Weekend, I was required by law to make a deeeelicious batch of those tasty treats and serve them to my friends. And yes, the price of cotton was discussed.

Today I was walking to court and some derelict (read as: fancy ass way of saying "hobo") yelled at me that i looked like a Communist. Must have been my Chairman Mao hat and giant Marx-esque beard. Wait. What?

My next hobby is about to rear its little head. (Even though my other hobbies are feeling neglected. Sorry baking pies, longboarding, and sewing *shrugs shoulders*) I have decided that yes, I am going to learn to play the bass guitar. Fun Fact: I have been saying this for approximately 12 years. Still no bass has been purchased. I actually know nothing about bass ownership or purchase ( or playing-- but thats a mere technicality to be rectified by befriending some hairy dude who works at Axe Music or Guitarworx)

So, like, if you know about bass geetars...tell me...does this look ok? Kthanksbai

Also speaking about musique, A friend of a friend was over singing on the SingStar and heard me singing...and asked me if I wanted to sing with her in her band. Finally, I am discovered via a video game. Fuckin A.

Some sad news, my little lizard Kobayashi died Sunday. I really miss the fat bastard and my living room is very empty without him. I got him for my 30th bday. Sorry to end this on a depressing note...but...yeah...

sweet salty crispy deadly

Holy shit. Have you ever had chip-nuts? these things are fucked. And by fucked i mean delicious, scrumptious, addictive, and giving me a migraine.

On other, non chip nut related news, I did in fact have a fucking good time in Vancouver. Me and B wore dresses, bought shoes and purses, ate sushi and got drunk. We also were inspired by the story of Christian the Lion and kept "recreating" the reunion seen here. The funniest part, naturally, is the song. (the video, itself actually makes me cry)

We even wore Christian the Lion tshirts to the show
(yes-- I know its a tiger, but there were no $9.00 iridecent tshirts with lions on them). And during LSF, lo and behold what was Tim Harrington (the lead singer) wearing? A tshirt with a kitten on it. ( see? also inspired by Christian the lion)



Here is another LSF picture of Tim wearing a purse as a hat and playing a broom.

More on this later....

Vancouver was an absolute fucking blast. You can see my arm and the back of my head in the above video. When Tim ( the lead singer) disappears for a while, he was busy ramming his private bits into the face of an unsuspecting asian girl. So good.

He seriously sounds like count chocula

Holy crap, so I have again been really busy and apologize in the way I always seem to do. There. Done.

So last week I didnt blog because I was a big ole ball of angry. One of my client's ex husband is appealing an Order I got at the Court of Appeal. Which is a pretty big deal. Anyways, the man is representing himself. And hes nuts. TOTALLY NUTS.

Last week, this man sent me, the Law Society ( yeah-- he reported me there. Again.) and the Court of Appeal a letter all about how I am "mentally unstable" "coco" "unhinged" that my "bedfellows are deceitful" my "phraseology is reckless" etc. etc. etc. and that he recommends that I be comitted or sent for therapy. Basically, proving that he, himself is crazy. Oh, and he sounds like Count Chocula.

So I was sooooo pissed that steam was coming from my ears. I didnt want to blog my frustrations because I knew it would all end up ok on my end... and it has. I royally kicked his ass in Court Thursday and the Justice of the Court of Appeal was pissed at him for sending them all the libellous garbage about me and gave me costs against the asshole. Maybe when hes sending me a cheque for 2500 he can really think who is unhinged and coco.

The music video I was in ended up looking pretty awesome. Im not allowed to post it here yet...but lets just say my ass and the back of my head are in every shot and look pretty bitchin.

Have I talked about my addiction to Reno 911? Yeah, I have all five seasons now on DVD. Sweeeeet. I also bought Spaced-- which is written and stars the people who were in/wrote Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Its pretty frickin awesome as well.

I go to Vancouver today to have my second Quincenera and to see Les Savy Fav. Woot!

Amy Winehouse, holy ho downs, and video vixens

Whoa. Its been a long time when you cant remember what your password is. eep.

Sorry, all. Its really flippin hard to blog in the summer. No offence. Its just that i get super busy at work ( which is when i usually blog) and then during my time off work, the last thing i feel like is hangin out with a computer. (Fuck. This guy is now going to crash on me... hes such a bitch, and yes, my computer is male)

So lemme see. A few weeks ago, back when i started being less interested in typing and more interested in playing outside, Jer and I went to Kelowna, I attempted to wake surf ( note: "attempted") and had a fucking awesome time.

On the way back, we decided to stop at a bunch of fun 'roadside attraction' type places. I finally got to go to the 3 Valley Gap ghosttown that i always wanted to stop at when i was a kid and see all the tourista crap. Its strange that people never go to tourist trap thingys in their own towns and areas..when its normally the first thing they hit up when they are in a different country. Anyways, I digress. So we went there and then to Canyon Hotsprings. While at the hotsprings, some guy called me Amy Winehouse. Um....thanks

Stampede just ended here. Thank christ. The next douchebag in a cowboy hat yelling at me to take my shirt off was going to get a fat lip. Its strange how overnight in this city everyone becomes an insta-douche. And drunk. Ok, maybe not everyone. Some people act all 'Im not going down to that level, Im waaay to hip' and do Anti-Stampede events and parties. And gets drunk. So this year, I played 'let Stampede come to me, and I will do it, otherwise I will avoid it like the plague.' oh, and I got drunk. One event i did go to was a punk rock breakfast that invloved a lot of Caesars, some definately not country music, and hay bales (note: every place from the bank to daycares have hay bales in front of them during Stampede. Totally fucked.) I also wore a belt buckle that says Texas on it most days to work. That was my Stampede. Didnt even see the fireworks.

Last Saturday I was in a music video. I wore a bikini.

Holy fuck super wordy post. Ok Im done

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits.

Ah, George Carlin. RIP. May you use the 7 words in heaven as you never were allowed on earth.

Honestly, I think Tits is the only word that i dont use in regular rotation here on the blog. I must rectify that in old George's memory. Ill try to start slippin it in when I can. (haha. Slipping in and out "tits"? That means Id be tittyfucking.)

So I went to the Virgin fest this weekend and it kicked my ass. Pretty fuckin awesome. As expected, STP put on a great show. I had heard rumours that Scott had been acting up and there were already concerns about his sobreity...but luckily they held it together long enough for me to seem them. Wow. It only took 15 years.

As usual whenever I see celebs up close I am amazed on how tiny they are. Seriously, that guy was prolly 100 pounds soaking wet. This links to a video someone took of them on Saturday. Pretty damned cool, man.

Speaking of tits*, the Flaming Lips were surreal. I have never wished I was on mushrooms in public in all my life. Between Wayne Coyne's hamsterball, the flashlight holding teletubbies and all the balloons and confetti, it may have been the oddest show I have ever seen. I was really happy on the amount of people that seemed to know the words of their songs (and not just the ones that are commercials). Sing along to Yoshimi battles the Pink Robots here with me and my Calgarian kin. (*there were tits,actually ... three naked chicks jumped on stage with them)

Despite being one of the first acts of the day, the Fratellis also had a great lively show. Maybe its just the scottish accent which always melts me, but I really enjoyed them and have since bought their album and a have a Tshirt on order on Ebay. (no Vfest videos on youtube, sorry) I also ran into them later in teh show and told the drummer that i heart them.

The suprise of the day was Face to Face, who were the sole punk act of the 'Fest. They put on a great set with lotsa energy and made some jabs at the people who were just there waiting for Three Days Grace (aka band that plays on commercial radio and had a legion of teen fans there) to play.

Most people who would blog about VFest would also complain that the beer garden and piss lines were too long. Neither really affected me. I was too excited about the music to get wasted and miss everything.

Ways to get hated

Post this on the Hamlet2 website

June 19, 2008 1:13 PM | juicya writes:
Ok-- first it sucks that because Im Canadian I cannot see the redline trailer... who knew that not having a US drivers would get me in the end

second-- dear Jesus Freaks: Obviously this movie isnt for you. Pizz off. Shouldnt you be sucking Mel Gibson's cock right about now?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have realised something: I think I am a Coldplay fan. I know a lot of people hate on them for various reasons and people who, generally, love Radiohead think they are a big rip off. Ive never thought that. In fact, I think i actually like them. I have never purchased an album, but know the lyrics to most of their songs and really cant seem to stop singing Violet Hill.

Im sorry if this changes your opinion of me. If so, please also feel free to suck Mel Gibson's cock.

Im going to Virgin Festival with my sister this weekend. She is sort of a virgin, music wise. I think the only concert she has seen was Reba MacIntyre back in the 1990s. Hopefully Scott Weiland wont be picked up for Heroin use in the next 48 hours. Im also excited to see the Fratellis and Flaming Lips. Woot Woot.

In case you are keeping track

I am cheering for:

1. France at World Cup



2. Jesse on the Bachelorette



3. That blonde chick on Shot of Love II




These are things which i have been asked more than five times in the last day. (Note: 4 of the 5 questions were about World Cup. I picked them because my grandma is from there and Poland is not very good. No one actually asked me about Shot of Love, I just really like that show and Jer is "dissapointed" that I like to watch it)

This weekend I went to a Bat Mitzvah with a theme of 'A night at the Roxbury' (yeah-- that head bobbing movie) It was fun, yet, unlike the movie there were no references to doing cocaine. Likely because most of the attendees were 13. I tried my best to get shitface wasted... I only managed to get kinda drunk.

I wore the Fucking Sweet dress, yet did not manage to take any pictures of me wearing it. ( I felt bloaty, to be honest...and did not want to remember it on my fatness)

Italy just scored. Boo-urns.

I am going to Kelowna for the long weekend...you know what that means? Yep. More bikini pictures of yours truly.

LSF + Juicy A = World peace

I am 40 ft tall and I eat clouds

I just had a crazy person in my office. Never to be outdone, while he was telling me his life story, my notes were not actually transcribing what he was saying, but writing random things (such as the title above) I also wrote "please stop please stop oh for the love of humanity please stop"

I just ate some cold pizza. It was pretty dried out and i couldnt actually tell what kind it was. Pineapple maybe? I think that was a red pepper. I think I now know why I was told to eat it. Mental note: Dont trust a man with his own pool cue, or people giving away free pizza.

Yesterday I went to the dentist. Look, no cavities. Oh, except for the fact that I will likely need some major orthodontic shit done ( imagine a dentist with cartoon dollar signs in his eyes)all is good. I really dont think I have the ego to get braces at 31. Seriously.

Yesterday my sweet heavenly sewing machine arrived. I am going to the fabric store today to get some shit to start sewing. Maybe this new hobby will quell my current hobby-- becoming really involved with Shot of Love II.

I bought a fucking sweet outfit today. FUCKIN SWEET.

I blasted this post out in less than 3 minutes. Booyah

Can you Fly me over yesterday?*

Ok. So I planned to post more today but got stuck doing work. This whole 'working' thing has really gotten in the way of my bloggin, procrastinating, purchasing things i do not need on the internet, and reading about celebrity gossip. Bullshit.

So heres what else i planned to write earlier today:

I hada dream last night that me and Andre Benjamin were fighting Zombies. I was all kicking ass and impaling sharpened staircase railings in their eyes( naturally) and then all of a sudden, Rose McGowan told me that Mrs. Dingleberry (no, not her real name...but it should be) a very annoying client of mine was on the phone and wanted to know if her husband's lawyer had called. Gawd. I can even have kickass zombie dreams without work fucking it up.

(Note: Add to 'To do list' that I should Write a movie starring OutKast and involving a bored family lawyer who kills Zombies with parts of her stairs.)

Im going to Vancouver in July ( as part of Juicy's summer Concert Series) to see Les Savy Fav...and naturally, to hang out with Best Friend Vancouver, Weeiner. It has been decided that we need to have a second Quincenera-- Called Quincenera II: The Quintessential Quincenera and I now need a new party dress to wear to it.



Its not every day a girl turns fifteen... but its at least once a year

I believe it will be quite awesome.

I also have a Bat Mitzvah this Saturday. Apparently I will need a dress for this as well. Killing two excuses to shop with one stone...

(* The last two titles are from Damn Yankees' hit High Enough. A truly emotional ballad which I was singing last Friday at the Fabulous Tropicana)

Can you take me high enough?

Its a really good thing I didnt have my Visa on Friday, or in drunken brilliance I would have bought the 'Rock Ballads' Cd set they were advertising on the TV at the bar. I was singing along to such favourites as 'Carrie' by Europe, 'Sarah' by Starship, 'Kyrie' by Mister Mister...and other great 80s songs with girl's names as the titles. I really am glad I didnt have another drink and shop experience, especially one where I would receive another CD reminder every two weeks.

Then again, it says Id spend hundreds of dollars trying to find all these classics in one place...maybe I should rethink it after all.

The weekend was pretty much a write off. The most constructive thing I did all weekend was shower and wash my hair Saturday. The rest of the time I was cooking, watching movies, or having PMS induced battles with people. It has literally fucking rained for two weeks straight. I dont recall moving to England, so this is alarming to me.

I still havent gotten my sewing machine. I will though. Oh, yes.

Heres some more stuff that i hate

I dont know how many times ive watched that today.

(FUN FACT!: I just realised the amount of 'Diabetes' songs and remixes good ole Wilf has on Youtube. I think i found a new passion...)

There was something that I was going to tell you about. Now its gone....gone...gone...

Oh wait

Lilacs. I fucking hate them. They are total assholes. Oh, Look at me. Im a fucking scented purple flower. Blah Blah. Everyone loooooves me. Oh, fuck you, you pretentious fuck.



Fucking Assholes. Just look at them.


Bet you never heard someone yell at a flower before. Hah! You got no idea.
Wait til you see me around strawberries. Now thats a plant I can totally get my hate on about. (Im allergic to them, by the way, and our neighbourhood is full of them. I spend most of my drive home with my arm out the window cuz Im giving them the finger. )

Did I mention how kickass our garden is going to be? It is. Fucking superstar. I think I am going to take over the northwest with Zuchini plants. Because they are coming up gangbusters.

I plan on picking up a sewing machine any day now. Then i will be able to make my own Project Runway-esque creations. Kickass.

A girl that I was friends with when I was dating super ex ( and she was dating best friend of super ex) contacted me via facebook and wants to hang out. Im totally game...although i think it may be a leeetle weird. She is now married to best friend of super ex and he is still best friends with super ex...and super ex's wife. I know, I should just strap on some balls and not think about that... but Im just worried of an awkward moment where 'his' or 'her' name may come up in conversation and it'll be like one of those scenes in a movie....y'know, this one:

.....crickets chirp....

Yeah. Aw fuck it. I think it would be fun to see em again.

Im sorry Im so fucking curse-y. I think cuz its supposed to rain again this weekend and Im fucking sick of the rain. Almost as nauseating as those fucking Lilacs.

Fucking June, already?

Wow. Its Fucking June. Wow. Time flies when your, uh, um....working and sleeping and taking antibiotics.

So I missed a few blog-able events over the past two weeks that I guess should be mentioned.

1. I may have turned 31. Meh. The highlight was that Jer bought me SingStar (the GuitarHero of singing) and I rocked that fucker like a motherfucking storm. I can sing Creep by Radiohead to 99% perfection.

2. I may have pneunomia. Yeah. Seriously. Most people would had taken this as a sign to stay home from work more than one day. Most people would be right in doing such. Yeah. I aint most people. (ps. I am actually coughing up blood. No, there is no punchline on this. I am. Really. The doctor sed so)

3. I saw the first show of the "Ultimate Summer of Concerts of Juicy A"-- the Hives. They fucking ruled and put on a great show. Jer thought it was an all ages show when we got there. I confirmed that no, thats just what 18 year olds look like. Fuck man, do you know they arent even old enough to have listed to Nirvana while Kurt Cobain was alive? Faaaaaaaack.

4. I saw Indiana Jones. I may have come a little in my pants.

5. I saw this trailer. I may have peed a little. (Its the 'all ages trailer', but if you go to the website you can see the R Rated one (which is hilarious) but I cant post on here because I dont have an American drivers license)



6. I may be so done with this numbering of paragraphs thing