This is sad. ( or the 5 stages of my work induced insanity)

I havent written in a week. Boy do i suck. Work has been pretty friggin crazy this week...in a firm with 9 lawyers, 5 are on vacation. And being the most junior here, I inherited all of their files for the next week or two. So besides trying to keep my clients from killing their exes, stealing their children, or breaking into tears I am also consulting on wills and estates, trying to get judgments from France registered, and helping people who have been arrested from breaching restraining orders...while trying to remain sane/professional in the process. Fuck.

Guess what. It aint happening. On Tuesday the little switch in my brain clicked from "SANE" to "INSANE". I found myself putting post-it notes on everything (cross referenced by colour and number, of course) and then started making lists.... and then a master list for all the lists....then a master list for all the post-its...then, well, fuck you get it.

However, on Wednesday, the OCD/ compulsive/ Type A personality was replaced by her more destructive cousin... Princess Apathy. Instead of getting to work at 830, I woke up at 830. I ended up leaving at 1230 and going for an hour lunch with Jer and decided to work from home at 330. It was like I expended all my energy on Tuesday and all that remained was this shell of a person...who just wanted to hang out, sleep, and maybe jack off.

Thursday I was a different sort of wreck. Although i got a lot done and finished a lot of stuff that has been hovering over me for weeks, I was an idiot. I couldnt stop giggling at everything. I had a phone call with the Minister of Child Welfare and i kept cracking jokes....he actually laughed too. (although i stopped short of calling him "dude". I seem to call opposing counsel that all the time and one of these times im going to get in shit) I also wore my bright red flip flops all day. I never noticed it either. Im sure my assistant did, but prolly let it go because she knows im under some stress.

Today. Im efficient (save for the 15 minutes ive been typing this). Ive delegated a lot of stuff (makes me feel like a grown up when i get to call people into my office and give them timelines and such...although not too much of a grown up cuz im still wearing my flip flops.)

Its the long weekend this weekend, and i think i deserved it. Next week will likely also be hell...but at least only 4 days of it. This weekend Im going to drink, get stoned, and break shit. And maybe help Jer build a deck.

im at kinkos

what a rush!

jer is printing out posters and im sneaking a computer to blog. i have decided that i am going to make myself a giant banner for the anniversary of my blog... but what will it say?

any suggestions?

[ps you should see the types that hang out at kinkos on a friday night... me and the boy included...]

As busy as a beaver

Ug. who knew that work was going to be such a drag on my social life and blogging priorities?

Or... did i really just write this post cuz i wanted to use the word "beaver" ? hee hee.

I said it... i did it.

Its official. I made it to stampede. No, I didnt actually see any of the cowboys or anything, but i did see some animals, ride some rides, and eat a shitload of food [if it could be categorized as such] at the Fairgrounds. The highlights:

-- Drinking. Yeah, we drank a few caesars and I had a G and T in the Casino while Jer lost 20 bux playing Blackjack within the timespan of approx. 2 minutes. [ Okay: so the first time we went to the casino in May he got mad at me because my "hovering" was making him lose.... now this time he said that he got a good card when i was there, but they went to crap when i left. Buddy. Make up yer friggin mind!] I got a bit of a buzz from the drinkie poos... mostly i think cuz it was hot and sunny and maybe also cuz we were pretty stoned when we got there.

--BBQ steak on a bun. Mmmm. I cant explain how tasty this was with words alone. But the fact that I ate 2 of them [after donuts, corndog, pickle-kabob, and beef jerky] should give you an idea.

--Ride o' Rama: I friggin love rides. Especially the Gravitron [y'know that thing that spins like a dryer and then you stick to the wall]. Jer managed to barter the ride operators into letting us on for free or when we didnt have enough tickets [insert joke here about his religious upbringing]. We also snuck into the grounds and managed to avoid the hefty entrance fee... yet still managed to spend close to $100 while we were there.

--mini donuts [drooooool].

-- the "infomercial" place: y'know, where companies that have things that are "as seen on TV" for sale and do little demos to show you how miraculous their product is. I never saw it, but apparently the dudes selling this one mop were pretty convincing-- like half the people we saw on the grounds were carrying them. We hit up the demos for the personal massager [actually kinda made me horny, however there was no handicapped washroom nearby for us to get it on in], foot massager, and massage chair people for demos. The lowlight of the day was the creepy sleazeball guys selling the chairs...who told me that the chairs were pretty expensive and that my mommy or daddy would have to buy me one with their Visa if I liked it. Cunt! Im a fucking lawyer and i could buy and sell your greasy ass!

--the animals: i gotta pet a baby pig, a cow, a Bison, and some horsies. Immediately after gooshing about how much i love animals, i ate another steak.

--The Fun House: The funniest thing i may have seen in the last year-- my big hulking macho stud of a boyfriend screeching like a little girl when this mask of an alien jumped out at him. I nearly peed my pants. He kept pushing me in front of him and cowering behind me for the rest of the house. Too fucking funny!

So that was stampede. Yeah, it was pretty fun...and worth it. I prolly would go again. Maybe i'd buy one of those mops next year. And more of those steaks....

I seen another movie: Fantastic 4

Okay. Time for geek girl to geek out about comics... well, no not really. I dont want to become the Comic Book Store Guy from the Simpsons [which i keep telling Jer he is slowly becoming] Worst Episode ever...not to worry, i was voicing my distaste on the internet moments later.... However, I am thinking about getting a T-shirt that says "Im so blogging about this later" because i find myself thinking that a lot these days... i digress

Comments on Fantastic 4:

1. Ringo was the hot one [haha. i love Ringo references...but alas, the wrong Fab 4]

2. Are we really supposed to believe that Jessica Alba is a scientist? Isnt she like 19? And how is she the High School sweetheart of a dude who looks like hes pushing 40? Dont get me wrong, i dont really mind her... she was good in Sin City...because she was playing someone who was 18.

3. [Geek moment Warning!] Hellloooo? Dr. VonDoom was NOT in the same accident as the 4 in the space ship! Isnt this common knowledge? Jer [my beloved comic book reading geek god] also says that he didnt kill anyone in the books becuz Dr. Von Doom believed in the sanctity of life... ok. that one was beyond me.

4. Cheezy shot of the Statute of Liberty at the end was, well, cheezy.

5. I like when there is a hot badguy in movies. mmmmmm... hot bad guy [drool]

6. It was filmed in Vancouver. I got to play spot-the-landmark for a while. The end fight scene took place a few blocks from my old job at Immigration.

7. Michael Chiklis played the Thing. I really liked that show the Commish when i was a kid.

Ok. Thats all. See the movie if you like. I think there is at least someone for everyone to drool over: the chick in a lycra suit with "accidental" cleavage shots, the cute/macho boy with the clever one liners, the smart one, and, oh course... sexy evil guy...mmmmm.

Ignorami

The world is full of people who are ignorant. That is, they are stupid or obnoxious or just a plain old idiot...but have no idea that they are. Maybe they are wilfully blind to their stupidity... i dunno. Im not going to get totally into that.

I think what im pissing and moaning about comes from a few run-ins with el stupidos i had yesterday and the day before:

First, occurred in the breakfast line at McDonalds. I usually dont eat at McDs...but dang! those sausage mcmuffins are like crack. So here is the issue: say you are given a very large order of food to pick up at Rotten ronnies...say for your office or school or Star-trek convention...what would you do? I dunno, maybe its just me, but i surely wouldnt take the HUGE list to the drive thru. 25 minutes. Yeah thats right. I sat in my car for TWENTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES waiting for the car in front of me to place its large order and then get all 11 bags. And because its a drive thru, my car [which is not an SUV or Hummer by any means and could drive over the enbankment to freedom] was trapped in the line up. I just think that you cant be too smart to spring a large order like that on the teens behind the window and then expect unsusspecting motorists [who just need that mcmuffin in its crack like goodness] to patiently wait.

The next one happened a few days ago... someone was moving into my building and rented a Uhaul van. Not one of those cutesy little ones...but one the size of a bus. I went into the parking lot to get into my car to go to Jer's for some lovin'...and noted that the van was not only blocking my car from getting out of the parking lot... but was actually touching it. As i was swearing up a storm, a few other people in my building came out, and also noted that they were stuck in the p-lot until the van moved. But where was the driver? Me and my swarthy band of angry just-wanna-get-the-fuck-out men went searching thru the building for the culprit. We found the people...sitting on their couch...watching TV...and with the appearance that they didnt plan on moving the van any time soon. Being the rational silver tongued litigator that i am [ha!] I asked them to move it in a polite yet demanding way... "oh, do you need me to right now?" was my response.

These people were inconsiderate...maybe just need to be indoctrinated by some episodes of the Care Bears or Sesame Street...but the kicker happened yesterday when i went to buy some chips at the local convienence store: There was a major train crash in Pakistan yesterday, over 100 have been killed. Quite a sad story. The TV in the store was showing pictures of it and i was watching it with the girl behind the counter. Some guy came in, bought a pack of gum, motioned to the TV and said "Serves those bastards right for blowing up London".

I rest my case. Throw my hands in the air. Shrug my shoulders. Shake my head. And take a deep breath. Ignorami of the world, I cant beat you... you are too numerous and your power too deep.

Ug.

Insomnia.

Nausea.

Writers block.

Bloaty.

Sorry Ive been less than amusing. Apparently all the work Ive been doing plus the heat minus any merriment in the way of Stampede has made juicy a pretty boring girl.

I'll try harder later... blah. I guess i should add

Apathetic.

Stampede: Day 4

Yes, I survived my first weekend of Stampede. It was a little touch and go there for awhile, but i seem to have come out of it almost unscathed.

So in 28 years of life, there are some of life's little lessons that have somehow passed me by: I still tailgate, I still tell boys i love them before they tell me, and i still think its a good idea to drink heavily in the hot sun.

I went to an infamous party on Saturday at a house known as 'Rock Central' (because bands would use the place as a flop house between tours) which consisted of a bunch of indie and punk rock calgary getting wasted and listening to some wikked bands for some 12 hours in the sun. I wish i could tell you more about the party, but it all kinda blurs together. I drank, I danced, I saw some dude get naked and get on stage, I made some friends...prolly made some enemoes too, I ran around like an idiot, I challenged guys twice my size to drinking contests, and i think i smashed some things.

Then, my pal Kurt showed up and we went to the gay bar (and that honestly is all i can remember about it...getting there.)

Then, at midnight, I went and saw Batman with Jer...and promptly passed out/fell asleep in the theatre. I think i saw Batman's parents dying... Thats it. I hear its an ok movie.

Woke up at 230 pm on Sunday. Drank some gatorade. Hated my life.

Stampede thus far:
Pancakes eaten: 0
Pancakes attempted to be eaten, but discouraged by long line up: 1
Indo-china Stampede Breakfast attended because the line up wasnt long at all: 1
Days spent drinking in the sun: 1
Beers drank: unknown... somehow got into a chugging contest..anyone's guess really.
Bottles of cheap vodka and sprite consumed: 1
Hangover: still present
Rodeo?: I hear its happening somewhere...

Stampede: Day 1

It already begins... the assistants and paralegals have been drinking coffee with booze in it downstairs and they are all wasted. My paralegal just came in here and asked if i wanted to see her Irish Dance. Its 10 am. Its gonna be a long week.

I better go get me some of that Kaluha before those girl drink drunks finish it all...

As God as my witness... I will eat pancakes this year!!

Those of you outside the Calgary area may not know what is meant by the word "stampede". Yes, it is something involving cattle being put into a corral or something about cows running awry...but here in Alberta, it also means something more. It means 10 days of hard drinking any type of beer, shooter, cooler that passes your lips [although you arent much of a drinker], 2-stepping with strange similarily drunk males at 4 am [although you hate country music], and soaking up your hungover-didnt-get-to-bed-until-6-am stomach with greasy sausages and pancakes in the morning [although you arent much of a partier]. With all this drunken partying, its not surprising that pretty much anyone can get laid during stampede. Oh yeah, and there is some sort of rodeo going on too.

The adage for stampede is you drink triples, see double, and act single. Well, as I often say, Im a slut, but im not a cheater...so it appears that i wont be joining the literal orgy that will be happening in my fair city for the next week, which im quite ok with. I think over the past 2 stampedes I scored enough to satisfy me. Im not one to brag, but i hooked up with 2 different guys in my first stampede experience [one being dumbass...who i shoulda turfed when stampede was over instead of dating for 4 more months and letting him ruin my life....however, i digress] and with 4 different guys last year. What can i say, people get drunk, messy...and horny.

This year i have a new plan for Stampede: I will actually make it to the fairgrounds and see some sort of cowboy/rodeo type thing...and i will make it to a goddamned pancake breakfast. Let me explain the great pancake breakfast of stampede-- it usually starts at an ungodly early time...like 645 am...and lines up fast. Like if you arent in line by 700, you are prolly going to be waiting until 800 for those 2 little sausages and 2 fat blobs of dough. By about 730, it can be really sunny and warm too...and they will naturally be blasting some horrible twangy country music. Doesnt sound too bad? Wrong. You forgot: you will horribly hung over [as, yes, i am right now] and excessively tired. For these reasons, I have never made it to one of those damn breakfasts. The most amusing part? You will feel like absolute shit after you eat the pancakes...likely puke or have bad diarrea...but then will turn to your nearest compadre and ask "When do you want to start drinking again?".

Ah Stampede. Why must only come once a year? Then again, I really dont like pancakes at all.

An Interview with Juicy A

In the spirit of Karla Homolka's 20 minute interview en francais about how she is not a psycho killer even though she willingly assisted her husband drug, rape, and murder her little sister and other innocent girls, here is an interview meme that i decided to do (courteous of Carrie over at www.lackofinnocence.blogspot.com)

Here's how it works:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So here are my questions:

1) What is the kinkiest thing you have ever done? Details please!

Dang. You want me to qualify all the kinky stuff Ive done and pick one? I've done quite a lot too... one of my hobbies seems to be humping in public...and then there are all the tricks in the green suitcase under my bed... wait... Okay. Here goes:

S and M Club ...dressed in bondage and wearing my collar and leash... got a little frisky with the guy i was with and ended up humping pretty much behind the bar. And yes, I do believe there were quite a few viewers ( they prolly thought it was part of the show). I was pretty wasted at the time, though, so does it count?

2) If you could have a superpower, what would it be and why?

Being that i really like comic books and cartoons, this is another toughie. I'd really like to be Storm or Rogue, or maybe have Super-sayan strength a la Vegeta and Goku from Dragon Ball Z [ whoa! lookit me geek out!] But i think that stopping time would be pretty cool. Y'know like only i would be able to continue doing stuff? I could like work out and drive places really far, like to Brazil, for the weekend. If i was in court and i got stumped, i could stop time, run back to the office, do more research and go back. I think it would rock. I guess id also need the power to exclude other people too, so i wouldnt be bored.

3) What do you check out first? The face or the butt (or something else)?

Haha. Honestly? The finger. I dont mess with married dudes. Then the shoes. I have this theory that you can really tell what a person is like by their shoes. Like a guy who is preppy may buy a hoodie or a tee shirt with a punk band on it...but will he really go out any buy really wikked skateshoes? unlikely. Also, when you deal with dorks in suits all day, shoes really make some people stand out as individuals. I dont like boring guys, so thats a pretty good place for me to look.

4) If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be and why?

If i could change one thing...I wouldnt have agreed to do this interview if i knew that you would ask this question. [haha! bet ya didnt see THAT coming!] I really try to live without thinking about what ive done wrong in the past... it bums me out. Lets say, for the sake of being a good interviewee, I woulda worn underwear today. Cuz its warm out...and wool pants get sweaty.

5) What is your dream vacation?

Me, my boy, a lot of booze, a beach, the ocean....and a pile of cocaine. [c'mon...its not illegal if you're on vacation..right?!?! haha!] However, if i won some money and could fly anywhere in the world, id prolly go to Japan. I like sushi, sumo, and Godzilla films.

Tada! In the spirit of dear Karla again, Id also like to say that i hope these questions dont make you think im a danger to the public....

The Official Day of my trying to get my Shit together

Approximately at the beginning of every month, I decide im going to get my shit together. Its usually on the 1st Monday of the month right after i check my account balance and contemplate all the other expenses i have in the next few days...

However, by the 10th or 12th day of the month, Ive totally pitched the list and pretty much forgotten what i was planning to do, and why. Ive also noticed that the lists that i make are on post-its...usually numbered as to 'importance'...and usually become de facto coasters or doodlepads at some time in the month. They also lose their stickiness and usually end up on the floor. So to prevent me from losing this month's list... i will post it here... lets see if i actually complete any of this shit:

1. Fix Shoes -- last year at Stampede [which was almost exactly a year ago...Stampede starts this Thursday] i tripped over a hay bale/ beer trough/ passed out individual while intoxicated and pulled the sole right off my faux cowboy boots. I paid $11.00 for those bad boys and fixing them will likely cost double that, however they are a neccessary evil if you want to pull off the cheesy cowgirl look that i so admire. I also have to fix my black sandals being that i broke a heel in them last Thursday when i played hooky from work and ended up humping Jer in the bushes along the river.... however, i digress...

2. Exercise more -- This is always on my list. Prolly on everyones list. It goes together with #3 "Eat better". Yes, I try to kickbox still twice a week...but the problem is that i normally only make it to one class because of work. I still live in fear that some day, when im not watching it, my ass is going to flop and then I'll be screwed. The food thing... well, after a long weekend where i had the munchies more than a few times, i always feel like i eat a lot of crap. The remedy?: for the next 2 days i will eat salads for lunch. By Wednesday, I'll be back to Swiss cheese crackers and fried chicken.

4. Cancel Visa-- this is a new one. I havent seen my Visa in a few days. Prolly should cancel it.

5. Consolidate debts-- also a fairly new one. I owe a lot of people money. I'm thinking to prevent muthafuckin Guido from coming to break my legs I should somehow manage them all in a better way. Have just one massive payment instead of 8,000 piddly ass little ones. Oh, and make it direct debit so i dont need to think about it.

6. Call best friends-- My best friends live in Vancouver and Toronto. I havent seen either in over a year...and havent called either in about 6 months. Yah. I suck.

7. Go to the doctor (with "!?!?!?" next to it) I'm not a hypochondriac, but i always think im sick or allergic to something...yet never actually go to a doctor. Usually the headaches/red bumps/sinus pain goes away and i never bother going. I prolly have typhoid/hanta virus/ yellow fever or something and have been infecting tons of people without even knowing it.

8. Do drycleaning. Blah. Its not going to happen. Give up already, Juicy... just buy new clothes.

9. Fix holes in wall. Remember this day? [ http://juicya.blogspot.com/2004/12/frank-tank-returns.html ] I still havent fixed the holes. Really need to do that.

We'll thats that. Let's see what [if any] i actually accomplish.