Bouncy

So its nearing the end of the year, Ill have to do a 'year in review' post soon, but, as most people may know, I frickin hate Jers computer and its a real pain to type things out on it. I actually think part of the reason why (note I said 'part') my drunk blogs make so little sense is that i cant work this thing.

So my holiday thus far: last friday i went out with Jer and got undeniably and seriously fucked up. We hit a bunch of bars, had some drinks, did some drugs, and then danced until 6 am. I was going to try to blog, but by the time we came home i was having some serious freak-out issues and instead laid on the floor of my bedroom trying to measure my pulse, because i thought i was having a heart attack. yeah. The place we stayed most of the night used to be a gay bar and I thought it still was...which is why i was so weirded out when all the men i was dancing with started hittting on me. Maybe it was the drugs ( likely it was) but i felt like a little bunny in a room full of wolves.

We went to Edmonton for Christmas. My dad got drunk and wouldnt stop talking, My mother tried to make us eat. Not much new there.

So on boxing day I was taking some toys down stairs for my nephew at my sis' house. She had just got new hardwood floors which i found particularily slippery. Add a to b and yes, while carrying the stuff downstairs I fell down her set of stairs. No. I didnt fall. I fucking BOUNCED on my back down the stairs. Three days later it still fucking kills and my legs, arms, and back are all bruised. I look like someone beat me with a 4X4. My sister suggested i change my name to 'bouncy' from 'juicy' after my little stunt. FAAAAHK.

So new years approaches. I have no idea whats on the menu. Hopefully it will involve non-slip floors.

Hes Making a list, checking it twice...

Its a Hoff-mas Miracle!



So the hours are counting down to the last work day of the year. Fuck man, I really need it.

I did get my Christmas bonus and its very very very sweeeet. Damn straight, it better be. To celebrate I bought a bottle of Baileys and we have all been drinking it for the last hour. My assistant is already looking a little drunk.

Today Jer and I are going to get very drunk after im done at noon. Tomorrow is Hannukah...then to my parents on Sunday. Ill prolly stay there a few days, then will be back to loaf in luxury at my house.

So, in case i dont blog until then, Im wishing everyone:

- Good Tidings

- Cheer

- Not too much weight gain from the holiday eating ( Fun fact: Although i gained 4 llbs in the last year, my body fat index went down 2%. Cool, huh?)

- Many kinky sexual experiences wherein you have a mind blowing orgasm

-Victory to the Oilers.



Have a kickass holiday, everyone!

HNT: We wreath you a Merry Christmas

Doesnt this picture just show how fashion forward I am? Or just maybe that Ive been dipping a little too much Rum in my eggnog while Im at work.

Have a happy one, especially to everyone nekkid, half-nekkid, semi-nekkid, partially nekkid, thinking nekkid and, last but not least, Osbasso...

A song for the holidays

(written while I was on the phone with the other counsel on a particularily nasty file... and no, I really wasnt paying attention to what she was saying. )
Jingle bells, This place smells
Just like wee-wee,

Oh what shit it is to be
In Family court today, HEY!

Go to Hell, You stupid ass
Why cant we adjourn,

I dont care that you dont want
that clause in the order form, OH!

Jingle Bells, This place feels
Like a special hell,

Three more days til Chrimas Break,
And my sorrows I can drink away....HEY!

Its beginning to look a lot like...

...SHITMAS.

(Dont worry, the dog only licked the icing off of half the cookies...)

Guess what i did this weekend? If you guessed got stoned and made cookies, you'd be half right. I also sang along with the Sound of Music.

Jer was away at a hockey tourney, so i had the house to myself. And I pretty much layed on a couch most of the day. Apparently being totally stressed about everyone's Christmas access for their children takes a lot out of you. I feel like i have been run down by a reindeer.

Furthermore, [ insert bitching about the fact that I havent blogged in almost a week.]

Do you know that i sat awake until 100 am last night stressed about work and wondering what i would blog today? Yup. Looks like I didnt think of anything too creative.

Until nest week,
Juicy

Fuck I hate the holidays

People are really squeezing the living shit out of any possible holiday spirit i may have with all the courtroom shit i need to do...

That being said, I am sending out Christmas cards for work this weekend....and decided that I will also send them to people I actually like. After realising that I dont like anyone, I decided that Ill send them to people who ask. So... if you wanna get a card and some various crap and goodies in the mail from me, email me at juicya@drugsmakemecool.com I dont know what im going to send, but i promise it will be something that will make you cry, then scream, then swear, then break into a tiny jig, then shit yer pants, then be embarrassed, then dance some more, then call your elected official and ask them if they like cheese. Yah. THAT good.

You have until Friday. God speed.

Holy crap only 2 weeks...

until this diabolical character comes down the chimney....


(I recommend going here and witnessing the horror that is Santa...)

We had our work Christmas party on Friday...in fact, we closed the office so we could have it. Pretty cool, huh? I started drinking at 100 and was home, wasted, in bed by 930pm. I dont think I horribly embarrassed myself, although I was pretty intoxicated, was throwing up most of the day and answered every question asked of me with 'More shooters!'. One of the good thing about a really small office with people that are cool, is that everyone gets wasted, forgets what they did, and then cant bug others about their behaviour.

My house is infested with vermin. We have a mouse problem and Digi hasnt taken it upon himself to rid the place of any more mice. Jerk. I can hear them in the walls at night and the lazy bum just keeps on napping. I either will be getting a cat soon, or moving cuz I cant handle it. Its pretty gross when all your stuff is covered in mouse shit.

I hate being this busy at work. I dont understand why everyone hates each other that little bit more at Christmas.

My 2 fave shows [ Top Model and Runway] are over now. What will i do without reality tv? I guess i can watch re-runs of Flavour of Love 2, but all those women scare me. Although I think i am going to act more like Buckwild in my life , cuz she cracks me up. She voluntarily leaves the show cuz ' she is afraid dat she will bust her probation by fighting wid dat Noo York bitch'. Awesome.

Janice Dickinson Twelve Days of Christmas

gawd shes creepy...and awesome

Dramatization Only

( Yeah, so we installed a new spam blocker and i havent had any funny spam emails lately. Sorry. Looks like funny random titles are done]

Anyway, I was watching the tv last night and i saw a commercial for Energizer where the pink bunny boosts a spaceship for some aliens. At the bottom of the screen it read " Dramatization only". Ohhhhhh. So if my space ship breaks down, I cant actually use a pink drum playing rabbit to start it up. Its a good thing they cleared that up for me before i tried it. Idiots.

Last night was my final project night for my drama class. I know i havent said much about it since the first class... but its kinda hard to explain some of the stuff. Oh, we looked at each other...then we had to turn away or say a word or move closer. It was dramatic. (See? Doesnt really work in print.) Anyhoo, last night i did just that and i think it worked out well. The director of the theatre actually asked me if i intended to audition any time soon for any pieces at the theatre, because I have a 'natural stage prescence' and i 'out shined' the rest of the class.

{blush) I shit you not.

I told her i thought it was a little premature for me to get into auditioning just yet... but i did sign up for another class next term.

Tonight the Oil play the most hated Carolina Hurricanes. The team that made me cry. I hate them for that. Im worried that the oil are missing some of their best players from injuries...but I dont think thats an excuse for us not to give an asswhupping. Stupid Hurricanes.

At the same time, the Top model finale will be on. Go Caridee go!

A post in 60 seconds

cuz thats all the time i have today. Its super busy. Here is why:

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PARENTS OF CALGARY WHO DO NOT RESIDE IN THE SAME RESIDENCE

Hi Fuckwads

Holy fucking shit people. Would it be so hard on you if you werent an asshole and let [the other parent] see the kids over Christmas break? Honestly. Its going to cost you upwards of 5000 to go to Court, plus give your poor lawyer an ulcer trying to get all this shiznit filed. And really, do you think its easy on the poor kids? Sorry little Johnnny, Daddy doesnt get to see you this Christmas. Instead you can stay here at the condo with mommy and her new friend and his 3 children. No. Daddy wont be sitting at our old house all alone... he has a bottle of Jack Daniels with him.

In closing, SMARTEN THE FUCK UP!

That is all.

I think this post took closer to 3 minutes cuz I had to answer the phone once while typing.

Factually yours

Fun fact: Jer and I may be buying ourselves a Wii for Christmas. I already can anticipate the copies amounts of drugs that will be taken and Doritos which will be consumed during the week i have off between Christmas and New Years. Yes!

Today pretty much is a totally shitty day. Im so frickin tired, coffee aint working, and its crazyy bizzay off the hizzay here in my office. Im actually quite bitchy too and cant type worth a shit. I took three tries to type 'actually'.

So the weekend was a big 'meh'. I saw the Tenacious D movie and if you are a fan, watch it man...if not, prolly wait for video. Can I just admit here for all to see and read that i have a strange sexual obsession for Jack Black? Yeah. So not joking. Something about that short rotund little foul mouthed rocker makes me horny.

Fun fact: I am attracted to both Jack Black AAAAANNNDD Jack White. Isnt that funny? Or not. Im frickin delirious from being tired right now.

I bought this eyemake-up thats supposed to make my eyes look better or something. I dunno, it said 'specially designed for hazel eyes'... what do you think?


I think someone got screwed out of 10.99.

The Digit sat on Santa's lap on Saturday. It was pretty fucking darling. I dont want to be one of those people who dress their dogs up, and call them their children and such...but yeah, I have the pic sitting in a frame on my desk. I might as well get a sweater with reindeer on it and a santa hat im so fucking lame. Haha.



Seriously though, hes pretty cute. Awww, does de diggi-wiggy want a pwesent from santa? did he ask for a new widdle squeaky toy?

Fun fact: When i talk like that I naueseate myself so bad I puke a little in my mouth and then swallow it.