I'm gonna buy u a draank. Then ima gonna take u home wid me. What do you think about that?

That's a hip hop song by t pain. Awesome.

It was my Christmas party tonite. I've been drunk since eleven.

4. Days to Mexico. Fuck yeah.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

And I dont like what you got me hanging from

My first thought when i saw this picture-- Why?!?

First thing first-- they are making this and I am literally jumping around like an uber nerd here in my office

Im also listening to Pretty Noose by Soundgarden...and it makes me think about smoking weed and eating doritos when i was in undergrad.

Im not letting my financial problems get me down. I mean, fuck, Im going to Mexico in less than a week...Ill actually be on a beach in 7 days time... things are good with everything. I should stop bitchin.

I would like some Doritos, though.

The post of the DEVIL

(So you know, this is my 666 posting. OOOH, scary)

So Im kinda bummed right now because i learned that even with the mortgage i could be approved for, Im still about 170 000 short to get the house i want. Soooo, Im either going to have to rob a bank...or do the Anna Nicole Smith method to financial sucess and find an old dude with lotsa money.

Is it too soon to joke about Anna Nicole? Fuck. I dont care. I do drink alot of SlimFast.... we have that in common.

Its only 8 days til i leave. I have so much to do before then, I want to flail my arms in the air and throw a hissy fit. However, this will not help me get this work done....so, yeah.

I had a really laid back weekend. I watched a bunch of movies and cleaned my house. Oh, and dreamed about buying a certain house thats a few hundred thousand out of my price range. did i mention im bummed about this? oh. right.

I watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night. I watched it by myself because sometimes its not cool for other people to watch me geek out. I think part of my mystique is lost when im jumping on the couch and yelling "Kick his ASS, Hermoine!!!" or "You fucking rock, Ginny Weasley!" I guess anyone who already knows me would know this side of me anyways.

Let me just now throw out that im officially annoyed at Americas Next Top Model. I can pretty much guess in the first episode who they will pick. And its not editing or the way they film it-- its just whoever i think is the most annoying will be #4, and the girl who i would lease like to hang out with will win. They are either nauseatingly perky or boring as shit. Way to be Tyra.

I dont feel like uploading pictures. Sorry.

Edit:
I changed my mind. Now this is fucking fierce, Tyra!

Frickin christmas

Stuck in court. Everyone bitchin about access. Fuck man.

I have a job interview next week with the government. No more whiny clients. No more begging for bill payment. Less chance of being reported. It sounds like a dream.

I'm also seeing that house tonight.

Stop whining lady. You will see the kids on xmas eve.

This blows.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Thirteen days

My life is a constant countdown to leaving everthing behind. I am a walking advent calendar, but instead of chocolates there is SlimFast bars and pulse squats. I cannot fucking wait for the "holiday season" to end and the holiday to start. Why do people go crazy at christmas? Why? Is there a reason that normal people decide to all but crucify their ex at this time of year? Why would people who normally are so sane and congenial decide that they need to divorce their ex--right now-- and do everything to ruin their lives? Do you think your kids want to remember that every Christmas ended up in Court? uhg.

See? This is why i havent blogged. Do you really wanna hear this?

So Ive now successfully paid off the giant Visa of neverending debt-- it only took 2 years-- and have made progress on the Line of Credit of doom. So...what am i looking at doing? Buying a house. Yeah. And not just any house, a house that costs half a million dollars. ( FYI in Calgary a home that costs 450,000.00 is considered a "starter home". Fuckin shit man) How much do i love being in debt, anyway? It is a pretty cool house though, built in 1961 and completely reno'd with hardwood floors, a giant kitchen, and an yard for the dogs. Pretty sweet.

It may not happen, though, cuz the person i spoke to about mortgages asked me if i had a 25% downpayment. Uhhh... yeah, I have $120,000 just sitting around for a rainy day... I told them i might be able to get like 10,000.00 and they were all "Oh, can you borrow the rest". So...anyone want to lend me $90,000.00? I already asked Digit-- he said no.

Digit and Eva are good. She has now discovered the couch and believes that it is the best dog bed around. Great. As if Jer hogging the couch wasnt bad enough, now I have her to deal with too.

I am going to try and post every workday until i leave. And Im going to try to think of less bitchy things to blog about.

Shit. How is it December 11 already?

I really suck.
I really do.

Ive actually been missing blogging. I useda do it when i first came in every morning to work. Now I actualy (gasp!) work when i come into work.

It does mean that I have a NYrs resolution this year-- blog more. And its something which is pretty plausible to do. I mean, I wont even have an exciting "year in review" post this year ferchrissakes-- I mean I barely blogged during the summer at all.

In case you wanted to know, its 14 days until i get to hit the beaches of Mexico. I am trying to live off of water and SlimFast until then so I dont get mistaken for Moby Dick. Yknow-- giant white whale.

Saturday was 'Over the Top Hip Hop night' and, as always, I wore hot pants and spent most of the night posing like i was a gangstar...or a crumper. Pure awesome.

I dont think Ive brought this up on my blog, but I have been thinking it for the last while... and I dont want it to sound racist and shit.... but Im sick of China. Like its on Top Model, Survivor, all these friggin media whore type shows etc. just because the Olympics are coming up. And seriously.... are we now just supposed to forget about all the Human Rights violations? What about Tibet? Fuck. Just paint over all that shit with pictures of happy dancers and grandmothers doing TaiChi. Fuck.

Yeah. Getting too heavy on here for the first post in a while. Here are some hip hop pics:

its already one of those kinda days

...so watch something cute as i try to make time to post an actual post

Mexico, Mormons, and Moxy Fruvous

Wanna know whats shitty? Waking up with a fucking a cappella song in your head. Like really. What is this, 1990? Am I wearing neon?

So for those who live vicariously through me ( yeah-- it could happen. Dont burst my ego bubble when i still have Moxy Früvous in my head)just thought Id let you know what my Christmas plans are. Im fucking going to a small village outside on Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and laying on a fucking beach and drinking fucking tequila. What do you think about that big shot? While you are singing about bells and sleigh rides, Im going to be sunning my boobs. You'll have egg nog, Ill have margaritas.

Actually, while I was typing that i got strangely sad that I dont get to have Christmas anymore.

So I watched a lot of reality TV yesterday. Im kinda pissed off that Jennie Garth was eliminated before the Tubby Mormon mom....but watching the Bachelor dump both girls made up for it. I hate the writers strike, by the way. Not that I dont support their right to strike-- I think the stations should give them better renumeration for good shows...blah, blah, blah --anyhoo, Im just mad that new shows might be ending this week. Im really into 30 Rock right now and will be sad if I dont get to see the madcap lives of Tracy Jordan and Kenneth the NBC Page lived out on my TV this Thursday.

Heres a tangent you didnt expect me to go off on: I am having pant issues right now. Im not sure if i lost weight, they stretched, or if the pantgods are mocking me, but it looks like im wearing hammer pants. Im sure these fit me when i bought them last month.

Did Moxy Fruvous do anything else than write that one annoying song? Were they popular anywhere but Canada--especially in cities where there was college radio?

Oh yeah, do you know what pisses me off? When people say things on TV or stuff about "Canada" like we are one city. Last night some chick on Miami Ink (see? Reality show) Said that everyone in Canada knew her dad because he did something. Oh really? Im in Canada. I dont remember meeting her dad or knowing him for some feat. In fact, I cant even remember this feat that all Canadians are supposed to recall. Dumb ass.

Breakin' the Law Breakin the Law

So, guess who found out this morning that her car registration expired 6 months ago? And guess how she found out?

Answers: 1. Me 2. By being pulled over by the po-po on a busy street during rush hour traffic.

Honestly though, I really did think i got to do it every two years--and when i didnt receive a renewal notice on Monday, I thought fer sure I would be fine. Yeah. And smarty pants here didnt have proof of insurance in her car either.

Luckily I talked my way out of that one...and assured the nice officer that I would immediately go get new tags so he wouldnt tow my car. Instead of giving me the $500 ticket for not having a registered car, he instead gave me a $175 ticket for not producing valid registration on request. ( yeah, I got out of it cuz Im cute. Deal with it)

So hey kids-- make sure you have a registered car.

Anyways... other than that joy, I am quite happy to report that I went and saw GWAR on Wednesday. If you have never done this before, I recommend you do it immediately. I learned that the human body will pulsate and spray blood up to 50ft away for 5 minutes if you cut someone's head off. Its true. I didnt manage to get covered in blood, but i did get some of "hitler"'s semen on me when he was spraying the crowd with his dink. Yeah-- blood, semen, shit, you name it, GWAR had someone pumping it.

It looks like i found a place to accomodate my doggies over christmas break-- so my dreams of having a vacation away may now come true. Thank Christ. I fucking need a break.

Now presenting a bunch of pictures that i just feel like sharin'

I found a bunch of weird pics on my camera after this weekend. Here.



Im not sure if Ive ever blogged this, but everytime I get really drunk-- I am prone to taking self portraits of myself--while in the bathroom. No, nothing creepy or nude-- just usually a picture like the above ( usual positions are 1. winking 2. kissing or 3. sticking out tongue). I literally have thousands of these pictures-- about 20 per drunken night for the last 3 years.

This is the best of last weekend.

Also, my black and white coat sure has made its own presence here on the old blog. It almost has co-host status.



Gumby always looks really happy. Sometimes I think he is mocking me. Sometimes Ill be in a meeting and someone will be going on about something that Im not interested in and Ill shift my gaze to Gumby...and then need to supress laughter. In the above picture, it cracks me up that Gumby is carrying poor pokey like a handbag clutched under his arm.



So I have been taking part in Bikini Bootcamp for the last 4 months. Im not sure if Ive lost any weight, but I think i look less squishy...and I feel like im in better shape. This is a pic of my actual class-- I was late that day-- and as you can note no, they arent actually wearing Bikinis to work out. Idiots. (Actually Ive been wearing approx. 5 layers to work out in cuz its dang cold and dark now when we work out)

I gotta say that I have never had my ass kicked so hard in all my life. I have actually puked a total of 6 times since starting.




This is Eva looking photogenic. when you have dogs bred to be fast-- its pretty hard to get a picture of them where they arent a) a blur or b) sleeping.

The Fables of Juicy #6: I am an angry driver

It is even hard for me to post a picture about said driving...because I am too angry while i am driving to post a picture.

I yell at passing cars. I yell at people on the street. I yell at traffic lights...stop signs..curbs.. yah, you get it. I need to listen to my music very very loud to drown out the fact that I am angry at everything around me.

If you are wondering who I listen to when i drive the answer is thus:

LES SAVY FAV

I saw LSF this summer in Calgary...and have not listened to another CD in my car since. I have 4 of their albums which i just go between.

If you go to their myspace page... listen to The Equestrian, The Sweat Descends, and Raging in the Plague Age... and picture someone in a silver VW driving angry and erratic driving 20 km above the speed limit...and thrashing to the music. Yah. Thats me.

So its Halloween again. In my never ending battle to find original costumes that no one really understands... I wore this this year. My camera died before I could get a better shot... but I was also wearing pink shorts and red cowboy boots.

Now, smartypantses... who was I?

The Fables of Juicy #6: I hate wearing socks.

Note: Winter Coat



Note: ridiculous shoes

Today there was snow on the ground. This pisses me off. It makes wearing ridiculous sandal-type open toed shoes pretty hard. And man do you get weird looks when you are wearing open shoes and scraping ice and snow off your car in the morning.

It appears that socks may be in my future. And this pisses me off.

So I was reading crappy gossip sites at noon and found out that although I have been writing 2007 on all my documents, its actually 1997.

It appears that AQUA and Ace of Bass are both getting back together and putting out albums. Along with the Spice Girls, its like the late 1990s are back. Whats next? A reunion on Fresh Prince of Bel Air? A Fat Oprah? A straight Ellen DeGeneres?

I went to Canadian Tire yesterday and instead of picking up some chairs... I was guilted by some dude to buy a $25.00 calendar. Yeah, I know. Calendars are usually free...found in restaurants and dentist offices each year with nary a cost.

And its not like they really made me feel bad for their charity or anything... it was just like the dude came up to me, shook my hand, and started his plight about said calendar...and i think i blacked out or something for 10 minutes, and at the end of it I was holding the calendar and a receipt for $25.00 in my hand. Maybe he was a witch or something. It made me think of times when Homer Simpson is thinking about doing something...and by the time he decides what to do, he's already in his car driving away. D'Oh!

Jer and I are thinking about heading to Vegas for the 24- 29th ( I wont call it Christmas, cuz, well, y'know)...its not a done deal yet. We are still looking into places/ dates to go etc. I can say that Jer is making it next to impossible for me to plan the trip though ( NOTE TO JER SHOULD HE READ THIS: YEAH, I SAID IT... YOU ARE BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS) as everytime I research something, plan it out with Expedia with 3 different possible choose-your-own-adventure type scenarios hes all "uhhh... what if we stayed (here) instead" or "did you look at (some fucking random thing Id never think of) as well?"... then I say "No" and he makes me re-research it. When I say "Why dont YOU look that up" he comes up with some excuse (ususally about Hockey or how tired he is) and then thats it.

To make a long story short (ooh too late) If I want to actually go to Vegas-- I need to plan it myself or it aint gonna happen.

Anyone got any big suggestions for Las Vegas or Reno?

A note to parents:

Free Texas Dating

Fucking rights fuck! Motherfucking motherfuck! Hahaha!

The Fables of Juicy #5: I generally lack professionalism

This is what im wearing right now. Along with a pair of dress pants, blouse...and pair of white and green sketchers.

Maybe I SHOULD be concerned about this. Naaaaaaaah.

Anyhoo the reason for my lack of care about the legal profession is basically because my woes with the Law Society are far from over. They want me to respond to a bunch of questions where my answer for everything is basically "No, I didnt do this. I wish I would had..but hindsight is 20-20". Im actually half pissed off and half totally bummed about it. I wish it was one of those situations where I could just say that I didnt know better at the time... I do now...and I wont make that mistake again. ( I tried this approach. They didnt like it)

Jeremy's response to their continuing investigation was a dozen roses-- with a card saying 'Fuck the Law Society'.

In other craptacular news, I just found out that my Grandmother has cancer...and had a masectomy yesterday. Im glad to hear she is now ok, but Im kinda pissed off that no one bothered to tell me previously. I am glad to also hear that her spirits are also feisty and positive: when asked if she was getting a boob implant reconstruction she said "only if I meet a hot guy on the way to surgery". Anyways, now I feel better for doing my part for Boobiethon... and now for the Bras for the Cause that Im doing this weekend. Im not just a perv, Im doing it for Gram.

Also, my fish died yesterday. Poor guy.

This post is bumming me out.

This is something awesome...and answers the question of what my talent would be if i was in a beauty pageant


If I hadnt already picked out my costume for Halloween this year...it'd be her.

What the Fuck Have I been up to that Ive been too busy to blog...

Controlling the virtual Buck Hunter deer population



Giving Obi a complex



Celebrating my Quincenera



Powerboatin'



Cupping random balls



Stalking cute oriental children



Making out with statues

Well.. its a lot more interesting than just saying that I have been really busy at work since i went on my trip and havent had a chance to blog...

Gone but not forgotten

So everytime I go away it takes roughly twice as long to make time to blog. If I wasn't sending this from my phone I'd draw a graph.
I'm at Juliet s castle and I might be drunk on jugs of rum and coke.
And watching the flames. Boo.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

The sun always shines in East Van.

I'm here in Vancouver and have eaten an obscene amount of sushi. This place rules.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

The Fables of Juicy #4: Im actually quite introverted

I never thought i was an introvert-- I mean, seriously, how many introverts table dance and run around humping inanimate objects? Still, whenever I took one of those personality tests they always informed me that i was an introvert. But then i thought about it--whenever I enter a new group of people, I am super quiet. I stick to the back and say nothing. Once I have warmed up to everyone, I return to my object-humping regular self.

This weekend I have a Bat Mitzvah to go to in Vancouver. I can almost guarantee that right up to and including the first 20 minutes of the reception Ill be self conscious and quiet....and then once I realise that I dont hate everyone and am not a total outcast (well, except for the blatantly obvious fact that Im a Shiksa)(see, Im doing it already-- already freaking about new people and new groups).

I also think there is a correpsondence between introverted and intoxicated-- as in the more I am of one, the more Ill be of the second. Im certain that there will be many pictures of me with my mouth open after the weekend and many people congratulating me for a successful danceoff.

So Im also looking super forward to seeing Weeiner (aka Best friend Vancouver) this weekend and for hanging out with her for a few days after that. She, actually, is the co-creator of the hump attack following a night of too much beer and not enough thinking. She is also "Ice Cool" to me being "Fire when Ready". Im really really excited about this. Im glad my camera has enough memory for 500 pictures...

The Fables of Juicy #3: There is no such thing as too much coffee

From Left to Right: 1. Average sized coffee mug. 2. Juicy's extra extra extra large 'everythings-bigger-in-Texas'holy christ muthafucka large coffee mug.

I love coffee. More than anyone else you know. And it doesnt need to be fine grind, extra smooth Starbucks something or other, it just has to be brown, with caffeine, hot and in a cup. I have been drinking coffee since i was eight when my parents started letting me pour it on my mini-wheats (dont knock it til ya tried it-- i still have it everymorning for breakfast at work) and have been addicted to that evil little bean ever since.

I once was such a junkie (think of me in Trainspotting but instead of trying to make it up the stairs to get a hit of heroin, shaking as Mother Superior pours me a cup of joe) that my friends and ex boyfriend did an intervention of sorts. I needed to slow down on the coffee cuz they were worried. When i cut down, i immediately became angry and aggressive-- they actually asked me to go back to my 6 cups to day to tolerate me.

I have recently cut down to one cup a day...however, note the size of my cup.

I decided to post this because right now (yes-- at 8:44 pm) I just made a pot of coffee here at work. Yeah, Ive been drafting a brief and its totally taken over my life. Need caffeine to make the brain keep working. Im also eating sushi... but thats another fable for another time...

The Fables of Juicy #2: I hold grudges

I hold grudges. Its true. I can pretend that I forgive people, but I dont. All that bullshit about turning the other cheek or whatever? Not gonna happen. If you did something to really really make me mad, Im prolly not going to forgive you. Like ever. Yeah.

The reason I chose this little factoid today is because of something I encountered today in the world of facebook. Someone listed on that list in the picture (okay okay... the FIRST one on the list) added me as a friend. Uhhhhhh....yeeaaaah. Not gonna happen. I hate you forever and forever and forever. I aint your friend, buddy. Not in facebook and not in reality.

Other than that, my weekend was pretty much the most lazy greyhound-like weekend i have had in a while. My back was actually hurting on Saturday because I was laying around so much. The only time i left the house was to rent more movies and get Indian takeaway. Pure awesome.

Tomorrow I have to draft my letter to the law society about the cunt. I likely will be in a pretty bad mood tomorrow...oh, and might add someone else to the list.

The Fables of Juicy #1: I am addicted to celebrity gossip sites

There are a billion websites out there which give you the up to date info on all your fave and not so fave celebrities. And I am personally addicted to TMZ and PerezHilton.

I honestly do not care whether Britney is wearing panties, whether Jessica Alba is still dating that douchebag, or who may be pregnant form Desperate Housewives....yet I still find myself going to those websites 10-20 times per day and checking to see whats up.

And in that same light, here is a funny video that TMZ made:

clicky

What smells like cooter?

Hey... wish you smelled like crotch? Then go here [warning NSFW]

Yesterday was talk like a pirate day. I spent it at work (natch) but refused to speak to my assistant unless she responded in pirate speak. Arg, tis true fair lass. That Affidavit will be needing filing. Do it thee and ye finest sailing ships as it must be served by 4 hours on the clock.

I am planning on starting 'Talk like a Hobo' day: you will need to mumble, run into things, and then start yelling about the government. And eat Hobo Soup (SFW-- although if you are like me, and you thought that hobo soup might actually consist of meat from the bones of hoboes--it doesnt. Sorry)

So I had a conversation yesterday with a friend about what my blog was. She asked --Oh like is it a written version of your dirty little secrets and things that people dont know about you? I said, no not really...but then started thinking that something like that might be fun. Like what if there were Juicy trading cards about things you should know about me...from things i think are funny, stupid, or dont tell people about. And then i thought, Ill do one every week (until i get bored of it).

So yeah. The first one will be tomorrow. Maybe someday Ill have them bound in a book...but i doubt it.

yah-- i finally got out of Chambers

holy hell. longest morning of my life...

So other than the "joy" which is my workplace, I went to a wedding this weekend and it pretty much ruled. It was great because it had a relaxed, short service outside AND we were drinking (awesome) then the hors d'oevers and drinks, then the dinner (and with speeches while we were eating)and then more drinking and dancing. Oh yeah, and cupcakes instead of cake... mmmm. mmm.

I didnt take many pictures...but all the ones i did take i have my mouth open... observe:






The last picture, and the ones who i dedicate this post to, are the hardworking and hard drinking people of table 15. We were the loudest table at the event, although Table 16 was unfortunately given the credit for it. Dont worry-- we challenged them to a dance off which we easily won. Table 15-- Keep chasing that rainbow.

Jer and I gave an extra special gift to the bride and groom: a jar of mint julep. ( yeah, there was a nice gift too)



The evening ended with us in the uber fancy hotel-- lighting fireworks and chucking wet toilet paper off the balcony....classay.



Anyways, pretty awesome wedding and bless you dear sweet table 15.

AAAh

I am stuck in chambers and it is the civil matters list. There is everything from bail to the securities commission to old ladies asking for money from their husbands wills. I am so bored it is not funny.

Here is something that is funny: the new courthouse has funky new glass elevators. If you are wearing a dress or flowing skirt then people on floors below you can see your underwear as it goes by.

Furthermore, I am so bored I am now trying to remember every episode of South Park.

And now I'm slowly farting. I'm sure if anyone smells it they would blame it on the fat guy to the left or the old lady to the right.

Kill me.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Well this week pretty much blew

-- actual quote from my assistant

WARNING: IM IN A CURSEY MOOD. THE C BOMB SHALL BE DROPPED MANY TIMES HEREIN. ABANDON ALL HOPE WHO ENTERS HERE.

This week has been horrible. I havent blogged because i was pretty pissy/upset/bummed and didnt want to rant on here and let everyone know what a big baby i was being.

Anyways, Im trying to be more upbeat about this shiz... i could be this guy

So remember when a few months ago I was talking about a former client who planned to turn me into the law society? Yah. She did. Now normally they just hear out the person, give them a 'tut-tut' poor you, and then do nothing. Well, this time they heard the cunt out (FYI thats what shes known by as the office now... 'the cunt') and opened a file and then called me and told me i needed to defend her allegations.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fudickity fuck fuck

Ive read her complaint now and am not worried

(actual conversation:

Juicy: (opens envelope) Hah! The stupid cunt!

Boss: What? What did she say?>

Juicy: Absofuckingloutely nothin. What a dumb cunt!)

But Im still pretty pissy that the Law Society who believes they are a neutral party had pretty much told me on the phone that they believed her and I was wrong. I asked them if they had already made up their minds-- as I wouldnt bother responding if i was already convicted in their minds-- and they took offence to this.

anyways...

I will respond to their stupid cunt letter and remain working as a lawyer... although part of me wonders if i want to be part of this profession if this what i have to deal with.

haha. like i said, Im writing today because Ive cooled down a lot. Can you imagine what i was like on Tuesday when this went down?

Look i took pictures:



So other than that, another assistant stormed out of here today and quit. Weve been through like 6 people in the last 4 months. Its a little much.

On a high note, Im eating matzoball soup right now. its tasty. Shana Tova to all the jews out there. woot woot.

I also am going to a wedding this weekend and plan on drinking myself into oblivion. And maybe driving to the cunts house and giving her a black eye. (j/k. sorta)

Today is the longest day in the history of the universe....

Im killin time like nobody's bidness today. I had discoveries scheduled for the whole freaking day...and they "called in sick" ( in quotes because its bullshit, they just dont want me to question them because they are scared...beeeeyotch!). Of course, I dont have anything to do because I finished it all yesterday because i thought id be busy all day.

I've officially run out of internet to surf. Its 1:00 in the afternoon. Im about to start randomly reading articles on Wikipedia and adding in funny shit that I make up into articles that are too boring. Dont worry...if i do, Ill be sure to link them here. I think Im going to hit a topic that I know nothing about-- like Catholic martyrs or the spawning of salmon.

I went for coffee (it sadly only too 20 minutes.) and someone in line behind me started patting the sleeves of my shirt. While this normally woulda been creepy... it was actually funny. Allow me to show why:



mmmm.... clothy

Of course, when I made eye contact with him he said to me "I like your sleeves".

In honour of Deb, I am now wearing my hair like this and asking people if they want me to take Glamour shots of them. Im trying to sell that and boondoggle bookmarks to save for college.



Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.

I think Im going to E-town this weekend. I wish I could leave now, but Ive been getting in trouble lately for leaving too early. Meh. Not my fault if 5:00 seems too late.

I still havent figured out how to upload the videos from my camera --> computer. I took one yesterday of this truck and dude in it who i was positive was an extra from 'The Road Warrior'. He was bald and weird looking and his truck...well... I managed to get some stills of the side of his truck as i drove by....



Yeah. manequin heads...

Wheeeeee!

I bought a new camera. Its pretty much awesome...although i havent figured out how to use all the fun features yet. However, as seen above, i spent some time testing out how stable the 'picture stabalization' mode was by running and jumping at the same time. Fun shit. Im trying to figure out how to use the video record function so i can do videos on here. I was thinking of taking song requests.

Maybe this is just here...and maybe they are isolated incidents... but I noticed yesterday that in Walmart there are usually quite a few cars with religious bumper stickers. I mean, so many that I actually noticed it. Maybe attending the 'Mart is a religious experience. Maybe religious people like bargains. Maybe Calgary is slowly turning into a religious haven and i will need to escape before i burst into flame. I dunno.

I just noticed that in those pics I took yesterday I have the super sexy smeary makeup look going on...with the corresponding red blotchy face from running. (Oh yeah, I run now. how fucked is that? I cant mock people now who I see running...nor can I ask them if they are being chased. le sigh) Atleast Im wearing a quasi-offensive tshirt.

Juicy opens her Spam Folder

"We cannot be sure that this patient's exposure to butter flavored microwave popcorn from daily heavy preparation has caused his lung disease," cautioned Dr. Cecile Rose. "However, we have no other plausible explanation."

Yahoo news story-- Popcorn fumes cause Cancer.

Congratulations. That is the most fucking ridiculous thing I have heard in weeks.

I am currently enjoying some chicken soup. And it smells delicious-- I sure hope Im not going to get lung cancer from that cuz that would be a shame. Not just because it smells so good, but because we've all been living under the delusion that chicken soup is good for the soul. Good for the soul--Bad for the lungs.

So today, cuz I am now in 'one of those moods' i thought I would reply to some spam Ive been getting lately. It seems that there are 4 or 5 companies/ people out there who feel the need to send me spam on an hourly basis. (sorry-- Nothing from Irina. I think she got the message last time....)


1. To Harvey Investment Team

You have sent me approx. 35 messages in the last week for your company. Please note my comments (in bold)Today we are looking for customer service associates who share our command spirit
Command spirit -- Wasnt that Shee-Ra's Horse? Do we get to share it with Shee-ra? I dont think that would work for me. Im also concerned of horse hair/pegasus wing dust getting in the computer
and are looking to land an outstanding position with a company who has consistently been recognized on the national level for their work in the investment and securities area. Its been so recognized that it has to spam people to get interest in their company. I dont think that companies put your name on 'block sender' lists is the same as 'recognition'.We work tirelessly to build solid relationships with well-recognized organizations across the nation to learn about projects and opportunities. work tirelessly= spam mercilessly

Take a look at the job responsibilities and qualifications below and if you think you would be an asset to the team, we invite you to apply for the position. I invite you to stop sending me emails and then if the responsibilities and qualifications are right, kiss my ass

The associate should deduct his 10% interest out of every transaction he is going to deal with, as well as all the related charges. The associate further makes a Western Union/MoneyGram transfer of the balance left to the company's regional department Oohhhy, I get it. You hire me, I send you money. Fuck! This truly is the best company ever

Thank you for your interest in my email

Juicy

2.

Dear customer of The Royal Bank of Scotland,

RBS Customer Service requests you to complete Digital Banking Online Form.

Please click hyperlink below to access Digital Banking Online Form.

Please do not respond to this email.

This procedure is obligatory for all RBS Digital Banking users.

Dear random spammer attempting to get Banking info from me about the Royal Bank of Scotland

Juicy Customer Service requests you to fuck off and die.

Please stick your head in an oven to complete your demise.

Please do not respond to this email. Especially if you are dead or a zombie.

This procedure is obligatory for all Bank Spammer companies

cc: TC Canada Trust, Royal Bank, Brightons Bank....etc.

Juicy

3. To: Casa@WEbpower.cox
re: Here comes the bell

Here comes the delete.

Juicy

4. To the various people sending me some link stating: LESBIANS ON THE INTERNET

Dudes, not interested. If I was interested, googling 'lesbians on the internet' would prolly give me enough links for a century of lesbian watching action. I really believe that a large reason why the internet is as popular as it is is because of people's obsessions with lesbians on the internet. Therefore, if I want lesbians, I will find them. They do not need to email me. What? Are internet lesbians that needy?

Juicy

Ok that was fun.

Tomorrows post will be full of pictures that I will begin taking with my new camera once the batteries it came with are full.

Until then, watch that popcorn inhalation and good luck finding lesbians on the internet.


marriedtothesea.com

[ title to be determined later... cant think of anything witty...its been too long]

So how do I do this... returning to the previous scheduled blogging, i mean.

Come in with a bang? With fireworks and nudity?

Slither in unnannounced and hope no one notices the month and a half delay?

Or just continue on 'as is' with a coles notes version of why i stopped?

Yah. Exactly.

So when I began bloggin, the plan was to continue as long as I was having fun with it. And, sadly, it stopped. I felt that all I was doing was bitching about the weather, my weight and stupid support staff. I mean, I always thought that I would complain if i had reason to, but that I wouldnt let it become the only thing going on. And it was. And it was depressing me more.

So I stopped.

And now, Im back.

There.


Now -- pictures of me humping the USA border marker and making sweet loooove to the Canada border marker. I know, its not nudity...but its a start....

Lake water Enema

I know there are many people who are totally kinkified with enemas, but lemme tell you the one i gave myself on Sunday while tubing was not one to recommend. Me, on an inner tube, being dragged behind a high power jet boat...and then being flung into the air and THWACK! onto the water. Yeah. Its Wednesday and im still feeling it.

This weekend was spent, for the most part, on a boat on Sylvan Lake...which is pretty cool. I dont water ski or wake board...so i really just sit there and watch. Maybe its just me but i dont find it very fun to feel like your arms are being ripped from the sockets and your legs are being bashed by waves. Everyone else thinks its the best thing ever. Whatever, weirdos.



On Saturday night we decided to stay in Red Deer (like 1.5 hrs from Calgary and 15 min from Sylvan) but needed a hotel that could accompany myself, Jer, Jer's bro, his wife and son, and also a giant boat in the parking lot. Our first attempt at hotelling only had smoking rooms (something that makes no difference to me...but Jer's bro and his family are all new-age yuppie/hippies who only eat organic shit and dont believe in the deep fried or, apparently, anything smoke related). The next hotel looked a little (okay, okay, a lot) more shady-- and only after we had paid for our rooms, realised that there were people shooting heroin in the parking lot. Well, if you arent in to smoking, ya better believe these guys were not into junkies.....

Yesterday my bootcamp occurred in the rain, wind and the hail....and involved us running and climbing this monster stair case beside this hill. I cant feel anything from the waist down...including my poor butthole which is still angry about aforementioned lake 'incident'.

On the front of the pink dragon, my attempts to get her fired and hire someone with at least half a brain have finally succeeded...we (really, just me) found someone who we are planning to hire tomorrow....and send the dragon packing on friday. Maybe i should feel bad about this...but the chick is a fucking idiot. It doesnt take a rocket surgeon to answer the phones and open the mail...but you would think it does...

I got reported to the law society again. Its because of this ca-razy client i had who would talk to me and be all 'everything is good...no rush for anything....' and then be freaking out on my staff and my partners (another person who told on me to the principal) that i wasnt doing anything she needed. Fuck, I hate these fucking ingrates.

Im really going to try to write more than once a week.

this is my angry face

i hate the following:

-passing the buck

-overdramatic whining

-stupidity

-hot weather

and all are happening in my office right now.

I think im quittin my job and becoming a wandering minstrel.

Mid Season Hiatus

Sorry everyone... ive been out of blog commission the last few weeks. Nothing personal, just too busy to log in, type out something whimsical, and then log out. I havent been on face book either, so its not like im playing online favourites.

So guys, whats up?

Not much going on here. Stampede just finished. I avoided all things cowboy as much as possible and only hit up the carnival one of the last days and rode some rides.

I also saw possibly the coolest guy ever-- he was this homie wearing white jeans, a basketball jersey and about 45 llbs of gold jewellry. The girl with him (who for lack of a better term was totally his 'ho') was wearing about roughly the same amount of bling. We followed them as they went from beer stand to beer stand throught the fair grounds. I honestly wonder if they were like celebrities or something cuz they seemed to be trying to be incognito. I heard Nicole Ritchie was in town for Stampede. Maybe she just looks that bad in person.

Its over 30 degrees right now (and has been for the last 4 days) and its making everyone (especially me) very crabby. I havent slept well in days. At least its air conditioned in here. Maybe i should move my bed into work. Its so hot that my little garbage guts greyhound is even off her food.

I have decided that im in fact a fatty fat fat fat and have begun a bootcamp program happening on tuesdays and thursdays for 1.5 hrs per session. I puked three times the first class. Yeah, its THAT good. Oh yeah-- and running up stairs and doing jumping jacks in intesive heat? Yeah, not really a fun experience.

I floated down the river on a raft yesterday. I think i gave myself the brain damage. Im not doing too well today. I did drink alot of Schnapps in that hot hot sun.

Yep. Thats about it. See ya in another 4 weeks (joking...maybe)

HNT: its not cheating...its masturbation!

I was inspired last week by Cinder's link to a website of people making out with themeselves. (look at it here...its pretty cool) And last week, this was my attempt at romancing myself. Im such a tart!


In other news, work is making me crazy-- and this is the best news ive heard in weeks! EEK!

shine on you juicy diamond

Actual scribbled note from the Roger Waters' concert-- written when i was sitting on the floor of the club seating bathroom....and on mushrooms.

note to self: you fucking need a spotlight in the house. you love spotlights. looking into spotlights.

i also like keyboards.

these people in this washroom are suck! no, they are yuck. and they suck.
------------------------------
So it was a pretty cool show. I didnt find out until that day that we were going-- last minute cancellation from someone else worked out well for us. I usually dont do mushrooms in public because i get so fucking freaky...but i decided if i just kept it light it would work out.

The show was as full of psychedelia as you could expect-- and then they did Dark Side of the Moon...with all these visuals and it ruled. And then the pig came out:






For the rest of the weekend I was sick and felt like shiiiiit.