Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Blue Moon

I survived my birthday weekend, in case you were worried. Family members have commented on the fact that I seem to only appear lately like the groundhog...except by putting strange comments on peoples' facebook walls.

Yeah, sorry. It takes 5 seconds to do facebook...and like 15 min to blog and 30 min to call. Pizzoff.

Anyways, the Bday weekend was fun. Besides my lizard ( who I named 'Kobayashi' after the world famous hotdog eating champ) I got some wikked cool Star Wars paintings for the bday. On the Saturday we had Jer's hockey team's (thats the one he plays on...not the one he coaches...) keg party. It was pretty debaucherous.

Since then, Ive been pretty much at work and listening to people spontaneously combust. Everyone has lost it. Two clients have been arrested this week...and its only Wednesday. People are calling in just to be assholes. My assistant has a friend who is a 'witch' (not shitting you) who said everyone is agitated because its both a full moon and blue moon on Thursday.

I dont know if thats a scientific explanation...but yeah. If it explains the mass asshole-dom, ill take it.

And now for something slighltly less crabby-- Im seriously considering buying this for my office....except instead of other families, it would be spouses.

"Little Timmy's birthday is...."

June 23!

Show me June 23!


(ok, if you havent seen family feud this makes no sense to you)

Thursday, May 24, 2007


Remember the anticipation around the year 2000? Everyone preparing and freaking out because they thought there would be pandemonium? And then we waited until midnight...and nothing happened. Nada. No explosions, no power outages, no computer breakdowns. Nothing.

Thats what 30 is. Freaking out for days/weeks/months...and then ya wake up. And nothing. No explosions...implosions...or random grey hairs. Same shit as before.

That being said, I was woken up by Jer this am with breakfast in bed and the news that he cleared it with work that i could sleep in til 10am. Lunch is from 1130 to 200...then work for a few hours...and go home for more birthday related meals.

Oh and Jer increased the love in our house even more-- he bought me a lizard. (this from the guy who complains that 2 greyhounds are too much, sheesh) Ill take pics and tell ya his name when i figure it out.

Everything is cool...Until next year...

And now-- as requested-- the birthdaty suit HNT
(taken in Costa rica...and yeah, i was pretty much wearing my sunglasses and a smile...)

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Counting down the hours

29 and holding...holding...must...hold...on...

Time is running out. My 20s will soon be behind me. Is it weird that i remember my 20th birthday...and the 10th? (the tenth was a big deal because I was double its more like double chins...)


I got beautified yesterday... heres the proof:

Le sigh...bye bye 20s....

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Let's Party like its 1956!

( slogan on a calendar which was the most hilarious thing i had ever seen in my life when i was under the influence of a marijuana i kept referring to it all night and when i thought people werent having a good enough time, I would walk over and tap the sign...)

So I went camping for the long weekend at Jer's friend's "compound". No it wasnt a cult...more of a hippie/folkie jamboree...there was even a trade fair where i offered up 5 minutes of legal advice for some alcohol and shiny bracelets. There were these "musicians" who would repetitively sign the chorus of songs very slowly and with these horribly creaky voices...while we were encouraged to grab a percussion instrument and jump in... and there was a lot of booze and drugs. I think there is a very very good chance im still high.

Jeremy hung out with these dudes who liked to fish, play horseshoes, and slice at things with their own broadswords. Not even kidding-- they brought their own swords and everything.

Only 2 more days left in my 20s. Any recommendations what i need to do before the end? My mother called me yesterday: " So. you're pretty old, eh." Thanks. Cow.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Me and Rum are BFF

( actually said that to my bosses yesterday during a predominantly liquid lunch where i was in a really bad mood and needed some libations to loosen me up)

Ok. So im wearing this skirt today which is giving me a total gunt bubble. Y'know, when it bulges out around the zipper area and makes it look like you are 3 mths into a little junior? yeah. fucking pissing me off man.

Heres something else i havent bitched about on here-- our new receptionist is useless. I mean USELESS. She has been here 6 weeks and still has difficulty answering the phones. She hangs up on clients. She whispers into the phone and you cant hear her. She doesnt give messages. She walks into my office and begins telling me who is here... and then mid sentence blanks out and looks as if she was hit with lightening and says 'Oh wow. I forgot what i was saying.' And then continues to blank stare at me.

And then there is the pink dragon. She has this statue of a pink dragon on the reception desk. Like the kind that they sell at the flea market along with incense burners and blankets with wizards and faeries on them. I cant go up to reception and not become transfixed on the thing. Yeah. So me and 2 of my fellow co workers are on a mission to get 'the dragon whisperer' canned.

Oh and shes muslim. Not that its a bad thing--I have other friends who are muslim-- but she is 19 and converted to islam for a boy she had been dating for 6 months. And every once in a while makes comments on how all religions are basically the same and so her being islam isnt that different from her being jewish or catholic. Say what?!?!? Anways-- its almost a full time job trying to deal with this chick and to get her fired.

On a totally unrelated topic its the long weekend in 45 minutes... my last weekend of being in my 20s... I shall be sure to hang out with my BFF quite a bit.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I dont think you understand what an alcoholic fuckwad I am...

( I actually said that to someone on Friday who was hitting on me. I rule)

So blogger has been unceremoniously cutting out every time that I try to post more of my vacation stories. Im taking that as a sign that the blog gods arent interested. I will continue the stories...but ill do it on my other blog...the one 'all about me' and then let you know when ive posted it. Yeah.

So whats going on? A fucking lot. In case you dont know. "Someone" is turning 30 in now less than 8 days. On 8 more days left of being in my carefree 20s. Man that blows. I wish i could say that its not affecting me...but it is. I keep thinking in my head: "This is the last (enter thing here) of my 20s". Depressing.

Last Friday, to combat my feelings that im old, fat and weird lookin' ( although still quite happily tanned) I allowed my 2 galpals to "doll me up". Literally. I looked like a blow up doll. Hot, but yeah, like i was made of polyethylene and came with 'life like hair'.

See? Blow up doll

Since vacation i have also noticed that im drinking alot more. Not like 'getting wasted wooohhoooo' but coming home, making a rum and coke, and then watching the Wings game (great game last night BTW, it would had been better is Pronger was given a misconduct/suspension/concussion but yeah). In fact, Jer and I have already put quite a dent in one of the giant bottles of rum we brought back from 'Rica.

Someone stole Jer's truck last week. If you are this douchebag and I find out, I will beat you within 10 cm of your life....then Jer will take over. It was recovered but with none of his stuff in it and stinking like stale white trash cigarettes.

Ok. I think the rant is over. Thanks for being there, blog. Le sigh.

Yeah, me and Miss Priss grabbing Lux's boob. Yeah, Blow up doll.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Port-o-blog--Monteverde/Santa Elena: April 27

Hump Attack! Suspension bridge!

Look a Quetzl!

Our hike was super fun and our dude Adrian was flipping hilarious. He would not rest until we saw a quetzl-- which is this big, pretty bird that sounds like Eva when she whines, and lives in the cloud forests. We did actually see one...and Adrian (who was like a costa rican version of the Crocodile Hunter-- do you hear that? its a quetzl...quick run! RUN! Well find him! Wait. Stop. I lost him....NO! Hes over here-- RUN!) made sure we saw other birds/bugs/ cool trees and some animals too. Very cool. I tried to get Jer to buy this shirt that says "Beware of Frog". But he wont.

After the forest we walked to the Bat Jungle museum. Bats rule, dude.

We went for casados at lunch...and Salsa Lizano. Man, thats some good shit. I dont know whats in there, but I likes. Jeremy believes there is a conspiracy to have him sit in uncomfortable chairs. I just think he needs to realise that the average Tico is about 5ft 5 and hes over 6ft tall. Chairs arent made for people his size here.

We wandered into a coffee tour just about to leave (and used Jer's Canada Post ID as a student card to get a cheaper rate)and decided to go. Coffee also rules, dude. We got almost high on eating the coffee berries and sampling the chocolate covered coffee beans. We bought a lot to bring back with us, but i still wish we bought more. I know well regret it later.

Anyways, we learned a lot of shit today. And now, as it is Friday night, its time to party. We found out from a guy on the coffee tour that there was a fiesta happening in Monteverde that night...with rides, partying, food, booze, etc. We walked there and realised that we were some of the only gringos there...but we had fun eating the fair food (almost the same fare as at the Stampede...just with beans and rice instead of fries and usually on a stick) and having a couple cervezas.

After a few Pilsens, I had to pee. So i wandered down this black alley way to this shady little outhouse where these 2 older ladies were sitting and chatting away. I thought they might had been in line, but they didnt even look up when i walked to the potty and then went in. When I came out, shit hit the fan.

Juicy: Ahhh. Me gusto! that was great.

Senorita: (loud angry spanish...the only words i understand are 'banos' and 'cent colones' followed by more angry spanish)

J: (getting the gist that this was a pay toilet) Lo deneiro...mi novio....(pointing to where Jer is) menos...(Jer had the cash, you see...)

S: (sees me trying to leave...) No!!! CENT COLONES!!! NO!!! MILLE COLONES! (she now wanted a thousand...still only like $2...but it didnt matter when i didnt have it on me)(more angry spanish)


S: No! (grabs my arm) POLICIA! POLICIA!

J: Oh fuck...

I got her hand off of me and quickly walked up to Jer and said that we had to go. Now.

Yeah, I was run out of a fiesta.

This poster was all over town-- it was show at the fiesta. I didnt get to see her because...well, y'know

Port-o-blog--Monteverde/Santa Elena: April 26

So i was in a bus accident today. Yah. Not even fucking kidding. The distance between Tamarindo (aka beach paradise) and Monteverde (aka up a mountain and with pouring rain) is not that far... only like a few 100 km. However, its the slowest (40 km/h MAX), the scariest, muddiest, and most dangerous road Ive ever seen. Because the road is so shit, only one car can go on them at a time...usually in the middle of the road and around sharp corners. The cars honk their horns as they go through the corners so that cars coming RIGHT at them in the same path of the least shittiest part of the road dont accidently run into them. Hence-- my accident. We were passing a hay truck which was big and slow around a hairpin corner and....

THWACK!Hit by a little white truck belonging to the cable guy. Yes, it was a very slow speed accident....but I was still fricking freaked out, and still am. The truck hit exactly where i had been sitting.

While sitting on the road waiting for another Interbus to come by ( their motto by the way, is "Really Fast! Really Good!--they forgot 'Really Scary!') and while these 3 friendly brits on vacation kept feeding me candies to keep me from losing it, we watched the ordeal as the local Tica bus tried to get around our accident. Umm, so the dude driving the bus (an old school bus) actually drove off of the road to get around it. What was funny was that none of the locals were phased by any of this, or the fact that they needed to get off the bus before the driver could try his fancy manouvering.

After another hour of shit roads ( we actually started sliding backwards at one point because of the rain/mud. I thought i was going to shit myself)we made it to our little Eco-lodge the "Arco Isis". Its super nice, the people are friendly, and there is maybe the cutest puppy i have ever seen in my life here to Roo and Marf! of course...who i miss terribly.

Tomorrow we head to the Monteverde Cloud Forests and have a guide booked for 6 AM (say what!?!?!! are nt i supposed to be on vacation? ). Now, I need some food. Finally we get to eat some local 'comidas tipico' and I keep reading about how delicious 'casados' are.

PS-- Casados do rule. Its like a plate with rice, beans, salad, hearts of palm, plantanes, and either chicken, pork or fish...and costs about $2 to 5 despite the fact that there is enough food on the plate for 2

PPS-- they have Cuba libres in a can!!! MMMM

BFF Forever

PPSS-- my hair is shit here. stupid humidity

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Port-o-blog--Tamarindo: April 25

(sorry no surfing pics-- just more of Tamarindo)

Juicy's 'How to Surf'.

1. Lie on board-- toes to the nose

2. Hands in push up position

3. Wait for wave.....



Then paddle with your hands 5x-- cupped hands work the best

4. Jump up by pushing up with your arms. Dont grab the side of the board cuz you'll fall over. It sounds like a good idea, but you dont wanna do it.

5. Right foot first. Then left-- shoulders parallel to the board

6. Arms in an L shape

7. 70% of your weight on your front leg.

8. Get low, man

Do this all in quick succession to surf. Miss one and you're eating wave.

I managed to lose both contacts in one fall...who needs sight, right?
Then I was hit in the head by someone elses' board...who needs consciousness, right?

Despite all this, I was able to get up quite a few times and I think i could do it again now problem. Just not today. Or tomorrow. Or at anytime in the near future cuz my whole body aches like i was hit by a car.

Tomorrow we leave Tamarindo-- the Pacific surf paradise for the cloud forests of Monteverde. Hahah. That sounds like a Hardy Boys novel.

I won 8000 colones at the Casino by lettin it ride on red on the roulette table. Too bad its only 15 USD.

Port-o-blog--Tamarindo: April 24

Its me-- finished work on the Friday

(as transcribed from my little orange notebook that i carry with me on all my travels)

My spanish books have failed me. Nowhere between lessons 1-20 did it tell me:

1. Air conditioner repair
2. Treating Jer's Athlete's Foot

The water here is FUCKING amazing. There are all these little tidal pools that get really warm and are like little sand-bottomed bath tubs. Bueno! (my #1 saying right now is 'bueno'. its my answer to everything!)

The flights here were tedious and filled with screaming children with ambivalent parents who were either deaf or ignorant. I really fucking wanted to kill the kid and the parents on the 2nd flight. Thank christ for drugs and earplugs...or soemone would had died. Or, actually would had been murdered with their own seat belt. Yeah.

San Jose to Tamarindo-- it was me, Jer and 2 pilots on our little flight. Fuck yeah. First fucking class. Thad and Mimsy's private jet. Jer was so excited he fell asleep.

At the resort i like eating all the meat dishes. Thats it, a big ole plate of meat. Oh, and sometimes artichokes or canned mushrooms. But mostly meat. Me gusto!

The bartenders just make cuba libres when i walk up to their bars. they dont need to ask anymore.

Hump attack-- Giant Chess Pieces!

Its cool here because its laaaaaaaid back, and there is no one here. Yesterday we humped in the ocean right in front of the resort.

I just learned that 'yesterday' in Spanish is "ayer". Bueno.

My left hand is sun burned.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

pura vida...

s'up hombres... im back and for some reason i am expected to do work or something. huh.

im very slowly loading pics onto flickr and will post my portable blog entries tomorrow..if i have a chance.

furthermore, i want a cuba libre and a plate of pico gallo with salsa lizano.