Sometimes a Boyz II Men song is very neccessary.
This marks the last post i shall do while i am (supposed to be) working at my firm.
The office is all packed up... the clients (that i like) have received phone calls with little asides noting that they can come with me to my new firm if they choose ( and the ones i dont like received emails saying who their new lawyer is).
I am kinda sad. I really like the people here: my assistant Sara (who gave me 'tude... but in a funny way), my assistant Chala (who would had hitch-hiked naked to Norway if i told her it was needed for the file), my neighbour Medina (who cursed like a sailor when she was pissed and allowed me to rant in her office when i needed to as well), Michelle (the softest spoken person who could ever screw you out of your fair property division because she just made it sound good)and all the other people downstairs in the litigation area who i rarely talked to...but often made smart assed comments to while in the coffee room.
Sigh.
I guess its pretty cool, though, that I left here on my own accord and with a better paying job on the horizon than, as in my last job, leaving unemployed and broke, and unemployable.
So good bye office, good bye view of Walmart...and, i guess, good riddance...
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
Holey Crap
This weekend on 'The Intersection of 13 and 13': Juicy falls in a hole and breaks Jer's house
So there is this hole in the middle of Jer's bedroom. Its supposed to be a heating vent, except it doesnt have a cover...its just a big gross hole sprouting out of the carpet. The hole has been there since we started dating and, I do believe, I have been telling him since my first time over to his house that some day I would fall in the hole. That day was Saturday.
The hole is located smack dab in the middle of the room and, before Friday night, was quite easy to manouever around. On Friday night, however, we decided to move the bed over 3 or 4 feet so the hole was now pretty much at the end of his bed.
Saturday morning... I wake up and have to pee. I hear that there are other people in the house, so I know that i need to put some clothes on before i walk out of the bedroom. I bend over the laundry basket to grab some jammies... take a step back...and
AAAW! SHIT!
....fall into the hole. Now, my foot didnt just fall in, as i now know by the telltale bruises on my upper thigh, my whole leg did. And when my LEG fell in, it went right through the ceiling of the basement suite. Taking out about 10 ft of ceiling and a large section of floor vent.
Fuck. shit. Fuck. So now Jer needs to replace both the vents in his house [which, actually, he did plan on doing in the fall] and the ceiling in the basement suite. Oh, which reminds me, the guy in the basement suite is moving in tomorrow... To a place with no ceiling an a big natty piece of vent hanging there.
Nice.
So there is this hole in the middle of Jer's bedroom. Its supposed to be a heating vent, except it doesnt have a cover...its just a big gross hole sprouting out of the carpet. The hole has been there since we started dating and, I do believe, I have been telling him since my first time over to his house that some day I would fall in the hole. That day was Saturday.
The hole is located smack dab in the middle of the room and, before Friday night, was quite easy to manouever around. On Friday night, however, we decided to move the bed over 3 or 4 feet so the hole was now pretty much at the end of his bed.
Saturday morning... I wake up and have to pee. I hear that there are other people in the house, so I know that i need to put some clothes on before i walk out of the bedroom. I bend over the laundry basket to grab some jammies... take a step back...and
AAAW! SHIT!
....fall into the hole. Now, my foot didnt just fall in, as i now know by the telltale bruises on my upper thigh, my whole leg did. And when my LEG fell in, it went right through the ceiling of the basement suite. Taking out about 10 ft of ceiling and a large section of floor vent.
Fuck. shit. Fuck. So now Jer needs to replace both the vents in his house [which, actually, he did plan on doing in the fall] and the ceiling in the basement suite. Oh, which reminds me, the guy in the basement suite is moving in tomorrow... To a place with no ceiling an a big natty piece of vent hanging there.
Nice.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Sweartastic
I fucking love these quizzes. Fuck yeah!
Your word is FUCK. You like to come across as rude
and rebellious, and often you do. You also are
intelligent and maybe surprisingly sensitive,
though God help anyone who said that in front
of your friends.
Which Swear (Curse) Word Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your word is FUCK. You like to come across as rude
and rebellious, and often you do. You also are
intelligent and maybe surprisingly sensitive,
though God help anyone who said that in front
of your friends.
Which Swear (Curse) Word Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
this is so funny
In response to the post of a few days ago about how I think I dont share the same sense of humour as the general public, I would like to share 2 things that make me laugh uncontrollably. they are even somewhat connected....
The little square commercial AND
The Ranch tooth commercial...both courtesy of Wendy's Hamburgers.
If you havent seen them, the little square can be found at http://www.goodtobesquare.com but I havent located the Ranch tooth on the interweb just yet.
The little square trucks around with this less than impressed look on his face solving the less than difficult problems of the little circle peoples. Maybe I feel so much for him because I too, deal with people who need someone to tell them what is what, sometimes begrudgingly. There are a couple of other spots too, where the little square shows what heat lamps at hamburger joints do to little circle people and solves the dilemma behind leftovers (just go to wendys). He totally cracks me up.
Then there is the ranch tooth...aw shit. The idea is that this dude doesnt have a sweet tooth, he has a "ranch" tooth... and this giant tooth in a cowboy hat follows him around to yoga, poker, for drives, etc. saying "Raaaanch. Ranch? Ranch!" continuously. Brilliant. I just about pee my pants whenever i see it.
So apparently i share the sense of humor of the person who does the Wendy's ads..who knew?
Ranch.
The little square commercial AND
The Ranch tooth commercial...both courtesy of Wendy's Hamburgers. If you havent seen them, the little square can be found at http://www.goodtobesquare.com but I havent located the Ranch tooth on the interweb just yet.
The little square trucks around with this less than impressed look on his face solving the less than difficult problems of the little circle peoples. Maybe I feel so much for him because I too, deal with people who need someone to tell them what is what, sometimes begrudgingly. There are a couple of other spots too, where the little square shows what heat lamps at hamburger joints do to little circle people and solves the dilemma behind leftovers (just go to wendys). He totally cracks me up.
Then there is the ranch tooth...aw shit. The idea is that this dude doesnt have a sweet tooth, he has a "ranch" tooth... and this giant tooth in a cowboy hat follows him around to yoga, poker, for drives, etc. saying "Raaaanch. Ranch? Ranch!" continuously. Brilliant. I just about pee my pants whenever i see it.
So apparently i share the sense of humor of the person who does the Wendy's ads..who knew?
Ranch.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
A small step for Juicy...
... a giant leap for Juicy-kind.
I dont know why I used an astronaut reference, but what im pissing and moaning about this time is that I have decided to switch jobs. Now dont worry, I'll still be a law talker and doing the family law, but at a different firm... a firm that is offering me a lot more money [ Im a Socialist who hates materialism....but Im one with very large debts] and some sort of future potential. Its not everyday that someone with only a year's experience is offered a position where they are told they may make partner within 2-3 years.
Actually, to be brutally honest, I made my mind up when my current boss made reference that im "not worth the money" that the other place is offering. And his counter-offer pretty much was zero. They wouldnt even offer me a permanent position here..just the same money and the same lack of job security. I just about told him to fuck himself, but there is this whole "professionalism" thing i have to remember sometimes. The other place was ready to match or beat any counter offer he made, anyway...
So Im leaving my big pretty office with the view of Walmart in Southwest Calgary, for a smaller, non-windowed place in the North...and i couldnt be more excited.
I dont know why I used an astronaut reference, but what im pissing and moaning about this time is that I have decided to switch jobs. Now dont worry, I'll still be a law talker and doing the family law, but at a different firm... a firm that is offering me a lot more money [ Im a Socialist who hates materialism....but Im one with very large debts] and some sort of future potential. Its not everyday that someone with only a year's experience is offered a position where they are told they may make partner within 2-3 years.
Actually, to be brutally honest, I made my mind up when my current boss made reference that im "not worth the money" that the other place is offering. And his counter-offer pretty much was zero. They wouldnt even offer me a permanent position here..just the same money and the same lack of job security. I just about told him to fuck himself, but there is this whole "professionalism" thing i have to remember sometimes. The other place was ready to match or beat any counter offer he made, anyway...
So Im leaving my big pretty office with the view of Walmart in Southwest Calgary, for a smaller, non-windowed place in the North...and i couldnt be more excited.
Monday, August 22, 2005
whats so funny?
Ever been to a movie that you totally did not find funny... and EVERYONE around you is laughing hysterically like its the best thing ever? AND you are stoned [which usually means you find water fountains, people's voices, and generally anything shiny hilarious].
That was me at the 40 year old virgin movie. It didnt need to be a movie... it coulda been a 10 minute Saturday night live skit. I think i laughed 5 times... and none were involving the plight of the title character. The plot is thus:
1. Sex joke.
2. Sexist joke.
3. Penis joke.
4. Repeat.
Oh, there were also some racist jokes, nerd jokes, and hairy chest jokes thrown in for good measure. In fact the funniest thing i heard in the theatre was a 15 yr old girl standing next to me telling her boyfriend that "the east indian guy in the movie was funny...they are all funny...they should have one in every movie". Idiot. [yes, i was still a little baked]
I have experienced this "holy crap this is not funny so why is everyone laughing" syndrome also during a show called "the Trailer Park Boys" [ so they are poor and live in trailers and drink a lot....and what? and nothing...thats storyline of the whole show.] and Married with Children [ which has the same plot i outlined above]
Yeah. I dunno. I guess its maybe some sort of karmic balancing from the fact that i find so much amusement from british comedies and weird movies. I recall watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and being one of 4 people who were laughing. And half of the theatre left during the Life Aquatic.
Anyhoo, if you like Trailer Park Boys or Married with Children, go see that 40 yr old virgin movie. Just dont be expecting an invite over to my house for movie night any time soon.
That was me at the 40 year old virgin movie. It didnt need to be a movie... it coulda been a 10 minute Saturday night live skit. I think i laughed 5 times... and none were involving the plight of the title character. The plot is thus:
1. Sex joke.
2. Sexist joke.
3. Penis joke.
4. Repeat.
Oh, there were also some racist jokes, nerd jokes, and hairy chest jokes thrown in for good measure. In fact the funniest thing i heard in the theatre was a 15 yr old girl standing next to me telling her boyfriend that "the east indian guy in the movie was funny...they are all funny...they should have one in every movie". Idiot. [yes, i was still a little baked]
I have experienced this "holy crap this is not funny so why is everyone laughing" syndrome also during a show called "the Trailer Park Boys" [ so they are poor and live in trailers and drink a lot....and what? and nothing...thats storyline of the whole show.] and Married with Children [ which has the same plot i outlined above]
Yeah. I dunno. I guess its maybe some sort of karmic balancing from the fact that i find so much amusement from british comedies and weird movies. I recall watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and being one of 4 people who were laughing. And half of the theatre left during the Life Aquatic.
Anyhoo, if you like Trailer Park Boys or Married with Children, go see that 40 yr old virgin movie. Just dont be expecting an invite over to my house for movie night any time soon.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Flag off!
Hey! Whats the deal with the "flag for objectionable content" thingy at the top of the page? Are we being censored now? Is this 1984? Is Big Brother watching me?
I refuse to be prosecuted for their hate crimes! HATE CRIMES!!!!
[lets see if i get a Flag now... and no, smartypantses i havent actually read what the flag means, nor do i have any plan in doing such]
I refuse to be prosecuted for their hate crimes! HATE CRIMES!!!!
[lets see if i get a Flag now... and no, smartypantses i havent actually read what the flag means, nor do i have any plan in doing such]
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Happy Birthdaaaaay to you...
Its the old Blog o Rama's first Bday... [sigh] I remember his birth like it was yesterday... i was sitting approx. 2 feet from where i am now, and was looking at my friend Joe's blog, and decided i needed one too. I chose the name the Intersection of 13 and 13 because [d'uh] thats where i live, and because people always make a big deal at how unlucky it is that i live there. And last year, yeah, i was on a little bit of an unlucky streak. I was unemployed, poor, had failed the bar exam [and later would fail it again] and seemed to be perpetually in failing relationships [or humping one night randoms].
Now, things are looking up in all respects... I have two places that are literally fighting over me for a job, Im getting established as a family lawyer, and yeah, there's my little chompy moogle along for the ride [im still poor, though]. And i have a blog to keep track of all the fun...
So everyone together now "happy birthdaaaay intersection of 13 and 13..."
Look! Its the actual intersection!
Even Kingsley is celebrating!Haha! Isnt it great that the balloon is en francais?!
Friday, August 12, 2005
Juicy A Photo-documentary: All about my Jeremy
I know, im a big suck. Here are some recent pics of the boy... in celebration of his hockey victory and because hes taking me away this weekend and im super pumped. Also, as i have mentioned in the past, when im lazy i just post pictures.
The Aces victory picture... mine is the one in the white helmet...funny that hes the biggest player yet is hidden in the pic
a close up... and you are lucky there is no smell-o-vision. not exactly a pleasant smell coming off of the boy post hockey.
This was taken at the infamous lake that was both iridecent and caused me to scratch myself between the asscheeks. i look kinda evil.
The Aces victory picture... mine is the one in the white helmet...funny that hes the biggest player yet is hidden in the pic
a close up... and you are lucky there is no smell-o-vision. not exactly a pleasant smell coming off of the boy post hockey.
This was taken at the infamous lake that was both iridecent and caused me to scratch myself between the asscheeks. i look kinda evil.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Princess Hangover goes to work
Ug. I feel like death warmed over.
Jer's team won the Calgary Summer Hockey League championship last night as as resident fan/equipment manager/ comissioner's girlfriend, I was part of the celebration. There were many beers drank out of the cup last night.
Blah. I cant even make myself continue the story. The squirrels in my head are fighting too much. I have too many deadlines to go home sick and sleep...but i am hardly worth the 150/hr i am charging clients to work. I need gatorade, a cheeseburger, and a pillow. (except Jer has my bank card so i cant get them... do you think i can convince the store in my building to reestablish the barter system?)
thats it. i need to die now.
Jer's team won the Calgary Summer Hockey League championship last night as as resident fan/equipment manager/ comissioner's girlfriend, I was part of the celebration. There were many beers drank out of the cup last night.
Blah. I cant even make myself continue the story. The squirrels in my head are fighting too much. I have too many deadlines to go home sick and sleep...but i am hardly worth the 150/hr i am charging clients to work. I need gatorade, a cheeseburger, and a pillow. (except Jer has my bank card so i cant get them... do you think i can convince the store in my building to reestablish the barter system?)
thats it. i need to die now.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Gumbyland: Can it be real?
I just remembered the dream I had last night...well, actually, this morning between Jer getting up and me hitting the snooze bar for the first of 15 times...
I went to "Gumbyland" a theme park dedicated to everyone's fave posable action gum figure(?!?!)located in scenic Norway.
I love Gumby. I have a tiny Gumby (actually called a "Gumbitty") and Pokey...both are permanent fixtures on my work computer (no matter where ive worked) and have been over the last 3 years. When i wasnt working, they sat on my microwave because i have a laptop at home and the microwave seemed computer-like enough for their presence. I bought them in Vancouver originally for my ex Ian (who owned about 30 gumbies, a gumby poster, lamp, and soap all in varying sizes...but had no Gumbitty)but became attached to them and, uh, got them in the divorce.
So anyways, in my dream, I was sitting with Jer and a bunch of people i know from work and his hockey team and im showing them a slideshow of my pictures from Gumbyland. They all involved people in Gumby suits standing infront of castles which,as I explained to everyone, were quite common in Norway. (and no, I have never actually been to Norway)
A land of Giant gumbies and castles? Could it be true? Well, i just spent some of my lunch hour looking it up...and I am sad to report that there is no real Gumbyland in Norway or elsewhere. Thats too bad... i mean have you ever seen an episode of Gumby? Its really quite fucked. I just watched a clip of one and a giant cinnamon bun starting speaking to them in french and teaching them how to order orange juice en francais. Gumbyland would be like a total acid trip.
I guess what it means, though, is that i could take initiative and start my own Gumbyland... except I dont speak Norweigan...and I dont know of any cinnamon buns that could teach me.
I went to "Gumbyland" a theme park dedicated to everyone's fave posable action gum figure(?!?!)located in scenic Norway.
I love Gumby. I have a tiny Gumby (actually called a "Gumbitty") and Pokey...both are permanent fixtures on my work computer (no matter where ive worked) and have been over the last 3 years. When i wasnt working, they sat on my microwave because i have a laptop at home and the microwave seemed computer-like enough for their presence. I bought them in Vancouver originally for my ex Ian (who owned about 30 gumbies, a gumby poster, lamp, and soap all in varying sizes...but had no Gumbitty)but became attached to them and, uh, got them in the divorce.
So anyways, in my dream, I was sitting with Jer and a bunch of people i know from work and his hockey team and im showing them a slideshow of my pictures from Gumbyland. They all involved people in Gumby suits standing infront of castles which,as I explained to everyone, were quite common in Norway. (and no, I have never actually been to Norway)
A land of Giant gumbies and castles? Could it be true? Well, i just spent some of my lunch hour looking it up...and I am sad to report that there is no real Gumbyland in Norway or elsewhere. Thats too bad... i mean have you ever seen an episode of Gumby? Its really quite fucked. I just watched a clip of one and a giant cinnamon bun starting speaking to them in french and teaching them how to order orange juice en francais. Gumbyland would be like a total acid trip.
I guess what it means, though, is that i could take initiative and start my own Gumbyland... except I dont speak Norweigan...and I dont know of any cinnamon buns that could teach me.
An open letter to the Moogle
Chompy:
I know you read my blog sometimes, so I thought i would leave you a little message.
The last few days have been pretty crappy for you and I know you've been feeling a little down about it...but I want you to know that i think you are wonderful and amazing. Even when other people make you feel insignifigant, remember that you aren't useless or unimportant...you are important to your brothers, sister, mom, your nephew and the rest of your family, your friends, and my fish (he told me so yesterday) and to me...and I'll keep wooting for you at all the appropriate moments.
I'd go on here, but Im at work right now and this kinda stuff makes me cry.
mooglekisses
I know you read my blog sometimes, so I thought i would leave you a little message.
The last few days have been pretty crappy for you and I know you've been feeling a little down about it...but I want you to know that i think you are wonderful and amazing. Even when other people make you feel insignifigant, remember that you aren't useless or unimportant...you are important to your brothers, sister, mom, your nephew and the rest of your family, your friends, and my fish (he told me so yesterday) and to me...and I'll keep wooting for you at all the appropriate moments.
I'd go on here, but Im at work right now and this kinda stuff makes me cry.
mooglekisses
Sunday, August 07, 2005
I hate August 7
No, not because Im still at work at 100 am on a Saturday night...and that im not even close to done work...and they turned off the air conditioning 3 hours ago...
I have a more sinister reason for despising this particular day. I really dont like talking about it... or the person it involves... but er, um, I was supposed to get married on August 7 three years ago.
I'll tell the story some day. Just not now. Just not today.
I have a more sinister reason for despising this particular day. I really dont like talking about it... or the person it involves... but er, um, I was supposed to get married on August 7 three years ago.
I'll tell the story some day. Just not now. Just not today.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
The teeth story
So how i lost teeth. Its a messy story. About a messy time in my life when everything was, well, messed up. I guess you should really substitute the word "messy" for "fucked", because it really was quite a fucked situation.
During Christmas break of my first year of law school I broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. Its really weird, because during that break, more than half of the people i knew who came into law school with long term, long distance relationship decided to end them. Anyways, so after basically destroying the heart and possibly ruining the life of my ex,(but not really, because he actually got engaged to someone like a year later...after knowing her for less than 6 months... and as far as i have heard they are still happily married) I was in a weird place that i had not been in in a very long time. I was single. I could do what i wanted without getting someone's approval. And what did i want to do?
1. Drink. (and heavily)
2. Party. (and often)
3. Get laid. (And how!)
A few weeks after the earth crushing and emotionally draining experience of the break-up [ which im not going into too deep here. But it really was a bad situation and totally fucked me up. I felt like the biggest asshole in the universe for doing it to him, and at the same time felt horribly guilty for being so damned happy about moving on with my life. I really have never gotten into explaining the relationship i had with the "Super-ex", as i call him on here, on the old 13 x13 but i guess you can imagine what is was like to be 23 and had only really dated one person before and by breaking up with that person you were losing your boyfriend...best friend...and most of your stuff (because it was still at the house you used to live in together and he was still there and you felt bad asking for it back)...well shit, looks like i did decide to descibe it all after all. now back to my teeth], I began dating someone else.
His name was Nate and he was a year ahead of me in law school. What we had in common, besides both being in the same college, was that both of us had recently ended a serious relationship, we enjoyed heavy drinking to the point of puking/passing out, and we both wanted tons of sex. Our whole relationship involved him meeting me after class, us getting obliterated on booze, having sex, passing out, and usually eating pizza or chinese food in the morning. There are tons of Nate stories peppered throughout law school. Im actually surprised this is the first time old Natie came up. Some of the stories are pretty sexually explicit...some are kind of scary...some are just sad. He was a drunk with an anger problem (in fact the first of 3 guys ive dated who have taken anger management...although his was court ordered after he tried to beat up a professor from law school...because he was told to leave a law formal...because he wouldnt leave me alone...yeah. there are lots of stories about nate.)
Anyways, the beginning of the second semester of law school was a good time to decide to be a drunk and to date a fellow drunk. There was law games at the beginning of January ( my sport: boat racing), legal follies ( a variety show where you get drunk and then perform skits and songs) and a few pub crawls. I honestly believe i wasnt sober the whole month of January. I found a paper i wrote that January not too long ago in my apartment... its barely in the english language. Im not too surprised that i got a C-. I became a local celebrity of sorts in law school... i was that first year chick who could drink like a fish and chug a beer in seconds flat.
So now that you can imagine what i was like at that time and i have set the total scene...the story of my missing teeth. First of all, they arent totally missing...just 1 snapped off about halfway up and the other one had a giant chip taken out of it. So the dentist just built up a crown on them. You cant tell which ones they are just by looking at me, but they are the left front and left, i dunno incisor (!?!?) right next to it. But all in all, I have fake teeth and wear that honor proudly.
So after the January of non stop intoxication, Nate ( who was the guy who planned all the parties in our law college... i know how to pick em) decided to plan a pub crawl for the first weekend in February. He decided to plan a "drink a small town dry" pub-- where, as the name suggests, you take a bus to a crappy small town and find the local tavern and keep drinking until they run out of alcohol or they kick you out. Of course, before you get to the planned town, you must stop at every bar along the way and drink...and when you get back onto the bus, you must also drink. As I was the guy who was controlling the booze's hump buddy (i wouldnt call me a girlfriend, per se) i pretty much had 2 or 3 beers on the go at a time. When we arrive at a bar, I would chug all 3 beers and then get off the bus to continue drinking. At each bar, I would have a few shooters, and then chug a few more beers. At me and my friends' last estimate, I had probably had close to 20 beers in about 2 hours.
And (from what i recall) I was a total gong show. I was trying to open the emergency hatch on the roof of the bus. I was hanging my head out the doors while the bus was moving mere inches from the highway. I was wresting with Nate on the floor. I was singing kareoke into the intercom (which actually, i do when im sober as well...so never mind). And everyone was cheering me on.
So we finally get to our last destination...scenic Warman Saskatchewan. Im totally wasted, but unlike my friends who were also excessively drunk, Im still in pretty coherent condition. So we get off the bus and are proudly marching to the door, slowly maybe, but still with determination....when this fat girl ( i usually would say "bigger" or "heavier set" but due to the next part of the story, no she was just a big fat bitch) comes running up beside me and yells "Come on (Juicy's real name), Move it! You have drinking to do!" And PUSHES ME.
Now...I had drank a lot that night...and really wasnt feeling that great anymore....and really hadnt been sober in over 35 days...and had been pushed from behind by a fat chick...and...
SPLAT
Fell flat on my face.
I laid there for a while. People were freaking out. My encouraging fans were close to tears thinking that i was horribly injured or maybe dead. I really dont know where Nate was... cuz to this day i dont recall him being around when all this happened. I just remember thinking "Crap. I think i ripped my new jeans".
After a few minutes, i rolled over and looked at everyone... well, everyone who was still there. Most of the people had gone into the bar by this time and were doing shooters. I felt my face and felt that it was slightly bleeding ( i had some pretty bad road rash) and my jaw was really sore ( it would be swollen and bruised for weeks) and then i started giggling because, i mean i was really still quite drunk. While I was having a giggle fit, i noticed this weird metallic taste in my mouth and knew something had to be wrong. My best friend Lulu ( who less than 10 minutes before was the most ridiculous human i had ever seen because she was so wasted) was now telling people to back away from me and was looking for a ride for the hospital. Slowly I stood up to ask her "where is Nate?" but only got half a syllable out...because out of my mouth fell a piece of tooth.
I cant recall what happened after that. Im told i would go from crying to laughing to crying again non stop for about an hour. I refused to go to the hospital and, actually, kept drinking. Nate, who seemed mysteriously absent when i actually hurt myself, still took me home and fucked me that night... even with a swollen face and 2 broken teeth ( there just wasnt any kissing or oral). The worst part, so I am told, is that i kept crying that now for sure no one would ever love me again. I think I tried to call the super ex too...but chickened out.
The next day i refused to go to school. I had emergency dental work done instead. When i returned to class, everyone in the school had heard the story about how everyone's fave party girl had one drink too many and lost some teeth. Im sure the story is still heard around the old alma mater. But really, i just kinda meant that for that time in my life, the party was over. I needed something to pull me out of the cess pool i was falling into...or i guess knock some sense into me...and it happened to be a drunk fat girl.
The fake teeth make me laugh because they are a testament to (one) of the messiest times in my life...which, like the teeth themselves, I appear to have gotten out of unscathed...on the outside.
During Christmas break of my first year of law school I broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. Its really weird, because during that break, more than half of the people i knew who came into law school with long term, long distance relationship decided to end them. Anyways, so after basically destroying the heart and possibly ruining the life of my ex,(but not really, because he actually got engaged to someone like a year later...after knowing her for less than 6 months... and as far as i have heard they are still happily married) I was in a weird place that i had not been in in a very long time. I was single. I could do what i wanted without getting someone's approval. And what did i want to do?
1. Drink. (and heavily)
2. Party. (and often)
3. Get laid. (And how!)
A few weeks after the earth crushing and emotionally draining experience of the break-up [ which im not going into too deep here. But it really was a bad situation and totally fucked me up. I felt like the biggest asshole in the universe for doing it to him, and at the same time felt horribly guilty for being so damned happy about moving on with my life. I really have never gotten into explaining the relationship i had with the "Super-ex", as i call him on here, on the old 13 x13 but i guess you can imagine what is was like to be 23 and had only really dated one person before and by breaking up with that person you were losing your boyfriend...best friend...and most of your stuff (because it was still at the house you used to live in together and he was still there and you felt bad asking for it back)...well shit, looks like i did decide to descibe it all after all. now back to my teeth], I began dating someone else.
His name was Nate and he was a year ahead of me in law school. What we had in common, besides both being in the same college, was that both of us had recently ended a serious relationship, we enjoyed heavy drinking to the point of puking/passing out, and we both wanted tons of sex. Our whole relationship involved him meeting me after class, us getting obliterated on booze, having sex, passing out, and usually eating pizza or chinese food in the morning. There are tons of Nate stories peppered throughout law school. Im actually surprised this is the first time old Natie came up. Some of the stories are pretty sexually explicit...some are kind of scary...some are just sad. He was a drunk with an anger problem (in fact the first of 3 guys ive dated who have taken anger management...although his was court ordered after he tried to beat up a professor from law school...because he was told to leave a law formal...because he wouldnt leave me alone...yeah. there are lots of stories about nate.)
Anyways, the beginning of the second semester of law school was a good time to decide to be a drunk and to date a fellow drunk. There was law games at the beginning of January ( my sport: boat racing), legal follies ( a variety show where you get drunk and then perform skits and songs) and a few pub crawls. I honestly believe i wasnt sober the whole month of January. I found a paper i wrote that January not too long ago in my apartment... its barely in the english language. Im not too surprised that i got a C-. I became a local celebrity of sorts in law school... i was that first year chick who could drink like a fish and chug a beer in seconds flat.
So now that you can imagine what i was like at that time and i have set the total scene...the story of my missing teeth. First of all, they arent totally missing...just 1 snapped off about halfway up and the other one had a giant chip taken out of it. So the dentist just built up a crown on them. You cant tell which ones they are just by looking at me, but they are the left front and left, i dunno incisor (!?!?) right next to it. But all in all, I have fake teeth and wear that honor proudly.
So after the January of non stop intoxication, Nate ( who was the guy who planned all the parties in our law college... i know how to pick em) decided to plan a pub crawl for the first weekend in February. He decided to plan a "drink a small town dry" pub-- where, as the name suggests, you take a bus to a crappy small town and find the local tavern and keep drinking until they run out of alcohol or they kick you out. Of course, before you get to the planned town, you must stop at every bar along the way and drink...and when you get back onto the bus, you must also drink. As I was the guy who was controlling the booze's hump buddy (i wouldnt call me a girlfriend, per se) i pretty much had 2 or 3 beers on the go at a time. When we arrive at a bar, I would chug all 3 beers and then get off the bus to continue drinking. At each bar, I would have a few shooters, and then chug a few more beers. At me and my friends' last estimate, I had probably had close to 20 beers in about 2 hours.
And (from what i recall) I was a total gong show. I was trying to open the emergency hatch on the roof of the bus. I was hanging my head out the doors while the bus was moving mere inches from the highway. I was wresting with Nate on the floor. I was singing kareoke into the intercom (which actually, i do when im sober as well...so never mind). And everyone was cheering me on.
So we finally get to our last destination...scenic Warman Saskatchewan. Im totally wasted, but unlike my friends who were also excessively drunk, Im still in pretty coherent condition. So we get off the bus and are proudly marching to the door, slowly maybe, but still with determination....when this fat girl ( i usually would say "bigger" or "heavier set" but due to the next part of the story, no she was just a big fat bitch) comes running up beside me and yells "Come on (Juicy's real name), Move it! You have drinking to do!" And PUSHES ME.
Now...I had drank a lot that night...and really wasnt feeling that great anymore....and really hadnt been sober in over 35 days...and had been pushed from behind by a fat chick...and...
SPLAT
Fell flat on my face.
I laid there for a while. People were freaking out. My encouraging fans were close to tears thinking that i was horribly injured or maybe dead. I really dont know where Nate was... cuz to this day i dont recall him being around when all this happened. I just remember thinking "Crap. I think i ripped my new jeans".
After a few minutes, i rolled over and looked at everyone... well, everyone who was still there. Most of the people had gone into the bar by this time and were doing shooters. I felt my face and felt that it was slightly bleeding ( i had some pretty bad road rash) and my jaw was really sore ( it would be swollen and bruised for weeks) and then i started giggling because, i mean i was really still quite drunk. While I was having a giggle fit, i noticed this weird metallic taste in my mouth and knew something had to be wrong. My best friend Lulu ( who less than 10 minutes before was the most ridiculous human i had ever seen because she was so wasted) was now telling people to back away from me and was looking for a ride for the hospital. Slowly I stood up to ask her "where is Nate?" but only got half a syllable out...because out of my mouth fell a piece of tooth.
I cant recall what happened after that. Im told i would go from crying to laughing to crying again non stop for about an hour. I refused to go to the hospital and, actually, kept drinking. Nate, who seemed mysteriously absent when i actually hurt myself, still took me home and fucked me that night... even with a swollen face and 2 broken teeth ( there just wasnt any kissing or oral). The worst part, so I am told, is that i kept crying that now for sure no one would ever love me again. I think I tried to call the super ex too...but chickened out.
The next day i refused to go to school. I had emergency dental work done instead. When i returned to class, everyone in the school had heard the story about how everyone's fave party girl had one drink too many and lost some teeth. Im sure the story is still heard around the old alma mater. But really, i just kinda meant that for that time in my life, the party was over. I needed something to pull me out of the cess pool i was falling into...or i guess knock some sense into me...and it happened to be a drunk fat girl.
The fake teeth make me laugh because they are a testament to (one) of the messiest times in my life...which, like the teeth themselves, I appear to have gotten out of unscathed...on the outside.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Airing some of my dirty dishes
I just came to the realization that i had 11 coffee mugs in my office. My response? Maybe if they didnt work me so hard i wouldnt have to drink so much damned coffee...maybe i'd be able to go home and get a decent night sleep and wouldnt need coffee to function... maybe id have time to take the dirty cups down to the kitchen... maybe i'd, oh crap, forget it. Im just a slob about certain things, and dishes is one of them.
Speaking about jobs...had that interview yesterday and it went okay. They really already offered me the job...but im a little skerred. Its a smaller office (only 2 dudes there) and I'd basically have to self market, which i am noooo good at. Also, there is more of a "eat what you kill" method of pay-- i would get a percentage of my billings along with a base salary-- which could be either good or bad, im not sure which, really. They would let me do basically whatever type of law i want and they would pay for me to take seminars and such.... but seriously. its a tiny office. and mine would have no window. and its located in a less than pleasing location. However, they said i could be brought into the partnership within 3 years (boo-yah!!!!)
In case you noticed, Im not sure yet about accepting it.
In other juicy related news, Jer's little hockey team is playing for the championship of the Calgary Summer Hockey League. I have been attending the games lately (along with 2 other fans...both also girlfriends of players) and wooting at appropriate moments. Its really fun and we go for beer and deep fried food ( which i lovingly call the "sodium platter") after each game. Seriously, though, that salty food is noooo good. One night it made my feet swell. Last night Jer couldnt sleep and we blamed it on the fact that his body was lacking any type of moisture from said platter. Anyhoo, Go Aces Go! ( just dont ask why they wear piss yellow jerseys... its apparently a sore spot).
Thats all for the moment. As a request to dear Skindee, i will recant the tale of how i got fake teeth soon. Any other requests? (although not too nasty because i charge a premium of 5.99 for the first minute and 3.99 for each after for that stuff). If you dont mind me, im going to go get a cup of coffee to first enjoy and then add to my collection.
Speaking about jobs...had that interview yesterday and it went okay. They really already offered me the job...but im a little skerred. Its a smaller office (only 2 dudes there) and I'd basically have to self market, which i am noooo good at. Also, there is more of a "eat what you kill" method of pay-- i would get a percentage of my billings along with a base salary-- which could be either good or bad, im not sure which, really. They would let me do basically whatever type of law i want and they would pay for me to take seminars and such.... but seriously. its a tiny office. and mine would have no window. and its located in a less than pleasing location. However, they said i could be brought into the partnership within 3 years (boo-yah!!!!)
In case you noticed, Im not sure yet about accepting it.
In other juicy related news, Jer's little hockey team is playing for the championship of the Calgary Summer Hockey League. I have been attending the games lately (along with 2 other fans...both also girlfriends of players) and wooting at appropriate moments. Its really fun and we go for beer and deep fried food ( which i lovingly call the "sodium platter") after each game. Seriously, though, that salty food is noooo good. One night it made my feet swell. Last night Jer couldnt sleep and we blamed it on the fact that his body was lacking any type of moisture from said platter. Anyhoo, Go Aces Go! ( just dont ask why they wear piss yellow jerseys... its apparently a sore spot).
Thats all for the moment. As a request to dear Skindee, i will recant the tale of how i got fake teeth soon. Any other requests? (although not too nasty because i charge a premium of 5.99 for the first minute and 3.99 for each after for that stuff). If you dont mind me, im going to go get a cup of coffee to first enjoy and then add to my collection.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Confessions of a (former) Internet dater...
So for shits and giggles this afternoon while awaiting an important fax, I decided, quite out of the blue, to look up and see if i could find my ad/picture thingy on all the internet dating sites i useda frequent. I really used to be into it... guess it had to do with the fact that i was a bit of a shut in for those 10 months where i wasnt working and was only leaving the house to get wasted and (usually) pick up a random.
After hunting a few down, i realised something...
Fuck am i funny.
On MSN Personals as "Juicy58"
I wrote that my hobbies were "working for the weekend" and "rocking like a hurricane". I also said that my favourite things were "wasting time until high again" , "back seat of a volkswagen**" and telling sinners to repent their sins.
[ ** if you dont know that reference, well, shame on you. Rent Mallrats without haste!]
On Yahoo personals, as 'fiyahwhenready' I begin by saying that my bike is cooler than their bike (likely true) but then challenged any guy to try and 'out crazy me'. Hmmm... wonder why i got so many weirdos?!?!?!
No there is nothing wrong with my arms. I have no idea why i am standing like that...
For Lemontonic (under the name of Fire When Ready)
I wrote the ad while so wasted i actually wrote "no bad spelers. i wont even read your message if its wrong" (without meaning to be funny). I actually had to have them email me my passcode to delete that account... as it was similar to what my password usually is, just a few keys off. On that one i also said that i had fake teeth. I mean, its true and all, but not exactly something people look for in a first date. Ohhh! Look at this girl, she sure is cute... too bad all her teeth are real. (And the picture? One part webcam, 8 parts vodka)
Firewhenready on Onion Personals lists her fave love scene as: Anything from Bend-over Boyfriend, volumes I and II. Errr..Um, I mean something tender and sweet. (i guess i decided to just put my feelings towards doing guys up the bum with strap-ons out there right away?!?!) And then i specify that "eating hot dogs is sexy; but eating corn dogs is sexier". (must be the stick that makes it so) The kicker? I write that i am looking for: "Someone who is a smartass, but also well educated and enjoys pop culture type shit. Oh, and body piercings, tattoos, and a big dick help." Interesting. I guess i forgot to add "likes strap ons in the bum".
I never got any response to that ad... i always blamed the picture. Its pretty small and grainy.
Hi5 I joined because my one friend kept bugging me to join. I wasnt looking for love at all. However, I keep (to the this day) getting messages from guys who want to cyber. I dont know why.. I wrote that my hobbies include "kicking yer ass!"
Maybe its the picture... its prolly one of my faves of all time...me in monaco at the grand casino
To be honest, i never really put much effort into those sites... I was a Lavalife junkie all the way. My ad was pretty good there... got me lotsa dates and a few boyfriends. I admitted to liking to build forts with pillows and running thru the sprinkler. Strangely i didnt say anything about strap ons or fake teeth... although i changed my headline daily and i did say a few times that my bike was cooler.
( i actually had quite a few on there... this was my fave)
After hunting a few down, i realised something...
Fuck am i funny.
On MSN Personals as "Juicy58"
I wrote that my hobbies were "working for the weekend" and "rocking like a hurricane". I also said that my favourite things were "wasting time until high again" , "back seat of a volkswagen**" and telling sinners to repent their sins.[ ** if you dont know that reference, well, shame on you. Rent Mallrats without haste!]
On Yahoo personals, as 'fiyahwhenready' I begin by saying that my bike is cooler than their bike (likely true) but then challenged any guy to try and 'out crazy me'. Hmmm... wonder why i got so many weirdos?!?!?!
No there is nothing wrong with my arms. I have no idea why i am standing like that...For Lemontonic (under the name of Fire When Ready)
I wrote the ad while so wasted i actually wrote "no bad spelers. i wont even read your message if its wrong" (without meaning to be funny). I actually had to have them email me my passcode to delete that account... as it was similar to what my password usually is, just a few keys off. On that one i also said that i had fake teeth. I mean, its true and all, but not exactly something people look for in a first date. Ohhh! Look at this girl, she sure is cute... too bad all her teeth are real. (And the picture? One part webcam, 8 parts vodka)Firewhenready on Onion Personals lists her fave love scene as: Anything from Bend-over Boyfriend, volumes I and II. Errr..Um, I mean something tender and sweet. (i guess i decided to just put my feelings towards doing guys up the bum with strap-ons out there right away?!?!) And then i specify that "eating hot dogs is sexy; but eating corn dogs is sexier". (must be the stick that makes it so) The kicker? I write that i am looking for: "Someone who is a smartass, but also well educated and enjoys pop culture type shit. Oh, and body piercings, tattoos, and a big dick help." Interesting. I guess i forgot to add "likes strap ons in the bum".
I never got any response to that ad... i always blamed the picture. Its pretty small and grainy. Hi5 I joined because my one friend kept bugging me to join. I wasnt looking for love at all. However, I keep (to the this day) getting messages from guys who want to cyber. I dont know why.. I wrote that my hobbies include "kicking yer ass!"
Maybe its the picture... its prolly one of my faves of all time...me in monaco at the grand casinoTo be honest, i never really put much effort into those sites... I was a Lavalife junkie all the way. My ad was pretty good there... got me lotsa dates and a few boyfriends. I admitted to liking to build forts with pillows and running thru the sprinkler. Strangely i didnt say anything about strap ons or fake teeth... although i changed my headline daily and i did say a few times that my bike was cooler.
( i actually had quite a few on there... this was my fave)
Back from the long weekend
[in response to CBK who asked what we got the day off for, its one of those classic Canadian "first monday of the month and so we think we need a day off" holidays...its really what separates Canada from the US-- you guys need to justify a holiday by putting a name of a president on it...we are just too damned lazy and just say "yeah, its a holiday monday, whatever". actually i think they call it "heritage day" but thats only been its name for the last 3 or 4 years]
I guess Im "back" although I didnt actually go anywhere...Jer promised me we could go away for a night, but then changed his mind the morning we were supposed to leave, as he is very apt to do. I swear to gawd he is like Tom Green in Road Trip-- never wants to leave this damned city! I need to get out! Hellllp! Lemme out! Lemme out!
Well, we did go to the beach just outside of the city and lay in the sand and eat a bunch of junk food. I somehow managed to scrape myself between my asscheeks while i was there which hurts about as bad as it sounds... i really dont know how i did it and will now stop with all discussion about it...its really kinda gross. (and yes, had it been from some sort of kinky bondage thingy i woulda provided details). Also gross was the weird irridecent glow that came off the water. I dunno. Its a man made lake...who knows what they built it over. Dont get me wrong, I did have fun there. Im an uber pessimist.. i just point out the bad in everything.
Speaking of bad, I should let you know that im also looking into cheating. No silly, on my job. ( I dont cheat on people...just companies) I have a job interview for another law firm tomorrow. Im only on temporary here until October (at which time they will decide whether to renew me for 3 more months or keep me permanent) and I have an evil feeling they wont want to keep me on. Today I had 3 of my new files taken away from me and handed to some new bitch who starts next week. Im basically being replaced before i even leave. They also pay me shit here... i make one third of what my friends do. I didnt go to school for 7 years to make less than my assistant. Lets just say that despite the fact that its really busy here right now, i really dont feel like busting my hump for people that dont appreciate me. Ive done that before and the place still let me go.
As it is the start of the month, you will be happy to know i made a new list...unlike the one in July which was quite in depth, all this one says is "FIND NEW JOB" and "NEED VACATION". At least its only 28 days until the September long weekend...
I guess Im "back" although I didnt actually go anywhere...Jer promised me we could go away for a night, but then changed his mind the morning we were supposed to leave, as he is very apt to do. I swear to gawd he is like Tom Green in Road Trip-- never wants to leave this damned city! I need to get out! Hellllp! Lemme out! Lemme out!
Well, we did go to the beach just outside of the city and lay in the sand and eat a bunch of junk food. I somehow managed to scrape myself between my asscheeks while i was there which hurts about as bad as it sounds... i really dont know how i did it and will now stop with all discussion about it...its really kinda gross. (and yes, had it been from some sort of kinky bondage thingy i woulda provided details). Also gross was the weird irridecent glow that came off the water. I dunno. Its a man made lake...who knows what they built it over. Dont get me wrong, I did have fun there. Im an uber pessimist.. i just point out the bad in everything.
Speaking of bad, I should let you know that im also looking into cheating. No silly, on my job. ( I dont cheat on people...just companies) I have a job interview for another law firm tomorrow. Im only on temporary here until October (at which time they will decide whether to renew me for 3 more months or keep me permanent) and I have an evil feeling they wont want to keep me on. Today I had 3 of my new files taken away from me and handed to some new bitch who starts next week. Im basically being replaced before i even leave. They also pay me shit here... i make one third of what my friends do. I didnt go to school for 7 years to make less than my assistant. Lets just say that despite the fact that its really busy here right now, i really dont feel like busting my hump for people that dont appreciate me. Ive done that before and the place still let me go.
As it is the start of the month, you will be happy to know i made a new list...unlike the one in July which was quite in depth, all this one says is "FIND NEW JOB" and "NEED VACATION". At least its only 28 days until the September long weekend...
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