Holy Crap!!!

Dude! I passed the Bar Exams!!!

Whew. I need to sit down. Im shaking.

Merry Blah-mas

Bored. In E town. No drinkin. No humpin.No fun posts.

Sorry, kids. Im trying, seriously i am.

Day 04!?!?!?

Yes, day four. I wish i was shittin ya, but i aint. And day four was prolly the pinnacle, the top, the outmost of the 4 days of drinking.

It began when i met up with Mila and his friends for a "walk down 17th". Yup. Famous muthafuckin last words.

Started at at the ship with a bloody mary...and the beginning of one of the repeated themes of the night. The singing of the Old Spice song. [ Doo doo de doo doo de de doo doo de doo doo....]
Went to "jim the octopus" [aka Bob the Fish...and another theme of the night] to play Buck hunter. At some point i began referring to myself as "Pussy Galore" and began hump attacking EVERYTHING. [theme 3]

At some point we ended up at Lucky...all the while hump attacking, singing the old spice song, and calling Graham "jim the octopus". At some point me and Mila became dancin fools. Apparently we were "vogue-ing". And yes-- at one point i was table dancing for the peoples. When the bouncers asked me to get down, I informed them i was just "giving the people what they wanted".

Then we went to Tantra [and erm, i may had a bit of a jealousy attack causing us to leave] so me and Mila decided to buy a case of black label [ obviously we werent drunk enough?!?!] and get bizzay. Maybe the constant hump attacking triggered sumpin in his brain.

I gave him a "special birthday BJ" [oh yeah, it was his bday-- i also got him some piercings, no, just his ears..for now] and i think we had sex.

But seriously. Im starting to get spotty... the drinking honestly ends now.

Waking up with a hangover...third day in a row.

Man. This has gotta stop. My hangovers are only separated by more bouts of power drinking where i find myself chugging back the red bull and voddys, making lewd phone calls to people, and trying to not puke.

Last night was even more fugged up than the preceeding nights-- well, i think it was. [my memory is kinda patchy]

So i ended up at Cowboys again...but this time i didnt get ditched by everyone [and no, i havent heard from B Rabbit yet although i have been informed that she and EL ended up going to the Roadhouse on Friday, as i assumed, so they could meet up with their "boys".] Instead, I ended up drinking a bunch of jagermeister [strike one], jack daniels [strike two] and red bull and voddy [strike 3...yer outta there!] and being a typical drunken buffoon.

I was supposed to meet up with the IB [who i somehow have now christened "Mila" ] and sent him a text message...but a weird bermuda triangle like thing occurred to my cell and it simply just stopped working. I knew that he was at the Rose and Crown, so i decided to go there. I got there, and the door was locked [i have realised in the last few hours that its prolly cuz it was upwards of 2 am at this time...] so i just decided to go home.

I got a cab. The dude was acting all weird and asking me questions about whether i was married. I said no, but then managed to work Mila's name into every sentence after that. Then, the cabbie pulled into the back alley, stopped the car, and told me he wanted me to kiss him or he wouldnt let me out... i fucking freaked. He turned around and pulled my shirt up...and i kicked him [a front kick, thank you kickboxing] in the chest. I got out of the cab and was crying. Just so ya know, I called the cab company today and reported him. Im still contemplating calling the cops.

So last night, as i was crying these 2 guys and a girl came around the corner into the alley and asked if i was ok... i said yeah, and told them what happened. They asked if i wanted to call the cops, i said no. Then the one dude said "hey, wanna get stoned?".

So i went into this parking garage with these 3 people i didnt know [although they all introduced themselves and told me what their hopes and dreams were...so then i could say i "knew" them] to get baked. I ended up getting soooooo friggin baked. I was a gong show. I decided to walk home... although i was still a little freaked about the cabbie [and the drug paranoia was kicking in], so i found this big stick and carried it with me. People were actually pulling up next to me as i was walking and were yelling "Hey, nice stick!".

As i approached my place, the munchies set in. So i went to Subway in true shoegazer style to get a sammy. First, they were a little upset about the stick and made me leave it outside. :( Next, they werent too impressed that I ordered a sammy that wasnt on the menu [a BMT...very tasty!] and asked that they put "Every muthafuckin topping on it!!" [and yes, i said this about 5 times to the girl]. But i think the kicker [ of which i was actually ASKED to leave] was that my darling sandwich artist did not like Duran Duran and really truly did not like that i kept singing to her. [ who doesnt like Duran Duran? WTF? Especially 'New Moon on Monday' and 'Rio'?] I wonder if they have security tapes. I wonder if i could get my hands on it... i musta been a sight if i was kicked out of a 24 hr sandwich place.

I got home with my 'muthafuckin sandwich', called Mila to explain what had happened [and apparently, to sing to him], left myself a long dictaphone message about how i was so upset about everyone abandoning me [im a suck... although the funny thing being that i actually wasnt abandoned by Mila, he thought i abandoned him]and then dropped my muthafuckin sandwich on the floor. I guess i thought i was going to puke [maybe scarfing down a footlong sammich oozing with muthafuckin toppings had sumpin to do with it] as i discuss this with some concern on the dictaphone message.

Woke up today, naturally, still drunk. Was able to fix my phone. Had Mila call all concerned that he hadnt heard from me since around 11 pm the night before. And now, blogged it all for my adoring audience. With that, im now going to go clean up the 'muthafuckin toppings' off my floor and lay down. Seriously. No drinking tonite.

Voted out of the Tribe

Last night, went to Cowboys with the posse. It, of course because its Cowboys, sucked long and hard. But what made it worse... is that they fuggin abandoned me.

Is this the way it is? Just because im not lookin for randoms anymore that they will just jettison me when needed to pick up on their own? But, what actually makes it funnier, is once they ditched me, i met about 20 guys who all would had been choice meat for the girls.

Im "supposed" to go out with them again tonite...being that i havent heard from IB and what he wants to do. And Im supposed to go to Cowboys. Good Golly.

Wonder who will be left out on the proverbial ice floe tonite to prevent bringing down the rest of the tribe of little eskimoes.

not still drinkin...

still drunk.

ok, the IB had his christmas party last night and i got stupid drunk and, apparently, still am drunk.

so heres sumpin funny. one of his co-workers is actually someone that i met on the lava...and i never met in person cuz he kept talking about his penis all the time and it got a little old. even funnier, i was seated in between them at the dinner. even more funnier, he emailed me and asked if we could, basically, do it. not likely.

other things from last nite: laid into IB about the pining for the ex thing. all he had to say was "i told you about that". huh.

also interesting, my leg is totally scraped up. did i run into a wall? literally....did i RUN into a wall. its totally fucked up.

A story for Doyle...

While msn-ing with a former co-worker and kindred spirit last night, I referred to an embarrassing story which happened to me a few months ago [in what i would refer to the "bridesmaid period"]. It was hard to explain via msn, so here it is in full for Mr. Doyle...

A Tale of Two Roommates

Last February, while still messed up about the Dumbass situation, I spent a lot of time getting shmammerred with B Rabbit and her friend T. One night, we went to a house party at T's friend Mark's house. I think it was his birthday. Anyways, he introduced me to a friend of his, Burke, who not only used to be a male stripper, but was a former player in the NFL. He and i started talking and, while he was totally out of my range of picking up [seriuosly. the dude was hot.] he was a really cool dude.

As the night wore on, and after we had gone bar hopping... i realised that, yes, i was going to pick up. I think this is when he decided to show me and B his penis...just to prove that he was really hung. [and damn. yes, yes he was.] So we all go back to Mark's and i end up in a spare room with Burke and we did so very obviously. What made it more embarrassing, is that apparently we were very very loud and everyone listened.

Never saw Burke again... until i was invited to another house party at Mark's house. This was during the aforementioned "bridesmaid period" and i was always on the prowl [and how!]. I was a little embarrassed to see him, and Mark asked "hey do you know Burke [starts laughing] oh yeah, i guess you do." So i avoided Burke, and began to get very very very drunk. I started chatting with this other guy who was pretty cute but, moreover, not Burke. Well, as you may have guessed... ended up hooking up with Austin [aka "stripper name"]. At the time, i really didnt understand why it was soo funny to everyone why i was sucking face and later left with him.

He was Burke's roommate and, apparently, best friend.

Lets just say if Mark has another party soon...i shant be going. Can you imagine if i ran into them BOTH. What if they had another roommate? B rabbit actually asked me the next day if i knew that they were pals... uh, no. I wouldnt had done it then.

So there you are, Doyle. My embarrasing story that i didnt bother blogging about because i was being made fun of by everyone about picking up those 2 at 2 parties at Marks house. Friggin idiot that i am.

stoned post, the third: life math

Inner turmoil, plus motivation = get nipple rings stretched.
inner turmoil, plus external turmoil = get stoned.
get stoned, plus have internet = blog.

which is better than...

inner turmoil, plus internet = tell off myles.

I was like avoiding him all day while i was all upset about his recent professing of his love to his ex. He tried sending me messages and i logged off. He called twice and i didnt bother answering. He asked me to hang out with him tonite and i changed the topic.

fug. this is dumb. what am i gonna do? ive cried like 6 times today. its so much easier when the guys are just randoms: nobody gets attached, nobody gets hurt. both get sex.

ooh more life math...

like someone, plus damaged goods = sad.

do a random, plus have sex = happy....until you realise what they have made you into. then i guess it equals sad then too.

Goddamn it.

Remember last week how i was kinda stressed about the IB? Well, i just stumbled onto something that i wish i hadnt seen. Last week, he had been posting on club vibes that he was sad that his ex was gone forever and that she was the most perfect person he had ever met and would never be able to replace her.

Nice. Really fucking nice. And after posting all of that, he came over here and like a sucker i let him in and let him stay over. Is that all i am? Some sort of stupid suck who coddles him while he pines over someone else? Is that why i practically had to drag him to bed for sex and he has pushed me away every other time?

Why does this happen to me? How do i find these people? Am i being unduly harsh? I dont think so.

Weird Dreams

Did you ever have a dream that really weirded you out? To the point that you sit awake for like an hour after you have it and try to contemplate where in the depths of your psyche it came?

Last night: I was a psychotic serial killer who had absolutely no idea that i was killing everyone.

In my dream, i was sitting in this room that was all white and i was staring at this white statue that was telling me that i was the only one who could do the right thing and save everyone... i knew that this statue was an angel or some sort of heavenly creature. The room was familiar to me, in fact i think it was my friend Tanya's old place and it was the laundry room that i tripped out in on mushrooms five years ago.

Anyways, in my dream there were 4 other people (apparently my friends) who couldnt hear the angel talking but had come to tell me that they knew it was me and that they would turn me in if i didnt tell the cops. I said i didnt know what they were talking about, being that i had this overwhelming feeling of peace after talking to the angel... i felt ethereal. Then all these ghost like creatures appeared that only i could see. Immediately, i knew these ghosts were from people who had been killed by me.

I fell on my knees and as each ghost approached me, and I was able to remember the horrible way i killed each of them. One girl i burned alive. Another guy i sawed in half with an electric table saw... someone else i actually killed with my teeth. Each was worse than the last and there must had been at least 30 people. Finally, i rolled over on my side and screamed that it wasnt me that killed each person...but i knew i was lying. I asked the white angel statue how i was supposed to save everyone, and it told me that i had to kill myself to stop the killing.

At this point, as with most dreams i have these days that are a little creepy, i told myself to wake up. I was relieved to wake snuggling next to the IB cuz i was pretty freaked. I actually SAW myself ripping out someone's jugular with my teeth. I was wearing clothes that i own and some of the victims even looked familiar.

Weird, eh? Maybe i should start smoking again or something. Stuff like thats just pure fucked.

Frank the Tank returns...

Went to christmas party at Murray's... woke up on my bed wearing different clothes and snuggling my pony Gingie. Between the 2 events I managed to leave nasty messages to the IB, smash my cell and home phone, and have some horrible vendetta against my soup ladle.

The aftermath is that im super hungover, my cell doesnt look so pretty anymore [but does work] and my wall is completely bashed up from the aforementioned smashy smashy.

I havent woken up and had no idea how i got home, since the infamous golf tournament where i woke up and had Dumbass tell me that I had turned into Frank the Tank. No good whatsoever...

Furthermore, ow. My life hurts.

Dont drink and shop

Not only do you end up with a baad hangover [seriously, what is my issue with champagne and red wine?] but with a case of buyers remorse [did i really need the skinny pants?].

Still had a lot of fun, though. Me and Joe, Doig, and Shermy ended up sucking back the pints at the Broken City. I put on the aforementioned party pants and boogied away to some great music.

And the whole time i wondered if should call the IB. I was thinking about if we were to a point where i had to check in to prevent him worrying...then i worried that i would seem too clingy...then i thought id want him to call me if he was in the same situation... then i decided to be a guy and not call. I kept checking with the boys if i was making a mistake in deciding this and they assured me that i wasnt. Still, i sent him an email to let him know that i was thinking about him. I may try to be tough, but sometimes im still a total girl.

Now im going to go lay down and rest. Both my brain and wallet need to take a breather.

Crap.

Hmmm. Yknow how whenever something good happens to me and i think that maybe things will turn up for a change? And then i realise that no, something crappy will start to happen? Yeah. Its starting.

I think that IB got some serious issues. He told me a few times that it wont really affect me [and he still talks about "us" in the future, and is as smootchie and lovey as before] but also stated that he maybe "wasnt ready" for me and was "sorry he brought me into this".

I know its more likely the fact that his life isnt as good as it was before rather than pining for his ex. I think its the nostalgia of what he was living before as compared to now... although he has said that im definately a high point in his life.

I dont know what to do. How many guys do i have to nurse back to relationship health? I did it for Kelly, Ian, and Mark. It worked for Kel [maybe too well], left Ian pretty much in the same place i found him in when i left, and did nothing to Mark and made him return to what i was trying to save him from. When i say "save" i mean i act all understanding and sweet, dont judge when they bark out about things i never did, make them feel better about being with someone. Im tired of saving people.

Yesterday, before he asked if he could come over, I decided that i was going to walk. Hes wonderful and amazing... but i dont know if i can put myself back in the hole for someone. And whenever i break up with someone i say ill never go thru all this again.

Guess ill wait it out, like i always do. The crap just keeps coming back.

Another bad tale from the dark tower...

Just found out one of the kids got canned by the old job. Fark. Makes me feel sad...and kinda glad that i got canned when i did instead of now. Like him, i woulda assumed that there would be a bit of job security with getting hired back and, like him, woulda bought a few big ticket items, like a car or a condo.

And they told him that while they all really liked him, he just didnt "fit" into the department. Again, a little fishy. Appears that they either use the same line on everyone, or that they really have no idea when it comes to hiring.

On the upside, it gives me someone to play with during the day. Well get to play together just like when we were both miserable at the firm and hoping that something good someday may happen to us...

Everything else is good. Im bored from not having any studying to do, and am trying not to use my free time to delve into my great insecurities. The rain cloud is gone. I have to accept that im allowed to live without it and actually allow myself to be happy.

Somebody Dance with Me!!

Ok. So its official. My name is Juicy, and Im a Twin Peaks junkie.

Over the last few days, me and the IB have watched all episodes, the pilot, and the movie. And now... ive seen it all...i know about the black lodge, the white lodge, the one armed man, BOB.... yeah. im a junkie. And now, after gettin me good and hooked, its all over. No more. its done. And they left me with so many many questions. How did Leo get out after Windom Earl left him in such a unsavoury manner? Did Ben actually stay sane or will some other battle be recreated in his cwazy mind? After Audrey and Pete died so suddenly at the end, what comes next? Did James come back? Did Donna keep meddling? Dont even get me started on Cooper being Bob... Yeah. Like i said, obsessed. And the title is a reference to when Leland goes nuttsy and starts dancing with himself and screaming.

Prolly the best part is that every guy ive ever been serious with has totally been into twin peaks, yet this is the first time ive actually seen it. Strange. There are too many twin peaks-ish coincidences between me and the IB. Lotsa good things that hes into that i am too. [And the first boy ive met that likes tiny dogs.] Its weird cuz i used to think that about Dumbass too, that we had a lot of things in common... too many things that he and i would talk about where the answer would be "me too". Which doesnt neccessarily mean that things are likely to go to shit with this one...i am trying to be more positive and trusting. I, of course, have phobias already, but im trying to let them slide. I hate "waiting" for shit to happen.

So status report for the post exam period: not letting myself think that things will go bad with the IB, thinking that i will pass the exams this time, will find a job, and that there will be a next generation of Twin Peaks. [and someone will dance with poor Leland]

Done!!!

what else to say? and yeah, im a little trashed right now.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....

one exam remains in the marathon 2 weeks of exams. golly. what am i going to do when i dont have any studying left to do? did i actually pass this time? it sure feels like it. and im not an optimist.

other stuff is going well. yes, im talkin bout IB. he came over yesterday [after skipping work due to excessive hangover]and we spent the day in a twin peaks marathon. not only am i now addicted to the show [im just short of carrying around a log all day and waiting for the giant to tell me clues as to who killed laura palmer..] im also quite addicted to the boy. i was doing my geisha routine and taking care of him, bringing him pillows, glasses of water, making him dinner and rubbing his tummy...and he really liked it. He kept saying he was going to have to pamper me some day soon in return. Hes also slept over 4 out of 6 nights. And no, we havent done that yet. its funny that originally we planned to meet tomorrow for the first time...im so glad we couldnt wait. hes the best.

am i annoying yet? ha. tough.

until then, gotta read the family law [and think about the case scenarios in reference to characters in twin peaks: would pete receive adequate compensation if he and catherine divorced? would shelly and leo benefit from arbitration to prevent the power imbalance?]. run to the light, juicy, run to the light...