Question: Am i more bored, sad, or annoyed?

Im sorry Im not really in a blogging mood right now. Which is weird, cuz up to 2 minutes ago I was all gung ho and shit...but now its gone. I feel like a lump of mashed potatoes. I was at a conference yesterday where i kept kicking myself to stay awake and I think im still in that kinda mood.

Im also kinda down because my assistant just brought up Barbaro being put down on Monday to me...which absolutely depressed me yet again for the millionth time in the last 2 days. Yesterday I was late for my acting class because I was sitting in my car crying. Such a suck, I know. Its just that when i think about the fate of little racehorses, which sometimes is worse than that of retired greyhounds (with exception to the 2 little spoiled ones in my house), I get sad.

Sigh.

Im also fucking freezing. Isnt there any heat in this place? Huh. I dunno.

Now I have a client on the phone with me. She wont stop babbling.

Seriously 25 min. of her going on.

Another 14min. no end in sight.

shes talking about renovations to a home now? fuck! what is she on?

now her family's medical conditions....

I wish it was 5pm.

I have been on the phone for 1 hour and 37 min.

no end in sight.

FINALLY!

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST! I was just about to hit 'publish' when the receptionist told me she is BACK ON THE PHONE. Apparently 1 hr 58 min was not long enough.

(ps. thats a $400.00 phone call)

I told the receptionist to tell her i was trying to kill myself with a ballpoint pen and to take a message.

Whoa. I apparently had more to blog about that i thought...

Juicy A: Greyhound Smuggler and Threat to Homeland Security

So on Friday afternoon I decided that I was going to help our greyhound organization with the pickup of 20 new dogs from Great Falls, Montana. ( All the dogs are from Wisconsin.... hooray for Cheeseheads!) Dang. It was the longest 12 hours of my life!

So we started out at 630 am. I was driving with this dude I had never met before.... it took about 3 hours for the awkward small talk to be replaced with actual conversation. But he was a really nice dude and all.

Anyway, so there were 3 vans in a type of convoy trying to get to the 'states. The first van goes thru the border guard and it was no problem. We pull up and the dude at the window apparently doesnt like the looks of us or something....and tells us to pull over and come in. The first thing that goes thru my mind: Holy fuck! I never checked my purse to make sure that Im not carrying any weed or a pipe or anything. ( Mental note: Check this BEFORE you are being pulled over by the border guards...maybe ever before you actually leave your house in the future) The second thing thru my mind: I have a warrant or something out there for me...and this is the first time im hearing about it.

So we go into the US border office...and are greeted by a dude holding a FUCKING SNIPER RIFLE. He tells us in a gruff voice to sit in the end booth and someone will 'see to us'. I was worried I was going to get shot...especially when I started giggling uncontrollably when i saw the picture of Dick Cheney and GWB. Dick looks like hes about to eat a small child in the picture. All that is missing is froth around his mouth...
So some chick comes to talk to me:
BorderGuard : Where are you heading?
Juicy: Great Falls, MT
BG: What is your purpose?
Juicy: We are bringing up retired greyhounds
BG: How long do you plan on staying in the US?
Juicy: About 2 hours
BorderGuard : Where are you heading? Juicy: Great Falls, MT
BG: Whatre the dogs for?
Juicy: Pets... people adopt them as pets
BorderGuard : Where are you heading? Juicy: Great Falls, MT...

And it went on for 5 min...her asking the same questions over and over again. Like she was trying to catch me in a lie or something.... Fuck.

So we were let in...barely....and got to GF and picked up the greyhounds. All were extremely sweet and adorable. I think I called Jer and prolly didnt make any sense i was so excited. We loaded up our vehicle and I immediately took a shine to one little girl, named Shockwave Eva. She actually took quite a shine to me, too... she spent a large part of the next 7 hours sleeping with her head on my shoulder. Always licking me and wagging her tail... ( yeah, you know where this is going....)

So we hit the Canadian border with all our paperwork for the dogs in hand... and they refused us. Come back Monday, we were told. Our organizer started calling supervisors for customs in Ottawa and Vancouver to get us through. And so for 2 hours, we all had to sit in our vehicles with the dogs ( not letting them out to walk or for peepees because they were 'illegal'), until someone in ottawa decided that yes, we did pre-clear everyone for customs. They just made us pay GST for them.

I didnt get back to Calgary until 7 pm...and yes, by this time i had called Jer 3 times asking for his permission to bring back a little friend for Digit. He didnt actually say yes until the next morning. And we havent actually adopted her, we are just fostering her until she finds her permanent home.... [ yeah, im already working on changing that...]

So now I present to you, Shockwave Eva. ( Sorry its the best pic I have of her, shes pretty squirrelly)

Thats right Im the last one standing and another one bites the dust...

( I have Hollaback girl in my head. No surprise there. )

This is the film that has been making parking and living in my neighbourhood difficult. Its been a frickin member from Saved by the Bell and a fucking teenage witch. Not even anyone id consider stalking. Jerks. I can wait for it to be on TV and to suck.

So for the peeps who would like to try to change my banner, I think this is the picture Id like to use:



To the sucessful banner maker, I will send a very special Calgary Prize pack...consisting of things that makes Calgary the perfect hell hole that it is. Good Luck!

( ps. I still havent sent out Christmas cards-- so Im instead sending those lucky patrons Valentines Day presents...)

Yesterday I was at Safeway at 700 pm...and lemme tell you, there are some weeeird dudes hanging out in the 15 items or less line. From my brief survey of the 3 express lines I saw the following:

- A dude buying 12, one litre yogurts. What do you think he needs them for? Yogurt bath?

-A man buying nothing but candy... including gummi worms, chocolate, sours, etc...and a card about understanding someone's 'Sense of loss' ( healthy grieving, i guess)

- A man buying rubber gloves and an industrial sized roll of plastic wrap..uh, Plastic fetish?

- Another guy buying only butter and ben gay rubbing ointment. ( by this time I started wondering if Thursday was strange food fetish night at the grocery store...)

-A girl buying 10 bags of doritos....and a bunch of SlimFast diet bars.

- A chick giggling uncontrollably and buying chicken soup, tomatoes, zuchini, and mushrooms ( that was me)

Vote for TurdSandwich

Jer and I have recently changed our MSN names to TurdSandwich and Giant Douche. This makes me laugh uncontrollably. Must be the shortage of carbs or something. The lack of the doughy and the starchy and the delicious is making me simple. And hungry.

Today is going very very very slowly. I feel like Ive been here for weeks without a rest.... but really its just 3pm and Im not busy. I think Im going to start drawing pictures to pass the time.

I tried surfing with blogexplosion to kill a bit more of the day, but I kept getting linked to all these right wing and christian blogs. And Mommy blogs. Jesus. I really dont care what your 2 year old ate for dinner last night or how precious your son looked when he was sleeping. And then i have to sit and wait there for 17 seconds until I can click for the next link...only to be face to face with another fucking mommy blog. I think Im going to start my own blog surfing company that only people who drink, have sex with strangers, take their clothes off on the internet, or have horrible day jobs and need to read blogs about that kinda stuff to keep them sane, can apply for. I would write a letter to rejected blogs as follows:

Dear "MommyofTwo":

Your blog "Mommy's darling days" has been rejected from 'Juicy's Kickass Blogs' list for the following reasons:

- It is not Kickass
- It is not interesting to me.
- I dont care that it could be interesting to others
- A scan of your blog notes that you do not swear often or at all. This is fucking mandatory fuck face.
- I think you fucking suck balls
- If you actually did suck balls and then blogged about it, I would be interested and you might get added
- If you sucked balls, got paid for it to support your massive coke habit, and then blogged about it, I would recommend you for 'blog of the month'

Sincerely
Juicy A, Turd Sandwich

Fucking Fuck of a Fucker who fucking likes to say fuck and
Owner, Operator of Juicy's Kickass Blogs

Of course, I would have to know how to set something like that up. So maybe Ill just send the letters to random mommy bloggers and see how they respond.

Speaking of setting things up, does anyone know how to change my top banner like thingy? I think i need to change my blog up, but have no fucking idea how to do it. You'd be the blog of the month if you did-- and you wouldnt even need to blog about your coke whoring ways...

One bucket of meat, please

My trainer told me last night that Im in my 'muscle building-fat reducing' phase of my plan right now ( i have a plan?)...so I have to cut out carbs for the next 2 weeks and focus on protein. Yeah, so pretty much Im on fucking atkins right now...and that means that I cant make fun of people who do it anymore. And I cant make fun of people who drink that protein powder shit. Cuz I have to take it now,too. Bletch.

That bucket of meat sounds pretty tasty, though.

But, do you know how fucking tasty carbs are? Really fucking tasty.

I dont have a lot else to say. I have to go to this 'New Developments in Family Law' conference today. I really hope that its going to be like a pep rally...with strobe lights and people tumbling and 'Pump Up the Jam' blasting. In reality, it will likely be some old guy mummbling about new case law and stale finger sandwiches being served. Which I wont be able to eat...because they have carbs.

My new acting class starts tonight. I think its going to be kickass.

There sure are a lot of guys wearing vests in here.

They are filming a movie called "Holiday in Handcuffs" in my neighbourhood. I fucking hate this movie and i havent even found out what it is about. What I do know, is that all the roads in my neighbourhood have been blocked off, there is no parking for a 10 block radius. And there were some dudes leaning on my car this morning, drinking coffee. Fucking retards. Im really happy the city gave a permit to this company to fuck me over for the next week.

Ok, I feel better now.

This weekend was filled with highs, lows, and creamy centres. On Saturday, Jer and I went to the wave pool and, other than the dad's having weekend access visits, we were the oldest people there. But it was still fucking fun. We also went drinking later that night, watched some local bands who were pretty kick ass ( or I was too drunk to realise they sucked....the title of this post I decided on while i was drunk and keenly observant of the people around me).

Then there was a hockey game or something on Saturday. I dunno. I think ive blocked it out. I kept thinking it could be worse... I could be a Leafs fan.. ( sorry J-Mo)

This is a cure for the monday morning blahs. High Five!

Hardly workin'

Its the kinda day where you dont feel like working-- instead you want to take pictures of what you would look like if you were standing on your head.

Thats my new shirt-- I call it 'the go-to' shirt. Because its a party in plaid.

Watching the clock isnt making it go any faster.

I am using Jedi Mind tricks to convince myself i dont need to work-- These are not the orange files you are looking for.

Three more hours to the weekend...

The Hot stays hot...and the cool stays cool.

Three days ago I was seranading Jer with the theme song for the McDLT, and today, I find this page with some of my fave 80s commercials.


(yes thats Jason Alexander)

Shit. I totally forgot about all those 'dont do drugs' PSAs that were so amusing...and apparently ineffectual to me.

Anyways, its a good way to waste some time, and then get the lyrics to 'Zack the Lego Maniac' in your head.

Furthermore: A picture of me wearing giant raver shoes, 2 sweaters, a fur hat, and dress pants. Not so weird if I was trying out for Beauty and the Geek, however, this is what I wore to work the other day. And yes, Im in the process of doing a rockstar kick.



I dont actually know why im posting it. Maybe just to keep in your minds that Im not only a total nerd, Im also a glory whore who likes people to look at pictures of me. Or not.

HNT: Shady

So, as requested, here is a fully naked picture of myself...

Oh, sorry, looks like I can only post the top half. Technical difficulty.

Actually, this pic is inspired by the cover of Gwen Stefani's new album...just without the wig and fancy photoshopping techniques.

For more HNT-- you know to go here

Stop looking at my zit

Im sick of Blogger referring to me as someone with 'old blogger'. You are the idiot who wont let me switch...stop acting like im a second class citizen!

Im super unmotivated lately. I think because my blogging energy is going into my food diary that im supposed to keep to see how many calories im eating. If you ever want the joy to be drained from your life, start keeping track of little facts like the 1/2 teaspoon of mayonnaise on your sammich is 97 calories. Or the 20 minutes you did on the elliptical only burned half of that granola bar you ate for breaky.

On a totally superficial note, I have a giant zit on my face and i really think it affects my work. Im always wondering if someone is staring at it when they are talking to me. It could cost someone if I made a zit-phobia based error. Maybe i should go home.

Speaking of superficial, someone sent me this:



She's right. Like I totally should spend my day at the salon and stop working. I should make Jer go to college.

My fave line: Im not saying boys should have the life of work and distress because they are humans but they need to work to have a good life because obviously their wives wont be bringing home the money.

Amen, sister.

Urf

I smoked waaay too much weed yesterday and now i have the attention span and brain capacity of a sea anemone.

I couldnt remember what I was doing in the middle of signing my own name. ( which is just 3 letters, actually)

I forgot my assistant's name

I just forgot what i was about to type too.

itsa hockey day in canada

which is why its only 1149pm and im derrunk at home andwatching dances with wolves on tbs

stupid flames stupud stupud stuppid

have to go and ruin another perfectly fine hockey day in canada by being dumb fucks

oh, which reminds me, jers team ( that he coaches) won their minor hockey championship for hockey week ( its actually a week, it just all is on tv for a day, hence hockey day) so they will have their pics in the calgary newspapers tomorrow. prettycool, huh? yaay stars

if only the stupid flames hadnt won over the sweet blessed wonderful and beautiful Oilers this would had been the best hockey day ever

(note: this is actually the second only hockey day that i can remember...and bu the way, shawn horcoff got a goal and he has a brown and a blue eye...ever so cute i just wannaa nibble him.....

No lurking zone

Its de-lurking week-- which means that if you are someone who comes on by, reads my inner most exciting and totally not stupid thoughts, and doesnt leave a comment, yeah, bitch, Im calling you out.

And I have the ability to start calling you out from the miracle that is Stat counter: Like today someone was here from Finland. Finland! How could you not leave me a comment? And the person looking for Conquistador Painting on google? Have you not yet met Senior Juan? ( although the 3 people googling Irina's email address...please dont comment if you just want to see my ass)

In return, Im going to go de-lurk myself.

( am I the only one who keeps picturing the Hamburgler when i type 'lurk'?)

Thats the sound of my panties hitting the floor

I watched Stranger than Fiction on the weekend and yeah, I really dug it. I think my fave part was the strange relationship between Harold Crick ( Will Ferrell-- the dude who hears someone narrate his life and informs him hes going to die soon) and Anna ( Maggie Gyllenhal-- who steals every scene shes in as the Anarchist Baker).

Ive been thinking a lot about the scene where they finally get it on. Harold bought a guitar and learned to play a few songs, when he goes to Anna's house to get to know her better, he picks up a guitar he finds and starts to play this song. ( I later googled it...its "Whole Wide World" by Wreckless Eric) Anna goes from being amused by Harold, to Thwack! her panties hitting the floor when he starts to sing to her this song.

Ive gone over to guys' places and had them sing me songs on the accoustic guitar hoping for this result-- and it didnt work. One dude actually started playing me the Dave Matthew's band which, if you know Juicy, just made me annoyed and wanted me to get the fuck out of there. But i see it all the time. A dude bringing his guitar camping and singing songs to some chick trying to get into her pants. Casually mentioning to my friends at a bar that hes really into singing to girls in the morning before breakfast (barf!gag!).

So now a question: Does this work? Anyone had this happen to them? And if yes, which song did they sing/was sung to them?

(ps. I did date a guy in Saskatoon just because he sang 'You've got to Hide your love away' by the Beatles at a house party...although i dont think he actually heard my panties hitting the floor because he was singing it to someone else]

Tylenol Cold and Sinus is the new crack

Fucking blogger has been censoring me for the last 3 days-- it keeps stopping me from posting anything. Fuckhead.

Im on some serious cold medication right now and im having problems typing. It took me 3 tries to spell 'fuck'. I almost sent an email to a client this morning that suggested she and her husband try medication. I meant to write mediation. That woulda been a little innapropriate. Funny, but innaprropriate.

innnnaaaappppropppriate. just fucking double and tripple allll the connnsannannts whennn i cannnt type.

Speaking of drugs, I seriously feel stoned right now.

On Friday night me and Jer went over to a friends' house and played his Wii. Fuck was that fun. However, I quickly realised that the ahem 'mediation' I was on that night made me very twitchy and irritable when it came to trying the golf game...but turned me into frickin mike tyson when i played the boxing. Maybe thats why you dont hear about Tiger Woods' blow habit in the news.

I still really want a Wii, just dont expect to have me play that golf game,man.

I should go to the gym, but i dont think i should operate and heavy machinery and that elliptical could be dangerous. C'est Dangereux!

[this is funny because on New Years that was the name of the DJ who was spinning at the bar we were at and he kept saying his name repeatedly in the middle of songs... C'est Dangereux! C'est Dangereux! C'est Dangereux! C'est Dangereux! I havent been so annoyed since those Head On! Commercials. Apply directly to the Forehead! Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!Apply directly to the Forehead!

Yeah. Im out.

Juicy and the Geek

Okay Im going to start the post by commenting on the Oilers game last night: sorry.

It was pretty much the most fucked up game ever...up 4-1, then down 5-4, the Stars' goalie being hit in the face by a puck and going down like a load of bricks ( man was it funny...but only after i knew he wasnt hurt) a missed open net shot by the Stars from 2 feet away, a miraculous goal from sweet baby Ales Hemsky with 2 seconds left in the game, then a shoot out loss. Man. I said it last year, Oilers hockey will be the death of me.

Ales Hemsky goal vs Dallas after Stefan missed empty net


Okay, so now about other stuff.

On Wednesday Jer and I watched the two hour premiere of Beauty and the Geek. Surprisingly, I didn t want to kill many of the chicks thaaaat much...but even more surprisingly, Mr I-hate-all-forms-of-reality-shows-that-dont-involve-hockey was totally into it. He was all excited during the show...and then admitted to me yesterday that he thought about Beauty and the Geek all day.

I went to the website and took the 'are you a geek or beauty' test and, to no ones surprise, I am considered "pretty geeky" and am apparently only a few steps away from owning my own trekker uniform.

My fave part of the show, though, is guessing which of the geeks will score with a 'beauty' by the end of the show. My money is on comic book guy and Harvard grad guy.

Greetings, and a meme

I received Patrick's awesomely boring card yesterday. It was so good. Apparently if he eats too much, he has problems sitting down. In the spirit of his card, I will do the meme he tagged me with on the 26th of December:

Tag of Four

Four jobs I've had:
1. Telemarketer ( I lasted a week)
2. Pizza Hut Hostess ( I lasted 6 hours)
3. Person hired to put little number stickers on files for a doctors office ( I did this at home, usually stoned and watching Teletubbies)
4. Cashier at a swimming pool ( also usually stoned)

Four places I've lived :

From west to east...
1. Vancouver
2. Edmonton
3. Calgary
4. Saskatoon

Four favourite foods:

1. Fried chicken
2. Hotdogs
3. Soup
4. Sushi

Four movies I could watch over and over:

1. Trainspotting
2. Run Lola Run
3. Shawn of the Dead
4. Team America: World Police

Four TV shows I enjoy:

1.Top Model
2. Project Runway
3. Degrassi: The Next Generation (shuddup)
4. South Park

Four places I've traveled:

1. San Pedro, Belize
2. Monte Carlo, Monaco
3. Edinburgh, Scotland
4. Amsterdam, Holland

Four places I'd like to visit:

1. Las Vegas, NV
2. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
3. Tokyo, Japan
4.Panama City, Panama ( I might even go there this year)

Four websites I go to daily:

1. Engrish
2. Dialog Blog
3. Edmonton Oilers Homepage
4. Toothpaste for dinner

Four people I tag to do this list (if any of them will do it):

[ I think all the people i would tag have already done this... so i guess im hooped]

2006: A year, a blog, and a lot of hockey...

JANUARY 2006

I made a resolution to be less lazy.

I was too lazy to follow thru with it. There was an election in Canada and the bad guys won.

FEBRUARY

I started going to the gym again. Something about the increasing size of my ass, im guessing. I think it also had something to do with the fact that i planned a trip to the Dominican in March and i didnt want to be the fat, pasty Canadian on the beach.

The Olympics started-- I was pretty blah about everything except for mens hockey. When we didnt medal, I became pretty bitter about it. [Note: 2006-- The year Juicy spent waaaay tooo much time being worked up about hockey...you'll see this again in a few months.]

MARCH

I went to the Dominican for a week. I drank. I tanned. I drank some more.
Awesome. I then proceeded to talk about that one week for the next 3.



This was a funny joke... until Jer's mom saw it and told us that no, it wasnt funny. ( i also had to have a conversation about wedding planning with her...so yeah, I guess it really wasnt that funny after all)


APRIL

The Oilers began their now infamous playoff run. I was obsessed. There were drunk depressed posts when they lost...and happy drunk gloating posts when we won.


MAY

Playoffs continued with the Oil beating the Red Wings, then Sharks, then Ducks. The Flames of Calgary lost their series. I tried not to celebrate ( but man oh man was it hard!) The Oilers won the Western Conference for me on my birthday. Wasnt that nice of them?

I also celebrated the fact that I wasnt swayed by the popular opinion of Calgary and didnt bet on Calgary owned Brother Derek in the Kentucky Derby. Instead I bet on Barbero. If you were at the track in Calgary that day, did you hear that one person who was cheering? Yeah, that was me. $426 big ones!


I turned 29. Meh.

JUNE

No, we didnt win the Stanley Cup. Shuddup.

Then, to make it worse, Chris Pronger broke up with me.

I was also in a minor car accident-- where a slight bump apparently caused 1500 in damages and injured two people who werent even in the other car. Huh. People suck.

I hated June, apparently.

JULY

I began taking random pictures of my life and posting them. I quickly bored of it.

The July 01 weekend found me on mushrooms yelling "what are YOUR plans for the long weekend?" to people on the phone, in public, and to my dog. I also went to Kelowna for a few days.


The Digit took and barely passed a doggie obedience class. Thats my boy!

I began 'Irina-gate' where after posting and ridiculing some spam i got, I received hate mail, emails from dudes wanting to see crotch shots, and, sadly, no actual response from Irina.

AUGUST

I began linking funny websites. I quickly bored of it.

I drank a lot of mint juleps.

SEPTEMBER

I went to Winterpeg for a wedding. It rained and snowed. I spent the time staying warm by drinking heavily for 4 days.

I began an acting class. Digit began a flyball class. Neither of us has been discovered in our respective fields yet.

OCTOBER

I fought cancer with my boobs ( high five to Itchy, who also did! We rule!)



Although i was filled with great ideas, this is the costume I wore for Halloween.

NOVEMBER

I used spam titles for posts. Thats some funny shit man.

I started talking about hockey again. Im sorry.

DECEMBER

I was really busy at work. It sucked. People bitched alot. Then I fell down some stairs.

I made a resolution to be less lazy.

[See JANUARY]

...it ends with a 7

I vaguely recall telling some guy that was hitting on me at New Years eve that its the only difference from last year to this year. Huh. This is what this fill in the blank meme type thingy suggested:

Your New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a pet parrot 2) Eat more cheese 3) Travel to Alaska 4) Study japanese pop culture 5) Get in shape with dodgeball

What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?

I like cheese.

Im back at work and totally not accustomed to being awake before 11 am anymore. Its strange that 10 days off returns me to my natural sloth like junky hobo state of being where I spend the whole day in my bathrobe watching the Flavor of Love 2 marathon and trying to kick a drug hangover from the previous night. ( which, yes, is what i did yesterday)

I still am going to the 2006 year in review post... i think as long as i do it by the end of the week ill be good. Maybe that SHOULD be my resolution-- stop being lazy. Meh, maybe not.