The Legend of the Chicken Challenge

Its Tuesday already? Crap! I've been busy doing actual legitimate work lately...not just closing my door, turning up the techno, and drafting documents in between my new obsession with blogexplosion. So lets see what have I been up to?

1. Im back on solids. It only took a week. [see: violently ill from smoking hash post from last week]. In fact, Im back on solids with a vengeance. You havent seen me eat chicken until you've seen me eat chicken when im staaaaarving. And I can really eat a lot of chicken. Did i ever tell you about the chicken challenge? I know I'm getting off on a real big digression, but its a good story:

I used to work with this guy named G-off. He liked to eat. A lot. He would eat his first lunch at 10 am and then another at 12 and have a cheeseburger at 3. One day, we realised that the deli by our building sold whole chickens for like $7...so he decided to get one for lunch. A whole chicken. For lunch. And he sat there and ate it with his hands in his office. Quite a sight, really.
However, I told him that it really wasnt that big of a feat-- I mean, I could do it. Famous last words.

So the next day for lunch, he shows up with TWO whole chickens-- and one was for yours truly. He wanted to see if i could actually out eat him ( or at least keep up). Word of the 'chicken challenge' spread thru the office. Now, Im a big eater. Buffets and 'all you can eat' restaurants lose money on me. But, you'd never guess it from looking at me. Im 5ft 8" and weigh approx. 116 llbs. People ask me all the time if i have an eating disorder [seriously. they do. its annoying.] So at 3 pm, we sat down [in the fancy office boardroom of all places...hmmm. why'd i get fired, again?] and ate our chickens.

Yes. I ate the whole thing. And in good time, too. People werent so much shocked or impressed as disgusted. However, we gave the victory to G-off because I had to lay down after inhailing close to 5 lbs of meat, while he admitted to still being hungry.

What was I talking about? Right. Chicken. I like it. And i can eat shitloads of it. And i did last night.

Well, its not about chicken, but lets keep on keepin on with my weekend..

2. Did this 12 hour relay for cancer research which consisted of me staying awake all night sans liquor or drugs and walking around this track. And let me tell you, if you think im wonky normally, you should see me when im sleep deprived. I honestly believe now that all those raves i useda go to? Yeah. I was fucked because i was tired-- not from all the drugs. Well, maybe the drugs helped. I was a one woman singing/dancing machine. At one point i was announcing everything like i was a caller from the World Poker Tour....and at another i was kicking imaginary field goals for the Buffalo Bills.

3. No real partying happened. Jer had to work on Saturday night. If you find yourself in Calgary, visit the Castle Pub on a Sat. night. If you see a big, cranky looking guy at the door that seems to have no sense of humor, you found my beloved. Offer him a sandwich. That'll make him happy.

Well sheeyit. That was a super long post. Man oh man did typing it make me hungry. I wonder if there's a place around here that sells whole chickens. I feel a challenge comin' on....

Something about the contest and baseball... sorry i dont feel like making a clever title right now.

Hello, gentle juicitarians! [juicineers? juicinizers? juicinites? Fug. I dunno.]

You are prolly wondering why i havent picked a winner in the "Where's my freakin' Fan base" contest [or you werent and had no clue what i was talking about...then scrolled down, read about it...had a brief chuckle at my insane love of wookiees...and now, at returning to this post, are now wondering about the contest]. Well, basically, Ive decided to extend it because im real busy at work and for the weeekend and, simply, wont have the time to dwell over your clever words and pick my fave. Or Im lazy.

Work has been eating my ass lately. [no not literally: im not affiliated with than WebCam site anymore, sorry kids.] Ive been totally friggin stressed out because i kinda sorta accidently dropped the ball on something last week that was really important. I mean, I really didnt personally, screw up, but i re-delegated something to someone that i shoulda done myself, and well, i came back on me. I cant blame the person [my assistant really-- i just feel really smug and uppity and high falootin when i talk about having underlings] because of some old saying about craftspeople and tools or something. Basically-- the ball was thrown at Juicy, and she grabbed her assistant and threw her in the trajectory of said ball. Really no problem-- just caused some dude to have all his multi-million dollar business accounts frozen. Ug. However, as of 10 minutes ago [hence why i started writing this 10 minutes ago] everything was ok.

Long story short: work was shitty and now its ok. I guess i coulda just written that and saved a bunch of time.

On a happy note, me and Jer snuck in to see Episode III again last night. My "not enough Wookiees for my liking " comment stands.

[insert annoying song here]

The big day started in a pretty sweet way: Jer sang to me at 100 AM and was all smootchy. No Bday love pumps tho, still was feeling pretty queasy. Actually, Im still feeling queasy...so instead of entering my own wisdom, here's some from the print media's greatest psychics:

If May 24 is your birthday
You are so much a hero or heroine in the year ahead that others could shower you with awards or applause. Maybe you are only the highlight of one special person's life, but if you are single that could be THE ONE.

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (May 24). It's a year filled with loving, mature, long-term relationships. You break down a barrier to love in the next four weeks, and ailing relationships transform. Strategize your way into a better career position in June and July. Continue to play it smart, and by September, you'll advance into something more lucrative. Love signs are Scorpio and Libra. Your lucky numbers are: 8, 23, 1, 25 and 29.

May 24 Birthday: Make this year a new starting point with new goals and a whole new strategy. Don't judge yourself on the past but instead on what you do each day to improve your future. This can turn into a feel-good kind of year if you are true to your dreams, hopes and wishes for the future. Your lucky numbers are: 15 17 21 23 24 39

Okay-- so it looks pretty good. Maybe 28 wont be so bad.

Goin out with a heave...

or: Kids, dont do drugs.

Despite the fact that every time i've smoked hash ive either 1. gotten horribly and incredibly sick; or, 2. become catatonic; or, 3. hallucinated so bad that my friends have locked me in a room... I decided it would be a good idea for me to smoke hash on Sunday. An experiment, if you will.

And the result? I spent close to 20 hours throwing up every 10 minutes. The last day of being 27... and wishing i was dead.

Now thinking about the year ive had: What could this horrible onslaught of bile mean? That 27, for the most part, kinda sucked? That 28 is going to be worse? I dont think so... I think that maybe i was purging out all the bad shit of 27 and now, at 28, its out of my system.

Or maybe, now at 28, i should smarten up and not smoke hash again.

holy crap! I dun good real good at the track today.

So, my second born child** will be named "Afleet Alex" after the sweet, sassy chestnut colt who won both the Preakness and my heart today. Oh yeah, the $150 bones i won on him helped too.

[**Thats not to be confused with my first born son, Smarty Jones, who helped me win a bundle of cashola last year at the Triple Crown. Yah.]

just to remind y'all

Visit Scenic:

www.juicyhumps.blogspot.com

with content soo outrageous it was disallowed by BlogExplosion!!!

... actually prolly not cuz its "outrageous". Maybe some people just dont think there is any educational, scientific, or religious merit in seeing pictures of some chick humping cars, trees, donkeys, and such.

No one ever said i was smart...

... despite what the LSAT, two universities and a Mensa test said.

Okay okay. I finally figured out how to give "props" in bloggy land in the right hand column. Not my fault i aint a computer programmer....or someone with the patience to actually read the directions on how to blogroll.

Saw Episode III last night and was in geek heaven. Only one real beef: not enough time with the Wookiees. Otherwise, it lived up the the hype, and the acting actually wasnt that bad. Hayden Christense-- you've been practising!

Its the long weekend and, for the first time in a year, it actually means something to me. When yer unemployed, every weekend is a long weekend. A verrrrry loooooong weekend. I have no idea what im going to do, Im thinking the track. I love bettin on the ponies. And maybe getting drunk. And maybe getting in a fist fight. And maybe buying lottery tickets. And maybe goin to tha Walmart and a buyin a present for Curly Sue, Gummy Joe, and the triplets....Okay, prolly not... but i was on a bit of a white trash roll there and i decided to run with that.

However, before that i have to find some way for this client to get out of a custody arrangement. Gotta use the brain for a few more hours before i can shun the cleverness and let the raging illiterate, and non-computer savvy hillbilly out. Yeeeehaw! [ insert jug band music here]

Wookiee Madness

So approx. 28 yrs ago something magical happened....no, gentle reader, not my birthday [which is in 5 days BTW] but a little movie called Star Wars: A New Hope. Is it fate that it came out a mere day before my Bday? Being that I'm an uber geek when it comes to all things Star Wars [and, actually, all things Sci Fi], I really think so. I actually dated a guy once [sadly, it was Dumbass] who said he couldn't date a girl who was born after Episode IV came out, and i made it just under the wire for that one. [dang, maybe it was a sign that i shoulda run from the start ]. However, I digress... [as i am apt to do when discussing both boys and how im a nerd]

Now, Im not a total geek... I didnt wait in line to see the first screening of Epidode III at 12:01 am this morning [although i did think about it]... I'm not currently wearing a Boba Fett mask [although i did ask for one for my Birthday] ... and my hair isnt in Princess Leia Organa-esque buns at the moment [Ok, thats a lie... and ive also done the "Help me, Obi-Wan You're my only Hope" scene twice to my car already today...did i mention his name is Obi-Wan Volknobi? Yeah.]
But really, Im not that hardcore. I mean, I will prolly see the movie tonight...maybe one or two times....and maybe again this weekend.

Then again, every time ive seen the trailer... I do get chills up my spine and then practically cream my jeans. Especially when i see the Wookiees. Did you know that they go to the Wookiee planet of Kashyyyk? And Yoda leads Chewbacca and the leader of the Wookiees, Tarfull, in joining the battle? And then Chewbacca goes "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRG!" and puts his arms in the air? And it fucking rocks? I already bought all three of the Wookiee action figures [of course, 2 were presents for Jer...but i get to still play with them] so i can make them save the galaxy in their extra-special Wookiee way. And my screen saver here at work says "Chewie is my Co-pilot" and my MSN name is "Straight outta Kashyyyk"...

Fuck I take it back. Im one step away from making movies of me swinging a faux lightsaber and posting them on the internet. Now If you dont mind, I have to go research what Padme Amidala Naberrie Skywalker will be wearing in Episode III, so i can make a replica to wear to the movie tonight.

What? Still no comments?

Y'all suck.


ps. I am currently eating "Asian flavour" noodles...which strangely, does not taste like Asians. Then again, I cant say Ive sampled all people from that mysterious continent. Definately doesnt taste Vietnamese.

Where's my freakin' fan base?

So I signed up to be in some sorta Blog yellow pages type thingy. Why? Well, cuz you gentle readers aint givin me the props i so be desirin.

I give you my all...and ya cant leave one friggin comment? At all? I pour my blood, sweat and tears [and other less savoury liquids] into this thing and ya cant even say "hey juicy a...jolly good show" or "make with the humping sister" or " quit yer whinging, already".

Maybe i should have a contest. hmmmm [thinking....pondering...getting up and going poop...then returning to thinking]

Starting today and for the next week [contest closes on say May 24, 2005... good random day...that i just happened to be born on...] Im holding the "Where's My Freakin' Fan Base" contest!

Send me comments about what you would like to have a convo with juicy about...what you would like me to take a picture of me doing [hey: be nice....no porno on here.... thats on my other site] ...what foods you would like me to make while stoned and then feed to my boyfriend...fug. I dunno. You know the shite i do. What else should i be doing? Tell me, and you might win!

The best/funniest/most creative/ or clever comment will win a prize consisting of:

-- a signed picture of juicy a wearing a cowboy hat and eating an ice cream sandwich [you get to pick the hat... i have 5]

-- personal congratulations from Kingsley

--maybe some sort of chicken. I like chicken.

--something "mysterious" AND

-- a cartoon drawing of yourself and juicy holding hands on the moon.

I may have prizes for every entry. I guess it just depends on whether anyone actually enters. Make sure you put your email addy down so i can contact you and maybe send you a present. I dunno.

REMEMBER! Contest closes May 24,2005 at like I dunno, noonish. Show Juicy what ya got! What ya want! and What ya need!

I remember not remembering...

... most of Saturday night. Yes, Jer's cherry has been popped. He has now seen me in full on, Frank the Tank/ Party Girl/ drunkie drunkerson mode.

After heading to a house party and enjoying, among other things, a glass of straight Jack Daniels, [Marco said that I wasn't allowed to add any mix...But really, I gotta question the motives of a semi-recent ex] I succeeded in what I haven't been able to do in a real long time: I got drunk. And then, we went to the HiFi, and I got drunker. And then the Castle.... yeah. And then I remember waking up next to Jer at his place. On the opposite side of the bed, mind you, but at least on a bed for a change.

I do remember flashes of conversations with a guy named Thor, dancing at the HiFi, naming my Car Obi-Wan Volknobi [he's a Jedda knight...get it?. fug I'm a waster], comparing my life to Nancy Drew and, finally, "planning" to have sex with my boy [note: I only recall the planning stage. I'm not sure if we did do the deed... its something I've encountered before when I drank heavily].

Speaking of remembering, I really and utterly for the first time in all my 27 yrs 11 months and 24 days [close to my BDay, btw.] cant remember a time when I have thought that I might not enjoy drinking anymore. Cuz I didnt like me while I was drinking, and I really dont like me when I'm hung over.

Then again, maybe I just dont enjoy waking up and thinking "Fuck. What happened to me last night?" Or even "What happened at all?" Nuts.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Its a special day for the folks over at the Intersection of 13 and 13... Friday the 13th! Why is 13 considered unlucky? I really have no clue. Lets do some research. Or maybe even ask Jeeves [havent been over to visit that fucker in a while]

Paraskevidekatriaphobia: Fear of Friday the 13th

The Devil's DozenIt is said: If 13 people sit down to dinner together, all will die within the year. The Turks so disliked the number 13 that it was practically expunged from their vocabulary (Brewer, 1894). Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue**. Many buildings don't have a 13th floor. If you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck (Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names). There are 13 witches in a coven.

[**had to bold that... who knew Calgary was so stupid..or maybe clever... to still have both...and even worse, for this idiot to live there]

The article goes on about the number 13:
something about the last supper and the norse god Loki
somthing about neandrathals and counting

And now fridays:
friday was execution day in England and Rome
christ crucified, tower of babel destroyed on friday
freya--named after the goddess of sex and fertility [uhhh thats a bad thing? sound good to me!]

So what have we learned? Well, not much. Stranger still is that Im not actually afraid of Friday the 13th...thats strange cuz Im very supersticious, believe in horoscopes, and think i can see ghosts.

Should we just chalk the fear of Friday the 13th on Hollywood? Damn, maybe if they woulda had a knife wielding maniac in a hockey mask attack people on Thursday the 12th there'd be a different story.

Gasp! Has Juicy A slowed down?

Quick answer: 'No, but sort of ...' or 'Yes, but not really'

The Story:
So i was chatting with a pal of mine [not a palomino, sadly, cuz a pal o'mine that was also a palomino would be really really cool] about the recent blogs here at the ole 13 X13 and how he was sad that i wasnt getting laid as much as i had been before and my partying had considerably slowed down...

Okay, dear readers, I admit it. I dont get wasted as much as i useda. And when i do, well, its not as crazy as it useda be. But am i sad about this? Uh, no. No im not. The heavy drinking was to give me something to do while looking for a job/boy/etc. And now i dont need the distractions.

Now for the other part.... fear not gentle reader. Juicy a has been getting it long and hard and repetitively for the last few months. Seriously. I smell like sex all the time. And there doesnt appear to be an end in sight [thank gawd!!!]

Maybe i am a little sad that i dont see the Bridesmaids as much anymore...and that occasionally Im a little sleepy in the morning cuz i forgo sleeping for humping...but i honestly couldnt be happier.

Closing Remarks:
Now, if you dont mind, Im going to Adult friend finder and am going to try to befriend a palomino. Hmmm.... "Tall, Blonde, and likes to eat oats"

Jesus mighta built my hotrod...

... but Germans built my new baby.

I am proud to announce the arrival of a bouncing baby 2005 Jetta GLS. Silver in color, with tinted windows and sunroof. Standard [naturally] and a big boomin stereo. All i coulda wanted in a sweet ride.

Still havent fully decided on a name yet, which, if ya know me, is a very nig deal. I was referring to it as my 'sweet ass pussy' yesterday or just 'Pussy' [ good name cuz 1. Kill Bill Vol. 1 had the "pussywagon" 2. Pussy Galore is not only a Bond Girl, but the name i use on Buckhunter; 3. Big Pussy on the Sopranos got whacked for "giving the flip" ] but today i kept apologizing to him for my driving being so rocky...which also is a good name... [ Me and Jer's band is called 'The Rocky Fortune" also, my parents nicknamed me Rocky when i was a baby cuz my nose was flat; naturally something about Sly Stallone, too] I was also thinkgin "Egon 150", not only after the smartest of the Ghostbusters, but because the license plate is "EGN 150". I can then say its a personalized plate. Fug, I dunno. Maybe another name will evolve soon, too.

Anyways, now Im sailing the open roads mit schnell!