Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Lava- o - Rama

Always an optimist [ha!] when it comes to love [double ha!] I have had many unsavory experiences with internet dating.

Why internet dating? Erm, I guess its a mix between a) I drink too heavily in social settings so no one would actually talk to me/pick me up there and b) Im a geek.

So ive been doing the lavalife for about 6 months off and on [depending on my status] and havent been overly excited. And yes i meet the guys.

Back in Saskatoon i "dated" a guy named Jay for a few months that i met on a website. Sigh. He was the first short guy...I think he sorta set the precedent. When i met him the first time, I looked at him thru the peep hole of my apartment and thought Shit! He looks NOTHING like his picture! [As in, he looked taller than 5 ft tall in his pic]. But...after the PS2 playing [he started that] and the building of BedLand! [started my love of forts] and all the slurpees [ditto] I really started to like him. Which was weird. Cuz for all the fun he had, I never met his friends, heard his last name, or even had his home phone number. Yeah, I figured he had a girlfriend. Shit. I should post all about Jay some time... we had lots of fun and a lot of stories arose out of him.

I digress. So, attempt one...and he had a girlfriend. Boo. Attempt 2 was last May. Almost immediately i met Graham. He looked cute, seemed to have a lot of fun, and his profile said he was 5ft 10. also said that he lived 2 hrs away. Well, we met when he came to town and, yeah, I really dug him. Too cute. And he brought me a present-- we had an email convo about "Noodle Time" Noodles and that they had the website for the noodles, including the place where the wash their hands, on the website-- so he brought me some noodles. The out of town thing maybe wouldnt had been so bad except that i started with Keith and Marco around the same time. I still wanna email him... but wont.

So i guess its been pretty bittersweet when it comes the internet dating-- but its the same as everything else ive tried. So tonight after an "I" magazine meeting [ and lotsa beer] I started MSNing with some Lava boys. One, "brent", ended up talking about his penis and being horny...the other asked me for a date [ i accepted] and then showed his picture to me [and now i gotts to get out of it ]. Yug.

Now, Im rethinking this internet thing. I can deal with short and living far away...but juvenile and butt-ugly? Those are hard to overlook.

dammit, where have all the cowboys gone? [ haha. thats something i say and then pretend to break into tears after a geeky guy tries to put the move on me or my friends.]

Tuesday, September 28, 2004



Is this what my life has become?

-- checking email
-- watching Regis and Kelly, The View, Dr. Phil
-- eating too much
-- sleeping too much
-- wandering around looking in Pawn Shops and Second Hand stores
-- checking email again, also stopping by and looking at the Lava



Sunday, September 26, 2004

Move over Sheryl...

Yeah, i admit it. At the time i totally didnt believe it, in fact I was almost a dick to the guy, but i guess he was pretty amused by it and laughed off my doubt. But i just checked his fansite and the Calgary Herald and the story checks out....


He was alot shorter than i expected, too. But seemed a nice guy and didnt quibble about the fact that i kept mentioning things that only he would know. But we still danced to "7 nation Army" together. Too funny.

I plan on leaking that to a certain someone who used to watch tour de France with me that i got to meet and in fact dance with Mr. Maillot Jaune himself. Yeah, i miss him. Last night was an art show i really wanted to go to, but i didnt because i knew hed be there. What could i say to him? I dont even know. I get upset just knowing that my friends have talked to him. I want to ask whether he asks about me....but im afraid of the answer being no.

On a fun note, i saw "Waydowntown" tonite and am amused that I escaped downtown on my own without having to use a bottle full of marbles. Shit im sick of being so damned sad. Its only been a week since i got back and im back to it already.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Anniversary of Shit

Well, now that im trying to be back to regular posting, i guess i shud say that my life is as shitty as ever. Its like i left Calgary and the little black rain cloud stayed here...but dont worry, it was waiting for me in the airport. Standing there with a big sign with my name on it.

What am I pissing and moaning about? Well, Fuck. I failed the bar exam again. Seriously. Im done. I have to re take the whole fucking thing in January, which means i cant be a lawyer for another 10 months. Thats a long bloody time. I really and truly believe that if i hadnt gone to Belize this news woulda put me over the edge and id either be in a hospital, mental institute, or the morgue.

I have to find a new career in the time being. Im looking at insurance claims officer, immigration consultant, and possibly working for a municipality [ i found an internship position, but it dont start til January]

Im hoping that there is a one year cycle for the little rain cloud. After 365 days he gets bored and finds someone else. Although i gotta admit, hes had a lot of fun with me. So in case you cleverly noted by the title, its been a year since i was first introduced to the raincloud. It came in on a flight from Halifax with Dumbass. I guess it never really made its presence known until November 04, but it was here last year, about this time, too. And im hoping it will jump on a plane and leave me the fuck alone.

With that, im going to go and get stupid drunk. I like drinking. Its remained constant for the last year, at least, and the little cloud dont mind.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Back from the Beach

Yeah yeah yeah... dont start with me, i know its been a while. Maybe i was hoping you didnt notice. Maybe i just am too laid back still from the trip to care. I plan to post my travel journal entries as soon as im not too lazy to do such. I thought id take this entry to speak to the promises i made to myself the day before i left for the trip.

1. No clocks. No timetables. No extreme planning. --> Did this and how! Never pulled my watch out once. Used my alarm clock on only 2 occasions. [both for diving/snorkelling trips] Actually, it was pretty easy to get up in the morning being that the sun came up at 500am and set at 600pm, so we would party til the wee hours of 1100pm and it felt late.
As for the timetable/planning thing, be proud of yours truly...i never bought a guidebook and we basically relied on the odd things i had read on backpacker websites, what people told us, and the saintly girl in the Belize City airport who said "Go to Caye Caulker". The closest to me being a plan nazi was when i refused to stay on CC one more day.

2. My big hair --> Dude. Its still big. Thank Kester for that...Miss M kept saying it looked good. He told me straight was boring, and then he kissed me later that day. Okie.

3. Sex and the Beach. --> No, I didnt. Sorry to dissapoint. Came close once and gave a little of my superpower after some skinny dippin in San Pedro, but thats it. With a brit. The only boys i wanted to get it on with a) never saw after the first night [Jay of California] and b) never got to it cuz we had to hide from the security guard at his hostel [Matt of Chicago...yeah theres a long story there!] [Mental Note: hmmm. maybe i shud go to the states?!>!]

4. Be DangerGirl--> Check. She is proud. Shoulda done more cliff jumping, quite pleased with the singing with the band, however the clausterphobia demon kept me from out of cave exploration.

5. I did this trip for me. Not for Marco, not for Mark, not for Ian, not for the fucks that caused me to lose my job, and not for any fucks who got to keep theirs. Thought of Marco twice [when making out with B i kept thinking it was him and thoughts of him kept me out of the sack with the brit]. Ian, naturally, i thought of whenever i saw couples on vacation.

So thats the list. Like i said, im gonna post the travel journal. Matters as well. Im not gonna put any of the new shite in here thats going down. Leave that for another post.

ps As it kinda fits....RIP Indie Rock Pete. He couldnt bare living another day without me. I dont blame him. Me cheating on him and all by visiting other fishies in the Reef. Dont tell Revo that i cheated on him too-- that bike on the beach that i was too drunk to ride in Pedro. And the bike of the kid i asked to ride at the Belize City gas station. Im a nut.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Can you Belize it?

First, gotta give props to A's beau Bryan for the title. He said that to me and M when we were very very intoxicated and we thought it the gayest/funniest thing we had ever heard.

I leave in less than 24 17 hours, to be precise. Must be at the airport in 14... dang! Im excited and nervous. So here are some things ive decided...

1. No clocks. No timetables. No extreme planning. Yeah, i know, im an expert packer and my bag is already been planned into a stealth pack of neccesities...but i havent technically left yet, so thats ok.

2. I will love my big hair and embrace it in its large frizziness.

3. I wont sleep with anyone for the sake of sleeping with someone. But, if the chance arises, yeah, im gonna do it.

4. Be DangerGirl. She is crying to get out. She wants to scuba dive. She wants to climb the pyramid at Altun Ha. She wants to drink Belizean rum and beer until she pukes...and then drink some more. [of course, DangerGirl's motto is still "Safety First". That means wear a condom, dont pass out alone, and try to remember that you arent a good swimmer]

5. Im doing this trip for me. Not for Marco, not for Mark, not for Ian, not for the fucks that caused me to lose my job, and not for any fucks who got to keep theirs.

I think thats it. I plan to try to email post to my blog-o-rama, if not, ill just copy the emails in here. Cant wait.

Fishy Note: Indie Rock Pete is currently staying at the office of Van Harten, O'Gormon, Foster, Iovinelli (and White) and sends the following message:
Dear Mommy, Having a good time at Diablo's. Diablo is a bit of a jerk, but i can put up with him. My tank is small and i miss Hortense the Mermaid, but all else is good. Bring me a rock from Belize and maybe one for Diablo, too. Love and kisses, Petey.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Olympic demonstration sport --CD player throwing

Fuck im hungover. The worst kind, too: red wine and champagne [why is it that when ever i write champagne i hear Zap Brannigan from Futurama saying "cham-pag-en"]

Yesterday was M's barcall...and damned was it funny. Her parents are so much like she is, drunk and crazy. It was a good time to see all the gang and everyone was so supportive, they all are genuinely interested if ive passed/found a job/am surviving single life again. Sometimes i like remembering why ive decided to stay in Calgary, and yesterday did it.

A totally funny/weird thing happened yesterday: I ran into a guy who i had a "moment" with when i was with Dumbass. Mark had this BBQ for Dalhousie students last summer and naturally i went too. I ended up sitting on the couch talking to this guy who was summering at Blakes for quite a long time. Yeah, he was totally flirting and i "might" had been too. So he had all but asked me out when Mark started telling the story of how we got a cheap room at the Banff Springs...and he jumped back about 2 feet and said. "Oh, you two are together."...
So, im at the reception at Blakes and there is the really cute guy there...and then he comes to her party and is smiling at me... so we start talking. He mentions he went to Dal...I ask if he knew Mark...and bang! It hits us both that we met previously and we start laughing. So no, i never got his number before he left, but i did decide to get it, i just never got a chance to do it. I guess he'll be easy to find.

Came home alone last night and i was really quite sad. I hate being alone and made me want to call marco, but i didnt. Instead i did something stupid. Im not sure what my real reasoning was...maybe cuz the building next door already has a DVD player and Nintendo on the roof, but i decided to add the CD player that was on the free table to it. It was all very stealth. I hid on my balcony for about 20 minutes waiting for everyone to leave...then i crouched down...prepared my positioning...and then hurled it. [Im sure i would get extra points for artistic impression] I saw it sail through the air, but then quickly crouched back down to hide and never saw it land.

Woke up this, erm, afternoon, and i cant see it anywhere. Its gone. Not on the roof, the ground, on any cars....weird. But really funny. If i ever get my hung over ass off the couch i may go explore. Im sure its a world record...or at least a personal best.

Thursday, September 02, 2004


First, yesterday was kinda fun as my first stoned post. To any of my loyal readers [ do i have readers? are ya there? stop lurking and leave me comments!] i never did throw/ mail the rotten food to the ex. It is still in the same spot in my fridge as it was yesterday...and it will likely remain there for the next few weeks...until i get back from Belize and think "why the hell didnt i throw this out before?"

Anyhoo, I keep seeing the commercials to buy that Jesus movie and wonder why would anyone buy that movie? Look its jesus. And hes dying. And bleeding. And writhing in pain. I feel spiritually enlightened. Not that i actually saw the movie. Or wanted to see it.

The funny thing is, if anyone should see it.. it should be me. Im kinda obsessed with hyper-religious crap. I recently purchased a virgin mary [should that be capitalized?] candle to set off my jesus on my TV and my 3-D last supper picture. I heard that there are hook rugs that you can buy of the Virgin Mary at the farmers market and i plan on getting one soon. And i need to replace the Praying Hands [TM] that i lost in the divorce with Ian.

Maybe my problem with the Jesus movie is that so many dumb people who listen to Britney Spears and Usher, read People magazine, and watch "The OC" will watch it and think "wow...that bible is cool", without getting the gist of it all. And the gist is that there is a lot of bleeding, pain writhing, dying going on and NOT that everybody watched it, it was a "blockbuster",Mel Gibson directed it and now you can buy it at WalMart for $29.

Ok. Now im ranting....closing argument here: Jesus = okay; People watching Jesus movie because its popular = not okay. I think i better go resurrect that food in my fridge and send it to the holy land of the dumpster.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

my vewy first stoned post: leftovers

Here is my question for this lovely evening:

Is it ok to throw rotten food from your refridgerator at your ex-boyfriend's house?

I have a lot of rotten food [or at least expired food] in my fridge and i dont know what else to do with it. It would be a waste otherwise. Im not sure why im so determined to throw it at his house. Im not any madder at him than i was yesterday...maybe its just cuz it would be funny. I know hes back today too. And currently not home. Im positively giddy planning this!

Better idea: im going to mail it anonymously to someone i dont like [see above]. A big box of lettuce, yogurt, cheese, orange juice and olives. All past their due date. Nice. I'll even make a greeting card with sunshine and flowers on the front, and "Enjoy your Fucking Rotten Food!!!" written inside. Haha.

That is all. Please continue on with your regular programming for this evening.

Today's Post brought to you by: Nostalgia

Im feeling very nostalgic today, and im not sure why. Example: I just saw on one of those infotainment shows [Extra! Extra!] that they are making a new Partridge Family show. Im not sure how i feel about made me nostalgic for sitting on the duelling couches with the Super Ex and him bitching that the goddamned Partridge Family was on Much Music again. The only thing that made him crankier was the Monkees. Anyways, it made me think "Will Kelly get as pissy when the new Partridges are on?"....

Edmonton nostalgia moved into nostalgia for the first week of school [cuz its September, and thats what i did in September in Edmonton]. Right now there will be a beer garden in the Quad at the U of A, and everyone will be congregating in the 'I cant believe its not Butter' Dome to get free shit. At the U of S, the law class will be having the little sibling BBQ and preparing for the big pub crawl. At FMC, [articling is kinda like being in school] the articling students will be working like dogs and learning that the other students are some of the best people they will ever meet.... [sigh]

I hate when i sit and remember how good X time in my life was as compared to Y time and compared to now... it plain sucks. Maybe i shud remember that the first week of school was always the best, and that everything basically went downhill from there each year...and that right now maybe everything is on an upturn in my life. [ yeah-- but that would be optimistic, and that i aint]

Dammit. Im going to continue to plan for Belize. Maybe someday ill be nostalgic for a time when i had the ability to run away for 11 days and not care about leaving a job/boyfriend/ life behind.

[Fishy note: Pete is not being left behind, hes going on his own special vacation to C's office. Hes already packed.]