Dirty thirty

First: Happy Birthday Jer... its the big 3-0! Woohooo!
I actually have pictures from the weekend birthday celebration, but forgot the camera so i cant show them today. The gist is this: a bunch of drunk people 5 pin bowling and then dancing. You can prolly imagine what they look like.

Second: I saw Capote yesterday... really enjoyed it, for the most part. Hoffman was wikked. I love that guy-- although everytime i see him i can picture him saying 'Is your pussy wet?' [ thats from Happiness, and will prolly garner me some google hits]. What i didnt enjoy was that they showed the execution at the end. It freaked me out...I couldnt sleep last night cuz i kept picturing it in my mind. As you may [or may not] know is that Im a total advocate against the death penalty...and normally a movie or show that even talks about it will cause me to puke. Im not going to lie to you, I was pretty sure i was going to vomit in the theatre. Shit. If you dont know the story of In Cold Blood, I guess i just ruined the ending of the movie for you. Sorry. Well, you had to guess it was going to happen.

Third: We went to the Outback for steaks after the movie. They were pretty good. I give it a 4 out of 5. It was pretty rare-- Nothing pisses me off more [except maybe the death penalty] than when i order a blue rare and they bring me something thats actually been cooked. We were there fairly late and our server was pretty laid back [thats a good thing] cuz i hada feeling it would be one of those places where they are really hyper and wear a minimum 11 pieces of flair. Of couse, I dont like talking about my flair.

Fourth: Why am i numbering things?

Fifth: Its snowing again. I cant wait until vacation. 15 days, motherfucker! I still weigh the same amount...but the squishieness has seemed to vanish some. I think im going to start fake n baking again so i dont look like the pasty white Canadian that i am.

Sixth: I heart Project: Runway and Daniel V.

Seventh: But not as much as Jer. Happy Bday, chompy.

I did actually like Police Academy...

Not to be outdone by Mr. Norris, Steve Guttenberg now also has a set of "facts" circulating about him on the interweb here ....

No, they arent outlandish like Chuck's...actually its their mediocrity which makes them amusing...

My faves [there are about 10 pages of them]:

If you wave to Steve Guttenberg, he may or may not wave back, depending on the situation, if he saw you, and how he feels at the time.

Steve Guttenberg think that iMacs look neat, but he's just never got around to using one.

If you want to be friends with Steve Guttenberg, it helps if you have similar interests and enjoy the same types of activities that he does.

As a child, Steve Guttenberg asked his parents if he could have a pet dog. His parents agreed because they thought a pet would teach Steve about responsibility.

Once Steve Guttenberg gave a friend a ride to the airport. He wished his friend well and wondered if it was the apporpriate situation to give his friend a hug and tell him good luck. Before Steve could make up his mind, his friend had already entered the airport because he was running a little behind. Steve drove home while listening to a few of his favorite radio stations.

Steve Guttenberg has used a telephone for all of his adult life, but he doesn't understand exactly how they work.

Fool Steve Guttenberg once, shame on Steve Guttenberg. Fool Steve Guttenberg twice and you'll start to wonder if you will be able to fool him a third time.

Despite the old childrens rhyme, Steve Guttenberg will occassionally step on cracks.

When he was 10, Steve Guttenberg was warned by his mother to wear a coat outside or he'll catch a cold. 2 days later, Steve caught a cold. Steve now eagerly takes advice from those who offer it to him.

Sometimes Steve Guttenberg considers growing a moustache, because he thinks Tom Selleck looks dashing.

Steve Guttenberg would watch the show Friends more often if his favorite character, Gunther, was involved in more of the stories. Oh, that Gunther!

Steve Guttenberg has cried himself to sleep many times but never for the same reason.

Steve Guttenburg does not know who let the dogs out.

HNT Dix-huit: Sour Grapes

Originally, this HNT was going to be hockey- related. Now, I aint in the mood for it...although I want Bertuzzi, Pat Quinn, the referees, and the entire Russian team to kiss this:



If you still dont know what HNT is-- crawl out from under that rock you've been under and go say hi to Osbasso

Fuck!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I want to go home. Now.

I hate everything. I hate everyone.

I dont want to talk about it. [but Im sure 30 million people feel about the same]

Quote of the week

Mom, do you want to suck my bone dry?

--Jer, in reference to his mom picking up a lamb shank bone and eating the meat off of it.

Not exactly the sexiest thing you want to hear your boy say...especially when at the dinner table...and preceded with "mom". I just about shot soup out of my nose.

Its really snowy and the entire city of Calgary has forgotten how to drive. Just get in the ruts people and accelerate. Not that fuggin hard. Dont make me get out of my cozy Volkswagen and beat you within an inch of your life with my snowbrush. Cuz Ill do it. That Green arrow means 'go'...look into it.

Haha. I just spellchecked this post and they didnt know 'snowbrush'. Methinks blogger isnt Canadian.

We've got Spirit, Yes we do!

Im back from a long weekend. Did ya miss me?

Yesterday we had one of these ready-made classic 'holiday weekends' where there is no real purpose for having a holiday..other than some guy decided we need it. In this case, for Alberta, it was this guy-- Don Getty who was a Premier before King Ralph and no one really liked him... so he gave us a day off. [as a note, King Ralph sent all Albertans a cheque for $400 to make us like him. Alberta: Come for the Mountains, stay for the bribes] And also, as a 'holiday weekend' we had to tag it with a gay name: 'Family Day'.

I spent it watching Tv [I heart Project Runway], going to the gym, and walking my dog. No biggie. I also dyed my hair black and no one likes it but me.

I also watched the Canadian women win the Gold medal [woooot!] and watched the men...well, I dont really want to talk about it. The game on Sunday sucked and pissed me off and made me angry. Luckily, they won this morning. I only got to watch the first period, but apparently they squeaked a win in. [note, one of my Oilers, Chris Pronger, scored the winning goal. Boooyah!]

But right now I dont want to bitch about the players. I want to bitch about this:


Yes they are cheerleaders. I have no problem with cheerleaders. I loved that Cheerleader movie, Bring it on. Yes they are perky. I have no problem with perky, some of my best friends are perky. But I DONT WANT TO LOOK AT THEM WHEN IM TRYING TO WATCH HOCKEY!

Cheerleaders go with hockey as well as ice cream and malt liquor. Hockey is a fast paced and rough sport. Cheerleaders are soft and fluffy.

There arent a lot of time outs or pauses in the game of hockey [like in football or basketball] and instead of standing off court where they dont alter or distract the view of the fans, these bitches are standing in the stairways...so people behind them have to try to watch the game around their dumb pom poms.

Having cheerleaders there makes it campy...and if i want campy at my hockey games, I want it to be from guys with painted faces and bellies, banging on garbage can lids, doing the wave to 'Cotton Eyed Joe',and swilling cheap draft.

Which brings me to the next issue: its called hockey NOT "ice hockey". Is there an "i" in "NHL"? No. Dumbasses.

Digi the Spokesmodel

So I normally dont gush on about Digit, cuz I can do that for hours and Im worried about this turning into a 'mommy blog'...but Im going to today.

Yesterday we went to a local pet store to be ambassadors for our Greyhound Organization, SAGA. It was fun for him cuz it involved Digit's fave hobby: having people pet him and talk to him and bring him treats. He also got to butt sniff a few dogs which i assume he enjoyed. He behaved pretty well and only got a little snarky when I spent too much time playing with the other greyhound, Cruzor.

So SAGA is bringing to Calgary 14 greyhounds from Florida...5 have been slotted for adoption already, which is good because if we dont take them, they will absolutely be put to sleep. Pretty sad shit. In Florida currently there are no places for non racing greyhounds, so they move or die. There are also 52 in Texas that we are trying to bring up, albeit its not as urgent. So if you live in Calgary or Edmonton or in a semi close radius...and think you'd like a big non energetic suck to follow you around making love eyes...well, you know. Greyhounds rule and dont deserve to be put to sleep just because they cant race anymore. [Im not going to climb on my soapbox anymore]

As for me, Ive realised that despite my 5x a week gym efforts, i need more help if im going to drop some poundage and cease being squishy. I have hired a personal trainer. She, luckily, isnt one of those perky hyper pro exercise people or Id prolly knocked her block off during the first meeting.

Cold weather induced crabbyness

First: allow me to bitch about the weather. Fuck Fuck FAAAAACK its cold out. I know i live in a country where its supposed to be winter for 10 months of the year. But that doesnt mean i have to like it. And I dont.

And Digi doesnt like it either [hes from the US... I guess he doesnt understand...yes im kidding]. This morning i dressed Digi up in an old jacket vest of mine to wear outside so he could stay warmer. He sure looked damn cute. Annoyed, but damn cute. I forgot my camera or Id have a picture on here...with him wearing a 'awwww mom, i look like a dork' expression on his face.

And I just found out the pipes at the office are frozen so we dont have toilet facilities. Super.

Second: Olympic count-- we now have second-place finishes in both the men’s and women’s long-track team pursuit, and third in the women’s skeleton and men’s figure skating. Making our total medal count at 8. woot! And one is in skeleton. Thats pretty cool. And we won at hockey yesterday [duh]

Now that i got that utter bullshit out of the way, I can bitch about how i spent last night. Well, not really bitch but, i dunno, randomly complain. Ya see, last year my fave martini bar closed in Calgary. I wrote about it here. Well, last night it re-opened in a new larger location and....it sucked.

First, we were hasseled for what we were wearing. We were likely the only ones there not wearing suits. I dont even friggin wear suits to work anymore, like im going to wear them there. Next, the clientele. Wanker central. Like every loser lawyer that i have ever done my best to avoid was there. Lotsa yuppies with their blackberries and cell phones ready for the necessary phone calls they may need to make. And maybe im crabby cuz i dont smoke anymore, but everyone seemed to be smoking but me. But the nuttiest thing about the place and why i will likely never return, is that the drink prices were insane. Last night the drinks were free [thank christ] but otherwise they are priced about $2 more per drink than every other bar in town. $8 for a pint? I dont friggin think so.

So they took a bar which was totally wikked and one of my fave places to drink [ So much so that when it closed i was really bummed out] and turned it into another generic yuppie hangout with overpriced drinks and a pretentious dress code. Groan. Maybe Im getting to old for this. [although i think the demographic they were looking for in there was 5 years older than me, even]

Wow, I just looked at that post from when the Merc closed. Things sure can change in a year, huh?

Im getting a hot chocolate. That'll improve my mood.

Half Nekkid 17: Leggy

Lookit me....Im a Rockette!



Yes, this pose is partie deux of the boudoir shots i did last week. I actually copied the pose from the box my pantyhose came in.

Oh and Im calling out all the lurkers to comment this week. According to stat counter there are like 200+ people who come here on Thursdays and decide to not comment. I aint giving this eyecandy away for free anymore. Comment, dammit!

Make sure to stop and say hi to Osbasso, too...

Thats why they call it VD...

Jer gave me crabs for Valentines Day!


But he was completely love sick over me...


Digit just stayed home alone and hit the bottle. [he likes chewing bottles...weirdo.]


Let go, you wino!

Im not posting about valentines day

...except for a picture from a not so secret admirer



ps Do you think he'll sue me?

Funfact: Not many people want to talk to their divorce lawyer today. No one wants to have a meeting and people are calling me...but asking to speak to my assistant. Huh. I thought they's WANT to talk to me today of all days, nothing like getting rid of deadbeat spouse as a little V-day present to yourself...

Im just saying is all...

I just spent noon hour on Blogexplosion...and have realised that if i want a bazillion people to comment on my blog i need to write something on the following topics:

- Islam
- Islamic cartoons
- suicide bombings

Okay.

Islam is a religion.
Some people made cartoons about Islamic prophets.
Some people think its fun to take part in suicide bombings.

Let the comments flow.

Heat wave

Its going to be 11 degrees today. Seriously. [thats like 51.8]

How am I supposed to be into the Winter Olympics when its warmer outside than it was this summer. [it was really rainy and cold this summer. Check the archives] Oh yeah, and Ive decided to really make an effort to follow the Winter Olympics rather than just tune in when hockey is on. And Im going to care about more than just the events we normally win medals in. There are tons of events that we suck at...which are just as important as hockey. [okay, Im lying]

I actually dreamed of hockey last night [its official, I hang out with Jer too much]... the Oilers were playing the New Jersey Devils for the Stanley Cup. Im not saying Im psychic or anything, but it seemed really real and I am currently looking for a bookie for that bet. You can too, but make sure I get my cut of the winnings or Ill send motherfucking Guido to break your legs. Im not sure if in my dream the Oilers were winning or not, but thats ok. I was still pretty excited that they made it that far.

V-day is tomorrow. This is the first time in 6 years when i have someone to spend it with. It never has been a very important holiday on my lexicon, somewhere between Groundhogs day and Good Friday...its not a day off from work or anything, but at least there are gifts involved. Speaking of gifts I have a plan on what Im buying Jer [so if he is reading this: this would be where you clue in that its a good idea to buy me something] but havent gotten it yet. Truthfully, I normally dont care about Valentines day. I think just because i have someone to spend it with, im going all out.

Im in a weird mood today. Must be the weather.

Medal count:

Gold: 1
Silver: 0
Bronze: 1
Personal Best: 476

Team Canada

Yesterday I wasnt around...did ya miss me? Instead of working/blogging/ignoring clients who bug me/eating candy with our receptionist, Jer and I took to the mountains. We went to Banff Hot Springs, soaked in the Hot Pools, got a massage, then went for dinner. It was a pretty wikked way to spend a Friday.

Apparently the Olympics started yesterday. Im not sure because hockey doesnt start until next week and, honestly, I dont plan to watch too much else. Well, at least i dont plan to....however, every Olympics I always find myself by about day 2 or 3 hunkering down on the couch to watch a few minutes of skiing or something...and proceeding to spend the next 11 days glued to the TV watching everything from Ladies Curling to Mens Super G [which honestly i have no idea what it means] to Ice Dancing. And usually while stoned. [Stoned olympics should be an event in itself. Its pretty fun...and events like curling and Super G seem to make a lot more sense]

I cant imagine what the Olympic fervor is like in the US-- why? Because im Canadian. We arent that crazy patriotic. [except for when hockey is involved and, BTW, Canada is going to win the gold medal in hockey. They are. Period. Sorry other countries, its already been decided.]

Usually when the Olympics is on Canadian TV, a certain phrase is said over and over and over again: "Personal Best". What does this mean? Well, its basically a synonym for "they came in 4th". If there was a medal for 4th, we'd totally rule. During the closing ceremonies, this phrase will be said about 70000 times in reference to Canadian atheletes[...except for the hockey team cuz they are winning gold]. I think we're too bashful or something. Not so flashy as to actually win something, but to do really well and make everyone say 'oh, good for him/her'

According to the TV, a girl from my hometown just won a gold medal in Moguls. Thats cool. Good for her. Sounds like a personal best.

As if there is ever enough Chuck Norris...

[HNT is below, ya big old preverts!]

Someone sent this to my drugsmakemecool address, and i thank them for it. If they woulda included a name or something other than "info" as their addy, i woulda given them the props they so deserve:

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to
death by Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck Norris replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

It never gets old. Honestly.

A few weeks ago I ordered a T-shirt with Chuck on it and am still patiently awaiting for it to be sent. The irony is, of course, that Chuck wouldnt wait patiently. He'd go to www.sinfulshirts.com and start ordering up roundhouse kicks.

About that road trip?

So, still toying with the idea of meeting Skindee in Arizona... i did a little research on Mapblast:

Total Est. Time: 21 hours, 54 minutes

Total Est. Distance: 1415.40 miles

Total possibility of me driving there a week before i take vacation for 10 days: 0

Half Nekkid #16: Bedroom Eyes

What can I say-- Ive been feeling sultry lately.



Actually...It kinda reminds me of the picture that Mrs. Krabappel sent "Woodrow" on the Simpsons to " get his pen moving".



[Well, actually, I got nothing on Mrs. K]

For other sultry babes and fellas, go check out Osbasso's site.

Randomness

I just found out our internet will be down for the rest of the day...so i need to blog now or forever hold my peace [well..at least for the rest of the day]

Here is my dilemma: I gots nothing to really say.

However, here are some thoughts running thru my head:

- the lyrics of Warrior by Patty Smyth and Scandal "shooting down the walls of heartache..bang!bang!"

-- how bad my dog's farts smelled last night. ug.

--my arms still hurt from the cardiokickboxing class i took on monday. Kickboxing i can do...but this cardio shit? dang! after about 40 minutes i need to lay on the floor and sleep.

-- i havent posted on my secret blog in a few weeks. Betcha didnt know i had a secret blog. Thats because its secret.

--I want my vacation to start tomorrow...not in a month.

--I want to spend my day planning my vacation...not working

--i pretty much want to do anything else... except working

--I ammmmm the warrior. Yes I am the warrior And heart to heart you win
If you survive the warrior, the warrior

--I remember reading something once that said something about: Its better to sit quietly and let people think you are a fool, then to open your mouth and confirm it. I think this applies here.

--real posting will take place when 1) the internet is up and 2) i actually have something to write about.

Stealy Stealerson

I stole this from Itchy...but she told me to do it...so really, im just succumbing to peer pressure.

Assignment from your English teacher:
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don’t speak often or don’t really know each other) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON’T ACTUALLY remember about you!

Ive done this on a bunch of people's blog... lets see if they will return the favour/embarrassment

Super Commercials

Super Bowl Ads

If you live in Canada and, therefore, didnt get to see the SuperBowl XL commercials, click the linky above.

[the one with the baby Clydesdale made me cry. Im such a suck.]

.Football, chicken, and people who hate technology, but have websites

On reflection [and despite the long title of this post], I pretty much did shit all this weekend. The only things that are sticking out in my memory are food and football.

Friday night went to Jer's Mom and step-dad's place. We ate. Jer watched the Flames game. I stared at the walls.

Saturday we went to the Farmer's Market. I ate cabbage rolls and perogies. We bought a chicken from some Hutterites. It was one friggin big chicken. I wonder what the Hutterites are doing to their chickens to make them so dang big. Then again, maybe I dont want to think about that. They're a kinda weird bunch. Wearing their black clothes, suspenders and head coverings. They all have this strange deliverance-esque look in their eyes. Oh and the dude who sold us the chicken made some odd comment about how it was cheaper than a pack of Players Light...or marijuana.

(Incase you are wondering what a hutterite is, they are kinda the Canadian version of the Amish. No electricity/technology/westernization...however, as I am quite amused to note, they have a website here. They come into town to sell eggs, chickens, honey and Quillos...and to shoplift. I dont know why, but they are notorious for shoplifting. For some reason, every female one seems to be named Hannah or Darlene. [Im not even kidding])

Sunday, naturally, I watched the football. Mostly I just ran around singing the Monday night football song [duh duh duh daaaaaa!] and making soup from the aforementioned chicken. I really wasnt cheering for either team...being that I liked them both. I guess i like the Steelers more cuz of that Polamalu dude and his mane of luxurious hair. [and I once slept with someone who played for the Steelers. True Story. He was their punter]

So that was my weekend.

Im still weirded out that the Hutterites have a website.

Beach baby blahs

I know, its sad and shit, but Ive actually been really busy at work this week. Not even the 'ive-got-a-shitload-to-do-but-its-is-in-front-of-the-computer-so-i-can-really-just-blog-and-read-other-blogs' type work...but the actual go out of the office, meet people, be in front of a judge kinda work. So, its finally Friday and Im going to take this opportunity to do as less as absolutely possible today and waste all my day to my hearts content. And Im ignoring most of my clients. ( Wow. Im a great role model. I should have my own motivational speaker series: 'How to waste time and infuriate people')

Jer and I are planning another beach vacation right now. It will prolly be in March...and likely in the Dominican Republic. Other than that I really have no idea. I usually just go to one of those last minute deals websites and find something like 2 weeks before we leave. Thats what we did when we went to Puerto Vallarta and it worked well. Im pretty damn excited about this....however.

I weighed myself yesterday. I dont usually weigh myself-- im one of those people who can guesstimate their weight according to which pants they can fit into. The pant-o-meter lied to me. I weigh the most i have ever in my life. There are squishy bits on my stomach that were never there before. So, with only 6-8 weeks until I will need to be seen in a bikini, I need to get serious about the old exercise and dieting thing. (Right after I finish this donut...of course.)

I just started a new gym last week. Its a far cry from the martial arts centre i used to go to which was uber sketchy, but a lot of fun. This place is filled with mirrors, workout equipment, plasma screen tvs, and, sadly, girls who put on makeup to work out...but its also located right between my house and work. That means I cant go home without passing it...feeling guilty...and going in. They have kickboxing there too.

So 6-8 weeks... if I go to the gym every day for an hour for those days I should be able to lose what? A pound? Fuck.

HNT Blast from the Past: Ciao Bella!

So you find yourself in Venice, Italy... what do you do?

1. Get champagne
2. Get uber classy plastic cup
3. Pay for Gondola ride on the canals
4. Take off shirt

For other people who know how to have fun wherever they are as well...go see Osbasso. He'll hook you up.