holy crap i bought a new lappy..

i have no money... i have no job...

but i DO have a beautiful new lappy! hopefully i can figure out how work the pics soon...

Some logic from 'The Apprentice'

Now i have a decidedly love-hate relationship with reality TV [love: amazing race; hate: swimsuit illustrated model search...seriously, wtf is that show anyways...besides a reason for losers to jack off to brain dead 20 yr olds with fake tits...rant rant rant?] and nothing has been more rocky than my feelings for 'The Apprentice'.

I mean, I like the projects they do...hate the yuppie wannabees...get annoyed with The Donald's hair...but generally enjoy the show. Now this edition, i think its version 3, has a bunch of college educated kids versus a bunch of 'self made' peoples who only went as high as high school. At first i was like 'oh, shite' cuz i was totally cheering for the people who DIDNT go to school... which made me feel like a big chump. I mean, i went to school for seven ass bleeding, debt inducing motherfuckin years and i think that the kids who didnt go to school are better equipped for the show, and moreover, success in business?

But then i figured it out. The non-uni kids arent people who merely didnt go to school...they are people who didnt go to school and instead were motivated to buy their own companies, work ahead in smaller companies, and find success that way. They werent lazy, no brained, and unmotivated at all. So it was cool that they were successful because they were motivated to be successful in a different way.

But why such interest regarding this revelation? Well, basically, it made me think why its not a good idea for me and Mila to be together. I have always said to people that i could never date someone who didnt go to University... not because im a snob [hardly! i hate people who are all edu-smarmy] but because i would find it difficult to understand where they were coming from and how their brains ticked. Ive spent the majority of my life to find career success...and i cant see having much in common with someone without similar goals. And the kids on the apprentice made me think 'no, i could date someone self made too'...

And then back to Mila. Unmotivated...filled with plans and but doesnt follow through...he hasnt written that exam which he was scheduled to write back in November, yet...and well, he told me he never even finished his diploma in Jazz music. Yeah.

Maybe the next Apprentice can be teams of over educated chicks versus unmotivated boys...if not, it could be its own new reality show...except they'd expect me to wear a bikini and get implants.

Career Options.

Im not sure where this originally came from... or what triggered it in me in the last few days, but ive been seriosly thinking about a new career. And im serious. I think im going to do it. The money looks good and if im careful, i wont get caught. And i cant see it upsetting a boyfriend, being that i cant keep one around for more than 2 months anyways....

So what am i pissing and moaning about? Webcam "modelling". All i need is a cam, a wig, and some carefully positioned pictures. At the very least it would be fun. And give me something to do that isnt sitting around wondering why certain boys wont message me or phone...

Open Door, Closed Door.

First of all, praise be jesus! Sweet mercy-full, christ! I was actually able to access my blog. Ive been trying for the last 6 days and [for what i also attribute to why my hotmail isnt working] there are ghosts in my Lappy that arent letting me.

So on with the title [cuz, if you notice in all my blog entries...the titles are referenced first..then i tell a story...then i refer back to the title in the last line. oh, unless i make a half baked excuse at first for the fact that i havent blogged in a while...], i digress..

Door opening -->Last Wed saw my bar call. Im now a full, true blue, legit [but unworking] lawyer. Now i aint gonna bore y'all with the details, [where did the country and western voice in my head just come from? i dunno.] but it was overall an okay time. I say 'okay' because it was kinda anticlimactic: Due to weather and laziness my family didnt make it, Only one of my principals showed, and the court room only housed about 25 people. But yeah, the submission was funny. And i did like that the judge mentioned my shoes. And that was some goooood sangria at the Latin Corner. Maybe im just a little negatory because of what happened at Broken City...

Door Closing--> Mila left early from my party. And he didnt want me to go with him. The next day, he told me i was viewing our relationship "too serious" and that "he isnt ready to be someone's boyfriend". Now i knew this from friggin day one [hello? mr. im all saaaad about my ex? think!] and the only reason that i thought he wanted more was because HE was always calling me, HE always slept over here, and HE told me he was falling for me. So, what was the end result? I really dont know. We havent seen each other since then and we havent talked on the phone. I sent him an email saying that i was assuming we were done...and he immediately sent me a message saying he hadnt been able to find me and was glad we could talk. And each day his msn's seem happy and very similar to the ones of previous weeks. But still no calls. [everyone together now... WHAT THE FUCK?!?!]

So there we are. I have all this possibility ahead of me. I can go out and find a job and do this whole career thing. And im done with Myles. However, the door for finding someone is open again....and i guess the days of being a non-lawyer with no job is over too.Damn. Im gonna miss him. Er, uh, i mean, im going to look forward to a job.

why im a pessimist

if you dont ever expect anything good to happen to you,
you wont be unhappy when it never happens.

things with mila arent good. i havent seen him in a week and hes stood me up twice in the last 3 days. sigh.

Storytime

Once upon a time there was a girl named Juicy, and she didnt blog for 8 days and everyone forgot about her. The end.

Yeah, i suck. What else can i say... i just havent been into typing out my existance lately. Not that exciting. But here's a recap:

Thurs 06--> Me and Mila went and hid out at his uncle's place for a few days. We drank alot, watched a bunch of cable tv, and had some good sex. Id like to think that because things went really well for the 2 days, everything is great with us. However, im still not sure. Im not stressing about it anymore.

Mon. 10 --> Got all my documents for my bar call in. [its on Wednesday, January 19 at 130 btw] Went for lunch with Birchie and Mo. Me and Mila went to a movie that night, the Life Aquatic, it was good...not as good as Royal Tennenbaums, but still good. Mila decides that he hates my bed and wont be sleeping over anymore. Boo.

Tues/Wed--> looked for venues for my party. Its going to be at the Latin Corner at 500 to 800...then at broken city for dancing. Yippee cant wait.

Thurs--> Had a magazine meeting: apparently all problems it is encountering is based solely on me not pushing advertising. Blah blah blah.

Friday--> had one of my classic days where i dont get out of bed until 2. Watched some Dr Phil. Now am blogging. Have no idea what im doing tonite. Hopefully seeing mila.

So thats it. Not that exciting...i told ya it wasnt. But hopefully something fun will happen soon. Ive actually been in a really hyper and giddy mood lately. I really have no idea where it came from and what caused it. Maybe its me just dealing with the fact that me and Mila may be kaput and im really not letting it upset me. Or maybe we're fine. Crap i dunno.

So maybe everyone will live happily ever after. [gag]

More bad dreams...

The dream about Chad was weird... but the one i had the following night was even worse. I woke up actually screaming and my heart was pounding a mile a minute. I dreamed that I was pregnant with Mila's baby...and i was soooo happy. I decided that i was going to move into this small house in the country near a lake and raise my baby with him.

As you may guess, that really fucked me up. Mostly cause i basically decided to give up my whole existance to have this baby. In one part of my dream someone said that i would have to stop drinking [which, obviously is one of my fave pastimes], doing drugs, partying, and, truthfully, my career. And i didnt care.

The dream made me really stressy and onery yesterday. I kinda lashed out at Mila and did one of my 'call me because i aint gonna call you' tricks. However, i just checked my email, and he responded with the sweetest email ever... saying that he was sorry that he missed my email and i could call him at any time if i had a bad dream.

He still doesnt know about what created the demon that follows me around. I actually think that the reason im so worked up about it is that i feel im hiding something from him, and its driving me to distraction.

Then again, i havent told you guys either, and i prolly wont.

Last night i had a better dream. I ws best friends with Mandy Moore. Hmmm. Ive seen some of her movies and maybe thats a nightmare, too.

The Ex Factor

Time for me to reflect on my exes for a change. I seem so caught up on everyone elses.

Why? Well, i had an odd dream last night. I dreamt about Chad -- he who i dated in 1996-- and for some reason i felt that i needed to find him. He kept holding him and telling him i would find him. When i woke up, i searched on google, friend finder, classmates, etc. for him and found nothing.

I prolly could look a lot harder... but really, do i need to find him? I do have a nasty cold and those make me dream weird shite. However, in a topic i dont believe ive ever uncovered here on the blog o rama, i have been known to, well, have prophetic dreams. Ive dreamed of peoples deaths waaay to many times...and ive been told by my father and aunt that my family descends from witches. However, im getting off topic here...

So im thinking of hunting down Chaddie. And now im thinking of hunting down assface too. Why? Fug. I figure i should see how hes doing. Hes the one who always tries to get ahold of me and then i stop calling him. I really have no reason to be pissy with him anyways.

No, im not going to try to reconnect with 2 of the big 4. One i hate...and the other i think i still love. And strangely, i think those 2 issues are preventing me from moving on in my life. Ive really been thinking about those 2 a lot lately. Maybe thats why i dreamt about Chad... although hes not the real problem.

Fuck, i dunno. Im just trying to be happy, here. Why does this shite always come up?

good golly goddamn [again!!?!]

why is the boy like this? is this what our relationship is... him constantly moody about his ex and me having to deal with it? for fuck sake, already. And i thought I was melodramatic. He makes me look emotionless.

Hello, Ought five!

Woke up this morning next to little Mila and thought, first, that i would be ok if i woke up next to him every morning for the next year...and maybe for new years to come, and secondly, holy crap, you've come a looooong way baby.

Last night was a fun party... ended up at a house party full of a lot of a fun people, won a silly hat contest [ i got an enchanted wand!], played a lot of air hockey [to the point that my right hand is all bashed up and bruised] and drank tons [ at one point i was challenging people to beer chugging contests, at others i was pouring glasses of 50% vodka and 50% red bull].

Of course Mila was there at the party [ it was his friends' party]...and, im not sure if ive mentioned it lately, but things with him are really great. He really missed me when i was in E town and has been really lovey dovey and almost 'boyfriend-like' [and yes, i still loathe labels and titles of such things] since ive been back. He got really emotional this morning and told me that he was "afraid that he was seriously falling for me". Yeah, im pretty scared of that too. I mean, i totally dig him and do see us having a future...but i guess, like they say, four times bitten, fifth time shy.

I really dont have a new yrs resolution... i know i normally do have one [thats usually pretty damned funny] but lately, ive been making daily plans for the future and trying to 'better' myself. Like, ive been working out, havent been smoking cigs or the marijuana, been eating better, havent been taking home randoms, give a generaly crap about my appearance, taken a vested interest in not wasting money, ACTUALLY PASSED the bar exam, am looking for a job.... yeah, yknow.

I think ive been doing pretty well. In looking back, i think Nov. 19 was more my new years...this is just the changing of the last digit on the date. Maybe my reso should be that i should just keep on keepin on in the same manner i am right now. Oh and maybe ill look into getting a car...and maybe a new tattoo.