I really dont know why, but im very sad right now. Listening to the sad music [Beatles--Youve Got to Hide Your Love Away/ Barenaked ladies--Call and Answer/ No Doubt-- Simple Kind of Life/ Sheryl Crowe-- Strong Enough], laying on the couch, wearing Jer's hoodie, and trying not to cry.
I do, however, have theories as to why im sad. One, Im really hung over and sometimes my mental state gets a little amplified with said condition... i get a little forlorn about something and all of a sudden im mopey. Two, its cold windy and the sun isnt shining. And, thirdly Im depressed about the fact that Im falling for someone, which i know makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Im scared. Really scared. Petrified even that everything will be built up and go wonderful [as it has been] for a while...then right when im comfortable, happy, and have let myself fall in love...Boom. Ill get abandoned yet again.
I know i cant hide myself away and never date anyone again to avoid being hurt. And id be a fucking idiot if i broke up with Jer for fear that he'd someday dump me. I mean, i keep bouncing back after some really shitty times and some heinous breakups. Its just something i gotta do. And keep doing. [thats the reason for the infinity tattoo on my back BTW] I never thought i would fall in love again after Ian. I had all but decided that i was done. But, I had that lil glimmer of hope that it could happen again. [and thats the reason why i have the red star on my side]
Ive forgiven myself a lot in the past few mths. But i think i need to forgive other people too. Kelly-- for moving on so quickly; Ian-- for not loving me enough to wait for me; Mark-- for abandoning me at a time when i needed him [or anyone] to love me more than anything.
I just dont know if i can.
Anyways, Im feeling a little better right now. Ranting usually does that for me. Then again, the sun is finally shining outside. Mystery solved, i must be sad cuz of the weather.
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