If they take my red swingline, Ill burn down the office

3 minute bunny Joy.

And I dont like talking about my flair, either.

Im on to you, Gatorade.

I was actually very efficient at work this month. I billed an average of 7 hrs per day, brought the firm in a big schwack of cash, and, accordingly, made a really big bonus this month. The sad part is Im way behind on blogging, reading other blogs, enjoying internet cartoons, and learning mindless celebrity gossip.

Im still torn on whether August will be a happy-slack month, or an efficient-boring month.

Huh. Am I the only one who gets that Natalie Imbruglia song in their head when they write or say 'torn'? What ever happened to her, anyways? Didnt she marry the guy from Silverchair? Man oh man, I told ya I was behind in celebrity gossip. i dont even know who Lindsay Lohan is fucking this week.

Here's an observation: It has become increasingly more difficult to open Gatorade bottles. Now here's my conspiracy theory: Gatorade makes it increasingly harder to open the bottle-- making people who drink it hit the gym more because they feel like a puny girlie man who cant even open a sports drink. While at the gym, these people get thirsty and grab a-- yes, you got it-- a gatorade, thus increasing gatorade product sales. Personally, I drink gatorade cuz the flavours remind me of Mr. Freeze freezies I used to eat when I was a kid.

Jer and I went camping this weekend. I think i still smell like a campfire.

Before I forget-- Happy belated b-day to Itchy. I didnt forget, I actually tried to send you an e card-- it had chickens and cows square dancing-- but for some reason it came back to me as 'not received'. So I dont know who was asleep at the switch on that one... but it was pretty dang funny. Still hope it was a good time, notwithstanding the lack of cow and chickens dancing.

Im not sure if my contacts are in the wrong eyes today or if Im somehow stoned. Cuz everything is really blurry and i havent been able to write or type anything today and have it make sense. So if there are a shitload of typos in this post today thats why.

Wardrobe Malfunction

So, the above is a recreation of what happened to me last week when i was in Provincial Court. I went up when my matter was called, said my peace, then went back to the bench...at which time i realised i had just flashed the honorable justice my bra and possibly some cleavage as well.

And I wondered why his judgment closed with "Gonna have ya naked by the end of this song"

Vive la HNT!

Funny Stories for the Fuck of it

So I havent told any funny stories lately. Im sorry. There have been some.

1. Jesus Chuck

So y'know my Chuck Norris shirt? Ya you do. Here:



So when I was at the Calgary Stampede, I was wearing said Chuck shirt. I was waiting for Jer as he went potty and this girl came up to me and said: "Oh, A joke about my Lord, Jesus Christ. Thats so funny I forgot to laugh." I actually had no idea what she was talking about for a few seconds... then it clicked that she didnt appreciate the Supreme Chuckster. So I asked her "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?" And she stormed off. The weirdest part? She was prolly like 17 years old, wearing a skin tight Budweiser tank top, and besides looking like a tramp, seemed pretty normal. I wish I woulda said her promotion of Alcohol upset my strong Bringham Young-esque beliefs.


2. Irina-gate.

So since I posted this, I have had TONS of emails from people about Irina. Some people have started their own little websites about how shes full of crap...some people have berated me for insulting her when she is obviously a wonderful and nice person, yah, a FICTITIOUS wonderful and nice person...and others have found my blog by googling her name and now are trying to maintain some sort of internet relationship with me instead of Irina.

So in response to all the peoples and their emails:

1. I hear from other peoples' sites that "Irina" will write you one or 2 emails, send you pictures and then ask you for money.

2. I dont know if this is true cuz I never responded to her

3. I dont know her. I actually dont believe she exists. I know she is spam and i hate spam...ill let you do the math on why I hate "her". I guess she doesnt have to worry about me eating her babies cuz as the equivalency of an imaginary friend she likely doesnt have any.

4. Im not interested in having penpals about Irina. Nor am I sending any pictures to you. Pervert.

5. If you have a further question/ complaint about "Irina" take it up with "her". Well, actually, if you have a funny story, Id love to hear it. Or link me a site like this one

3. Mr. Ghosty

For some reason, while high and drunk, my friend and i took a bunch of pictures of this guy

Like a lot of them. I think i have to draft a story for y'all. Of course, I wont take on such an endeavour until i am sufficiently stoned again.

Pillow pants made me do it

So today I came into work to find that I was expected at 2 ex parte [ that means there was less than 24 hrs notice] applications for this morning, that the fax machine and email were down, and that a bunch of lawyers were calling for my head to be put on a platter.

But I still couldnt stop giggling about Clerks II all day.

And now-- Random photos taken around my house:

Junky Envy

[click to make bigger-- thanks to Married to the Sea]

Have you ever wished that you were a junky? A crackhead maybe? Someone making meth in their backyard shed without a care in the world? Nothing matters except the next hit. ahhhh, pure bliss.

Yeah. My week has been so shit this is what I am thinking about. I didnt even get to eat my breakfast/ have a cup of coffee today until 1130 because I was busy, running around, basically getting shit on from clients, judges, and other lawyers. [Judges and clients and Lawyers! Oh My!]

I think I am going to drink myself stupid this weekend. Super stupid. I didnt even have a chance to HNT this week... so i present the pics to you right now: "Dancing with myself" [ ie. I wanted to get drunk and party and was waiting for Jer to get home from hockey so we could do that...so instead I just turned the music on real loud and started dancing around my living room.]

What I did on Summer Vacation [ part 1]

So to be uber lazy, I just dumped all my pics in Flickr. So if you wants to see them, click here

Last week was tons of fun...and now its total shit. Like everyone goes crazy at work when Im not around. Abduct the children? Sure! Refuse their dad to talk to them on the phone? Of course! Try and force the sale of the home and leave the ex on the street? Absoultely!

Assholes. There is a special place in lawyer hell [ and its really a big hell, too] for counsel who plans Court applications and downright dirty tricks when they find out that the other party's lawyer is around. Yeah, lawyer hell-- see really i am a satanist.

So last week: Lawyer conference in Kananaskis. I learned a lot. I also ate a lot of these really tasty croissants they had laying around everywhere. Fucken good dude. Its actually the first thing i said about the conference to the boss, too.

Boss: How was the conference?
Juicy: oh ok. But the croissants? Man oh man! They were huuuuge! And fresh! And sooo buttery! I musta eaten 30!
Boss: So was it worth it?
Juicy: Yeah! they were free! And they kept filling up the baskets!
Boss: I meant the conference.

I also went to the Stampede. We didnt eat nearly as much shit as last year, but we did manage to watch the Superdog show and see some minature donkeys. I was really pumped about the donkeys. I wouldnt stop talking about it. Sadly, no one else at the self-proclaimed 'greatest show on earth' cared or even knew where we could watch the mini donkeys. I also saw the Budweiser Clydesdales. They were so cute, and so was their donkey buddy, Nicholas.

Also on Tuesday, Digit graduated from Doggie class. He did okay, but the organiser wants us to go into flyball because Digit is 1. Fast, 2. Likes balls and 3. Insane. After watching the superdogs that day, I was pretty sure hed be good at it...until he gets bored and falls asleep.

More vacation stories to be continued...

Back...and apparently evil

I have tons of pics and fun stories to tell... if only work wasnt so crazy for me to actually post.

In the meantime, here's a quiz I stole from Cinders [and I am trying to catch up on reading everyone's blogs for the last week...]. I was pretty surprised by my result.

You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism. Satanism 92% atheism 75% Buddhism 71% Paganism 71% agnosticism 71% Islam 42% Judaism 38% Hinduism 33% Christianity 25% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Testing the destiny of the man on the Internet

ello my friend! I am sorry. This my third letter to you. It is similar to that two letters did not reach you. I decided to test the destiny and to get acquainted with the man on the Internet. This third letter to reach you will would be desirable to trust me that. I allow to you mine email and if you will want can answer: biglove1@eastlinecorp.org By the way my name is Irina and i live in Kazan city in Russia. I like to get acquainted with people and to get pleasant acquaintances.
I shall wait your letter.
Bye!

Dear Irina: I dont think I got the last 2 emails because they dont exist. Im not sure how you got my email address...especially at work, but hey, whatever. Good luck with the man on the internet. Are you refering to Bill Gates? Steve Jobs? Or are you implying that somewhere there is a giant Shiva live creature pluggin all the tubes of the internet together? Is he watching me right now? Does he know what I look like naked? Maybe I should try to get aquainted with the man on the internet too. Couldnt do any harm, could it? By the way my name is Juicy and i live in Calgary city in Canada. If I ever see you i will cut off your legs and arms and will eat your babies.
Hope you liked my letter and it was worth the wait.
Bye!

So today is the start of Stampede. I blogged a lot about it last year-- this year I will likely be even less involved because Im going to a conference next week for work and will be away. Oh yeah, which reminds me, Im going to a conference next week so I may be a little missing in action. Ill try to blog here and there...but ya know. Sometimes its hard.

So, in the spirit of Stampede, here is the Beer testing quiz for all the little cowpokes and cowgirls out there...

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE


SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION


Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar

laters



Downtown Juicy Brown

Juicy A, We hardly knew ye

[scroll down for HNT-age]

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Thats these guys, FYI:



Thanks to Cinders/ Serfx and everyone else who did this and thought it super wikked.

HNT: C -eh- N -eh- D -eh _ D -eh- Y

So Os wants us to show what we did on Canada day, eh? Well it was a lot of eating and drinking and dancing... but nothing makes July 01 the best day of the year, more than this...

SLURPEEES!



Wanna see what everyone else did for their Canada Day/ 4th of July celebrations? Then check out Os' site, dude.

Dont forget to tell him in the report that he should fuck himself

Ducks on a bathroom ledge overlooking lettuce and zuchini plants

That non existant accident i was in? Yeah. Now the other guy is saying his wife and child were seriously injured in the crash...which is weird being that neither of them were in the car. Fuck. Who does this dude think hes dealing with? My insurance company is sending out the big guns to nail this motherfucker to the wall. Ka-Chunk! KA-Chunk! [thats the sound of a nail gun]

Today I met with the independent insurance consultant and later today the engineer to recreate the 'crash' ( which is in quotes cuz there was no crash...just a bump) will be looking at Obi. The adjuster started laughing when she saw Obi because she couldnt believe that someone was saying that he was responsible for causing 1000 worth of damage and 2 bad cases of whiplash. ( especially of people not in the car... dang! I hit him sooooo hard, even his family blocks away at home were injured!)



Sit? Sit!?! What the fuck does that mean?

The Digit and I had his second last class last night. No, he isnt sitting or laying down on command...but he sure has fun. He has actually progressed in the areas i was most worried about: having him stay on command, come when called ( a near impossibility for greyhounds), and walk nicely on the leash.



Watch out cars!

There is a giant pothole in front of my house. When I was on 'shrooms I thought it was eating the street and possibly cars as well. It actually doesnt appear so scary today.

Wow, its already July...

Aaaahh Canada Day. What a great time to not work.



The weekend can be categorized as a time to eat meat, drink liquor, and uhhh, take magical trips where you are pretty certain that the dog is a NARC, that you can see the ocean outside of your window, and the refridgerator is pretty much the coolest thing you have ever seen. (My exact words: Hey! Hey! Check out the Fridge! Its totally fucked!) Then, on a mission to find tacos, gorditas, and Mountain Dew, We discovered a bunch of kids at their prom wearing super poofy green and pink dresses. I was positive we were being attacked by some sort of cupcake people.



[Heres a hint: It involved these]
After the comedown, the rest of the weekend was pretty lo-key. There were fireworks on Saturday, and we watched a lot of TV and movies on Sunday and Monday, including the entire second season of Entourage.

As this is the first official post of the month, I have decided to declare my new to do list:

- Pay down debts-- I still owe 1400 in Income tax alone. Visa is still pretty scary, so is the line of credit. I am Indebt-or! A giant robot with no credit rating and a lot of people calling about 'personal business matters'! Rar! Hear me roar!

- Go to dentist. I hates it, but I have the coverage so I should go.

- Get my car into the shop for a tune up, etc. Im supposed to go every 3 months. I dont.

- Get Digit in for shots. Poor guy, hes going to hate me.

-Lose 5 pounds. Seriously. All the meat and ice cream is starting to catch up on me.

- Go to gym 4 days a week. See above.

-And finally, Im going to try to post a random photo that I take each day. Sorta like the stock photos of my life...in fact lets call them The Daily Stock Photo .One for each day, or at least each day that i have time to post. Nothing that exciting...just a glimpse into what I do. I dunno, or Im just bored with being so texty lately. Maybe it'll catch on and become an exciting new fad. Or not.

Today: Me as I blog. [ the timer is on right now and im not looking!]



thats my office in the background.

pps. Happy Will Smith saving the world from flying saucers day. Wait, there was an Independence Day before that? Cool.