Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick

(thats a line from 'Stuart' by the Dead Milkmen. Those guys were awesome. I was singing that song today)

First, to my followers, I thank you from the bottom of my ass. You guys rule and I need to put together some sort of gift pack for members only. It will likely be awesome.

Speaking of awesome, how is it that I have been on the internet for so long...and today is the first time I have seen this? I thought we were friends. Why would you keep this from me? I havent been so excited since the laser picture website.

I have carrot burps. Deal with it

I am officially sick of 'sexy' costumes. Yes. Its. Official. I have been looking at costume accessories and I am shocked that you can no longer be a witch, Dorothy, Alice in Wonderland, a princess, or even a fucking ghost unless it is prefixed with 'sexy'. That being said, my costume is sexy... but not in the tits and ass in the air way. More sultry, I guess. (Note: The only time 'Sexy' is still allowed is for Jesus. And especially when he is rocking me.)

I also am sick of high maintenance people. You have to fucking baby them or they turn into a little mushy pile of suck and moan and cry until you get so sick of them that you do what they want to shut them the fuck up. This is approx. 95% of my clients right now. Some lady actually wanted me to make her daughter a dentist appointment for her today. Cuz 'OOOOooh if i do it my husband will be mad. Cant you just do it?' Fuck. Piss off and die. And take back the Sexy Red Riding Hood costume you bought for your daughter shes eight for fuck sakes. (Im just assuming that last part. Its pretty likely though)

What am I not sick of? Unicorns. and Robocop.

Fame Whores and junkies

I just noticed that I "lost" a follower. I didnt even know what that meant when they put that on my profile...well now im losing them and i didnt even know i had them. I am the economy.

I really dont like Madonna. I dont. I guess I dug her schtick during her cross burning and S and M days, but other than that... yeah. It got old. Fast. And speaking of schtick her new one is 'oh im getting a divorce'. Because she has already checked off adopting a child under suspicious circumstances, putting a nude photo book, and french kissing a slut wannabee as other ways to end up in the media in the past 10 years so shes running out of new famewhore ideas to bring up every 6 months to stay in the spotlight. I wonder if she is going to recycle more of those deliberate acts to make it into the news-- I mean she already 'did' high profile celebrity divorce in the past... if anything this could be good for Guy Ritchie. It worked for Sean Penn. I actually am going to start the conspiracy theory that she and guy planned this all along... she has a new tour, he has a movie. Lets get some hits on google when we need it. Say approx. seven years from now. That sounds about right.

Ok. Rant done. I just dont like Madonna. Or Julia Roberts... but you all knew that.

My nephew is blackmailing me to go to his bday this weekend. I have no choice. Attend or be bad auntie forever.

My diet type thing is going well. I miss candy. I miss eating those chocolate covered coffee bean crack that are in my desk when i am sleepy. When i fit back in my dress pants it will be worthwhile.... whenever that may be. Although i wonder if keeping under my points is worth my sanity. I now cannot stop thinking about them.

Shit. I need a fix.

I do FH Mondays

See more Nick Swardson videos at Funny or Die

I want to go home and sew shit. And maybe do some blow. (j/k)

Here is a random thought: I will someday name my autobiography "Confessions of a Shower Pisser".

This is why i dont usually blog on Saturdays. Im not too interesting

Just to let you know, I didnt get fired yesterday. Actually, they kinda kissed my ass and asked, no begged, me not to leave. Apparently, a lot of lawyers who i dont even know, know who i am and are 'impressed' with my reputation. ( Im assuming my legal reputation-- cuz the other one aint the best if you know what i mean, wink wink nudge nudge)

So, the Oilers are awesome.

Thats all i need to say about it. They are awesome and that statement deserves its own paragraph. They play the stupid flames tonight again. I hate those guys.

I think im high on oven cleaner fumes. Weeeehaw!! I think i will go do some shots to ride this high.

Thank you for my rage

Today I think I could kill someone with my bare hands. I was in court this morning...it was slow as hell...i didnt need to be there but the other lawyer would not answer my calls for an adjournment...and i had to wear my emergency court outfit (a skirt) despite the fact that my legs were hairy as hell.

Now I am awaiting going in for my work performance review. Not the best of times mood wise for me to be discussing my progress. I may just get angry and turn into a tiny hulk. See below:



(if you have never seen her before, be sure to watch all of Ms Pequena's work on that page)

Despite my rage, Ive been laughing my ass off all day thinking about 'Mark Walhberg Talks to Animals' from SNL a few weeks ago. I keep wanting to tell people, animals, and inanimate objects to say hello to their mothers for me.

Maybe ill post after my review if i have some rage to vent. Maybe not.

Go oilers.

Electioneering

There was an election here yesterday. Did you vote? Oh yeah, it didnt matter either way. The same asshats with the same asshat party was elected. No fucking change. Just more old guys talking about gun rights. Yes, even the political science degree holders are officially jaded.

I started a diet program Tuesday-- mostly to encourage limited eating in a certain someone that I live with (yes-- its Digit) The lack of sugar in my coffee is making me crabby. I tried flavoured almond milk ( you read that right) and it aint cutting it. I think this is causing more stress in my life than i care to deal with.

Speaking of delicious food, T-Giving went down without a hitch... I almost dropped the turkey...catching it mere inches from the floor...but other than that everything was good. We ate a bunch of weed brownies and got really weird. Jer was a frickin one man show. He kept nattering on about stuff that made no sense such as 'turduckenbuckets' and 'chocolate muumuus' and told us to start calling him by his most famous alias, Rex Morgan. I just kept thinking i was in a sitcom and even had my own catch phrase "Oh, Damn!" that i would say before every commercial break. Yeah, good times.

I know its only 2 games in, but the Oilers are going to rock this year. I can feel it. I am immenseley excited over Cogliano, Gagner, Gilbert, and, of course, my boyfriend, Horcoff. I think there is no way for this team to go, but to the top.

Lets see, I touched on drugs, hockey, politics and coffee...must be missing something... porn. Well, not really, but if you are a geek like me, this is sorta like porn. (yes, its SFW. Nerds.)

Everyones Gotta be something, Me, Im Stupid

Telling yourself that you are no longer sick and actually not being sick are two very different things. Yeah. Hence, two minutes into bootcamp yesterday I collapsed on the ground in coughing.

I wish my grumbling was cured as well. I think only one thing can cure it. LONG MUTHAFUCKIN WEEKEND, FUCKERS!!!! (Haha. I love feeling like Kid Rock. Cant you just hear him saying that? )

I hope to drink excessively. and make pie this weekend. (which is what Mr. Rock likely also has in store this weekend. I wish i was one of those skilled Wunderkinds when it came to computers and id make a mash-up of American Badass and pictures of fat kids eating pie. Can I just say this is the most thought i gave to Kid Rock today? Can i also say that im now really into parentheses? Its the new ellipses. Did you like that i didnt call them brackets? I didnt dum it down for y'all)

The title is from a song called 'Rico' by Matthew Good Band. Really good song. (Its old. Like most of my music selections. The nineties ruled, what can i say? The radio station i listen to has been playing his Band alot lately cuz they are putting on a show and you can only win your way in whenever his band or Soundgarden or Chris Cornell songs play....because they are both doing the show. I really want to go due to my aforementioned love of the 90s and almost drove my car into a bridge yesterday trying to be the 9th caller. They play a lot of 90s music on there. I will win tickets to that show or drive into a bridge trying)

Ive been writing affidavits for 7 hours. I think thats why im very verbose.

Have a fucking great night motherfuckers! (and be sure to think of kid rock and the 90s at least a little bit before you go to bed)



(there is no purpose for this picture other than MUST. USE. PARENTHESES.)

Help me, Pony Wan, You're my only hope

This is pretty much the most awesome thing ever. It already sold, or I would be battling others on Ebay for it....

I have decided that I am no longer going to be sick. Period. I am done. No more coughing, feeling dizzy and crappy. Im perfectly healthy. Lookit me.

I "walked" for the cure on Sunday. I was sad to not run, but there shall be other events for me to run in, and it was better than ending up in the hospital. As it is still Breast Cancer Sucks Month ( that has a better ring than 'awareness', dont it?) I encourage you to go here and join in with all the little bloggers and interwebbers who show their tatas for charity. Go Boobs!

My work is now monitoring the internet usuage of the office. This blows. How am i supposed to watch Dexter and Entourage and the Tudors online if i am supposed to be working? Idiots. I bet orange sellers in Mexico dont have this problem.

I just realised that if i am going to have a kickass halloween costume, I better start working on it. I have four or five ideas, but havent decided which one yet.

Run fat girl, Run.

First of all this is my new favourite website. I have never had laser pictures taken-- my sister had them at high school, but the coolness did not continue into my junior high. Alas, I must love the laser pics of others instead.

So some fun facts about yours truly:

1. I am supposed to run a 5 km charity run for Breast Cancer this weekend. I have been running almost every day for the last five weeks in anticipation

2. I was just informed that I have bronchitis. I was instucted to take four days off of work ( haha, yeah right...like that could happen)and to stop all my exercise.

Urg.

In other exciting news, I hate my job, career choice, and want to run away to Mexico to sell oranges on the side of the highway. Naranjas, hombre?