the little black rain cloud that follows me is getting bigger

The original title of this entry was going to be "Booze, Barcalls, Boys, and Bad news" but im obsessed with alliteration so im gonna try and keep it down for the time being. That being said...

So i got totally wasted yesterday and had to literally run into my apartment this morning because i thought i was gonna barf all over the elevator, hallway and street. It was a friend/ former co-worker's bar call and it wasnt the most pleasant experience for me. It meant seeing everyone at the former workplace and dealing with the ominous questions of "When is your bar call" and "Where are you working right now?" and then seeing the embarrassed/shocked face when i say "2009 and nowhere". Fuck. I also felt like singing "The Old Apartment" by Barenaked Ladies...it was painful being back there.

Kept drinking after the reception and made my way to the Gallery. The Boy was spinning last night and had a special guest in from England, so i went to watch. I got pretty wasted [being a DJ groupie has its perks] and had a pretty good time... then he mentioned how he was concerned that his ex-girlfriend wasnt talking to him, even after he put her on the guest list.

Ok. Story Time again. Im afaid of only 3 things...bears, tornadoes, and exgirlfriends. Especially the latter. I have a stern rule that i dont "recycle" exes. I never go back because i think that whatever caused us to breakup was important enough that it wouldnt make sense to go back. However, my last 6 guys i dated [Ian, Chad, Dumbass among them] have gone back to their exgirlfriends after me.

So that would cause some paranoia, right? Wait There's More! Lemme tell you the rest of the story... Before the Boy and I started seeing each other, his very ex that he put on the guest list told him that she knew he asked me out and she wanted him back. Two weeks later he called me again. I dunno if they did get back together or not [wilful blindness, anyone?] but its always stressed me out.

So, when i heard that she had been there, he had put her on the guest list, and he was concerned that she wasnt talking to him....i fucking lost it. Yeah, I yelled at him, and that makes me really sad. But, in my defense, I just dont understand why he still wants hang out with her. I simply dont trust her at all. No one goes from "I want you back" to "Lets be just friends" in a months time. What I really dont understand is that he doesnt understand why it upsets me.

Im not sure if weve made up yet. I stayed over at his last night [hence why i was running for my bathroom in my apartment this morning] and he was running late this morning and we never talked. I dont know what to do. Im torn between the fact that i dig him alot, maybe could love him someday...and the fact that he doesnt tell me anything, never calls me, doesnt try to really get to know me, and now wants to hang out with his ex who wants me gone...and there are superficial things too. [vanilla is a little flavourless for me]but i just dont know.

that little black rain cloud just keeps on gettin bigger.