Doin what Bridesmaids do best...

Happy Happy Pumpkin Day. And, like every normal person, i celebrate the 'ween by wearing a costume and then getting really ripped and then getting laid.

Last night B Rabbit, Miss Mo [aka Krystal and Lori] and myself dressed in heinous 80s bridesmaids dresses, crimped our hair, and made carnation and babysbreath bouquets and went as drunk bridesmaids. Too funny. And if there is anything everyone knows, when you're wearing a horrible dress, ya wanna get it off as soon as possible. And its even better if you have someone to take it off for you... [and it happend to 2/3 of us last night...]

We literally spent all friggin day looking for 3 dresses horrible enough for our costumes [and that were under $90...seriously, does le chateau think someone will spend that on those horrible purple things? and whats the deal with the fucking rental place?] along with our pretty pearls and satin gloves. It took us about an hour to get ready and become pink and purple goddesses. Uncle Randy [Adam] was gettin a little annoyed with us.

We started at T Mac's party, which was fun...for a while. Then a certain person was a total dick to one of the 'Maids and pissed her off. Which made her start acting like a total dick and she inferred that i was a slut and that people "like me" were responsible for why she cant meet a guy. Yeah, she was wasted. Im not too hurt by it. And i guess i showed her!!! Ha Ha.

Anyways the remaining 2 of us went to a party in the middle of frickin nowhere with Uncle Randy. It was being held by Fine Arts students and it was pretty cool. There was a DJ and a dance floor and a Tipi with lights on it. Oh, and there was a bartender too. Which brings me to the best part of the story....

As i got drunker [and noted that B was hittin on a really cute artsy guy] i realised that the bartender was super super cute and decided i would hit on him. So basically i said Hi, introduced myself...and approx. 60 seconds later started making out with him. His name is Mike [and hes a Saskie!] Totally adorable and he had a bunch of tattoos, which was refreshing for a change. It took an hour to get the hell out of there and i could put that loverly dress in the best place ever...on the floor of my bedroom.

Waking up this morning i was pretty amused by the fact that i picked up with crimped hair and with purple eyeshadow on. Perhaps i should try it again some time. I could handle taking home more bartenders. Kinda suits me too, being that i drink so much. Maybe thats why im always a bridesmaid and never the bride...Sigh.

kickin it

Remember my stoned rant about working out? well, i did it. Yesterday was my first kickboxing class. Yeah, i know. I actually did it.

And, not to be smartassed, but it totally kicked my ass. I actually started hyperventilating in the middle of it. And another time, I was pretty sure that I was going to puke all over the mat. Fuck. I dont know if its that intense [possibly] or if im that out of shape [more likely].

Today, im pretty achy...but not as bad as i assumed i would be. I actually considered taking another one today. After i sign up, i can take any class they offer at the gym in a bunch of other crazy things too. Maybe this will drastically cut down on all the masterbating ive been doing lately. Whoa. Thats a different story althogether... [but i guess it explains why i havent been blogging much lately.]

Speaking of which, i do plan on blogging more. Guess that means ill have to find more interesting things to do than just watch tv and [erm] jack off. yeah, uh. im going to go practice my kicks...

Third times a charm?

I got the confirmation today that i will be writing 6 exams between November 22 to December 02. Yeah, thats alot in a short period of time. Fuck. I better pass this time. I couldnt handle doing this again...

Another stoned post: healthy livin'

So i dont know if youve noticed [and if not, yer an asshole] but ive been trying to manage my weight lately. I dont say "lose weight" cuz then id have a billion people say "ooooh. you have an eating disorder" or "you dont need to lose weight". well poo. Anyways, so im trying to eat better and more regular and like, not gorge out on fried chicken anymore.

Well, shit. Im starting to wonder if i always ate as much as i do now...or if i just ate less regularily and ate more at each sitting. Like last year, i wouldnt eat breakky...but then would be starved at lunch and eat lots....then eat again around 4-ish...and then again after 9pm. And tons of coffee the whole time.

Now i try to eat something at around 1100 am, then something again around 200, then again at 530-600ish, and again at 800. Usually the thingys at 11 and 2 are diet shakes and soup, and the 800 is usually a granola bar. So is this better for me? Am i actually losing weight or eating more? And then there are the pot or PMS or liquor induced binges....

Anyways. I think i need to try exercising. Fuck im serious. And if there is anything, i repeat ANYTHING, that people should know about me its that i dont exercise. Maybe if i find something fun [like the dancing. i liked the dancing.] i would do that.

So whats the story on the healthy livin? Well, Im not having the kahlua mudslides anymore [see: diahhrea, extreme daily case of] and i dont nearly get so bloaty. And i dont feel gross when im nekkid. Basically, I remember how i felt in my body 2 years ago...and i want that back. So far so good with the healthy livin.

Ok. Im done.

Breakin up is hard to do...then it really gets bad

Meeting up with the ex again. Never a good time, especially when you are specifically trying to avoid him. Friday night we made the decision [ read as: I said straight out I wasn’t going there..] to go to Lucky instead of the Mercury becuz I heard that Marco was spinning there. And instead, within walking in the front door of the Lucky [as noted by the tell tale Hall and Oates playing] I knew I chose the wrong bar. Sure enough, there he was. In total Marco glory. The boy that pushed me away…so far away I ended up in Central America.

Of course, it begins with the obligatory “I don’t see you, you don’t see me”…until it becomes almost painful for both parties and someone has to pick an approach. He kept spinning and I switched seats so I wouldn’t have to face him. I even sent other people to get drinks. However, when his shift was done, he came down and said it was nice to see me. I have word from the posse that once he went back up, he kept staring at me, too.

Now there are two camps when it comes to running into your ex: 1. Be an ass; and, 2. Be civil. I usually follow #1 to the letter… to the point of throwing shit and causing big scenes. However, with M, I have followed the latter. Im not sure why. Maybe im maturing [unlikely] maybe cuz I think there is a chance of getting back together [even less likely], or maybe I just really have no reason to be pissy with him. Honestly, when we broke up [see earlier posts for evidence] I wasn’t that big on him and wasn’t that sure that I wanted it to work out.

So whats it like follow the “bigger person” route? It sucks. Absolutely. Its way way more painful than the asshole route and not nearly as fun. And to make it worse, drunky drunkerson here called him when she was walking home. And ever worser [is that a word?], it was like we never split up. Like it was the next day after we broke up… that I never went to Belize… that I hadnt slept with a few guys and made out with even more. Totally shit. I hate running into exes. Maybe that’s why I really get into long distance relationships—I know that when they end [at usually the 2-3 month stage] I wont have to worry about casually running into them and having to specifically avoid where they may be.

Fuck. I thought it was hard dating people, splitting up is even worse.

Another interesting evening with yours truly...

Last night...red bulls and double vodka. And boys. Silly me and boys. After making out with a really rich short guy who always makes me laugh, but for some reason can never remember my name... i decided to continue my evening by almost being a homewrecker.

Nic's friend from out of town was partying with us...and yeah, my first thought was "hes a cutie". Then we started chatting and realised that he went thru all the same shit i did last year. He failed the bar course and had to redo everything. And he went to belize last year. And he lives in Vancouver and loves all the same bars that i did [naturally...see: Vancouver, Obsession of Boys from].So we chatted as everyone got increasingly drunker... then i started flirting with RSG... then went outside with RSG and we made out.

After making out with RSG, we went back to Nic's bf's house and started drinking beers and watching infomercials. It was weird cuz at first i was just talking to RSG, then i started chatting with Van again. Then i sat on the arm of his chair...then he put his arm around me.... After flirting some more, I decided to suggest that we leave and go back to mine. He said ok. Im being vague, but it was pretty obvious that he was totally into me.

He went to the bathroom, and i decided that i better approach Nic with this. She had earlier in the evening made a comment that he was off limit cuz he lives with his girlfriend. So, I told her i was leaving...and i wasnt going home alone. She said "no way. im not comfortable with this". So, i really had no choice but do nothing. Except i tried again. Her bf was funny cuz he was all "what happens in calgary, stays in calgary..." She was upset, not mad, but upset... and i went home alone.

When i woke up today with a killer hangover [at 200] i also had killer guilt. Not becuz i ditched RSG, not that i almost was a homewrecker, but that i may had pissed off Nic. I was almost sick over it. Im not in the best of supply of friends lately and really dont need to lose someone im close with over a boy. I called her, and she was fine. She was almost apologetic about it and made a big deal saying that he really really really wanted to come over and couldnt believe how well we hit it off. She actually said we had an 'instant connection', which makes me happy [ better that than thinking im a harsh whore].

After me being such a 'guy' last week with the piece on thursday [crap. even writing that was harsh.] i wonder whats wrong with me. Im going to get in trouble, with all this struttin around... trouble in that i may find myself without friends and with a really big magic number. Another interesting night to be blogged.

Part II: And then there was Funk....

Place: Decidedly Jazz Danceworks
Time: 600- 730
Price: 17 [ plus 3 for membership]
People: "Bonita Applebum" [Rose], "Lil J" [Joy] and "Juicy A" [das me]
Music: Funktastic

The class was bigger, bouncier, and more "street". Sadly, there were more 'dancy' people there, ya know what i mean, right?. This one chick kept asking "where do i place my arms?" and "is this a half or quarter turn?". Fug i hate those types. But the good thing was that the answers were always "Well, whatever you feel like".

Whereas the FH seemed like a video shoot for J Lo or Puff Daddy, this was more likely what i could see myself trying at a club. The moves we were taught could be taken out of the context of the routines..which was good. And the instructor was pretty good. She was a funky chick.

I felt I learned more and [better] at the the other place...but then its hard to actually compare them cuz one was hip hop and, unbeknownst to us, this was funk night. However, like yesterday, i might not be the best dancer, but i prolly had the most fun in the dancing.

Hippity Hip Hop: Part I [aka, Am I a B-girl now?]

The Place: Freehouse Dance
Time: 830-930
The Cost: 16.00
The Person: Juicy A
The Music: Hip Hop Hooray

It was clear that everyone there was there to have fun or maybe just learn how to get a little more funky on tha floor. No one was a super star or a diva. There were all sorts of people there...a guy with the same left/right foot problem as yours truly...an older asian lady who [DAMN!] had rhythm...a really flexible girl who practically fell into the splits when she stretched...and a unco-ordinated white girl who really doesnt like hip hop music [thats me].

The instructor was great, she told me to "Fake it til you can Make it" and laughed when i kinda bounced when i didnt know what to do. She even did a little commercial for 2 hip hop events [!?! Shows? huh?] which are coming to Calgary. I thought that was pretty cool, if you really wanted to see this stuff in the flesh.

The dancing started with a little groovy step jump type thing [dont ya love my technical language?] and if you ever find yourself in a hip hop dance class, especially one that is in week 5 of 8, try not to be put at the front of the line to go first. Cuz i was and it was quite clear that i had noooo idea what i was doing. I was told that i was doing pretty good for someone who had never danced before in that class [lets not tell them that even if i had been there since the beginning, i woulda been equally as bad] I figured that it was more important to just land the poses and walk in the same direction as everyone else instead of, oh i dont know, learning the steps to the beat. But i know i picked up a majority of the steps of all the dances pretty quickly and i actually wasnt the worst there.

I even learned how to "Pop and Lock" [a dance called "the Scooby Doo"]apparently created by some dude in California named Campbell. It was kinda easy when ya did it slow, but looked goofy...It really looked cool when it was sped up, but it was damned ass hard once that music started.

So, what did i think? It was $16.00 for the hour, and i had a lot of fun. Id recommend taking the whole class [as opposed to a drop in] if you actually plan to try this at the clubs any time soon...i think id look pretty funny if uncoordinated white girl started poppin and lockin at the Cherry Lounge. But id nail those poses.

The Problem with Multiples..

Just got back from E town seeing the fam. Wasnt that exciting, told everyone about the old fail o rama, bull shitted about looking for employment, and ate a lot.

Also had an interesting Saturday night. Me, the sis, her hubby, and some of their friends went to the Spruce Grove bar the "whiskey". It was the scene of a lot of my debauchery when i was 18 [it was called "Taps" then]. Apparently its still the spot for sinners in the Grove. We all ended up getting super drunk [i was feeding the girls Sour Jacks] and then some weird stuff started happening. Two of the couples started acting odd... they basically had "swapped" and were flirting with the other's half. As the drinks continued, the truth came out to yours truly.

A few months ago there had likewise been a lot of drinking and flirting at the whiskey. And the 2 couples [one being married, the other currently building a house together] had a little menage a quatre. Yeah, they swapped. And tonight, 2 of the people wanted it again, and the other 2 did not. KaBooM!!! Drama began. Crying, hurt feelings...yeah, full out Melrose Place/OC/ whatever other fucking drama show is on, i dunno. One chick ran off, the other guy was all pissy, the other 2 were sitting there trying to calm everyone down. I just sat there...and thought "this is exactly why some people shouldnt do this shit".

I mean. Ok. Im no phreaking angel. I may or may not [or may] have had an orgy in my past. But if there is one thing i have always thought, its that if there is a multiple of more than 2 people...then there should NOT be couples. Why? Cuz there will always be hurt feelings. Always. As soon as someone is there to possibly steal some thunder, they probably will...or someone will think they are trying.

Now the unmarried couples are on the rocks, the married couple are all nervous about it, and i really wonder if the 2 couples will stay friends. When will vanilla people learn that if they cant learn the rules of playing spicy, they shouldnt even try.

Well Meaning Sex

yup. increased the number last night. more magical than before. No. Im not telling you who...but it was someone that ive been meaning to have sex with for a while. [hence the title]

I gotta admit, i wasnt very good last night. I was super super drunk. It was T mac's barcall and all the posse was out and in full force. As per usual, i was stupid and had champagne and red wine. But it was good red wine and Dom Perignon. I was a total suck and told him that i really liked him...and that i was sad that we had never hooked up before. Im such a dork, cuz I totally played him. That boy never knew what hit him. Hurricane Lola knocked him on his ass and did her business.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself. And then...it happened. I ran into Marco. And we talked. And he touched my arm. And i melted. Now im totally down and the wind has been knocked out of Hurricane Lola's sails. I never realised how much i missed that little dork until i saw him. So much so that ive went from thinking i was a sex goddess to wanting to lay on my couch and cry.

The Bachelorette: X Rated

Had a date on Monday. It was usual date fare: I ate sushi, talked a lot, got wasted, and then had a heavy make out session. I think Id consider a date a failure if we didnt...which is prolly why i shoulda run from Marco at the outset. [ We didnt kiss for about 5 dates...sex took 3 weeks!!!]

Basically, it made me realise that im prolly ready to serial date again. You know, when I date 3 or 4 guys at once and eventually pick one [and, might i add, usually the wrong one].

Last night i had a foray into the sordid world of reality TV, I watched the Bachelor...and thought, hey! this might be a good idea. Of course, I couldnt handle a bunch of dapper dudes in tuxedos, I rather would hand pick my suitors [ suitors..like im friggin Scarlett O Hara here]:

1. Dave Mirra [duh]
2. Zak Braff
3. Scott Weiland
4. Jimmy Fallon
5-11. Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius, Dave England, Ehren McGheney, Steve-O, hell, even Jason Acuna... all of Jackass fame.
12. Both the guys from Y Tu Mama Tambien. Mmmmm. Mexican.
14. Don McKellar [yummy]
15. Ewen McGregor
16. Ian. Yeah, I know I know. But i think he'd have a lot of fun in this house.
17. The guys from Sum 41. Piss off Avril Lavigne, I want a shot at Dizzy D,too. Although i think Steve 32 would be the one id pick...maybe the whole looking like Ian thing...

Wow. I still have soo many left. Not that it matters. I think Id pick number 1 on the list. And just have a lot of fun with the other 29. Actually, I think this show wouldnt make it on the networks. Too much nudity, drinking, and drug taking. It would be like a big orgy 24-7. Hmmm. Maybe i should suggest this to the playboy channel.

Whats funny is that i never thought i had crushes on celebrities...except Miracle Boy, of course. And i filled up the list pretty darn quickly. Wow. Im a hornball.

Its Magic.

A convo on Friday night with Ms. B Rabbit made me think about my magic number. She was bored one day and decided to make a list to see if she could rememeber everyone on her list and determine her magic number.

So, whats a magic number? Ha ha. Umm. Its the number of people you've slept with. Not really that magical. Me and Lu useda call it the "whore number"...and decided that after 10 you were immediately a whore. I made short work of getting to 10 in law school and my sister gave me her additional 9 [ her hubby being the 1st and only on her list]. Blew through that, too. At that time i changed it to being the "magic number" and decided that it was like Dungeons and Dragons [and no, ive never actually played D & D and all i know about it is from TV] and the higher your magic number, the more powerful you are. From more of a bad thing that you say quietly and to only the best friends, to something that you say like your age or height. Its just a number...but with magic.

Im getting pretty powerful. No. Im not telling you the number.

But i did take a few moments to jot down the names [or alias' of these guys... such as "Brad of Australia" and "California".] for my own reference. No. Im not telling you their names. Can you imagine if someone Google-d themselves or their boyfriend/son/brother and saw them on there?

So whats the point of this post? I dont really know, do i need a point? I dont think so. I think its maybe cuz the fact that i look at my promiscuity as a positive attribute, rather than something to be scorned, that i can keep on truckin, as it is. I wont be gettin to a nunnery any time soon. Not with so much magic in me and with so much more magic to come.

All Hail Princess Hangover

As you may have guessed, I got a little wasted last night. On red wine, which never makes me feel that shit hot the next day. It was the return of Miss M last night from Toronto, so we had a lot of hijinks to get out of our system. Beyond the regular stupidity we had M calling random people pretending to be an angry "Chinese" [her already bad accent actually got worse as time went on] delivery man with a pizza with escargots and squid on it who couldnt get into their apartment building. I was sending drunken emails [ Kester loved his and already responded]. N was worried that her honeybaby was mad at her.

The we went out and proceeded to insult a guy with a prosthetic leg, drink some shooters, and lose some important documents. Always a party.

When i came home I went online and was attempting to blog the messages that people were leaving on the Lavalife phone chat line. Apparently i decided to not post it or save it. Cause its gone. Damn. They were really funny too. Something about one dude wanting to be fucked with a strap on. Another east Indian guy wanted to train submissives, if only they have large tits. Pregnant women could also apply. Another couple was shopping for a 3rd for a 3 way. Some dude said hed only fuck women...he had his pride.

This morning my phone wouldnt stop ringing...i totally forgot M had used my phone for some of the chinese food calls. I guess not everyone thought it was funny. As the 3 of us were totally hung, it only made sense for them to blow off work and for us to go for greasy food. And, as the 3 of us were totally hung, we followed this up with going for Caesars. At Kelsey's in Westhills. Thus began the very famous plan...

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The Very Famous Plan

1. Get a map and select a random location by closing your eyes and just pointing.

2. In that general area chosen, pick a licensed eating place. ie. Kelseys, Smittys, Moxies... The cheesier the more family oriented the better.

3. Get really really really wasted there. Body shots. Shooters. The more ridiculous the signature drink the better.

4. Take over the place. ie. At Kelseys they had a plastic horse that we were sure we'd be straddling "like a naked british dude". And be wearing green beads and the bucket as a helmet. Basically, act like we were at Fido's in San Pedro again.

5. Try to get all the yuppies/retirees/bored housewives etc. involved in the debauchery.

6. Stay until closing [likely 10pm]

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Oh, and naturally wed be in evening gowns. Why? Cuz i like evening gowns.

With that we all went our separate ways with plans of possibly meeting up on Sunday to cement the VFP. I think we thought of a name. I just cant remember it.

Now im just going to think up ways that i can convince the Ferret Society that id make a good Mom. Yeah, thats a whole other story. Im just too hung to type it. Gotta go sit on her highness' throne of Hangoverland.