moogs and chompy

moogs and chompy
Originally uploaded by Juicy A

Omg! Technology!

I somehow figured out how to blog on my iPhone. I don't need to rely on Twitter to drunk post any longer. I feel free!

Tomorrow I start my new job at the fancy and scary new firm. It is both scary and fancy. I'm really worried that I won't be able to handle it.

It's also fucking stampede right now. I have no interest in cowboys and drunk chicks. Pancakes? Yes.

I also have a black eye right now as a result of a broken nose. Last week was Sled Island music festival and while watching this band called These Arms Are Snakes a microphone stand was kicked off stage and hit me in the face. Yeah. Rock n roll motherfuckers.

How perfect for the first day of work.

Aftermath of a stoned weekend

As you may have guessed by my last post, I was super fucking stoned on Saturday. Like really really Amsterdam style stoned.

I started with the weed at 10 am while gardening and stopped at some point before I ate half a large pizza which I covered with cocktail shrimp and artichokes because i was that stoned. Its good to act like you are still in college. And have a high metabolism. One thing I have noticed about my current chronic stylings, I sure eat alot. I dont recall ever being that bad with the munchies, yet now I am inhaling large and retarded pizzas at 430 in the morning.

I was so stoned that I didnt know who anyone was. I thought Jer was hitting on some chick, then i realised it was his old roomate. Who i know. And i like. I was all giving her death looks from across the room for nothing.

Work is still pretty brutal. Now that I am learning which clients are not coming with me, I am starting to get a little bitchy at the soon to be ex partners ( hereinafter the "STBEPs"). One client ( who I actually am quite happy is not coming with me)was tattling on me to my STBEPs that i never returned all her phone calls and I had no passion for her file. Ok, bitch. We'll see how much passion he has for you when you send 14 emails in one weekend that all just complain about non-law related things. See, Im a little bitchy about it.

I am going to visit family this weekend in Etown. The STBEPs are having a pot-luck party. Guess who wasnt invited. Oh well. I got an invite to a "garden party" at the new partner (I guess he would be STBNP)'s place. Haha no pot lucks here: its a motherfucking catered affair.

Furthermore, Im leaving here at 200 to go get a pedicure. Yesterday I left early and came in late so I could get my car detailed. It smells clean.

And now, Stoned Post 09

maybe im just really stoned, but this is Jer's winning comments to his friend Todd. Todd came in 2nd in a hockey pool. I present to you, "Comments to Todd":

2nd places, great job todd! you gotta feel good about that result - you put the work in and come in second - put it on your resume! way to go big gunner. a true heavy weight in the officepools arena. all hail todd second place is locked up and todd holds the key. fuckin rights bud. YES!!! second! all of todds hopes and dreams culminating in this one instance, a pefect syncronicy of events colliding in perfect fashion for todd to become the premier owner of the second poisiiton place on the sloth pool totem of 2009 playoff year. and how did todd do it? well i'm glad you asked. #1 being a fag, #2 see number 1. Way to go todd. Good on ya, and keep up the good work. if this was formula one you would be in great shape for the seaon moving forward - think about that bud? you'd have 10 points in a 1000 point year, sweet! i'm just so proud of the work you put in. and your personality, its a good one. nice. and good. and where will being nice and good land a guy? i'm glad you asked - second! that's where! YES!!!

[ spelling left 'as is' for authenticity]

Jer has a friend whose nickname is "the Desert Cobra". I kept telling him that with a nickname THAT good, he should get a tattoo of it.

Look before you leper

I am an office pariah. People stop talking when i enter a room. I hear my name being said in other offices...usually followed by laughing. Yeah, its that bad. If this was high school, Id be eating my lunch in the bathroom. Or hanging out with the school nurse.

I am a leper.

All I can do is sit in my office with the door closed and whenever a client calls, I talk to them, tell them im leaving, they tell me they are coming with me, and then I have to tell the bosses. Who then look at me like i just ate the last cookie. Or washed my socks with the last of the drinking water. And then i go back into my office.

They are already telling people on the phone that i dont work here. Its really really going to be a long three weeks.

dont call it a comeback

shit is changing. and i dont just mean global warning-- which, by the way, seems to be fucking my shit up really bad these days, I mean fuck, June 06 and its supposed to snow right now?

anyhoo, im switching jobs and shall be leaving my happy nest of laziness in the northwest of calgary for a hardcore, king shit lawfirm downtown. i am basically being called up from the farm team in minnesota to play in the big leagues. Im scared and Im also excited. Oh, and I feel like the world's biggest asshole to my friends who I am leaving behind.

On a good note for the blogosphere( if it still exists in the land of twitter and facebook and blackberry messenger) I will no longer be afraid of being 'dooced' ( which is why i stopped blogging to begin with... a too high tech savvy partner plus me blogging between the hours of 830 and 500 was a little too risk-ay) As i need to take the bus to said big league job, I plan on using that time to blog. (Does anyone know if iphone has an app for that? im getting one from the new kids and it would make the life easy)

ill get into where ive been for the last 2 months later...for now. yeah. let the games begin

Actually Thursday

( although I wrote that today was 'Sunday' on a file... isnt the lack of recognition of the days of the week a sign of dementia?)

So here are some things that have been making me angry lately and Ive been welling up the sweet sweet anger inside for some time.

1. HULU. I love watching first run premium tv show programs online. Its totally my thing. Big Love Season 3? Done. United States of Tara? You bet!. Except some channels decide to only release their online episodes to some fucking stupid website called "hulu.com". And fucking Hulu only is available for people in the United States. Period. Full fucking stop. I have only been able to watch two episodes of Dollhouse...because fucking FOX only uses Hulu. And everytime I think I found a site that will let me watch it....Bam. Hulu.com is only available for people in the United States of america.

2. Commercials with Babies that talk. We went throught the phase of talking babies in the 1990s. I dont necessarily hate when they have babies with just voice overs ( a la the whole Look Who's Talking genre) but when they have crappy animation showing the babies' lips moving. Fuck. REally fucking stupid. Like fuuuuccccking stooopid. Its not cute, its not funny. Its not even creepy. Its plain old fucking stupid. So stop.

3. People blaming everything on the economy: Yes, its shit. Its shit for everyone... Except for people in Calgary. Its really not hit that bad here yet people are using it as an excuse for everything to not paying their bills or why they need to take a longer lunch break.

[ ooh... brief anti-anger intermission: My radiostation is playing PennyWise. I havent heard them on the radio since 1995]

4. A certain hockey team that may not make the playoffs again. No Im not mad at them. I love them unconditionally. Im mad that the other teams arent playing shittier.

5. I have my period. That should just go without saying. It also leads into the next one...

6. Im on vacation in 19 days and I still look like the "before" picture. I need to look like the "after" picture before i start wearing around a bikini. In the words of Andy Samburg's Cathy, ACCCCK! Frustration Squiggle!

7. The church that is by my house with weird signs that don't make sense. "Touch and Feel the taste of the Lord" WTF? Im supposed to eat him? "God Touches Back"? ( is that like Baby got back? What else does he touch? Does it cost extra?-- Am i now going to HELL for writing that?)

Ahhh, That was therapeutic. Ive been angry for a while about that shit. Expecially the Baby thing.

Tomorrow: Thing that make me happy.

Thursday

I think every day is a Thursday, why is that? Maybe the idea that Friday is mere hours away appeals to me..but why then dont i think its friday? Dunno, man.

Yes, it has been infinately long since I posted. Not much has happened that cannot be put into quotes of 145 characters or less ( subtle plug for the twitter -->)

Im really going to try harder to be amusing on the interweb again. Hopefully this doesnt mean taking my clothing off.

ooooh shit. first i love that me and jeremy have a song. its queen "you;re my best friend ' how iam i so fdrunk and ion the internet ? ewveryine has been prerty good art stoppinh mr fro0m using the inter net haha i am going toi blog if you liike it or not mutha rfuyckassss

"Is this real life?"

Stoned children. Almost as awesome as dogs who love cupcakes. I really feel for him when he says ' is this going to be forever?'...thats what i always stress about when im on mushrooms.


Went to Banff last weekend...drank heavily...ate awesome fondue...relaxed in a hottub. Going to Edmonton this weekend...hope to drink heavily, go on waterslides and eat pizza. I am such a socialite. Move over Paris.

Welcome to the French Revolution

Hi, Im Robespierre. Whatsup.**

So, first, I found out my partners gave themselves a 15 thousand bonus each, not hundred. Yeah. Close your mouth, yer gonna catch flies.

In response to that little factoid, myself and the other 2 employees who were passed up for bonuses were mad as hell and, in fact, decided we were not going to take it any more. We asked the partners into the boardroom and i happily informed them that we were made aware of the bonuses handed out and we wanted to know why were were passed up. I have never seen two forty-something men squirm like they were hauled into the principal's office before. They asked to speak to us separately and then told me, simply, that i made too much last year to be earning a bonus. Hmmmm... lets see...I bring in most of the revenue this year...you guys bring in less...and my repayment is being told i make too much. Yeah, great concept. Work hard and get shit all.

Anyways, the whole office is now extremely tense. The people who got bonuses feel bad, the bosses are mad at us for bringing this up, and we are all still without bonuses and pissed to hell. Hooray. Let the heads start to roll.

I should mention that if i wasnt the one who brought in so much, I wouldnt had had the guts to confront them. I mean, they cant fire me. How would they pay the bills?

Now that im super pissy, I need to go watch Flight of the Conchords again. Its here if you dont have HBO. Word.

(** I took a course in the French Revolution in University. Which means I shouldnt compare myself to Robespierre, cuz it didnt end too well for him. Plus, Im more like Danton politically...)

And now a hypnotic gaze from a cupcake loving dog

Thats Stains the Dog... I think everytime I watch that, there is a 50 50 chance I may pee my pants. (the best way to watch him is via the Soup, but they dont let ya embed...plus they end it with Spaghetti Cat)

So Im having a shit day. Again. I just learned that my company decided to pick and choose who to give bonuses to at Christmas...and despite the fact that I am the only reason this low rent hell hole hasnt gone into the red, I was not given one. My partners, who did jack shit last year, awarded their merits with a bonus of 1500 each. Huh.

I also had a pyrric victory ( booyah! I knew a minor in Greek and Classical Mythology would come in handy somewhere!) last week against our favourite crazy ass Court of Appeal litigant, Count Chocula. I was not successful in having his appeal struck...but he was given a week to file his documents ( which is unlikely in that its already taken him over 2 months) and costs in the amount of 1000. Fuck. I still feel like I dropped le ball on that one.

Hee hee. Balls.

Ive been listening the the song 'Time to Pretend' by MGMT alot lately. Its good. About fucking models, doing drugs and dying young. Lucky! ( said a la Napoleon Dynamite). I went out on Friday with a girl who can dance like Napoleon Dynamite. She is pretty much awesome. I kept dancing in the window like I was on Electric Circus. Where was I? Oh right... good song about saying fuck it to work and living on an island with fancy cars and models and drugs.

Please dont make me go out there.

Still no ring. Still no computer that allows pictures. sorry, man.

Have you seen that Family Guy episode where Peter flies to Kentucky and then goes to KFC and asks to speak with the Colonel and the toothless guy at the counter says 'hedaid.' and peter says louder and slower. 'The colonel. Can. I meet. him.' and again 'no man i say you hedaid'

yeah, that guy just totally called me. 'mywhy sez she wan deeverse an i no gonna do it.' And when i said she retained me to do it and i will proceed. 'yer makin perblems that no say be needin'.

I just talked to my client, and she said that he actually works at Red Lobster and makes $2.00 an hour. He decided to sell the matrimonial home in order to buy four jet skis. Wow.

I had to google how to spell "colonel".

I spent the majority of this weekend playing the Wii and smoking dope. Fun fact: much unlike the actual sports, I am actually better at bowling and boxing when i am baked.

I didn't go to the wedding fair. I decided that no matter what, I am wearing a gold dress to my wedding. Why? Cuz I want to. There. Deal with it.

I am procrastinating opening my office door because the next appointment is certifiably crazy and I asked for a totally outlandish retainer in order to have her go away...and she somehow came up with the money. Fuck. Sometimes it backfires.

I am a bad girl

No, not like I should be riding the 'Rock of Love Bus'...or being the raison de bitching for Nancy Grace... I am bad at being a girl.

There is this bridal show this weekend...and every time I start thinking about being in a room with a bunch of princess wannabees I almost vomit on my shoes. It seems that every female is supposed to be born with some innate desire to want to have a big wedding and have "dreamed" of the "fantasy" ( their fucking words...not mine) of this shit since they were little. Why cant I tell people I am (eventually) getting married and not have them start asking about my "perfect wedding day" ( again, the words of these mofos...not this beeatch). Fuck. I dont even have the ring yet and Im phreaking the phuck out about this shit.

Ahhhhh... I feel better now.

I am actually now just telling people I am having a Star Wars wedding...because the only person I dressed up as in a white dress was Princess Leia.

I bought myself this supa sweet espresso maker in December-- and it takes about five minutes to make a cappucino so deeeelightful it makes you wanna cream your pants. Some days, Id rather sleep in that additional 5 minutes and my day is then not so smoothe and creamy. Today is one of these days.

Speaking of coffee, I have approx. $80.00 in star buck gift cards in my wallet. I just keep acquiring them from people and havent been able to use them fast enough. I should get naked and roll in them or something. What movie is that from? Indecent Proposal? Yeah, like that.

I miss Christmas holidays. Getting up at 11:00 am...drinking the cum inducing cappuccino... playing Wii fit and Guitar Hero World Tour until dinner time. Fuck. I need to retire or something.

Henrietta Pussycat says Meow meow Meow Meow*

sorry cats and kittens, I still dont have the ring or a computer that lets me post pictures. oh so sad is my existence. no, not really.

Here are some things I am recently obsessed with and wish i could show you pics:

1. Shamwow...('are you following me camera guy?' )

2. The Snuggie

3. Old-timey photgraphs taken at the mall

4. my wii fit, and my "trainer" Brad who i yell at while i do yoga. Its funny how enjoyable i find angry yelling-at-tv-set yoga.

*seriously, did that bitch ever say anything else?

Can I blame it on the economy?

Sorry about the whole being MIA for the last month. I can come up with a cavalcade of excuses...the economy....work...the break down of my work computer and that the one I am using now is a piece of shite that crashes whenever Im on the internet for more than 5 minutes...the fact that while I was on my Christmas break the last thing I wanted to do was use a computer.... and they would all be partly correct.

I do plan on updating...lets call it a new years resolution. No, a new years Revolution! I revolt against being lazy and not blogging. If I can find the start up disk for my camera program, Im going to load it later today and put up some pictures on here. There are lots from the past while...all simply hilarious.

Oh, and some very very very exciting and good news......

....

....

...

get ready for it....


ME AND JER ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!



Dont worry, this blog will not be turning into a 'bridezilla' typr page. That aint me. In fact, the whole idea of weddings, rings, dresses make me pretty nauseous. I did get a pretty sweet ring, though.