Both disgusted... and amused

I just found the "fetusmart" website... where you can adopt a "fetus" in a jar (albeit a cartoon one in funky colours, but a fetus nonetheless).

Part of it makes me feel kinda creeepy...something about those giant ads that the pro-lifers put on the side of the highway that make me want to puke. And make me want to start fights with them...and push them violently and yell "Maybe you should call the cops!" in their smug faces... [ uh, not like that happened or anything..and i was so upset after that i went and bought a $300 pair of boots when i was really broke...]

Anyways here's what the site says:

If you still want to email me telling me what a sicko I am, go ahead. I won't argue. No, they arent human fetuses. On August of 2004 Fetusmart has had 400,000 hits. During this month alone 5,157 were apparently from the U.S. Government. Just to satesfy the government, I'll say that these are nondenominational, non-species specific creatures.

Anyhoo, here i now present Felix the Fetus

align=left>
I adopted a cute lil' viking fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

[hes a viking]

HNT #2-- Topless Beach

I love this picture because 1. It was taken in the French Riviera, which I loved; and 2. I was completely topless.

On my "list of things to do before I die", I always had that someday I would go to a topless beach and do my thang . I told my friends this before we went there because I didnt want to freak any of them out ( most were fuddy duddy canadians and aussies, so much unlike the carefree euros) when i, ahem, pulled out the twinkies.

Most of them were pretty ok about it. Some of the guys made a point being obvious in looking away from them... but i still caught them glancing over now and then.

And yes, no tan lines.

New to the half-nekkidness? Go here

Depends what kind of meat they mean...

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Wing Bee Your Superpower is Supernatural Your Weakness is Meat Your Weapon is Your Gravity Bullets Your Mode of Transportation is Raft

What's your Superhero Name?

All about my office

Right now, I really hate my office. No, not because it sucks or anything, but because its in the middle of getting some sort of "face lift" and there are tarps/ scaffolding/ random cords hanging all over the outside...really professional looking. Also, the noises. Saws, hammering, and (my personal fave) the sounds of construction workers cursing/ yelling/ and talking loudly to each other. Yesterday, while meeting with a client ( one who has actually given me a lot of money, too...so i like this one)the following happened:

Juicy: And how much is the home worth?

Client: About $300,000.000 plus the mortgage.

Juicy: And how much is the mortg...

Construction worker on the roof: HEY! MOTHERFUCKER! GET ME A COKE WHILE YER AT IT TOO!

Yeah. Nice.

So now I present: My Office

( its usually waay messier)





And the view from inside...complete with scaffolds and giant orange tarp
My personal favourite about the office: The childrens books, consisting of "She-RA Princess of Power goes to the Ball". Uh-oh! Looks like that nasty Catra has won the prize!

But dont worry! Here come Prince Adam (aka He-Man) to save the day and award it to Princess Adora...wait. Arent they brother and sister? Eeeew. Incesty)

Battle (s) of Alberta

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Added to my list of enemies...

Ok I have a new absolutely unfavourite thing in the world...more than gum and rollerblades, even (and thats A LOT).

I FUCKING HATE CELL PHONES!!!

All right. Yes, I do have a cell. Its small and red and has a ring tone that makes it sound like an old phone. Its very cute. However these are things i do not do:

1. Have my phone on in restaurants...and take calls LOUDLY when it rings. Fuck. This goes doubly when its a fairly nice restaurant. Im there for ambience...not to hear you to talk loudly to your fucking golf buddies.

2. Talk on my phone while im driving...and otherwise becoming oblivious to all other things going on while i talk. Which includes the large metal and glass projectiles around me (aka other cars) who dont want to be cut off/ swerved in front of/ tailgated behind because you are so busy concentrating on the fucking thing attached to your ear.

3. Have it in movie theatres. I believe about 97% of the population have figured this out... the other 3% of you? what the FUCK is your problem?! Where were you when manners were fucking handed out?

4. Stop mid conversation with real live people to answer the phone... I dont like it when I lose the face off to people who arent even there. I have, in the past, called people on their cells on the other line when they have done this to me and continued our conversation. Oh which brings me to when i am talking to someone on the phone and they put me on hold....and then dont come back for 5 minutes plus. Hey! If the new call is sooo fucking important than come back to me and tell me you are taking the other call and you will call me back. Otherwise, I fucking was talking to you first so tell the other cunt to fuggoff! [Wait, I was ranting about cells, not voicemail... thats another topic all together. Another rant for another day]

5. And the reason why this is all being puked up here on the old 13 x 13 today: when people go to appointments that they book (with namely, me their lawyer) and then they TAKE THE FUCKING CELL PHONE CALLS WHEN IT RINGS! Okay. You are wasting my time. And yes, as sad as it is...my time DOES cost money. If you dont want to show for an appointment, dont show. And if you do want to show, then I expect you would give me the courtesy of actually paying attention and using my time wisely. ( and no, I dont turn off the clock when you talk to your friend on the phone. )

This woman today actually took 3 calls while she was here... and she was the one who made a big deal about how important it was that she get in to see me to today and I actually had to rearrange my schedule for her. Grr!


Anyhoo: there you are. I hate celluar telephones and the inconsiderate bastards who use them. I didnt even get into how much i hate most people's ring tones either...

Being different is good

Wow, if I knew all the attention the old blog o rama would get just by showing my ass, I woulda done it months ago...

Wait. I think this is like when i was in grade 8 and the Vice principal pulled me into her office and gave me a lecture about all the "negative attention" I was getting from the boys... Ah well. Its just my butt.

I have been busy eating free food (well not really freee cuz my firm had to pay for my attendance) at Family Law and Estate law seminars over the last few days. Ive made some interesting observations about my colleages at the family bar. Mostly that they seem pretty different from me.

One, there are a lot of short men. There arent a lot of men that practice family law, but the ones that do are pretty tiny. [I useda date short guys... not that i had a fetish for them or anything, I think cuz height was a non-issue for me when it came to dating. I obviously dont have that prob any more (Jer is a lot taller than me)...wait where was I going with this? I dunno...right. Short family law men. ]

Anyhoo, quite conversely, there are also a lot of LARGE women. Like 5 ft 11 and 250 llbs. They could likely eat some of those tiny men. Or carry them along in their purses.

Finally, most of the women I have seen around the family courts have short- butch like hairstyles and wear flat shoes and boxy pantsuits. Now Im not going to jump to any conclusions here... but my guess is that there are a lot of "anti-men, pro-women" family lawyers around ( Ive met quite a few) and some may take this mantra also into the bedroom.

As you may have guessed: I dont fall into any of those categories. Im a tallish skinny sex-cravin' horndog chick who apparently likes putting her butt up on the internet. That being said... Ive noticed in the last week that most of the people who have retained me (both male and female) have commented that i was the only lawyer they talked to that didnt "seem cold" or "sounded like i genuinely cared" or actually had time to talk to them. Maybe being different is good. That being said, I want people to let me know if i start changing, being a jerk to people who need someone to talk to [ notwithstanding crazies who want to sue the YWCA], say that im too busy to help someone, start eating boxes of Crisy Cremes or shave my head to stop me and tell me to look at this post.

And while im at it, tell me to stop and look at my last post...damn! thats one juicy ass!

Joining the Revolution of HNT...

I present to you the first of my (likely many) Half- Nekkid Thursday posts...

This one, entitled "Lacey" shows me proudly showing off my new underwear to my friends.

Go here to find out what all the nekkid-ness is about...

Arrrr Tis True!

It be talk like a pirate day, mateys!

Here be the proof, if ye be needin it ye scurvey landlubber!

Drinkin. Bowlin. Watchin the Football

For the first time in, oh i dunno, like forever, I got drunk on Friday. Hmmm... what was that Frank the Tank quote again? "It tastes so sweet when it passes my lips!"And went bowling (i heart bowling). Its kinda strange that i useda post on a near daily basis my drinking stories, and all i can come up with from Friday is "got drunk. went bowling". Okay, Ill try harder in my explanation:

The night started with me eating some sushi and approx. 10 billion raw oysters...but i was too busy enjoying the saki to really get into the food at the sushi restaurant. That stuff is just broootal. After one sip of that sweet sweet nectar I go a little bonkers. I can understand why Japan is the country of Kareoke, the Iron Chefs and Kamikazi pilots... everything in life is pretty fucked when you've drank some of that shite and pretty much everything sounds like a good idea. "Crash my plane into a building? Fuck Yeah!"

The bowling was fun because 1. I was drunk and 2. It was at this total cheeseball bowling alley/ casino place covered in flashing lights. The website, sadly doesnt have a pic of the place. Its really too much. Oh, and I was pretty baked by this point as well...that explains why the flashing lights were so great. We tried to get into the sketch casino [filled with old asian ladies and gents] but Jer [who is 29] didnt have ID so they wouldnt let him in. He got a little beligerent...as he is apt to do when stoned and drunk and just wanting to lose some money on Blackjack. He also was pretty pissy because they stopped our game when we were in the 6th frame. It is too bad cuz i was having a dy-no-mite game. (or was too drunk/stoned to notice that i was bowling crap)

The remainder of the weekend was about me watching Football (Boo- Bills lost... not that i got to see the friggin game or anything. Stupid Patriots game was on. At least i gots to watch GB...] and talking about the hockey [Oilers won the pre-season game against the detestable Flames... which means that I can keep dating Jer. They lost against the stupid Stars though, prolly every Edmontonians' second least favorite team]

To conclude the exciting events of my weekend, I had hoped to get a picture of "the Electric Warrior" but was unable. That thing is going to rock your collective universes. I wont go into more about the EW because words alone cannot do it justice.

Do you have a problem? Blame the YWCA!

Before i begin blathering here, just to cover my ass, Ill let any possible/former/ current clients who may stumble across my blog and figure out that its me [ which is not bloody likely] that i am courteous, professional and would never speak of your matter here on my blog. That being said...

You would not believe the fuckin nutjobs i have been seeing lately... I feel like im on candid camera some of the time. So much so that when i was telling Jer about it, he actually said "that sounds like blog material"

This lady comes in here yesterday and says she wants to sue the YWCA. So i think... oh she slipped at a pool or they fired her or something [both quite possible claims and with a fairly high success rate... i mean its pretty much a charitable agency and you'd kinda have to be a jerk to sue them]

So this lady wants to sue them for "mental anguish"...because they had the audacity to evict her from their housing because she hadnt paid rent [consisting of 150 per month] FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS.

So i tell her, "Well, uh, they can do that...basically they coulda kicked you out after the first 14 days of the first month of non payment and they were quite nice to not do such..."

This just pissed the lady off: "No!" she yelled "They had no right! Who do they think they are! I missed weeks of work because i was so upset!"

Well, ok...maybe she could try to claim that, its a real real real longshot, but maybe....So I ask, "What type of work do you do?"

"Oh, I dont have a job. I havent worked in years. But if i had a job... i would had needed to take it off".

"Hmmm... So you want to sue them for kicking you out because you werent actually paying rent...and because IF you had a job, you would had missed time because you are upset. "

"Yes, and also because before i moved there, I was homeless"

Now this is when i went from humoring her and writing down notes like i may actually be able to help her, to putting the pen down, and closing my folder. "Why" I asked in a trying-not-to-sound-condesending-but-failing miserably voice, "is the YWCA responsible for that?"

"Because I WAS HOMELESS... AND NOBODY CARED ABOUT ME!"

So everyone, just so you know, this woman wants to start a precedent that whatever has happened in your life which is unsavoury or made you feel bad, is the fault of the Calgary YWCA. Maybe we can start a class action. Personally, Im going to sue them because in Grade 7 I fell off a seesaw and broke my arm and my summer was really boring...and also because i crashed my car in 2001 and couldnt afford a new one until this year.

So now, I wanted this woman out of my office. And immediately. My trick to do this is to quote an excessively high retainer amount-- its not very nice, but its a lot nicer than saying "you have no case you weird fruitcake". So i tell her, I dont think you have an action against them...but if you want me to pursue it, I will need $1000 upfront.

"Oh" she says "I thought you could do it for contingency".

Right. So Im going to get paid out when you get paid....so lets see, Im not that great at math, but 35% of zero is..... zero. So I tell her I dont work for contingency, and she pretty much packed up all her shit ( she had receipts for everything she has purchased in the last 3 months...wanted to claim those from the YWCA too) and stormed out of here...saying that the mayor and her alderman may call me because she is going to call them and ask them to pay.

I really had to bite my tongue. I said. "Great, thanks!" and suggested she call legal aid. What i wanted to tell her is that she should have a nice day in her magical world and to send my regards to the leprechaun and the unicorn she rode over on. That being said, I should had asked the unicorn what he wants to sue the YWCA over...and will be sure to see whether the mayor wants in too when he calls to pay for her legal fees. Maybe i shouldnt be so flippant. Im sure the next lawyer she sees will also have to sue the YWCA over the mental anguish i caused by not taking her on as a client.

it has begun...

and the regular season hasnt even started yet... here is a msn "conversation" between myself and Jer.

Cast:
"Juiciferous A" = Juicy

"going to the dome to see the intersquad game" = Jer

--------------------------
Juiciferous A said: hi?

Juiciferous A said: are u there?

Juiciferous A said: stop reading about friggin hockey

--------------------------

Thirty minutes later-- still no response although it still says he is online and he hasnt been automatically clicked to "away".

Robots are fun!

width="240" height="180"
alt="Journeying Unit Intended for Ceaseless Yelling and Assassination"
border="0">

Whoa... I have never seen a better description of myself... this is the Cyborg name generator site.

[thanks to CBK for helping me waste some time this afternoon]

The coolest trend for expecting teens!

Okay Im in a better mood today ( although it is just 835 AM and I just got here)

For some odd reason I decided to look up whether stupid Britney Spears had her baby yet. I think because I heard a rumor that she had birthed the little greasy thing and was going to make fun of the fact that no one was making a big deal about it in the media or even seemed to care. Alas, she has yet to pop.

The best thing though is that on the news page where I read the story they had a link to this...


An amish birthing stool.

And I quote:

The handles on our birth stool are the perfect height for body support helping "mom" to achieve optimal fetal positioning with the standing squat. Properly using a birth stool is also known for reducing tears and the need for an episiotomy. Combined with the force of gravity, you have one powerful and effective tool!

http://birthwithsol.com/birthstool1.html

But this is why its funny: Can you imagine Britney Spears giving birth on that thing? (apparently shes doing a caesarian because she hears that labour "hurts". [sniff] [sniff] Never thought of that when you decided how cute it would be to have the newest accessory: a baby! Move over tiny purse dogs!)

Or, better yet, thinking of the possible people who would be googling that story actually being interested in purchasing a birthing stool "handmade by a local Amish carpenter"? Fifteen year olds chewing bubble gum and baring their navels saying "oh this will be perfect for when the baby is crowning!" Then again, maybe it will become the newest teen trend.. "Like Ashleigh, have you seen my Amish Birthing Stool? Its just like the one Britney uses!"

I cant believe i just spent 10 minutes thinking about Britney Spears. Ug.

Congratulations! Its a Bitch!

Im in a real pissy mood today. Reeeeeal pissy. I have been for the last few days. Im not too sure why...wait, no, I do know why, Im just not obliged to tell.

Ya see, Im allowed to tell my naughty little secrets on here, but i wont air other people's dirty laundry ...unless I can be certain that the person concerned doesnt access my site and/or I can be vague enough in its description that they wont figure out that i told their secret. However, I really dont think this is possible for this particular situation. And its not really the secret which is causing me strife...as much as the effects of the secret.

Its pretty hard on me not to "talk" about what is perched so heavily on my shoulders right now on the old blogorama. I started blogging because I needed a semi-anonymous outlet to vent...and Dr. Phil only goes so far as to provide me with psychological advice. I guess this is why I havent been posting much lately. Cant really talk about what is on my mind. I havent even told this to "he who knows all about me and can direct the cops to my dead body" (a.k.a. my gay galpal KS)...and he knows EVERYTHING else about me...

That being said, the next motherfucker who calls here and tries to get free fucking legal advice from me on the phone is getting one big fucking earfull. Cocksuckers.

The Autumn of my Discontent

Fuck.

Its cold outside. Yesterday, I was able to see my breath. This totally blows. Im so not ready for this already. I spent pretty much the whole weekend under a blankie watching movies or TV. Im not looking forward to snow-- its been 4 yrs since i drove in the snow and Im worried that Obie wont like it too much.


However, there are some upsides to the change of seasons: I got to spend a large portion of Sunday watching NFL football... Im a Bills' fan, but I like the Seahawks too so I was quite happy to plonk in front of the TV and watch the game for a good 3-4 hrs.

Hockey is also a few days away (finally!!!). The first Oilers game is this Friday...against the Flames ( which means war between me and Jer) and Im thinking of driving down to sweet E-town to go to the game. However, this now means that Jer will be pre-occupied with hockey on a near constant basis so I wont be seeing him often ( or I will be seeing him...but he wont be paying attention to me). He is also playing a few nights a week and coaching: looks like i will be rekindling my relationship with my vibrator, as he usually isnt in "the mood" after playing.

Finally...the holiday season: I like Christmas although i am generally anti-religious in all senses of the word. I dig eating Turkey, getting drunk at 9 AM and watching my nephews open presents. I have very recently, however, found out that my Christmas prolly wont be that merry this year... something about dating a Jew who wont even tolerate/ take part in my family's celebration. Hmmm. Strange he never mentioned that when i was feeling like a left out outsider when i was celebrating passover with his family...

I just realised, however, the abso-fucking-lutely worst part about the weather: no more flip flops. My feets are turning purple right now. I will likely have to put on socks. I hate socks. Fucking weather.

All about my roadtrip

Last weekend, which was another classic "first monday of the month" holiday saw me and my boy taking a roadtrip to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to go to a wedding of 2 friends of mine. I went to law school in Sasky and it was a bit of a homecoming for a lot of us who havent been in the fair land of wheat in 3 years. Naturally, I had my camera with me at all times and managed to take some 30 or 40 pictures.

First, to all those reading, NEVER NEVER NEVER rely on Mapblast to get you to your desired destination without doing some other type of research. I have driven the Calgary to Saskatoon route a few times...but couldnt remember which highways we used. Well, they surely were not the ones mapblast suggested. We ended up on gravel roads...driving through coulees and river valleys...in the middle of bare ass prairies with not a sole in sights... and across rickety bridges for close to 6 hours. We only passed 3 gas stations the whole time. Here is an excerpt i wrote on the mapblast map:

ROUTE 507 W-- 51 KM where the fuck are we? seriously? im scared. Jer is getting mad because i dont know. where is the town of Oyen? and how do we get out of there when we find it?

Yah. I was a little stoned at the time. That prolly didnt help our general orientation. Jer kept asking which direction we were heading (when i thought it was pretty obvious it was East) and freaking out a bit. Something funny though: i like to buy shiny things and touch fluffy things while baked...Jer wants to photograph them.
Like 10 pictures of clouds. Seriously. These ones he thought looked like dinner buns (?!?!)

The wedding itself was a blast. It was beautiful and touching and a good time. ( not overly garish or religious...most of the people there were likely under 30) I was pretty drunk at one point, but sobered up. It was the first time most of the posse met my little jer, and i think he passed ( although Chantelle was concerned when he said he wanted to put his dink in the chocolate fountain...hes a keeper!) I never took any pics of the bride/groom/other guests but took 4 self portraits while sitting in the can.
All class.

We spent the remainder of the weekend hanging out at some of my fave haunts in Sasky...and, because its me, humping some statues.


On the way back (again stoned) we decided to NOT follow mapblast and instead take the highway (gasp! what a concept!) Following the advice of Jer's uncle, we stopped in a tiny shit town called Delia to have ribs and pie at this diner. However, being the holiday monday, the diner wasnt open...just this sketchy bar with VLT signs on the windows. Jer thought it looked appealing and would likely have delicious meals in it... I was not convinced. I said i would post the pic to get the general public's opinion.

We also stopped in Drumheller on the way back and snook into the Dinosaur museum.




We completed the roadtrip by getting a bucket of Fried chicken and gravy and eating it in the car. [sorry--pic didnt work, i was covered in grease and gravy] Again, all class all the time.

The first day of school

..is what it feels like right now.

Me with my shiny lunchbox and new shoes smiling but kinda scared... and everyone staring at me, saying hi, then returning to their conversations.

Ugh. Im pretty much sitting in my office with nothing to do at the new job. Ive set up some meetings for next week...but nothing for the time being.

I dont even have anything that clever to say [ although i do like my new keyboard...mmm springy!]

ps the weekend was alot of fun. Had a great time at the wedding and went to the dinosaur park with Jer on the way home... have some funny pics to post when i get back to mine tonight.