HNT: Slllluuuurp!

Ever found a bunch of self portraits on your camera after a night of drinking? Yah. This is one of those. Im pretty sure this is the bathroom at the Hockey arena.

Im also sure i was feeling that blurry too.

For more HNT or to figure it all out, go see here.

Take this job and shove it

Super Office Space



Awesome. So very awesome. Aquaman as Drew is the best ever.

Today is one of those days where i just want to get really stoned and play video games. Actually, the game i really want to play is called 'Board Game Top Shop' its absolutely retarded and Ive been looking for it for years. Its like monopoly-- except Japanese and weird. You roll a pencil [?!?] and travel around a shopping mall opening stores, then stocking them with weird shit. And your character choices include a 1970s greaser, a dancing cactus, a fat cat with a top hat and cigar, and my personal fave, a TV screen named 'Chat'. Strange things happen like all of a sudden a girl in a bikini named Santa shows up and dances around...or you are rewarded with slippers. Anyways, I need to get this game, get stoned, and drink slurpees. I really dont need to work.



Todays weird site, in the same vein as BGTS, I thank my main homeboy Pusher Robot for-- TV in Japan. Since he sent it to me, Ive been going there daily. I also go to Engrish daily. Nothin like weird asian shit.

I wish they woulda had a Melvin on the Super Friends office space...

Federtastic

[there are pictures-- but friggin blogger wont let me show them. cockfags.]
I didnt go into work on Friday-- I took a personal day to get shit done. However, i really just spent the day vacuuming, washing my car, and looking like Kevin Federline. Beaters, baggy sweats, and greasy hair = hot.

I was supposed to go to Etown this weekend and it didnt work out. My doggie sitter bailed on us/there was some sort of mix up, so it ended up that unless Digit could be left alone, we werent going. And I know that bastard woulda hada big party, bought hookers and blow and trashed the place. He woulda called me from jail looking for bail money and his squeaky toys.



Hide your bitches-- its party boy!

So instead, we just hung out and did nothing on Saturday. I bought some meat, Jer bought some comic books. Oh, which reminds me, if you ever want to feel awesome, go hang out at a comic book store. Especially when they have a Magic: The Gathering tourney going on. I went to go use the toilet [located in tournament central on an upper floor] and when i walked in the room, the room went completly silent-- at least 50 males from the ages of 16 to 45 just stared at me. Most were wearing black t-shirts with some sort of comic book or movie hero on it, had glasses, frizzy hair, and pimples. I wish it was just that i was stereotyping nerds, but im not. Thats what they looked like. Like if the comic book store guy had fathered an ungodly army of geeks. Anyways, the worst part was the unisex washroom was absolutely sick. I believe i was the first female to EVER use it...and it hadnt been cleaned in about 15 years. Ugggg. Not pretty.

When we got home, I think Jer had a flashback to his teen years-- I caught him looking for an online D and D playgroup. I guess i shouldnt talk, I used to dress up like Sailor Moon characters... although i havent looked for a online local cosplay group in the Calgary area...yet.



I just survived 20 hit points!

On Sunday we went to Banff. We soaked in the hottub, hung out with a bunch of european people [ as determined by the tell tale speedos], then bought some candy and went home. Jer made me buy these sweat hotpants that he said are 'very Mariah Carey'. Strangely, I never thought of dressing, purposely, to look like her...shes kinda a loon. Wow, from K-Fed to Mariah. I hada busy weekend.

A rare, Canadian PSA Announcement

Don't you put it in your mouth.


This used to be on TV all the time when i was a kid. Its about not doing drugs...but im sure it can be applied to so much more. It kinda creeps me out now, actually.

HNT: Dazed and Contused

Im very accident prone. I cant actually recall a time when i didnt have bruises on my upper thighs or hips. I always run into doors, fall down stairs, and trip over things. People must think im abused or something, but nope...just a klutz. And now the blogging public knows it.

More HNT for ya? Go see Osbasso

I think i may actually be high right now

Its still one of those days. Groan. However, I have convinced my assistant to buy me a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans so i am pretty much high as a kite right now. Maybe she accidently bought me chocolate covered coca leaves or something, cuz I sorta have that coke binge buzz at this moment.

Ive decided to take a personal day on Friday in lieu of running away to Iowa. I know I know, the dream was fun as it lasted.

Every shop in our complex [except for the Salvation Army and us] has been broken into/ held up in the last week. Part of me is scared, thinking we are next. Another part of me is kinda annoyed-- like we are as bad as a store selling soiled blankets and clothes from the 1970s? Geez. Talk about beating up the ole ego. What i dont understand is that if every building in a small area has been held up over the last week, you'd think there'd be more of a police presence in this area...but nope. It still took them an hour to check out the latest robbery. If I was the police id watch the area more...but i dunno, that may be the coffee beans talking.

Im planning on joining a dodgeball league. Im super pumped. I hope i become the person that all the other teams fear. That'd be awesome.

Speaking of awesome, Jer sent me this and its pretty fricking good. Guys getting hit in the nuts= pure comedy gold.

I feel like running away today. Just getting on the next Greyhound bus and going where it takes me? Like to Iowa. That'd be cool. Id stop along the way and buy new clothes and change my hair and assume a new identity.

Of course, Id call for Jer in a few weeks and tell him to come to Iowa and look for Lurleen O Sullivan [ as that would be my new name]and to meet me at the Dairy Queen.

Or maybe Im just having a crappy day at work and need a day off.

Fuck it. Who wants to go to Iowa?

Juicy's tips to saving your life

A client just called me 'Shakira'. Hmmm. I dont get it. Must be my non-lying hips. Actually, I think its because he saw a little belly and belly ring. Golly, ya wear one shirt thats too small, and all of a sudden you are a Columbian pop singer.

Sorry about the crabbiness yesterday. Its warmer outside today so im not nearly as pissy. And its Friday, so thats gotta count for something.

Jer's team plays game 2 of their series tonight and, should they win, they will win the cup. Last year it was quite the party-- it involved drinking out of a cup, many shooters, and some dancing at a really crappy bar in calgary. Im hoping tonight is just as great. After they win, of course. Go Aces!

Im really into this show on the Discovery channel right now about plane crashes called 'Mayday!' The best part is that every episode starts with this omnious music and a voice over calling it 'One of the WORST Aviation accidents in recent history'. You know that the show will end with 500 people dying and people asking why. Its really quite macabre. Here's some episode descriptions:

In July 2002, a passenger plane and cargo plane collide after the passenger plane receives conflicting instructions from air traffic control and the aircraft's anti-collision equipment.

In December 1995, a state-of-the-art Boeing 757 bound for Cali, Colombia, slams into a mountain after going 19 kilometres off-course; investigation reveals that the pilots were baffled by the plane's sophisticated automation.

Dang. Fucking Horrible. Yet... i still watch it, sometimes staying up to 100 AM to find out whether it was pilot error or bad weather conditions. I have learned in my watching of it that its the safest to sit in the back 5 rows of the plane if you plan to survive a crash. You can all use that tip if you like. Thats right, i might have just saved your life. You're welcome.

In the spirit of the show, heres a site about someone who is amused by the safety cards that the planes have and has created captions for them. Airtoons. And just think, you might learn something while you are laughing... like did you know why they say 'dont inflate the life jacket until after the plane hits water?' I do. Because you need to undo your seatbelt after the plane hits, and with the jacket on you may be pulled to the top of the plane...making it nearly impossible to pull the buckle. And then you may need to swim to safety through the plane wreckage under the surface and, again, you cant in a life vest. Just ask the people on Ethiopian Airlines Flight 961...well, at least the ones who survived. I just saved your life again. Fuck i rule today.

Go Aces!

I want to speak to the manager

I decided not to HNT today. No real reason, except I kinda felt blaah yesterday and didnt want a picture of me semi-nude and looking so boring. Maybe Ill dye my hair, get some new rings, or get a tan or something and then ill be in the mood again. I think its the weather. Its like in the last week its decided to be fall outside. It was only 6 degrees this morning. Fuck. Its still August. This is bullshit. I want my money back.

That reminds me of a story-- one of the chicks i work with has a friend who is constantly sending back food, returning items, asking to speak to the manager, etc. because shes not pleased with the temperature/service/colour/etc. etc. etc. The real kicker is that, naturally, this chick is super wealthy and has never worked a day in her life. Shes 19, drives a Hummer, and spends her days shopping. I guess the chick literally threw a plate of spaghetti at the poor busser at Kelsey's who makes $5.00 and hour when she wasnt pleased about how the food tasted last week. Whats the fucking deal with people like that? Im sure if that chick had ever worked at a shitty, service industry job shed understand why she sucks. And why she has probably eaten tons of spit from servers in the last few years. Why was i ranting about this? Fuck i cant recall... maybe cuz i just hate people lately. And this chick is the kind of person who just really pisses me off.

My hate for people has really escalated lately--its not just for clients and people who drive yellow cars anymore. Like I hate people on tv shows. For example, on Six Feet Under I hate this chick Brenda. Whenever someone talks about her on the show or she is on, I start going off about what a cunt she is and get super angry. Yes, i understand its just tv. Shes just an actress reading a script. But i really hate her. Maybe there just arent enough real people for me to hate anymore, so i have to move onto fictional characters. When i start yelling insults and get angry at cartoons, Ill seek professional help.

Im still thinking of why i hate my co-worker's friend. Jeremy thinks i just hate all rich people. I dunno. Maybe its the scathing little socialist in me. Hmmm. Ill seek professional help on that one too.

Okay, now because i got all my crabbiness out of my system [ no- actually there is still plenty of crabby to go around... just im too crabby to keep typing] here's a funny website. These guys seem obsessed with Kittens. Viking kittens, army kittens, kittens getting married....and naturally, kittens rocking out and singing about a gay bar. I found this when i was in law school and i think i made every single person in my college watch this at some point in time. If you go to the main site, the one about spoonguard always makes me laugh too.

Today in History

Today is Wednesday, Aug. 16, the 228th day of 2006. There are 137 days left in the year.

- On Aug. 16, 1977, Elvis Presley died at Graceland Mansion in Memphis, Tenn., at age 42.

- In 1812, Detroit fell to British and Indian forces in the War of 1812.

- In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time Incorporated.

- In 2000, delegates to the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles formally nominated Al Gore for president. [ This is likely because he invented the internet. Who wouldnt want a president of that calibre? Oh wait, Florida.]

- Ten years ago: A jubilant Bob Dole set out from the Republican convention, promoting his tax-cut plan as a boon to working families. [Bob Dole! Bob Dole!]

- Two years ago: A bored Edmonton girl living in Calgary who was single, unemployed, and broke, decided to stop bitching about the state of her life to her friends, and instead started telling random people on Al Gore's own internet her problems and drinking stories instead. She named it after the fictious intersection she lived on-- being that there is no 13 and 13 intersection in the southwest of Calgary...but if there was one, it woulda been exactly where her apartment building was located. Wanting to keep some anonimity, she called herself 'Juicy A' after the joke nickname 'Juicy Ass' she was given from a website giving out random "prison bitch" names.

The Intersection is coming into its terrible twos-- which means, potty training, walking, forming sentences... and the throwing of temper tantrums. Should be a good time. I suggest wearing a rain coat.



Thanks to everyone who has been mildly amused for the past two years while reading about my life and looking at my pictures. Ill keep doing stupid shit and posting about it whether you tune in or not...but its nice to have an audience.

Blogger is a...

One frickin week. Thats how long its taken for blogger to allow me to post. I have inadvertently become one of those absentee bloggers who only post every month or so and take up room on your sidebar links...but never has that "New stuff" thingy in front of it. I totally suck.

So I did plan on posting all those 'draft' posts that the blogger system has been keeping for me over the last week, but fuck man, that shits already a week old. Ill give you the Coles Notes version.

-Slack Babbath = Black Sabbath cover band that rules

-Aces [Jer's hockey team] won round 1 of playoffs-- start round 2 today

-More mint juleps.

-still cant waterski or wakeboard

-work is nuts

There you are,I saved you 5 minutes of reading all those posts.

Now some much coveted 'New stuff': I suck as a lumberjack. Seriously. Sunday Jer and I decided to do some extreme pruning of this tree that is next to our house. Thats 'extreme' in the X games type of way... like picture me, in my pjs, climbing up a giant tree, and then sawing off giant limbs with a hacksaw. Now picture me, with the same tree limb, trying to throw it into a dumpster...but getting smacked in the forehead with it. Then stumbling back... and flopping on the ground. All that was missing were the little blue tweety birds and stars circling my head. I have a giant goose egg on my head now and, naturally, had to explain to everyone at work what happened.

[I dont know why i decided to cut down trees in my pajamas, in case your wondering.]

I went and saw a friend's band play at the skatepark yesterday. Yes, we were the only ones there older than 20. Actually, older than 16 is probably more correct. They are quite amusing. They have a song called 'Longboard Short Dick'. The lyrics (in entirety) are:

Longboard Short Dick,
Longboard Short Dick,
Longboard Short Dick,
Longboard Short DICK!'

Id tell you the name of the band, but honestly, I dont know how to spell it.

I watched the finale of Hells Kitchen. Im glad my boyfriend Gordon got it right. Now if only he would come to Calgary and whisk me away. [pun intended. whisk-- get it?]

I havent given up on the funny site of the day, in fact I was saving this one for a special occasion: Men who look like Kenny Rogers It hasnt been updated in a while, but its fucking great. And those corn muffins are deee-licious.

There's drunk... then there is 'mint julep drunk'

As long as I have watched the Kentucky Derby and Gone with the Wind, I have wanted to try a mint julep. Something about a big frosty silver cup being handed to you by a servant in white gloves while you sit out under a magnolia tree really spoke to me. However, I learned on Friday a few other facts about drinking MJs:

1. The longer it mellows, the tastier it becomes

2. I get really drunk on Jim Beam.

3. I get really drunk and hyper on Jim Beam mixed with sugar and mint

4. I began to speak with a Southern accent and was curiously interested on the price of cotton and whether the south would rise again

5. After not too long, I began slurring my southern accent.

Anyways, the verdict is they are pretty good. Not really a drink at the bar drink, but more of a 'im home and dont plan on going anywhere very fast very soon' drink.

[Note: There are pictures, but blogger is being a punk ass bitch and wont let me post them. Assclown]

The football game on Saturday was fun. Saskatchewan Roughrider fans are weeeird dude. They were all wearing watermelon helmets on their heads and seemed more interested in pissing off Stamps' fans than actually watching the game. There was a streaker at the end. That was pretty funny. He apparently went 110 yards before his arrest. [sadly, no one has it on youtube. sorry, i looked]

Other weekend fun included my babysitting of another greyhound, Bongo, who happens to be Digit's little female doppleganger. Im not too happy with her right now as she was protesting her accomodation at 4 am this morning...which got Digit rooing and complaining as well. Idiots.

I wonder if Drew from Toothpaste for Dinner reads my blog-- cuz he posted this cartoon last week after i linked to 'With you Always'.

If you do, dude, your shit totally cracks me up-- both of your sites and your wife Natalie's as well. Highlight of the day. And I think your fat pugs are cute.

So my website of the day will be the above linked sites... hooray for drew and natalie! the best time wasting daily internet cartoons of the internet!

Countdown to long weekend mayhem

I absolutely killed yesterday in Court. I stabbed a man to death with a pen, just to watch him die. [no, not really...but its a better story than I just got 15,000 in retroactive child support and 1500 in costs against the other guy] So Im in a pretty good mood today. Its also the long weekend-- another classic Canadian 'first weekend of the month so we need a holiday' day, but fuck, I aint complaining. If it means i get to sleep in, they can call it whatever they want.

I hope to spend this long weekend alike the last one: either drunk or stoned. We have tickets for the football game on Saturday and because Jer's personal trainer used to play with the Calgary team, they are really great seats. Canadian football isnt as big ticket as it is in the US and the 'superstars' arent as great, but its still a great way to spend an evening. And, to make it better, right after the game we are going to watch a Black Sabbath cover band at a bar on the other side of the tracks. Fuck-ing Awesome. For some reason, I keep picturing Jack Black as the lead singer. [Side Note: Holy Fuck! I just read that there will be a Tenacious D Movie! Im super pumped now!]

CBK was in town yesterday and me and Jer went for supper with him. I have also started a new tradition for bloggers who want to come to my 'hood to hang out-- if you come to Calgary, I will take you to a restaurant where they serve copious amounts of food served on a garbage can lid and expect you to talk hockey with Jer. Well, maybe not the hockey part, but it was pretty fun to eat the 'Big Meaty Platter' at the cajun restaurant.

Mkay, I have to go do some work now so I can leave work early. Today's funny site is actually 'funny strange'. I really dont know how to explain it...but Ill ask you this-- Why isnt Jesus spotting the weightlifter? He looks pretty buff. Now i present "With you always"

Half Nakers Thursday: Porno

...is what I had this picture named in my work computer's 'my pictures' folder, which is pretty funny cuz if some random tech guy was going thru my work stuff on my computer [or my boss, for that matter] and saw the name, he would 100% likely check it out. However, what is even funnier, is that the other pictures with the less assuming names of 'pinky', 'left-one', and 'closeup' are actually closer to porn that this one...not to mention the whole folder that is titled 'HNT'.

Im guessing that i named this picture porno cuz I seem to be making some sort of porn face. I was actually messing around with the timer when i was taking some HNT pics and got caught disrobing at this second the picture was taken.

I bet i get a lot of google hits for this one....

Go check out everyone elses' porno faces here at Osbasso's page.

Warning: This post involves many cuss words

Blogger has been a motherfucking cunt ass bitch lately and hasnt let me post anything in the last day and a half. Blogger is a total whore. I blame global warming, tailgating, and Mel Gibson's anti-semitism on Blogger. Fucking douchebag.

Hee hee. Cussing out inanimate objects is totally fun. Almost as fun as the word "cussing".

So anyways, I was totally pumped about yesterday being the start of the month and how, looking back on my July 'to do' list, I ACTUALLY have completed some of the things. I have lost 6 pounds, and my dog got his shots. Im still in-debtor the robot of poor credit, but Ive worked out a plan of sorts to pay them down. I wont bore you with the details cuz, uh, they are pretty boring. Im kinda sad that I never kept up with the daily stock photos, but i think that its been hard for me to blog every day when Ive been so motherfucking cunt ass cock sucking cornhole popping busy lately.

Ive been trying to think of a theme for August-- and thought of nothing. Then i just started looking at websites that I find funny. Hence, a theme popped into my lately less than imaginative mind . Im going to try to put at the end of every post a link to a site that i go to because i think its funny. Yah, not too original, but what the fucking christ are you going to do.

So as my first choice-- a classic. "Hat Baby". If you have never seen hat baby before, well... you suck. Im sorry its true. This is likely one of the fucking funniest things on the interweb. Its a persian song...that someone in sweden thought was a swedish song about someone wearing a hat. It has since been turned into a drinking song of sorts. Anyways, its fucking hilarious and the part with putting glue on a ham cracks me up everytime. And does the guy on the left look like Kelsey Grammer to you, too?

Fuck yeah

fuck

shit