Overpopulated cookies

Maybe Ive been working too hard, but i thought it would be insanely hilarious to buy this little lawn chair for my blackberry to sit in at work. Cuz when Im at work, he gets to rest. Get it? Awwwww. The widdle guy needs sun glasses and a drink with an umbrella.

However now I keep thinking of the South Park episode where the townspeople need to sing a tropical song to the Governor of Colorado to "warm his icy heart with a hot Island song!" to convince him to free a guy named Hat who kills babies in self defence... here is the song

yah, like i said. Im working too hard and losing it.

This procedure involves the talking implants

Its my belly. It misses being out in the open air and not hidden under sweaters and coats.

First the good news: I weighed myself yesterday and Im down about 4 llbs-- putting me within 4llbs of my goal. Exxxceellllent.

Second-- my doggie is a brave hunter. Last night the Digit cornered, caught, and then killed a mouse that was in my kitchen. Last year when i wanted a greyhound sooo much, Jer kept saying we could only get one if it was a mouser. Mission Accomplished [ it just took him a year]

Im still not ready to have Christmas start...but im maintaining my rage more than others. Yesterday I was at the mall and there was this little old man and tiny little lady at the front of the cash register line counting out pennies and dimes and making little chit chat with the cashier...and of course it was busy, there was only one register open, and like 20 people in the line. The dude right behind the old couple starts to lose it, starts swearing at them, telling them to speed up. A lady in front of me yells at them to 'hurry the fuck up'. Personally, I dont really care. I was just heading back to work, no hurry. So anyways, the old man and lady turn around...

THEY WERE A NUN AND A PRIEST. Not even kidding. He had a collar on and she was wearing a grey dress with a huuuge crucifix around her neck. They were buying some sugar cookies...no doubt for orphans or the infirm or the handicapped. The dude who was swearing turned absolutely purple with embarrassment. I believe there is a special place in hell for those who yell and swear at nuns and priests. Especially during the Christmas/ Superbowl of the catholic holy season. When I got up to the till the cashier said to me, 'Man oh man, those people better just go straight to confession now...or there will be no presents from Santa'. 'Or from Jesus', I replied.

My work is having an emergency staff meeting now. Maybe its to declare me as the most awesomest ever. But likely not. Were prolly getting sued for malpractice.

Its a Real Brou-ha ha ( or, Apparently Im really hyper when i blog at the end of the work day)

I should fucking bet on who will win The Bachelor. Not even kidding. Im that good. The funny part is that I dont actually watch the show at all... I just seem to always flip between it and something a lot more entertaining [ This year: Heroes] and see like 5 minutes per episode.

Last night I knew the bubbly one, not the virgin, would win... and even better yet, I picked her back on the first episode. Just like i have for the last 5 editions. Boo-yah.

[Ps I think the show is pretty dumb, but i still cry at the finale]

I never let you see my non- Jane Eyre hair. Its pretty much the most un -Jane Hair around. Fuck I rule.


Speaking of swearing, Ive been a total cuss mouth lately. I actually swore in front of a client...a religious one. [ My exact phrase: "I wont deal with the other lawyer's shit"] Im sure her prayer circle will have something to say about it. Yeah, shes in a prayer circle. They think that she should stay with her husband, although hes a real douche.



(the resemblance is uncanny)

(if you google image douche, shit man, there are some siiiick pictures)

Here are some other pictures from the weekend [pour vous Cinders]....included is one of my patented 'drunk self portrait of the evening'

hotdog domino

I am so frickin tired right now. Jer called his work at 330 am and told them he was coming in late... then came back to bed and snored and tossed and turned until 730, when my alarm went off. Not that i needed it, cuz I never really fell back asleep.

Grrr.

Im trying not to bitch about the weather. Really. Im not. But I cant help it.... its minus thirty. its cold. its windy. its snowing. I shoulda called in sick or something cuz it was damned scary on the roads today and im not looking forward to driving home tonite. Its a day where you shouldnt fucking leave the house man. Why did i?

The hip hop party this year was pretty much as awesome as last years: drunk, stoned, and wearing hotpants. [Note: I do infact need to be drunk and stoned to wear hotpants in minus 30 weather in November] This year however, we realised the bar we go to is in actuality a black hole. I lost my coat 3 times, found it, then it would go missing again. Jer lost a toque. A friend of mine lost 2 hoodies and some gloves...plus she musta bought and then lost 2 packets of cigarettes. I dont know if maybe we were so stoned that we never realised where everything was...or maybe we were so stoned that we didnt realise that we were being stalked by a professional thief or something who knew that we would forget where we put things down and then they could be stolen.

Man oh man, reading that last paragraph makes me wonder if im still high. I feel like Raoul Duke, Doctor of Journalism, right now. Dont let me get started on the Ether!

I had to use that title because Ive been thinking a lot about Kobayashi lately. I loved the short SNL had on a few weeks ago...and while trying to youtube it, I found this...him competing against a bear. Apparently it was a Fox special. Awesome.

Mini Wheat

this song has been stuck in my head ALL FRICKING DAY!

Enjoy

Loveliness Exertion

So along with feeling fat and unnattractive lately, I also feel plain. Like Im sure today I could be cast as Jane Eyre in the next A & E version of it.





Uncanny, isnt it?

So, that being said, I just made an appointment for the works-- and i mean like everything and anything. We're talking Extreme makeover without the creepy plastic surgery. Sadly I wont be able to drop 10 llbs in the process either, but Im working on that.

I tried to watch the AMAs last night between periods of the Flames-Oilers game ( dont worry... Ill talk more about that later...) and these were my observations:

- One of the Pussycat Dolls fell off her chair when she was 'dancing' with it [ substitute 'dance' with 'hump and writhe upon' if you like] Anyways it was pretty funny.

-I wasnt a big fan of Gwen Stefani's wig. But the song was pretty catchy and annoying.

-I didnt recognize Nelly Furtado. She will always be the hippy waif girl from Victoria to me... not some Hip hop Diva type thing

- Oh goody. Jay-Z is "back". woot. I missed his style of music which can only be compared to someone grunting and mummbling along to a song. The same with Puff/P-Diddy/ whatever the fuck hes named.

So now, what you all ( actually, just my sister, and Ridley will read this part...)were waiting for:

BWAHAHAHAHAH The Oilers beat the godless Flames last night 2-1.

Roli the goalie owned Ignila's ass... he couldnt beat him no matter what he tried. Meanwhile, at the other end, Sykora scored 2 goals ( one on a power play) to end the stupid flamers' 6 game win streak. There were only a few times that i was worried or that we screwed up ( Tjarnquist will likely be benched next game). Overall-- a good time was had by all..oilers fans. Lets just say no one at work was overly chatty with me this am... prolly thought id rub it in or something. But no, thats what blogs are for.

Anyways, Im going to go and search the moors for Mr Rochester.

[thats a Jane Eyre reference]

[if you didnt get it, some where your English teacher is crying]

Walrus Old-Fashioned

[there are pictures-- but #$%#$%#%#$^ing blogger wont let me post them. fucker]
TEN YEARS AGO TODAY....

How old were you?
19

Kids?
no

Where did you work?
Co-op Deli

Where did you live?
I cant remember when i moved out of my parents' house-- so either Stony Plain or E-town

Where did you hang out?
The Rev. (sigh) Best.Bar.Ever.
While at school, I hung out at Dewey's

How was your hair style?
Like dark brown and flippy. Actually, its kinda like how it is now. Thats pretty dull.

Did you wear glasses?
contacts

Who was your best friend?
Tanya...Kelly (gulp)

Who was your regular-person crush?
Prolly Kelly, my BF at the time... although i still held a bit of a torch for Chad, my ex.

How many tattoos did you have?
none

How many piercings did you have?
ears only

What car did you drive?
Hyundai pony

What was your worst fear?
prolly working at a deli for the rest of my life

Had you smoked a cigarette yet?
yeah.

Had you been arrested?
No

Had your heart broken?
yup

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Taken.. but still in the early stages

FIVE YEARS AGO TODAY...

How old were you?
24

Kids?
no

Where did you work?
For the first time since i was 15, I was unemployed

Where did you live?
Saskatoon

Where did you hang out?
The Pat [hahah! that place ruled!]

How was your hair style?
Kinda like Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction...but it was also kinda orange

Did you wear glasses?
contacts

Who was your best friend?
Lucia

Who was your regular-person crush?
I think it changed near daily... i believe that was the year i slept with 3/4 of my law college. Or was dating Nate. Or was doing both.

How many tattoos did you have?
none

How many piercings did you have?
I think 6

What car did you drive?
Hyundai excel [ until i crashed it]

What was your worst fear?
having to eventually grow up, stop going to school and [gasp!] work.

Had you smoked a cigarette yet?
yeah. and often.

Had you been arrested?
No

Had your heart broken?
yup

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Um, the first and last one...

**LETS SEE WHERE YOU ARE NOW!!!!!**


NOVEMBER 2006

How old are you?
29..ugh...

Where do you work?
A law firm

Kids?
A greyhound and 2 fish

Where do you live?
calgary. [gawd. 19 yr old me would kick my ass]

Where do you hang out?
wherever fine alcohol is served

What is your hairstyle?
brown and stuff. it used to be orange but it faded

Who is your best friend?
dont have just one... just a random and ongoing cast of characters

Who is your regular-person crush?
jeremy

How many tattoos?
3

How many piercings do you have?
7

What kind of car do you have?
volkswagen jetta

What is your biggest fear?
being:
-fat
-old
-poor
-boring

[take your pick]

Have you been arrested since?
almost

Has your heart been broken?
yup

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter/shopping?
taken n stuff

Vote for Robocop!

[ actual spam line. I didnt even know he was running for something]

So I did do other things than watch shitty movies and look for robots this weekend....

On Saturday was turkey day USA, where i purposely screwed up the recipe for the Pomagranate martinis [ doubled the booze, singled the juice] and got myself and bunch of the girls drunk. Then we watched the Oil win in a shootout [ which, I swear to gawd will eventually be the death of me...Im going to give myself some sort of brain tumour over how stressed out the old shootout makes me] Then we went home, got stoned and watched 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow' which, yes, actually has robots in it.

Sunday Jer's hockey team were invited to play against another team in the Saddledome [ where the godless flames play]. This is the note i wrote to myself on my Blackberry during it:

Le hockey

So here I am watching the stars and the bruins play at the saddledome.... thats the peewee Calgary versions and not teh ones from Dallas and Boston, respectively.

Jer is coaching.and the kids are pretty jacked. I dunno, apparently they like the flames or something. Its the start of the 3rd and its tied at 6 all.

I dont know anyone's name. I just yell 'Go Buddy!' whenever we get the puck.

Getting to be behind the scenes in the 'Dome was pretty cool... of course you have to keep in mind my loyalties...



The sign said 'Authorized Flames personnel only'



Flames dressing room: Thats where they change their diapers



Look who's in net!

Juicy of the Argonauts ( a stoned post for yer enjoyment)

Im watching a really bad version of jason and the argonauts and its the kind wehre all the monsters are realluy bad claymation. I was getting all annoyed about it and i realised, how much better it would be if there were some robots in it....and lo and behold! there was a robot!!!

[ but not like a lost in space type robot...more like a 'man made of metal' type of robot. Anyhoo, I think more movioes would be better if there were robots in them/.

Just thought id share

Afraid of giant spiders, Nell o neil?

(In the spirit of the spam subject lines I keep getting on my blackberry, I am from now on going to have titles that make absolutely no sense and refer nothing to the post at all. Fun huh?)

Am I the only one who is getting pissed at Blogger about this new version they want me to sign up for so badly? Sign up! Sign up! Then I try to and it tells me I am not able to sign up? Fucking make up your mind stupid jerk!

Yeah, Im in the kind of mood to yell at inanimate objects and websites. Oh! Blogger! Think you are so fucking cool in your ray ban sunglasses and white silk scarf! Well know what? You dont fucking rule and I think that cocaine you offered me is cut with speed because it fucking sucks! Your white corvette isnt that fast!Asshole! And stop calling me 'baby'!

Wow, that was kinda fun. For some reason I picture blogger as a character from Miami Vice.

Im actually in a good mood today. I think its cuz Im going to an American Thanksgiving dinner celebration tomorrow. [ except its on Saturday, not Thursday, and we'll be watching Hockey Night in Canada during it and not the football] Im not sure if USA and Canada have different turkey days... I guess Ill figure that out. Just in case, Im preparing a historical tableau of the first thanksgiving and puritans on the Mayflower burning witches and wearing scarlet As on their dresses and such. [yes-- I know that those are a bunch of different stories... artistic license people!]

Speaking of hockey.... how about dem oilers? I [heart] them.

Dont worry, I already pooped.

nataliedee.com

The above comic is funny cuz I just spent the last 1 hour and 45 minutes in pain during a meeting because I really had to poo and I couldnt go. I guess its not that funny after all. Stupid digestive system.

Last night Jer and I managed to lock ourselves out of the house. Actually, Im not going to point fingers, but this is how it transpired:

JER HAS HAND ON DOORKNOB AND IS STANDING ON THE PORCH. JUICY IS ALREADY STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK READY TO WALK TO THE WING PLACE.

Juicy: Do you have your keys?

JER SLAMS DOOR.

Jer: No. Do you?

Maybe it was the drugs he was on, but wouldnt you answer that question BEFORE you slammed the door behind you? Maybe found out that yes, the other person had their keys first? Yeah, maybe its just me.

So anyways, we decided to go for sushi and then hit up some local dive bars to drink while we waited for out basement tenant to come home and let us in. Ahhh, nothin like the smell of stale cigarette smoke and taste of non-premium vodka sevens while listening to a jukebox that plays the Beastie Boys and 'The Devil went down to Georgia' back to back.

I know I said I wouldnt talk about the weather on my blog anymore, but this is interesting: There is a chinook going on right now so its eeerily warm outside. Like Twilight Zone warm.

Whats even weirder is that people act strange when there are chinooks. For example, One of my partners is singing 'Papa Dont Preach' right now outside my office. (Fuck. Not even kidding.) And this is the dude who normally slams the door to his office whenever Im giggling with the receptionist too loud. A bunch of my clients emailed me with weeeird questions. My normally jovial assistant keeps swearing like she has tourettes...And I have a craving for baked beans. Its like frickin bizzaro land here today.

Seriously. I need to hit the gym or something.

Fuck. The updates. Why is it so hard for me to post lately? I really dont know and, therefore, shall not attempt to give you an answer.

I spent the long weekend being an absolute slob. There were days that i didnt leave the house and wore sweatpants. Im so slovenly lately Im afraid Im turning into my dog. Seriously. And that guy knows a lot about hanging around and doing nothing. Even when i was unemployed i made a point of leaving my place at least once a day... Sheesh. Im embarrassed just typing this.

On a somewhat (but not really) similar note, I had quite the wardrobe malfunction today at the Courthouse. No, I didnt nip slip a judge again, instead I split the seam of my pants like a fat person. Luckily, it was in the courthouse library and no one was around. I dropped my copycard and had to climb over the copier and RRRRIIIPP. The saddest music in the world.

I had to go across the street and buy a new pair of pants. And now because I was feeling fat and unnattractive ( and yes, the new pants are fairly stretchy so it wont happen again), I had to do what all women do when they feel sad. I bought shoes.

Somewhere, a man just rolled his eyes.

I didnt just buy shoes-- I bought 2 pairs of expensive shoes. One pair is sensible, but saucy, and are something I can wear to court. The other pair is ridiculous, very high heeled, and black patent leather. Guess which pair im wearing now with my stretchy, fat person, I-cant-believe-I-split-my-other-pants, pants? Hells yeah.

HNT: Bootsy

I usually hide these babies under my dress pants... I decided that my poor saucy boots needed a chance to shine in all their potentially slutty glory. Enjoy!

Click here and join Os and everyone else playing peek-a-boo this week....

New room mate

This is Fernando. His name caused almost every person in my office to roll their eyes... but the cool people (ie. Oiler fans) know why his name rules.

Porn and Pony Show

Its official: I take a poop between 9:10- 9:20 each morning. I dont know why I decided to post this tidbit. I guess Im just kinda excited because it means Im regular. Thats pretty cool.

So I had 2 totally weird and unconnected dreams last night...or so I thought.

The first one, I was looking everywhere for the names of the first series of My Little Ponies. I could remember Blossom, Cotton Candy, Butterscotch, Bluebell, and Snuzzle... but that was all. I was wandering through West Edmonton Mall and couldnt find the other ponies anywhere. [I guess because it was in WEM I should really count that dream as a nightmare. I hate that place] Finally, I decided to give up and just go bungee jumping instead.

The next dream occurred after Jer woke me up at 330Am to ask me what time it was. Man does that shit piss me off. Look yourself for gawd sakes.

Anyway, I was in Vegas with Jeremy and my gay best friend and we were wandering around in what resembled the REd Light district in Amsterdam. After we walked around for a while a guy asked me if I was interested in making some money. WE all decided it was a good idea...and I was given these red thigh high boots and red wig and taken to my window. I dont actually recall if i made any money....as the next part of my dream involved me being at the beach...

Anyways, so this morning Im still thinking about the pony question and decide to google it... and come across this link
Apparently I am not the only one who has pondered both MLP and the sex trade at the same time.


Ps. This is the ponies I missed: Minty



PPS. I only got 6 out of 12 on that quiz.

Beige.

Im like super shitty about updating lately. Id like to think its because im so busy doing exciting and wonderful things... but its not. If anything, its cuz nothing has been happening thats really exciting or worth posting and I dont want to bore you with my boringdom. My boringness. My boringateria.

So instead Im going to throw out the little things that have been going down which arent worthy of their own post, but are still semi-interesting.

-Im wearing beige. I feel drab and blah in beige.

-Im still infuriated to the point of kicking some ass or killing someone over the game on Friday. If you are an Oilers fan, you know what Im talking about. If you're not... then you should look it up because it makes me way to angry to explain it.

-I have a T-shirt coming from Married to the Sea Guess which one? Its pretty obvious, I think. Then again, I think most of them were pretty funny.

-Do you remember friendship pins? What was the deal with those? I like you, so here is a safety pin with 4 beads on it. Were these big anywhere else? They were fucking gangbusters in Spruce Grove.

-The Digit is in Flyball-- y'know that dog thing thats always on OLN where they jump and then catch a ball and run back. I think we may drop out cuz the Dig is so busy trying to see what everyone else is doing that he doesnt care about doing his own stuff. He only wants what the other dogs have. If he was a person, hed totally be into fads...but only if he saw the cool kids do it first.

-I have a new fish. Its an algae sucker. His name is Hoover.

- I dont know what size of pants i wear. My pants in my closet go from size 8 (gasp!) to 2 (yippeee!). I want to buy new ones but I dont know where to start. At least I know what size of jeans i wear.... sorta.

-If you have a blackberry, I think you rule.

Thats all for now. Ill try to think of something interesting for tomorrow. I may start telling stories of my sordid past cuz they're a lot cooler than my present.

Gopher guts

Last night, we had candy, we had a punkin...and we had NO kids come trick or treating to our house yesterday. I am a halloween failure.

In other news, this is the biggest news story in Calgary right now. Seriously.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders mascot 'Gainer the Gopher' is not allowed to come to our stadium for the Western semi-final in the CFL.

Yup. Thats the hot story right now... and tons of people have a big exasperated and passionate opinion about the "issue". Im sure every blog in Calgary will will blabbing about this. As a Calgary blogger... I am going to say....

WHO. FUCKING. CARES.

And thats it.

(And yes I like the CFL. I may actually go to the game on Sunday. I just dont give a fuck about whether the 'Riders can or cannot bring their mascot. Seriously. There are people dying in the world.)


This is Gainer. Im not scared, are you?