RIP Texas

There has been a death at the Intersection of 13 and 13. We are all deeply saddened by the untimely loss ( but likely no one more than me)of Texas. For those of you who didnt know him, its hard to convey how much he really and truly meant to me. We spent a lot of special time together...especially when i was unemployed and had nothing else to do. He was there for me when i was single..when i was in less than satisfying relationships (I was calling on him twice a day when i was dating Mila)...and for times that i just needed a little something more.

Texas was my vibrator.

He was named after the saying "Dont mess with Texas" cuz you surely did not want to get in the way between me and my 6 inches of blue plastic heaven. On Tuesday, he just sputtered and quit... i changed his batteries...but it was too late. He was gone.

He is survived by the other dwellers in the green suitcase thats under my bed ( the contents of which i will not get into in this sad sad time). He will be missed.

Biker Babe

Okay, I thought I'd better post something next to this one... its a pretty good story.

Its Saturday night...Im wasted on Red Bull and Vodka and cant stop singing "Hollaback Girl" after a fun- filled [although my pal never picked up as planned]night at the gay bar. We go into the local convenience store called "Macs" [do they have those elsewhere, or are they a Canadian invention? Kinda a rip-off of 7-11 but with its own Subway Sandwich counter] and purchase my secret weapon for hangovers: Blue Gatorade. Some total neandrathals at the sandwich counter were talking shit about how everyone in the Macs was "gay" or "ugly" or "fat" [the irony being that they were fat and ugly and no woman with any respect would sleep with either of those frat boy wanna bes] and they were totally pissing me off. They were picking on some 16 yr old punk kid when i just about lost it... I thought i might had to open a can of whupass on them. I hate assholes and am mouthy enough to say something to cunts like that when im sober...when ive been drinking RBVs Im a friggin freight train of rage...
But, for some unknown reason i decided to play it cool. Bought my Gatorade. Smiled at the cashier... and went in the back alley behind the Macs to rant loudly about how much i hate jackasses like that... and i saw it. The little red tricycle. All of a sudden my red bull induced rage was gone. I got really excited and decided i needed to ride it. It was really fun and i only bashed up my knees on it about six times [and, naturally, have someone take a pic of me doing such].

I actually went back to get it on Monday... being that it was in pretty good condition and someone had throw it out. I was going to go drop it off at one of those salvation army places that sells stuff cheap to poor people. Some little kid coulda gotten as much enjoyment out of it as me [although likely not on a redbull rampage]. But it was gone. Sigh.

[enter scene of me 40 years from now of screaming "Rooooosebud!!!"]

Canada is awesome

Take that, George Bush. Haha!

[yah, i cant figure out how to link it...click on title, methinks?!?!]

Public Apology

I dont know when i posted that last post. I really cant remember.

As you may have guessed, it was a bit of a crazy party night last night, and i may have been under the influence of various drug-like substances that were likely drugs.

There was some dancing, a trip to a sketchy bar to hear a heavy metal band (?), smashing up some planters and kicking the crap out of a wooden statue on a kitschy street, saving Jer from being arrested for shoplifting, plans to beat the shit out of some chick trying to kiss Jer, and talking the ear off some guy who had the misfortune to sit next to me for a few hours....and im sure much more that i cant remember.

All together now: I'm sorry.

So Im just getting ready to go out to the Gay bars with a friend [ not Jer.. seriously. hes not the type to go to a bar with a wall of penis' on it] Im sure im heading out for another night as "wholesome" as the last. Maybe i should just apologize now and get it over with...

D'oh

yes.. get ready for...

its 5 am... ive been dwinkin and rockin and snerfin fer hours

im so sorry u know me right now... it;ll be betyter some other time whrn i understanmdf the feelimng in my fingers ....


or not bwahahahahahhha

FYI

...gravy is very difficult to get out of your work computer keyboard. And it looks pretty heinous, too.

My suggestions to remedy this situation:

1. Try not to eat over the computer

2. If you must eat over the computer, try not to eat meat pies over the computer

3. Should you eat meat pies over the computer [you savage you!] , put down paper/towels/ papertowels/ a co- worker between your face and the keyboard.

4. When/ if you get gravy on the keyboard, try to immediately suck it off. Forget about trying to scoop it with a towel...it wont work. You might want to close your office door before trying this, though, i cant imagine it looks too professional... and the sound is pretty vile.

5. When I said 'suck it off' I meant the gravy. Pervert.

6. Although I too giggled when i read it.

Celeb Gossip rots your brain...and how!

Okay.

Im sick of Tom Cruise. Im sick of Katie "I was only a B- grade actress until i started dating this older guy with a large following" Holmes. I really dont care. Seriously. Why are you all trying to make me?

Im also sick of Lindsay Lohan. Yah. I liked 'Mean Girls'. It made me laugh. Found it a little preachy near the end, but overall, not too bad. But I dont care if she has blonde/red/no hair, whether they are fake or if shes anorexic, and if shes being chased by paparazzi.

I dont care that Brad and Jennifer split. Or if someone cheated. Or if they slept with Angelina Jolie [ although, yes, she is hot.]

i dont understand why its now cool to have relationship nicknames. 'Bennifer' 'Bennifer 2' 'Bennifer 3: The Revenge.' Bragelina, and (and this is what actually started this rant today... i just wanted to read about basketball and i had to wade thru this celebrity shit first) 'TomKat'. Would Jer and I make the papers if we had one?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRESS RELEASE: HOLLYWOOD

Juiceremy: Are they or arent they?

All Hollywood is a buzz over the newest rumor.

Mail deliverer, Hockey Comissioner and owner of glistening thighs, Jer, has asked girlfriend Juicy A to come to dinner with him over at his Mom's house tonight, he announced on Thursday, ending weeks of speculation over whether Hollywood's hottest couple would make such serious meal- related plans for tonight. Appearing with Juicy at a Paris news conference, her publicist noted how the famed blogger, "was ecstatic" at the opportunity to make plans for dinner.

As expected, celebrities have been voicing their acceptance and concern over the "juiceremy" phenomenon. While on Jay Leno, Lindsay Lohan went into a 10 minute tirade about the couple, minutes before running to the bathroom and inducing vomit. Meanwhile, the cast of Jackass, Zach Braff, and BMX pro-rider Dave Mirra have been saddened by the news. Mirra told Julie Moran of Entertainment Tonight ' Its a sad day for guys everywhere. Juicy never went to dinner with me'. Jennifer Aniston has refused to comment on the dinner plans.

There is no word from either of the celebs press teams as to whether they are still planning to go shopping for dishwashers on Saturday, or if this is still just another notorious Juiceremy rumor.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zut Alors!

I am currently [actually im on hold] on the phone with a lawfirm in Paris, France. Between my highschool French and his broken English, we are trying to draft an affidavit. Fack!

Does anyone know how to say: "Holy shit! I really dont understand the French Civil code! Please slow down!" ? I do know [and have been saying] "Quoi?! Repetez-sil vous plait!" a lot. [that means "what!? say that again please?"]

I also told him i had been to Paris and i know where the courthouse is located. He was less amused about this factoid than I was. Jerk. I though it was cool.

K hes back. au revoir, mes amis. [that means "later skaters"]

Job insecurity, possible relocation, and I really hate Jeremy's new bed.

The title says it all. I guess when you havent blogged in 5 days, a lot can happen. I hate the long, list like posts, but sometimes they are a necessary evil.

The work thing: Im only on a 3 month contract right now. Im getting a little edgy cuz its been 2.5 mths and no word as to my possible security. In fact I received an email [yah, thats right, an email] from the boss telling me to basically shape up or ship out. When he finally faced me about it, he basically let me know that there wasnt much room for me in the department i have been working in, but lots of room in the other department. So, starting at 800 this morning, i started ass kissing the partner in the litigation department. Im also looking elsewhere, but as the posts from August to April will let you know, I hate looking for jobs and am rather shitty at it.

The moving thing: while negotiating possible job changes, I have also been negotiating (is that the right word? how about trying to talk about but the topic keeps mysteriously changing?) moving into Jer's place. It means saying goodbye to my beloved apartment [sniff] and also to living at the notorious intersection of 13 and 13. Also, Im thinking id have to give up masturbating in front of the TV [then again, he may enjoy it....] However, its not certain. Hes never lived with anyone before and i think hes freaked. He's got until Friday before i tell him the deal's off the table. [ps its our 4-monthaversary today...yipppee!]

And how i despise Jer's new bed: Im very handy. I can build all sorts of shit like a motherfucker. However, its not so easy when the store gives you the wrong pieces. Instead of take them back and be rational [ahem, my idea] "we" decided to make them fit. The result? The platform bed which was supposed to easily slide together? Yah, I spent close to 2 hours hand screwing in L brackets to each slat on the bed. Im covered in blisters... looks like im a chronic masturbater [oh...wait... i am...]. Dont get me wrong, it looks nice and it will withstand a tornado, but i really really hate it.

Thats it for now. Actually, I could drone on another 20 pages about this weekend [went to Lethbridge, got "caught in a snowstorm", had my picture taken for the company website....] but i shall save your poor little eyes. Oh, and i have to figure out those meme thingys.

Im a scientist.

Actually, I'm not. Far from it. Science is actually one of my mortal enemies [along with the little orange and white kitty cat that lives across the street... but thats another story all together.] Anyways, where was i? Right. My experiment. And the data and observations i make in here are not to be construed as sexist, racist, or bigotted... they are just my personal observations. Lighten up, already people. I love everyone... except old white right wing protestant males that vote for the Conservative/Reform/ Nazi party in Canada [hee hee kidding...or am i?]

The Experiment: Do people like my hair better curly or straight? [what? you think i was looking for a cure for cancer? Gawd. Have you SEEN what i normally write on here? Did you read the poo post?]

The subjects: My friends, co-workers, people generally around who have some sort of opinion that i actually care about.

Materials: Me, humidity and the constant rain here in Calgary the past two weeks, my hair straightener. The unsolicited opinions of people in the last few weeks where i have refused to straighten my hair with all this rain.

Results: [ and im trying to remember how you are supposed to write out a science experiment... grade 9 was a really really long time ago..]

1. For the most part, females like it curly. Males, like it straight.

2. The only exceptions to the rule appears to be for asians and jews. [ now do you see why i put the disclaimer above? relax. some of my best friends are asian and refer to me as the token white girl, and are concerned that i can collectively drink them under the table. and my beloved and half the people i work with are the chosen people-- being a shiksa rocks!] Anyways, Im serious. My chinese friends are jealous that my hair is curly and think its a shame and almost an insult to those with naturally straight hair to flatten it. I think Jer likes it curly cuz then i dont look like a goy.

3. My female friends that are Greek and Italian feel my pain, and understand my daily battle to straighten and civilize my large and in charge hair. I think we should start a support group.

4. Gay friends have told me that both look "fabulous". [but they say that about most everything...although i gotta admit i love the way gay men always swoon at how great my ass looks...]

Conclusion: So thats that. Being the uber pessimist that i am, i look at it as ' i cant win either way' instead of ' i look great both ways'. Get used to it. I dont have the ability to post pictures on my blog here at work, so i cant really get the opinion of the interweb. Oh wait....none of these are that great [will that ruin the variables in the experiment? does it really matter?] but here are some pics i already had up. ED NOTE: These may not work... they look really small on my computer.

http://juicyhumps.blogspot.com/2004/09/san-pedro-belize-post-rum-drinking.html shows me with curly hair and bar dancing in belize....stupid rum drinking contest.

http://juicya.blogspot.com/2005/02/i-got-really-stoned-tonight.html shows it straight....and me kissing one of my many bongs. his name is grimace.

http://juicyhumps.blogspot.com/2004/10/calgary-halloween-and-bridesmaids.html is the spoiler: its crimped and im dressed as a bridesmaid from the 80s.

Science marches on!

Fecal Matters

Why are some people so offended by talking about poop? I really really like talking about it, but rarely get to. Jer refuses to speak with me on this topic. Its like he doesnt even want to imagine that i do it. For example, if i get up to take a dump, he asks where im going....i say 'i need to poo' and then he gets all annoyed and stuff and says that im always talking about poop. Well, being that this is my blog and he can just keep on surfing if he likes, I shall share my observations and fave anecdotes about poo with all of you.

Every morning my old roomate and myself useda discuss poop. Apparently, coffee made her poop. And not just eventualy...but like RIGHT after she had some. She could schedule her whole day almost to the minute because she knew that at a certain time, she would be pooping. So we would get up for class...make coffee...watch the countdown on Much More Music [although i dont know why, being that we really didnt like the music they played. I guess we did have fun making fun of Enrique Iglesias, the tarts in his videos, and that giant mole on his face.]... then she would poop. Afterwards, I would ask "how was your poop?". To this day, when she phones me from Toronto, thats the first thing i ask.

Personally, I never have been able to set my poo schedule. I guess the closest i had was when i was growing up. I always had to take a dump, approx. 10 minutes after eating. The reason why i say "approx." is because it coincided with when it was time to do the dishes. Like Pavlov's dog, when the dishwater started flowing...i was running to the bathroom. It was never on purpose, but my sister, to this day, doesnt believe me. I really wasnt trying to get out of doing the dishes, Lem. well...maybe just a little.

Some people dont like to poop in public. I love it. In fact, one of my missions during my undergrad was to poo in every building on campus. And i did it, too. I even pooed in the port-o-potties at the construction sites on campus. Speaking of port-o-potties [ that a stupid dumbass ex of mine used to call 'porto-lets'...like thats a fucking word. asshole.] you better believe i love crapping in those. I never did poop in all the frat houses on the U of A campus, though, because i wasnt sure what I'd have to do to get invited to one of those...and i did have some lines i wouldnt cross to meet my mission. I also enjoy pooping in airport washrooms. I really dont know why. Maybe cuz they are so clean.

My dog used to poo all the time, too. If she got off leash and ran away, eventually she would come home to poo in our yard. Or at least, when she stopped to dump [which she did every 20 minutes or so], you could catch up to her and put her leash back on.

I have never ever pooped my pants. [well at least, in my recollection. im sure it happened when i was little.] One of Jer's fave sayings is "i think im going to shit my pants". Maybe he has some bad memories or tragic stories involving poop...would explain why he refuses to talk about it. I have pooped on demand, though. Once on a Britney Spear's poster belonging to the super-ex [ i found it creepy and degrading.] and once the car of a guy i was fooling around with. Yeah. ON his car. Nice. One of my fave things to watch is from Jackass: The Movie, entitled "The Hardware Store Shit". Brilliant. Pooping on demand is a skill that few admire.

I think im done talking about poo. poop. kaka. shit. dookie. manure. crap. hee hee. Jer, if you are still around, you can re-join the conversation. Maybe we should talk about all your farting, instead.

Princess Pissy Pants

Im in a real pissy mood right now.

Not too sure why. Could be the constant rain for the last 2 weeks and the fact that i gave up the battle on keeping my hair straight. Its large and in charge...and driving me nuts. I feel like i have a cat on my head.
Could be that I'm sitting here and waiting for opposing counsel/ my client/ someone else here to call me and help me with this matter. Im literally looking forward to a shitload more work to do tonite... but need all of the above to contact me before i can actually start.

Could be that im totally PMS-ing. And there is nothing here to nosh on except rice cakes...hardly satisfying. I managed to eat 2 rolls of Mentos in the past hour, and those didnt suffice.

Im too pissy to even continue this line of thinking...that being said...

Here are some words i wish i used more: [and the sentences i have used them in today]

1. Wanker: one who masterbates ["That guy spends so much time with his hand down his pants, y'know hes gotta be a wanker", said to my friend Marzi]

2. Bonkers: crazy, nuts, loopy ["all this rain is really makin my hair go curly...its driving me bonkers", said to my assistant]

3. Assclown: uh., you'd have to meet one to know one ["my ex was always tattling on me to his mother--what an assclown", said to my co-worker Medina]

4. Schize :you know...like shit in german, prolly spelled it wrong. like i give a fuck. [" If i dont get this affidavit filed before noon, im in deep deep DEEP schize" said to the registrar at the Court of Queen's Bench clerk's office.]

Thats all i can think of now. Schize. Thinking of the other words i used today was making me bonkers... seriously. Im not lying. Stop being such an assclown. Wanker.

Not necessarily about a song by Meatloaf

I havent had a serious post in some time. Lets try one out.

I useda take active part in this website called Club Vibes... thought it was going to be about the club scene in Calgary. Really, its a bunch of inside jokes from kids who dont actually seem to know each other, but feel free to exclude newbies from the conversation, each with a more "clever" name, tagline, and avatar than the last....however, i digress...

So one day, they had a topic called 'I'd do anything for love...but i wont do that". First, it got that goddamned Meatloaf song in my head for the better part of a week [and i prolly just did it to you...sorry.] At first the posts were people saying what sexual things they wouldnt do [eeew! fisting! gross! (insert emoticon of someone puking)] but then the convo turned into 'things' that would keep you from dating someone. ie.) they dated your sister; they had facial hair; they didnt satisfy in the sack....

I guess this kinda ties into the postsecret post, but what if something i did was on someone i wanted to be with's list of non-negotiables? What if i was already dating the person when they found out? What if it was 90% of the way to love/marriage/children/picket fence/dog and it suddenly came to light?

I never did add a post to the ClubVibes convo...because i had difficulties thinking of things that i wouldnt permit. I do have a list of things that i look for when picking boyfriends [And these are things which i will try to get out of a person in the first 15 minutes of a date. I useda be a litigator... im very good on cross-examination. ]:

1. No cats. [im not a cat-person.]
2. Knows their way around a comic book store/Star Wars movie/ epidsode of Star Trek TNG [i like geeks, what can i say?]
3. Isnt opposed to drinking/drugs [Ive dated sober people. it sucked.]
4. Had a somewhat 'happy' childhood [ie. doesnt look back on it with too much scorn]
5. Has a goofy/immature side which makes them like video games, slurpees, and sees the humor in poo poo jokes.
6. Naturally, likes to hump.

But is there anything i wouldnt accept? [other than the obvious no sexual assault/murder/hand gun charges] Lets see
1. owns a cat [see above]
2. has horrible right wing fundamentalist politics-- no abortion, gay marriage, social safety net...but we should bring back the death penalty.
3. when i useda internet date [see posts from Nov to Feb for evidence], i wouldnt date guys with an ad in the "intimate encounters" area...basically these are creeps who just want to show up at your house and fuck and leave. Think prostitution-- without the payment at the end.
4. fucks strippers or whores.

Now, though, what do i do if i find one of those things on the list in someone im with? Are they really non-negotiable? Does it matter that it happened a long time ago, and they've changed? Then again, fuck, id never forgive myself if i dated someone who useda have a cat... oh wait, i forgot the most important one...

5. likes Meatloaf and his musical career.

Shhh! Dont tell nobody!

Sorry about not writing for a while. I've been uber busy at work and, thusly, havent been up to much of anything that is exciting.

Prolly the most exciting thing is that im finally going to send in my secret to www.postsecret.blogspot.com If you havent been there, Go! Its bloody brilliant. You send in postcard with a secret you have never told anyone on it and, if its creative/dark/dirty enough they will put it on the site.

Obviously im not telling what mine says-- that would defeat the purpose of it being a "secret". And i cant really let you know if it makes it on there, either. oh well, maybe you'll figure it out.

Some pics of the shite in Juicy's world

As promised...

Lets start with my work environment.

Here is the "scenic" view from my office: Walmart in all its glory.

this is where i work. pretty exciting, huh? dont YOU wish you were a divorce lawyer? 

this is the banana cream pie baking in the oven. yes. its lumpy. 

And because y'all know that i looove Wookiees...and that i love my car, here's a pic of
Chewie and Tarfull getting a ride in Obi-Wan Volknobi



I also updated my profile pic... its still an older picture...but i really like it. Its actually a self portrait i took mere minutes before me and Jer's first date. Thats me telling myself "oh juicy, you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind"...and i blew his mind that night too. Hee hee. Yeah, just his mind,thats right. Hee hee.

Whoa im stoned right now.

Here's something funny that i just noticed: My phone says "Do not Distrub" instead of "Disturb". Hee hee. Things like that make me laugh.

Ok. Im going back to work. Just dont try to distrub me again.

Juicy sorta reviews a movie: Its all gone Pete Tong

First of all, I really planned to put up some pictures today. Its been awhile since i let you into the visual and not just written world of juicy a. Especially cuz i made a pie the other day, and I like to put up pictures of things that i bake/cook that take skill. [said in Napoleon Dynamite's voice, naturally] I dunno why. I originally started baking all the fancy shmancy things to impress Jer...to show him im more than a hot assed shiksa with a killer wit and rockin moves in bed. So, yeah, I need to post the pic of the banana cream pie i made Tuesday. I also want to put up some pics of my office being that I spend so much time here and yet no one has actually seen it.

However, i digress... I saw a really sweet movie yesterday. And by sweet i mean Totally Fuckin Awesome. [<-- note capitalized, even.] Its called 'Its all Gone Pete Tong' and is a mockumentary about a fake DJ who goes deaf, goes crazy, and then triumphantly returns to the DJ world. The movie is in limited release, but had its big Calgary Premiere yesterday becuz the director and half the actors are from here. The best parts about it were that the setting is Ibiza, Spain, and if you are a reformed rave girl like myself, you know that that is techno's version of Valhalla. Also, gotta love a movie that understands drug paranoia: when ever the main character Frankie does cocaine [and he does tons] a giant badger in a tutu shows up and starts speaking to him in a funny voice. At one point, we see the badger shovelling coke on Frankie's face-- looks like a good way to spend a weekend to me. I cant say Ive ever seen a large badger when on blow, but ive been pretty close a few times....i usually just trip or have to walk around imaginary boxes on the floor that no one else seems to see except me.

Bottom line: go see the movie if/when it comes to your little theatre. And check your video store for Fubar, the other movie by the same director. I know a bunch of the guys who were in that film thru Jer.

Ok, its Friday... so that means i have 8 hours until le weekend where i can wear flip flops and put my metal tongue ring in. Woot. Better try to bill some hours. Gotta pay for that coke somehow. [hee hee] And my pie skills arent nearly enough.

A visit to Juliet's Castle: another of life's little pilgrimages

I dont know if its a me thing [it likely could be] but I remember places that I wanted to visit when i was a kid... and get kinda excited now when/if I actually visit there. Im not talking about Stonehenge, or Paris, or even Texas [all of which i have been to now, thank you] but like gas stations on the side of the highway, or weird looking houses, or places with funny names. We would always drive by and i'd think "whoa. i want to eat/visit/ go pee there some day!".

Well, yesterday I knocked another one of those weird/odd/funny named places off my list: Juliet's Castle. Located along the Trans-Canada Highway, its this little dive-y restaurant with a big purple sign done up in script with the name of the restaurant and with hand painted signage on the windows citing "20 cent Wings!" and "Bar Steak Only 5.95!" [what, pray tell is "bar steak"?!?!]. And I always would wonder when we drove past it, usually on the road to Banff or Radium Hot Springs, if it was as cool inside as the name suggested-- i thought of paintings of medieval knights and ladies... people dressed as serving wenches... lords drinking out of copper mugs.

Hmmm. Not so much. More like loud ethnic peoples [both of asian and eastern european dialect] eating hamburgers, faded posters of Budweiser girls on the wall dressed not in gossamer gowns, but in daisy dukes and tube tops, and well, I guess you could say that the waitress was as close to a 'wench' as possible. Then just factor in a dozen VLTs, a Golden Tee and Buck Hunter game, and a horrible stale cigarette smell. I mean, I've been to Verona. Ive seen where Juliet Capulet supposedly lived-- and this aint it. Then again, I dont think that I woulda gotten such good chicken wings [mmm...chicken] and been able to sing kareoke at the original Juliet's Castle. [I sang Bif Naked's 'I love myself today' BTW... totally rocked it too. I may not be a good singer, but hot damn! I have stage presence.]

So another of my life's little pilgrimages has been completed. I have been to Juliet's Castle. I have eaten its chicken, drank its beer, and seranaded its patrons. And truly, in retrospect, its all i coulda dreamt of and more from when i was a kid sitting in the backseat of the parent's car.

Side note: Jer, who i usually do not write about directly any more [cuz i dont think its fair for me to talk about him without him knowing] would like me to mention that he has "glistening and shining thighs and calf muscles". I told him about how people are actually reading my blog now--and he asked if i had written that he has powerful legs that glisten. I said no, but promised that i would bring it up. 'Nuff Said.

Punch-outs and Jack-offs

So I've really been lazy when its come to the old KB lately [thats kickboxing for all you newbies]. I useda go 3 0r 4 times a week and was getting pretty tough...and even fairly buff. You coulda used my stomach for a cutting board. However, its easy to work out every day when you have no job and really nothing much else to do, save for masterbating [and how!] and watching Dr. Phil. Yesterday, despite being uber busy at work, I decided that i was going to make it to KB. [and yes I left early enough to squeeze in a little jacking off, too.]

Wow. Am i ever out of shape already. I mean, I kept up with the rest of the class, i wasnt even huffing and puffing....but i useda be the superstar of the group. They once asked me to start competing, even. Now, it looks like it wont happen.

A highlight [or maybe lowlight...] of the class was when we were sparring. I have fairly long arms and legs so i can really stand far away from my partner/opponent when Im jabbing and doing crescent/front kicks....which is why I take my opponent so off guard when i throw a left hook or a body dig up close. Yesterday, I totally surprised the other chick. Surprised? Is that the right word? No, I think i mean injured. Yeah, I totally injured the other chick. I threw a right body dig into her abdomen and successfully winded her. She fell back and started gasping. Ding! Ding! Ding! Your winner by knock-out... Million Dollar Juicy.

At first i was a little in awe of my strength and skill....until the instructor said she had only been doing KB for about 2 weeks and this was the first time she sparred. So Im just a bully. For the rest of the class [and yes, my opponent was ok. She just got up and walked around for a bit and was fine after 10 min.], I was referred to as "the brawler". Apparently people normally dont get so violent and worked up when they are just supposed to be practicing. I said "Hey, you think I was worked up here? You shoulda seen me when i was masterbating!".