Holla- Ween!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!








Something wicked this way comes....

hooray for

Ferrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnaaaaaaannnndooooo!

Yippeee! He musta heard my cheering! The scoring drought is over!

ps I likr vodka. And the oilers.

I think I just got growled at

Not even kidding.

People have been really crabby and irritable lately around here. I got yelled at by 3 different people yesterday on the phone. A man at Digit's class refused to talk to me when i asked him about his dog (the dog was super cute and friendly and was lunging at me wagging her little stump tail--shes a little Boston Terrier named Cricket-- maybe she was so happy because I was talking to her in a happy voice and not being an old scowly jerk.) This morning I had to stand in a line up for filing at Court and pretty much all everyone around me did was bitch, bitch, bitch. And then five minutes ago I was growled at.

Let me re-create the scene. (Remember? Im an Actooor now)

OFFICE OF JUICY. 1245 PM. OUTSIDE IS COLD AND DRIZZLY. JUICY IS READING HER PHONE MESSAGES BY THE FRONT COUNTER. A WOMAN, APPROX. AGE OF 45-55 WALKS IN TO THE OFFICE. JUICY LOOKS UP WHEN THE WOMAN ENTERS AND SMILES.

Juicy: Hi, there

Woman: Are you the lawyer around here?

J: Depends what you are looking for. What is it regarding?

W: I need this document filed. [[HOLDS UP PIECE OF LOOSELEAF PAPER]

JUICY, SENSING IT IS SOMETHING SHE DOESNT WANT TO HELP THIS PERSON WITH, TAKES IT FROM HER AND READS IT. ITS SAYS STATEMENT OF CLAIM ON THE TOP...AND THEN HAS 5 LINES WHERE A BUNCH OF AMOUNTS ARE WRITTEN DOWN AND TOTALLED.

J: Is this an injury claim? Cause if it is...

W:...No! Its not an injury claim! Its the money I want from my neighbour! Are you a lawyer? Because it needs to be filed! Now! today!

J: Oh OOOOOkay. We dont file documents here. Thats at the Courthouse.

W: I know that! I know what a courthouse is. I need you to tell me if its right and then file it.

J: Ok. You'll need to make an appointment, Let me see what is in [Partner #1] schedule...

W:GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOWL
(and yes. thats exactly how it sounded)

j; Im sorry?

W: Im not making an appointment. GRRRRRRROWL. This is pointless.

WOMAN RIPS PAGE OUT OF JUICY'S HAND AND LEAVES OFFICE. JUICY STANDS THERE DUMBFOUNDED AND WONDERS IF ITS 5PM YET AND SHE CAN GO HOME

Yeah.

In other news, I found something to wear for Halloween this year. Its fucking awesome. I was inspired by my new ringtone on my new cell phone. I also got a new cell phone. Its a blackberry and pure awesome unconcentrated.

Halloween HNT (sorta)

Okay, this week's theme came up on me by surprise. So I looked thru my pics here on my computer and found the following as options for Halloween costumes...

Costume #1: Deer

1. Get high in the wilderness
2. Put hands on head as 'antlers'
3. Prance



Costume #2: Chuck Norris

1. Get drunk at home
2. Think about how awesome you are
3. Roundhouse kick anyone who disagrees
(Note: Pants are optional)



Costume #3: Hooters Girl

1. Have friend lend you a hooters tanktop as a joke
2. Actually wear it in public
3. Have people use you as an object ( Here: I am a bottle holder)



Feel free to use any ideas for yourself!

For some actually decent costume folk, go see Osbasso!

Why Sunday isnt Friday

Ive been delinquent lately. Its almost been a week. I suck, its true.

Part of the reason [besides being lazy and boring] is that I decided to go on a Class 1 drinking binge on Sunday evening/night. With 'Sunday is the New Friday!' as my battle cry, I managed to bob and weave thru various bars in Calgary, stopping only to sing some heavy metal kareoke, eat some oysters, or watch a band.

Now, lemme tell you why Sunday ISNT the new friday. After drinking heavily -- including getting it in my pea brain that shots of jack daniels is a good idea-- I went home...passed out...and then awoke at 500 am and began projectile vomiting. I was so drunk i couldnt even drunk blog. I think i contemplated it, but it didnt seem like a good idea when i couldnt feel my fingers. Or my face. Or much of anything.

What made all this worse, is that i had to go to court on Monday morning at 930. I managed to stop puking long enough to do it...but puked twice at the office when picking up the file and 4 times in my car on the way home. Niiiiiice.

And now: The pictures



A Manhattan-- which is basically booze mixed with more booze, and then booze added with a garnish. Its also what i tasted every time i threw up over the next day.



Meanwhile, Jer drank a fruity, peachy, malibu infused girlie drink..in a Tiki cup. Wheres the umbrella? And ,no, he didnt get sick at all.



I think im yelling... or maybe roaring. I dunno. Maybe its when i was getting ready to sing that song by RATT at the heavy metal kareoke.



I took 20 self portraits of me yelling...and approx. another 10 of me making this kissy face.

Half Nekkid on a Thursday afternoon

This is actually a real true HNT pick... i took it on a Thursday. I think it was actually the lower half of this picture.

Despite what it was for, a girl can never go wrong with a 'beater and leopard print undies...

Go see some other action at Os' site. Hooray for HNT!

Alls fair in love and Turkey Soup.

It snowed today. Fuckin hell. And not a happy little skiff of snow either...a friggin sloppy mucky blobby dumping of snow. Like mashed potatoes all over your car. My response to the weather was to dress like a Russian raver eskimo-- giant fur hat, fur hood, green wooly scarf, big silver rave shoes. Awesome. I actually wore that at work until about 20 minutes ago.

I have decided to not bitch about the weather anymore. Im not an old guy in a small town restaurant drinking bottomless cups of coffee. I have many many other things to talk/bitch about.

I did absolutely fuck all this weekend. The highlight was making soup. I wish i was kidding. Im not. Turkey soup-- its how the real party people rock out. Maybe I lied. I should go back to talking about the weather.

It must be getting close to Christmas cuz i have the urge to make gingerbread cookies. C'mon, think about it. Doesnt a nice warm gingerbread cookie with icing on it sound good right now?

Partly because i have already spoken about everything i had to talk about [snow? check. old guys? check. gingerbread? check. Turkey soup? Yippee yahoo! Wheeeee! check.] and also because i have a client here, Im going to end this post by stealing something from Itchy. I will even quote her:

All you gotta do is fill in the blanks. And like (Itchy) said "...be honest. I can take it. Really."

I ____ Juicy.
Juicy is ____.
Juicy thinks a lot about _______.
When I think of _________, I think of Juicy.
If I were alone in a room with Juicy, I would _______.
I think Juicy should _____.
Juicy needs ______.
I want to ____________ Juicy.
If I could describe Juicy in a word: _______.

So, just fill in the blanks in the comments section. If I like your answers, maybe ill act them out or something. Actually, maybe ill chose one answer from each person who fills it in and somehow act it/do it/buy it etc. Huh. That sounds pretty exciting...but not as exciting as..... (get ready for it)

(its coming)

TURRRRKEEEEY SOOOOOUP!

PMS induced mindless moodswing babble

I received some nasty emails/ publicity about my last post-- which i always find amusing. So maybe I should just do a little caveat about how i dont really hate all stupid people, i dont think that i am without fault, i dont claim to be perfect, I understand that not everyone has had the benefit of a university education....blah...blah..blah. Whatever. I put up with a lot of people who dont understand things and need my help etc...i aint trashin those people... in fact i know that its part of my job. Im talking about one really person. So lay off, okay?

[Note: The hate mail was less than my tirade against Irina [remember her?]...but slightly more than my jesus-on-a-dog's ass]

Im in a weird mood today. I blame the PMS and cramps. Its one of those days where i really wish that i was an unemployed junkie so i could just lay around all day and not pretend to be busy. Ive also noticed that around the 'time of the month' I also want to go shopping...but then get upset because im bloated and dont look good in things. I also hate my hair....but Ive hated that for a while, so its no big deal. I just dont think i should do anything about it until i cease being a furious hormonal tempest of rage/apathy/sadness.

I bet all my male readers loved that last paragraph. Snort!

Did you know i was a snorter when i laugh? I am. Its embarassing and seems to increase substantially with drug usuage. If I made a graph it would look like this:


Except the horozontal or 'x' axis [are you impressed i remember that? me too] would read DRUG USE and the 'y' axis would be SNORTING and the title wouldnt be about War Veterans but 'Juicy's Snorting as Affected by Drug Use'.

I cant believe this week isnt over yet. Its 1100 am and i want to go home. Now. I think ill go for a 2 hour lunch. Remember how cool it was when you were a kid if someone asked you what your fave subject in school was and you said 'Lunch' or 'Recess'. Yeah, I still always said 'English'. Huh.

Ok im all over the board today. I could just keep babbling all day. I think you can almost follow my mood swing along with me in your book [post, actually]. I started angry, then got goofy, then hungry, then wistful.

Possibly the stupidest person in the world just came into my office.

She was prolly 70 years old, but I usually wont let someone being elderly as a complete excuse for them being dumb.

This woman has been in before. She didnt understand the 'language' on a form for her life insurance and wanted me to explain it to her. So i read the document which, basically, said in plain english 'if you want to end your policy, please fill in the form provided and mail it to us. I read this out loud to her and she said she understood. Form. Fill it in. Mail it. Done.

Three months later she comes in again. Now she has the form from the company....but still doesnt understand it. She doesnt know what shes supposed to do. The letter with the form read as follows [almost verbatim]

Dear Ms. Stupidhead

Please sign the form provided and return it to us by mail in the envelope provided. We have indicated where you are to sign with an arrow. Thank you

The form was one page. On the bottom, there was a line with her name written under it and a HUGE yellow stickie next to it reading SIGN HERE. The line was also highlighted green.

She asks me. What am supposed to do? It doesnt make any sense to me.

I say 'Sign where your name is'

'I dont understand. Cant you do it for me?'

'No' [ taking a pen off my desk putting it in her hand and putting pen on the line] Just sign here'.

'Sign what?'

'Your name'

'Where?'

'On the line. Its green. And has an arrow' [pointing at the line]

'But what am I supposed to do with it?'

'SIGN. YOUR. NAME' [she does it...finally]

'But now what do i do? How will they get this?'

'Mail it.' [pointing to line on the letter which says to mail it] 'And in this envelope' [pointing to envelope].

'Can you write that down for me so i can remember?'

'Its already written here' [taking out yellow highlighter and higlighting letter]

'But I dont understand what that letter means!'

...

Well, I could go on... but honestly, I really just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and then punch her right in the gob. But I didnt. I wrote down the directions for how to mail a letter on a piece of paper. It was really sarcastic, but I think she thought i was being very descriptive. I actually wrote 'Moisten edge of envelope. You may want to use a sponge'

Chuck Norris, Fat people and poop

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

So I survived turkey day and the merriment which surrounded it. I bought the lazy person turkey-- pre stuffed, pre prepped, throw it in the oven still frozen, seven hours later... turkey perfection. The pie was also super good. I still think i should quit my day job and just make pies for a living. Good times. Good times.

I almost didnt survive dinner last night, though. Jer and I went to a chinese restaurant with an 'all you can eat' Hot Pot. To some people its a meal, to us its an experience. We havent learned from past meals where we over order and then literally get run out of the place. Even though we had noooo idea of the serving sizes, we ordered 2-4 servings of each meat and veggie. Sadly, each serving was 4 pieces. We ate so much i literally thought i was about to die. Then this morning I had possibly the worst gas and indigestion ever. (Why am I telling you this? Because its my fuckin blog and I think this type of shit is plain funny. )


Anyways Im buying him this from TLC: The all-you-can-eat buffet is not a
challenge.

I decided this morning, which was cold and dreary, that i am buying a remote car starter today. Fuck this shit. Im not going out and warming my car every morning like a chump. Thats what robots are for.

I have no motivation today. I just feel like ranting and pooping.

Tuuuuurkey Time...

And Im feelin fine!

Its Canadian Thanksgiving...which in Canada we just call 'Thanksgiving'.

Im making a turkey. Well, actually im just cooking it. It came made already. I did make a pie. That I DID have to make myself. There will also be yams, roast veggies, and some thing else. I dont recall what.

Did i mention how high i am?

yeeeeaaah dude.

Theres the packers game on. Sweet. I think i am going to write a play about thansksgiving and make my friends act it out. About pilgrims and natives and laura secord and her cow saving canada from the USA. Not her cow that saved canada, she did. She just had a cow. HAha. Dont have a cow laura secord.

I can already smell the turkey. mmmm 4.5 more hours.

I think im going to make arts and craft decorations. Like hand turkeys. [Jer doesnt knpw what those are]

later

HNT: Its boobie time again!

As I did last year, I submitted the above picture to Boobiethon-- a site where guys and gals send in pictures of their mammaries and, for a donation, people can view some topless shots and give to a worthwhile cause.

Nudity AND charity at once? Sign me up!

Go see boobiethon here

Go see some other action at Os' site here

p.s. maybe i sent in a topless shot... guess you'll have to make a donation to find out

Hey Asshole!

If you are the owner operator of the above truck, this post is for you.

First, let it be known that I hate you. Not only for the harm you do to the environment by driving a GIANT truck. Not only because you are likely someone who lives 5 blocks from work, yet you need to drive this huge gas guzzler. Ever heard of walking asshole? Its great...except when you are enveloped in exhaust fumes while trying to get fresh air because some lazy fucking yuppie who has likely never been to a farm, yet needs a truck that could drag a barn is fucking up the atmosphere with all his gas burning.

I also hate you because this insane, behemoth of a tank you call your 'car' takes up 1.5 parking spaces in an area of the city where parking is at a premium. A place where i have to go 3 or 4 days of the week to go to court. So i need to spend MORE time trying to find a spot to park because you think you need 2. And do you pay for 2, I fucking doubt it.

The main reason I hate you? Today, while I was at court, you couldnt find 2 open parking spots....so instead you parked right against my car. RIGHT fucking against it. The door handles of your truck were pressed against my side window. Luckily for me, fuckwad, I was able to squeeze in thru my other door.

If i ever see your stupid house of a vehicle, I will kick it. Hard. And I am going to this site and getting stickers for you.

Thanks for ruining the environment and generally being a stupid fuck,

Juicy

'Dickfarm'

Im in a bit better of a mood today. Sure last night I was stood up to go to a rock show and have no one to go to the Oilers game with this Saturday...but well, I dunno. I guess Im not as pissed as yesterday.

Last night, while sitting in the bathtub, I decided something. Im approaching 30-- and it sucks...but Im not going into 30 with a whimper, im going into 30 with a bang. However, I havent realised what that means just yet. Will keep you posted.

What brought on the doom and gloom about 30-- and the subsequent 'fuck that melancholy '-- was I was thinking about Jackass. Ya see, Ive been thinking a lot about Jackass. I saw it on Saturday and every 20 minutes or so since then, I will erupt into laughter thinking about it. While in Court yesterday morning I had to stifle a giggle because the phrase 'dickfarm on my ass' popped into my head. [and with typing that, I just spend 10 minutes laughing til tears came from my eyes]

Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh right. 30. So I was thinking about how those guys are all over 30-- and they are still stupid. Thats pretty cool. So instead of being the pathetic '30 year old on a BMX (roll eyes)' ... I will be 'holy crap, shes 30 and on a BMX (exclamation point)'.

Haha. Seriously. Go see Jackass 2. Fuck. You know how they have the warning at the beginning and end of the show? Yeah, thats for people like me who, after seeing the movie, have an urge to run into street signs full speed, take shopping carts down dangerous hills, and see how far I can jump my bike off a building. Oh, and I wont stop talking about shit. I was very happy to see more dookie humour in this film when my fave skits in the first movie all involved poop.

This has nothing to do with the rest of the post, I just thought it was really cool. Its a Mario Wedding cake.



(Note: I just posted this...came back to the site. Read the post title and began giggling like an idiot again)

grumble grumble

Man am i in a pissy mood today. And now let me tell you why:

I get crabby when im really tired.

Im extremely tired because 'someone' who took the day off work to celebrate Yom Kippur decided to go drinking last night after his hockey game and came home at 5 in the fucking morning. So I went from being worried as to why he wasnt home on a Sunday night 2 hours after the bars close...to being infuriated when he waltzed into bed and said that 'oh, i shouldnt worry, dont I KNOW who he is?' Fucking idiot. And then, instead of letting me fall back asleep, continued talking to 'charm' me. GGGGRRRR!

Its also fucking cold outside today and, for some unknown reason, all weekend the air conditioning was on at the office. Its so cold my ass is almost freezing to the chair.

Fuck. Another client is here. Its time for another client. Im also super fucking busy and all i want to do is lay in bed with the blankie over my head for the rest of the day.