February 28-- Happy Post

Guess who has a birthday today?






Its also my nephew James' birthday too... but I dont have any embarrassing pictures of him...on here...

February 28-- Angry Post.

Im doing 2 posts today-- one is the happy and the other one is not so much. This is the 'not so much'once.

Hockey Strategy. Thats the reason they gave for trading the highest scoring, best player who was an obvious fan favourite for 2 guys who arent even playing in the NHL. Nothing is worse than when you realise that the owners/management of the team you love so much has pretty much given up on them for the season. Thrown in the fucking towel. Someday we'll have developed good players. Fuck today and the fact that we made it to the fucking Stanley Cup final last year. Lets get rid of the good players for more mediocre ones and hopefully start from scratch again. Yeah-- for what? So in 5 years they can be traded away again for nothing? GRR!

However, I still cant hate my oilers. I didnt want to watch the Messier ceremony last night after all the shit went down....but i had to. The moose represents the Oilers i loved back in the day. Its like they totally made me hate the game,NHL, and the Oil at 135...but by 7pm they had be back.

While im in the ranting mood, I really am pissed at a bunch of lawyers right now too. This one lawyer has successfully caused my client to lose his house he was buying because she ignored my 3 faxes and 42 phone calls and didnt have her client sign some documents. Another lawyer served me with documents for court tomorrow. My client is out of the country and i cant get directions.

And its snowing.

Happy Messier Day!

( if you dont know what that is... well, you suck. admit that...then go here.)

I had fun playing hooky last week, however, now I have returned to the office to see that everything has gone completely shit and every file i have has somehow gone sideways. Hooray.

So in Banff we went to this Fondue joint...which was fucking amazing. When we ran out of fruit in our chocolate fondue, me and Jer just decided to drink the leftover chocolate...about 10 seconds after we finished it, our waiter came in and asked if we needed more fruit. Ooops. Oh well, sometimes its fun to be a savage.

The main reason we go to Banff is to hit the outdoor hottub at this hotel. (and for vacation sex, too.)
Fuck im hot. Paris motherfucking hilton of the Rockies, baby.

I cant remember what else i have to post about. Since I began this, I have had to stop and work 5 or 6 times. Instead, go here and see the guy who played Ricky on Better off Dead re-enact a scene between a dude and his 6 year old son. (ps. Better off dead? Best.Movie.Fucking.Ever.)

Ooh, wait. I was going to post about the NHL Trade deadline. The Oilers need a Defenceman and to keep Ryan Smyth. If you are a NHL GM and reading this, Ill trade you a D-man for 7 minutes in heaven with yours truly. Just look at the picture above... Im worth it Mr. GM sir!

Everything is Automatic

its been a few days, eh?

ive been at a course on how to be a less litigious/more collaborative lawyer. fun shit dude

and now, its saturday and im super wasted on sake and redbull/vodka and cheering for the LA kings to beat the colorado avelanche and ze sharks to kick ze flames' ass so the sweet sweet baby oilers can make the playoffs. [ or at least be closer into the 8th playoff spot]

i played hooky on thurs from work an went to Banff and played-- sadly i was caught. i had a buhch of files go frickin mideaval on thurs and my assistant [who knew i was playin hooky] call me and tell my partners that she needed to find me. fuck.

i made eva some pajamas. yah, i made my dog clothes-- do you have a problem with it?

The War begins today

Im thinking of doing another theme month featuring all my funny t-shirts. I dont have that tshirt above, but Im thinking i may get it. Its pretty fucking funny. Ive also been thinking of getting this one too.

So today, February 20 2007 it started again. Causing me to be in an evil pissy mood and make me hate my life even more. It happens earlier every year, and doesnt have the decency to stop early. Its gotta stop or I will kill again.

Im talking about the birds chirping at FUCKING 5:00AM IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

Every year i have to deal with this shit. Its the worst thing in the world to have to wake up to. High pitching squeaking and squawking. And its non stop now until late November.

As long as I can remember I have HATED birds for this reason. I dont know if other people hate it as much as me and say nothing or if Im just really sensitive to the sound. And it hasnt mattered where Ive lived-- they have found me. Those fucking loud beaked little assholes. Oh look at us, we are tiny and cute and love to wake up to the sunrise and be FUCKING LOUD.

This year, Im not putting up with it. This year, I will win the war of the birds and they will leave and get fucked.

Grr.

On a happier note, its a short work week for me this week. More so than other people, too. Try and ruin that, birds.

Asshole pills: Cheap and Direct!

I think someone has been selling mail order asshole pills to the people of Calgary. Its like everyone has been in an absolute pissy mood-- except for me. I was super chipper yesterday morning...and i am still somewhat in a good mood...but its like everyone is trying to wear me down and make me crabby too.

Its beeen people calling me just basically to yell at me. One client just called and attempted to shit on my head because his wife wont sign some documents for him. I told him to shutthefuckup and stop bitching at me and my staff-- or he'll find himself with a wife who wont sign over the home AND no lawyer to help him out.

Even Eva was being an asshole yesterday-- running around outside and barking. I had never heard her bark before so I had no idea what that weird high pitched sound was...until I realised that the Digit was staring at the general direction she was running in and was giving her a dirty look. Ten minutes after that, she jumped up and punched me in the eye. Its not too swollen, but it frickin hurts.

So its a long weekend here in Alberta-- and Im basically watching the clock until its time to go.

I made this while someone was telling me their life story on the phone:



( yes thats a pic of me and Jer behind G and P-- they are on my computer at work)

What I got for Valentines day...

(Thats Eva lookin' shady.)

Yeah, I take it back. Jer rules.

Mmm Salty

Happy VD to all those who celebrate it... and happy wednesday to all that dont.

Today I did end up in Court and found it hilarious that there were 5 ex parte Restraining order applications this morning. Ahhh. Nothing like true love.

Then I got stuck behind a funeral procession on the way back to work. Truly today is a day for love...

Heartbreakin shit

Ps. Its still snowing. It has been for 4 days straight. Urgh.

I usually dont drag my own personal domestic squabbles onto the old blog o rama, but sometimes i need to vent. You dont need to read this if you dont want... ill be more amusing in a few paragraphs... And this venting begins.....NOW.

As you are likely aware, I am fostersitting a greyhound named Eva. Shes very sweet, but still a dumb puppy at times ( especially at 4 in the morning when she wants to play/be let outside). I know that she isnt mine, but its also a pretty well known fact that i want to keep her. Last week i asked 'someone' the probability of us keeping her, and he told me, with a smile, hed give me his final answer this weekend. In all honesty, I believed that he would say yes...so i allowed myself to get more attached to her...if i thought he would say no i wouldnt had let myself get attached...just to hear from him on Saturday that his answer is a resounding 'no'. Not only that, but he told it to me in a fucking hockey analogy, comparing poor little homeless Eva to a player on the Flames who is on the home team and only gets to play in the NHL occasionally. (yeah, its a pretty bad analogy to begin with, let alone pretty heartless) And when i got mad, he actually blamed his reasoning on The Digit and that how he doesnt want her there. Jerkass, hes a dog. Hes just happy if he gets his food on time. Im pretty pissed about this. And sad cuz I really lurve the little roohound and wanted to keep her.

Okay. Done.

My practice pretty much dies down this time of year. I know its funny, but for some reason no one wants to talk to their divorce lawyer around valentines day. I actually had court scheduled for the 14th and a client asked if there was any way we could change it...because she didnt want to see her ex on Vday.

When I called the other counsel to switch it...he said that actually his client had requested the same from him. Im not too worried about not being busy, because Spring Break/ Easter break are coming up and everyone loves to fight over the kids for holidays. The other lawyer actually suggested we (meaning the family bar) all go drinking on Wednesday cuz we wont be working.

I didnt watch the Grammys yesterday. This shouldnt surprise anyone.

Im tired of the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith. Its really not that exciting... but how did they a get a picture of my fridge on the internet!?



The only thing better than chocolate pudding and mushrooms? Methadone and SlimFasT!

Shrooms: The diet supplement

Since Ive been doing the old diet/exercise/food monitoring shit over the last 6 weeks [ ps. Ive lost 6 llbs. woot.] Ive been increasing the protein that i eat and reducing the carbs. [ yeah-- i know i should be eliminating the carbs, but fuck it. life is too short to worry about 4g of carbs in my granola bar...] Anyhoo, i keep eating this protein shit powder. Ive switched between whey and veggie protein...but it doesnt matter. This stuff is digusting.

Today, while i tried to bury some of the chalky powdered hell into my yogurt, i thought of something. This is EXACTLY what i do when i take magic mushrooms.

I stuff it in twinkies, mix it in tomato or orange juice, hide it in pudding and yogurt. And you have to do it, because despite the obvious benefits, it tastes fucking horrible and you cant just chow it down or add it to water without gagging.

So here is my conspiracy theory [ ever notice i have these usually on Fridays when avoiding work?].... mushrooms, especially the psiylocibin kind, are good vegetable protein. Im doing myself a favour by consuming them and not horrible carb ridden drugs like uh, cocaine ( blow is so tasty-- theres gotta be carbs in there somewhere).

So magic mushrooms, you have Juicy's seal of approval for being good healthy shit!



Dont you wanna get shrooms now too? Theyre good for you! Just dont forget the chocolate pudding!

HNT: Staying in the mood

Its snowing. Its cold. The roads are covered in ice.

And Im wearing these shoes today-- why? Because Im just that kinky.

Haha! For other kinky lil bastards go see Os

Heads Down. Thumbs up.

Do you remember when there were snow days at school...or better yet, days when only like 10 people showed up to class... and then you got to play games all day at school? Yeah, that rocked. I was super sneaky playing 7-up... I would never pick people who were my close friends...and then i would make eye contact with someone who I hadnt picked...yeah man. I rocked it. [ note: if you have NO FRIGGIN CLUE what I am talking about... then you havent played 7-up and i feel sorry for you. Luckily Wikipedia has a post on it...cuz i aint in the mood to EXPLAIN it, just PLAY it]

Ive been trying to get people here at work to either let me go home because of the neverending snow...or at least just cancel all my appointments so we can play all day. No one wants to work or concentrate. Its totally a sit around in PJs and drink hot chocolate laced with Baileys kinda day. Not sit and try to care about people's lives. However, for some reason, the snow seems to have triggered an asshole switch in most people's heads. So this is my day: I have no concentration and want to go home, and people are calling me and yelling. Makes for a fucking jolly sort of time.

I have the theme song for the 'King of Cars' show in my head. Fuck that show makes me laugh. I dont know why people would buy a $100,000 car from a dude dressed in a blue genie outfit...yet, at the same time, i can totally see myself doing it.

I bet the Blue Genie would like to play 7-up. But hed never guess it was me.

Treat your mama right...

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Dang. I wish I could put 'Mr. T back up dancer/singer' on my resume...

The Superbowl Post

So I watched the football yesterday. Like everyone else on the planet.

I was cheering for Da Bears for no real reason except the Colts beat the Patriots...so I was mildly dissappointed when they lost. Meh. Another Superbowl without the Bills is all i think. (I originally was going to cheer for the Colts cuz I like horses and i am irrationally afraid of bears...but this reason seemed even more random than the reason above.)

I know that a lot of people like the Superbowl because of the commercials-- well, unfortunately i didnt get to see any uber cool multimillion costing adverts. Nope. I got to see the stupid commercials picked out by Global, the Canadian channel which picked up the feed. No K-Fed, no Clydesdales, No mildly sexist and insulting beer commercials. Nope. Just fucking excitement about 'Deal or No Deal Canada' which was being shown right after the football... and I mean RIGHT after. We barely got to see any Joy of Victory/Agony of Defeat B.S.... just oh heres the winner.... and now Howie Fucking Mandel and his weird alien bald head. Ug.

Now that im talking about commercials, why is Jessica Simpson hawking both Pizza Hut cheese explosion type crust thingies...AND proActive skin clearing systems? Does anyone else see the irony in this? Eat this greasy shit... OR have beautiful skin like me now, although I used to be a real pizza face. Oh, haha. I just answered my own question. Anyhoo, I also find it funny that she tries to seem like the girl next door 'im just like you' kinda girl when selling face wash....and like a stripper who wants to fuck your 12 year old son in the other. Maybe Ive spent too much time thinking about this.

So overall this my take on the superbowl:

-Sorry Bears. (Although you are named after a scary animal)

- No good commercials. Howie Mandel scares small children.

-I dont like either version of Jessica Simpson. Lets never mention her again.

Shiny Juicy People

Haha. I think i need to put this on my cards or something.

Although my latest posts might not show it, but Ive actually been in a pretty damn good mood lately. Maybe because my house is filled with the sights and smells of greyhound heaven. Maybe cuz I made a really really big bonus for January. Maybe Im just happy. Fuck, I dunno.

But what Ive realised is that when im generally happy, I seem to occasionally explode into these Dennis Leary-esque rants now and then over the most random and weird things. They're just like a 2 minute concentrated explosion to release some steam...and then i go back to being happy. So far these are things Ive exploded about:

- The movie Legends of the Fall. I saw a preview for it last night and totally freaked out about what an utter and complete load of shit it is....and how Brad Pitt isnt even that goodlooking in it. ( I mean, as bad as that guy can look)

-The Canucks. I went into a 30-45 second tirade about how much i hate them during the game last night. Then I was actually pretty calm about them for the rest of the game. I actually didnt yell or scream or get pissed at all ( and yes, we lost too)

-The crud inside my toothpaste tube. Whats the fucking deal with it?

-The rant i had about the professor and his anti-blog book yesterday.

Even now, usually when i type out things that make me angry, I get mad again. Nope. Not this time. Weird. Maybe February is the month of blissful joy with some mild angry freakouts here and there...kinda like little chocolate chips in a big muffin. Fuck. I must be in a weird mood, normally an analogy like that woulda set me over the edge.

Lonely extroverts with made up names unite!

"Bloggers are living in a world where emotions may be real but everything else is
make-believe, says a University of Calgary professor in a new book. "

Oh just fuck off you fucking loser. At least I went out and got a real
job instead of just staying in University for a bunch of years and then
having to stay and take a job there because the university is the only
reality you belong in....(the whole article here)

Awesome. I just realised it was Thursday ( yes I realise its 230 pm)...so thats my HNT of the day entitled "mmmm Forbidden Donut"