The Fables of Juicy #4: Im actually quite introverted

I never thought i was an introvert-- I mean, seriously, how many introverts table dance and run around humping inanimate objects? Still, whenever I took one of those personality tests they always informed me that i was an introvert. But then i thought about it--whenever I enter a new group of people, I am super quiet. I stick to the back and say nothing. Once I have warmed up to everyone, I return to my object-humping regular self.

This weekend I have a Bat Mitzvah to go to in Vancouver. I can almost guarantee that right up to and including the first 20 minutes of the reception Ill be self conscious and quiet....and then once I realise that I dont hate everyone and am not a total outcast (well, except for the blatantly obvious fact that Im a Shiksa)(see, Im doing it already-- already freaking about new people and new groups).

I also think there is a correpsondence between introverted and intoxicated-- as in the more I am of one, the more Ill be of the second. Im certain that there will be many pictures of me with my mouth open after the weekend and many people congratulating me for a successful danceoff.

So Im also looking super forward to seeing Weeiner (aka Best friend Vancouver) this weekend and for hanging out with her for a few days after that. She, actually, is the co-creator of the hump attack following a night of too much beer and not enough thinking. She is also "Ice Cool" to me being "Fire when Ready". Im really really excited about this. Im glad my camera has enough memory for 500 pictures...

The Fables of Juicy #3: There is no such thing as too much coffee

From Left to Right: 1. Average sized coffee mug. 2. Juicy's extra extra extra large 'everythings-bigger-in-Texas'holy christ muthafucka large coffee mug.

I love coffee. More than anyone else you know. And it doesnt need to be fine grind, extra smooth Starbucks something or other, it just has to be brown, with caffeine, hot and in a cup. I have been drinking coffee since i was eight when my parents started letting me pour it on my mini-wheats (dont knock it til ya tried it-- i still have it everymorning for breakfast at work) and have been addicted to that evil little bean ever since.

I once was such a junkie (think of me in Trainspotting but instead of trying to make it up the stairs to get a hit of heroin, shaking as Mother Superior pours me a cup of joe) that my friends and ex boyfriend did an intervention of sorts. I needed to slow down on the coffee cuz they were worried. When i cut down, i immediately became angry and aggressive-- they actually asked me to go back to my 6 cups to day to tolerate me.

I have recently cut down to one cup a day...however, note the size of my cup.

I decided to post this because right now (yes-- at 8:44 pm) I just made a pot of coffee here at work. Yeah, Ive been drafting a brief and its totally taken over my life. Need caffeine to make the brain keep working. Im also eating sushi... but thats another fable for another time...

The Fables of Juicy #2: I hold grudges

I hold grudges. Its true. I can pretend that I forgive people, but I dont. All that bullshit about turning the other cheek or whatever? Not gonna happen. If you did something to really really make me mad, Im prolly not going to forgive you. Like ever. Yeah.

The reason I chose this little factoid today is because of something I encountered today in the world of facebook. Someone listed on that list in the picture (okay okay... the FIRST one on the list) added me as a friend. Uhhhhhh....yeeaaaah. Not gonna happen. I hate you forever and forever and forever. I aint your friend, buddy. Not in facebook and not in reality.

Other than that, my weekend was pretty much the most lazy greyhound-like weekend i have had in a while. My back was actually hurting on Saturday because I was laying around so much. The only time i left the house was to rent more movies and get Indian takeaway. Pure awesome.

Tomorrow I have to draft my letter to the law society about the cunt. I likely will be in a pretty bad mood tomorrow...oh, and might add someone else to the list.

The Fables of Juicy #1: I am addicted to celebrity gossip sites

There are a billion websites out there which give you the up to date info on all your fave and not so fave celebrities. And I am personally addicted to TMZ and PerezHilton.

I honestly do not care whether Britney is wearing panties, whether Jessica Alba is still dating that douchebag, or who may be pregnant form Desperate Housewives....yet I still find myself going to those websites 10-20 times per day and checking to see whats up.

And in that same light, here is a funny video that TMZ made:

clicky

What smells like cooter?

Hey... wish you smelled like crotch? Then go here [warning NSFW]

Yesterday was talk like a pirate day. I spent it at work (natch) but refused to speak to my assistant unless she responded in pirate speak. Arg, tis true fair lass. That Affidavit will be needing filing. Do it thee and ye finest sailing ships as it must be served by 4 hours on the clock.

I am planning on starting 'Talk like a Hobo' day: you will need to mumble, run into things, and then start yelling about the government. And eat Hobo Soup (SFW-- although if you are like me, and you thought that hobo soup might actually consist of meat from the bones of hoboes--it doesnt. Sorry)

So I had a conversation yesterday with a friend about what my blog was. She asked --Oh like is it a written version of your dirty little secrets and things that people dont know about you? I said, no not really...but then started thinking that something like that might be fun. Like what if there were Juicy trading cards about things you should know about me...from things i think are funny, stupid, or dont tell people about. And then i thought, Ill do one every week (until i get bored of it).

So yeah. The first one will be tomorrow. Maybe someday Ill have them bound in a book...but i doubt it.

yah-- i finally got out of Chambers

holy hell. longest morning of my life...

So other than the "joy" which is my workplace, I went to a wedding this weekend and it pretty much ruled. It was great because it had a relaxed, short service outside AND we were drinking (awesome) then the hors d'oevers and drinks, then the dinner (and with speeches while we were eating)and then more drinking and dancing. Oh yeah, and cupcakes instead of cake... mmmm. mmm.

I didnt take many pictures...but all the ones i did take i have my mouth open... observe:






The last picture, and the ones who i dedicate this post to, are the hardworking and hard drinking people of table 15. We were the loudest table at the event, although Table 16 was unfortunately given the credit for it. Dont worry-- we challenged them to a dance off which we easily won. Table 15-- Keep chasing that rainbow.

Jer and I gave an extra special gift to the bride and groom: a jar of mint julep. ( yeah, there was a nice gift too)



The evening ended with us in the uber fancy hotel-- lighting fireworks and chucking wet toilet paper off the balcony....classay.



Anyways, pretty awesome wedding and bless you dear sweet table 15.

AAAh

I am stuck in chambers and it is the civil matters list. There is everything from bail to the securities commission to old ladies asking for money from their husbands wills. I am so bored it is not funny.

Here is something that is funny: the new courthouse has funky new glass elevators. If you are wearing a dress or flowing skirt then people on floors below you can see your underwear as it goes by.

Furthermore, I am so bored I am now trying to remember every episode of South Park.

And now I'm slowly farting. I'm sure if anyone smells it they would blame it on the fat guy to the left or the old lady to the right.

Kill me.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Well this week pretty much blew

-- actual quote from my assistant

WARNING: IM IN A CURSEY MOOD. THE C BOMB SHALL BE DROPPED MANY TIMES HEREIN. ABANDON ALL HOPE WHO ENTERS HERE.

This week has been horrible. I havent blogged because i was pretty pissy/upset/bummed and didnt want to rant on here and let everyone know what a big baby i was being.

Anyways, Im trying to be more upbeat about this shiz... i could be this guy

So remember when a few months ago I was talking about a former client who planned to turn me into the law society? Yah. She did. Now normally they just hear out the person, give them a 'tut-tut' poor you, and then do nothing. Well, this time they heard the cunt out (FYI thats what shes known by as the office now... 'the cunt') and opened a file and then called me and told me i needed to defend her allegations.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fudickity fuck fuck

Ive read her complaint now and am not worried

(actual conversation:

Juicy: (opens envelope) Hah! The stupid cunt!

Boss: What? What did she say?>

Juicy: Absofuckingloutely nothin. What a dumb cunt!)

But Im still pretty pissy that the Law Society who believes they are a neutral party had pretty much told me on the phone that they believed her and I was wrong. I asked them if they had already made up their minds-- as I wouldnt bother responding if i was already convicted in their minds-- and they took offence to this.

anyways...

I will respond to their stupid cunt letter and remain working as a lawyer... although part of me wonders if i want to be part of this profession if this what i have to deal with.

haha. like i said, Im writing today because Ive cooled down a lot. Can you imagine what i was like on Tuesday when this went down?

Look i took pictures:



So other than that, another assistant stormed out of here today and quit. Weve been through like 6 people in the last 4 months. Its a little much.

On a high note, Im eating matzoball soup right now. its tasty. Shana Tova to all the jews out there. woot woot.

I also am going to a wedding this weekend and plan on drinking myself into oblivion. And maybe driving to the cunts house and giving her a black eye. (j/k. sorta)

Today is the longest day in the history of the universe....

Im killin time like nobody's bidness today. I had discoveries scheduled for the whole freaking day...and they "called in sick" ( in quotes because its bullshit, they just dont want me to question them because they are scared...beeeeyotch!). Of course, I dont have anything to do because I finished it all yesterday because i thought id be busy all day.

I've officially run out of internet to surf. Its 1:00 in the afternoon. Im about to start randomly reading articles on Wikipedia and adding in funny shit that I make up into articles that are too boring. Dont worry...if i do, Ill be sure to link them here. I think Im going to hit a topic that I know nothing about-- like Catholic martyrs or the spawning of salmon.

I went for coffee (it sadly only too 20 minutes.) and someone in line behind me started patting the sleeves of my shirt. While this normally woulda been creepy... it was actually funny. Allow me to show why:



mmmm.... clothy

Of course, when I made eye contact with him he said to me "I like your sleeves".

In honour of Deb, I am now wearing my hair like this and asking people if they want me to take Glamour shots of them. Im trying to sell that and boondoggle bookmarks to save for college.



Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.

I think Im going to E-town this weekend. I wish I could leave now, but Ive been getting in trouble lately for leaving too early. Meh. Not my fault if 5:00 seems too late.

I still havent figured out how to upload the videos from my camera --> computer. I took one yesterday of this truck and dude in it who i was positive was an extra from 'The Road Warrior'. He was bald and weird looking and his truck...well... I managed to get some stills of the side of his truck as i drove by....



Yeah. manequin heads...

Wheeeeee!

I bought a new camera. Its pretty much awesome...although i havent figured out how to use all the fun features yet. However, as seen above, i spent some time testing out how stable the 'picture stabalization' mode was by running and jumping at the same time. Fun shit. Im trying to figure out how to use the video record function so i can do videos on here. I was thinking of taking song requests.

Maybe this is just here...and maybe they are isolated incidents... but I noticed yesterday that in Walmart there are usually quite a few cars with religious bumper stickers. I mean, so many that I actually noticed it. Maybe attending the 'Mart is a religious experience. Maybe religious people like bargains. Maybe Calgary is slowly turning into a religious haven and i will need to escape before i burst into flame. I dunno.

I just noticed that in those pics I took yesterday I have the super sexy smeary makeup look going on...with the corresponding red blotchy face from running. (Oh yeah, I run now. how fucked is that? I cant mock people now who I see running...nor can I ask them if they are being chased. le sigh) Atleast Im wearing a quasi-offensive tshirt.

Juicy opens her Spam Folder

"We cannot be sure that this patient's exposure to butter flavored microwave popcorn from daily heavy preparation has caused his lung disease," cautioned Dr. Cecile Rose. "However, we have no other plausible explanation."

Yahoo news story-- Popcorn fumes cause Cancer.

Congratulations. That is the most fucking ridiculous thing I have heard in weeks.

I am currently enjoying some chicken soup. And it smells delicious-- I sure hope Im not going to get lung cancer from that cuz that would be a shame. Not just because it smells so good, but because we've all been living under the delusion that chicken soup is good for the soul. Good for the soul--Bad for the lungs.

So today, cuz I am now in 'one of those moods' i thought I would reply to some spam Ive been getting lately. It seems that there are 4 or 5 companies/ people out there who feel the need to send me spam on an hourly basis. (sorry-- Nothing from Irina. I think she got the message last time....)


1. To Harvey Investment Team

You have sent me approx. 35 messages in the last week for your company. Please note my comments (in bold)Today we are looking for customer service associates who share our command spirit
Command spirit -- Wasnt that Shee-Ra's Horse? Do we get to share it with Shee-ra? I dont think that would work for me. Im also concerned of horse hair/pegasus wing dust getting in the computer
and are looking to land an outstanding position with a company who has consistently been recognized on the national level for their work in the investment and securities area. Its been so recognized that it has to spam people to get interest in their company. I dont think that companies put your name on 'block sender' lists is the same as 'recognition'.We work tirelessly to build solid relationships with well-recognized organizations across the nation to learn about projects and opportunities. work tirelessly= spam mercilessly

Take a look at the job responsibilities and qualifications below and if you think you would be an asset to the team, we invite you to apply for the position. I invite you to stop sending me emails and then if the responsibilities and qualifications are right, kiss my ass

The associate should deduct his 10% interest out of every transaction he is going to deal with, as well as all the related charges. The associate further makes a Western Union/MoneyGram transfer of the balance left to the company's regional department Oohhhy, I get it. You hire me, I send you money. Fuck! This truly is the best company ever

Thank you for your interest in my email

Juicy

2.

Dear customer of The Royal Bank of Scotland,

RBS Customer Service requests you to complete Digital Banking Online Form.

Please click hyperlink below to access Digital Banking Online Form.

Please do not respond to this email.

This procedure is obligatory for all RBS Digital Banking users.

Dear random spammer attempting to get Banking info from me about the Royal Bank of Scotland

Juicy Customer Service requests you to fuck off and die.

Please stick your head in an oven to complete your demise.

Please do not respond to this email. Especially if you are dead or a zombie.

This procedure is obligatory for all Bank Spammer companies

cc: TC Canada Trust, Royal Bank, Brightons Bank....etc.

Juicy

3. To: Casa@WEbpower.cox
re: Here comes the bell

Here comes the delete.

Juicy

4. To the various people sending me some link stating: LESBIANS ON THE INTERNET

Dudes, not interested. If I was interested, googling 'lesbians on the internet' would prolly give me enough links for a century of lesbian watching action. I really believe that a large reason why the internet is as popular as it is is because of people's obsessions with lesbians on the internet. Therefore, if I want lesbians, I will find them. They do not need to email me. What? Are internet lesbians that needy?

Juicy

Ok that was fun.

Tomorrows post will be full of pictures that I will begin taking with my new camera once the batteries it came with are full.

Until then, watch that popcorn inhalation and good luck finding lesbians on the internet.


marriedtothesea.com

[ title to be determined later... cant think of anything witty...its been too long]

So how do I do this... returning to the previous scheduled blogging, i mean.

Come in with a bang? With fireworks and nudity?

Slither in unnannounced and hope no one notices the month and a half delay?

Or just continue on 'as is' with a coles notes version of why i stopped?

Yah. Exactly.

So when I began bloggin, the plan was to continue as long as I was having fun with it. And, sadly, it stopped. I felt that all I was doing was bitching about the weather, my weight and stupid support staff. I mean, I always thought that I would complain if i had reason to, but that I wouldnt let it become the only thing going on. And it was. And it was depressing me more.

So I stopped.

And now, Im back.

There.


Now -- pictures of me humping the USA border marker and making sweet loooove to the Canada border marker. I know, its not nudity...but its a start....