Yeah Mon

5 s of Jamaica. Sun sea sand sex and smoke. All 5 have been accomplished.

This rules. Wasted and sunburned and a lot of rob Schneider movies on da TV.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Checklist to a Vacation

Sleep medication: Check

Sleep mask: Check

Pre-printed boarding passes: Check

Suitcase packed and re-packed to my type a personality delight: check

Vacation commenced:.......well.... not yet... but in theory (hopefully no one really expects me to do anything today. Im a little distracted over the fact that my flight leaves in 12 hours and 10 minutes.)

So I think I figured out the pictures and stuff on my blackberry to port-o-blog. Assuming, of course, that I have service there...and that Im sober enough to work my blackberry.

I have a few goals for this trip:

1. Drink heavy

2. Live the 'Rasta' lifestyle

3. Dance to Reggae

4. Drink Heavy

5. Get my hair did up in cornrows ( c'mon...weve all seen that episode of Friends where Monica goes to Jamaica...her hair goes huge...and she gets cornrows, which Chandler thinks are ugly... and then she gets them caught in the shower curtain... yeah)

6. After the Cornrows, recreate the Bo Derek scene in '10'.

I think thats all i need to do.

I just need to get on that plane... which is now 12 hours and 7 minutes away...not that im counting

HNT: Ready for the Beach

So its less than 48 hours until Jamaica... and Im ready to get my bikini on.

It took shady diet pills, hours of Bikini Bootcamp, and annoying jogging to get me in the body that I feel comfortable parading around in.

Im also ready in that Im friggin pasty white as hell and will likely blind someone. Thats actually why Im holding the flower...cuz otherwise the pic would cause widespread snowblindness in all that saw it.

Go see Os and say hi to my other half nakers peeps.

FYI I used my blackberry to send some pics on here...k lets see if they work

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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

My stripper name is still Trixie Firecracker

Holy christ muthafucka. This is my 700th post. Eat that.

So I was re-reading some of Diablo Cody's blog posts from back in the day, and then reading mine...and realised that at some point in time... we were very similar in our day to day lives and blog posting.

Now Im sitting in an office wishing that it was 5:00 so I could go home and watch Top Model, and she's got an Oscar. Huh. where did i go wrong and she go right? I want controversy over million dollar shoes. So I plan to write a screenplay. I mean, how hard can it be, right? I wrote a play about pirates that I re-did on Saturday to, again, positive reviews.



Note: Hailie is in the first row

I am now constantly saying to my assistant "You'll be nicer to me when I have an Oscar".

Im also constantly mocking my assistant for hurting her ankle and limping. I keep calling her 'Gimpy' and 'Hopalong'. (Haha. Ps. Its Administrative Assistant Day)

I added a music type player to the bottom of my blog. (It was supposed to be on the side. I dont know what happened) But I turned the 'auto-play' off cuz its hard to stealth-blog at work when 'Sure shot' starts blaring from my computer everytime I come on here. So yeah, feel free to go ahead and listen to the music that makes me shake my rump.

I should put my setlist for amateur night up there in Diablo's honour.

Remind me to HNT tonight. Im trying to get back into that swing. KTHANXBYE

Ranting on the run

why do people keep showing up for walk in appointments? Why? This isnt McDonalds people! And these are people who have been my clients for months...they know i dont play that shit. I mean come on. If I tell you i cant see you this week...its not because Im sitting in my office with my thumb up my ass. You arent going to catch me sitting around doing nothing.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!


ps. My fish died. Im pretty bummed about it...but i hope in fishy heaven they remember to feed him a little more regularily...

Oh just eat your gefilte fish** and shuddup

Afikomen: (say it Aff-ee-co-min)(Hebrew language: אפיקומן, based on Greek, epikomen or epikomion, meaning "that which comes after" or "dessert") is a piece of matzah which is hidden in the early stages of the Passover Seder and eaten after the festive meal.

Africamen (say it "Africo-men")slang for someone from Africa ( likely with a less than positive meaning)

Dont get these two mixed up at Passover Dinner-- apparently it is hilarious and an excuse to make fun of the Shiksa who doesnt know any different.

(**Gefilte fish (Yiddish: געפֿילטע פֿיש) (English: filled fish) are poached fish patties or balls made from a mixture of ground deboned fish, mostly carp (common carp). They are popular in the Ashkenazi Jewish community.-- They are also really gross)

Its whats in my pants that counts

Oh, hi, just me... breezing through my high class lifestyle. Jetting off to Milan, drinking martinis with two sweet onions in them, wearing pearls and hats with jaunty feathers in them, having a forbidden affair with a married co-star.

Oh wait. Im not Katherine Hepburn. Its just my pants.

I was feeling stange and bought these plaid, wide leg, HIGH WAISTED pants. OMFG what was I thinking...right? No, they are actually pretty cool and make me look tall and willowy. I even bought this blouse that i need to tuck. Tuck in! Fuck, where is my jaunty feather hat?

I have been horribly motivated work wise... and highly motivated blog wise. Maybe cuz Im summering in Jamaica in seven sweet days. I just keep getting easily distracted and wandering away from custody applications...and into such non-work related things as 1. learning to pole dance 2. trying to find a new couch for my house and 3. reading my own archives to see if my life is actually interesting. The jury is still out.

Here is something that is totally TMI-- but maybe my sisters out there (can I get a hell-yeah?) can understand. Since my last vay-cay (BTW... i hate when cosmo calls a vacation "vacay". Stupid, man, just stupid) I havent waxed my hoo-ha. And I never really realised since I was trying on my bikinis yesterday that 'hot damn!' I have a giant bush. I mean, yeah, its been since December that ive gone 'au natural'... but really, Im surprised that i never really noticed until yesterday how bad it was.

Okay, I have a discovery in the next 30 min..and im still trying to prep. Fuck this blows.



my highpants bring all the boys to the yaaard

HNT 2008: A return...somewhat

So I was playin around with a wig i own...and lo and behold, I decided to take some pics that were of lil ole me wearing nuffink but a wig, a necklace, and a slight smirk.

I liked this one cuz it looks like an album cover for an older, more hippie/folk-less-pop Tiffany album...for her "Out of the Mall and Into the Granola" tour.

Go say hi to Osbasso (osbasso.blogspot.com) and tell 'em if you played

Shady shady shady (or: a glimpse inside 'RapidSlim addiction')

FYI Cinders-- 'shady' is the only way to explain my diet pills. One step before 'sketchy' two steps after 'strange'. Speaking of which, I think I understand Anna Nicole in a whole new light. I feel like getting impregnated by some douchebag and having a cross-eyed baby.

My camera has been unsuable for the blog lately because I rolled my chair over the connecting wire thing and couldnt upload anything. I just fixed said wire with a pair of scissors and a paperclip. Technology, I beat you again! (**shakes fist)

Here is a little gem i took last week. I wish I could take credit for the sign--but it wasnt me....this time. I almost ran into the back of an Uplander trying to take it...but it was worth it. The soccer mom in said SUV was Not (with a capital 'N') Impressed about the sign.



I have been obsessed with unicorns lately. Telling everyone its my life's ambition to be a unicorn when i grow up and such. So how funny was it when my parents brought me a box of glass unicorns that used to be on my dresser as a kid and a giant unicorn blanket when they came last weekend.



This colony is now in my bathroom ( strangely-- Jer said nothing until I asked his thoughts...and yes, they are still in the bathroom).I am trying to channel a Tennessee Williams ( or was it Tennessee Ernie Ford? I always get those confused) hero in this pic. (If i need to 'splain that to you-- go ahead and just call yer Grade 11 English teacher and apologize.)

I took a series of pictures with me wearing this wig because i think its funny. Dont i look like Im auditioning for Rock of Love 3? (ps. My name when i wear this wig is "Hailie". Hailie needs a man like Bret to keep her satisfied)

Can't do a little, cause you can't do enough

33

Boo-yah.

So, I have noticed lately that there are a fucking lot of reality TV on right now...and I really dont have time to watch the shows or all their episodes of eliminations. However, whenever I happen to watch a final episode for a reality program...I still cry like a baby. I have no idea why Bret Michaels picked one bitch over the over, but his asking "Ambre" (really? is that her name? or is it like Flava Flav who gives the girls stripper names...cuz no way is that real) to be his rock of love? Yeah, I welled up. It doesnt even have to be a new reality show-- I watched the last episode of Amazing Race 3 last night and was bawling when the "Dating Models" won.

What the hell is wrong with me? Are my shady diet pills making me manic?

Speaking of drugs, I saw part of a movie that was on last night on TV-- according to the TV guide, Aiport 77 was supposed to be on...but it wasnt. I watched for like 10 minutes...then realised I had to get high to understand it...and didnt find out what the hell it was til this morning.

HR Puffnstuff

Have you seen this before? Holy fuck. This movie (thinly veiled as a children's show) was the best drug movie i have seen in years. I need to buy it to watch it after the PowerPuff girls and before Sponge Bob. It about a magic dragon who lives on an island where everything is alive and is plagued by a character named 'Witchie Poo'. PuffnStuff is the mayor and helps this australian kid who has a magic flute named freddie. Fuck. Im not making this up. Its for real.

Here is the theme song I found on Youtube. If you have some weed handy, watch the video of them learning how to moonwalk too.

Its all fun and games until you get salad dressing on the keyboard

Its true. Golden italian plus keyboard equals disaster.

Holy fuck. Less than two weeks to Jamaica. Dude, I fucking need a vacation.

So I was reported to the law society again-- by, of all people-- the self represented crazy ex husband of one of my clients. ( who i have unceremoniously destroyed in court a record 6 times) I was pretty much told by the LS that there is nothing to worry about because they all know this fuckwad quite well and think hes nuts. The actual phrase of the person I spoke to on the phone was "he'd report the guy who pumps his gas if he could find a reason". Apparently my reason was that i was playing (again quoting ) "dirty lawyer tricks"

Dirty lawyer tricks-- I cant decide if that sounds more like something from a olde timey movie ( imagine a man with a handle bar mustache yelling "Curse You O'Sullivan! And your dirty legal tricks!" And then a dude also wearing a handlebar moustache looking like one of the Really Rotten's from Hanna Barbera comics comes out and laughs sinisterly) or a porn set in a courtroom. ( I may not be a lawyer-- but I can sure get you off!)

Anyways-- its a great way to start a monday.

My weekend was pretty uneventful. My parents stopped by, looked at my house, were harassed by my dogs, and then left. They brought me a box of stuff from when i was a kid... including a daytimer i had in 1995. Holy crap, nothing is funnier (or sadder) than reading your thoughts from over 10 years ago...and realising that nothing much has changed. Pretty much 18 year old me complained about people at work ( although it was a deli-- not a law office) and quoted Radiohead lyrics. I was also very excited that on March 18, 1995, I got the internet for the first time. The first thing i did? Posted on a BBS ( remember those?) about Radiohead and how i hated customers at work.

Bonk is Bonkers.

(this has nothing to do with the post, but is funny)

So lemme tell yas about yesterday. I woke up to a foot on snow on the ground...and with more falling in giant snowballesque chunks. Very not cool. As I listened to the radio on the drive to work, the dude said that pretty much whatever route you took to work, there would be an accident and it would likely take double the time to get wherever you were going. Good ole cocky Juicy though, 'Heh, I drive through residential neighbourhoods...there aint going to be any problems with my commute'.

Yeah.

So, I driving down this little hill, and my wheels lock as I hit ice. I was going pretty fast...and because it was downhill, it seemed to be getting faster and faster. I had two choices: hit the back of a Toyota ( and i could see kids in the backseat) or bail to the right and hit a front yard.

Im still pulling leaves out of my grille.

I basically went careening onto this lady's front lawn, via her hedge, and narrowly missing a giant tree. Other than some damage to her hedge, I managed to survive the ordeal with only a blown out tire. Not too bad.

Jer had a similar drive to work--he hit someone's car while he was turning--and then while in the Mail truck --he had two mishaps.

In the future, I will just stay in bed if there is a day like that. Much cheaper. I did notice though that people are a lot more understanding in times like blizzards than in times of better weather. People stopping to push Jetta's off of front lawns, not caring about the state of their lawns, being ok with just exchanging names to repair damaged lights.

So hockey playoffs are in full swing. Im not paying too much attention to it. I have decided to cheer for the Predators. Why? Cause there are a lot of players with funny names. I mean seriosly, they have a dude named Bonk.

dang

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Im in the wrong profession... i could be billing 3x the amount i make now!

I wish it was the sixties...I wish I could be happy

Y'know what will create tons of attention to your facebook profile and tons of ghey little messages about "are you okay?" or "wahts wrong?"? Quoting random band lyrics. I have been just posting random Radiohead lyrics and now everyone thinks im either depressed, pregnant or on drugs ( answer: d-- none of the above)

So lets see. Where were we? Fuck I cant even remember. Stupid tudors. Ya see... I became addicted to that show over the past month...and have been watching episodes over noon hours ( which is when i usually blog)

You havent missed too much. I spent a week in a total rage with Tourrette's like speech because a certain stupid fucking whoreanus cunt of a motherfucking motherfuck hockey team knocked the blessed and beloved Oilers out of making the playoffs. And I have to live with their biggest and most annoying fan. Yeah. Lotsa fun.

Last week the Junos ( the Cdn. music awards) was in Calgary. I somehow scored an invite to a big party called the Rockstar Hotel...which was supposed to be a big party for all the award nominees and presenters. I showed up there with all the other cool kids with the invites...and the closest thing to a celebrity i saw was a dude on Much Music (Canada's music channel) and the black dude who is a judge on Canadian Idol. Plus, I was amused to see the people who were dressed to go to their prom... i mean like chicks had gotten updos for this thing. Weird. And the swag suite was for honored guests only...so i didnt even get free shit.

I did see Heather Locklear on Saturday. She was eating a salad. I thought about asking her about TJ Hooker-- but didnt.

I watched the movie Singles last night. I miss the 90s. Wow. Thats lame.