Fecal Matters

Why are some people so offended by talking about poop? I really really like talking about it, but rarely get to. Jer refuses to speak with me on this topic. Its like he doesnt even want to imagine that i do it. For example, if i get up to take a dump, he asks where im going....i say 'i need to poo' and then he gets all annoyed and stuff and says that im always talking about poop. Well, being that this is my blog and he can just keep on surfing if he likes, I shall share my observations and fave anecdotes about poo with all of you.

Every morning my old roomate and myself useda discuss poop. Apparently, coffee made her poop. And not just eventualy...but like RIGHT after she had some. She could schedule her whole day almost to the minute because she knew that at a certain time, she would be pooping. So we would get up for class...make coffee...watch the countdown on Much More Music [although i dont know why, being that we really didnt like the music they played. I guess we did have fun making fun of Enrique Iglesias, the tarts in his videos, and that giant mole on his face.]... then she would poop. Afterwards, I would ask "how was your poop?". To this day, when she phones me from Toronto, thats the first thing i ask.

Personally, I never have been able to set my poo schedule. I guess the closest i had was when i was growing up. I always had to take a dump, approx. 10 minutes after eating. The reason why i say "approx." is because it coincided with when it was time to do the dishes. Like Pavlov's dog, when the dishwater started flowing...i was running to the bathroom. It was never on purpose, but my sister, to this day, doesnt believe me. I really wasnt trying to get out of doing the dishes, Lem. well...maybe just a little.

Some people dont like to poop in public. I love it. In fact, one of my missions during my undergrad was to poo in every building on campus. And i did it, too. I even pooed in the port-o-potties at the construction sites on campus. Speaking of port-o-potties [ that a stupid dumbass ex of mine used to call 'porto-lets'...like thats a fucking word. asshole.] you better believe i love crapping in those. I never did poop in all the frat houses on the U of A campus, though, because i wasnt sure what I'd have to do to get invited to one of those...and i did have some lines i wouldnt cross to meet my mission. I also enjoy pooping in airport washrooms. I really dont know why. Maybe cuz they are so clean.

My dog used to poo all the time, too. If she got off leash and ran away, eventually she would come home to poo in our yard. Or at least, when she stopped to dump [which she did every 20 minutes or so], you could catch up to her and put her leash back on.

I have never ever pooped my pants. [well at least, in my recollection. im sure it happened when i was little.] One of Jer's fave sayings is "i think im going to shit my pants". Maybe he has some bad memories or tragic stories involving poop...would explain why he refuses to talk about it. I have pooped on demand, though. Once on a Britney Spear's poster belonging to the super-ex [ i found it creepy and degrading.] and once the car of a guy i was fooling around with. Yeah. ON his car. Nice. One of my fave things to watch is from Jackass: The Movie, entitled "The Hardware Store Shit". Brilliant. Pooping on demand is a skill that few admire.

I think im done talking about poo. poop. kaka. shit. dookie. manure. crap. hee hee. Jer, if you are still around, you can re-join the conversation. Maybe we should talk about all your farting, instead.