naked
and 411
its baaaat mitsvah time and 8im not a jew but im someone who cares who yjzsy they are i wqwa
I WON A DANCE CONTEST
BESART JEWISH AUNTIE WEVER

SERIOUS
I WON DANCE CONCERT
GO JUICY GIO
YAAAA

She Speaks!

Clicky below to hear what i sound like.

I decided to post the first one i did cuz...yeah, if i re-recorded it I would sound all rehearsed and shit.


I said "Rock on" twice. Such a nerd.

HNT: The Bird

I got this idea from my homegirl Itchy-- there is this website where you give the finger, to cancer and with every pic submitted, they donate 50 cents for research.

So here I am on a Thursday-- killing 2 birds with one stone/picture.



Here are some other hand gestures worthy of posting:



Peace.



Rockout.

To anyone who hasnt figured all the semi nudidty out yet...go here


ps: Itchy-- your bird pic is really cute

Oilers 4, Red Wings 3: Oilers lead the series 2-1.

I dont feel like working today. I want to sleep, eat oysters, have sex, and talk about hockey.

All my brain is thinking is hockeyhockeyhockeyhockey right now. I was up uber late watching the Oilers game-- I really feel for my homegirls AliCat and Camo who must've been up until like 3 am. Good game though-- especially the first 2 periods and the last seconds of double overtime.

With all this hockey talk and obsession lately, I almost understand what its like to be a man. Before you know it Ill be peeing standing up, scratching myself in public, and leering at teenage girls. Ok that last part was a little creepy... "someone" made a comment to me this morning about "cruising for gash" at a Bat Mitzvah and Im a little disturbed by it. Yeah, when i was 13 I was a walking talking little hormone machine, but hearing that from your 30 yr old boyfriend is a little weird. Even when hes just kidding. And yes, hes kidding. He was telling me that I need to dance with some shy Jewish boys and that he'd also be 'crusing for gash'. Maybe its a Yiddish euphemism for 'meet and dance with'. I dunno. This isnt Myspace here. Nobody's putting any 13 year olds in their 'Friends list'.

[ Fun fact: Speaking of hockey and 13 yr olds, I had a major crush on Steve Yzerman when i was 13-- and actually lost my virginity to someone who was wearing a Wings Yzerman jersey. [ not because he was wearing that jersey, though, because i was soooo in love with him and sooooo horny at 13. he also had a mullett]]

I had some weeeeird hockey dreams last night too after the game. Im sure when boys dream of hockey its playing in the Stanley Cup or hanging out with their fave players. With me, its me banging them senseless in their locker rooms. What can I say, Raffi's pretty cute, and Ive always had a thing for red-heads.

On a non-hockey related note, I went to this networking party last night. I hate networking. It makes me feel icky. I really only went because there were tons of oysters there and it was being put on by a guy who is an oyster farmer. So instead of pressing some flesh, I was actually having fun eating and shucking oysters. And thinking about hockey.

I need to take HNT pics for this week. Can someone remind me? Thanks.

title: dwunk

man oh man i had a shit day. so much so that i was in court all day, then hit the gym then needed to derrrink.

the dog has gone mad. hes under the garbage can trying to get his ball.

i said that last line with a british accent in mind.

its monday nite, its gonna be a long week.

speaking of british accent, supernanny is on. i love those nanny shows. i have no idea why. maybe cuz my garbbage rolling under dog is better behaved than some peoples kids. quit yer "roooo" ing. [the dog, not the nanny...my dog dont bark, he roooooos. its quite funny]

did colorado just score? nope. i think hejduk just did. poor turco.

no not hejduk. it was liles. in going to see who scored i fell over the couch and almost died.

when i say "couch" i prenounce it "cow-witch", did ya know that? silly non accent. i wish i had an accent. so much more colourful. and cool.

ug. only 1014. better gotobedsoicangetupearlyand let the bulllllsheeeyit start again.

woot.

Hey now... you're an all star

My first thought this morning as i awoke: I feel like going drinking.

However it is only coffee that is currently sitting in my Oilers coffee mug...which ironically tastes a little bitter this morning. Maybe the cup knows that they lost in double overtime, while I was sitting in another arena and cheering for another team [note: "cheering" in the good-for-you-but-i-dont-want-you-winning-the-cup way]. Im not going to lie, it really fucking sucked to be walking amongst the revellers in red on the infamous 'red mile' when my team lost.

I know i know, yer all tired of listening to the hockey talk...but this stuff runs kinda deep for me. Some of my fave child hood memories involve me eating Kentucky Fried Chicken and watching the Oilers on Hockey Night in Canada. I thought i was going to marry Wayne Gretzky when I grew up. [there would be no gambling problems with me!] I remember how exciting the playoffs were and how the first thing I'd ask my Dad when I woke up was "Did we win last night?" when they were playing away games that ended too late. Sigh.

I wonder if there is a correlation between the Oil making the playoffs, and my drinking. After Detroit scored their first goal, I went an got a drink. Hmmm. Interesting.

That title song is stuck in my head. I blame the Surreal Life.

Juicy A: Extreme Makeover Edition

Well, not really. Just wanted to say that. That show actually pisses me off a lot. Yeah, I know that some of those people have fat stomachs/ big noses/ gap-spaced teeth... but to make them look like Generic Barbie at the end? Yah I dont dig that. [ Ill leave my outrage on Tyra Banks making the one girl get the gap in her teeth filled in because its not commercial on Top Model this week... I mean really. How many people said that to Cindy Crawford about her face mole? Does everyone have to look the smae to be "pretty"? grrrr.... ending this topic now]

Anyhoo.... this is my "after shot" for the show. I have bangs and orange highlights n shit. Pretty wikked. [and lookit me work it]



And Im wearing my Oilers jersey at work right now. It stinks to be in a different playoff city than the one whose team you are cheering for. Everyone is wearing a Flames jersey or something red today. I stick out like, well, like an Oiler fan. Im actually going to the Calgary game tonight. Id trade my first-born to go to the Oiler home games, but I doubt that will happen.




Being that Im posting a shit load of pics today...here's something that made me laugh uncontrollably yesterday.

What do you think this warning label was on:



a) a Spray can of Paint
b) Furniture Polish
c) Aerosol Hairspray








WRONG!


A bottle of Diet Dr Pepper.

Im talented

Last night I was being artistic. I decided to do a portrait of Digit:



Here it is:



Title: Roo in a Blanket
Date: April 19, 2006
Artist: Juicy A
Medium: Etcha-Sketch


Yeah, I know its Thursday...and no semi-nude picture of yours truly. It just kinda snuck up on me again. This will be 3 weeks in a row with no picture. I promise something big next week.

To my Edmonton Readers:

Uh, Hi guys

Can one of you please send me one of those Oiler car flags? Its damn hard to find one here and you can prolly imagine the reception I get from people at the Flames Stores when I ask if they have any. Drop me an email and I'll send you my address.

C'mon. The Oilers need fans all over the province...especially here.

Thanks and Kisses

Juicy

Rhymes with Moron

Now Im not religiously intolerant [*snort*], but there are some things I just cant handle when it comes to different religions. I'll eat Matza on Pesach, Ill cover up my shoulders and knees when I go to the Sistine Chapel, I wont make hindi friends eat beef. Hell, I used to be in a cult [yes. a cult. long story...involving drugs]. But I have a line when it comes to religious-in-your-face-ness: And right over that line are Mormon missionaries.

Being from the Edmonton area, I didnt see a lot of them growing up. I remember hearing about them and laughing at their super gay commercials about friendship and brotherhood and such. ( We were usually bombarded by Jehovas Witnesses, instead. Whom my sis and I called "JoVos" and used to giggle at from behind the curtains when they came to the door. But I did crack up reading the Watchtower.) Anyhoo, back to my original rant....Mormons. Trucking around my neighbourhood. Wearing white shirts, black ties, and name tags calling them "Elder John" or "Elder Thomas".

So they've been stalking my neighbourhood lately. A fat red-headed one and a tall skinny one. A few days ago, Jer honked at them. Yesterday I had a chance to speak with the redhead. [ he kinda ambushed me when i got out of my car, actually, so I guess he brought this on himself]

Red Head Mormon: Hi there!

Juicy: Uhhhh Hi.

RHM: How are you today. It sure is beautiful out.

J: Yup.

RHM: Do you own a...

J: [interrupting]. Dude. Not interested.

RHM: What? Oh, well, me and Elder So-and-So, we're just in your...

J: Yeah. I know what you are doing. Well. I drink coffee and booze.

RHM: [laughs] Thats fine. I hear that all the time...

J: Oh, and I have a question for you: Why are there no female missionaries?

RHM: [Opens his mouth to explain only to again be interrupted by yours truly now on a rant and about to answer my own question]

J: Because they are already married at your age. And popping out [ED Note: Yes I said popping] their first of 23 children that they will have to make you, their smug mormom men, happy and to make you gods or some shit. So how many babies did your mother have? Is she still having them? And do you really think that any woman would be interested in joining this type of religion?

RHM: [red faced and looking around like hes waiting for Bringham Young to sweep up on a white horse and carry him safely away] Well.... thank you for your time. I should be joining Elder So and So now.

J: Yes. Run. We're on to you. Go to the Temple...tell them we cannot be fooled.

Okay...maybe I didnt say the last line. I just get a little angry over the fact that women my age that are Mormon usually already have 8 or 9 kids. I also lost one of my best friends to Mormon-hood... he left the church at 15, became a total party dude and spent most of his university career getting stoned or drunk with me...then returned at 24, was promptly engaged and sent on a mission to France.

Im not saying all Mormons are into the get a wife- get 20 chidren lifestyle, but I figure that if you are approaching me on the street I get to ask you the tough questions. I mean if I approached you with pamphlets on chanting HU to gain enlightenment...I would expect you to ask me about Harold Klemp and the Temple of Eck.

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a geek like me?

Many moons ago, between the ages of say 6 and 8, I saw the cartoon movies.

At the age of 12, I read the books.

In my early 20s, I saw the movies in theatre.

In my mid to late 20s, I rented the videos.

This weekend: I watched them again because Jer [ who has his own special breed of geekness...ask him about his Dungeon Master or his comic books] for some odd reason never saw them.

And despite the two decades having passed, it still made me run around the house making noise like the Nazgul and referring to everything from my car keys to Digit's rawhide as "theee preciousssss".

My name is Juicy, and Im a Lord of the Rings geek. I can still sing the songs in the cartoon version, too.

Im naming my firstborn Frodo.

Oh, and here is the Johari and Nohari Windows for moi... if you dont know what that means... then just clicky and you'll figure it out. I have faith in you. Yes i do.



Thats a Nasgul. Make sure to click "utter nerd" on that window.

Oil-gasm

Ahhh, nothing like drunk posting and having absolutely no clue what you were writing about.

My only guess is something to do with when i lived in Vancouver and the stupid seagulls used to keep me up at night. Other than that, I enjoyed everyone's theories in the comments section. Saturday was a bit of a piss up. I think I tried to start a fist-fight with some hookers at some point in time. And I recall dancing to this really shitty greaser rock band.

So on to better and brighter things-- THE OILERS MADE THE PLAYOFFS! You cannot understand how much joy this little factoid has brought me. Every night before I go to sleep I thank Jesus for Jim Bob, Clancy, little Joe, and the Oilers making the playoffs. Of course, what this means is that my mood for the next few weeks/months will directly correlate to how the Oil played in the previous game. And yes, I know, they are playing the President's Cup winning Red Wings. But I have hope.

I havent blogged in a week. I have so much to blather on about...except that I really have no time to do it. Work has been insane.

Ill try blogging again later. I promise

Go oilers go.

definatelysomethingtothinkabout

i hear seagulls.
\

Warning: This post took 3 hours to write and is pretty stupid

Work is making me crazy. So hectic I dont have time to waste time on blogging and commenting on everyone elses. So Im going to write this post throughout the day when I have a chance between [or if they are boring me, during] client meetings and see what i get.

1. Ive been a gym nut since January 15, averaging 4-5 visits per week with 2 usually being with my trainer. At my first visit i weighed myself. I was very disappointed. Yesterday I weighed myself again. I weigh exactly the fucking same amount. And am still disappointed.

Maybe I shoulda done before and after pics to see if there has been a change or see if maybe Ive gone down inches somewhere [like my ass/thighs/stomach]. I feel very underwhelmed about this. Like I just was awarded the trophy that says "Winning personality" or "Participant" on everyone gets a trophy day.

2. Speaking of fat people, [haha] I had a flashback yesterday to a website I used to go to on a near daily basis back in 1996: Fat Chicks in Party Hats. I saw two larger people making out yesterday and I got "Miguel"'s voice in my head. Hello Fatty are You stuck to the Butterfat? [If you dont know why thats funny...then go to the site...first be offended, then slightly amused, then offended again, then think its comedy gold.] There are now 39 pages of "pork discovery". I think when i was addicted to the site there was only 25.

3. Im annoyed that FCIPH has porn ads on it. Y'know what would suck? If you had a secret webcam porn identity, and one day you were surfing the old interweb with your BF and lo and behold, there you were as the "slut of the month" over at collegecamsluts.com. Yikes. Luckily I got that injunction against college cam sluts so they wont post my pics anymore.

4. I bet i get some hits over "college cam sluts" and likely "slut of the month".

5. I think Id rather be awarded "slut of the month" over "participant" at Everyone gets a trophy day...unless it was like the lawyer awards or something. Although think of the job offers Id get.

6. I think Im going to make myself an award and put it on my desk at work. What should it be? Anyone else want one? Im taking orders. Its Every Commenter gets a trophy day here at thg Intersection 13x13.

6. Whoa... I better stop this post before it gets stupider. I believe using the word 'stupider' actually just crossed the line.

7. Seriously, Taking orders, just click below.

I have anger issues

Its not my fault. Its the video goal judges'.

I wont get into it too much because it makes me really really angry and then I start throwing stuff and spewing cusswords and venom and shit...but if you are an Oilers fan, or even watch hockey, you likely know what Im pissing and moaning about[ps. thats one of my fave lines to quote out of Stand By Me. "Verrrrn, Quit your pissing and moaning!" Next only to "Chowdown, Lard Ass!"...anyways gettting off topic].

On Thursday, a dissallowed goal. Then an apology later that same game that 'oops, we were wrong. It was a goal.'...but not actually re-instating the goal. The Oil lost in overtime. [and btw if they miss out on the playoffs by one friggin point...grrr....HELL...TO...PAY]

On Friday, a dissallowed goal...and....yeah, you guessed it. At least they were able to score again and win that game.

So basically. I fucking hate the video goal judge. Is no one else concerned that the Oilers were playing away games both times and the judge is convieniently located at the opposing team's coliseum and lives in the opposing team's city? How about that the final call is made by someone in Toronto--who likely is forlorn that the Leafs likely wont make into the playoffs... and maybe doesnt want to be the only Canadian team with that dishonour? Something to think about.

But seriously, they say they cant make a conclusive reading on where the puck was... and I think. Ohhh? Where could it be? Its not on the ice? Its not in the air? Where oh where could it be? Maybe in the giant glove of the goalie? Which is CLEARLY over the goal line? Wait. If we are guessing that...then its not "conclusive". I wish lawyers could use that reasoning: Obviously my client didnt shoot him....where's the bullet? We cant see it. The shooting is not conclusive.

Whew. Im getting riled up now. I should stop before I put my fist thru the computer screen. Anyhoo...Go Oilers go.

I did my acting on Saturday. I was a cartoon character. Ill post pictures if anyone took any. It didnt make the local news, as promised, so I will have to wait for another day before Im discovered.

I am an Actor. I act.

Well, I will be this Saturday at this big media/community/ event called "Law Day" at the Calgary Courthouse.

Every year they open the courthouse so people can go thru it and gawk at everything, see the holding cells, libraries etc. [which, people, really arent that exciting] and be like 'Whoa dems lawyers is faaaan-cy!' And to amuse children while their parents are reminising about that time they had to appear because of a parking ticket/DUI/wife beating charge, they stage this "children's trial". Yours truly will be portraying "Ms. Right" a holier than thou attorney for the Plaintiff in a lip syncing/ American Idol rip off contest.

Anyhoo. I just read the script. Its not too bad, except its in rhyming couplets. So no matter how hard i try...I will sound and feel like a dork. So Ive decided to 'dork it up' to the best of my ability. I will over act so bad it will make Andie McDowell look Oscar worthy! I am Iron Nerd! [Ive had Iron Man by Black Sabbath in my head for like 3 days now, btw.]

Hey Kids, the Easter Bunny comes in like a week! [unless you are Jewish...then you have to do with Dancing Matzo bread instead. Do you think the person who wrote that cartoon knew that they were gay icons? I doubt it. I may go visit my sister in E-town next weekend...but only if my parents are out of town. I know that sounds awful but, yeah.

The track is open this weekend! Holy Fuck! I just realised that! Which means I better start researching for who will win the Kentucky Derby this year. [ last 2 years I have come away with some nice cash from Smarty Jones and Afleet Alex]. I also have to start planning the "last birthday party ever" [its #29] which I hope to have at the track.

Im in a very Springtime mood now. Maybe I should go buy a flowery dress or spring bonnet or pastel shoes or something. Haha. Yeah, like that will happen.

This post was extremely random.

Has she lost her mind?
Can she see or is she blind?
Can she walk at all
Or if she moves will she fall?
Is she alive or dead?
Has she thoughts within her head?
We'll just pass her there
Why should we even care?

[those are lyrics from Iron Man, in case you were wondering)

Yes, yes I do love Chuck Norris

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

They call me Juicy, too.

I was watching this show called Playmakers last night and I enjoyed it...its about football players who smoke crack, beat their wives and sleep with whores. So its almost a reality TV show.

Anyways, this one dude met this slutty girl in a bar, started making out with her, then she starting snorting tons of coke of which she immediately began to OD. The football guy was all "Man! Dont let Juicy die! They call her Juicy! Do you know what kind of girl has a nickname like Juicy!?"

Im not sure what he meant. Can some one please tell me what kind of girl has a nickname like Juicy?

Last night I was on the guest list to go see this band Metric. They are Canadian and kick ass. However, my internal organs decided to go at war with each other [ I wont elaborate, but it involved a lot of sitting on a toilet] last night and i ended up staying home. So Im cool enough to get on a guest list...but too big a loser to actually leave my house.

My dog kept me up again last night. I have no idea why hes been doing this lately. He constantly moves his bed around the room, goes to the kitchen, comes back to the room, moves his bed around, groans, licks his dink for a while, then sleeps for 10 minutes...only to get up and do it again. If I tell him to lay down or be quiet, he jumps up and sticks his face in mine and stares at me for a while which wagging his tail madly. Its hard to be pissed at him, but fuck, i need sleep.

I also could use a drink. Work is intense this week. Im losing my mind. But what else do you expect from a girl named Juicy.

Analyze this one...

So if you fall asleep while flipping between watching Project Runway and Dead Like Me and listening to your dog snorting in his sleep, you will have a dream as follows:

- Fashion designer in Paris

- having tea with a sexy british grim reaper named Mason

-while snorting a sugar bowl filled with cocaine. [like the whole bowl, my face was completely submerged]

And I just kept thinking "How will I get out my Spring line...when I can't feel my hands?"

On a slurpee high

Im in a better mood now-- thanks to an adjournment and a Hotdog and Slurpee combo from 7-11. So now I feel like writing about my weekend.

Ever been in a conversation and you wish that you could close your eyes and dissappear? And the other person would be mid sentence and be like "oh where did Juicy go". I had one of those yesterday.

Jer's Mom: I want to talk to you about planning your wedding
Juicy: Whaaaa?
JM: I want to be a part of your wedding and hope that you will allow me that
Juicy: No. seriously. Whaaa? There isnt any wedding...at least for quite some time....waaaay down the road...
JM: How far down the road?
Juicy: Many kilometres. Many Many kilometres
JM: Well you both are getting to that age and....
Juicy: Well, there is nothing planned right now and...I dont..I mean we havent...awww fuck...
JM: Where did Juicy go? She was right here?!

Did I mention that Jer was standing next to me during this exchange and said nothing? Yeah. I guess this is the result of the faux wedding picture we took when we were in the Dominican. I still maintain that its a funny joke.

I finally watched WifeSwap and I can understand why all of you are so worked up by that show. There are some fucked people out there. And yes, I saw the episode with the sideshow people and the rich bitch and her gino hubby. [guess who i related to the best...] I still think Im more addicted to those Nanny 911 and Super nanny shows. I dont know why. [I cant believe i just admitted that i watch those shows...well i do. Daily. Get on that motherfucking naughty mat, bitch.]

I also saw some "Sweet 16" show on MTV2 yesterday and realised that there is a reason why there are so many fucked adults in the world-- they started as fucked teens whose parents indulged them in all of their stupid shit. Seriously, do you need to rent a nightclub for your spoiled daughter's party? Does she absolutely need a helicopter to lower her into the party? And this was for Skee-Lo's daughter...remember him? He had a song out in 1995? I wish i was little bit taller...i will i was a baller... Anyways, I cant imagine my parents spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a 16th bday on me. And I dont think Id want it. If I remember correctly for my 16th I got my license, bought a car, and tried to stay the hell away from them.

Have you ever seen a "aqua massager" at like a flea market or trade show? If you do, try it. They rule. Its like this big coffin where you lay down and this pulsating water goes up and down your back...except there is a layer of plastic between you and the water so you dont get wet. Anyways. Its good. And every slack jawed yokel and hillbilly in the place [which at the Calgary Flea Market, is quite a lot] will come over and gawk. Its pretty good. Whoa! Lookit all that a water!

Fucking Monday

Man you know its going to be a capital S SHITTY week when you get into work at 835 and there are 2 clients waiting in your office literally foaming at the mouth about shit and you have to calm them the fuck down...and you havent even had a cup of coffee yet.

My assistant is on vacation this week..so i totally know that all the shit is going to hit the fan over then next 5 days. Bullshit i tells ya.

My weekend, actually, was pretty okay. Im not going to say it was great, cuz Id be lying. I really hate the flames. I really do. At least it was nice out.

I dont even know if im making any sense right now. I got approx 2 hrs of sleep last night due to a combination of Jer not going to bed until 4 am...and then being a bed hog when he did get to bed...and the fact that my greyhound has decided that he is a nocturnal animal who needs to play at 5 am. I think i could literally fall asleep on my desk right now.

Id go home but 1. My clients are insane and 2. I think i would throttle the dog and boyfriend.

I actually planned a post today too... but i dont have the energy to type it. Ug.