Reflections of a Birthday weekend

Ok, so remember when I told you about me possibly getting reported to the Law Society? Ohhhhyeah baby. Ive been reported and they had to 'open a file' on yours truly. Which makes me think: Cinders-- What are we going to call the ice cream/soup stand again? I need to start advertising.

So my weekend. It was crazy. Drugs were consumed. Drinks were drank. I got laid. The perfect 'birthday weekend' [ since when did one have an entire birthday week? Not that Im complaining]

Friday started with seeing X3. Now, Juicy loves the X-men. She likes to pretend that she is one all the time. And I, generally, like the X-men movies. But to be honest, I really cant remember the storyline of X3. Something about Jean as The Phoenix. Other than that, Id say I liked that they had Shadowcat and Collossus in the movie, but really annoyed that Nightcrawler wasnt in it. That dude totally rules. And no Havoc or Gambit, yet. I can totally go on here, but Im not going to totally geek out for your amusement.

How many times have I written 'totally'?

Saturday Jer and I went to Ryan Smyth's hometown of Banff to relax and play. We stayed at this amazing hotel with its own hot pool and with this great mountain view.





Thats not Wolverine, but the resemblance is uncanny

We watched the Oilers game. And got drunk at the bar at the hotel called "The Bear's Den"...you could get another shot of booze for 1.99 in your drinks if you asked for "Bear Sized". After every bear sized drink you had to roar and make bear claws with your hands. Rawr. Well, you didnt have to, but we thought it was pretty funny. The waitress pretty much hated us.



This is when they were shaking hands with the Ducks. Yep, I was crying still.

Then we went caaaaaraaaazy!







This picture is after Jer made a stinky in the bathroom and, being that there was no fan in the bathroom, he decided to use a blowdryer. Hes also on the phone with his friend telling him that he just took a poop.

We ended up going to a dance bar called 'The Aurora' which was filled with 19 yr old girls, sleazy 35 yr old men, and approx. 25 000 people on stags/stagettes. It was pretty bad...but also super funny. I guess the booze and drugs really helped on that one.

The next day we checked out and then snook back into the hot pool to eat breakfast...except a damn squirrel stole mine.



Jackass

We spent the rest of the day touring around town and taking pictures like tourists. We were also looking to buy Jer the ultimate in wolf shirts...but were sad to see that none of the wolves looked majestic enough for his liking.



I know. We're horrible.

On the way home we stopped on the side of the road, found bushes and humped like bunnies. Or bears. Rawr.

Now back to work. Hopefully I wont get written up again today.

OILERS WIN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP!!

I have been in a daze about it since Saturday.

I cried when it happened.

I still cant believe it.



Ive been playing hooky from work since Friday and am super busy. I plan to give the highlights from the weekend when i have the chance. And it was quiiiiite the weekend.

Until then...a picture of me in a sombrero drinking tequila on my birthday...

HNT: Birthday suit

When I was in grade one, my mom bought me this pink pantsuit for my birthday. I ran around all day telling teachers and other grown ups that i was dressed in my 'birthday suit'. I didnt understand why they thought that was so funny.

This is my other birthday suit. Doesnt look half bad. Seems to fit well...and no wrinkles to be found.

To see what other people are [or are not] wearing, go check out Osbasso's site

Vingt- Neuf

29.

Ug.

Does it feel so bad because its the end of a decade? And I remember the start of it? Cuz 19 doesnt feel bad cuz you can barey remember 10. ( Except that you remember that turning 10 was pretty cool cuz it was double digits.)

I know that in this day and age 29 is still pretty hip happening and fun ( as opposed to the pre-Sex in the City years) but just something about it is full of suck. Do 29 year olds watch cartoons? Do they take their BMX to the skatepark? Do they cry when the Oilers win a series cuz they are so happy? [yes-- it happened. i almost cried last night when they won too] Do they stay up to 4 am doing illicit substances and then sleeping til 2pm?

This 29 year old will.

And now, so i can reflect back on it for the year-- my internet 'If today's your birthday' horoscopes...


NY POST: Friends, family and even total strangers will give you plenty of advice over the coming 12 months, and much of it will be good advice, but if your inner voice tells you to do the opposite of what they suggest you must follow that call without a moment's hesitation. Deep down you already know what needs to be done.

CANOE: Happy Birthday: Your ability to move with the times and jump from one thing to another will impress people who can further your plans this year. New and interesting ways of doing things will be easily incorporated into what you want to accomplish. Build your base solidly; this is not the year to scrimp. Your numbers are 3, 11, 23, 24, 30, 42 You are aggressive and progressive. You are a leader, compelled to follow your heart and your dreams. You are determined, calculating and competitive.

ASTROLOGY.COM: New developments in your love life and your finances are sure to pepper your year with surprises. Your appetite for pleasure is strong. A tight square between Venus and Mars in your Solar Return suggests that your affections are powerfully stimulated, and you are more acutely aware of your needs for love and sex this year. Romance, love, and sexuality occupy your mind more than usual. You can enjoy an increase in personal magnetism (as well as libido!), but be wary of competitiveness or tension in existing love relationships, as this aspect ignites your passions in general, whether they‘re feelings of love or anger! Your passions are aroused in all areas -- sensuality, food, comfort, pleasure, material goods, and so forth. Mercury sits at the midpoint of Venus and Mars, suggesting that you may quickly fall in love with someone or with an activity or cause. Much communication with lovers, as well as creative opportunities, are likely. There may also be a phone-based or online romance that is significant and that impacts your life.

And now... self portraits taken at midnight to erm 'celebrate' my birthday



'tongue action' baby!



do these look like a 29 yr olds abs to you?



Digit thinks ive lost it.

Oilers lead the series 2-0

So Im back...not that i actually went anywhere. I totally have long weekend hangover right now-- y'know when you look back and are all reminiscent about what you did...what you never got around to doing...and really just decide that you shoulda gotten more sleep and drank less/took less drugs.

Yes, drugs. If you havent heard my rendition of 'Just' by Radiohead while stoned...well, its convieniently located just south of this post. Luckily I didnt audioblog later that night when I was so fucked up that I couldnt taste the gin in my very strong gin and tonic--all i could taste was that it was cold. I took enough of certain substances that I was wide awake until 5am grinding my teeth and pacing around the living room. I was also pretty fucked up by what happened to my race horse, Barbaro, at the Preakness. [ I did , however, still win some money on the horse who came in 2nd]

We also had a little BBQ/ Oilers party on Sunday night. We brought the TV out into the yard, invited over the gang and proceeded to mix up some drinks and cheer on the mighty oil to another victory. [game 3 goes tonight and I am certain that there will be more cause for celebration soon after]

So other than being stoned, wasted or fucked up, I spent a large chunk of the weekend doing housework. On Saturday I gardened. We have tomato plants and herbs. Im super pumped. On Sunday and Monday I steam cleaned the carpets. Fuck. Those chemicals alone are enough to give you the shakes. Im sure I killed more brain cells on that then with the blow.

Today is the last day of being 28. Meh.

No, actually, Im going to take a little hiatus from blogging for the next few days. An extended long weekend, if you will. Ill be back on Tuesday to bitch, complain, and amuse you all. [and the complain about turning 29, i imagine]

ps. How about them oil? Going to the Western Conference final and going to kick some ass!

pps. Anaheim...you're next!!!

Epilogue

This is what my horoscope read yesterday:

Just let things take their course today. You can't control what you can't control.

It's time to face the facts -- this person just couldn't get it together. It's disappointing but understandable. Learn to forgive and forget. In the future, this partnership will work out beautifully.

He tells me that it was harmless email flirting with an ex that went too far. It hurts me, disgusts me, and infuriates me. But I'll believe him. And all talk of this will end now.

an email entitled "How YOU Doin?"

telling a girl hes "looking for a good time"

and subsequently that "he could use more girls squealing while he gives them the high hard one" after she asks how the single life is treating him.

while i was at the gym with my personal trainer

and he called my phone a minute later

please tell me it doesnt look like what i think it does.

please tell me im overreacting

Happy May 16th...

who knew? Thanks Natalie Dee

10 minute babble of a post

"The Sharks are not just in trouble. They are in international distress. " Mark Purdy , the San Jose Mercury-News.

Sorry, I had to start with that. Its been making me giggle all day. Work has, unfortunately, been getting in the way of my blogging/commenting/ and generally being a lazy ass while at work. There has been so much for me to blog about, but no time to do it. I guess real life is so exciting that i cant make time to blab about it. Thats kinda cool. Im still working on the post-keg party post as my memory tries to grasp exactly what i meant to say on that slip of paper. Im just going to blab out as much as possible in the next 10 minutes before my next meeting.

Here is something i need to blog for posterity. I had a dream a couple of nights ago about owning racehorses. Actually, one specific race horse, a filly named Bally Pally, who was racing in The Hambletonian Stakes and won. The dream was so vivid that i had to google that name to see if the horse existed...or if i just need to remember it so someday I will buy a Standardbred Trotter, name her Bally Pally, and enter her in one of the most elusive races for trotters, and then win.

I do plan on owning racehorses one day, but never thought about trotters. In case you dont watch racing, trotters= the ones with the little carts behind them. In my dream I kept doing interviews about how all my other horses were named "Juicy's ____" and she was the only one who wasnt[ and yes, I do plan on naming all my horses "Juicy's ____".] Anyways, keep your eye on that race and maybe in a few years you'll see a horse named Bally Pally...bet on her to win, mmmkay? [Fun fact: there is no Bally Pally...but Ally Pally is the nickname of the place where the BBC is shot in England. Hmmm. I had no idea]

Digit started school yesterday. I think hes going to be the problem child who needs to sit at the back of the class because hes disrupting the students who might actually learn something.

I accidentally sprayed po-pourri air freshener on myself this morning. Three people have commented on my lovely perfume. Why its Glade Boysenberry! I just realised i hate the word po-pourri...especially when Alex Trebec says it on Jeopardy!.

Its really nice out today and Im dying not having a window.

Its my birthday really soon. Blah.

I might have to go out of town for Court tomorrow. Double Blah.

Times up. Laters.

Oilers win 6-3 (again!) and lead the series 3-2

Im glad that my constant talk about the Oilers has had a beneficial purpose-- to make Clairebell out-hockey Senor C--and not just bore the living shit out of my regular readers who dont really care/ know anything about hockey. Honestly, though, my blog is supposed to be an online representation of what Im really like and anyone who knows me in the real world will confirm that all I really do lately is obsess about hockey, Americas Next Top Model, and not getting fat.

So anyways, I went to a keg party for Jer's hockey team on Saturday, got stupid drunk, danced a lot, and then passed out. I didnt make it home until 730 am-- which is why there was no deeelightful drunk post from yours truly complete with caps lock, redundancy, and extreme spelling errors. I also didnt have my phone with me for an audio post. However, always thinking of the blogging public, I, at some point in time, wrote this note on the back of a vodka receipt of points to bring up on my blog. [i just tried to scan it into my computer, it didnt work, so ill transcribe instead]

Party -- epic video game type battle

sausage party plus fat sluts?!

shitty beer, this vodka is strong

latino girls = "voluptuos" its not her fault

new Aces-- short guy "closer to the ice to kick ass"; walked in on dude peeing

I guess that just says it all. I have no idea what the thing about latino girls is about. That vodka was pretty strong and all.

Oilers Tie the Series!!!

Recipe for a good time:

1. Vodka
2. Ice Cream Sandwiches
3. Friday night
4. Two days until back at work
5. OILERS WIN THE GAME 6 TO 3 AND TIE THE SERIES AT HOME!

Shake well.

Add more vodka, if necessary.

HNT Free

Sorry, I didnt play this week. As some of you might have noticed, Im an Oilers fan and the game went into TRIPLE over time last night... didnt end until after 1230. And although the brilliant goal by my sweet baby Shawn Horcoff would normally cause me to whoop in the air, run around the house and want to pose semi nude for the camera.... but last night i just wanted to go to bed.

Work is killing me slowly. [ i wish it was killing me softly cuz i really dug the Fugees] Its like all my clients have gone insane. Yesterday at about 330 I seriously considered quitting my job, profession, and running away. I spent a good 20 minutes thinking about how great my life would had been if i hadnt gone to law school. Sigh. No arrogant lawyers calling me...no crazy ladies asking me if ill sue the government for them... no clients deciding last minute that they wont let their kids see their dads this weekend because "it sounds like its going to rain"...no more trying to care about peoples bullshit. Pure fucking unadulterated valhalla.

But Ive only been doing this a few years...i cant quit now. I think i need to show that i hated it for at least 3 years before i can run away kicking and screaming.

Fuck. And now i need to go to court in 15 minutes. Blah. Maybe Ill go watch the Horcoff goal again to cheer me up.

Photodocumentary: My fridge

Once upon a time, back in high school, I used to put stuff that i thought was funny/weird/ridiculous up in my locker.

In University, I had a bulletin board above my desk.

Now-- I have the fridge. Its tacky. Its absurd. And if there would be an earthquake in Calgary tomorrow...and all that they could uncover in future archealogical digs was my fridge, they'd think we were a really fucked culture.



Lets zoom in on some of the best parts:

1. My "ode to blogland"



Thats the postcard that Cinders sent me-- its of a Texas Ranger. Just like Chuck. Awesome. Right above it is the sticker JJ sent me. Soooo many people have questioned me on it, by the way. Those are magnets of my nephews [James giving devil fingers and Sean wearing a bucket on his head] on either side.

2. A picture of me when I was 5 years old-- complete with pigtails, footsie pjs, and holding my teddy, spaghetti bear.



Awwwwww.
He was called Spaghetti bear cuz hes the colour of spaghetti. Duh.

3. Things that are funny when you are stoned



-"Marijuana tips" from the Grasshopper Coffee Shop in Amsterdam-- my fave is the one that says "Dont smoke marijuana with tobacco in it-- tobacco is bad for you" while the rest go on about how not to freak out while on weed.

-Chewbacca

-Dinosaur postcard Jer shoplifted from the Dinosaur museum when we were baked.

-Green crocodile head [wtf!?!]

4. Awesome magnets:



- Jesus



- Sally Dick and Jane [ it reads "Look look, says Sally, Look where I am pierced"]



-Vegas magnet [ from Cinders, again], Place I camped at in Rome Italy [ and got into a lot of sexual mischief], and Barbie's Shop [ where I used to try on S and M clothes]. There is also a card from flowers Jer bought me [awww]



-Mini Amsterdam [sex shop-coffee shop-tattoo shop]

So thats my fridge. Next week: The Oven. [ no not really...its pretty boring actually]

Shoes and other important things in life

Okay okay-- here is a pic of the shoes i bought.



I tried to do a wikked awesome photo post today, but blogger is being mental and wont let me. Jerks. It included me doing a pinup-girl-esque pose while wearing them. Stupid blogger. Ill try again later, I guess.

The Oilers. Oh the Oilers. Why do you hurt me so? You make me want to lay down and cry and hit something until it bleeds both at the same time.

I think i have had PMS now for a week straight.

I just spilled a cup of coffee all over an Affidavit before i filed it. Nice. Im professional.

Serious, though. Great shoes, huh?

Welcome To Have Fun!

I went to go play Tobby, but it was gone and this was there instead.

Click the little pink circle next to it.

Then type whatever the words are. I really have no idea. Is it a typing game? Why is the robot so sad when i run out of time? What is supposed to happen? How can I "have fun" when im so confused! Oh the pink girl just did something. What? 91%?

How to spend the weekend feeling really attractive

Man oh man, I was the hottest person around this weekend. No, Im not being egotistical. Honestly I was. Ya see when you spend the weekend at the track, casino, and at a Comic Book and Sci-Fi Convention... its not a very high standard.

First: the track to watch the Kentucky Derby simulcast. Know how I mentioned that I do really well at the track and usually bring home some mad cash from playing the ponies? Yep. Its true. Last year it was Afleet Alex...two years ago Smarty Jones...this year I made my usual bet on a little undefeated colt named Barbero...and, yes, the sweet baby brought it home to mama. I won $426. Fuck. I almost puked i was so excited. The track rules.

Still though, one of the best parts of going to the track is observing the hobos and weird lookin people making their bets. [Id say its like a weirdo convention...but you will soon read that that was on Sunday.] Every time Jer left my side, I had some weird dude attempt to make small talk with me...or offer me betting tips [man of man was that toothless dude excited when he found out we like the same horse for the Derby]..or ask if I was riding any of the horses [WTF?]



Im holding 420 of the 426 --yes i know, Canadian money comes in funny colours--and pointing to Barbero in the program. Im also a little drunk.

Sunday, Jer and I went to the Comic Con. [does anyone remember Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con! Be there and be square! from the Simpsons? Yeah. Totally. There was a dude who even looked like Comic Book Store Guy there] As soon as I saw the first people playing with wooden samarai swords, I lost it. But when I saw the people dressed up...man oh man! I lost it.



He actually grabbed my ass.



Sandpeople!

But after i asked to take pictures with them, some of the dressed up guy [including the horny Stormtrooper] asked their friends to take pictures of them with me. Im sure somewhere a dude is posting the above picture and writing "Chicks dig Stormtroopers" under it.

After the fun and frivolity of Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con, we went to the casino. We didnt stay long cuz none of the asian senior citizens there looked like they were going to give their spot at the blackjack table any time soon.

Oh yeah, and I bought some awesome shoes with my winnings.

Picking scabs

I just realised that I do things that I know will piss me off. I read blogs of people I find obnoxious or self-righteous or egotistical just to get angry about how obnoxious or self-righteous or egotistical they are. [ and no.... if you are on the blogroll, you arent one of those people] Or I watch Extreme Makeover. Or read People magazine. Whats my problem, anyways. Im always going to hate Jessica Simpson-- so why do i read an article about her? To get angry. Thats why.

The funeral procession that has been Calgary the last few days is finally subsiding. People have taken down their little car flags, no one is wearing red ['cept me-- cuz i like red], and sportsbars are cancelling their 'playoff specials'. I think it may be safe for me to wear my jersey again.

I just danced in my office for 5 minutes. Im listening to this internet radiostation that plays hard house. It needed to be done. Irs Friday, its pretty outside and we're going for Margaritas for lunch [ its Cinquo de Mayo]. Sometimes office dancing is necessary.

Im making a list of things I want for my Bday. Im not one of those people who will start an Amazon wishlist, though. Its not my style. Maybe once I have it ready Ill post it though so some people [ read as: Jeremy] know what i want. Although he knows i really want this.

Countdown to the end...

[Attention like minded preverts: scroll down for HNT]


So I just realised that there are less than 3 weeks until my last Birthday. After this year, thats it. Finito. Done. No more.

Birthdays have never been that great for me, just look at last year's: puking for 3 days from smoking too much hash. And due to the fact that since Ive turned 27 I havent wanted to be any older [but let people celebrate my Bday anyways], there will soon be no reason to celebrate.

If you want to send me presents for the final big day, lemme know. I like presents.

Onto to other big news, Oilers and San Jose. I wont comment on-that-which-should-not-be-commented-on [read as: The Flames' loss to Anaheim] because its made pretty much every single person I speak to crabby. My boss is currently scowling in his office and refusing to take phone calls, and Jer has spoken about 7 words since it happened. [Being "Bye Sugar", "Hi Baby", "Yes" [ in response to whether Digi had gone out] and "For 210" [for when to set the alarm clock.]] Bah, Ive already said too much. New topic.

Kentucky Derby this weekend: Im still torn between 3 horses. Depends on how their breezes go tomorrow [ that means how fast they run around the track in practice] on who i will bet the requisite '$100 to win' that ive done for the last 3 years. No, Im not saying who the 3 are. And Im not giving up my secrets on how i pick my horse. I have a knack for winning at the track and this year aint going to be any different. I could really use the cash, too.

Half Nekkid Thursday #23: Kiss Kiss

A big kiss 'goodbye' to the Red Wings for losing to my beloved Oilers in the first round...and an even bigger 'kiss my ass' to the San Jose Sharks ] who they will play next round.

Go Oilers Go!!

New to HNT? Never heard of it? What are you? A dork? Go talk to Os right now!

[p.s. I hate lurkers who dont comment]

more bitchin

Just got a call from another lawyer in town. Apparently a former client of mine who backed out of an agreement that I negotiated is claiming that i forced her to sign it, never told her what she was signing, and [naturally cuz i hear this one 20 times a day] over charged her to negotiate.

I am evil incarnate.

And they will likely be notifying the law society.

Maybe Ill get disbarred.

And then i can pursue my next career of Ninja Pirate Princess.

Blistering waves of fuck you

It seems everyone is trying to kill my oilers high.

Clients calling and yelling at me.

Other lawyers calling and yelling at me.

Random people calling and yelling at me. [ but seriously "i just didnt feel like opening the hand-delivered divorce documents" isnt a defence to why you didnt show up and had the Court rule against you.]

My bosses calling me into the principal's office to "discuss" why i had a shitty billing month last month. [which was shitty for me, too... i like my bonus. i dont like it when i dont get it. having to explain for it just makes it worse]

OILERS WIN IT IN 6!

I dont know what else there is to write.

At approx. 845 last night, an angel named Ales Hemsky descended from the heavens and placed a small piece of rubber in a net, evading 3 defencemen and a goalie to do such. [you can watch it here... Ive watched it about 20 times again this morning]

I went absolutely mental. I still barely have a voice from all the yelling last night. I called my nephew and he was going nuts too.

Im still too excited to grasp it. WHOOOO OILERS!

I may still be hungover

I could translate... but i think you got the gist-- I drank heavily, won a dance contest, and then proceeded to give drinks to Jer's underage cousins. I actually had no idea that i blogged that night. It was a little messy, to say the least. I dont know if that post came before or after i sprayed the bathroom in puke.

Today is going to suck. Im going to be really busy, plus its tax day. And i owe 1500 in taxes. Great.

Oil play tonite-- if they and the Flames both win now, they will be playing each other. Im going to have to move.