Fuck I need a weekend

To Do list for this Weekend:

1. Drink.

2. Do drugs.

3. Drink more.

4. Do Jeremy.




5. Drink more. Try not to trip over the dog. He seems to know when Im drunk and comes over and stands in my way. Then after petting him, I fall over him.

6. Bake pies-- apple and banana cream

7. Try to remember to call family



8. After calling family? More drugs. And Drinking.

9. Take many pictures. On Monday, realise that they arent things you want posted of yourself on the Internet....in case someone in the legal community ever finds this site

10. Get drunk. Post the pics anyways.

Sounds like a good plan.

...and finally, a Dutch farting pig cartoon



[thanks to Bliss]

Good times, Noodle salad

I know I promised retarded posts after my trial on Tuesday [ which went just okay, by the way] but Ive been hella swamped still. And then yesterday I found out one of my little work buddies was in a major car accident, which put me in a dour mood. So Im going to try to post today.

Here are some things that have been making me laugh lately [pics to follow when i remember my camera]:

1. The owner of the SmartCar on my street.

So, like those cars are what, 4 feet long? Yeah, so the chick on my block who has one is absolutely the most clueless driver and worst parker i have ever seen in my life. It takes her about 10 minutes and 5 tries to get her itty bitty car parallel parked into a spot large enough to house a Hummer pulling a horse trailer. Absolutely incompetant. And funny as bloody hell.

2. The Digit vs. Mr. Lobster

We went to a garage sale last week-- which in itself is hilarious. Normally, when I see a sign for a garage sale I say "hey honey, wanna go buy some crap?" and he answers "No". Well, last week we were in a more shi-shi part of town and he asked me if we could stop. And then proceeds to buy $5.00 worth of what could only be considered crap. Among the crap was this giant lobster/shrimp/crayfish toy for the dog.

So we walk into the house and dippy greyhound comes running over and rips this giant lobster out of my arms and starts ripping it apart, flipping it over, wrestling with it. It looked like a Japanese monster film-- I just needed someone yelling "Ahhhh The Digit! We must flee!" . Ten seconds later he has ripped the claws off and is eating tiny foam pellets from inside it, and the pellets are going alllll over the house too. I did my best to wrestle this giant thing away from him but as Im taking it outside, hes still pulling it. Anyways..I ll post the pictures. It was hilarious.

3. How creepy my gym has become:

Y'know how there is always someone walking around nekkid in the changeroom? Yeah, thats me. Well, at least it was. Ya see in the past few weeks my gym has been overtaken from the people who are working stiffs who just need to use the elliptical machine to work off that extra Bostom Cream they ate at coffee, to some bizzaro world nightclub where people do their hair and put on makeup before they go to work out. Its like one of those 1-900 chatline commercials...all these over coiffed people with good tans wandering around making small talk while pretending to lift weights or very slowly walk [ so as not to break a sweat] on the treadmill. My gym has become the biggest pick up joint in town.

And now to me and my nakedness. When I work out, I pretty much wear sweat pants and a wife beater. And not even overpriced yoga inspired name brand sweat pants. Im there to work out, not pick up. So before Id walk to the showers and be nude with impunity. No one really cared or anything. Everyone was just changing and then leaving. But now, the same people who scrutinize what kind of tankini you are wearing are also scrunizing the bodies of people in the gym. Like not just glancing and looking away. But actually staring. I dont know if its a comparison thing or if they just are shocked by the pieces of metal placed amongst my body parts, but its kinda weird to have people staring at your ass when all you want is to put on your clothes. People just hang out in the changeroom to watch other chicks. Its funny in a weird sense.

So there you are. I posted.

Random Internet shit: the fashion edition

Another day, another post of funny shit i saw on the internet.

Posting will return after my last trial this afternoon. Or Ill just go crazy and run away forever. You know that Diet Pepsi commercial where Parker Posey is going mental and dancing with Jimmy Fallon? Yeah. That will be me at 400 this afternoon.

Anyways: Carrot plus fashion ad = comedy



Too many yarmulkes around the home? Why not make them into something stylish!?!

c1@LIS? v1AGRa? mAKE HER SOME BETTER SEX!

My spammer name is Solvate A. Bandstop.

Enter your name to get yours:

This is just to prove that Im apparently never too busy at work to not waste time on the Internet.

And now: A picture of Furby Jesus

Summer breeze, makes me feel fine...

[ i have that song in my head right now]

Today is one of those days where you just feel like making a tent out of blankets in your backyard, eating popsicles, and reading Archie comics. Oh Jughead! You sure love those hamburgers, dont you!

Im in weekend hangover mode-- not really from drinking either. But just from doing too much shit and not laying around enough.

Friday night Jer and I partied with his hockey team again...went to some scumbag bar...got drunk and obnoxious...ate the Chicken Fried Steak Combo at Denny's [ I totally recommend it, but make sure you ask for extra gravy]..and passed out. As my last post suggested, yeah, our cabbie was trying to tell us that Canada is horribly unpopulated and people like us should start having babies. I believe the words he used were 'build the foundation'. Weird. Last week a cabbie kicked us out for holding harnds.

I spent a majority of Saturday watching an Ultimate Fighting Championship marathon. Fuck I love that shit. Dude 1 is into Ninjitsu and Street fighting; Dude 2 is a classically trained wrestler who won a gold medal in the last olympics. 5 minutes later, Olympic guy is dislocating street fighter's shoulder. There is so much blood on them both that their hands are slipping and you cant read the shitty tattoos on his back. Now thats friggin entertainment!

Sunday we went to the manmade lake in Calgary, Sikome Beach. Dumbass here decided she was above sunscreen and now im friggin burned. So i tried to cover up my red face this morning, and now i look like a corpse covered in makeup by an undertaker.

I also watched a few David Spade movies. And not that i planned it that way either. We rented a bunch of movies last week that neither of us had seen and Dickie Roberts Child Star was one of them. It was just ok. Then yesterday we hit up the cheap theatre and watched The Benchwarmers, which was actually pretty good.

Seriously though, I really dont feel like working today. I need a day to just hang out. I feel like Im back in Elementary school and its the first week of summer vacation. I want to eat sugary cereal, watch the Price is Right, and run through the sprinkler.

- the trial today was super shit

- the accident i was in has become something reported to the cops

-http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/news_story/?ID=169528&hubname=nhl [ i cant even say what that told me]

-the cabbie on the way home from the bar wants me and jer to have babies [ yeah-- i dontget it either]

im going to sleep for 20 days

Typo of the year award goes to....

I just realised that the document I sent to be filed this morning said it was according to section 17 of The Land Titties Act instead of the Land Titles Act.

Either I need stronger contact lenses, more coffee, or to stop watching so much porn.

[no, I dont watch porn. that much.]

Its a Fishy Miracle

This is Kingsley. I got him in February 2005. He's lived at 2 different houses, my workplace, and been babysat at the homes of many of my friends. On Friday I noticed he wasnt looking too well. He was on his side...had a crooked back...and not moving too much. He hadnt been looking well for a few weeks, and I thought he was done.

I scooped him into a little plastic container for him to live out his last moments. We at the office said some nice words about him and wished him well in Fishy Heaven. But I couldnt flush him. He was still [barely] moving around and I couldnt pull the little Siamese Fighting Fish plug.

The little bugger is still alive. Swimming around the plastic container and trying to get out. He looks the best he has in months.

P.S. Im still wearing orange and blue today

When I was logging in, you know that page that says 'blogs recently updated'--there was one there that was called 'Fat Girl Triathelete'. I didnt go to the page, but I giggled uncontrollably at the thought. Fat girl on a bike...fat girl swims...fat girl runs...fat girl finishes 3 days later.

Okay, that was mean. And if the real fat girl triathelete finds my page, then I wasnt talking about you, per se. A cartoonish version of you maybe, but not you. Like that Cathy comic strip...people liked that, right? Awww, fuck. Maybe Im just in the mood to get in a fight. Yeah, Blubbo, I was talking about you. Bitch.

So thanks to everyone's kind thoughts about the mighty Oil. Especially to 'someone' who bought me blue, orange and white flowers yesterday. I guess the worst part still is that I live in Calgary--and the people who were wearing oilers colours and waving little car flags on Monday are now making jokes about how they suck and have always sucked. The bandwagon jumpers have successfully jumped off and landed in Flames town. Im sure people will be putting their flames car flags back on any day now.

Now that I dont have half my life revolving around playoff hockey, I can return to going to the gym more often and watching reality TV. Dang, there are some weird ass shit shows on right now. Everything has become a contest-- singing, dancing, losing weight, fighting, modelling, making people laugh. I really think that a less murderous version of the Running Man will be on soon. Although I guess the murdering was the best part. I sure hope former governor 'The Body' Ventura will be on it. Or maybe a fat girl triathelete.

Whenever I think about the Running Man, I think about Logan's Run. Fuck that movie rules.

The day after

sigh.

I havent listened to my audio post. I know what i will sound like and I dont really want to re-live it.

I couldnt watch them present the cup. I couldnt watch everyone shake hands. I just wanted to drink. And for them to go away.

Immediately after the game I thought about how excited my nephews were about the game and how sad they'd be now. Ive seen 5 cups...they havent.

Next year maybe?

And now: The drinking away of sorrows...

Its all down to game 7...

How am I supposed to work today?

All I keep thinking is oilersoilersoilersoilersoilers

Ten hours until the game starts. The big game. Someone will be getting the 'Cup tonite...and I think its going to be us. The perfect end to a fairytale that we've been living: narrowly making the playoffs...beating the President's Cup winner...beating the team with the best scorers in the league...being down 3-1... in the final... We'll I shouldnt jinx it, so Ill stop there. But I think, either way, every Oiler fan is pretty damned proud of them right now and regardless of how the game ends, will continue to be proud of them tonight.

Im tearing up. I better stop this.

The weekend ended up being pretty crazy-- I partied with Jer's hockey team on Friday and immediately felt like I was back in highschool. Drinking cheap drinks and crappy shooters and watching a bunch of boys try to pick up girls and, failing such, then try to pick fights. Too funny. The night ended with us going home, super wasted and unable to get through to Domino's Pizza. So we barbecued. Drunken BBQs are really just an accident waiting to happen.



It also rained a lot. My car has never been cleaner. These children also took the opportunity to use the rain for something useful-- a shower. I watched them run around in their swimtrunks and umbrellas for quite some time. Yeah, they'll prolly catch colds now, but dang, they were having a blast.

Yeah, I cant think of anything else to blog about. Too distracted.

oilersoilersoilersoilersoilers

Sometimes it does feel like Im locked in a trailer...

There is actually a worse way to wake up than from the squawking of birds outside-- listening to the dog go to town on his privates. He just WOULD- NOT- STOP- LICKING-THEM. Eventually, we had to banish him from the bedroom. But seriously, are they soo tasty that you have to do it for over an hour? At 600am?

Yes, I just blogged about my dog licking his own dick. Deal with it.

Speaking of dealing with it [good segue-- that guy on Last Comic Standing really was funny, wasnt he?], I did something yesterday which I swore I would never do. I did it, survived it, and maybe even enjoyed it too.... I went to a vegetarian restaurant. Now, as you may guess, we didnt know it was sans-meat when we went there..and it was only until after we ordered our drinks that i saw that it had 'vegetarian cuisine' written on the top of the menu. [I still poured over the menu, though, looking for something with bacon or chicken added]

It was east indian cuisine and yeah, you can make a chick pea or a potato taste pretty good when its covered in chutney and curry. However, on the way home, I had to buy a pound of chuck roast and eat it raw to re-meatify myself. [no i didnt...but what a great image, hey?]

Speaking of meat [ uhh, that one wasnt as seamless] I have another brief due on Tuesday that I need to work on. I cant escape...this cartoon said it all to me this morning [thanks to Married to the Sea ]



(read what the guy in the top right panel is saying... just click to see it bigger)

Speaking of briefs....

Oilers won last night
Digit learning to listen
Now...just piss off rain

Ive been drafting this brief for the last 2 days and I am officially going mental.

Yeeeearrrrg.

I wonder if people looking for panty shots are dissapointed that thats not the brief i mean...

HNT: If I close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, and concentrate...

... Im here.




It may appear that Im sitting in an office in Calgary...and its raining...and work is super busy, but you are totally wrong. Im really on the beach right now.

And boy oh boy do i need a Pina Colada!

For more people and more nekkidness, go see Os

[posted super uber early because Blogger has thwarted my attempts to play the HNT game the last 2 weeks]

So awesome I couldnt even make it up...

A scientology inspired NASCAR team. Take that, Xenu!

What am I, a preteen or something?

I feel like there is something that I am waiting for. But really, theres nothing.

Y'know that feeling like theres 2 weeks til schools done... one week until holidays...47 days until the start of something... Yeah, like that. But, honestly, there is nothing. I liked how school was only for 8 months, then 4 months of working, then another 8 months of school. I was always looking forward to something. Somehow a week of vacation every 6 months aint cutting it.

I decided while dressed in my retarded barristers robes yesterday that I need to act more wonky when Im not working, to make up for the fact that my job is hella lame and boring the living christ out of me. I dont know how Im going to do that. Maybe it means dressing more slutty, hanging out with transvestites, or running around with a sign that says 'The End is Near' or something. I dunno. I dont know if its the weather, I dont know if its the Oilers, and I dont know if its PMS, but Im seriously morose lately. I feel like I should be writing bad poetry and posting it on myspace.

I got free meat yesterday. Thats actually pretty cool.

Im so very bored,

I want something to happen,

That free meat was cool.

Deputy Glitters

Today is dragging out so very very long. Groan.

Here is something that has been rotting away as a 'draft' for months...I updated it.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5am.Fucking birds.
2. Diamonds or pearls? rubies
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? X3
4. What's your favorite TV show(s)? The Office , Curb Your Enthusiasm, Top Model, Project Runway
5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Coffee, Slim Fast shake
6. What's your favorite cuisine? Japanese..but fave foods are hotdogs, fried chicken, ice cream sandwiches along with sushi.
7. What foods do you dislike?Raisins, parsnips, Brussel Sprouts
8. What is your favorite chip flavor?Jalapeno
9. What's your favorite CD at the moment? Currently: Metric, Shout it Out...of all time: Verve, Urban Hymns
10. What kind of car do you drive? VW Jetta named Obi Wan Volknobi
11. Favorite sandwich? Po Boy
12. What characteristics do you despise?vanity and boastfulness [the greeks would say "Hubris"].
13. What is your favorite type of clothing? evening gowns [ im serious]
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? I hear Fiji is pretty cool
15. What color is your bathroom? this horrible orange-beige that Jer wont let me change
16. Favorite brand of clothing? MissSixty
17. To where would you retire? Caye Caulker, Belize...in fact if i was to ever go missing...look there
18. Favorite time of the day? On workdays: At noon, cuz the phone stops ringing; otherwise when I get home and Jer and Digi are soooo happy to see me
19. Your most memorable birthday? My 25th [ doing e and dancing all night] and my 26th [drunk in Firenza, Italia]
20. Where were you born? Edmonton... City of Champions
21. Your favorite sport to watch? Uhhh, hockey?
22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? well Im not emailing it actually
23. Person you expect to send it back first? ditto
25. Are you named after anyone? No.
26. Do you wish on stars? Just the big red one under my armpit
27. When did you last cry? Yesterday.
28. Do you like your handwriting? fuck yeah.
29. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Sure, for some reason people seem to like me.
30. Are you a daredevil? Used to be a lot more-- something about missing work to have jaws wired shut and legs kept in traction arent as appealing to me any more.
31. Do looks matter? They help
32. How do you release anger? I used to kick box...now i just hit the gym or watch cartoons
33. Where is your second home? Where is my first one?
34. What were your favorite toys as a child? Gingie the Cabbage Patch Show Pony [and yes, i still have her] and Spaghetti Bear
36. Do you use sarcasm a lot? when dont i?
37. Favorite movies? Trainspotting, Run Lola Run, The Big Lebowski
38. What are your nicknames? juicy [duh], Lola, Moogle
39. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? only my gym shoes. I dont know why.
40. Do you think that you are strong? physically: maybe a little; emotionally: nope; willed: hells yeah
41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Espresso
42. What are your favorite colors? Red
43. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Im a stress case
44. Who do you miss the most? Best friends Toronto, Vancouver and Gay [ they all live too far away, sniff]
45. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? see #22
46. What color pants are you wearing? stripey
47. What are you listening to right now? Shirley and Beth are both talking on the phone
48. Last thing you ate?Mentos
49. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be? violet-- when i was a kid i thought it was funny to put an 'n' in there so it read 'violent'. i was weird
50. Last person you talked to on the phone? Some dude wanting free legal advice. Wanker.
51. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? If they are wearing a ring...then their shoes
52. Favorite Drink? booze
53. Do you wear contacts? Yes
54. Favorite Day of the Year? Dec 31 [ excuse to drink-- like i need one...]
55. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Can't you have both?
56. Summer or winter? Summer, hands down.
57. Hugs OR Kisses? humping, please
58. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Ice cream sanwiches... i talk about them constantly
59. What Book(s) Are You Reading? I just finished 'Honey Dont'. Nothing else on the go...
60. What's On Your Mouse Pad? it says 'Dell'
61. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Top Model
62. Favorite Smells? fried chicken
63. Rolling Stones or Beatles? beatles

Ive decided to post titles that have little to nothing to do with the post...but are relevant to something im thinking about. A cookie to whoever figures it out.

Dreary

This morning I was in a minor car accident. Accident isnt even the word for it: i was in a car 'inconvienience'. Some dude in front of me pulled out into traffic...and then slammed on the brakes. I clipped his rear light. It was so minor I didnt even spill my coffee. We pulled over and Obi didnt even have a scuff or a scratch on him. His car had a crack in its rear light. Barely noticeable. I gave him my phone number and told him to call with a quote. I wasnt too concerned. Just a shitty way to start the day.

Im not commenting on the Oilers except to say that I still love them and I always will. Isnt that the same thing that mothers of serial killers say about their children after the body is found in their fridge? "I cannot comment on Timmy's killing spree and the bodies of the decapitated nuns in his garage...but I will say that I still love him and always will".

I had my work evaluation and no, i didnt get fired. [Keep in mind, the last 2 I had at lawyer jobs I WAS fired...] I was, however, reprimanded for coming in a consistent 20 minutes late each morning and for openly hating drop in appointments [ apparently im supposed to 'welcome' new clients and see them for the marketing potential. meh.]

I need something un-shitty to happen to me. [ thats the topic sentence, body, and concluding sentence of that paragraph...nothing else needs to be said]

I had a dream about what horse to bet on in the Belmont. I awoke saying his name, which is kinda cool cuz at the time I didnt know which horses were running in the Belmont. Maybe Ill win a shit load on him this Saturday. That'd be cool.

Mmmmkay, still pretty dreary here. Check this out for a laugh. Type your name in and it will say what your name is in Russian [thats what the cyrillic type around the box says] Its SFW, but its pretty loud, so turn your voulume down first.

Juicy's Dog gets an F

( congrats to anyone who knows the above reference and why its so damned funny and accurate.... a hint, its from the Simpsons)

The Digit is in training right now...well, in theory at least. Yesterday we spent a full hour of me stading holding a leash, and him staring at the door at class. All the other dogs were lying down on command, coming when called, etc. And the Digit stared at the door. Our instructor suggested that if he doesnt respond next class, I should move him into the remedial class. Yep, thats right. Digit will ride the short bus.

And now: My statement on the current situation of the Oilers. Roli's not returning for the rest of the series. I havent been so upset/nauseous/angry/sad at the same time since I saw footage of Barbaro breaking his little leg. Pretty much the same story too-- something that Ive believed in and knew could win... gone. The playoffs are over. Unless my sweet sweet Chris Pronger can do his magic in net too, were fucked. I cant even write about this.

Digit and the Oilers letting me down. Dang.

Gravylicious

I ate a lot of gravy this weekend. I just cant help it. Its too tasty. I sometimes refer to it as 'congealed animal juice' to freak out vegetarian friends. I would install a gravy dispenser in my house, if it was feasible, so that I could have it all the time.

So I think I need a career change. Yeah, already. I miss doing creative things with my brain. Ive only been doing this law thing for a few years and Im already approaching the 'bored' realm. I also dont like sticking my neck out for people and arguing for things that I honestly believe is a waste of time. I have no idea what I would do though, although I think Id like to go to journalism school. I dunno. Maybe Im just PMS-ing.

On a somewhat related note, a guy that Ive been buddies with for over a year recently found out that I was a lawyer. Now he says he wants nothing to do with me, cant believe that our mutual friend emails me, and is afraid that Im going to turn him in. Seriously dude. Im a fricking family lawyer. Do you really think I care that you graffiti? Have you never noticed that I do as many drugs as you do? Fuck. Just pisses me off is all.

Oilers and 'Canes: game one tonight. Im actually kinda nervous about it...although whenever I see footage of my boys on TV, I cant help but know that they are going to win. [touches wood]

Im still thinking about gravy while I write all this down. I have a serious addiction. Im going to start mixing up Oxo and cornstarch in the supply closet.

Touch the Cup, motherfuckers! *

( * actual quote of yours truly while watching the Buffalo- Carolina game)

I woke up this morning with a Hilary Duff song in my head. Thats got to be a bad omen. Im actually surprised that I know a Hilary Duff song.

So last night, the 'Canes won. It made me think: Hmmm. Looks like the Oilers are going to kick ass on the Hurricanes now. I refuse to listen to people who tell me what a good team they are. Everyone said that about Detroit. Then San Jose [which I prenounce 'San Josey' btw]. Then Anaheim. So shudddup, already jerks. They didnt touch the Prince of Wales cup [although i was yelling at them to do it] but I hope that having a team picture around it is just as bad luck as touching it. Cuz the Oil will have their team pic around Stanley, bitches!

Last night we put flowers in pots around our yard. So instead of it looking like a prison courtyard, it looks like a gay prison courtyard. Like if the guys from 'Queer Eye' went on a coke binge, killed a man to watch him die, and then went to prison? Yeah. Like that. Prison fabulous!

I also watched the National Spelling Bee. Yes, I was obviously rooting for the girl from Edmonton. I was feeling pretty good about myself because I spelled 2 of the championship words correctly [ the greek ones i knew from my Classical Literature classes]. I also found it awesome that the Edmonton girl beat the girl from Carolina. [ Take that Hurricanes!] I dont know what is meant by a girl from Jersey beating the Edmontonian though. The hockey allusion doesnt go that far.

I officially dread going to work now. Im in Court in an hour and im still wearing a towel. Ug.