Its a Real Brou-ha ha ( or, Apparently Im really hyper when i blog at the end of the work day) 2

Another Friday where I am basically watching the fucking clock until I can go home, get pretty, and get my frickin drink on.

I had a meeting downtown at noon. I was walking past this street where all the tourists stop and take pictures [ honestly i have no idea why. its just a street that has no cars on it people. sheesh]with 2 other lawyers i know. I turned just as these 2 guys began snapping pictures of the less than exciting street. I saw them, put my hand in front of my face and in my best Lindsay Lohan voice I yelled:

GODDAMN YOU YOU STUPID PAPPARAZZO! LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

And then i continued with the conversation i was having with the 2 lawyers without missing a beat. The one dude, a guy who is prolly 45 and bills 600/hour kept talking like it never happened. Brilliant.

Did I mention Im taking Lacrosse camp next week? Fucking awesome. Its being put on by the local Lacrosse team the Roughnecks. It should totally rule.

Eva's feeling better. She received 8 staples yesterday in her little face. She now has one more piercing than i do. Tramp.

Hour and a half to go...

Juicy A-- Zombie Killer

So I was just reading about the new 'Grindhouse' movies that are coming out soon. Im super pumped..not just because I am quite the Tarantino fan, but because I really like movies where people kill zombies. (I even like killing zombies-- ask Jer, I always make him play that 'House of the Dead' interactive game at the arcade...the one where you hold the guns and blow up zombies? yeah. I fucken rule at that game. Just so you know, if there IS a zombie attack, Im a a freaking zombie marksman. Too bad its not an olympic sport...) Anways. I saw the website for Grindhouse and im pumped.

While looking at the IMDB site, I noticed that on the bottom they had the 'movies you might also be interested in' thing... and started looking at them. It appears that IMDB thinks i like disturbing and twisted movies. So here are some of the ones I apparently need to check out:

Pink Flamingos-- Divine, a transvestite that apparently has sex with a chicken, competes with a couple who, for a living, impregates female hitchhikers and sells the babies to lesbians, for the title of trashiest family in the US. [yah, its a comedy-- and was written in 1972--seems before its time]

Korishiya ( aka Ichi the Killer)-- I dont even know what this is about. Its a Japanese yakuza film. Apparently very gory and upsetting. ( they passed out barfbags when it played in a film festival in Toronto) Read about it here.

Heavenly Creatures -- 2 girls become friends who have their own twisted reality where they murder one girl's mother.

8mm-- Seen it. Loved it.

Requiem for a Dream-- Juice for Tappy! Juice for Tappy! Goooooo Tappy! One of my fave movies of all time. I own the book too. But when I read the author's other book 'Last Exit to Brooklyn' I actually puked.

Okay-- now any other suggestions for disturbing films? Most of the websites I have looked at involve these artsy french films that i absolutely will not be able to find in Calgaria. ( FYI I have seen all of David Lynch's and most of David Cronenburg's films...these seem to always make the top 10 lists of all the sites ive seen)

Good things come from Wisconsin

( of course in no particular order:

1. The Digit
2. Eva ( fyi- this was taken pre-injury)
3. My Mar's Cheese Castle T-shirt from Madamoiselle Cindy!)

Hack! Hack! Hack!

Thats the sound of me right now. Sexy, huh?

Not only am i totally sick, im also angry and depressed. I dont know why. Its like Im trying to do too many things at once, and instead of all of it, I just end up doing nothing. Having a bath and reading my Star Wars book.

Im really upset over the strife in my little family unit. One of my little children attacked my other child on Friday and not only am i worried now about my little one's safety, Im worried that my big boy might injure or attack someone else. Yah. Digit bit Eva in the face. It looks horrible and worries me to death. The only thing worse than the sound of dogs fighting, is seeing the aftermath of your poor little roo hound cringing on her bed with part of her cheek missing.

There is also other strife. About someone expecting me to do all the cleaning in the house and make him meals while he lays around and watches hockey. But I wont get into that.

I also think all my clients are on their periods.

Like I said. Bath and my Star Wars book seems to be the best option.

De Shower show

Note: I drunk posted Saturday...but hit 'save as draft' instead of 'publish. Enjoy.


I just came back from the gay bar Twisted. Whoa. They got rid of the wall of cock...but tghe Shower show has been added. Its 2 guys in cutoffs in a shower sudsing each other up. The cutoffs made me think of Tobias from Arrested Development. Maybe they are Never-nudes?

I drank over 20 shots of sour puss. haha . i just wroyte "sour piss". that'd be a different typr of shower!

there was a girl whp didnt be;ieve m,e that no means no, she told me i had pretty eyes and they started stroking my arm. oh dear.

eva looks sad/

Yes. The shower show. It was as good/scary/interesting as it sounds.

Cause I've lost all my self control

I heard this song this morning and again, my mind wandered back to the time when it really hit home... I woke up after a night of hard core drinking, my mouth tasting like shit, look in the mirror and my hair that i had just dyed jet black was all over the place and i had black makeup streaming down my face. I said to the dude i was with at the time, Nate, "Holy fuck! I look like a crackwhore!"...and then "Brand new low" by Treblecharger came on the clock radio. Brilliant. Another moment when its like you are in a movie and the song fits with the scene. (That scene, btw, would be the scene when i realise that i drink more than go to class and that if i actually want to pass my first year of law school i should prolly start reading and paying attention to what was going on in Contracts and Administrative Law and less on what was on special at Winston's Pub and whether Natie was in the mood....)

Oooh! I have a picture for this little trip down memory lane-- from Law Games 2000. ( my events were all drinking related)

Anyhoo, fucking work has been busy as hell and i havent had a chance to post or even comment that much. Im sorry. Call my boss and yell at him. Or my assistant-- shes been sick off and on this week and its hard for me to screw around when im trying to figure out how to type a letter.

My acting class ended on Tuesday night and we had our little performance. I had a blast...everyone's projects were really good. Mine was an abbreviated and non-verbal version of the Wizard of Oz. I think we rocked it...although i was pretty worried before we did it as it seemed the 3 of us all had totally different recollections of what happened to the Wiz. Anyhoo, it worked out. I didnt get any pictures, but i did draw an artists' rendering of what it prolly looked like.


(click to make biggy-- but y'all ready knew that)

Crap. I should get back to work. Its so bad, Im actually designating things for what i will take home this weekend. And its only 930. Fuck.

Get crazy with the Cheez wiz.

I heard 'Loser' by Beck on the radio this morning. Remember how frickin cool that song was when it came out? Totally made my Grade 10. I have memories of singing it in the hallway when we sat and ate our lunches and the cool kids looked down their snobby noses at us and we were all jealous of them cuz they wore Guess jeans and Club Monaco sweatshirts. And I wore inside out cardigans and giant plaid pants. And i went from being tubby to not so tubby in the summer of Grade 10 and was even considered 'hot' in grade 11....while in Grade 10 i was just one of those chicks who gave head in the back of the library in the reference section when I got up and left Social studdies cuz I made the teacher believe that i was having nightmares from studying WWII.

where was i going with this? Oh right. Beck. Good song.

Ive been really busy lately with work and shit...plus tonight is our performance for my acting class. Ive also been trying to learn Spanish. Not even kidding. As if i dont have enough shit going on I decide to try to become proficient in another language in 30 days. [ honestly-- my goal is that if i get a cabbie in some remote Tican town who speaks no english ill be able to tell him to take our asses to a hotel thats near the beach and doesnt have whores working out of it...] The learning is so far okay, which is only because its so similar to french.



Say what?

Im also working on exercises that are 'core firming' and help my balance cuz I plan to take surf school in Costa rica. [ again-- a low goal means being happy if i actually succeed--and is me just being able to STAND on a board after 2 days of teaching] Im hoping that my longboarding skills will help me... although they are pretty unimpressive.

Im so going to find a picture of Grade 10 Juicy for the old blog now.

Leper-con

Actual spelling my assistant used on Google to find pictures of a leprechan. I had a frickin field day with this... accusing her of looking for porn involving people with skin disorders behind bars.

Holy fuck it took to long for Friday to show up. That is all im going to say about that.

Last night Jer and I went to a bar to watch the Flames game ( actually, he went to watch the flames, i went to eat chicken wings and drink). I unfortunately got pretty damn drunk. I tried to blog. I was apparently too drunk to figure out new blogger, so y'all are SOL. While we were at the bar, the owners of the bar ( its called Kits on 16th) were filming a commercial. We had to 'act' and pretend that the flamers scored a goal. I hope that I will get discovered. If I ever see it, ill try to tape it and stuff and put it on here. Dont hold yer collective breaths on that though.

Be sure to drink some sickly green dyed beer tomorrow and puke in technicolor the next day... I plan to do the same. Ill try to get pics.

And now, Boogie Nights + Star WArs = FUCKING AWESOME ( thanks to Dave)

We have a winner!

Guess where im going?


Nope.

COSTA RICA!!!

that is all. continue working...and try to stop going to look at pictures on the internet. yes, im talking to myself.

Its like an alarm clock!

( To all the people who answered yesterday...you rule. To the 177 who DID NOT, well, you stink...what you think i dont go to stat counter and find out how many of you there are out there?)

I took some melatonin last night to sleep. Within 15 minutes of taking it, I couldnt lift my arms. Whoever says that shit isnt addictive, obviously didnt ride it like i did. It worked well because despite Jer, the Digit, and Eva's attempts to wake me up for hours on end, they did not succeed. I need to do commercials for that shit.

Not even my 2 loud dogs...one who when he rearranges himself on the floor, actually shakes the bed and walls and another one who thinks that licking/chewing her side is the new crack...and my snoring, sleeptaking, and flailing boyfriend who thinks he owns 85% of the bed can wake me up on that melatonin shit. Hells yeah!

Have you ever seen Bub Rubb and the whistle tips? His voice just came into my head when I was typing that. The whistles go whhooo-whooo.



Des Just for decoration. Das all. Thank you, Lil Sis. Me and best friend Vancouver, Bronwyn, used to be addicted to that video and recited it all the time. I was trying to find 'whoo whoo' as a ringtone.

I just slammed my right index finger in my door. My mousing finger! Noooo! How will I aimlessly surf when i should be working?

I have nothing to do today. Let the loafing commence.

Where are your hands right now, Juicy?

Remember how I was all 'Oh this time change doesnt affect me' on Monday? Yeah. I spoke to frickin soon. I havent slept well in days... grumble grumble. I almost fell asleep during my first appointment...I just kept repeating the last thing the client said with a nod and pretended to write it down.

I still havent decided where we are going on vacation. Im thinking central/south america, as someone doesnt want to travel for more than 10 hours and all the really cool shit i want to see is like 20-30hrs away by plane. Anyone been to Panama? Is it cool?

So this morning, while driving to work i started thinking about something. And here it is: Do many people masturbate at work? I mean people who arent working from home or whose job it is to masturbate at work ( like webcam type entertainment 'chat hosts'. Do people do it? Do they do it often? How do they conceal it from the public? Bathrooms? Behind closed office doors?*

I know quite a few people who can admit to having sex at their workplace**, but no one seems to jump up and admit to ahem, double clicking the mouse too many times when they should be finishing their TPS Reports.



I guess before i say the floor is yours to come clean or deny it completely, I also want to know whether anyone has had/given head at work too. Lets give that its own category, as it is Steak and Blow Job day [ thanks, Itchy you little minx]***

Your participation in this survey will serve no real purpose except confirm that my readers are just as pervy as I am. If no one answers this, I will be dejected and sad and will turn this blog into a place where i post pictures of kittens and balloons, and other mommyblogger type shit.

[*In case you are wondering. The answer for me is yes. It happened. Like last summer...but it was after hours so i dont think it 'officially' counts. ]

[ **again, me too, but not 'officially' cuz it was on a weekend at night]

[***well...um...er... yeah. One of the benefits of having your own office and the 'Do not disturb' function on the phone]

Shittin up all sorts of sunshine

Despite the fact(s) that it is 830 am...on a Monday...after Daylight savings time..I am in a surprisingly good and happy sort of mood. I am sure this will be gone by approx. 100 pm today. If I was a betting person, Id bet on that. Speaking of betting, apparently the odds are in your favour if you want to bet that Heather Mills-McCartney's leg will fall off during her dance stint on 'Dancing with the Celebrities'. Some shit you cant even make up.

I just read J-Mo's post on St. Paddy's day. I am now seriously jonesing for some Guiness. That might be the first time i have ever used the term 'jonesing'. Remember it as i dont think ill use it again any time soon.

I saw 300 this weekend. It FUCKING RULED WOOOO MUTHAFUCKA. I wrote a paper once on the battle of Thermopylae, so maybe thats why i was so fricking excited about it...or the fact that its based on a graphic novel. Anyways, I did want to stab someone or decapitate someone in the name of Sparta after i left the theatre. Then me and Jer bought a bunch of candy so I was dealing with blood lust AND a sugar high. I was running all over the mall, no make that bouncing all over the mall yelling about how 'This is SPARTAAAA!.'

This weekend was super nice out so i broke out the warmer weather clothes. Nothing is a better feeling than realising that the pants that were fitted in September are now waaaay too big.

One year ago I was heading here:


Vacation time t- 8 weeks. Any suggestions where we should go?

Thoughts on a salad

I am currently eating a Wendy's Salad that is bigger than my head. I know this. Cuz i measured it. Said salad consists of 3 cherry tomatoes, 1/2 c. of cold slightly damp chicken, some sheddded cheddar and a whole head of fucking lettuce. All yours for 6.29! Gawd damn. I should do commercials or something.

Hey you! Wanna eat healthy? We'll were gonna FUCK YOU BLIND. You can get a hamburger and fries for 99 cents each-- or a head of lettuce for 6.00. Ball is in your court, retard.

Oh yeah, and the salad dressing has 300 calories in it. So I coulda had a burger and then went to safeway and bought a head of lettuce....thus having the same amount of calories and saving like 5 bucks.

Moving on.

I had to post that Centaur pic below because i find those sort of things totally hilarious. Like the time i Stumbled Upon a newsgroup for Mormon Furries. ( I cant find it now, BTW, they musta taken it down) There is a page for Centaur art here..if yer into that kinda kink...cuz I sure am not. But i wont judge cuz ive got my own bizarro fetishes that I wont get into right now. All and all, kudos to someone who took the effort to construct a centaur costume just for shits an giggles.

Moving on, again.

My mood has completely changed in the past few days since its been all springlike. I want to spend my days drinking outside and wearing flip flops...and thats about it. Oh, and bitching about my salad...which i am still only 1/3 done and I feel i have been eating for an hour.

And now, my dog giving her best Top Model fierce pose.



Talk to the paw, bitches!

Quick intermission brought to you by Toothpaste for dinner.com:

toothpastefordinner.com

For some reason, people dressed as centaurs are comedy gold.

Real post will come later.

Todays thoughts--and my lego art from this weekend

Im drinking a slurpee right now. Its fucking heavenly. Right now its +13 degrees outside... thats a whole 30 degrees warmer than it was last week at this time. Hellooooo Global warming. I really dig you Al Gore, but this is pretty fucking sweet.

Lego Ranch w/ horses, cars, and ranchstyle bungalow By Juicy and Sean

I wish I could sleep as well as I do between 530 am and 715 am for the whole night. Its like my bed is absolutely uncomfortable and the room is too warm, the roos are too loud, Jer is too farty until 530...and then all is bliss. Just thought id share that with yall.

Lego horses-- Big Red and Punchy

We are approaching our final projects for my acting class. My character: a schizophrenic version of myself. Not even kidding. Like "Me, Myself and Irene"...but with Juicy instead of Jim Carrey. Its either going to rock, or come out really weird. Either way it should be fun.

Rancher Ted and Red and Punchy:
Rancher Ted: S'up
Red: Not much, dawg, what about you?
RT: Not much, man. Just hanging out.

Jeremy broke the TV set last night. Im not sure what he was doing...but it happened right after the Blues scored on the Flames... so I have my guesses that its from some sort of hockey rage.

Fuck this work. Im going out to play. This slurpee sugar has gone directly to my head.

I couldnt wait til tomorrow to post this

[click to play]

Dipsy seems to like it, though...

(yes I know the Teletubbies' names. I used to watch them all the time when i was stoned. )

And now: Bad Star Wars costumes.



You're welcome.

Didsbury

Y'know what Ive realised? Since the 'new blogger' has been forced upon me, I dont like posting or putting comments on peoples blogs. Why? Because before I typed 'juicya' for my name and **** for my password... now i have to type in lola_fifty...blah blah blah as my email address and ********* as my password. My work load has gone up 150% to sign in. I hates it. So if I havent been commenting, its not because Im not sitting in Calgary at my work desk guffawing away at your posts...its cuz im lazy.

This weekend I went up to visit my sister and her chillun. It was pretty cool. I got to play some video games and legos. Actually, it was a lot like a normal weekend for me, just with kids and without drugs. On the way back home, I thought I would live dangerously and not fill up my gas tank before i left town. Oh wait did i say live dangerously? I meant live STUPIDLY. ( wait is that a word? likely not. aw, who cares. im not getting graded on this post)

Anyways, I almost ran out of gas on the way home. I was cruising along at 135 km/h and i looked at my gas gage just as BEEP! the gas light turned on. I was 30 km outside the nearest town...and i knew that there is approx 25 km of gas left after the beep. So, with a lot of prayer and cursing... I was able to make it into a small town 5 km off the highway to get gas at the oldest and cruddiest gas station i have ever seen in my life. So this post is dedicated to the people of Didsbury, Alberta.

Whats Didsbury you may ask? According to the website:

Whether this is your first time visiting or your fourteenth, coming to Didsbury always feels a little like coming home. With its many historical structures, as well as its more contemporary buildings, Didsbury is where old meets new in a wonderful mix of traditional values and community progress!

They have a walking tour to go thru their historical buildings and train museum! There is a a trade show annually in July!
As their Town mascot, Didsbee, would say "We're a honey of a town!"

So why not head on down to Didsbury as your next vacation destination. They totally rule. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Yeah. So my guess is that a large percentage of the town revenue comes from people who are running out of gas while driving between Calgary and Edmonton.

Im very unmotivated at work today. Last week everyone seemed to come down with the plague and on Friday, it was just me, one partner, my assistant, and our real estate conveyancer here. In order for the staff to actually get stuff done, I ended up answering the phones for most of the afternoon. It totally cracked me up because someone would call and ask for me, and Id say "Im sorry, shes on a call right now". Haha. Get it? Cuz I was on the phone with THEM.