Now Im not religiously intolerant [*snort*], but there are some things I just cant handle when it comes to different religions. I'll eat Matza on Pesach, Ill cover up my shoulders and knees when I go to the Sistine Chapel, I wont make hindi friends eat beef. Hell, I used to be in a cult [yes. a cult. long story...involving drugs]. But I have a line when it comes to religious-in-your-face-ness: And right over that line are Mormon missionaries.
Being from the Edmonton area, I didnt see a lot of them growing up. I remember hearing about them and laughing at their super gay commercials about friendship and brotherhood and such. ( We were usually bombarded by Jehovas Witnesses, instead. Whom my sis and I called "JoVos" and used to giggle at from behind the curtains when they came to the door. But I did crack up reading the Watchtower.) Anyhoo, back to my original rant....Mormons. Trucking around my neighbourhood. Wearing white shirts, black ties, and name tags calling them "Elder John" or "Elder Thomas".
So they've been stalking my neighbourhood lately. A fat red-headed one and a tall skinny one. A few days ago, Jer honked at them. Yesterday I had a chance to speak with the redhead. [ he kinda ambushed me when i got out of my car, actually, so I guess he brought this on himself]
Red Head Mormon: Hi there!
Juicy: Uhhhh Hi.
RHM: How are you today. It sure is beautiful out.
J: Yup.
RHM: Do you own a...
J: [interrupting]. Dude. Not interested.
RHM: What? Oh, well, me and Elder So-and-So, we're just in your...
J: Yeah. I know what you are doing. Well. I drink coffee and booze.
RHM: [laughs] Thats fine. I hear that all the time...
J: Oh, and I have a question for you: Why are there no female missionaries?
RHM: [Opens his mouth to explain only to again be interrupted by yours truly now on a rant and about to answer my own question]
J: Because they are already married at your age. And popping out [ED Note: Yes I said popping] their first of 23 children that they will have to make you, their smug mormom men, happy and to make you gods or some shit. So how many babies did your mother have? Is she still having them? And do you really think that any woman would be interested in joining this type of religion?
RHM: [red faced and looking around like hes waiting for Bringham Young to sweep up on a white horse and carry him safely away] Well.... thank you for your time. I should be joining Elder So and So now.
J: Yes. Run. We're on to you. Go to the Temple...tell them we cannot be fooled.
Okay...maybe I didnt say the last line. I just get a little angry over the fact that women my age that are Mormon usually already have 8 or 9 kids. I also lost one of my best friends to Mormon-hood... he left the church at 15, became a total party dude and spent most of his university career getting stoned or drunk with me...then returned at 24, was promptly engaged and sent on a mission to France.
Im not saying all Mormons are into the get a wife- get 20 chidren lifestyle, but I figure that if you are approaching me on the street I get to ask you the tough questions. I mean if I approached you with pamphlets on chanting HU to gain enlightenment...I would expect you to ask me about Harold Klemp and the Temple of Eck.
8 comments:
i used to have this thing about inviting them in as long as we never talked religion.
it was very wierd.. but the same dude came by my place with a different sidekick every week, and we would bullshit about politics, sports, music, but never religion. and i had to remind elder sidekick about it every week..
i'm not that religious par say, but being roman cahotic (catholic?) i figure i might as well have a wee bit of fun.
esp since while we would discussi would drink beer, and offer them water
There are girl missionaries, but they work on projects or as Temple tour guides and don't bug you in your home. They also do it earlier so they can get married sooner.
-Your Salt Lake Source
BLOGGER ATE MY COMMENT! ARRRGRGH!
i just said that I thought it ironic that they were called elders as the missionaries couldn't be older than 22-23 and were already married for the most part.
You know they give the ones that aren't married by then stink-eye.
I think they give them the finger.
Mormons bug me. I almost lost by best friend because of Mormons. And what's with the black tie and white shirt and backpack, is this in their religious book or something?
My friend and I saw them comming up the road, we messed our hair up took off our shirts, took a big gulp of Jack Daniels, smeard katchup on our face, all this to look like drunken slobs. They knocked on the door, and I answered," HEY! How the Fu*k are ya'!?, Come on in buddy! Grabed the strap from his backpack and pull him into the place, his friens followed. Then my friend comes out of the kitchen with three cans of beers and throws one at one and he catches it, I yell, "PARTY ON DUDE!" WOOOOOOOOO!"
They say they must go, and my friend goes, "WHAT!!? I don't Fn' think so. That's just Fn' Ignorant dude! You come knock on my friends door and we invite you in for a beer and then you insult us by not accepting our friendship!?" "WTF didn you knock on the Fn' Door for HUH! WHY!?"
He goes to charge at em and I act like I'm holding my friend back while screaming, "You guys better go man! I don't know how long I can hold him!"
I never did have them visit again, or any other holy roller for that matter. Musta, send word out I guess. LOL, but isn't that what they meant to do? sorta?
I've always wanted to ask them about their special Holy Underwear...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_garment_(Mormonism)
http://nowscape.com/mormon/undrwrmo.htm
Fucked up, huh?
Kisses - Carrie
Ooooh. I forgot about the underwear. Ill be sure to hunt them down and ask them about it. Last night I saw the Red head when I was walking Digi. I waved...he looked away.
LMAO! Did you really say that???
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