Welcome to the French Revolution

Hi, Im Robespierre. Whatsup.**

So, first, I found out my partners gave themselves a 15 thousand bonus each, not hundred. Yeah. Close your mouth, yer gonna catch flies.

In response to that little factoid, myself and the other 2 employees who were passed up for bonuses were mad as hell and, in fact, decided we were not going to take it any more. We asked the partners into the boardroom and i happily informed them that we were made aware of the bonuses handed out and we wanted to know why were were passed up. I have never seen two forty-something men squirm like they were hauled into the principal's office before. They asked to speak to us separately and then told me, simply, that i made too much last year to be earning a bonus. Hmmmm... lets see...I bring in most of the revenue this year...you guys bring in less...and my repayment is being told i make too much. Yeah, great concept. Work hard and get shit all.

Anyways, the whole office is now extremely tense. The people who got bonuses feel bad, the bosses are mad at us for bringing this up, and we are all still without bonuses and pissed to hell. Hooray. Let the heads start to roll.

I should mention that if i wasnt the one who brought in so much, I wouldnt had had the guts to confront them. I mean, they cant fire me. How would they pay the bills?

Now that im super pissy, I need to go watch Flight of the Conchords again. Its here if you dont have HBO. Word.

(** I took a course in the French Revolution in University. Which means I shouldnt compare myself to Robespierre, cuz it didnt end too well for him. Plus, Im more like Danton politically...)

And now a hypnotic gaze from a cupcake loving dog

Thats Stains the Dog... I think everytime I watch that, there is a 50 50 chance I may pee my pants. (the best way to watch him is via the Soup, but they dont let ya embed...plus they end it with Spaghetti Cat)

So Im having a shit day. Again. I just learned that my company decided to pick and choose who to give bonuses to at Christmas...and despite the fact that I am the only reason this low rent hell hole hasnt gone into the red, I was not given one. My partners, who did jack shit last year, awarded their merits with a bonus of 1500 each. Huh.

I also had a pyrric victory ( booyah! I knew a minor in Greek and Classical Mythology would come in handy somewhere!) last week against our favourite crazy ass Court of Appeal litigant, Count Chocula. I was not successful in having his appeal struck...but he was given a week to file his documents ( which is unlikely in that its already taken him over 2 months) and costs in the amount of 1000. Fuck. I still feel like I dropped le ball on that one.

Hee hee. Balls.

Ive been listening the the song 'Time to Pretend' by MGMT alot lately. Its good. About fucking models, doing drugs and dying young. Lucky! ( said a la Napoleon Dynamite). I went out on Friday with a girl who can dance like Napoleon Dynamite. She is pretty much awesome. I kept dancing in the window like I was on Electric Circus. Where was I? Oh right... good song about saying fuck it to work and living on an island with fancy cars and models and drugs.

Please dont make me go out there.

Still no ring. Still no computer that allows pictures. sorry, man.

Have you seen that Family Guy episode where Peter flies to Kentucky and then goes to KFC and asks to speak with the Colonel and the toothless guy at the counter says 'hedaid.' and peter says louder and slower. 'The colonel. Can. I meet. him.' and again 'no man i say you hedaid'

yeah, that guy just totally called me. 'mywhy sez she wan deeverse an i no gonna do it.' And when i said she retained me to do it and i will proceed. 'yer makin perblems that no say be needin'.

I just talked to my client, and she said that he actually works at Red Lobster and makes $2.00 an hour. He decided to sell the matrimonial home in order to buy four jet skis. Wow.

I had to google how to spell "colonel".

I spent the majority of this weekend playing the Wii and smoking dope. Fun fact: much unlike the actual sports, I am actually better at bowling and boxing when i am baked.

I didn't go to the wedding fair. I decided that no matter what, I am wearing a gold dress to my wedding. Why? Cuz I want to. There. Deal with it.

I am procrastinating opening my office door because the next appointment is certifiably crazy and I asked for a totally outlandish retainer in order to have her go away...and she somehow came up with the money. Fuck. Sometimes it backfires.

I am a bad girl

No, not like I should be riding the 'Rock of Love Bus'...or being the raison de bitching for Nancy Grace... I am bad at being a girl.

There is this bridal show this weekend...and every time I start thinking about being in a room with a bunch of princess wannabees I almost vomit on my shoes. It seems that every female is supposed to be born with some innate desire to want to have a big wedding and have "dreamed" of the "fantasy" ( their fucking words...not mine) of this shit since they were little. Why cant I tell people I am (eventually) getting married and not have them start asking about my "perfect wedding day" ( again, the words of these mofos...not this beeatch). Fuck. I dont even have the ring yet and Im phreaking the phuck out about this shit.

Ahhhhh... I feel better now.

I am actually now just telling people I am having a Star Wars wedding...because the only person I dressed up as in a white dress was Princess Leia.

I bought myself this supa sweet espresso maker in December-- and it takes about five minutes to make a cappucino so deeeelightful it makes you wanna cream your pants. Some days, Id rather sleep in that additional 5 minutes and my day is then not so smoothe and creamy. Today is one of these days.

Speaking of coffee, I have approx. $80.00 in star buck gift cards in my wallet. I just keep acquiring them from people and havent been able to use them fast enough. I should get naked and roll in them or something. What movie is that from? Indecent Proposal? Yeah, like that.

I miss Christmas holidays. Getting up at 11:00 am...drinking the cum inducing cappuccino... playing Wii fit and Guitar Hero World Tour until dinner time. Fuck. I need to retire or something.

Henrietta Pussycat says Meow meow Meow Meow*

sorry cats and kittens, I still dont have the ring or a computer that lets me post pictures. oh so sad is my existence. no, not really.

Here are some things I am recently obsessed with and wish i could show you pics:

1. Shamwow...('are you following me camera guy?' )

2. The Snuggie

3. Old-timey photgraphs taken at the mall

4. my wii fit, and my "trainer" Brad who i yell at while i do yoga. Its funny how enjoyable i find angry yelling-at-tv-set yoga.

*seriously, did that bitch ever say anything else?

Can I blame it on the economy?

Sorry about the whole being MIA for the last month. I can come up with a cavalcade of excuses...the economy....work...the break down of my work computer and that the one I am using now is a piece of shite that crashes whenever Im on the internet for more than 5 minutes...the fact that while I was on my Christmas break the last thing I wanted to do was use a computer.... and they would all be partly correct.

I do plan on updating...lets call it a new years resolution. No, a new years Revolution! I revolt against being lazy and not blogging. If I can find the start up disk for my camera program, Im going to load it later today and put up some pictures on here. There are lots from the past while...all simply hilarious.

Oh, and some very very very exciting and good news......

....

....

...

get ready for it....


ME AND JER ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!



Dont worry, this blog will not be turning into a 'bridezilla' typr page. That aint me. In fact, the whole idea of weddings, rings, dresses make me pretty nauseous. I did get a pretty sweet ring, though.

Two weeks to go...

Hmmm. If I gave two weeks notice, I would never have to return to work after Christmas vacation....hmmmm... tempting.

So if the usual bullshit wasnt enough...

1. I now have a car that was towed to the VW dealership yesterday and may not be running again until next Monday... I had a settlement meeting today that i had to take a cab, bus, and train to get to. I felt like a fricking tool calling the office asking them how much the bus cost cuz it had been so long since i took it.

2. My computer at work is down and Im working on this shitty small one in the hallway that has this small screen and i need to sit two inches away from the screen to see it. Its slow and everytime i get an email it crashes. It has no speakers or earphone jack so i have to listen to the muzack that comes out of the phone. I am going to fucking looose it.

3. Its getting colder every day

4. There is too much candy around. I am now down 12 pounds from October. With the rate of stress candy eating, this will be gone soon.

Happy motherfucking holidays

19 days until Christmas vacation

I was in trial all fucking day yesterday. All. Fucking. Day. Brootal. Its like Monday morning the heavens opened and dropped a ton of shit on me. I feel like Im running around like a hooker with her pants off.

Im not sure if i have mentioned my obsession with the Live Cam puppies.
I am obsessed with the Live Cam puppies. They are on my computer all day. I learned on Tuesday that they are going to their forever homes on Saturday. I am in mourning today for this reason.

I just got a mass email sent to me from my super ex. He and little wifey just had their second kid-- named Cash. If you know anything about me, you will note that anyone who would name their child after money was not that compatible with me at all. ( and no, I doubt they named him after Johnny Cash-- asshead hated his music)I really hope I was on his email list by mistake...pretty lame otherwise.

Hip Hop party last week was hilarious. Colt 45s were drank... fried chicken and watermelon was consumed...and I fucking rocked out as a chola. I forgot my camera to post the pics on here. Wikked.

I cant wait for the 24th-- 11 days off. Fuck. It cant happen too soon.

This soup tastes kinda funny

Im eating Wild mushroom and turkey soup-- the after taste is vaguely 'magic' tasting...like psilocybin. Its kinda making me nauseaous. And makes me think i should hole up in a room somewhere before the walls start melting. Im the Pretty Prince of Parties!

My Stampeders won the Grey Cup on Sunday YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! *insert victory dance* I am now worried that it is going to be hard to get season tickets for the 2009 season. Poop. Is it bad that part of me was cheering against them?

Work is about to get super fucked up. Ohhh how I love the Christmas season. I am just about to leave for a settlement meeting. I have 3 this week plus I am in discoveries for 2 whole days. Wanna know how fucking boring that is? Excessively fucking boring. Eight hours of listening to someone else ask questions. Then eight hours of asking questions. Honestly, I wish I could hire someone else to do it for me. Like a hobo. Id loan him or her a suit of Jer's. I'd even watch his shopping cart for him while he did it.

This Saturday is Over the Top Hip Hop. I may buck the trend and not wear hot pants this year. I am going as a chola instead.

November 19-- fuck! already?

First of all, its November 19. I hate November 19.

I really had grandiose plans of blogging for every day of November. I am a dreamer. An unrealistic dreamer.

In case you are unaware (ie. because you are a. not Canadian or b. do not care) Calgary's football team the Stampeders, which I do actually cheer for, are in the Grey Cup this Sunday. I am very very very excited about this. I have been to a bunch of Stamps games this season and was at last Saturday's triumphant victory. Had we not of won, I would likely be complaining about how frickin cold it was that day...but the memory of my frozen ass is not as great as the jubilation of the win.

Saturday also Jer and I found this really cute baby kitten on our street. We brought her in, fed her, kept her overnight and put up signs in our neighbourhood. I was starting to think that even a dog person can like a cat....until Eva tried to eat her. We ended up taking her to a vet clinic who would look for her owner or take her to the SPCA if no one showed. I am still kinda sad about it.

I am also sad about my pant situation. I own pants varying in sizes from 2 to 10. None fit me...and not in the ways you'd expect. I have size 8s that are too small and 4s that i need a belt to keep up. Seriously. what the fuck? Id go buy new ones, but what size? And really, what would be the point? So the next time I lose/gain five pounds they wont fit? Fuck it. Im buying all lycra from now on.

I am now officially in love with Flight of the Conchords. I giggle about them all day long. Currently I have the French song in my head. Ahhh, La conversation dans la parc! I guess what makes them even funnier is that Jer manages a band with 2 people in it...and made a video...and tshirts...with robots. I havent asked if he does roll call at the beginning of each meeting.

Hey, how 'bout them Oilers?

This post has been quite the clusterfuck. I have pretty much posted 6 different posts in one. That means Im only 2 days off from posting every day this month. Yippee.

I lost my parking ticket. Now my first born child belongs to the centennial parkade.

I'm at a fancy firm downtown. The mints in the candy dish have their initials on it.

I think they forgot I'm here. The bike messanger is also lonely.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

While it seems that everyone else in the free world was watching his acceptance speech I was in bed reading a Douglas Adams book.

So, I love exit polls. It was one of my fave things to write about when I got my first degree ( Fun fact: My Political Science BA has a specialization in Political Psychology and Voting Behaviour.). On all the twenty seven hours of election coverage, they base so much of their info on what people are telling them...effectively informing those who have not yet voted who is likely ahead if they want to jump on the old bandwagon...however, a lot of people do lie. No one wants to be a racist or sexist, right?

So, because all that I do on my blog is educational and scientific, I decided to do my own exit polls:


Name: Ma'at-- Egyptian Goddess of Virtue and Justice.
Age: Few thousand or so
Voted for: McCain. They were in the same homeroom in Home Ec.



Name: Princess Puppyhead
Age: 6 mos.
Voted For: McCain. As a pitbull, she also likes wearing lipstick sometimes. And shes full of folksy cuteness...*wink*



Name: Snowbie the Non-Seasonal Snowman
Age: twenty something
Voted for: Obama. A snowman for all seasons, a president for all reasons. (I told him this was lame and he got really mad at me)



Name: Gumby and his "life partner" Pokey
Age: Mid 50s
Voted for: Obama. Ahem, guess why.



Then I told them all that they are just the toys in my office and not elligible to vote due to the facts that they are 1) Not registered 2) Not American and 3) Inanimate.

Happy Blow-vember

This month already blows. Congratulations! (said in the Target Lady's voice. I miss the Target Lady. Where did you get those rainbow suspenders! They will look perfect with my green quilted pantsuit!)

Notwithstanding that quoting the Target Lady has now brought a smile to my face, I am pissy. Here I was all planning to post my halloween pics on here....and then one of those shittay things that happens only to me happens... I WAS FUCKING SERVED.

I am being sued by a client of mine from 2005 who was a total dickhead and says because of my negligence he is out $68 000. I know i will be okay, as the even that he said i "negligently performed" was actually something that happened before I was his lawyer, worked at this firm, or was even called to the bar yet. Its still a reaaaaal fucking piss off, though. I need to go through all the steps of hiring counsel and defending this fucking thing. Like i said, happy fucking Blowvember.

In related news, I am going to take a bag of Digi and Eva's dogshit and throw it at his house.

In other related news, I want to punch this fucking douchenozzle until blood pumps out of his mouth, ears, and nose.

Ahhh. I feel better now. Here is me as Princess Leia.



Here Princess Leia says 'Help me dead Elvis and Vampirella...you are my only hope"

Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick

(thats a line from 'Stuart' by the Dead Milkmen. Those guys were awesome. I was singing that song today)

First, to my followers, I thank you from the bottom of my ass. You guys rule and I need to put together some sort of gift pack for members only. It will likely be awesome.

Speaking of awesome, how is it that I have been on the internet for so long...and today is the first time I have seen this? I thought we were friends. Why would you keep this from me? I havent been so excited since the laser picture website.

I have carrot burps. Deal with it

I am officially sick of 'sexy' costumes. Yes. Its. Official. I have been looking at costume accessories and I am shocked that you can no longer be a witch, Dorothy, Alice in Wonderland, a princess, or even a fucking ghost unless it is prefixed with 'sexy'. That being said, my costume is sexy... but not in the tits and ass in the air way. More sultry, I guess. (Note: The only time 'Sexy' is still allowed is for Jesus. And especially when he is rocking me.)

I also am sick of high maintenance people. You have to fucking baby them or they turn into a little mushy pile of suck and moan and cry until you get so sick of them that you do what they want to shut them the fuck up. This is approx. 95% of my clients right now. Some lady actually wanted me to make her daughter a dentist appointment for her today. Cuz 'OOOOooh if i do it my husband will be mad. Cant you just do it?' Fuck. Piss off and die. And take back the Sexy Red Riding Hood costume you bought for your daughter shes eight for fuck sakes. (Im just assuming that last part. Its pretty likely though)

What am I not sick of? Unicorns. and Robocop.

Fame Whores and junkies

I just noticed that I "lost" a follower. I didnt even know what that meant when they put that on my profile...well now im losing them and i didnt even know i had them. I am the economy.

I really dont like Madonna. I dont. I guess I dug her schtick during her cross burning and S and M days, but other than that... yeah. It got old. Fast. And speaking of schtick her new one is 'oh im getting a divorce'. Because she has already checked off adopting a child under suspicious circumstances, putting a nude photo book, and french kissing a slut wannabee as other ways to end up in the media in the past 10 years so shes running out of new famewhore ideas to bring up every 6 months to stay in the spotlight. I wonder if she is going to recycle more of those deliberate acts to make it into the news-- I mean she already 'did' high profile celebrity divorce in the past... if anything this could be good for Guy Ritchie. It worked for Sean Penn. I actually am going to start the conspiracy theory that she and guy planned this all along... she has a new tour, he has a movie. Lets get some hits on google when we need it. Say approx. seven years from now. That sounds about right.

Ok. Rant done. I just dont like Madonna. Or Julia Roberts... but you all knew that.

My nephew is blackmailing me to go to his bday this weekend. I have no choice. Attend or be bad auntie forever.

My diet type thing is going well. I miss candy. I miss eating those chocolate covered coffee bean crack that are in my desk when i am sleepy. When i fit back in my dress pants it will be worthwhile.... whenever that may be. Although i wonder if keeping under my points is worth my sanity. I now cannot stop thinking about them.

Shit. I need a fix.

I do FH Mondays

See more Nick Swardson videos at Funny or Die

I want to go home and sew shit. And maybe do some blow. (j/k)

Here is a random thought: I will someday name my autobiography "Confessions of a Shower Pisser".

This is why i dont usually blog on Saturdays. Im not too interesting

Just to let you know, I didnt get fired yesterday. Actually, they kinda kissed my ass and asked, no begged, me not to leave. Apparently, a lot of lawyers who i dont even know, know who i am and are 'impressed' with my reputation. ( Im assuming my legal reputation-- cuz the other one aint the best if you know what i mean, wink wink nudge nudge)

So, the Oilers are awesome.

Thats all i need to say about it. They are awesome and that statement deserves its own paragraph. They play the stupid flames tonight again. I hate those guys.

I think im high on oven cleaner fumes. Weeeehaw!! I think i will go do some shots to ride this high.

Thank you for my rage

Today I think I could kill someone with my bare hands. I was in court this morning...it was slow as hell...i didnt need to be there but the other lawyer would not answer my calls for an adjournment...and i had to wear my emergency court outfit (a skirt) despite the fact that my legs were hairy as hell.

Now I am awaiting going in for my work performance review. Not the best of times mood wise for me to be discussing my progress. I may just get angry and turn into a tiny hulk. See below:



(if you have never seen her before, be sure to watch all of Ms Pequena's work on that page)

Despite my rage, Ive been laughing my ass off all day thinking about 'Mark Walhberg Talks to Animals' from SNL a few weeks ago. I keep wanting to tell people, animals, and inanimate objects to say hello to their mothers for me.

Maybe ill post after my review if i have some rage to vent. Maybe not.

Go oilers.

Electioneering

There was an election here yesterday. Did you vote? Oh yeah, it didnt matter either way. The same asshats with the same asshat party was elected. No fucking change. Just more old guys talking about gun rights. Yes, even the political science degree holders are officially jaded.

I started a diet program Tuesday-- mostly to encourage limited eating in a certain someone that I live with (yes-- its Digit) The lack of sugar in my coffee is making me crabby. I tried flavoured almond milk ( you read that right) and it aint cutting it. I think this is causing more stress in my life than i care to deal with.

Speaking of delicious food, T-Giving went down without a hitch... I almost dropped the turkey...catching it mere inches from the floor...but other than that everything was good. We ate a bunch of weed brownies and got really weird. Jer was a frickin one man show. He kept nattering on about stuff that made no sense such as 'turduckenbuckets' and 'chocolate muumuus' and told us to start calling him by his most famous alias, Rex Morgan. I just kept thinking i was in a sitcom and even had my own catch phrase "Oh, Damn!" that i would say before every commercial break. Yeah, good times.

I know its only 2 games in, but the Oilers are going to rock this year. I can feel it. I am immenseley excited over Cogliano, Gagner, Gilbert, and, of course, my boyfriend, Horcoff. I think there is no way for this team to go, but to the top.

Lets see, I touched on drugs, hockey, politics and coffee...must be missing something... porn. Well, not really, but if you are a geek like me, this is sorta like porn. (yes, its SFW. Nerds.)

Everyones Gotta be something, Me, Im Stupid

Telling yourself that you are no longer sick and actually not being sick are two very different things. Yeah. Hence, two minutes into bootcamp yesterday I collapsed on the ground in coughing.

I wish my grumbling was cured as well. I think only one thing can cure it. LONG MUTHAFUCKIN WEEKEND, FUCKERS!!!! (Haha. I love feeling like Kid Rock. Cant you just hear him saying that? )

I hope to drink excessively. and make pie this weekend. (which is what Mr. Rock likely also has in store this weekend. I wish i was one of those skilled Wunderkinds when it came to computers and id make a mash-up of American Badass and pictures of fat kids eating pie. Can I just say this is the most thought i gave to Kid Rock today? Can i also say that im now really into parentheses? Its the new ellipses. Did you like that i didnt call them brackets? I didnt dum it down for y'all)

The title is from a song called 'Rico' by Matthew Good Band. Really good song. (Its old. Like most of my music selections. The nineties ruled, what can i say? The radio station i listen to has been playing his Band alot lately cuz they are putting on a show and you can only win your way in whenever his band or Soundgarden or Chris Cornell songs play....because they are both doing the show. I really want to go due to my aforementioned love of the 90s and almost drove my car into a bridge yesterday trying to be the 9th caller. They play a lot of 90s music on there. I will win tickets to that show or drive into a bridge trying)

Ive been writing affidavits for 7 hours. I think thats why im very verbose.

Have a fucking great night motherfuckers! (and be sure to think of kid rock and the 90s at least a little bit before you go to bed)



(there is no purpose for this picture other than MUST. USE. PARENTHESES.)