Ive been really crabby lately. I have this anger induced headache right now and i just want to bite the head off the next person who has the misfortune of speaking with me. I think Ive been sorta taking it out on Jer [who said to me on vacation that my tag line should include "yelling at Jeremy" alongside kickboxing and walking the dog. Ouch.]and my assistant, Theresa. But Im not pissed at either of you. Im not. Its because of the following:
- Im mega super PMS-ing right now
- My whole body hurts from working out/ doing my personal trainer thing. So I guess Rachelle, if you read this...you're partially to blame. If i didnt know that you could kick my ass because you spend all day working out, you'd be top of the list, baby.
- Too many pushy clients. Yeah, I get it. You are upset. Things in your life suck. Dont take it out on me. Calling me 57 times and bitching at me about your ex and that he wouldnt say hello to you when he dropped off junior last night wont get me working on that settlement proposal any faster, now will it? No.
-I had to fire two clients this week because they wouldnt pay. I hate that. It makes me feel like a jerk, plus, it means they wont want to pay the remainder of the bill that much either so ill be out like 1000 bux. Honestly, being a lawyer is ok. Its the whole getting people to pay thing that sucks ass.
-I got fired by another client. Exact words: "Nothing you have done has been of any value to me". Oh, snap!
-The Oilers The Oilers the Oilers. They kill me. Watching a spectator sport should not be dangerous to your health. The boys in E-town are giving me an ulcer. I love them soooo much I cant explain it. I am fiercely loyal to them and will defend them in every way to the end. But every playoff run I think I'm going to lose it. Cant they just hurry up and make the playoffs already? I cant handle it. I cant handle watching the games or even reading the stats the next day.
-My Greyhound group is getting negative publicity and may lose funding over some comments made by the chair of the rival greyhound rescue group. Thats right, theres a greyhound rescue turf war happening in Calgary. Because yours truly is a lawtalking sonofabitch, I may have to get an injunction against them for the smack theyve been talking. Stuff with the Digit used to be the relaxing part of my life. Now its as litigious as the rest.
-My panties are giving me a wedgie
-My tan is fading
-Jessica Simpson is considered a celebrity
-Ashlee Simpson has a music career
-Did you see the Britney statue? Creepy.
- I had to pay for parking this morning
'Kay I think thats it. Sorry you had to read this. It needed to be said. I coulda kept going at the end, actually, but I was pissing myself off.
Friday, March 31, 2006
ummm..
I cant even think of something witty to say. Im too disturbed.
AP - Tue Mar 28, 3:49 PM ET This photograph, released by sculptor Daniel Edwards on Tuesday, March 28, 2006,shows his sculpture of singer Britney Spears giving birth. The life-sized 'Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston,' seen at the artists studio in in Moosup, Conn., will be shown at the Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in the Williamsburg section of New York beginning April 7. (AP Photo/Daniel Edwards)
I think i need to go puke.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Breathtakingly beautiful HNT!
...and the beach aint that bad either! [joking!]
So this pic shows, literally, why Ive missed HNT the last week, I was sunning my booty on the beaches of the Dominican Republic. Methinks that the next HNT party should be held here...cuz believe me, there are a lot of people who are half-nekkid in the Dominican! [and the rum's pretty good too!]
For some more breathtaking HNT-ers, go check out Osbasso.
A real, decent post
I have just come to the realisation that i really havent posted a real, decent post in quite some time. Im just barking out these little snippets or ideas once a day, but really have nothing else to talk about.
Maybe I have ADD or something and can expect that my elementary school will be sending a letter to my parents saying that 'Juicy keeps disrupting the class and we recommend that you medicate her. Now.' I think that if it was in vogue as it is now to medicate your children at school, that those letters definately woulda been sent to my parents. I had this practice of getting up and leaving when i was bored. I would finish whatever the math problem/ picture to colour/ etc. we were assigned, then I would just get up from my desk and leave the room. Usually Id just walk to the water fountain and back...but id take the long route, through the library. If they stopped me, I would just wander around the class...sharpen my pencils...looks outside the window...go say hi to my friends... then wander back. I have all these report cards from elementary school talking about this 'problem'.
Oh and they always said i had problems with 'self control'-- not my fault, if you make me mad, i was going to yell back at you...then I'd start crying too. Then Id be asked to leave the class until i regained my composure. I remember the one time I was told by my Grade 6 teacher, Mrs. Nelubowich, that i had to re-do an assignment because "my handwriting was too messy...and people with messy handwriting dont go on to good things in their lives" [uhh... yeah, I have really suffered. And what about doctors? Worst handwriting ever.], so anyway, I ripped it in half and told her she could re do it if she didnt like it so much. I spent the rest of the day sitting in the hallway. I even missed lunch.
I also would go mental in Gym class if we were playing some sort of sport, like 'soccer baseball' or dodgeball or soccer, and end up flattening someone or smacking someone in the face or kicking them in the shin [that was my speciality, actually]and then being benched for the rest of the game. I once had to speak to the vice principal about the shin kicking.
Actually, I still wander, too. Ill be drafting an Affidavit or something and then just get up, wander to my assistants desk...then wander to the receptionist...then go to the bathroom...then wander back. Ive managed to keep the shin kicking to a minimum.
Look at that. I posted a real post. But now Im bored. Im going for a walk.
Maybe I have ADD or something and can expect that my elementary school will be sending a letter to my parents saying that 'Juicy keeps disrupting the class and we recommend that you medicate her. Now.' I think that if it was in vogue as it is now to medicate your children at school, that those letters definately woulda been sent to my parents. I had this practice of getting up and leaving when i was bored. I would finish whatever the math problem/ picture to colour/ etc. we were assigned, then I would just get up from my desk and leave the room. Usually Id just walk to the water fountain and back...but id take the long route, through the library. If they stopped me, I would just wander around the class...sharpen my pencils...looks outside the window...go say hi to my friends... then wander back. I have all these report cards from elementary school talking about this 'problem'.
Oh and they always said i had problems with 'self control'-- not my fault, if you make me mad, i was going to yell back at you...then I'd start crying too. Then Id be asked to leave the class until i regained my composure. I remember the one time I was told by my Grade 6 teacher, Mrs. Nelubowich, that i had to re-do an assignment because "my handwriting was too messy...and people with messy handwriting dont go on to good things in their lives" [uhh... yeah, I have really suffered. And what about doctors? Worst handwriting ever.], so anyway, I ripped it in half and told her she could re do it if she didnt like it so much. I spent the rest of the day sitting in the hallway. I even missed lunch.
I also would go mental in Gym class if we were playing some sort of sport, like 'soccer baseball' or dodgeball or soccer, and end up flattening someone or smacking someone in the face or kicking them in the shin [that was my speciality, actually]and then being benched for the rest of the game. I once had to speak to the vice principal about the shin kicking.
Actually, I still wander, too. Ill be drafting an Affidavit or something and then just get up, wander to my assistants desk...then wander to the receptionist...then go to the bathroom...then wander back. Ive managed to keep the shin kicking to a minimum.
Look at that. I posted a real post. But now Im bored. Im going for a walk.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
This is just to say
I really really really want this...
...but Jer doesnt want me to, cuz he'd go crazy listening to me sing the "hits" like "Summer Breeze" and "Im Not in Love".
Juicy vs. Kenny vs. Spenny
I usually dont talk about tv shows on my blog... unless its Top Model or my undying love for the unfortunately gay Daniel V on Project Runway, but if you havent seen this show-- you are freaking missing out, dude.
Its been on and off and on again in Canada for a few years, originally on the CBC, but now on one of the risque cable channels. I just heard they are making a British version on the BBC soon, so maybe you can find it on one of your comedy channels n shit.
Anyhoo, Its about these 2 room mates living in Ontario who compete against each other in these stupid competitions...and the loser is humiliated [whether by having to dress up as a baby and ask people on a busy street to check their diaper, or lick bird shit off of a car, or something else equally ridiculous]
I you were a super huge insane Jackass fan like me, then you'll love it. Kenny is a complete jerk and tries to hurt/cheat/ destroy Spenny's gentle spirit...Spenny is just hot, uh, I mean he follows the rules. Yeah, okay, I have crushes on both of them. Sue me. They are hairy little Jewish boys, what do you expect?
I was able to find this on google video which is only a clip from an episode.
Its been on and off and on again in Canada for a few years, originally on the CBC, but now on one of the risque cable channels. I just heard they are making a British version on the BBC soon, so maybe you can find it on one of your comedy channels n shit.
Anyhoo, Its about these 2 room mates living in Ontario who compete against each other in these stupid competitions...and the loser is humiliated [whether by having to dress up as a baby and ask people on a busy street to check their diaper, or lick bird shit off of a car, or something else equally ridiculous]
I you were a super huge insane Jackass fan like me, then you'll love it. Kenny is a complete jerk and tries to hurt/cheat/ destroy Spenny's gentle spirit...Spenny is just hot, uh, I mean he follows the rules. Yeah, okay, I have crushes on both of them. Sue me. They are hairy little Jewish boys, what do you expect?
I was able to find this on google video which is only a clip from an episode.
Monday, March 27, 2006
No title necessary
[clicky to make bigger]
I found this on Bacon this morning and was so fucking excited. This is what originally spawned my Chuck Norris obsession years ago when I was at a house party back in the late 1990s and saw this exact ad on someones fridge.
I think Im going to cry.
I also think i got a motherfucking shit ass cocksucker photo-radar speeding ticket this morning. It depends on whether the stupid ass assfucker cum spewing cops decide that 80 in a 70 zone is "speeding".
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Drunk post analysis
So last night I came home all fuggered up on the rum we brought back from the Dominican and I attempted to post the following [but, alas, was too drunk to hit the ' publish' key]:
"I like drinking. I miss heavy drinking alot. Remember when i was always heavy drinking? that was fucken good muthafucker.
I also like Digit. "
I wish i was someone who wrote philosophical or meaningful post when I was intoxicated. Instead, I just lament over the fact that im no longer some sort of alcoholic...and then clarify the fact that, in case you havent noticed over the fact that i mention him in almost every post, I like my dog.
If I recall correctly, the reason that i was going to post last night is because I thought i saw someone at the bar who looked like JJ from the Churning and then I was determined to find people at the same bar who also looked like other bloggers that i know...but was unsuccessful. Actually, in retrospect, the dude that i thought looked like JJ really didnt look like him either.
I think i mentioned Digi because Im puppy sitting this little German Shepard right now and, despite being pretty cute and making the cutest little noises when she tries to snuggle with you, is poorly trained and not too smart. Shes shit and puked on my floor twice. So the Digit is looking pretty well behaved and trained right now [ if only in comparison]. Oh, and hes super jealous and howls if i spent too much time with her. Maybe I thought he'd be upset if he didnt get a mention on the blog last night.
Maybe I have no idea why i attempted to blog what i did [or actually did not] last night and Im just still kinda wasted and still giving you a drunk post right now. I dunno,
"I like drinking. I miss heavy drinking alot. Remember when i was always heavy drinking? that was fucken good muthafucker.
I also like Digit. "
I wish i was someone who wrote philosophical or meaningful post when I was intoxicated. Instead, I just lament over the fact that im no longer some sort of alcoholic...and then clarify the fact that, in case you havent noticed over the fact that i mention him in almost every post, I like my dog.
If I recall correctly, the reason that i was going to post last night is because I thought i saw someone at the bar who looked like JJ from the Churning and then I was determined to find people at the same bar who also looked like other bloggers that i know...but was unsuccessful. Actually, in retrospect, the dude that i thought looked like JJ really didnt look like him either.
I think i mentioned Digi because Im puppy sitting this little German Shepard right now and, despite being pretty cute and making the cutest little noises when she tries to snuggle with you, is poorly trained and not too smart. Shes shit and puked on my floor twice. So the Digit is looking pretty well behaved and trained right now [ if only in comparison]. Oh, and hes super jealous and howls if i spent too much time with her. Maybe I thought he'd be upset if he didnt get a mention on the blog last night.
Maybe I have no idea why i attempted to blog what i did [or actually did not] last night and Im just still kinda wasted and still giving you a drunk post right now. I dunno,
Friday, March 24, 2006
Friday Afternoon--waiting for a telephone meeting kinda meme
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 24 and find line 5.
Consolidated Alberta Family Law Statutes...."registrar may make a memorandum of the name change on the appropriate certificate of title" [thats weak, dude]
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you find?
My bulletin board with a pic of me and Jer on a dunebuggy
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The weather on the news this morning. It was foggy.
4. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Shirley, the paralegal and her loud british accent
5. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
12:50, coming back to work from my lunch break.
6. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
To see when the next Greyhound walk in Calgary is being held. (Its this Sunday, in case you were wondering.)
7. What are you wearing?
Nothing but a smile, big boy. *groan* Im channelling my previous phone sex days...actually jeans, brown sweater and my Fluevogs
8. Did you dream last night?
Si. About going on a boat with my dog. Fuck Im lame.
9. When did you last laugh?
I just did. At how fucking lame i am
10. What is on the walls of the room you are in?- A geisha wallhanging from "sushi tokyo! OUSTANDING SUSHI CUISINE!"
- a Resevoir Dogs poster that says: I dont give a fuck what you know, Im going to kill you anyway. Hmmm. Maybe thats a little innapropriate for work, in retrospect
- a picture of me and friends dressed in Hooters uniforms. Not even kidding
11. Seen anything weird lately?
Funny weird or weird strange? I guess maybe this 105 yr old lady that was just here getting her will done. She was weird looking and very hunched over and shrinky.
12. What do you think of this quiz?
I dont know whats more boring, me or this meme. Nope, Im bored, not boring. I wish this client would fucking call already. I have a life, you know. [says the girl looking up and dreaming about her dog] Im also kinda hungry. Wait, what was the question?
13. What is the last film you saw?
Iris-- starring Judi Dench and Kate Winslet about a crazy bitch. Yeah, seriously. Thats what it was about. It was on Showcase at 1 am and I couldnt sleep.
14. If you turned a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
An island in the sun, a vodka factory, a lot of cocaine and a big car to run down people i didnt like.
15. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I have hairy toes.
16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?
outlaw breast implants
17. Do you like to Dance?
Fuck yeah.
18. George Bush.
which one? Useless or Son of Useless?
19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Princess Tricksybella Frying pan.... or Audrey
20. Imagine your boyfriend is making sweet love to his Xbox 360, what would you do?
Actually, it would more likely be my XBox...and id be creeped out...but not so much that i wouldnt watch
21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Depends where...do i have to wear a birka?
22. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
Theres no line up on the all you can eat fried chicken buffet
23. 4 people who must also do this meme in their journal.
Uh... go ahead and do it if you want to but I ain't gonna hold you to it. And besides, I just got off the phone so im fucking going home chumps...
Consolidated Alberta Family Law Statutes...."registrar may make a memorandum of the name change on the appropriate certificate of title" [thats weak, dude]
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you find?
My bulletin board with a pic of me and Jer on a dunebuggy
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The weather on the news this morning. It was foggy.
4. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Shirley, the paralegal and her loud british accent
5. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
12:50, coming back to work from my lunch break.
6. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
To see when the next Greyhound walk in Calgary is being held. (Its this Sunday, in case you were wondering.)
7. What are you wearing?
Nothing but a smile, big boy. *groan* Im channelling my previous phone sex days...actually jeans, brown sweater and my Fluevogs
8. Did you dream last night?
Si. About going on a boat with my dog. Fuck Im lame.
9. When did you last laugh?
I just did. At how fucking lame i am
10. What is on the walls of the room you are in?- A geisha wallhanging from "sushi tokyo! OUSTANDING SUSHI CUISINE!"
- a Resevoir Dogs poster that says: I dont give a fuck what you know, Im going to kill you anyway. Hmmm. Maybe thats a little innapropriate for work, in retrospect
- a picture of me and friends dressed in Hooters uniforms. Not even kidding
11. Seen anything weird lately?
Funny weird or weird strange? I guess maybe this 105 yr old lady that was just here getting her will done. She was weird looking and very hunched over and shrinky.
12. What do you think of this quiz?
I dont know whats more boring, me or this meme. Nope, Im bored, not boring. I wish this client would fucking call already. I have a life, you know. [says the girl looking up and dreaming about her dog] Im also kinda hungry. Wait, what was the question?
13. What is the last film you saw?
Iris-- starring Judi Dench and Kate Winslet about a crazy bitch. Yeah, seriously. Thats what it was about. It was on Showcase at 1 am and I couldnt sleep.
14. If you turned a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
An island in the sun, a vodka factory, a lot of cocaine and a big car to run down people i didnt like.
15. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I have hairy toes.
16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?
outlaw breast implants
17. Do you like to Dance?
Fuck yeah.
18. George Bush.
which one? Useless or Son of Useless?
19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Princess Tricksybella Frying pan.... or Audrey
20. Imagine your boyfriend is making sweet love to his Xbox 360, what would you do?
Actually, it would more likely be my XBox...and id be creeped out...but not so much that i wouldnt watch
21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Depends where...do i have to wear a birka?
22. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
Theres no line up on the all you can eat fried chicken buffet
23. 4 people who must also do this meme in their journal.
Uh... go ahead and do it if you want to but I ain't gonna hold you to it. And besides, I just got off the phone so im fucking going home chumps...
Canadian Moment
Drinking a double double and eating a maple dip and bitching about hockey
[translation: really strong and sugary coffee and a fucking awesome donut from Tim Hortons that kicks ass on Krisy Kreme while questioning to the heavens why the Oilers hurt me so by always being on the cusp of a playoff spot]
[translation: really strong and sugary coffee and a fucking awesome donut from Tim Hortons that kicks ass on Krisy Kreme while questioning to the heavens why the Oilers hurt me so by always being on the cusp of a playoff spot]
Thursday, March 23, 2006
About my Vacation
Firstly, nothing makes you think that you might actually be a grown up until you leave for vacation and then come back to see that people actually noticed that you had left and were totally and utterly freaking out about it.
In the past week, Ive had papers filed against 7 of my clients. Ug. Now Im trying to talk them all off of ledges over the fact that we are in court tomorrow morning and I have yet to see the documents. That being said, this post will be another quickie...but a goodie. Here are some of my fave pics from the Dominican [yes, of the 140 almost all of them have 1. the ocean and, 2. me drinking] Im also leaving out the ones that are quite naturally HNT fodder...and there are a lot because everyday in the Dominican is Half Nekkid.
The first drink of vacation! [its Sex on the Beach]
Me and Jer [we were soooo wasted on Rum in this pic]
Sea Creature!
Mermaid
How d'ya like these coconuts?
Step 1. Find wedding arch set up on beach
Step 2. Find white tablecloth and drape it like a dress
Step 3. Email to parents and give them a heart attack
Jer's fave pic: Here he is trading me for 2 bottles of rum
In the past week, Ive had papers filed against 7 of my clients. Ug. Now Im trying to talk them all off of ledges over the fact that we are in court tomorrow morning and I have yet to see the documents. That being said, this post will be another quickie...but a goodie. Here are some of my fave pics from the Dominican [yes, of the 140 almost all of them have 1. the ocean and, 2. me drinking] Im also leaving out the ones that are quite naturally HNT fodder...and there are a lot because everyday in the Dominican is Half Nekkid.
The first drink of vacation! [its Sex on the Beach]
Me and Jer [we were soooo wasted on Rum in this pic]
Sea Creature!
Mermaid
How d'ya like these coconuts?
Step 1. Find wedding arch set up on beach
Step 2. Find white tablecloth and drape it like a dress
Step 3. Email to parents and give them a heart attack
Jer's fave pic: Here he is trading me for 2 bottles of rum
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Fuck its cold in Calgary
Im baaaack!
Just a quick post to confirm that i survived my trip. I hate Jer's computer with a passion and it pains me to type something out on it, however, while away I missed my bed, my dog, and yes, blogging with you all [awwww]. (By the way, Digit thanked me for coming back from paradise to see him by ripping apart a jumbo sized bottle of Jergens lotion in my living room, which took 2 hours to clean up...hopefully your 'welcome home' will be a little more pleasant. )
I have a fantastic tan, not too bad a hang over from all inclusive type drinking for 7 days, and a shitload of pics to post. There is also still sand in my ears and, i think, my asscrack from the beach.
Tomorrow I promise to post pics, stories of banana hammocks and the joys of rum.
Now, I still have lotion to get out of the sofa and the stereo.
Oh, and Ill try to catch up on reading all yer blogs soon too
Wow, my avatar is pretty dead on.
Just a quick post to confirm that i survived my trip. I hate Jer's computer with a passion and it pains me to type something out on it, however, while away I missed my bed, my dog, and yes, blogging with you all [awwww]. (By the way, Digit thanked me for coming back from paradise to see him by ripping apart a jumbo sized bottle of Jergens lotion in my living room, which took 2 hours to clean up...hopefully your 'welcome home' will be a little more pleasant. )
I have a fantastic tan, not too bad a hang over from all inclusive type drinking for 7 days, and a shitload of pics to post. There is also still sand in my ears and, i think, my asscrack from the beach.
Tomorrow I promise to post pics, stories of banana hammocks and the joys of rum.
Now, I still have lotion to get out of the sofa and the stereo.
Oh, and Ill try to catch up on reading all yer blogs soon too
Wow, my avatar is pretty dead on.
Monday, March 13, 2006
****INTERMISSION****
I'm on vacation March 14 to 21. Talk amongst yourselves.
For the perverts-- feel free to look at my HNT's to the right of you.
For the reading public-- browse amongst my archives. I useda drink a lot and hump a lot of people. Seriously. Especially in October 2005. Take a look. There will be a quiz, later to see who did their homework.
For everyone, Big Kisses and I'll have a slushie booze drink with an umbrella in it for you...
Beach Baby
So...its finally here! I leave for the Dominican in 18 hours!
I planned on asking y'all for your addresses for post cards earlier, but Ive been pretty busy trying to get all my shit in gear lately. So, I might have missed the gun on this, but if I get them emailed to me by 400 MST today, I can send you some shit. [send em to the drugsmakemecool addy over there -->]
I talked about having someone guest blog while i was gone [and thanks to Monty and CBK who offered] but I think I'll just keep the old Intersection 13 x13 in hiatus for the next week. Id feel bad making someone else do the work while I sit on the beach. Although, CBK, I will be sending you some fishnets so you can do that HNT, as promised.
Ahhh, tomorrow at this time Ill be drunk on a beach...fucken eh!
Have a good week, everyone. Big Kisses
I planned on asking y'all for your addresses for post cards earlier, but Ive been pretty busy trying to get all my shit in gear lately. So, I might have missed the gun on this, but if I get them emailed to me by 400 MST today, I can send you some shit. [send em to the drugsmakemecool addy over there -->]
I talked about having someone guest blog while i was gone [and thanks to Monty and CBK who offered] but I think I'll just keep the old Intersection 13 x13 in hiatus for the next week. Id feel bad making someone else do the work while I sit on the beach. Although, CBK, I will be sending you some fishnets so you can do that HNT, as promised.
Ahhh, tomorrow at this time Ill be drunk on a beach...fucken eh!
Have a good week, everyone. Big Kisses
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I really like 'Africa'
So I think I'll send 1 and 4... just cuz thats what most people thought were the best. Thanks everyone for piping up when dutifully called upon.
Dont do this blog quiz, unless you want to cry. Nothing like a computer telling you that you are going to gain 50 pounds very soon.
I realised yesterday that I really appreciate the song "Africa" by Toto....and that I should voice that here. Im not sure why I thought this yesterday, its not like I dont always listen to that song, blast it to 11 and then sing out the lyrics in a way that must make passing motorists think that Im crazy or something. But yesterday I decided I had better blog it.
I hope the dudes from Toto just happen to Google themselves today, my blog comes up, and they feel better inside. Not that Im assuming that they dont normally feel good about themselves, but Im just saying that song came out a lonnng time ago and they havent put out anything else since.
I just googled them. They are still on tour, and they all look kinda old and fat and are wearing Chambray shirts. Today they are playing in Western Europe [mostly the countries that enjoy the music of David Hasselhoff] and will soon be hitting Japan.
So I guess the chances of them reading my blog is pretty slight...which is good cuz i just called them old and fat.
Anyways, Africa rules. Its a good song.
Fun fact: The dog from the Wizard of Oz, Toto, was stuffed when he died and, until 1995 he was at the MGM Grand in Vegas...until someone stole him. I dont know if hes been returned yet either.
Dont do this blog quiz, unless you want to cry. Nothing like a computer telling you that you are going to gain 50 pounds very soon.
I realised yesterday that I really appreciate the song "Africa" by Toto....and that I should voice that here. Im not sure why I thought this yesterday, its not like I dont always listen to that song, blast it to 11 and then sing out the lyrics in a way that must make passing motorists think that Im crazy or something. But yesterday I decided I had better blog it.
I hope the dudes from Toto just happen to Google themselves today, my blog comes up, and they feel better inside. Not that Im assuming that they dont normally feel good about themselves, but Im just saying that song came out a lonnng time ago and they havent put out anything else since.
I just googled them. They are still on tour, and they all look kinda old and fat and are wearing Chambray shirts. Today they are playing in Western Europe [mostly the countries that enjoy the music of David Hasselhoff] and will soon be hitting Japan.
So I guess the chances of them reading my blog is pretty slight...which is good cuz i just called them old and fat.
Anyways, Africa rules. Its a good song.
Fun fact: The dog from the Wizard of Oz, Toto, was stuffed when he died and, until 1995 he was at the MGM Grand in Vegas...until someone stole him. I dont know if hes been returned yet either.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Choose your own Chuck-venture
So, if this is the first time you've ever read my blog, then that title meant nothing to you...everyone else who has even a glimmer into my mind knows that i am currently obsessed with Chuck Norris.
A month ago I found the T-shirt to rival all t-shirts at sinful shirts, featuring, natch, Chuck Norris. Its so awesome that I am informed by Matt at Sinful Shirts that the Man Himself, Sir Norris, threatened to sue them over it. Matt also informed me that Im photogenic and would like to see a pic of me in the Chuck shirt.
Said t-shirt arrived a week ago and I am finally ready to post it in all its glory.
Now here's where y'all come in... I took about 6,000 pictures yesterday of me in the Chuck shirt [literally until my camera's batteries died]...and now dont know which one to send in. It could be worth $50.00 or a free shirt, so I need help:
One:
Dont make me kick yer ass!
Two:
Three:
Ka-Pow!
Four:
It takes talent to look tough in panties
The criteria is pretty much...you can see what the shirt says...i look like im about to show you the way of the fist...and I still kinda look hot.
A month ago I found the T-shirt to rival all t-shirts at sinful shirts, featuring, natch, Chuck Norris. Its so awesome that I am informed by Matt at Sinful Shirts that the Man Himself, Sir Norris, threatened to sue them over it. Matt also informed me that Im photogenic and would like to see a pic of me in the Chuck shirt.
Said t-shirt arrived a week ago and I am finally ready to post it in all its glory.
Now here's where y'all come in... I took about 6,000 pictures yesterday of me in the Chuck shirt [literally until my camera's batteries died]...and now dont know which one to send in. It could be worth $50.00 or a free shirt, so I need help:
One:
Dont make me kick yer ass!
Two:
Three:
Ka-Pow!
Four:
It takes talent to look tough in panties
The criteria is pretty much...you can see what the shirt says...i look like im about to show you the way of the fist...and I still kinda look hot.
Houndz in tha Hood
Its hard out there for a pimp...and Digi knows it fo sho'.
This is Digi's new jacket and snood in Team Canada red. He's not too sure about it yet and does this sort of shaking/twisting/scratching movement when I first put it on him... although i think he might be smiling in the next pic.
Speaking of ghetto behaviour, Digit decided to play with a bottle of wood glue yesterday and managed to get it all over the TV, couches, carpet, his bed, and, naturally, himself. So I guess his bewilderment in the pictures is to be expected: hes on glue.
"the walls are closing in around me!!!"
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Eye Candy
Not to be confused with Camel Toe, this is "TMATLP" [too much ass...too little pants]
click to make bigger...and behold the full joy of too little pants
From out of the stupor comes brilliance...
...or not.
For the last 3 days i have been battling this horrible plague. Maybe its cuz Ive placed cartoon Juicy in a swimsuit in the middle of a frozen park...I dunno. Ive had a crazy fever, chills, and,well, Ive been hallucinating something fierce.
Seriously, Ive spent the better part of the last 3 days laying in bed and thinking up crazy shit...most of which i wish i could remember. I thought Jer was wearing a body suit and yelling at me because I wasnt interested in Sea Kayaking.
I also was brainstorming ideas for a short story about 2 sad and lonely people [ cue music: Eleanor Rigby] which is loosely based on these 2 people who i always see at the Gym on machines next to each other, but I dont think they are actually acquainted. I really dont remember what the story was about, to be honest. Just that the story ended with her hand gently brushing his knee as he got off the train [there was a train in there somewhere] and it was the first time someone touched him all day... [Gag.]
I also put some deep thought into what kind of person my car would be if he was ,well, a person....and ditto for Digit. I really cant recall my car, but I think that Digit was a guy who was really athletic and was always talking about going rock climbing or hiking...but then when he came over to your house would smoke all your weed.
Okay, I need to get to work...the only thing crazier than my dreams are apparently the lives of my clients.
For the last 3 days i have been battling this horrible plague. Maybe its cuz Ive placed cartoon Juicy in a swimsuit in the middle of a frozen park...I dunno. Ive had a crazy fever, chills, and,well, Ive been hallucinating something fierce.
Seriously, Ive spent the better part of the last 3 days laying in bed and thinking up crazy shit...most of which i wish i could remember. I thought Jer was wearing a body suit and yelling at me because I wasnt interested in Sea Kayaking.
I also was brainstorming ideas for a short story about 2 sad and lonely people [ cue music: Eleanor Rigby] which is loosely based on these 2 people who i always see at the Gym on machines next to each other, but I dont think they are actually acquainted. I really dont remember what the story was about, to be honest. Just that the story ended with her hand gently brushing his knee as he got off the train [there was a train in there somewhere] and it was the first time someone touched him all day... [Gag.]
I also put some deep thought into what kind of person my car would be if he was ,well, a person....and ditto for Digit. I really cant recall my car, but I think that Digit was a guy who was really athletic and was always talking about going rock climbing or hiking...but then when he came over to your house would smoke all your weed.
Okay, I need to get to work...the only thing crazier than my dreams are apparently the lives of my clients.
Friday, March 03, 2006
When Bad Comics go Disney...
So I have now seen the commercial for the newest Disney crapification, The Shaggy Dog. It looks like Tim Allen now belongs to Disney. He has been sold into some sort of White slavery that began with the Santa Clause...continued with The Santa Clause II and now has been finalised.
Do you remember his early comedy days? Im talking before the cutesy "urg urg urg " of Home Improvement. He was arrested a bunch of times for drunk driving threw out the word 'fuck' in his routines like it was going out of style...and had a drug problem. I think he had to go into rehab, even.
I first noticed Disney purchasing comedians in the 1990s...when "Mrs. Doubtfire" came out starring Robin Williams. Have you ever seen Robin Williams' early work? Its fucked. I once watched this special which was taped in the early 1980s and he was, in two simple words. COKED. OUT. The dude was sweating like a pig...running around like a chicken with his head cut off...then he's start to slow down and slur his words...run back stage...and come out frantic and foaming at the mouth again. It was beautiful. I think in that special he pulled John Ritter up from the audience, too and I think they started speaking in a language that only they [and perhaps their dealers] could understand. Now he's most known to people as the cartoon Genie in Aladdin.[sigh]
And dont even get me started on 'Operation Dumbo Drop'. I really hope that they paid Dennis Leary a lot of money for that film...or they threatened to kill one of his family members...or would withold a kidney from a person on the donor list if he refused. Cuz, honestly, his is the smuttiest, dirtiest, and fucking funniest comedy act I have ever heard. Ive memorized most of 'No cure for Cancer' [NyQuil we love you...you giant fucking Q] No way should he be fratenizing with cute little kids and friendly elephants.
Whos next? Im afraid. But Im sure Dave Chappelle's already been called to play the Angela Lansbury character in the updated version of BedKnobs and Broomsticks
Do you remember his early comedy days? Im talking before the cutesy "urg urg urg " of Home Improvement. He was arrested a bunch of times for drunk driving threw out the word 'fuck' in his routines like it was going out of style...and had a drug problem. I think he had to go into rehab, even.
I first noticed Disney purchasing comedians in the 1990s...when "Mrs. Doubtfire" came out starring Robin Williams. Have you ever seen Robin Williams' early work? Its fucked. I once watched this special which was taped in the early 1980s and he was, in two simple words. COKED. OUT. The dude was sweating like a pig...running around like a chicken with his head cut off...then he's start to slow down and slur his words...run back stage...and come out frantic and foaming at the mouth again. It was beautiful. I think in that special he pulled John Ritter up from the audience, too and I think they started speaking in a language that only they [and perhaps their dealers] could understand. Now he's most known to people as the cartoon Genie in Aladdin.[sigh]
And dont even get me started on 'Operation Dumbo Drop'. I really hope that they paid Dennis Leary a lot of money for that film...or they threatened to kill one of his family members...or would withold a kidney from a person on the donor list if he refused. Cuz, honestly, his is the smuttiest, dirtiest, and fucking funniest comedy act I have ever heard. Ive memorized most of 'No cure for Cancer' [NyQuil we love you...you giant fucking Q] No way should he be fratenizing with cute little kids and friendly elephants.
Whos next? Im afraid. But Im sure Dave Chappelle's already been called to play the Angela Lansbury character in the updated version of BedKnobs and Broomsticks
Thursday, March 02, 2006
12 more days!
...until Im on vacation!!! Fuck. I totally need it too. This snow is really starting to piss me off.
Because Im kinda neurotic...and because I kinda like lists, this is my 'to do' list to complete before i leave:
1. Lose weight --> well, more like "be less squishy"...and yes, its working
2. Fake n' Bake --> more beige than before
3. Find Digi sitter--> done. He's going to stay with a lady who love Greyhounds, has a couple herself, and is only charging me $10.00 a day. I wont feel guilty if he pees all over her house, either, cuz, well, what do you think im paying her for?
4. Find blog sitter--> Now this I havent done... I may just not post anything for the week...or I could have someone just watch the blog for the week [like how Skindee did]...or I can have a bunch of people agree to guest post during the week.
Any takers? (Especially anyone who would wanna do the ole HNT thing for yours truly...) I would be ever so greatful, and would either return the favour for you...or buy you something in the Dominican... I dunno, like bananas or a small child or monkey or something)
Extreme Nekiddity
This is the Nekkid-est picture i have taken.... no makeup, no clothes, nuffink but my birthday suit and a smirk on my face.
I decided on this pic because I have always hated extreme closeups of my face-- i think cuz I think i have a fat schnozz, and the longer I look at it, the bigger it looks. But I also think cuz i dont stare at my own reflection that much, maybe it just seems weird cuz I aint used to looking at myself.
So maybe if I keep looking at this pic, I will get used to it, and think its okay...or maybe ill start to believe that im the Elephant Man's long lost sister.
For more things half nekkid this fine thursday, go see Osbasso. And then go see everyone else, too. Thems some creative people.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Marchy-marcherson
Whoa. How is it March already?
Wow. I think all of my clients went crazy last night. Seriously. I have about 15 voice messages today that are all URGENT! URGENT! CALL THE MEDIA! CALL THE POLICE! CALL MY MOMMY! from clients. Not even exagerrating. So now, to add to my 'to do' box, I have a 'to call IMMEDIATELY [but not really, Im just being sarcastic] box', a 'to call immediately, but, like to actually do it' box and, of course, the 'seriously juicy, you need to do this shit. Today. Before you leave. box'.
As you can see by the rambling intro of this post already, Im not really getting on those immediate and urgent calls.
So...... here are some pics from the weekend:
The cake... and 30 omnious candles: Fun Fact Hannukah Minnorah candles work well when B-day candles are not in sight
The girls: Lux, and Miss Priss and I are apparently starting a band together. [at least this is what they told me quite into the evening and after a few beverages]. The funny thing, naturally, is that none of us play any instruments or have any real vocal talent. Nevertheless they already decided the cover of our album: the 3 of us, naked, doing some sort of hug where our dirty parts wont show. Although Im sure we wont sell any albums on musical talent, Im sure it will be a good seller to the 14-60 yr old male set. The band name and album title are still TBD.
The bowling: We got to the lanes late and were stuck with 5 pin. I havent 5 pin bowled since grade 6 and did rather poorly...cuz, dude, normally i really can roll. Of course, the more we drank, the worse we all became. Jer was pretty much throwing the ball like a baseball at the end. I was too busy dancing [i heart bowling shoes-- so good to dance in] to finish my last game with any skill.
The Hump attack: I havent hump attacked anything in a really long time. I decided that the little terminal had it coming...and i gave it to it good.
Well, now I should get on those calls.
Wow. I think all of my clients went crazy last night. Seriously. I have about 15 voice messages today that are all URGENT! URGENT! CALL THE MEDIA! CALL THE POLICE! CALL MY MOMMY! from clients. Not even exagerrating. So now, to add to my 'to do' box, I have a 'to call IMMEDIATELY [but not really, Im just being sarcastic] box', a 'to call immediately, but, like to actually do it' box and, of course, the 'seriously juicy, you need to do this shit. Today. Before you leave. box'.
As you can see by the rambling intro of this post already, Im not really getting on those immediate and urgent calls.
So...... here are some pics from the weekend:
The cake... and 30 omnious candles: Fun Fact Hannukah Minnorah candles work well when B-day candles are not in sight
The girls: Lux, and Miss Priss and I are apparently starting a band together. [at least this is what they told me quite into the evening and after a few beverages]. The funny thing, naturally, is that none of us play any instruments or have any real vocal talent. Nevertheless they already decided the cover of our album: the 3 of us, naked, doing some sort of hug where our dirty parts wont show. Although Im sure we wont sell any albums on musical talent, Im sure it will be a good seller to the 14-60 yr old male set. The band name and album title are still TBD.
The bowling: We got to the lanes late and were stuck with 5 pin. I havent 5 pin bowled since grade 6 and did rather poorly...cuz, dude, normally i really can roll. Of course, the more we drank, the worse we all became. Jer was pretty much throwing the ball like a baseball at the end. I was too busy dancing [i heart bowling shoes-- so good to dance in] to finish my last game with any skill.
The Hump attack: I havent hump attacked anything in a really long time. I decided that the little terminal had it coming...and i gave it to it good.
Well, now I should get on those calls.
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