Bouncy

So its nearing the end of the year, Ill have to do a 'year in review' post soon, but, as most people may know, I frickin hate Jers computer and its a real pain to type things out on it. I actually think part of the reason why (note I said 'part') my drunk blogs make so little sense is that i cant work this thing.

So my holiday thus far: last friday i went out with Jer and got undeniably and seriously fucked up. We hit a bunch of bars, had some drinks, did some drugs, and then danced until 6 am. I was going to try to blog, but by the time we came home i was having some serious freak-out issues and instead laid on the floor of my bedroom trying to measure my pulse, because i thought i was having a heart attack. yeah. The place we stayed most of the night used to be a gay bar and I thought it still was...which is why i was so weirded out when all the men i was dancing with started hittting on me. Maybe it was the drugs ( likely it was) but i felt like a little bunny in a room full of wolves.

We went to Edmonton for Christmas. My dad got drunk and wouldnt stop talking, My mother tried to make us eat. Not much new there.

So on boxing day I was taking some toys down stairs for my nephew at my sis' house. She had just got new hardwood floors which i found particularily slippery. Add a to b and yes, while carrying the stuff downstairs I fell down her set of stairs. No. I didnt fall. I fucking BOUNCED on my back down the stairs. Three days later it still fucking kills and my legs, arms, and back are all bruised. I look like someone beat me with a 4X4. My sister suggested i change my name to 'bouncy' from 'juicy' after my little stunt. FAAAAHK.

So new years approaches. I have no idea whats on the menu. Hopefully it will involve non-slip floors.

Hes Making a list, checking it twice...

Its a Hoff-mas Miracle!



So the hours are counting down to the last work day of the year. Fuck man, I really need it.

I did get my Christmas bonus and its very very very sweeeet. Damn straight, it better be. To celebrate I bought a bottle of Baileys and we have all been drinking it for the last hour. My assistant is already looking a little drunk.

Today Jer and I are going to get very drunk after im done at noon. Tomorrow is Hannukah...then to my parents on Sunday. Ill prolly stay there a few days, then will be back to loaf in luxury at my house.

So, in case i dont blog until then, Im wishing everyone:

- Good Tidings

- Cheer

- Not too much weight gain from the holiday eating ( Fun fact: Although i gained 4 llbs in the last year, my body fat index went down 2%. Cool, huh?)

- Many kinky sexual experiences wherein you have a mind blowing orgasm

-Victory to the Oilers.



Have a kickass holiday, everyone!

HNT: We wreath you a Merry Christmas

Doesnt this picture just show how fashion forward I am? Or just maybe that Ive been dipping a little too much Rum in my eggnog while Im at work.

Have a happy one, especially to everyone nekkid, half-nekkid, semi-nekkid, partially nekkid, thinking nekkid and, last but not least, Osbasso...

A song for the holidays

(written while I was on the phone with the other counsel on a particularily nasty file... and no, I really wasnt paying attention to what she was saying. )
Jingle bells, This place smells
Just like wee-wee,

Oh what shit it is to be
In Family court today, HEY!

Go to Hell, You stupid ass
Why cant we adjourn,

I dont care that you dont want
that clause in the order form, OH!

Jingle Bells, This place feels
Like a special hell,

Three more days til Chrimas Break,
And my sorrows I can drink away....HEY!

Its beginning to look a lot like...

...SHITMAS.

(Dont worry, the dog only licked the icing off of half the cookies...)

Guess what i did this weekend? If you guessed got stoned and made cookies, you'd be half right. I also sang along with the Sound of Music.

Jer was away at a hockey tourney, so i had the house to myself. And I pretty much layed on a couch most of the day. Apparently being totally stressed about everyone's Christmas access for their children takes a lot out of you. I feel like i have been run down by a reindeer.

Furthermore, [ insert bitching about the fact that I havent blogged in almost a week.]

Do you know that i sat awake until 100 am last night stressed about work and wondering what i would blog today? Yup. Looks like I didnt think of anything too creative.

Until nest week,
Juicy

Fuck I hate the holidays

People are really squeezing the living shit out of any possible holiday spirit i may have with all the courtroom shit i need to do...

That being said, I am sending out Christmas cards for work this weekend....and decided that I will also send them to people I actually like. After realising that I dont like anyone, I decided that Ill send them to people who ask. So... if you wanna get a card and some various crap and goodies in the mail from me, email me at juicya@drugsmakemecool.com I dont know what im going to send, but i promise it will be something that will make you cry, then scream, then swear, then break into a tiny jig, then shit yer pants, then be embarrassed, then dance some more, then call your elected official and ask them if they like cheese. Yah. THAT good.

You have until Friday. God speed.

Holy crap only 2 weeks...

until this diabolical character comes down the chimney....


(I recommend going here and witnessing the horror that is Santa...)

We had our work Christmas party on Friday...in fact, we closed the office so we could have it. Pretty cool, huh? I started drinking at 100 and was home, wasted, in bed by 930pm. I dont think I horribly embarrassed myself, although I was pretty intoxicated, was throwing up most of the day and answered every question asked of me with 'More shooters!'. One of the good thing about a really small office with people that are cool, is that everyone gets wasted, forgets what they did, and then cant bug others about their behaviour.

My house is infested with vermin. We have a mouse problem and Digi hasnt taken it upon himself to rid the place of any more mice. Jerk. I can hear them in the walls at night and the lazy bum just keeps on napping. I either will be getting a cat soon, or moving cuz I cant handle it. Its pretty gross when all your stuff is covered in mouse shit.

I hate being this busy at work. I dont understand why everyone hates each other that little bit more at Christmas.

My 2 fave shows [ Top Model and Runway] are over now. What will i do without reality tv? I guess i can watch re-runs of Flavour of Love 2, but all those women scare me. Although I think i am going to act more like Buckwild in my life , cuz she cracks me up. She voluntarily leaves the show cuz ' she is afraid dat she will bust her probation by fighting wid dat Noo York bitch'. Awesome.

Janice Dickinson Twelve Days of Christmas

gawd shes creepy...and awesome

Dramatization Only

( Yeah, so we installed a new spam blocker and i havent had any funny spam emails lately. Sorry. Looks like funny random titles are done]

Anyway, I was watching the tv last night and i saw a commercial for Energizer where the pink bunny boosts a spaceship for some aliens. At the bottom of the screen it read " Dramatization only". Ohhhhhh. So if my space ship breaks down, I cant actually use a pink drum playing rabbit to start it up. Its a good thing they cleared that up for me before i tried it. Idiots.

Last night was my final project night for my drama class. I know i havent said much about it since the first class... but its kinda hard to explain some of the stuff. Oh, we looked at each other...then we had to turn away or say a word or move closer. It was dramatic. (See? Doesnt really work in print.) Anyhoo, last night i did just that and i think it worked out well. The director of the theatre actually asked me if i intended to audition any time soon for any pieces at the theatre, because I have a 'natural stage prescence' and i 'out shined' the rest of the class.

{blush) I shit you not.

I told her i thought it was a little premature for me to get into auditioning just yet... but i did sign up for another class next term.

Tonight the Oil play the most hated Carolina Hurricanes. The team that made me cry. I hate them for that. Im worried that the oil are missing some of their best players from injuries...but I dont think thats an excuse for us not to give an asswhupping. Stupid Hurricanes.

At the same time, the Top model finale will be on. Go Caridee go!

A post in 60 seconds

cuz thats all the time i have today. Its super busy. Here is why:

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PARENTS OF CALGARY WHO DO NOT RESIDE IN THE SAME RESIDENCE

Hi Fuckwads

Holy fucking shit people. Would it be so hard on you if you werent an asshole and let [the other parent] see the kids over Christmas break? Honestly. Its going to cost you upwards of 5000 to go to Court, plus give your poor lawyer an ulcer trying to get all this shiznit filed. And really, do you think its easy on the poor kids? Sorry little Johnnny, Daddy doesnt get to see you this Christmas. Instead you can stay here at the condo with mommy and her new friend and his 3 children. No. Daddy wont be sitting at our old house all alone... he has a bottle of Jack Daniels with him.

In closing, SMARTEN THE FUCK UP!

That is all.

I think this post took closer to 3 minutes cuz I had to answer the phone once while typing.

Factually yours

Fun fact: Jer and I may be buying ourselves a Wii for Christmas. I already can anticipate the copies amounts of drugs that will be taken and Doritos which will be consumed during the week i have off between Christmas and New Years. Yes!

Today pretty much is a totally shitty day. Im so frickin tired, coffee aint working, and its crazyy bizzay off the hizzay here in my office. Im actually quite bitchy too and cant type worth a shit. I took three tries to type 'actually'.

So the weekend was a big 'meh'. I saw the Tenacious D movie and if you are a fan, watch it man...if not, prolly wait for video. Can I just admit here for all to see and read that i have a strange sexual obsession for Jack Black? Yeah. So not joking. Something about that short rotund little foul mouthed rocker makes me horny.

Fun fact: I am attracted to both Jack Black AAAAANNNDD Jack White. Isnt that funny? Or not. Im frickin delirious from being tired right now.

I bought this eyemake-up thats supposed to make my eyes look better or something. I dunno, it said 'specially designed for hazel eyes'... what do you think?


I think someone got screwed out of 10.99.

The Digit sat on Santa's lap on Saturday. It was pretty fucking darling. I dont want to be one of those people who dress their dogs up, and call them their children and such...but yeah, I have the pic sitting in a frame on my desk. I might as well get a sweater with reindeer on it and a santa hat im so fucking lame. Haha.



Seriously though, hes pretty cute. Awww, does de diggi-wiggy want a pwesent from santa? did he ask for a new widdle squeaky toy?

Fun fact: When i talk like that I naueseate myself so bad I puke a little in my mouth and then swallow it.

Overpopulated cookies

Maybe Ive been working too hard, but i thought it would be insanely hilarious to buy this little lawn chair for my blackberry to sit in at work. Cuz when Im at work, he gets to rest. Get it? Awwwww. The widdle guy needs sun glasses and a drink with an umbrella.

However now I keep thinking of the South Park episode where the townspeople need to sing a tropical song to the Governor of Colorado to "warm his icy heart with a hot Island song!" to convince him to free a guy named Hat who kills babies in self defence... here is the song

yah, like i said. Im working too hard and losing it.

This procedure involves the talking implants

Its my belly. It misses being out in the open air and not hidden under sweaters and coats.

First the good news: I weighed myself yesterday and Im down about 4 llbs-- putting me within 4llbs of my goal. Exxxceellllent.

Second-- my doggie is a brave hunter. Last night the Digit cornered, caught, and then killed a mouse that was in my kitchen. Last year when i wanted a greyhound sooo much, Jer kept saying we could only get one if it was a mouser. Mission Accomplished [ it just took him a year]

Im still not ready to have Christmas start...but im maintaining my rage more than others. Yesterday I was at the mall and there was this little old man and tiny little lady at the front of the cash register line counting out pennies and dimes and making little chit chat with the cashier...and of course it was busy, there was only one register open, and like 20 people in the line. The dude right behind the old couple starts to lose it, starts swearing at them, telling them to speed up. A lady in front of me yells at them to 'hurry the fuck up'. Personally, I dont really care. I was just heading back to work, no hurry. So anyways, the old man and lady turn around...

THEY WERE A NUN AND A PRIEST. Not even kidding. He had a collar on and she was wearing a grey dress with a huuuge crucifix around her neck. They were buying some sugar cookies...no doubt for orphans or the infirm or the handicapped. The dude who was swearing turned absolutely purple with embarrassment. I believe there is a special place in hell for those who yell and swear at nuns and priests. Especially during the Christmas/ Superbowl of the catholic holy season. When I got up to the till the cashier said to me, 'Man oh man, those people better just go straight to confession now...or there will be no presents from Santa'. 'Or from Jesus', I replied.

My work is having an emergency staff meeting now. Maybe its to declare me as the most awesomest ever. But likely not. Were prolly getting sued for malpractice.

Its a Real Brou-ha ha ( or, Apparently Im really hyper when i blog at the end of the work day)

I should fucking bet on who will win The Bachelor. Not even kidding. Im that good. The funny part is that I dont actually watch the show at all... I just seem to always flip between it and something a lot more entertaining [ This year: Heroes] and see like 5 minutes per episode.

Last night I knew the bubbly one, not the virgin, would win... and even better yet, I picked her back on the first episode. Just like i have for the last 5 editions. Boo-yah.

[Ps I think the show is pretty dumb, but i still cry at the finale]

I never let you see my non- Jane Eyre hair. Its pretty much the most un -Jane Hair around. Fuck I rule.


Speaking of swearing, Ive been a total cuss mouth lately. I actually swore in front of a client...a religious one. [ My exact phrase: "I wont deal with the other lawyer's shit"] Im sure her prayer circle will have something to say about it. Yeah, shes in a prayer circle. They think that she should stay with her husband, although hes a real douche.



(the resemblance is uncanny)

(if you google image douche, shit man, there are some siiiick pictures)

Here are some other pictures from the weekend [pour vous Cinders]....included is one of my patented 'drunk self portrait of the evening'

hotdog domino

I am so frickin tired right now. Jer called his work at 330 am and told them he was coming in late... then came back to bed and snored and tossed and turned until 730, when my alarm went off. Not that i needed it, cuz I never really fell back asleep.

Grrr.

Im trying not to bitch about the weather. Really. Im not. But I cant help it.... its minus thirty. its cold. its windy. its snowing. I shoulda called in sick or something cuz it was damned scary on the roads today and im not looking forward to driving home tonite. Its a day where you shouldnt fucking leave the house man. Why did i?

The hip hop party this year was pretty much as awesome as last years: drunk, stoned, and wearing hotpants. [Note: I do infact need to be drunk and stoned to wear hotpants in minus 30 weather in November] This year however, we realised the bar we go to is in actuality a black hole. I lost my coat 3 times, found it, then it would go missing again. Jer lost a toque. A friend of mine lost 2 hoodies and some gloves...plus she musta bought and then lost 2 packets of cigarettes. I dont know if maybe we were so stoned that we never realised where everything was...or maybe we were so stoned that we didnt realise that we were being stalked by a professional thief or something who knew that we would forget where we put things down and then they could be stolen.

Man oh man, reading that last paragraph makes me wonder if im still high. I feel like Raoul Duke, Doctor of Journalism, right now. Dont let me get started on the Ether!

I had to use that title because Ive been thinking a lot about Kobayashi lately. I loved the short SNL had on a few weeks ago...and while trying to youtube it, I found this...him competing against a bear. Apparently it was a Fox special. Awesome.

Mini Wheat

this song has been stuck in my head ALL FRICKING DAY!

Enjoy

Loveliness Exertion

So along with feeling fat and unnattractive lately, I also feel plain. Like Im sure today I could be cast as Jane Eyre in the next A & E version of it.





Uncanny, isnt it?

So, that being said, I just made an appointment for the works-- and i mean like everything and anything. We're talking Extreme makeover without the creepy plastic surgery. Sadly I wont be able to drop 10 llbs in the process either, but Im working on that.

I tried to watch the AMAs last night between periods of the Flames-Oilers game ( dont worry... Ill talk more about that later...) and these were my observations:

- One of the Pussycat Dolls fell off her chair when she was 'dancing' with it [ substitute 'dance' with 'hump and writhe upon' if you like] Anyways it was pretty funny.

-I wasnt a big fan of Gwen Stefani's wig. But the song was pretty catchy and annoying.

-I didnt recognize Nelly Furtado. She will always be the hippy waif girl from Victoria to me... not some Hip hop Diva type thing

- Oh goody. Jay-Z is "back". woot. I missed his style of music which can only be compared to someone grunting and mummbling along to a song. The same with Puff/P-Diddy/ whatever the fuck hes named.

So now, what you all ( actually, just my sister, and Ridley will read this part...)were waiting for:

BWAHAHAHAHAH The Oilers beat the godless Flames last night 2-1.

Roli the goalie owned Ignila's ass... he couldnt beat him no matter what he tried. Meanwhile, at the other end, Sykora scored 2 goals ( one on a power play) to end the stupid flamers' 6 game win streak. There were only a few times that i was worried or that we screwed up ( Tjarnquist will likely be benched next game). Overall-- a good time was had by all..oilers fans. Lets just say no one at work was overly chatty with me this am... prolly thought id rub it in or something. But no, thats what blogs are for.

Anyways, Im going to go and search the moors for Mr Rochester.

[thats a Jane Eyre reference]

[if you didnt get it, some where your English teacher is crying]

Walrus Old-Fashioned

[there are pictures-- but #$%#$%#%#$^ing blogger wont let me post them. fucker]
TEN YEARS AGO TODAY....

How old were you?
19

Kids?
no

Where did you work?
Co-op Deli

Where did you live?
I cant remember when i moved out of my parents' house-- so either Stony Plain or E-town

Where did you hang out?
The Rev. (sigh) Best.Bar.Ever.
While at school, I hung out at Dewey's

How was your hair style?
Like dark brown and flippy. Actually, its kinda like how it is now. Thats pretty dull.

Did you wear glasses?
contacts

Who was your best friend?
Tanya...Kelly (gulp)

Who was your regular-person crush?
Prolly Kelly, my BF at the time... although i still held a bit of a torch for Chad, my ex.

How many tattoos did you have?
none

How many piercings did you have?
ears only

What car did you drive?
Hyundai pony

What was your worst fear?
prolly working at a deli for the rest of my life

Had you smoked a cigarette yet?
yeah.

Had you been arrested?
No

Had your heart broken?
yup

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Taken.. but still in the early stages

FIVE YEARS AGO TODAY...

How old were you?
24

Kids?
no

Where did you work?
For the first time since i was 15, I was unemployed

Where did you live?
Saskatoon

Where did you hang out?
The Pat [hahah! that place ruled!]

How was your hair style?
Kinda like Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction...but it was also kinda orange

Did you wear glasses?
contacts

Who was your best friend?
Lucia

Who was your regular-person crush?
I think it changed near daily... i believe that was the year i slept with 3/4 of my law college. Or was dating Nate. Or was doing both.

How many tattoos did you have?
none

How many piercings did you have?
I think 6

What car did you drive?
Hyundai excel [ until i crashed it]

What was your worst fear?
having to eventually grow up, stop going to school and [gasp!] work.

Had you smoked a cigarette yet?
yeah. and often.

Had you been arrested?
No

Had your heart broken?
yup

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Um, the first and last one...

**LETS SEE WHERE YOU ARE NOW!!!!!**


NOVEMBER 2006

How old are you?
29..ugh...

Where do you work?
A law firm

Kids?
A greyhound and 2 fish

Where do you live?
calgary. [gawd. 19 yr old me would kick my ass]

Where do you hang out?
wherever fine alcohol is served

What is your hairstyle?
brown and stuff. it used to be orange but it faded

Who is your best friend?
dont have just one... just a random and ongoing cast of characters

Who is your regular-person crush?
jeremy

How many tattoos?
3

How many piercings do you have?
7

What kind of car do you have?
volkswagen jetta

What is your biggest fear?
being:
-fat
-old
-poor
-boring

[take your pick]

Have you been arrested since?
almost

Has your heart been broken?
yup

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter/shopping?
taken n stuff

Vote for Robocop!

[ actual spam line. I didnt even know he was running for something]

So I did do other things than watch shitty movies and look for robots this weekend....

On Saturday was turkey day USA, where i purposely screwed up the recipe for the Pomagranate martinis [ doubled the booze, singled the juice] and got myself and bunch of the girls drunk. Then we watched the Oil win in a shootout [ which, I swear to gawd will eventually be the death of me...Im going to give myself some sort of brain tumour over how stressed out the old shootout makes me] Then we went home, got stoned and watched 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow' which, yes, actually has robots in it.

Sunday Jer's hockey team were invited to play against another team in the Saddledome [ where the godless flames play]. This is the note i wrote to myself on my Blackberry during it:

Le hockey

So here I am watching the stars and the bruins play at the saddledome.... thats the peewee Calgary versions and not teh ones from Dallas and Boston, respectively.

Jer is coaching.and the kids are pretty jacked. I dunno, apparently they like the flames or something. Its the start of the 3rd and its tied at 6 all.

I dont know anyone's name. I just yell 'Go Buddy!' whenever we get the puck.

Getting to be behind the scenes in the 'Dome was pretty cool... of course you have to keep in mind my loyalties...



The sign said 'Authorized Flames personnel only'



Flames dressing room: Thats where they change their diapers



Look who's in net!

Juicy of the Argonauts ( a stoned post for yer enjoyment)

Im watching a really bad version of jason and the argonauts and its the kind wehre all the monsters are realluy bad claymation. I was getting all annoyed about it and i realised, how much better it would be if there were some robots in it....and lo and behold! there was a robot!!!

[ but not like a lost in space type robot...more like a 'man made of metal' type of robot. Anyhoo, I think more movioes would be better if there were robots in them/.

Just thought id share

Afraid of giant spiders, Nell o neil?

(In the spirit of the spam subject lines I keep getting on my blackberry, I am from now on going to have titles that make absolutely no sense and refer nothing to the post at all. Fun huh?)

Am I the only one who is getting pissed at Blogger about this new version they want me to sign up for so badly? Sign up! Sign up! Then I try to and it tells me I am not able to sign up? Fucking make up your mind stupid jerk!

Yeah, Im in the kind of mood to yell at inanimate objects and websites. Oh! Blogger! Think you are so fucking cool in your ray ban sunglasses and white silk scarf! Well know what? You dont fucking rule and I think that cocaine you offered me is cut with speed because it fucking sucks! Your white corvette isnt that fast!Asshole! And stop calling me 'baby'!

Wow, that was kinda fun. For some reason I picture blogger as a character from Miami Vice.

Im actually in a good mood today. I think its cuz Im going to an American Thanksgiving dinner celebration tomorrow. [ except its on Saturday, not Thursday, and we'll be watching Hockey Night in Canada during it and not the football] Im not sure if USA and Canada have different turkey days... I guess Ill figure that out. Just in case, Im preparing a historical tableau of the first thanksgiving and puritans on the Mayflower burning witches and wearing scarlet As on their dresses and such. [yes-- I know that those are a bunch of different stories... artistic license people!]

Speaking of hockey.... how about dem oilers? I [heart] them.

Dont worry, I already pooped.

nataliedee.com

The above comic is funny cuz I just spent the last 1 hour and 45 minutes in pain during a meeting because I really had to poo and I couldnt go. I guess its not that funny after all. Stupid digestive system.

Last night Jer and I managed to lock ourselves out of the house. Actually, Im not going to point fingers, but this is how it transpired:

JER HAS HAND ON DOORKNOB AND IS STANDING ON THE PORCH. JUICY IS ALREADY STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK READY TO WALK TO THE WING PLACE.

Juicy: Do you have your keys?

JER SLAMS DOOR.

Jer: No. Do you?

Maybe it was the drugs he was on, but wouldnt you answer that question BEFORE you slammed the door behind you? Maybe found out that yes, the other person had their keys first? Yeah, maybe its just me.

So anyways, we decided to go for sushi and then hit up some local dive bars to drink while we waited for out basement tenant to come home and let us in. Ahhh, nothin like the smell of stale cigarette smoke and taste of non-premium vodka sevens while listening to a jukebox that plays the Beastie Boys and 'The Devil went down to Georgia' back to back.

I know I said I wouldnt talk about the weather on my blog anymore, but this is interesting: There is a chinook going on right now so its eeerily warm outside. Like Twilight Zone warm.

Whats even weirder is that people act strange when there are chinooks. For example, One of my partners is singing 'Papa Dont Preach' right now outside my office. (Fuck. Not even kidding.) And this is the dude who normally slams the door to his office whenever Im giggling with the receptionist too loud. A bunch of my clients emailed me with weeeird questions. My normally jovial assistant keeps swearing like she has tourettes...And I have a craving for baked beans. Its like frickin bizzaro land here today.

Seriously. I need to hit the gym or something.

Fuck. The updates. Why is it so hard for me to post lately? I really dont know and, therefore, shall not attempt to give you an answer.

I spent the long weekend being an absolute slob. There were days that i didnt leave the house and wore sweatpants. Im so slovenly lately Im afraid Im turning into my dog. Seriously. And that guy knows a lot about hanging around and doing nothing. Even when i was unemployed i made a point of leaving my place at least once a day... Sheesh. Im embarrassed just typing this.

On a somewhat (but not really) similar note, I had quite the wardrobe malfunction today at the Courthouse. No, I didnt nip slip a judge again, instead I split the seam of my pants like a fat person. Luckily, it was in the courthouse library and no one was around. I dropped my copycard and had to climb over the copier and RRRRIIIPP. The saddest music in the world.

I had to go across the street and buy a new pair of pants. And now because I was feeling fat and unnattractive ( and yes, the new pants are fairly stretchy so it wont happen again), I had to do what all women do when they feel sad. I bought shoes.

Somewhere, a man just rolled his eyes.

I didnt just buy shoes-- I bought 2 pairs of expensive shoes. One pair is sensible, but saucy, and are something I can wear to court. The other pair is ridiculous, very high heeled, and black patent leather. Guess which pair im wearing now with my stretchy, fat person, I-cant-believe-I-split-my-other-pants, pants? Hells yeah.

HNT: Bootsy

I usually hide these babies under my dress pants... I decided that my poor saucy boots needed a chance to shine in all their potentially slutty glory. Enjoy!

Click here and join Os and everyone else playing peek-a-boo this week....

New room mate

This is Fernando. His name caused almost every person in my office to roll their eyes... but the cool people (ie. Oiler fans) know why his name rules.

Porn and Pony Show

Its official: I take a poop between 9:10- 9:20 each morning. I dont know why I decided to post this tidbit. I guess Im just kinda excited because it means Im regular. Thats pretty cool.

So I had 2 totally weird and unconnected dreams last night...or so I thought.

The first one, I was looking everywhere for the names of the first series of My Little Ponies. I could remember Blossom, Cotton Candy, Butterscotch, Bluebell, and Snuzzle... but that was all. I was wandering through West Edmonton Mall and couldnt find the other ponies anywhere. [I guess because it was in WEM I should really count that dream as a nightmare. I hate that place] Finally, I decided to give up and just go bungee jumping instead.

The next dream occurred after Jer woke me up at 330Am to ask me what time it was. Man does that shit piss me off. Look yourself for gawd sakes.

Anyway, I was in Vegas with Jeremy and my gay best friend and we were wandering around in what resembled the REd Light district in Amsterdam. After we walked around for a while a guy asked me if I was interested in making some money. WE all decided it was a good idea...and I was given these red thigh high boots and red wig and taken to my window. I dont actually recall if i made any money....as the next part of my dream involved me being at the beach...

Anyways, so this morning Im still thinking about the pony question and decide to google it... and come across this link
Apparently I am not the only one who has pondered both MLP and the sex trade at the same time.


Ps. This is the ponies I missed: Minty



PPS. I only got 6 out of 12 on that quiz.

Beige.

Im like super shitty about updating lately. Id like to think its because im so busy doing exciting and wonderful things... but its not. If anything, its cuz nothing has been happening thats really exciting or worth posting and I dont want to bore you with my boringdom. My boringness. My boringateria.

So instead Im going to throw out the little things that have been going down which arent worthy of their own post, but are still semi-interesting.

-Im wearing beige. I feel drab and blah in beige.

-Im still infuriated to the point of kicking some ass or killing someone over the game on Friday. If you are an Oilers fan, you know what Im talking about. If you're not... then you should look it up because it makes me way to angry to explain it.

-I have a T-shirt coming from Married to the Sea Guess which one? Its pretty obvious, I think. Then again, I think most of them were pretty funny.

-Do you remember friendship pins? What was the deal with those? I like you, so here is a safety pin with 4 beads on it. Were these big anywhere else? They were fucking gangbusters in Spruce Grove.

-The Digit is in Flyball-- y'know that dog thing thats always on OLN where they jump and then catch a ball and run back. I think we may drop out cuz the Dig is so busy trying to see what everyone else is doing that he doesnt care about doing his own stuff. He only wants what the other dogs have. If he was a person, hed totally be into fads...but only if he saw the cool kids do it first.

-I have a new fish. Its an algae sucker. His name is Hoover.

- I dont know what size of pants i wear. My pants in my closet go from size 8 (gasp!) to 2 (yippeee!). I want to buy new ones but I dont know where to start. At least I know what size of jeans i wear.... sorta.

-If you have a blackberry, I think you rule.

Thats all for now. Ill try to think of something interesting for tomorrow. I may start telling stories of my sordid past cuz they're a lot cooler than my present.

Gopher guts

Last night, we had candy, we had a punkin...and we had NO kids come trick or treating to our house yesterday. I am a halloween failure.

In other news, this is the biggest news story in Calgary right now. Seriously.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders mascot 'Gainer the Gopher' is not allowed to come to our stadium for the Western semi-final in the CFL.

Yup. Thats the hot story right now... and tons of people have a big exasperated and passionate opinion about the "issue". Im sure every blog in Calgary will will blabbing about this. As a Calgary blogger... I am going to say....

WHO. FUCKING. CARES.

And thats it.

(And yes I like the CFL. I may actually go to the game on Sunday. I just dont give a fuck about whether the 'Riders can or cannot bring their mascot. Seriously. There are people dying in the world.)


This is Gainer. Im not scared, are you?

Holla- Ween!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!








Something wicked this way comes....

hooray for

Ferrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnaaaaaaannnndooooo!

Yippeee! He musta heard my cheering! The scoring drought is over!

ps I likr vodka. And the oilers.

I think I just got growled at

Not even kidding.

People have been really crabby and irritable lately around here. I got yelled at by 3 different people yesterday on the phone. A man at Digit's class refused to talk to me when i asked him about his dog (the dog was super cute and friendly and was lunging at me wagging her little stump tail--shes a little Boston Terrier named Cricket-- maybe she was so happy because I was talking to her in a happy voice and not being an old scowly jerk.) This morning I had to stand in a line up for filing at Court and pretty much all everyone around me did was bitch, bitch, bitch. And then five minutes ago I was growled at.

Let me re-create the scene. (Remember? Im an Actooor now)

OFFICE OF JUICY. 1245 PM. OUTSIDE IS COLD AND DRIZZLY. JUICY IS READING HER PHONE MESSAGES BY THE FRONT COUNTER. A WOMAN, APPROX. AGE OF 45-55 WALKS IN TO THE OFFICE. JUICY LOOKS UP WHEN THE WOMAN ENTERS AND SMILES.

Juicy: Hi, there

Woman: Are you the lawyer around here?

J: Depends what you are looking for. What is it regarding?

W: I need this document filed. [[HOLDS UP PIECE OF LOOSELEAF PAPER]

JUICY, SENSING IT IS SOMETHING SHE DOESNT WANT TO HELP THIS PERSON WITH, TAKES IT FROM HER AND READS IT. ITS SAYS STATEMENT OF CLAIM ON THE TOP...AND THEN HAS 5 LINES WHERE A BUNCH OF AMOUNTS ARE WRITTEN DOWN AND TOTALLED.

J: Is this an injury claim? Cause if it is...

W:...No! Its not an injury claim! Its the money I want from my neighbour! Are you a lawyer? Because it needs to be filed! Now! today!

J: Oh OOOOOkay. We dont file documents here. Thats at the Courthouse.

W: I know that! I know what a courthouse is. I need you to tell me if its right and then file it.

J: Ok. You'll need to make an appointment, Let me see what is in [Partner #1] schedule...

W:GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOWL
(and yes. thats exactly how it sounded)

j; Im sorry?

W: Im not making an appointment. GRRRRRRROWL. This is pointless.

WOMAN RIPS PAGE OUT OF JUICY'S HAND AND LEAVES OFFICE. JUICY STANDS THERE DUMBFOUNDED AND WONDERS IF ITS 5PM YET AND SHE CAN GO HOME

Yeah.

In other news, I found something to wear for Halloween this year. Its fucking awesome. I was inspired by my new ringtone on my new cell phone. I also got a new cell phone. Its a blackberry and pure awesome unconcentrated.

Halloween HNT (sorta)

Okay, this week's theme came up on me by surprise. So I looked thru my pics here on my computer and found the following as options for Halloween costumes...

Costume #1: Deer

1. Get high in the wilderness
2. Put hands on head as 'antlers'
3. Prance



Costume #2: Chuck Norris

1. Get drunk at home
2. Think about how awesome you are
3. Roundhouse kick anyone who disagrees
(Note: Pants are optional)



Costume #3: Hooters Girl

1. Have friend lend you a hooters tanktop as a joke
2. Actually wear it in public
3. Have people use you as an object ( Here: I am a bottle holder)



Feel free to use any ideas for yourself!

For some actually decent costume folk, go see Osbasso!

Why Sunday isnt Friday

Ive been delinquent lately. Its almost been a week. I suck, its true.

Part of the reason [besides being lazy and boring] is that I decided to go on a Class 1 drinking binge on Sunday evening/night. With 'Sunday is the New Friday!' as my battle cry, I managed to bob and weave thru various bars in Calgary, stopping only to sing some heavy metal kareoke, eat some oysters, or watch a band.

Now, lemme tell you why Sunday ISNT the new friday. After drinking heavily -- including getting it in my pea brain that shots of jack daniels is a good idea-- I went home...passed out...and then awoke at 500 am and began projectile vomiting. I was so drunk i couldnt even drunk blog. I think i contemplated it, but it didnt seem like a good idea when i couldnt feel my fingers. Or my face. Or much of anything.

What made all this worse, is that i had to go to court on Monday morning at 930. I managed to stop puking long enough to do it...but puked twice at the office when picking up the file and 4 times in my car on the way home. Niiiiiice.

And now: The pictures



A Manhattan-- which is basically booze mixed with more booze, and then booze added with a garnish. Its also what i tasted every time i threw up over the next day.



Meanwhile, Jer drank a fruity, peachy, malibu infused girlie drink..in a Tiki cup. Wheres the umbrella? And ,no, he didnt get sick at all.



I think im yelling... or maybe roaring. I dunno. Maybe its when i was getting ready to sing that song by RATT at the heavy metal kareoke.



I took 20 self portraits of me yelling...and approx. another 10 of me making this kissy face.

Half Nekkid on a Thursday afternoon

This is actually a real true HNT pick... i took it on a Thursday. I think it was actually the lower half of this picture.

Despite what it was for, a girl can never go wrong with a 'beater and leopard print undies...

Go see some other action at Os' site. Hooray for HNT!

Alls fair in love and Turkey Soup.

It snowed today. Fuckin hell. And not a happy little skiff of snow either...a friggin sloppy mucky blobby dumping of snow. Like mashed potatoes all over your car. My response to the weather was to dress like a Russian raver eskimo-- giant fur hat, fur hood, green wooly scarf, big silver rave shoes. Awesome. I actually wore that at work until about 20 minutes ago.

I have decided to not bitch about the weather anymore. Im not an old guy in a small town restaurant drinking bottomless cups of coffee. I have many many other things to talk/bitch about.

I did absolutely fuck all this weekend. The highlight was making soup. I wish i was kidding. Im not. Turkey soup-- its how the real party people rock out. Maybe I lied. I should go back to talking about the weather.

It must be getting close to Christmas cuz i have the urge to make gingerbread cookies. C'mon, think about it. Doesnt a nice warm gingerbread cookie with icing on it sound good right now?

Partly because i have already spoken about everything i had to talk about [snow? check. old guys? check. gingerbread? check. Turkey soup? Yippee yahoo! Wheeeee! check.] and also because i have a client here, Im going to end this post by stealing something from Itchy. I will even quote her:

All you gotta do is fill in the blanks. And like (Itchy) said "...be honest. I can take it. Really."

I ____ Juicy.
Juicy is ____.
Juicy thinks a lot about _______.
When I think of _________, I think of Juicy.
If I were alone in a room with Juicy, I would _______.
I think Juicy should _____.
Juicy needs ______.
I want to ____________ Juicy.
If I could describe Juicy in a word: _______.

So, just fill in the blanks in the comments section. If I like your answers, maybe ill act them out or something. Actually, maybe ill chose one answer from each person who fills it in and somehow act it/do it/buy it etc. Huh. That sounds pretty exciting...but not as exciting as..... (get ready for it)

(its coming)

TURRRRKEEEEY SOOOOOUP!

PMS induced mindless moodswing babble

I received some nasty emails/ publicity about my last post-- which i always find amusing. So maybe I should just do a little caveat about how i dont really hate all stupid people, i dont think that i am without fault, i dont claim to be perfect, I understand that not everyone has had the benefit of a university education....blah...blah..blah. Whatever. I put up with a lot of people who dont understand things and need my help etc...i aint trashin those people... in fact i know that its part of my job. Im talking about one really person. So lay off, okay?

[Note: The hate mail was less than my tirade against Irina [remember her?]...but slightly more than my jesus-on-a-dog's ass]

Im in a weird mood today. I blame the PMS and cramps. Its one of those days where i really wish that i was an unemployed junkie so i could just lay around all day and not pretend to be busy. Ive also noticed that around the 'time of the month' I also want to go shopping...but then get upset because im bloated and dont look good in things. I also hate my hair....but Ive hated that for a while, so its no big deal. I just dont think i should do anything about it until i cease being a furious hormonal tempest of rage/apathy/sadness.

I bet all my male readers loved that last paragraph. Snort!

Did you know i was a snorter when i laugh? I am. Its embarassing and seems to increase substantially with drug usuage. If I made a graph it would look like this:


Except the horozontal or 'x' axis [are you impressed i remember that? me too] would read DRUG USE and the 'y' axis would be SNORTING and the title wouldnt be about War Veterans but 'Juicy's Snorting as Affected by Drug Use'.

I cant believe this week isnt over yet. Its 1100 am and i want to go home. Now. I think ill go for a 2 hour lunch. Remember how cool it was when you were a kid if someone asked you what your fave subject in school was and you said 'Lunch' or 'Recess'. Yeah, I still always said 'English'. Huh.

Ok im all over the board today. I could just keep babbling all day. I think you can almost follow my mood swing along with me in your book [post, actually]. I started angry, then got goofy, then hungry, then wistful.

Possibly the stupidest person in the world just came into my office.

She was prolly 70 years old, but I usually wont let someone being elderly as a complete excuse for them being dumb.

This woman has been in before. She didnt understand the 'language' on a form for her life insurance and wanted me to explain it to her. So i read the document which, basically, said in plain english 'if you want to end your policy, please fill in the form provided and mail it to us. I read this out loud to her and she said she understood. Form. Fill it in. Mail it. Done.

Three months later she comes in again. Now she has the form from the company....but still doesnt understand it. She doesnt know what shes supposed to do. The letter with the form read as follows [almost verbatim]

Dear Ms. Stupidhead

Please sign the form provided and return it to us by mail in the envelope provided. We have indicated where you are to sign with an arrow. Thank you

The form was one page. On the bottom, there was a line with her name written under it and a HUGE yellow stickie next to it reading SIGN HERE. The line was also highlighted green.

She asks me. What am supposed to do? It doesnt make any sense to me.

I say 'Sign where your name is'

'I dont understand. Cant you do it for me?'

'No' [ taking a pen off my desk putting it in her hand and putting pen on the line] Just sign here'.

'Sign what?'

'Your name'

'Where?'

'On the line. Its green. And has an arrow' [pointing at the line]

'But what am I supposed to do with it?'

'SIGN. YOUR. NAME' [she does it...finally]

'But now what do i do? How will they get this?'

'Mail it.' [pointing to line on the letter which says to mail it] 'And in this envelope' [pointing to envelope].

'Can you write that down for me so i can remember?'

'Its already written here' [taking out yellow highlighter and higlighting letter]

'But I dont understand what that letter means!'

...

Well, I could go on... but honestly, I really just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and then punch her right in the gob. But I didnt. I wrote down the directions for how to mail a letter on a piece of paper. It was really sarcastic, but I think she thought i was being very descriptive. I actually wrote 'Moisten edge of envelope. You may want to use a sponge'

Chuck Norris, Fat people and poop

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

So I survived turkey day and the merriment which surrounded it. I bought the lazy person turkey-- pre stuffed, pre prepped, throw it in the oven still frozen, seven hours later... turkey perfection. The pie was also super good. I still think i should quit my day job and just make pies for a living. Good times. Good times.

I almost didnt survive dinner last night, though. Jer and I went to a chinese restaurant with an 'all you can eat' Hot Pot. To some people its a meal, to us its an experience. We havent learned from past meals where we over order and then literally get run out of the place. Even though we had noooo idea of the serving sizes, we ordered 2-4 servings of each meat and veggie. Sadly, each serving was 4 pieces. We ate so much i literally thought i was about to die. Then this morning I had possibly the worst gas and indigestion ever. (Why am I telling you this? Because its my fuckin blog and I think this type of shit is plain funny. )


Anyways Im buying him this from TLC: The all-you-can-eat buffet is not a
challenge.

I decided this morning, which was cold and dreary, that i am buying a remote car starter today. Fuck this shit. Im not going out and warming my car every morning like a chump. Thats what robots are for.

I have no motivation today. I just feel like ranting and pooping.

Tuuuuurkey Time...

And Im feelin fine!

Its Canadian Thanksgiving...which in Canada we just call 'Thanksgiving'.

Im making a turkey. Well, actually im just cooking it. It came made already. I did make a pie. That I DID have to make myself. There will also be yams, roast veggies, and some thing else. I dont recall what.

Did i mention how high i am?

yeeeeaaah dude.

Theres the packers game on. Sweet. I think i am going to write a play about thansksgiving and make my friends act it out. About pilgrims and natives and laura secord and her cow saving canada from the USA. Not her cow that saved canada, she did. She just had a cow. HAha. Dont have a cow laura secord.

I can already smell the turkey. mmmm 4.5 more hours.

I think im going to make arts and craft decorations. Like hand turkeys. [Jer doesnt knpw what those are]

later

HNT: Its boobie time again!

As I did last year, I submitted the above picture to Boobiethon-- a site where guys and gals send in pictures of their mammaries and, for a donation, people can view some topless shots and give to a worthwhile cause.

Nudity AND charity at once? Sign me up!

Go see boobiethon here

Go see some other action at Os' site here

p.s. maybe i sent in a topless shot... guess you'll have to make a donation to find out

Hey Asshole!

If you are the owner operator of the above truck, this post is for you.

First, let it be known that I hate you. Not only for the harm you do to the environment by driving a GIANT truck. Not only because you are likely someone who lives 5 blocks from work, yet you need to drive this huge gas guzzler. Ever heard of walking asshole? Its great...except when you are enveloped in exhaust fumes while trying to get fresh air because some lazy fucking yuppie who has likely never been to a farm, yet needs a truck that could drag a barn is fucking up the atmosphere with all his gas burning.

I also hate you because this insane, behemoth of a tank you call your 'car' takes up 1.5 parking spaces in an area of the city where parking is at a premium. A place where i have to go 3 or 4 days of the week to go to court. So i need to spend MORE time trying to find a spot to park because you think you need 2. And do you pay for 2, I fucking doubt it.

The main reason I hate you? Today, while I was at court, you couldnt find 2 open parking spots....so instead you parked right against my car. RIGHT fucking against it. The door handles of your truck were pressed against my side window. Luckily for me, fuckwad, I was able to squeeze in thru my other door.

If i ever see your stupid house of a vehicle, I will kick it. Hard. And I am going to this site and getting stickers for you.

Thanks for ruining the environment and generally being a stupid fuck,

Juicy

'Dickfarm'

Im in a bit better of a mood today. Sure last night I was stood up to go to a rock show and have no one to go to the Oilers game with this Saturday...but well, I dunno. I guess Im not as pissed as yesterday.

Last night, while sitting in the bathtub, I decided something. Im approaching 30-- and it sucks...but Im not going into 30 with a whimper, im going into 30 with a bang. However, I havent realised what that means just yet. Will keep you posted.

What brought on the doom and gloom about 30-- and the subsequent 'fuck that melancholy '-- was I was thinking about Jackass. Ya see, Ive been thinking a lot about Jackass. I saw it on Saturday and every 20 minutes or so since then, I will erupt into laughter thinking about it. While in Court yesterday morning I had to stifle a giggle because the phrase 'dickfarm on my ass' popped into my head. [and with typing that, I just spend 10 minutes laughing til tears came from my eyes]

Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh right. 30. So I was thinking about how those guys are all over 30-- and they are still stupid. Thats pretty cool. So instead of being the pathetic '30 year old on a BMX (roll eyes)' ... I will be 'holy crap, shes 30 and on a BMX (exclamation point)'.

Haha. Seriously. Go see Jackass 2. Fuck. You know how they have the warning at the beginning and end of the show? Yeah, thats for people like me who, after seeing the movie, have an urge to run into street signs full speed, take shopping carts down dangerous hills, and see how far I can jump my bike off a building. Oh, and I wont stop talking about shit. I was very happy to see more dookie humour in this film when my fave skits in the first movie all involved poop.

This has nothing to do with the rest of the post, I just thought it was really cool. Its a Mario Wedding cake.



(Note: I just posted this...came back to the site. Read the post title and began giggling like an idiot again)

grumble grumble

Man am i in a pissy mood today. And now let me tell you why:

I get crabby when im really tired.

Im extremely tired because 'someone' who took the day off work to celebrate Yom Kippur decided to go drinking last night after his hockey game and came home at 5 in the fucking morning. So I went from being worried as to why he wasnt home on a Sunday night 2 hours after the bars close...to being infuriated when he waltzed into bed and said that 'oh, i shouldnt worry, dont I KNOW who he is?' Fucking idiot. And then, instead of letting me fall back asleep, continued talking to 'charm' me. GGGGRRRR!

Its also fucking cold outside today and, for some unknown reason, all weekend the air conditioning was on at the office. Its so cold my ass is almost freezing to the chair.

Fuck. Another client is here. Its time for another client. Im also super fucking busy and all i want to do is lay in bed with the blankie over my head for the rest of the day.

HNT: Workin' Late

Y'know how people joke that TV anchormen and women dont wear pants when they are TV...and you cant see it because of their news desk?

Guess what? Maybe lawyers are the same.

For more people showin' what the good lord gave em...see Osbasso