Beginning of a New Month...

Means that Ive realised im broke, in debt up to my eyeballs, and dont know how i am ever going to break even...so i start looking into getting consolidation loans or new credit cards with lower limits...

It also means, sadly, Im in the mood to go shopping and buy a bunch of stuff i obviously cannot afford or really need. (Jer would prolly kill me if i bought stuff right now, our place is quelle disastre!)

I also think, as my $70.00 gym payment comes out of my account, that I should go to the gym more. Get back to the shape i was in when i was hitting the gym 5 times a week.

Luckily, by tomorrow I will have abandoned these lofty plans yet again. Whew.

The first of the month also means i am procrastinating big time at work right now. So here is a meme that Cindy "nudged" me to do....

Seven things I want to do before I die:
1. Learn how to Surf
2. Get high on Haight and Ashbury
3. Eat a hot dog in Times Square
4. Kiss the Blarney Stone
5. High-Five the Sphinx
6. Attend Carnivale in Rio
7. Go on a Hello Kitty Shopping Spree in Japan

Seven things I can do [aka My "skills"]:
1. Hump
2. Masturbate
3. Bake cakes, cupcakes, pastries, pies etc. [ I useda work in a bakery...]
4. Dance [im an ex raver]
5. Parallel park like a super star
6. Be very diplomatic [ like tell people they are full of shit in a way that they think im actually complimenting them...]
7. Drink Heavily

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Stop orgasms once they've started
2. Roll my tongue [its a genetic thing... i read it somewhere]
3. Not answer out loud to Jeopardy
4. Nap for more than an hour [ i get cranky]
5. Live without sex [ i get cranky]
6. Live on a budget [stole this one from Cindy...but its so true]
7. Stay quiet when i see pro-life protesters.

Seven things I say a lot:
1. Dude!
2. What?
3. Totally [ i sound like a valley girl all the time]
4. Motherfucker! [ usually combined with another word like Motherfucking Asshole! Motherfucking Cunt! Motherfucking Motherfuck! etc etc]
5. I need a drink
6. You people are making me bonkers!
7. What doing?

[ED Note:I just asked my assistant about things i often say and she added that i often say FUCK! FUCK! FAAAAAAAAAAAACK! very loudly while Im working... apparently i have tourettes.]

Seven things I find attractive in the opposite sex:
1. Dark hair and eyes
2. broad shoulders
3. calf muscles
4. a goofy sense of humour
5. geeky-ness [ knowing alot about comic books, video games, Homestar Runner, etc. is HOT!]
6. being snuggly
7. cleverness

Seven celebrity crushes:
1. Dave Mirra
2. Vince Vaughn { im my mind, Jennifer Aniston has moved up in the world..]
3. Johnny Knoxville
4. Zack Braff
5. David Duchovny
6. Bill Clinton [ yes, im serious.]
7. Ewen McGregor

Seven people who have to do this next:
1. who
2. ever
3. wants
4. to
5. do
6. this
7. dude

Happy Halloween

Fuck Im tired.

Moving sucks... and the cleaning of the apartment following moving sucks even more. I have dishwater hands, vacuuming elbow, and housemaids back [ i dont think those actually are medically certified ailments, but its my way of saying my body fucking hurts].

The Intersection of 13 and 13 is mine only in cyberspace. The actual apartment now belongs to some chick named Chelsea. Sigh. A lot of crazy shit happened in that place.

Its Halloween! Woot. Im not going to any parties or any thing, but Jer and I are dressing up as Wilma and Fred Flintstone to hand out candy. Ill try to get a picture, [although im not sure how i will download it with all my computer and camera stuff somewher in a box in my room...]

Typing this hurts my hands. [yes, im serious. sad, huh?] So Im going to do some work. Should be more relaxing.

Here is something keeping in the holiday spirit... horror movies acted out by bunnies

The Shining

The Exorcist



and my personal fave...

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Camel Toads (yes, im procrastinating at work right now...)

Click on picture. Laugh. Rinse. Repeat.



To find Camel toads... go see Cindy's site

Crazy? Need a Lawyer? Call 1-800-Juicy!

Wow, 49 comments... colour me impressed. I assumed it was long coming, but my beloved Jer was not too happy about people on the interweb looking at my panties. So just when the HNT-ing was getting saucy, it will likely need to go tame again.

Work has been very weird again lately. A lot of nutbars calling looking for legal representation. Yesterday, one dude called and asked how many trials i had won...because he needs a winner and he will only retain a "winner". I explained that although i have had many clients, i usually settle out of court on civil matters, so i have, technically never "won" a trial.... well. to this guy, this meant i was, in fact, a loser. I encouraged him to call lawyer referral and to request a winner there.

There has also been a lot of people who have been calling with really stupid lawsuits they plan to start. Like against the cable company because their cable was out and they missed a Flames game [Personally, I think the cable company should be rewarded for that. Boo Flames!]...so they want 10,000 in damages for mental anguish. Yeah. Thats going to happen. People seriously injured in car accidents dont get 10,000 for mental anguish... not losers who have to get off their fat asses and go to a neighbourhood pub to watch their crappy hockey team.

My number one favourite crazy guy right now is this dude who came in with an Intellectual Property issue with patents [ i dont do that type of law BTW, so there alone i wasnt interested] but quickly went from his legal issues....to the fact that hes a "numerical logic" expert and that he predicted 9-11, the Bali bombings, the bombing in the London tube and also a bombing that was supposed to happen in Calgary last week, but the bombers knew he was on to them, so they changed their plans. He claims to be on a first name basis with Condoleeza Rice, George Bush Sr. [ but not Jr. because they had a falling out] and the Canadian Prime Minister.

So while this dude is going on and on and on about this... im just sitting there with a dumb grin on my face trying to get him out of the office. I tell him that the consultation is over and that i have another appointment, and Im sorry that i cant continue to listen to his story. Oh, no worries. He pulls out a 100 page document and tosses it on my desk. He has the whole story here with him in this paper... the government doesnt need this copy, so i can keep it.

Yes, Ive read it. The first page begins by explaining how everything that has the number 10 in it, somehow explains George Bush Sr. Everything with a 3, revolves around terrorists. He had to move because his address had two "3s" in it.... [and yes, it goes on from there]

So, back to trying to be a somewhat professional person, i tell him i dont do patent law so i cant help him. He seems to understand and accept this answer and leaves. Since Tuesday, he has called about 15 times to check to see if i changed my mind. Yesterday, he "stopped by" twice to see me.

I think im going to tell him that i live at the intersection of 13 and 13... those 3s will label me as a terrorist for sure and he may leave me alone.
However, it may also let him know where he could 'stop by' to see me on the weekend.

Speaking of such, Im almost all moved out of my apartment. The final moving will happen Sunday... likely when hung over [although i think i always move hung over, stoned on pot, or on a big comedown from a coke binge].

Alright, back to work. The crazies of Calgary need me.

PS: To the guy who said i wasnt a winner.... check it out!

HNT# 6-- Thigh high Gemini

Im early posting [but changing the date bc im a cheater] because Im not sure if Ill be able to make it to a computer until like 1 pm tomorrow...and by then, there will already be like 300 posters...




Yes...

- Im a Gemini. Anyone who has seen me in the midst of one of my near bi-polar moodswings could likely attest to this. There are 2 sides of me...however, neither are reasonable.

- Im into Astrology. A lot of people think its bunk. I dont.

- I know it looks like a big roman numeral 2.

This concludes the "Juicy's Ink" series on HNT. I could start a "Juicy's piercings" section next week, but i really really really do not like to show those to the public.

For more half-nekkidness... go see the man

A post about nothing and everything all at once

Still reeling from the blognhottie thing....my sis called me last night to congratulate me, one of my ex bf's [mila-- and i still cant remember why i dubbed you that on here...] had "i dated a blognhottie" as his msn name yesterday, and i didnt look at my body with too much scorn in the mirror last night.

The headache which has been lodged behind my left eye for the last week is getting progressively worse. I believe it corresponds directly to how close my moving day is...which also corresponds directly to how messy my apartment has become. I hate living out of boxes and with meager supplies. Especially when they are somehow spread across the whole of my apartment.

However, the headache got much much much worse after i watched the Oilers game last night. I know I know... I shouldnt take their 7 game losing streak so personally...but I do. Its like im in an abusive relationship. Oh Oilers, why do you hurt me so...and why do i keep coming back from more? Maybe its more of an S and M thing. I keep cheering cuz they cause me so much pain.

Work is also pretty stressful. Im in court this afternoon [ this post has been drawn out over an hour now as i write a sentence or 2 every few minutes of solitude] and again tomorrow.

Now Im going to give some props to some blog buddies. Congrats to:

Lulu, who won a Kareoke contest

CBK, who has had 10,000 visitors

Camo Girl, whose Blog is worth $19,758.90. [which is approx 19,758.90 more than what mine is worth]

Cindy, who has a continuing mission to remind us of the dos and donts of gas station etiquette and

Carrie, who is regularily "gettin some" .

Say What?!

http://blognhotties.blogspot.com

Apparently i am a blogging hottie.

I just wish they put up pictures of me that were more flattering... the one where i was body surfing and was bleeding? yeah, i really dont think is that sexy at all.

I guess im pretty honored. Mostly cuz I have never at any time felt that i was a hottie. [despite the fact that my 7 yr old nephew assures me that i am all the time]

Someone's Got a case of the Mondays

The only thing worse than spending all Friday vomiting, is coming to work on Monday and seeing the huge pile of work on your desk that you were supposed to do on Friday. Its like every single one of my clients needed me on Friday or Thursday night...called and left strange crytic messages with my assistant and then faxed or emailed me something equally odd. Weird.

My weekend pretty much sucked. I actually think i enjoyed Friday's pukefest more than Saturday's pack-fest. Yes. I would rathe retch my guts than organize and pack my shit into boxes.

Thats all i have to say for now. Too busy and crabby....and Im not even going into the 7 -1 loss of the Oilers on Friday to the Avs.

there are few things more humbling

than waking up in a pile of your own vomit...

except now, i see that i decided to blog while wasted. and write that i had sex.

good golly. im going back to bed.

THISIS JUST2 SAY

FUCK
Im W=ASTED
[withougt csps lock 0
seriouisly why did my oileers lose? so suclky
juict needs a dwrink

AFTER all shre drank alaredy

Half- Nekkid Thursday Numero 5

I never realised that I look like a 12 yr old boy from the back until now.

I originally planed to post this last week...but i decided last minute not to post 2 shots of my tattoos back to back [haha 'back'...get it. shit.] on HNT.

This tattoo, alike the last, had something to do with a boy. The symbol for infinity has many different interpretations... here are some of the ones i have used to 'explain' it in the past:
- that I had moved on from my one ex, that life had gone on, etc. etc. and now i was happy with Dumbass, the guy i was with at the time i got it. [mental note: stop getting tats with boys]
- after Dumbass and I not so pleasantly parted ways, I decided that it meant that i was stuck in a continuous loop of getting stomped on by guys that i fell in love with. [melodramatic little fucker, aint i?]
- Two years later, and following my newer, 'que sera sera' attitude, it represents that I should just keep on keepin on cuz life just keeps moving along. [whoa that rhymes] If things are bad...just wait. It will pass.

Of course, if someone asks me, I just say that 8 is my lucky number and they drew it on sideways.

For all things half- nekkid, go here

Its been 24 hrs...

Who wants to go for cocktails?! I'm buying! Im sure there is a place that has 'happy hour' at 930 am....

WTF?!

MannequinMom

I really dont know how to explain it... just go there. Creeeeepy.

Fuck I need a drink!

I never realised how much i loved drinking until it was taken away.

I have been taking this medication for the past week in which i am not able to drink alcohol. And its not one of those "suggested" things either: its the bloody law. The drug is the same shit they give to recovering alcoholics to prevent them from sneaking in a drink or 2... within minutes of having alcohol in your bloodstream you become evilly physically ill. And, gentle readers, if you have been following along with me in your books, I can usually drink myself to vomiting, but at the 15- 18 drink stage. NOT at one.

Normally, I just like drinking...however, right now we are totally in NEED a drink stage. Why?:

- brutal loss of my beloved Oilers to those cocksucking, stupid motherfucker Flames. In fact, a fucking shut out.

- stress of moving. I really really hate moving. Im uber happy to be moving in with Jer, but i still hate the process.

- Ikea furniture. Alan keys are not my friends. Nuff Said.

- did i mention the Flames thing. GRRR!

Well, I have 2 days left on my prescription... then its 24 hrs to get it out of my system... then its fucking go time. I should make sure i dont have any Thursday morning appointments. I have a feeling i may be a little hungover.

As a side note, here are some other "fun" side effects of that drug:

vaginal irritation, discharge, or dryness not present before use of this medicine; black, tarry stools; blood in urine or stools; clumsiness or unsteadiness; frequent or painful urination; inability to control urine flow; mood or other mental changes ; nausea and vomiting; pinpoint red spots on skin ; sense of pelvic pressure; skin rash, hives, redness, or itching; sore throat and fever; stomach and back pain (severe); unusual bleeding or bruising

They forgot "desire to drink heavily". Although that "mood or other mental changes " may explain a lot.

All Juicy all the time!

I saw that people had those '100 things about me' pages [or how Cindy who just did a really big survey] and decided to do one myself.

However, not wanting to only pick 100 things about myself [or to be more honest, to find 100 things about me that i decided to disclose], i just decided to do an "about" page.

Beyond the Intersection: About Juicy A
I'll prolly add to it now and then... just check it out on my sidebar thingy --> feel free to comment and ask more questions. Its like an interview with Juicy that you control. All interactives like.

Woot.

Ready to ride into the sunset on my wedding stallion...

You are LaFawnduh. Why are you so sweaty?


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I totally got busted on the internet by my assistant because this made me laugh so hard.

HNT#4-- Eye Spy

I actually am more than half nekkid in this picture... you just cant see it all... [hee hee]

I know its a pretty tame pic compared to others', but the fact is, I need to unveil my body piece by piece slowly, or, knowing me, Ill just get it all over with and post a full frontal nudie shot.

My eyes are hazel, which is a fancy term for browny-greeny-yellowy. Not having a regular old 'normal' eye colour used to annoy me when i was a kid. There is no crayon that easily colours hazel. You never see dolls or Barbies with hazel eyes [ just good old brown green and blue]. No singer has sung about having a hazel eyed girl [ although Kelly Clarkson, who obviously shares my sorrow, has recently somewhat changed this...]

But, mostly, because no one ever correctly guessed my eye colour-- boys in grade 4 telling me i have such pretty green eyes, teachers correcting my autobiography in grade 6 because obviously my eyes are brown... I have now come to grips with the fact that they change according to what im wearing, my mood, and [ so i think] my menstrual cycle.

Here, I think my red wig makes them look really green.

You can also see my eyebrow ring scar, caused when it was unceremoniously ripped out by some overzealous dork pushing my cowboy hat down at a rave. Thats another story for another day...

Visit all things half nekkid here.

My evil Twin

Have you ever been in the mood where you just want to smoke cigarettes, drink gin, blare punk rock, and kick over some furniture? And its only 10 am? And you are at work? Im totally in that mood right now.

Its not that im angry or in a pissy mood... i just want to create some chaos. Start some havoc. Rip shit up.

Maybe its because i straightened my hair for the first time in about 6 months last night. I am my own evil twin bent on destruction, mayhem, and with no frizzies.

When I dated the super-ex [approx. 6 million years ago], whenever i went out alone or when he was out of town, I would back comb my hair, buy a pack of Benson and Hedges Ultra lights and go out on a drunken rampage. My friends referred to this character as "Lola". I never really did anything bad as Lola... but i was pretty restricted in my activities with him and by simply getting drunk and boisterous i woulda been pissing him off.

Im not restricted at all with Jer and he [ i think] likes when I get silly and drunk. Maybe Lola is lashing out on the fact that i have a pretty square job and she wants me to mix it up. Or maybe i just miss having straight hair.

Anyways, Im going to go raise some hell with the receptionist... maybe have a boot party on the copier...start a fire in the recycle bin. Or not.

I may need it...but do i neccesarily want it?

I stole this from Lulu, mostly cuz it made me laugh so much that coffee just came flying outta my nose:

1. Go to Google
2. Type in "[your name] needs" -- and make sure you remember the quotes
3. Inform your blogging public what 5 things you need.

Ug.

Apparently Juicy needs:

1. Juicy Needs, This Horny Teen Loves Playing With Her Shaved Pussy At Night

2. Juicy Needs, Amateur Big Tit Teen Soaks Her White Cotton Panties

3. Juicy, needs to rest off the fire at least five minutes to finish cooking and absorb liquid.

4. juicy. Needs good fertility for consistent quality and cluster size. Ripens midseason.

5. juicy needs a spanking? a nice big dirty one

Umm. Actually. Juicy needs a shower. She is kinda creeped out.

Juicy A beyond Turkey Day

Back at the grind after a blissful day off from work. Not that it was a relaxing weekend or anything... the highlights:

1. Drunk on Friday... not super puke-on-the-bar drunk, but more of a happy drunk where i just want to dance and be the life of the party. On returning to the Bar Named Sue in a less drunken state, I am surprised I didnt catch Hep A from that place.

2. Paiting on Saturday... I dont know if its just my boy, or all boys in general, but man oh man are they messy! After 6 hrs of painting, I had a few drops on my hands and a couple of blotches of paint on my pants. Jer, on the other hand, was COVERED in paint. In his ears, his face, under all his fingernails and his clothes were caked with the stuff. I guess, to be fair, I should say that i was painting the delicate little trellis and he was roller painting. Still, though, it was pretty crazy.

3. Turkey on Sunday... at the parents house. Parents did their best to embarrass me as much as possible again. Topics of coversation included how bad my hair looks, how flat chested i am, how bad my clothes are, then switched into commenting how my dad thinks my best friend is 'hot' and wants to get pictures of her naked and something about how cartoon breasts are just as hot as real breasts. I left the table when he started talking about how mormons have it all right because they fuck a different woman every night. Yeesh.

4. Galaxyland Monday... I hate West Edmonton Mall. Its because Im local and its a big tourist trap. There are the same stores all over Edmonton [and Calgary too] just they arent stuck in the same building with a waterpark, aquarium, ice rink, bowling alleys, amusement park, etc. etc. That being said, I really love the amusement park. [which used to be called Fantasyland until Disney sued them over the name...what the fuck?] Anyways, I took my nephews and my Jer on the rides there-- although i dont think my beloved enjoyed the triple loop rollercoaster as much as i did.

Other than that, I am happy to report that my Oilers have won all three games they have so far played...and are looking rather impressive if i may say. The Flames have lost all 3. [ i could so rub this fact in, but i aint like that]. Even my Bills managed to pull off a win.

Piggy Personality Test

The Draw a Piggy Personality Test has informed me that I am:

- a realist

- direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions

-analytical, cautious, and distrustful [haha uhhh... Im sure Jer would love to add hiss 2 cents worth on that one]

-secure, stubborn, and stick to my ideals.

-an OK listener, but with a great sex life

I just kinda thought he looked like Babe.

They also forgot " loves to waste time on Friday afternoons cuz she wants to go home"

Turkey Time!

Hooray! Its the Thanksgiving long weekend!!!

Which means: 1. An extra day to sleep in and 2. Turrrrrkeeey!!!!

Fuck! I love eating Turkey. I really do. Its prolly my fave part of Christmas too. Since I was a kid I have thought that the greatest part about the turkey is when my Mom pulls it out of the oven to cool before she cuts it... and I sneak into the kitchen [and its pretty tricky because, yes, i have been doing this for 28 years] and steal pieces of meat off the bird. She just frigging FREAKS at me! "Stop picking at the Turkey! You can wait like everyone else!"

For the last few years she has tried to prevent my stealth eating by donating the turkey's neck to my cause. She'll pull it out of the roasting pan 10 minutes before the rest comes out and casually leaves it on the cutting board, hoping that ill pick at that and leave the rest of the turkey alone. But i dont. [ but lets not tell her because i do enjoy eating that too.]

This year my partner in crime will be coming with me to dinner. Its been a very very very long time since i had a 'date' at a holiday meal [ i believe Thanksgiving 2000 was the last...] so i wont be nestled between my nephews on the children's side of the table this time. This is only Jer's second interaction with my parents...the first was pretty dismal, my Dad got pretty wasted and started watching the porn preview channel. Ug. Hopefully they will just watch hockey or CFL or something.

Happy Turkey Day!

Half Nekkid #3-- Wish upon a...

Today's HNT is something that not a lot of people have seen... one of my tattoos. I have 3, and all are located in places that can be easily hidden so as not to upset conservative bosses or clients.

I started with this tattoo on HNT because its sort of my favourite [ I know, a parent should never pick favourites] but also because i like the location of it: about 3 inches under my left armpit and on my side. [ note: if you are thinking of getting a tat... let me advise you that getting it on a bony/ non-fatty area is bloody painful]

I wont tell the story of why the star, why red, and why at the time i got it... all too personal, but i will say that although there is an adage never to get a tattoo because you broke up with someone...yah, well sometimes i just think you should.

The story of HNT is here.

Lets hope my clients dont like Chinese food...

My fortune cookie from lunch today reads:

YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE WILL BE HAPPY IN YOUR LIFE TOGETHER

My first thought was "awwwwww" thinking that I am moving in with Jer soon and it seems to be a pretty lucky thing to read. On Friday, moments after we discussed us moving in together while at the same Chinese restaurant, his fortune cookie read something about his long search for happiness now being over.

Now, not that im a pessimist or anything [Ha!] but now Im thinking... this Chinese food restaurant is located right next door to my office. And I practice family law. I really need them to stop giving out the friggin "stay with your spouse cookies" or it may start to affect my business...

Stupid weather

Oooh its cold here today. Had to scrape frost off of my car and everything. Not liking this. This means that i may need to start getting up from work more than 15 minutes before im supposed to be there.

I start work [technically, cuz i think ive only been there then once] at 830. I have decided recently that its quite okay for me to set the alarm for 730...and then proceed to hit the snooze bar until 815. Somedays its as late as 821. I then jump from the bed, survey how bad my hair looks and whether i need to soak it to look presentable or whether i can throw it into some sort of ponytail to conceal its utter crappyness. Go pee. Do some sort of 3 minute shower type thing [ can be up to 5 minutes if i need to shave the legs]. Throw on eyeliner [ eyeshadow if im feeling particularily sassy] then put on the clothes i picked out the night before [ I would end up wearing ridiculous things or would forget to put on pants or something if i did clothing choice in the morning...brain really dont work that well until ive been up half an hour or so] Brush my teeth. Start my car and leave. [Prolly not a good thing, being that i can barely speak the english langugage at this point and im driving a big piece of metal and glass at 80 km/r.]

Today I got outside...and started to swear like the foul mouthed sailor you all know that I am. Frost everywhere. And me wearing a dress, heels, and a short sweater [ i forgot to set out a weather appropriate outfit last night... mental note: check weather channel night before]I had to scrape off the frost and let the bugger defrost before i could leave. It added an additional 10 minutes to my schedule! Fuck! That means Ill need to get up at 805 if I want to sheepishly slink into work late at 845 every morning. Totally sucks. Or I need to cut out the pee and shower elements of my morning.

Movin' on up

Im very excited/ still kinda shell shocked to tell you that beginning in November, I shall be in the Intersection of 13 and 13 in spirit alone....

I shall soon be co-habitating with my beloved Jer.

This means I will be spending the next month throwing away/ giving away/ packing away a majority of my shite and taking a minority of my crap to his place. Where will I keep my bed? My immense shoe collection? My infamous Conquistador painting?

I guess its good that the only 'freaking out' im doing is about my stuff...totally not freaked about the actual moving in with my boy and the implications of it.

Seriously, though...where is the Conquistador going to go?



[thought you all needed to see the Conquistador to realise why i adore him so...]

Both disgusted... and amused

I just found the "fetusmart" website... where you can adopt a "fetus" in a jar (albeit a cartoon one in funky colours, but a fetus nonetheless).

Part of it makes me feel kinda creeepy...something about those giant ads that the pro-lifers put on the side of the highway that make me want to puke. And make me want to start fights with them...and push them violently and yell "Maybe you should call the cops!" in their smug faces... [ uh, not like that happened or anything..and i was so upset after that i went and bought a $300 pair of boots when i was really broke...]

Anyways here's what the site says:

If you still want to email me telling me what a sicko I am, go ahead. I won't argue. No, they arent human fetuses. On August of 2004 Fetusmart has had 400,000 hits. During this month alone 5,157 were apparently from the U.S. Government. Just to satesfy the government, I'll say that these are nondenominational, non-species specific creatures.

Anyhoo, here i now present Felix the Fetus

align=left>
I adopted a cute lil' viking fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

[hes a viking]

HNT #2-- Topless Beach

I love this picture because 1. It was taken in the French Riviera, which I loved; and 2. I was completely topless.

On my "list of things to do before I die", I always had that someday I would go to a topless beach and do my thang . I told my friends this before we went there because I didnt want to freak any of them out ( most were fuddy duddy canadians and aussies, so much unlike the carefree euros) when i, ahem, pulled out the twinkies.

Most of them were pretty ok about it. Some of the guys made a point being obvious in looking away from them... but i still caught them glancing over now and then.

And yes, no tan lines.

New to the half-nekkidness? Go here

Depends what kind of meat they mean...

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Wing Bee Your Superpower is Supernatural Your Weakness is Meat Your Weapon is Your Gravity Bullets Your Mode of Transportation is Raft

What's your Superhero Name?

All about my office

Right now, I really hate my office. No, not because it sucks or anything, but because its in the middle of getting some sort of "face lift" and there are tarps/ scaffolding/ random cords hanging all over the outside...really professional looking. Also, the noises. Saws, hammering, and (my personal fave) the sounds of construction workers cursing/ yelling/ and talking loudly to each other. Yesterday, while meeting with a client ( one who has actually given me a lot of money, too...so i like this one)the following happened:

Juicy: And how much is the home worth?

Client: About $300,000.000 plus the mortgage.

Juicy: And how much is the mortg...

Construction worker on the roof: HEY! MOTHERFUCKER! GET ME A COKE WHILE YER AT IT TOO!

Yeah. Nice.

So now I present: My Office

( its usually waay messier)





And the view from inside...complete with scaffolds and giant orange tarp
My personal favourite about the office: The childrens books, consisting of "She-RA Princess of Power goes to the Ball". Uh-oh! Looks like that nasty Catra has won the prize!

But dont worry! Here come Prince Adam (aka He-Man) to save the day and award it to Princess Adora...wait. Arent they brother and sister? Eeeew. Incesty)

Battle (s) of Alberta

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Added to my list of enemies...

Ok I have a new absolutely unfavourite thing in the world...more than gum and rollerblades, even (and thats A LOT).

I FUCKING HATE CELL PHONES!!!

All right. Yes, I do have a cell. Its small and red and has a ring tone that makes it sound like an old phone. Its very cute. However these are things i do not do:

1. Have my phone on in restaurants...and take calls LOUDLY when it rings. Fuck. This goes doubly when its a fairly nice restaurant. Im there for ambience...not to hear you to talk loudly to your fucking golf buddies.

2. Talk on my phone while im driving...and otherwise becoming oblivious to all other things going on while i talk. Which includes the large metal and glass projectiles around me (aka other cars) who dont want to be cut off/ swerved in front of/ tailgated behind because you are so busy concentrating on the fucking thing attached to your ear.

3. Have it in movie theatres. I believe about 97% of the population have figured this out... the other 3% of you? what the FUCK is your problem?! Where were you when manners were fucking handed out?

4. Stop mid conversation with real live people to answer the phone... I dont like it when I lose the face off to people who arent even there. I have, in the past, called people on their cells on the other line when they have done this to me and continued our conversation. Oh which brings me to when i am talking to someone on the phone and they put me on hold....and then dont come back for 5 minutes plus. Hey! If the new call is sooo fucking important than come back to me and tell me you are taking the other call and you will call me back. Otherwise, I fucking was talking to you first so tell the other cunt to fuggoff! [Wait, I was ranting about cells, not voicemail... thats another topic all together. Another rant for another day]

5. And the reason why this is all being puked up here on the old 13 x 13 today: when people go to appointments that they book (with namely, me their lawyer) and then they TAKE THE FUCKING CELL PHONE CALLS WHEN IT RINGS! Okay. You are wasting my time. And yes, as sad as it is...my time DOES cost money. If you dont want to show for an appointment, dont show. And if you do want to show, then I expect you would give me the courtesy of actually paying attention and using my time wisely. ( and no, I dont turn off the clock when you talk to your friend on the phone. )

This woman today actually took 3 calls while she was here... and she was the one who made a big deal about how important it was that she get in to see me to today and I actually had to rearrange my schedule for her. Grr!


Anyhoo: there you are. I hate celluar telephones and the inconsiderate bastards who use them. I didnt even get into how much i hate most people's ring tones either...

Being different is good

Wow, if I knew all the attention the old blog o rama would get just by showing my ass, I woulda done it months ago...

Wait. I think this is like when i was in grade 8 and the Vice principal pulled me into her office and gave me a lecture about all the "negative attention" I was getting from the boys... Ah well. Its just my butt.

I have been busy eating free food (well not really freee cuz my firm had to pay for my attendance) at Family Law and Estate law seminars over the last few days. Ive made some interesting observations about my colleages at the family bar. Mostly that they seem pretty different from me.

One, there are a lot of short men. There arent a lot of men that practice family law, but the ones that do are pretty tiny. [I useda date short guys... not that i had a fetish for them or anything, I think cuz height was a non-issue for me when it came to dating. I obviously dont have that prob any more (Jer is a lot taller than me)...wait where was I going with this? I dunno...right. Short family law men. ]

Anyhoo, quite conversely, there are also a lot of LARGE women. Like 5 ft 11 and 250 llbs. They could likely eat some of those tiny men. Or carry them along in their purses.

Finally, most of the women I have seen around the family courts have short- butch like hairstyles and wear flat shoes and boxy pantsuits. Now Im not going to jump to any conclusions here... but my guess is that there are a lot of "anti-men, pro-women" family lawyers around ( Ive met quite a few) and some may take this mantra also into the bedroom.

As you may have guessed: I dont fall into any of those categories. Im a tallish skinny sex-cravin' horndog chick who apparently likes putting her butt up on the internet. That being said... Ive noticed in the last week that most of the people who have retained me (both male and female) have commented that i was the only lawyer they talked to that didnt "seem cold" or "sounded like i genuinely cared" or actually had time to talk to them. Maybe being different is good. That being said, I want people to let me know if i start changing, being a jerk to people who need someone to talk to [ notwithstanding crazies who want to sue the YWCA], say that im too busy to help someone, start eating boxes of Crisy Cremes or shave my head to stop me and tell me to look at this post.

And while im at it, tell me to stop and look at my last post...damn! thats one juicy ass!

Joining the Revolution of HNT...

I present to you the first of my (likely many) Half- Nekkid Thursday posts...

This one, entitled "Lacey" shows me proudly showing off my new underwear to my friends.

Go here to find out what all the nekkid-ness is about...

Arrrr Tis True!

It be talk like a pirate day, mateys!

Here be the proof, if ye be needin it ye scurvey landlubber!

Drinkin. Bowlin. Watchin the Football

For the first time in, oh i dunno, like forever, I got drunk on Friday. Hmmm... what was that Frank the Tank quote again? "It tastes so sweet when it passes my lips!"And went bowling (i heart bowling). Its kinda strange that i useda post on a near daily basis my drinking stories, and all i can come up with from Friday is "got drunk. went bowling". Okay, Ill try harder in my explanation:

The night started with me eating some sushi and approx. 10 billion raw oysters...but i was too busy enjoying the saki to really get into the food at the sushi restaurant. That stuff is just broootal. After one sip of that sweet sweet nectar I go a little bonkers. I can understand why Japan is the country of Kareoke, the Iron Chefs and Kamikazi pilots... everything in life is pretty fucked when you've drank some of that shite and pretty much everything sounds like a good idea. "Crash my plane into a building? Fuck Yeah!"

The bowling was fun because 1. I was drunk and 2. It was at this total cheeseball bowling alley/ casino place covered in flashing lights. The website, sadly doesnt have a pic of the place. Its really too much. Oh, and I was pretty baked by this point as well...that explains why the flashing lights were so great. We tried to get into the sketch casino [filled with old asian ladies and gents] but Jer [who is 29] didnt have ID so they wouldnt let him in. He got a little beligerent...as he is apt to do when stoned and drunk and just wanting to lose some money on Blackjack. He also was pretty pissy because they stopped our game when we were in the 6th frame. It is too bad cuz i was having a dy-no-mite game. (or was too drunk/stoned to notice that i was bowling crap)

The remainder of the weekend was about me watching Football (Boo- Bills lost... not that i got to see the friggin game or anything. Stupid Patriots game was on. At least i gots to watch GB...] and talking about the hockey [Oilers won the pre-season game against the detestable Flames... which means that I can keep dating Jer. They lost against the stupid Stars though, prolly every Edmontonians' second least favorite team]

To conclude the exciting events of my weekend, I had hoped to get a picture of "the Electric Warrior" but was unable. That thing is going to rock your collective universes. I wont go into more about the EW because words alone cannot do it justice.

Do you have a problem? Blame the YWCA!

Before i begin blathering here, just to cover my ass, Ill let any possible/former/ current clients who may stumble across my blog and figure out that its me [ which is not bloody likely] that i am courteous, professional and would never speak of your matter here on my blog. That being said...

You would not believe the fuckin nutjobs i have been seeing lately... I feel like im on candid camera some of the time. So much so that when i was telling Jer about it, he actually said "that sounds like blog material"

This lady comes in here yesterday and says she wants to sue the YWCA. So i think... oh she slipped at a pool or they fired her or something [both quite possible claims and with a fairly high success rate... i mean its pretty much a charitable agency and you'd kinda have to be a jerk to sue them]

So this lady wants to sue them for "mental anguish"...because they had the audacity to evict her from their housing because she hadnt paid rent [consisting of 150 per month] FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS.

So i tell her, "Well, uh, they can do that...basically they coulda kicked you out after the first 14 days of the first month of non payment and they were quite nice to not do such..."

This just pissed the lady off: "No!" she yelled "They had no right! Who do they think they are! I missed weeks of work because i was so upset!"

Well, ok...maybe she could try to claim that, its a real real real longshot, but maybe....So I ask, "What type of work do you do?"

"Oh, I dont have a job. I havent worked in years. But if i had a job... i would had needed to take it off".

"Hmmm... So you want to sue them for kicking you out because you werent actually paying rent...and because IF you had a job, you would had missed time because you are upset. "

"Yes, and also because before i moved there, I was homeless"

Now this is when i went from humoring her and writing down notes like i may actually be able to help her, to putting the pen down, and closing my folder. "Why" I asked in a trying-not-to-sound-condesending-but-failing miserably voice, "is the YWCA responsible for that?"

"Because I WAS HOMELESS... AND NOBODY CARED ABOUT ME!"

So everyone, just so you know, this woman wants to start a precedent that whatever has happened in your life which is unsavoury or made you feel bad, is the fault of the Calgary YWCA. Maybe we can start a class action. Personally, Im going to sue them because in Grade 7 I fell off a seesaw and broke my arm and my summer was really boring...and also because i crashed my car in 2001 and couldnt afford a new one until this year.

So now, I wanted this woman out of my office. And immediately. My trick to do this is to quote an excessively high retainer amount-- its not very nice, but its a lot nicer than saying "you have no case you weird fruitcake". So i tell her, I dont think you have an action against them...but if you want me to pursue it, I will need $1000 upfront.

"Oh" she says "I thought you could do it for contingency".

Right. So Im going to get paid out when you get paid....so lets see, Im not that great at math, but 35% of zero is..... zero. So I tell her I dont work for contingency, and she pretty much packed up all her shit ( she had receipts for everything she has purchased in the last 3 months...wanted to claim those from the YWCA too) and stormed out of here...saying that the mayor and her alderman may call me because she is going to call them and ask them to pay.

I really had to bite my tongue. I said. "Great, thanks!" and suggested she call legal aid. What i wanted to tell her is that she should have a nice day in her magical world and to send my regards to the leprechaun and the unicorn she rode over on. That being said, I should had asked the unicorn what he wants to sue the YWCA over...and will be sure to see whether the mayor wants in too when he calls to pay for her legal fees. Maybe i shouldnt be so flippant. Im sure the next lawyer she sees will also have to sue the YWCA over the mental anguish i caused by not taking her on as a client.

it has begun...

and the regular season hasnt even started yet... here is a msn "conversation" between myself and Jer.

Cast:
"Juiciferous A" = Juicy

"going to the dome to see the intersquad game" = Jer

--------------------------
Juiciferous A said: hi?

Juiciferous A said: are u there?

Juiciferous A said: stop reading about friggin hockey

--------------------------

Thirty minutes later-- still no response although it still says he is online and he hasnt been automatically clicked to "away".

Robots are fun!

width="240" height="180"
alt="Journeying Unit Intended for Ceaseless Yelling and Assassination"
border="0">

Whoa... I have never seen a better description of myself... this is the Cyborg name generator site.

[thanks to CBK for helping me waste some time this afternoon]

The coolest trend for expecting teens!

Okay Im in a better mood today ( although it is just 835 AM and I just got here)

For some odd reason I decided to look up whether stupid Britney Spears had her baby yet. I think because I heard a rumor that she had birthed the little greasy thing and was going to make fun of the fact that no one was making a big deal about it in the media or even seemed to care. Alas, she has yet to pop.

The best thing though is that on the news page where I read the story they had a link to this...


An amish birthing stool.

And I quote:

The handles on our birth stool are the perfect height for body support helping "mom" to achieve optimal fetal positioning with the standing squat. Properly using a birth stool is also known for reducing tears and the need for an episiotomy. Combined with the force of gravity, you have one powerful and effective tool!

http://birthwithsol.com/birthstool1.html

But this is why its funny: Can you imagine Britney Spears giving birth on that thing? (apparently shes doing a caesarian because she hears that labour "hurts". [sniff] [sniff] Never thought of that when you decided how cute it would be to have the newest accessory: a baby! Move over tiny purse dogs!)

Or, better yet, thinking of the possible people who would be googling that story actually being interested in purchasing a birthing stool "handmade by a local Amish carpenter"? Fifteen year olds chewing bubble gum and baring their navels saying "oh this will be perfect for when the baby is crowning!" Then again, maybe it will become the newest teen trend.. "Like Ashleigh, have you seen my Amish Birthing Stool? Its just like the one Britney uses!"

I cant believe i just spent 10 minutes thinking about Britney Spears. Ug.

Congratulations! Its a Bitch!

Im in a real pissy mood today. Reeeeeal pissy. I have been for the last few days. Im not too sure why...wait, no, I do know why, Im just not obliged to tell.

Ya see, Im allowed to tell my naughty little secrets on here, but i wont air other people's dirty laundry ...unless I can be certain that the person concerned doesnt access my site and/or I can be vague enough in its description that they wont figure out that i told their secret. However, I really dont think this is possible for this particular situation. And its not really the secret which is causing me strife...as much as the effects of the secret.

Its pretty hard on me not to "talk" about what is perched so heavily on my shoulders right now on the old blogorama. I started blogging because I needed a semi-anonymous outlet to vent...and Dr. Phil only goes so far as to provide me with psychological advice. I guess this is why I havent been posting much lately. Cant really talk about what is on my mind. I havent even told this to "he who knows all about me and can direct the cops to my dead body" (a.k.a. my gay galpal KS)...and he knows EVERYTHING else about me...

That being said, the next motherfucker who calls here and tries to get free fucking legal advice from me on the phone is getting one big fucking earfull. Cocksuckers.

The Autumn of my Discontent

Fuck.

Its cold outside. Yesterday, I was able to see my breath. This totally blows. Im so not ready for this already. I spent pretty much the whole weekend under a blankie watching movies or TV. Im not looking forward to snow-- its been 4 yrs since i drove in the snow and Im worried that Obie wont like it too much.


However, there are some upsides to the change of seasons: I got to spend a large portion of Sunday watching NFL football... Im a Bills' fan, but I like the Seahawks too so I was quite happy to plonk in front of the TV and watch the game for a good 3-4 hrs.

Hockey is also a few days away (finally!!!). The first Oilers game is this Friday...against the Flames ( which means war between me and Jer) and Im thinking of driving down to sweet E-town to go to the game. However, this now means that Jer will be pre-occupied with hockey on a near constant basis so I wont be seeing him often ( or I will be seeing him...but he wont be paying attention to me). He is also playing a few nights a week and coaching: looks like i will be rekindling my relationship with my vibrator, as he usually isnt in "the mood" after playing.

Finally...the holiday season: I like Christmas although i am generally anti-religious in all senses of the word. I dig eating Turkey, getting drunk at 9 AM and watching my nephews open presents. I have very recently, however, found out that my Christmas prolly wont be that merry this year... something about dating a Jew who wont even tolerate/ take part in my family's celebration. Hmmm. Strange he never mentioned that when i was feeling like a left out outsider when i was celebrating passover with his family...

I just realised, however, the abso-fucking-lutely worst part about the weather: no more flip flops. My feets are turning purple right now. I will likely have to put on socks. I hate socks. Fucking weather.

All about my roadtrip

Last weekend, which was another classic "first monday of the month" holiday saw me and my boy taking a roadtrip to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to go to a wedding of 2 friends of mine. I went to law school in Sasky and it was a bit of a homecoming for a lot of us who havent been in the fair land of wheat in 3 years. Naturally, I had my camera with me at all times and managed to take some 30 or 40 pictures.

First, to all those reading, NEVER NEVER NEVER rely on Mapblast to get you to your desired destination without doing some other type of research. I have driven the Calgary to Saskatoon route a few times...but couldnt remember which highways we used. Well, they surely were not the ones mapblast suggested. We ended up on gravel roads...driving through coulees and river valleys...in the middle of bare ass prairies with not a sole in sights... and across rickety bridges for close to 6 hours. We only passed 3 gas stations the whole time. Here is an excerpt i wrote on the mapblast map:

ROUTE 507 W-- 51 KM where the fuck are we? seriously? im scared. Jer is getting mad because i dont know. where is the town of Oyen? and how do we get out of there when we find it?

Yah. I was a little stoned at the time. That prolly didnt help our general orientation. Jer kept asking which direction we were heading (when i thought it was pretty obvious it was East) and freaking out a bit. Something funny though: i like to buy shiny things and touch fluffy things while baked...Jer wants to photograph them.
Like 10 pictures of clouds. Seriously. These ones he thought looked like dinner buns (?!?!)

The wedding itself was a blast. It was beautiful and touching and a good time. ( not overly garish or religious...most of the people there were likely under 30) I was pretty drunk at one point, but sobered up. It was the first time most of the posse met my little jer, and i think he passed ( although Chantelle was concerned when he said he wanted to put his dink in the chocolate fountain...hes a keeper!) I never took any pics of the bride/groom/other guests but took 4 self portraits while sitting in the can.
All class.

We spent the remainder of the weekend hanging out at some of my fave haunts in Sasky...and, because its me, humping some statues.


On the way back (again stoned) we decided to NOT follow mapblast and instead take the highway (gasp! what a concept!) Following the advice of Jer's uncle, we stopped in a tiny shit town called Delia to have ribs and pie at this diner. However, being the holiday monday, the diner wasnt open...just this sketchy bar with VLT signs on the windows. Jer thought it looked appealing and would likely have delicious meals in it... I was not convinced. I said i would post the pic to get the general public's opinion.

We also stopped in Drumheller on the way back and snook into the Dinosaur museum.




We completed the roadtrip by getting a bucket of Fried chicken and gravy and eating it in the car. [sorry--pic didnt work, i was covered in grease and gravy] Again, all class all the time.

The first day of school

..is what it feels like right now.

Me with my shiny lunchbox and new shoes smiling but kinda scared... and everyone staring at me, saying hi, then returning to their conversations.

Ugh. Im pretty much sitting in my office with nothing to do at the new job. Ive set up some meetings for next week...but nothing for the time being.

I dont even have anything that clever to say [ although i do like my new keyboard...mmm springy!]

ps the weekend was alot of fun. Had a great time at the wedding and went to the dinosaur park with Jer on the way home... have some funny pics to post when i get back to mine tonight.

Its sooo hard to say goodbye to yesterday...

Sometimes a Boyz II Men song is very neccessary.

This marks the last post i shall do while i am (supposed to be) working at my firm.

The office is all packed up... the clients (that i like) have received phone calls with little asides noting that they can come with me to my new firm if they choose ( and the ones i dont like received emails saying who their new lawyer is).

I am kinda sad. I really like the people here: my assistant Sara (who gave me 'tude... but in a funny way), my assistant Chala (who would had hitch-hiked naked to Norway if i told her it was needed for the file), my neighbour Medina (who cursed like a sailor when she was pissed and allowed me to rant in her office when i needed to as well), Michelle (the softest spoken person who could ever screw you out of your fair property division because she just made it sound good)and all the other people downstairs in the litigation area who i rarely talked to...but often made smart assed comments to while in the coffee room.

Sigh.

I guess its pretty cool, though, that I left here on my own accord and with a better paying job on the horizon than, as in my last job, leaving unemployed and broke, and unemployable.

So good bye office, good bye view of Walmart...and, i guess, good riddance...

Holey Crap

This weekend on 'The Intersection of 13 and 13': Juicy falls in a hole and breaks Jer's house

So there is this hole in the middle of Jer's bedroom. Its supposed to be a heating vent, except it doesnt have a cover...its just a big gross hole sprouting out of the carpet. The hole has been there since we started dating and, I do believe, I have been telling him since my first time over to his house that some day I would fall in the hole. That day was Saturday.

The hole is located smack dab in the middle of the room and, before Friday night, was quite easy to manouever around. On Friday night, however, we decided to move the bed over 3 or 4 feet so the hole was now pretty much at the end of his bed.

Saturday morning... I wake up and have to pee. I hear that there are other people in the house, so I know that i need to put some clothes on before i walk out of the bedroom. I bend over the laundry basket to grab some jammies... take a step back...and

AAAW! SHIT!

....fall into the hole. Now, my foot didnt just fall in, as i now know by the telltale bruises on my upper thigh, my whole leg did. And when my LEG fell in, it went right through the ceiling of the basement suite. Taking out about 10 ft of ceiling and a large section of floor vent.

Fuck. shit. Fuck. So now Jer needs to replace both the vents in his house [which, actually, he did plan on doing in the fall] and the ceiling in the basement suite. Oh, which reminds me, the guy in the basement suite is moving in tomorrow... To a place with no ceiling an a big natty piece of vent hanging there.

Nice.

Sweartastic

I fucking love these quizzes. Fuck yeah!

Your word is FUCK. You like to come across as rude
and rebellious, and often you do. You also are
intelligent and maybe surprisingly sensitive,
though God help anyone who said that in front
of your friends.


Which Swear (Curse) Word Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

this is so funny

In response to the post of a few days ago about how I think I dont share the same sense of humour as the general public, I would like to share 2 things that make me laugh uncontrollably. they are even somewhat connected....
The little square commercial AND

The Ranch tooth commercial...both courtesy of Wendy's Hamburgers.

If you havent seen them, the little square can be found at http://www.goodtobesquare.com but I havent located the Ranch tooth on the interweb just yet.

The little square trucks around with this less than impressed look on his face solving the less than difficult problems of the little circle peoples. Maybe I feel so much for him because I too, deal with people who need someone to tell them what is what, sometimes begrudgingly. There are a couple of other spots too, where the little square shows what heat lamps at hamburger joints do to little circle people and solves the dilemma behind leftovers (just go to wendys). He totally cracks me up.

Then there is the ranch tooth...aw shit. The idea is that this dude doesnt have a sweet tooth, he has a "ranch" tooth... and this giant tooth in a cowboy hat follows him around to yoga, poker, for drives, etc. saying "Raaaanch. Ranch? Ranch!" continuously. Brilliant. I just about pee my pants whenever i see it.

So apparently i share the sense of humor of the person who does the Wendy's ads..who knew?

Ranch.

A small step for Juicy...

... a giant leap for Juicy-kind.

I dont know why I used an astronaut reference, but what im pissing and moaning about this time is that I have decided to switch jobs. Now dont worry, I'll still be a law talker and doing the family law, but at a different firm... a firm that is offering me a lot more money [ Im a Socialist who hates materialism....but Im one with very large debts] and some sort of future potential. Its not everyday that someone with only a year's experience is offered a position where they are told they may make partner within 2-3 years.

Actually, to be brutally honest, I made my mind up when my current boss made reference that im "not worth the money" that the other place is offering. And his counter-offer pretty much was zero. They wouldnt even offer me a permanent position here..just the same money and the same lack of job security. I just about told him to fuck himself, but there is this whole "professionalism" thing i have to remember sometimes. The other place was ready to match or beat any counter offer he made, anyway...

So Im leaving my big pretty office with the view of Walmart in Southwest Calgary, for a smaller, non-windowed place in the North...and i couldnt be more excited.

whats so funny?

Ever been to a movie that you totally did not find funny... and EVERYONE around you is laughing hysterically like its the best thing ever? AND you are stoned [which usually means you find water fountains, people's voices, and generally anything shiny hilarious].

That was me at the 40 year old virgin movie. It didnt need to be a movie... it coulda been a 10 minute Saturday night live skit. I think i laughed 5 times... and none were involving the plight of the title character. The plot is thus:

1. Sex joke.
2. Sexist joke.
3. Penis joke.
4. Repeat.

Oh, there were also some racist jokes, nerd jokes, and hairy chest jokes thrown in for good measure. In fact the funniest thing i heard in the theatre was a 15 yr old girl standing next to me telling her boyfriend that "the east indian guy in the movie was funny...they are all funny...they should have one in every movie". Idiot. [yes, i was still a little baked]

I have experienced this "holy crap this is not funny so why is everyone laughing" syndrome also during a show called "the Trailer Park Boys" [ so they are poor and live in trailers and drink a lot....and what? and nothing...thats storyline of the whole show.] and Married with Children [ which has the same plot i outlined above]

Yeah. I dunno. I guess its maybe some sort of karmic balancing from the fact that i find so much amusement from british comedies and weird movies. I recall watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and being one of 4 people who were laughing. And half of the theatre left during the Life Aquatic.

Anyhoo, if you like Trailer Park Boys or Married with Children, go see that 40 yr old virgin movie. Just dont be expecting an invite over to my house for movie night any time soon.

Flag off!

Hey! Whats the deal with the "flag for objectionable content" thingy at the top of the page? Are we being censored now? Is this 1984? Is Big Brother watching me?

I refuse to be prosecuted for their hate crimes! HATE CRIMES!!!!

[lets see if i get a Flag now... and no, smartypantses i havent actually read what the flag means, nor do i have any plan in doing such]

Happy Birthdaaaaay to you...

Its the old Blog o Rama's first Bday... [sigh] I remember his birth like it was yesterday... i was sitting approx. 2 feet from where i am now, and was looking at my friend Joe's blog, and decided i needed one too.

I chose the name the Intersection of 13 and 13 because [d'uh] thats where i live, and because people always make a big deal at how unlucky it is that i live there. And last year, yeah, i was on a little bit of an unlucky streak. I was unemployed, poor, had failed the bar exam [and later would fail it again] and seemed to be perpetually in failing relationships [or humping one night randoms].

Now, things are looking up in all respects... I have two places that are literally fighting over me for a job, Im getting established as a family lawyer, and yeah, there's my little chompy moogle along for the ride [im still poor, though]. And i have a blog to keep track of all the fun...

So everyone together now "happy birthdaaaay intersection of 13 and 13..."
Look! Its the actual intersection!

Even Kingsley is celebrating!

Haha! Isnt it great that the balloon is en francais?!

Juicy A Photo-documentary: All about my Jeremy

I know, im a big suck. Here are some recent pics of the boy... in celebration of his hockey victory and because hes taking me away this weekend and im super pumped. Also, as i have mentioned in the past, when im lazy i just post pictures.



The Aces victory picture... mine is the one in the white helmet...funny that hes the biggest player yet is hidden in the pic

a close up... and you are lucky there is no smell-o-vision. not exactly a pleasant smell coming off of the boy post hockey.

This was taken at the infamous lake that was both iridecent and caused me to scratch myself between the asscheeks. i look kinda evil.

Princess Hangover goes to work

Ug. I feel like death warmed over.

Jer's team won the Calgary Summer Hockey League championship last night as as resident fan/equipment manager/ comissioner's girlfriend, I was part of the celebration. There were many beers drank out of the cup last night.

Blah. I cant even make myself continue the story. The squirrels in my head are fighting too much. I have too many deadlines to go home sick and sleep...but i am hardly worth the 150/hr i am charging clients to work. I need gatorade, a cheeseburger, and a pillow. (except Jer has my bank card so i cant get them... do you think i can convince the store in my building to reestablish the barter system?)

thats it. i need to die now.

Gumbyland: Can it be real?

I just remembered the dream I had last night...well, actually, this morning between Jer getting up and me hitting the snooze bar for the first of 15 times...

I went to "Gumbyland" a theme park dedicated to everyone's fave posable action gum figure(?!?!)located in scenic Norway.

I love Gumby. I have a tiny Gumby (actually called a "Gumbitty") and Pokey...both are permanent fixtures on my work computer (no matter where ive worked) and have been over the last 3 years. When i wasnt working, they sat on my microwave because i have a laptop at home and the microwave seemed computer-like enough for their presence. I bought them in Vancouver originally for my ex Ian (who owned about 30 gumbies, a gumby poster, lamp, and soap all in varying sizes...but had no Gumbitty)but became attached to them and, uh, got them in the divorce.

So anyways, in my dream, I was sitting with Jer and a bunch of people i know from work and his hockey team and im showing them a slideshow of my pictures from Gumbyland. They all involved people in Gumby suits standing infront of castles which,as I explained to everyone, were quite common in Norway. (and no, I have never actually been to Norway)

A land of Giant gumbies and castles? Could it be true? Well, i just spent some of my lunch hour looking it up...and I am sad to report that there is no real Gumbyland in Norway or elsewhere. Thats too bad... i mean have you ever seen an episode of Gumby? Its really quite fucked. I just watched a clip of one and a giant cinnamon bun starting speaking to them in french and teaching them how to order orange juice en francais. Gumbyland would be like a total acid trip.

I guess what it means, though, is that i could take initiative and start my own Gumbyland... except I dont speak Norweigan...and I dont know of any cinnamon buns that could teach me.

An open letter to the Moogle

Chompy:

I know you read my blog sometimes, so I thought i would leave you a little message.
The last few days have been pretty crappy for you and I know you've been feeling a little down about it...but I want you to know that i think you are wonderful and amazing. Even when other people make you feel insignifigant, remember that you aren't useless or unimportant...you are important to your brothers, sister, mom, your nephew and the rest of your family, your friends, and my fish (he told me so yesterday) and to me...and I'll keep wooting for you at all the appropriate moments.

I'd go on here, but Im at work right now and this kinda stuff makes me cry.

mooglekisses

I hate August 7

No, not because Im still at work at 100 am on a Saturday night...and that im not even close to done work...and they turned off the air conditioning 3 hours ago...
I have a more sinister reason for despising this particular day. I really dont like talking about it... or the person it involves... but er, um, I was supposed to get married on August 7 three years ago.

I'll tell the story some day. Just not now. Just not today.

The teeth story

So how i lost teeth. Its a messy story. About a messy time in my life when everything was, well, messed up. I guess you should really substitute the word "messy" for "fucked", because it really was quite a fucked situation.

During Christmas break of my first year of law school I broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. Its really weird, because during that break, more than half of the people i knew who came into law school with long term, long distance relationship decided to end them. Anyways, so after basically destroying the heart and possibly ruining the life of my ex,(but not really, because he actually got engaged to someone like a year later...after knowing her for less than 6 months... and as far as i have heard they are still happily married) I was in a weird place that i had not been in in a very long time. I was single. I could do what i wanted without getting someone's approval. And what did i want to do?

1. Drink. (and heavily)

2. Party. (and often)

3. Get laid. (And how!)

A few weeks after the earth crushing and emotionally draining experience of the break-up [ which im not going into too deep here. But it really was a bad situation and totally fucked me up. I felt like the biggest asshole in the universe for doing it to him, and at the same time felt horribly guilty for being so damned happy about moving on with my life. I really have never gotten into explaining the relationship i had with the "Super-ex", as i call him on here, on the old 13 x13 but i guess you can imagine what is was like to be 23 and had only really dated one person before and by breaking up with that person you were losing your boyfriend...best friend...and most of your stuff (because it was still at the house you used to live in together and he was still there and you felt bad asking for it back)...well shit, looks like i did decide to descibe it all after all. now back to my teeth], I began dating someone else.

His name was Nate and he was a year ahead of me in law school. What we had in common, besides both being in the same college, was that both of us had recently ended a serious relationship, we enjoyed heavy drinking to the point of puking/passing out, and we both wanted tons of sex. Our whole relationship involved him meeting me after class, us getting obliterated on booze, having sex, passing out, and usually eating pizza or chinese food in the morning. There are tons of Nate stories peppered throughout law school. Im actually surprised this is the first time old Natie came up. Some of the stories are pretty sexually explicit...some are kind of scary...some are just sad. He was a drunk with an anger problem (in fact the first of 3 guys ive dated who have taken anger management...although his was court ordered after he tried to beat up a professor from law school...because he was told to leave a law formal...because he wouldnt leave me alone...yeah. there are lots of stories about nate.)

Anyways, the beginning of the second semester of law school was a good time to decide to be a drunk and to date a fellow drunk. There was law games at the beginning of January ( my sport: boat racing), legal follies ( a variety show where you get drunk and then perform skits and songs) and a few pub crawls. I honestly believe i wasnt sober the whole month of January. I found a paper i wrote that January not too long ago in my apartment... its barely in the english language. Im not too surprised that i got a C-. I became a local celebrity of sorts in law school... i was that first year chick who could drink like a fish and chug a beer in seconds flat.

So now that you can imagine what i was like at that time and i have set the total scene...the story of my missing teeth. First of all, they arent totally missing...just 1 snapped off about halfway up and the other one had a giant chip taken out of it. So the dentist just built up a crown on them. You cant tell which ones they are just by looking at me, but they are the left front and left, i dunno incisor (!?!?) right next to it. But all in all, I have fake teeth and wear that honor proudly.

So after the January of non stop intoxication, Nate ( who was the guy who planned all the parties in our law college... i know how to pick em) decided to plan a pub crawl for the first weekend in February. He decided to plan a "drink a small town dry" pub-- where, as the name suggests, you take a bus to a crappy small town and find the local tavern and keep drinking until they run out of alcohol or they kick you out. Of course, before you get to the planned town, you must stop at every bar along the way and drink...and when you get back onto the bus, you must also drink. As I was the guy who was controlling the booze's hump buddy (i wouldnt call me a girlfriend, per se) i pretty much had 2 or 3 beers on the go at a time. When we arrive at a bar, I would chug all 3 beers and then get off the bus to continue drinking. At each bar, I would have a few shooters, and then chug a few more beers. At me and my friends' last estimate, I had probably had close to 20 beers in about 2 hours.

And (from what i recall) I was a total gong show. I was trying to open the emergency hatch on the roof of the bus. I was hanging my head out the doors while the bus was moving mere inches from the highway. I was wresting with Nate on the floor. I was singing kareoke into the intercom (which actually, i do when im sober as well...so never mind). And everyone was cheering me on.

So we finally get to our last destination...scenic Warman Saskatchewan. Im totally wasted, but unlike my friends who were also excessively drunk, Im still in pretty coherent condition. So we get off the bus and are proudly marching to the door, slowly maybe, but still with determination....when this fat girl ( i usually would say "bigger" or "heavier set" but due to the next part of the story, no she was just a big fat bitch) comes running up beside me and yells "Come on (Juicy's real name), Move it! You have drinking to do!" And PUSHES ME.

Now...I had drank a lot that night...and really wasnt feeling that great anymore....and really hadnt been sober in over 35 days...and had been pushed from behind by a fat chick...and...

SPLAT

Fell flat on my face.

I laid there for a while. People were freaking out. My encouraging fans were close to tears thinking that i was horribly injured or maybe dead. I really dont know where Nate was... cuz to this day i dont recall him being around when all this happened. I just remember thinking "Crap. I think i ripped my new jeans".

After a few minutes, i rolled over and looked at everyone... well, everyone who was still there. Most of the people had gone into the bar by this time and were doing shooters. I felt my face and felt that it was slightly bleeding ( i had some pretty bad road rash) and my jaw was really sore ( it would be swollen and bruised for weeks) and then i started giggling because, i mean i was really still quite drunk. While I was having a giggle fit, i noticed this weird metallic taste in my mouth and knew something had to be wrong. My best friend Lulu ( who less than 10 minutes before was the most ridiculous human i had ever seen because she was so wasted) was now telling people to back away from me and was looking for a ride for the hospital. Slowly I stood up to ask her "where is Nate?" but only got half a syllable out...because out of my mouth fell a piece of tooth.

I cant recall what happened after that. Im told i would go from crying to laughing to crying again non stop for about an hour. I refused to go to the hospital and, actually, kept drinking. Nate, who seemed mysteriously absent when i actually hurt myself, still took me home and fucked me that night... even with a swollen face and 2 broken teeth ( there just wasnt any kissing or oral). The worst part, so I am told, is that i kept crying that now for sure no one would ever love me again. I think I tried to call the super ex too...but chickened out.

The next day i refused to go to school. I had emergency dental work done instead. When i returned to class, everyone in the school had heard the story about how everyone's fave party girl had one drink too many and lost some teeth. Im sure the story is still heard around the old alma mater. But really, i just kinda meant that for that time in my life, the party was over. I needed something to pull me out of the cess pool i was falling into...or i guess knock some sense into me...and it happened to be a drunk fat girl.

The fake teeth make me laugh because they are a testament to (one) of the messiest times in my life...which, like the teeth themselves, I appear to have gotten out of unscathed...on the outside.

Airing some of my dirty dishes

I just came to the realization that i had 11 coffee mugs in my office. My response? Maybe if they didnt work me so hard i wouldnt have to drink so much damned coffee...maybe i'd be able to go home and get a decent night sleep and wouldnt need coffee to function... maybe id have time to take the dirty cups down to the kitchen... maybe i'd, oh crap, forget it. Im just a slob about certain things, and dishes is one of them.

Speaking about jobs...had that interview yesterday and it went okay. They really already offered me the job...but im a little skerred. Its a smaller office (only 2 dudes there) and I'd basically have to self market, which i am noooo good at. Also, there is more of a "eat what you kill" method of pay-- i would get a percentage of my billings along with a base salary-- which could be either good or bad, im not sure which, really. They would let me do basically whatever type of law i want and they would pay for me to take seminars and such.... but seriously. its a tiny office. and mine would have no window. and its located in a less than pleasing location. However, they said i could be brought into the partnership within 3 years (boo-yah!!!!)

In case you noticed, Im not sure yet about accepting it.

In other juicy related news, Jer's little hockey team is playing for the championship of the Calgary Summer Hockey League. I have been attending the games lately (along with 2 other fans...both also girlfriends of players) and wooting at appropriate moments. Its really fun and we go for beer and deep fried food ( which i lovingly call the "sodium platter") after each game. Seriously, though, that salty food is noooo good. One night it made my feet swell. Last night Jer couldnt sleep and we blamed it on the fact that his body was lacking any type of moisture from said platter. Anyhoo, Go Aces Go! ( just dont ask why they wear piss yellow jerseys... its apparently a sore spot).

Thats all for the moment. As a request to dear Skindee, i will recant the tale of how i got fake teeth soon. Any other requests? (although not too nasty because i charge a premium of 5.99 for the first minute and 3.99 for each after for that stuff). If you dont mind me, im going to go get a cup of coffee to first enjoy and then add to my collection.

Confessions of a (former) Internet dater...

So for shits and giggles this afternoon while awaiting an important fax, I decided, quite out of the blue, to look up and see if i could find my ad/picture thingy on all the internet dating sites i useda frequent. I really used to be into it... guess it had to do with the fact that i was a bit of a shut in for those 10 months where i wasnt working and was only leaving the house to get wasted and (usually) pick up a random.

After hunting a few down, i realised something...

Fuck am i funny.

On MSN Personals as "Juicy58" I wrote that my hobbies were "working for the weekend" and "rocking like a hurricane". I also said that my favourite things were "wasting time until high again" , "back seat of a volkswagen**" and telling sinners to repent their sins.

[ ** if you dont know that reference, well, shame on you. Rent Mallrats without haste!]

On Yahoo personals, as 'fiyahwhenready' I begin by saying that my bike is cooler than their bike (likely true) but then challenged any guy to try and 'out crazy me'. Hmmm... wonder why i got so many weirdos?!?!?! No there is nothing wrong with my arms. I have no idea why i am standing like that...

For Lemontonic (under the name of Fire When Ready) I wrote the ad while so wasted i actually wrote "no bad spelers. i wont even read your message if its wrong" (without meaning to be funny). I actually had to have them email me my passcode to delete that account... as it was similar to what my password usually is, just a few keys off. On that one i also said that i had fake teeth. I mean, its true and all, but not exactly something people look for in a first date. Ohhh! Look at this girl, she sure is cute... too bad all her teeth are real. (And the picture? One part webcam, 8 parts vodka)

Firewhenready on Onion Personals lists her fave love scene as: Anything from Bend-over Boyfriend, volumes I and II. Errr..Um, I mean something tender and sweet. (i guess i decided to just put my feelings towards doing guys up the bum with strap-ons out there right away?!?!) And then i specify that "eating hot dogs is sexy; but eating corn dogs is sexier". (must be the stick that makes it so) The kicker? I write that i am looking for: "Someone who is a smartass, but also well educated and enjoys pop culture type shit. Oh, and body piercings, tattoos, and a big dick help." Interesting. I guess i forgot to add "likes strap ons in the bum". I never got any response to that ad... i always blamed the picture. Its pretty small and grainy.

Hi5 I joined because my one friend kept bugging me to join. I wasnt looking for love at all. However, I keep (to the this day) getting messages from guys who want to cyber. I dont know why.. I wrote that my hobbies include "kicking yer ass!" Maybe its the picture... its prolly one of my faves of all time...me in monaco at the grand casino

To be honest, i never really put much effort into those sites... I was a Lavalife junkie all the way. My ad was pretty good there... got me lotsa dates and a few boyfriends. I admitted to liking to build forts with pillows and running thru the sprinkler. Strangely i didnt say anything about strap ons or fake teeth... although i changed my headline daily and i did say a few times that my bike was cooler.
( i actually had quite a few on there... this was my fave)

Back from the long weekend

[in response to CBK who asked what we got the day off for, its one of those classic Canadian "first monday of the month and so we think we need a day off" holidays...its really what separates Canada from the US-- you guys need to justify a holiday by putting a name of a president on it...we are just too damned lazy and just say "yeah, its a holiday monday, whatever". actually i think they call it "heritage day" but thats only been its name for the last 3 or 4 years]

I guess Im "back" although I didnt actually go anywhere...Jer promised me we could go away for a night, but then changed his mind the morning we were supposed to leave, as he is very apt to do. I swear to gawd he is like Tom Green in Road Trip-- never wants to leave this damned city! I need to get out! Hellllp! Lemme out! Lemme out!

Well, we did go to the beach just outside of the city and lay in the sand and eat a bunch of junk food. I somehow managed to scrape myself between my asscheeks while i was there which hurts about as bad as it sounds... i really dont know how i did it and will now stop with all discussion about it...its really kinda gross. (and yes, had it been from some sort of kinky bondage thingy i woulda provided details). Also gross was the weird irridecent glow that came off the water. I dunno. Its a man made lake...who knows what they built it over. Dont get me wrong, I did have fun there. Im an uber pessimist.. i just point out the bad in everything.

Speaking of bad, I should let you know that im also looking into cheating. No silly, on my job. ( I dont cheat on people...just companies) I have a job interview for another law firm tomorrow. Im only on temporary here until October (at which time they will decide whether to renew me for 3 more months or keep me permanent) and I have an evil feeling they wont want to keep me on. Today I had 3 of my new files taken away from me and handed to some new bitch who starts next week. Im basically being replaced before i even leave. They also pay me shit here... i make one third of what my friends do. I didnt go to school for 7 years to make less than my assistant. Lets just say that despite the fact that its really busy here right now, i really dont feel like busting my hump for people that dont appreciate me. Ive done that before and the place still let me go.

As it is the start of the month, you will be happy to know i made a new list...unlike the one in July which was quite in depth, all this one says is "FIND NEW JOB" and "NEED VACATION". At least its only 28 days until the September long weekend...