Two weeks to go...

Hmmm. If I gave two weeks notice, I would never have to return to work after Christmas vacation....hmmmm... tempting.

So if the usual bullshit wasnt enough...

1. I now have a car that was towed to the VW dealership yesterday and may not be running again until next Monday... I had a settlement meeting today that i had to take a cab, bus, and train to get to. I felt like a fricking tool calling the office asking them how much the bus cost cuz it had been so long since i took it.

2. My computer at work is down and Im working on this shitty small one in the hallway that has this small screen and i need to sit two inches away from the screen to see it. Its slow and everytime i get an email it crashes. It has no speakers or earphone jack so i have to listen to the muzack that comes out of the phone. I am going to fucking looose it.

3. Its getting colder every day

4. There is too much candy around. I am now down 12 pounds from October. With the rate of stress candy eating, this will be gone soon.

Happy motherfucking holidays

19 days until Christmas vacation

I was in trial all fucking day yesterday. All. Fucking. Day. Brootal. Its like Monday morning the heavens opened and dropped a ton of shit on me. I feel like Im running around like a hooker with her pants off.

Im not sure if i have mentioned my obsession with the Live Cam puppies.
I am obsessed with the Live Cam puppies. They are on my computer all day. I learned on Tuesday that they are going to their forever homes on Saturday. I am in mourning today for this reason.

I just got a mass email sent to me from my super ex. He and little wifey just had their second kid-- named Cash. If you know anything about me, you will note that anyone who would name their child after money was not that compatible with me at all. ( and no, I doubt they named him after Johnny Cash-- asshead hated his music)I really hope I was on his email list by mistake...pretty lame otherwise.

Hip Hop party last week was hilarious. Colt 45s were drank... fried chicken and watermelon was consumed...and I fucking rocked out as a chola. I forgot my camera to post the pics on here. Wikked.

I cant wait for the 24th-- 11 days off. Fuck. It cant happen too soon.

This soup tastes kinda funny

Im eating Wild mushroom and turkey soup-- the after taste is vaguely 'magic' tasting...like psilocybin. Its kinda making me nauseaous. And makes me think i should hole up in a room somewhere before the walls start melting. Im the Pretty Prince of Parties!

My Stampeders won the Grey Cup on Sunday YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! *insert victory dance* I am now worried that it is going to be hard to get season tickets for the 2009 season. Poop. Is it bad that part of me was cheering against them?

Work is about to get super fucked up. Ohhh how I love the Christmas season. I am just about to leave for a settlement meeting. I have 3 this week plus I am in discoveries for 2 whole days. Wanna know how fucking boring that is? Excessively fucking boring. Eight hours of listening to someone else ask questions. Then eight hours of asking questions. Honestly, I wish I could hire someone else to do it for me. Like a hobo. Id loan him or her a suit of Jer's. I'd even watch his shopping cart for him while he did it.

This Saturday is Over the Top Hip Hop. I may buck the trend and not wear hot pants this year. I am going as a chola instead.

November 19-- fuck! already?

First of all, its November 19. I hate November 19.

I really had grandiose plans of blogging for every day of November. I am a dreamer. An unrealistic dreamer.

In case you are unaware (ie. because you are a. not Canadian or b. do not care) Calgary's football team the Stampeders, which I do actually cheer for, are in the Grey Cup this Sunday. I am very very very excited about this. I have been to a bunch of Stamps games this season and was at last Saturday's triumphant victory. Had we not of won, I would likely be complaining about how frickin cold it was that day...but the memory of my frozen ass is not as great as the jubilation of the win.

Saturday also Jer and I found this really cute baby kitten on our street. We brought her in, fed her, kept her overnight and put up signs in our neighbourhood. I was starting to think that even a dog person can like a cat....until Eva tried to eat her. We ended up taking her to a vet clinic who would look for her owner or take her to the SPCA if no one showed. I am still kinda sad about it.

I am also sad about my pant situation. I own pants varying in sizes from 2 to 10. None fit me...and not in the ways you'd expect. I have size 8s that are too small and 4s that i need a belt to keep up. Seriously. what the fuck? Id go buy new ones, but what size? And really, what would be the point? So the next time I lose/gain five pounds they wont fit? Fuck it. Im buying all lycra from now on.

I am now officially in love with Flight of the Conchords. I giggle about them all day long. Currently I have the French song in my head. Ahhh, La conversation dans la parc! I guess what makes them even funnier is that Jer manages a band with 2 people in it...and made a video...and tshirts...with robots. I havent asked if he does roll call at the beginning of each meeting.

Hey, how 'bout them Oilers?

This post has been quite the clusterfuck. I have pretty much posted 6 different posts in one. That means Im only 2 days off from posting every day this month. Yippee.

I lost my parking ticket. Now my first born child belongs to the centennial parkade.

I'm at a fancy firm downtown. The mints in the candy dish have their initials on it.

I think they forgot I'm here. The bike messanger is also lonely.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

While it seems that everyone else in the free world was watching his acceptance speech I was in bed reading a Douglas Adams book.

So, I love exit polls. It was one of my fave things to write about when I got my first degree ( Fun fact: My Political Science BA has a specialization in Political Psychology and Voting Behaviour.). On all the twenty seven hours of election coverage, they base so much of their info on what people are telling them...effectively informing those who have not yet voted who is likely ahead if they want to jump on the old bandwagon...however, a lot of people do lie. No one wants to be a racist or sexist, right?

So, because all that I do on my blog is educational and scientific, I decided to do my own exit polls:


Name: Ma'at-- Egyptian Goddess of Virtue and Justice.
Age: Few thousand or so
Voted for: McCain. They were in the same homeroom in Home Ec.



Name: Princess Puppyhead
Age: 6 mos.
Voted For: McCain. As a pitbull, she also likes wearing lipstick sometimes. And shes full of folksy cuteness...*wink*



Name: Snowbie the Non-Seasonal Snowman
Age: twenty something
Voted for: Obama. A snowman for all seasons, a president for all reasons. (I told him this was lame and he got really mad at me)



Name: Gumby and his "life partner" Pokey
Age: Mid 50s
Voted for: Obama. Ahem, guess why.



Then I told them all that they are just the toys in my office and not elligible to vote due to the facts that they are 1) Not registered 2) Not American and 3) Inanimate.

Happy Blow-vember

This month already blows. Congratulations! (said in the Target Lady's voice. I miss the Target Lady. Where did you get those rainbow suspenders! They will look perfect with my green quilted pantsuit!)

Notwithstanding that quoting the Target Lady has now brought a smile to my face, I am pissy. Here I was all planning to post my halloween pics on here....and then one of those shittay things that happens only to me happens... I WAS FUCKING SERVED.

I am being sued by a client of mine from 2005 who was a total dickhead and says because of my negligence he is out $68 000. I know i will be okay, as the even that he said i "negligently performed" was actually something that happened before I was his lawyer, worked at this firm, or was even called to the bar yet. Its still a reaaaaal fucking piss off, though. I need to go through all the steps of hiring counsel and defending this fucking thing. Like i said, happy fucking Blowvember.

In related news, I am going to take a bag of Digi and Eva's dogshit and throw it at his house.

In other related news, I want to punch this fucking douchenozzle until blood pumps out of his mouth, ears, and nose.

Ahhh. I feel better now. Here is me as Princess Leia.



Here Princess Leia says 'Help me dead Elvis and Vampirella...you are my only hope"

Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick

(thats a line from 'Stuart' by the Dead Milkmen. Those guys were awesome. I was singing that song today)

First, to my followers, I thank you from the bottom of my ass. You guys rule and I need to put together some sort of gift pack for members only. It will likely be awesome.

Speaking of awesome, how is it that I have been on the internet for so long...and today is the first time I have seen this? I thought we were friends. Why would you keep this from me? I havent been so excited since the laser picture website.

I have carrot burps. Deal with it

I am officially sick of 'sexy' costumes. Yes. Its. Official. I have been looking at costume accessories and I am shocked that you can no longer be a witch, Dorothy, Alice in Wonderland, a princess, or even a fucking ghost unless it is prefixed with 'sexy'. That being said, my costume is sexy... but not in the tits and ass in the air way. More sultry, I guess. (Note: The only time 'Sexy' is still allowed is for Jesus. And especially when he is rocking me.)

I also am sick of high maintenance people. You have to fucking baby them or they turn into a little mushy pile of suck and moan and cry until you get so sick of them that you do what they want to shut them the fuck up. This is approx. 95% of my clients right now. Some lady actually wanted me to make her daughter a dentist appointment for her today. Cuz 'OOOOooh if i do it my husband will be mad. Cant you just do it?' Fuck. Piss off and die. And take back the Sexy Red Riding Hood costume you bought for your daughter shes eight for fuck sakes. (Im just assuming that last part. Its pretty likely though)

What am I not sick of? Unicorns. and Robocop.

Fame Whores and junkies

I just noticed that I "lost" a follower. I didnt even know what that meant when they put that on my profile...well now im losing them and i didnt even know i had them. I am the economy.

I really dont like Madonna. I dont. I guess I dug her schtick during her cross burning and S and M days, but other than that... yeah. It got old. Fast. And speaking of schtick her new one is 'oh im getting a divorce'. Because she has already checked off adopting a child under suspicious circumstances, putting a nude photo book, and french kissing a slut wannabee as other ways to end up in the media in the past 10 years so shes running out of new famewhore ideas to bring up every 6 months to stay in the spotlight. I wonder if she is going to recycle more of those deliberate acts to make it into the news-- I mean she already 'did' high profile celebrity divorce in the past... if anything this could be good for Guy Ritchie. It worked for Sean Penn. I actually am going to start the conspiracy theory that she and guy planned this all along... she has a new tour, he has a movie. Lets get some hits on google when we need it. Say approx. seven years from now. That sounds about right.

Ok. Rant done. I just dont like Madonna. Or Julia Roberts... but you all knew that.

My nephew is blackmailing me to go to his bday this weekend. I have no choice. Attend or be bad auntie forever.

My diet type thing is going well. I miss candy. I miss eating those chocolate covered coffee bean crack that are in my desk when i am sleepy. When i fit back in my dress pants it will be worthwhile.... whenever that may be. Although i wonder if keeping under my points is worth my sanity. I now cannot stop thinking about them.

Shit. I need a fix.

I do FH Mondays

See more Nick Swardson videos at Funny or Die

I want to go home and sew shit. And maybe do some blow. (j/k)

Here is a random thought: I will someday name my autobiography "Confessions of a Shower Pisser".

This is why i dont usually blog on Saturdays. Im not too interesting

Just to let you know, I didnt get fired yesterday. Actually, they kinda kissed my ass and asked, no begged, me not to leave. Apparently, a lot of lawyers who i dont even know, know who i am and are 'impressed' with my reputation. ( Im assuming my legal reputation-- cuz the other one aint the best if you know what i mean, wink wink nudge nudge)

So, the Oilers are awesome.

Thats all i need to say about it. They are awesome and that statement deserves its own paragraph. They play the stupid flames tonight again. I hate those guys.

I think im high on oven cleaner fumes. Weeeehaw!! I think i will go do some shots to ride this high.

Thank you for my rage

Today I think I could kill someone with my bare hands. I was in court this morning...it was slow as hell...i didnt need to be there but the other lawyer would not answer my calls for an adjournment...and i had to wear my emergency court outfit (a skirt) despite the fact that my legs were hairy as hell.

Now I am awaiting going in for my work performance review. Not the best of times mood wise for me to be discussing my progress. I may just get angry and turn into a tiny hulk. See below:



(if you have never seen her before, be sure to watch all of Ms Pequena's work on that page)

Despite my rage, Ive been laughing my ass off all day thinking about 'Mark Walhberg Talks to Animals' from SNL a few weeks ago. I keep wanting to tell people, animals, and inanimate objects to say hello to their mothers for me.

Maybe ill post after my review if i have some rage to vent. Maybe not.

Go oilers.

Electioneering

There was an election here yesterday. Did you vote? Oh yeah, it didnt matter either way. The same asshats with the same asshat party was elected. No fucking change. Just more old guys talking about gun rights. Yes, even the political science degree holders are officially jaded.

I started a diet program Tuesday-- mostly to encourage limited eating in a certain someone that I live with (yes-- its Digit) The lack of sugar in my coffee is making me crabby. I tried flavoured almond milk ( you read that right) and it aint cutting it. I think this is causing more stress in my life than i care to deal with.

Speaking of delicious food, T-Giving went down without a hitch... I almost dropped the turkey...catching it mere inches from the floor...but other than that everything was good. We ate a bunch of weed brownies and got really weird. Jer was a frickin one man show. He kept nattering on about stuff that made no sense such as 'turduckenbuckets' and 'chocolate muumuus' and told us to start calling him by his most famous alias, Rex Morgan. I just kept thinking i was in a sitcom and even had my own catch phrase "Oh, Damn!" that i would say before every commercial break. Yeah, good times.

I know its only 2 games in, but the Oilers are going to rock this year. I can feel it. I am immenseley excited over Cogliano, Gagner, Gilbert, and, of course, my boyfriend, Horcoff. I think there is no way for this team to go, but to the top.

Lets see, I touched on drugs, hockey, politics and coffee...must be missing something... porn. Well, not really, but if you are a geek like me, this is sorta like porn. (yes, its SFW. Nerds.)

Everyones Gotta be something, Me, Im Stupid

Telling yourself that you are no longer sick and actually not being sick are two very different things. Yeah. Hence, two minutes into bootcamp yesterday I collapsed on the ground in coughing.

I wish my grumbling was cured as well. I think only one thing can cure it. LONG MUTHAFUCKIN WEEKEND, FUCKERS!!!! (Haha. I love feeling like Kid Rock. Cant you just hear him saying that? )

I hope to drink excessively. and make pie this weekend. (which is what Mr. Rock likely also has in store this weekend. I wish i was one of those skilled Wunderkinds when it came to computers and id make a mash-up of American Badass and pictures of fat kids eating pie. Can I just say this is the most thought i gave to Kid Rock today? Can i also say that im now really into parentheses? Its the new ellipses. Did you like that i didnt call them brackets? I didnt dum it down for y'all)

The title is from a song called 'Rico' by Matthew Good Band. Really good song. (Its old. Like most of my music selections. The nineties ruled, what can i say? The radio station i listen to has been playing his Band alot lately cuz they are putting on a show and you can only win your way in whenever his band or Soundgarden or Chris Cornell songs play....because they are both doing the show. I really want to go due to my aforementioned love of the 90s and almost drove my car into a bridge yesterday trying to be the 9th caller. They play a lot of 90s music on there. I will win tickets to that show or drive into a bridge trying)

Ive been writing affidavits for 7 hours. I think thats why im very verbose.

Have a fucking great night motherfuckers! (and be sure to think of kid rock and the 90s at least a little bit before you go to bed)



(there is no purpose for this picture other than MUST. USE. PARENTHESES.)

Help me, Pony Wan, You're my only hope

This is pretty much the most awesome thing ever. It already sold, or I would be battling others on Ebay for it....

I have decided that I am no longer going to be sick. Period. I am done. No more coughing, feeling dizzy and crappy. Im perfectly healthy. Lookit me.

I "walked" for the cure on Sunday. I was sad to not run, but there shall be other events for me to run in, and it was better than ending up in the hospital. As it is still Breast Cancer Sucks Month ( that has a better ring than 'awareness', dont it?) I encourage you to go here and join in with all the little bloggers and interwebbers who show their tatas for charity. Go Boobs!

My work is now monitoring the internet usuage of the office. This blows. How am i supposed to watch Dexter and Entourage and the Tudors online if i am supposed to be working? Idiots. I bet orange sellers in Mexico dont have this problem.

I just realised that if i am going to have a kickass halloween costume, I better start working on it. I have four or five ideas, but havent decided which one yet.

Run fat girl, Run.

First of all this is my new favourite website. I have never had laser pictures taken-- my sister had them at high school, but the coolness did not continue into my junior high. Alas, I must love the laser pics of others instead.

So some fun facts about yours truly:

1. I am supposed to run a 5 km charity run for Breast Cancer this weekend. I have been running almost every day for the last five weeks in anticipation

2. I was just informed that I have bronchitis. I was instucted to take four days off of work ( haha, yeah right...like that could happen)and to stop all my exercise.

Urg.

In other exciting news, I hate my job, career choice, and want to run away to Mexico to sell oranges on the side of the highway. Naranjas, hombre?

I think im allergic to my hair mousse. Its gonna be a long ass day

For more go here

Engrish and Star Wars, together at last.

Verrrrrrrrn, quit your pissing and moaning!

Pretty much my fave line from 'Stand By Me'. I have no idea why its in my head right now.

I saw 'Burn after Reading' last night. Its the typical Coen brothers' fare: great characters and a weird plot that just kinda ends when it does. ( alot like Fargo, which they also did). Its worth watching for Pitt and Clooney who are both great and portray quirky characters.

Speaking of Brad Pitt, my african child, Neema, sent me a picture and drawing. Damn shes cute. I recommend getting an african child. I was looking up on the interweb where she is from and thought it looked pretty (its near Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania). I was all gangbusters on looking at going there someday...and then I read travel advisories for Tanzania. Including, but not limited too, attacks from Al-Qaida, drive by fire bombings, and piracy. Yes. Pirates. So I dont see a trip to visit Neema anytime soon.

I think I know what i am dressing up as for Halloween. Maybe. I dunno.

One of these days I will post pictures again. I think Ive been putting it off due to the fact that im pretty much the fattest i have ever been in my life and this causes strife.

Anyone want a dog? Eva over the last three days has pissed on my carpets twice, ripped apart my kitchen garbage, and ATE my fucking cupboards. Yes, ate it. There is a piece of wood missing and everything. Little shit.

Fail. Indeed.

Just lazy. Sorry.

Apparently the only time i have the urge to type you all a story now is after hours of shots and blow. Sorry. Honestly. I am.

Im all pretty boring right now. Work and sleep and bootcamp...with the odd dose of reality tv thrown in for measure. I think the most exciting thing in my life is that i have decided that i am going to San Diego Comic Con next year to totally geek out... and nothing is going to stop me. I better start looking for a costume to wear.

I think i am coming down with a cold in light of the fact that Calgary is freezing out. There was frost this morning. Fuck. Nice two weeks of summer. I hoping that this 'funk' is all weather/cold based and i shall be my regular spirited and jolly self (HA!) after that. Yeah. Right.

500 is both late and early

i went to an oasis show. it ruled. why didnt they play live forever? thats my fave song. too much stimulation tonight. i wish i could sleep. better play another 2 hours of singstar.

Why am I singing the offspring and defending salt and pepper wings

And inthe bathroom again? Dude. I dinno.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Juicy's Fave Blog Posts: Year 1

Here is my 'best of' list from August 2004 to August 2005. Keep in mind that I was single for most of this, okay? (Jer didnt come in until February 2005...and yes, I tried to pick amusing versus smootchie posts so thats why he doesnt figure too prominantly)



Mexico Trip

I decide to throw stereo equipment from my balcony



Me in Belize-- what? you thought i wouldnt include even one bikini pic?

I get drunk as fuck in Canmore

Naked in a hottub. Classy. ( no-- there are no pics. Pervs.)



These chicks took part in the canmore and banff 'incidents'

Drugs, groping, alcohol and motherfucking sandwiches



who invited her to the party?

Hookers are people too....they just dont make good love interests in movies

more graph humor and song chart memes

Seriously. Y'all know that I hate that movie, right? And Julia Roberts. Seriously. Shes a whore. What are the chances that if this movie happened in reality Richard Gere would end up with Syphillis or getting shanked when he wasnt looking? Pretty high, Im guessing.

Speaking of high, go see Pineapple Express. Friggin hilarious.

So my blog is approaching 4 years old... I think for the next few days Im going to post my "best of" each year posts and then maybe steal the questions from some dumb interview i find on the internet and answer it for your amusement. Actually, my amusement. Thats really what this is all about. I mean, honestly. The last people who liked reading my blog just jettisonned me from their bloglists when i voiced disdain for her Royal Robertsness.

Ok. I better start reading my archives.

canadian medal count...

You have slept with 30 more people than the average 31 year old female.

Thanks quiz. Way to make me feel like a whore.

I am currently sitting in my office and am mildly annoyed. I tried to ask the internet to amuse me, and instead wound up feeling annoyed...and cheap.

Olympics start tomorrow. Does anyone actually care? Maybe cuz i live in Canada--the perpetual underdog of Olympic events. We are pessimistic so we are pleasantly surprised when we win a medal. Ask a Canadian to name 5 Summer Olympians and they will name 2 that exist, 2 that competed in the 1980s and one person who is actually a member of the Mens Olympic Hockey team. ( and yes, smartasses, if you answer 5 now on my blog in the comments i will know that you had to google/go to the CBC webpage to find them.)

I want to go camping this weekend. I dont think its going to happen...hence, annoyment.

I also want to go home right now.

And I want a pony.

A nice one.

With rainbow hair.

Maybe Ill have to sleep with someone to get a pony that nice.

Then I will have slept with 31 more people than the average 31 yr. old.

Actually, I look like a Socialist

Happy August, Motherfuckers!!

You totally missed out on Mint Juleps this weekend because, as it was the August Long Weekend, I was required by law to make a deeeelicious batch of those tasty treats and serve them to my friends. And yes, the price of cotton was discussed.

Today I was walking to court and some derelict (read as: fancy ass way of saying "hobo") yelled at me that i looked like a Communist. Must have been my Chairman Mao hat and giant Marx-esque beard. Wait. What?

My next hobby is about to rear its little head. (Even though my other hobbies are feeling neglected. Sorry baking pies, longboarding, and sewing *shrugs shoulders*) I have decided that yes, I am going to learn to play the bass guitar. Fun Fact: I have been saying this for approximately 12 years. Still no bass has been purchased. I actually know nothing about bass ownership or purchase ( or playing-- but thats a mere technicality to be rectified by befriending some hairy dude who works at Axe Music or Guitarworx)

So, like, if you know about bass geetars...tell me...does this look ok? Kthanksbai

Also speaking about musique, A friend of a friend was over singing on the SingStar and heard me singing...and asked me if I wanted to sing with her in her band. Finally, I am discovered via a video game. Fuckin A.

Some sad news, my little lizard Kobayashi died Sunday. I really miss the fat bastard and my living room is very empty without him. I got him for my 30th bday. Sorry to end this on a depressing note...but...yeah...

sweet salty crispy deadly

Holy shit. Have you ever had chip-nuts? these things are fucked. And by fucked i mean delicious, scrumptious, addictive, and giving me a migraine.

On other, non chip nut related news, I did in fact have a fucking good time in Vancouver. Me and B wore dresses, bought shoes and purses, ate sushi and got drunk. We also were inspired by the story of Christian the Lion and kept "recreating" the reunion seen here. The funniest part, naturally, is the song. (the video, itself actually makes me cry)

We even wore Christian the Lion tshirts to the show
(yes-- I know its a tiger, but there were no $9.00 iridecent tshirts with lions on them). And during LSF, lo and behold what was Tim Harrington (the lead singer) wearing? A tshirt with a kitten on it. ( see? also inspired by Christian the lion)



Here is another LSF picture of Tim wearing a purse as a hat and playing a broom.

More on this later....

Vancouver was an absolute fucking blast. You can see my arm and the back of my head in the above video. When Tim ( the lead singer) disappears for a while, he was busy ramming his private bits into the face of an unsuspecting asian girl. So good.

He seriously sounds like count chocula

Holy crap, so I have again been really busy and apologize in the way I always seem to do. There. Done.

So last week I didnt blog because I was a big ole ball of angry. One of my client's ex husband is appealing an Order I got at the Court of Appeal. Which is a pretty big deal. Anyways, the man is representing himself. And hes nuts. TOTALLY NUTS.

Last week, this man sent me, the Law Society ( yeah-- he reported me there. Again.) and the Court of Appeal a letter all about how I am "mentally unstable" "coco" "unhinged" that my "bedfellows are deceitful" my "phraseology is reckless" etc. etc. etc. and that he recommends that I be comitted or sent for therapy. Basically, proving that he, himself is crazy. Oh, and he sounds like Count Chocula.

So I was sooooo pissed that steam was coming from my ears. I didnt want to blog my frustrations because I knew it would all end up ok on my end... and it has. I royally kicked his ass in Court Thursday and the Justice of the Court of Appeal was pissed at him for sending them all the libellous garbage about me and gave me costs against the asshole. Maybe when hes sending me a cheque for 2500 he can really think who is unhinged and coco.

The music video I was in ended up looking pretty awesome. Im not allowed to post it here yet...but lets just say my ass and the back of my head are in every shot and look pretty bitchin.

Have I talked about my addiction to Reno 911? Yeah, I have all five seasons now on DVD. Sweeeeet. I also bought Spaced-- which is written and stars the people who were in/wrote Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Its pretty frickin awesome as well.

I go to Vancouver today to have my second Quincenera and to see Les Savy Fav. Woot!

Amy Winehouse, holy ho downs, and video vixens

Whoa. Its been a long time when you cant remember what your password is. eep.

Sorry, all. Its really flippin hard to blog in the summer. No offence. Its just that i get super busy at work ( which is when i usually blog) and then during my time off work, the last thing i feel like is hangin out with a computer. (Fuck. This guy is now going to crash on me... hes such a bitch, and yes, my computer is male)

So lemme see. A few weeks ago, back when i started being less interested in typing and more interested in playing outside, Jer and I went to Kelowna, I attempted to wake surf ( note: "attempted") and had a fucking awesome time.

On the way back, we decided to stop at a bunch of fun 'roadside attraction' type places. I finally got to go to the 3 Valley Gap ghosttown that i always wanted to stop at when i was a kid and see all the tourista crap. Its strange that people never go to tourist trap thingys in their own towns and areas..when its normally the first thing they hit up when they are in a different country. Anyways, I digress. So we went there and then to Canyon Hotsprings. While at the hotsprings, some guy called me Amy Winehouse. Um....thanks

Stampede just ended here. Thank christ. The next douchebag in a cowboy hat yelling at me to take my shirt off was going to get a fat lip. Its strange how overnight in this city everyone becomes an insta-douche. And drunk. Ok, maybe not everyone. Some people act all 'Im not going down to that level, Im waaay to hip' and do Anti-Stampede events and parties. And gets drunk. So this year, I played 'let Stampede come to me, and I will do it, otherwise I will avoid it like the plague.' oh, and I got drunk. One event i did go to was a punk rock breakfast that invloved a lot of Caesars, some definately not country music, and hay bales (note: every place from the bank to daycares have hay bales in front of them during Stampede. Totally fucked.) I also wore a belt buckle that says Texas on it most days to work. That was my Stampede. Didnt even see the fireworks.

Last Saturday I was in a music video. I wore a bikini.

Holy fuck super wordy post. Ok Im done

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits.

Ah, George Carlin. RIP. May you use the 7 words in heaven as you never were allowed on earth.

Honestly, I think Tits is the only word that i dont use in regular rotation here on the blog. I must rectify that in old George's memory. Ill try to start slippin it in when I can. (haha. Slipping in and out "tits"? That means Id be tittyfucking.)

So I went to the Virgin fest this weekend and it kicked my ass. Pretty fuckin awesome. As expected, STP put on a great show. I had heard rumours that Scott had been acting up and there were already concerns about his sobreity...but luckily they held it together long enough for me to seem them. Wow. It only took 15 years.

As usual whenever I see celebs up close I am amazed on how tiny they are. Seriously, that guy was prolly 100 pounds soaking wet. This links to a video someone took of them on Saturday. Pretty damned cool, man.

Speaking of tits*, the Flaming Lips were surreal. I have never wished I was on mushrooms in public in all my life. Between Wayne Coyne's hamsterball, the flashlight holding teletubbies and all the balloons and confetti, it may have been the oddest show I have ever seen. I was really happy on the amount of people that seemed to know the words of their songs (and not just the ones that are commercials). Sing along to Yoshimi battles the Pink Robots here with me and my Calgarian kin. (*there were tits,actually ... three naked chicks jumped on stage with them)

Despite being one of the first acts of the day, the Fratellis also had a great lively show. Maybe its just the scottish accent which always melts me, but I really enjoyed them and have since bought their album and a have a Tshirt on order on Ebay. (no Vfest videos on youtube, sorry) I also ran into them later in teh show and told the drummer that i heart them.

The suprise of the day was Face to Face, who were the sole punk act of the 'Fest. They put on a great set with lotsa energy and made some jabs at the people who were just there waiting for Three Days Grace (aka band that plays on commercial radio and had a legion of teen fans there) to play.

Most people who would blog about VFest would also complain that the beer garden and piss lines were too long. Neither really affected me. I was too excited about the music to get wasted and miss everything.

Ways to get hated

Post this on the Hamlet2 website

June 19, 2008 1:13 PM | juicya writes:
Ok-- first it sucks that because Im Canadian I cannot see the redline trailer... who knew that not having a US drivers would get me in the end

second-- dear Jesus Freaks: Obviously this movie isnt for you. Pizz off. Shouldnt you be sucking Mel Gibson's cock right about now?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have realised something: I think I am a Coldplay fan. I know a lot of people hate on them for various reasons and people who, generally, love Radiohead think they are a big rip off. Ive never thought that. In fact, I think i actually like them. I have never purchased an album, but know the lyrics to most of their songs and really cant seem to stop singing Violet Hill.

Im sorry if this changes your opinion of me. If so, please also feel free to suck Mel Gibson's cock.

Im going to Virgin Festival with my sister this weekend. She is sort of a virgin, music wise. I think the only concert she has seen was Reba MacIntyre back in the 1990s. Hopefully Scott Weiland wont be picked up for Heroin use in the next 48 hours. Im also excited to see the Fratellis and Flaming Lips. Woot Woot.

In case you are keeping track

I am cheering for:

1. France at World Cup



2. Jesse on the Bachelorette



3. That blonde chick on Shot of Love II




These are things which i have been asked more than five times in the last day. (Note: 4 of the 5 questions were about World Cup. I picked them because my grandma is from there and Poland is not very good. No one actually asked me about Shot of Love, I just really like that show and Jer is "dissapointed" that I like to watch it)

This weekend I went to a Bat Mitzvah with a theme of 'A night at the Roxbury' (yeah-- that head bobbing movie) It was fun, yet, unlike the movie there were no references to doing cocaine. Likely because most of the attendees were 13. I tried my best to get shitface wasted... I only managed to get kinda drunk.

I wore the Fucking Sweet dress, yet did not manage to take any pictures of me wearing it. ( I felt bloaty, to be honest...and did not want to remember it on my fatness)

Italy just scored. Boo-urns.

I am going to Kelowna for the long weekend...you know what that means? Yep. More bikini pictures of yours truly.

LSF + Juicy A = World peace

I am 40 ft tall and I eat clouds

I just had a crazy person in my office. Never to be outdone, while he was telling me his life story, my notes were not actually transcribing what he was saying, but writing random things (such as the title above) I also wrote "please stop please stop oh for the love of humanity please stop"

I just ate some cold pizza. It was pretty dried out and i couldnt actually tell what kind it was. Pineapple maybe? I think that was a red pepper. I think I now know why I was told to eat it. Mental note: Dont trust a man with his own pool cue, or people giving away free pizza.

Yesterday I went to the dentist. Look, no cavities. Oh, except for the fact that I will likely need some major orthodontic shit done ( imagine a dentist with cartoon dollar signs in his eyes)all is good. I really dont think I have the ego to get braces at 31. Seriously.

Yesterday my sweet heavenly sewing machine arrived. I am going to the fabric store today to get some shit to start sewing. Maybe this new hobby will quell my current hobby-- becoming really involved with Shot of Love II.

I bought a fucking sweet outfit today. FUCKIN SWEET.

I blasted this post out in less than 3 minutes. Booyah

Can you Fly me over yesterday?*

Ok. So I planned to post more today but got stuck doing work. This whole 'working' thing has really gotten in the way of my bloggin, procrastinating, purchasing things i do not need on the internet, and reading about celebrity gossip. Bullshit.

So heres what else i planned to write earlier today:

I hada dream last night that me and Andre Benjamin were fighting Zombies. I was all kicking ass and impaling sharpened staircase railings in their eyes( naturally) and then all of a sudden, Rose McGowan told me that Mrs. Dingleberry (no, not her real name...but it should be) a very annoying client of mine was on the phone and wanted to know if her husband's lawyer had called. Gawd. I can even have kickass zombie dreams without work fucking it up.

(Note: Add to 'To do list' that I should Write a movie starring OutKast and involving a bored family lawyer who kills Zombies with parts of her stairs.)

Im going to Vancouver in July ( as part of Juicy's summer Concert Series) to see Les Savy Fav...and naturally, to hang out with Best Friend Vancouver, Weeiner. It has been decided that we need to have a second Quincenera-- Called Quincenera II: The Quintessential Quincenera and I now need a new party dress to wear to it.



Its not every day a girl turns fifteen... but its at least once a year

I believe it will be quite awesome.

I also have a Bat Mitzvah this Saturday. Apparently I will need a dress for this as well. Killing two excuses to shop with one stone...

(* The last two titles are from Damn Yankees' hit High Enough. A truly emotional ballad which I was singing last Friday at the Fabulous Tropicana)

Can you take me high enough?

Its a really good thing I didnt have my Visa on Friday, or in drunken brilliance I would have bought the 'Rock Ballads' Cd set they were advertising on the TV at the bar. I was singing along to such favourites as 'Carrie' by Europe, 'Sarah' by Starship, 'Kyrie' by Mister Mister...and other great 80s songs with girl's names as the titles. I really am glad I didnt have another drink and shop experience, especially one where I would receive another CD reminder every two weeks.

Then again, it says Id spend hundreds of dollars trying to find all these classics in one place...maybe I should rethink it after all.

The weekend was pretty much a write off. The most constructive thing I did all weekend was shower and wash my hair Saturday. The rest of the time I was cooking, watching movies, or having PMS induced battles with people. It has literally fucking rained for two weeks straight. I dont recall moving to England, so this is alarming to me.

I still havent gotten my sewing machine. I will though. Oh, yes.

Heres some more stuff that i hate

I dont know how many times ive watched that today.

(FUN FACT!: I just realised the amount of 'Diabetes' songs and remixes good ole Wilf has on Youtube. I think i found a new passion...)

There was something that I was going to tell you about. Now its gone....gone...gone...

Oh wait

Lilacs. I fucking hate them. They are total assholes. Oh, Look at me. Im a fucking scented purple flower. Blah Blah. Everyone loooooves me. Oh, fuck you, you pretentious fuck.



Fucking Assholes. Just look at them.


Bet you never heard someone yell at a flower before. Hah! You got no idea.
Wait til you see me around strawberries. Now thats a plant I can totally get my hate on about. (Im allergic to them, by the way, and our neighbourhood is full of them. I spend most of my drive home with my arm out the window cuz Im giving them the finger. )

Did I mention how kickass our garden is going to be? It is. Fucking superstar. I think I am going to take over the northwest with Zuchini plants. Because they are coming up gangbusters.

I plan on picking up a sewing machine any day now. Then i will be able to make my own Project Runway-esque creations. Kickass.

A girl that I was friends with when I was dating super ex ( and she was dating best friend of super ex) contacted me via facebook and wants to hang out. Im totally game...although i think it may be a leeetle weird. She is now married to best friend of super ex and he is still best friends with super ex...and super ex's wife. I know, I should just strap on some balls and not think about that... but Im just worried of an awkward moment where 'his' or 'her' name may come up in conversation and it'll be like one of those scenes in a movie....y'know, this one:

.....crickets chirp....

Yeah. Aw fuck it. I think it would be fun to see em again.

Im sorry Im so fucking curse-y. I think cuz its supposed to rain again this weekend and Im fucking sick of the rain. Almost as nauseating as those fucking Lilacs.

Fucking June, already?

Wow. Its Fucking June. Wow. Time flies when your, uh, um....working and sleeping and taking antibiotics.

So I missed a few blog-able events over the past two weeks that I guess should be mentioned.

1. I may have turned 31. Meh. The highlight was that Jer bought me SingStar (the GuitarHero of singing) and I rocked that fucker like a motherfucking storm. I can sing Creep by Radiohead to 99% perfection.

2. I may have pneunomia. Yeah. Seriously. Most people would had taken this as a sign to stay home from work more than one day. Most people would be right in doing such. Yeah. I aint most people. (ps. I am actually coughing up blood. No, there is no punchline on this. I am. Really. The doctor sed so)

3. I saw the first show of the "Ultimate Summer of Concerts of Juicy A"-- the Hives. They fucking ruled and put on a great show. Jer thought it was an all ages show when we got there. I confirmed that no, thats just what 18 year olds look like. Fuck man, do you know they arent even old enough to have listed to Nirvana while Kurt Cobain was alive? Faaaaaaaack.

4. I saw Indiana Jones. I may have come a little in my pants.

5. I saw this trailer. I may have peed a little. (Its the 'all ages trailer', but if you go to the website you can see the R Rated one (which is hilarious) but I cant post on here because I dont have an American drivers license)



6. I may be so done with this numbering of paragraphs thing

HNT: Good things in threes

Happy 3rd Birthday HNT!

The great and powerful Os asked me to be part of the HNT 3rd Bday birthday project for "those who were instrumental in the early growth of HNT"... wha? lil ole me? "Instrumental" Im not too sure about, but I was one of the early joiner inners and I thank him for the recognition.

Go check out the other HNT mavericks here

And now, as good things come in threes, here are pics of my fave three things... my tattoos.







Go say hi to the rest of the partiers here

I was not abducted by pirates...

(ahem, Rum and Ganja and bikini)

...did not drown in rum...nor smoked so much ganja that i forgot where i lived and failed to make it back to Calgaria.

Ive just been busy, man.

So, in case there was any doubt, I did in fact have an amazing time in Jamaica... and yes, I spent the entire vacation in a bikini. Here are some highlights:



No I was not on Survivor...and no im not lying to you. (ps. Thats my Britany inspired 'weave guard'TM that Im wearing too)



what shapes do you see in my horrible cleavage burn? I see Australia.



YS Falls in south Jamaica. Jer rode a Tarzan swing into this river. I thought it was too scary. So I just posed like a top model.



THE APPLETON RUM PLANTATION!!!! (aka My Disneyland.)



I got excessively drunk in a very short period of time. I blame the 'all you can drink' sample bar.



We went painting shopping at the Fern Gully.



Ate TONS of Jerk Chicken ( this is a dude slow roasting it at a "Jerk Centre" we went to on the side of the road)



Took a Reggae dance class ( and ending up cutting up my foot pretty bad on the floor while I was dancing barefoot...stupid rum.)



Bought some very stylish clothing

And, of course, hung out on the beach

Survivor

I have been wearing my survivor tune top and ppl think I was on the show. When I say no they think I'm lying.

Went to appletons rum tour yesterday and was excessively punk in drublic.

I also practice rasta.

This place rules.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Yeah Mon

5 s of Jamaica. Sun sea sand sex and smoke. All 5 have been accomplished.

This rules. Wasted and sunburned and a lot of rob Schneider movies on da TV.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Checklist to a Vacation

Sleep medication: Check

Sleep mask: Check

Pre-printed boarding passes: Check

Suitcase packed and re-packed to my type a personality delight: check

Vacation commenced:.......well.... not yet... but in theory (hopefully no one really expects me to do anything today. Im a little distracted over the fact that my flight leaves in 12 hours and 10 minutes.)

So I think I figured out the pictures and stuff on my blackberry to port-o-blog. Assuming, of course, that I have service there...and that Im sober enough to work my blackberry.

I have a few goals for this trip:

1. Drink heavy

2. Live the 'Rasta' lifestyle

3. Dance to Reggae

4. Drink Heavy

5. Get my hair did up in cornrows ( c'mon...weve all seen that episode of Friends where Monica goes to Jamaica...her hair goes huge...and she gets cornrows, which Chandler thinks are ugly... and then she gets them caught in the shower curtain... yeah)

6. After the Cornrows, recreate the Bo Derek scene in '10'.

I think thats all i need to do.

I just need to get on that plane... which is now 12 hours and 7 minutes away...not that im counting

HNT: Ready for the Beach

So its less than 48 hours until Jamaica... and Im ready to get my bikini on.

It took shady diet pills, hours of Bikini Bootcamp, and annoying jogging to get me in the body that I feel comfortable parading around in.

Im also ready in that Im friggin pasty white as hell and will likely blind someone. Thats actually why Im holding the flower...cuz otherwise the pic would cause widespread snowblindness in all that saw it.

Go see Os and say hi to my other half nakers peeps.

FYI I used my blackberry to send some pics on here...k lets see if they work

IMG00048.jpg

image/jpeg
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

IMG00047.jpg

image/jpeg
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

My stripper name is still Trixie Firecracker

Holy christ muthafucka. This is my 700th post. Eat that.

So I was re-reading some of Diablo Cody's blog posts from back in the day, and then reading mine...and realised that at some point in time... we were very similar in our day to day lives and blog posting.

Now Im sitting in an office wishing that it was 5:00 so I could go home and watch Top Model, and she's got an Oscar. Huh. where did i go wrong and she go right? I want controversy over million dollar shoes. So I plan to write a screenplay. I mean, how hard can it be, right? I wrote a play about pirates that I re-did on Saturday to, again, positive reviews.



Note: Hailie is in the first row

I am now constantly saying to my assistant "You'll be nicer to me when I have an Oscar".

Im also constantly mocking my assistant for hurting her ankle and limping. I keep calling her 'Gimpy' and 'Hopalong'. (Haha. Ps. Its Administrative Assistant Day)

I added a music type player to the bottom of my blog. (It was supposed to be on the side. I dont know what happened) But I turned the 'auto-play' off cuz its hard to stealth-blog at work when 'Sure shot' starts blaring from my computer everytime I come on here. So yeah, feel free to go ahead and listen to the music that makes me shake my rump.

I should put my setlist for amateur night up there in Diablo's honour.

Remind me to HNT tonight. Im trying to get back into that swing. KTHANXBYE

Ranting on the run

why do people keep showing up for walk in appointments? Why? This isnt McDonalds people! And these are people who have been my clients for months...they know i dont play that shit. I mean come on. If I tell you i cant see you this week...its not because Im sitting in my office with my thumb up my ass. You arent going to catch me sitting around doing nothing.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!


ps. My fish died. Im pretty bummed about it...but i hope in fishy heaven they remember to feed him a little more regularily...

Oh just eat your gefilte fish** and shuddup

Afikomen: (say it Aff-ee-co-min)(Hebrew language: אפיקומן, based on Greek, epikomen or epikomion, meaning "that which comes after" or "dessert") is a piece of matzah which is hidden in the early stages of the Passover Seder and eaten after the festive meal.

Africamen (say it "Africo-men")slang for someone from Africa ( likely with a less than positive meaning)

Dont get these two mixed up at Passover Dinner-- apparently it is hilarious and an excuse to make fun of the Shiksa who doesnt know any different.

(**Gefilte fish (Yiddish: געפֿילטע פֿיש) (English: filled fish) are poached fish patties or balls made from a mixture of ground deboned fish, mostly carp (common carp). They are popular in the Ashkenazi Jewish community.-- They are also really gross)

Its whats in my pants that counts

Oh, hi, just me... breezing through my high class lifestyle. Jetting off to Milan, drinking martinis with two sweet onions in them, wearing pearls and hats with jaunty feathers in them, having a forbidden affair with a married co-star.

Oh wait. Im not Katherine Hepburn. Its just my pants.

I was feeling stange and bought these plaid, wide leg, HIGH WAISTED pants. OMFG what was I thinking...right? No, they are actually pretty cool and make me look tall and willowy. I even bought this blouse that i need to tuck. Tuck in! Fuck, where is my jaunty feather hat?

I have been horribly motivated work wise... and highly motivated blog wise. Maybe cuz Im summering in Jamaica in seven sweet days. I just keep getting easily distracted and wandering away from custody applications...and into such non-work related things as 1. learning to pole dance 2. trying to find a new couch for my house and 3. reading my own archives to see if my life is actually interesting. The jury is still out.

Here is something that is totally TMI-- but maybe my sisters out there (can I get a hell-yeah?) can understand. Since my last vay-cay (BTW... i hate when cosmo calls a vacation "vacay". Stupid, man, just stupid) I havent waxed my hoo-ha. And I never really realised since I was trying on my bikinis yesterday that 'hot damn!' I have a giant bush. I mean, yeah, its been since December that ive gone 'au natural'... but really, Im surprised that i never really noticed until yesterday how bad it was.

Okay, I have a discovery in the next 30 min..and im still trying to prep. Fuck this blows.



my highpants bring all the boys to the yaaard

HNT 2008: A return...somewhat

So I was playin around with a wig i own...and lo and behold, I decided to take some pics that were of lil ole me wearing nuffink but a wig, a necklace, and a slight smirk.

I liked this one cuz it looks like an album cover for an older, more hippie/folk-less-pop Tiffany album...for her "Out of the Mall and Into the Granola" tour.

Go say hi to Osbasso (osbasso.blogspot.com) and tell 'em if you played

Shady shady shady (or: a glimpse inside 'RapidSlim addiction')

FYI Cinders-- 'shady' is the only way to explain my diet pills. One step before 'sketchy' two steps after 'strange'. Speaking of which, I think I understand Anna Nicole in a whole new light. I feel like getting impregnated by some douchebag and having a cross-eyed baby.

My camera has been unsuable for the blog lately because I rolled my chair over the connecting wire thing and couldnt upload anything. I just fixed said wire with a pair of scissors and a paperclip. Technology, I beat you again! (**shakes fist)

Here is a little gem i took last week. I wish I could take credit for the sign--but it wasnt me....this time. I almost ran into the back of an Uplander trying to take it...but it was worth it. The soccer mom in said SUV was Not (with a capital 'N') Impressed about the sign.



I have been obsessed with unicorns lately. Telling everyone its my life's ambition to be a unicorn when i grow up and such. So how funny was it when my parents brought me a box of glass unicorns that used to be on my dresser as a kid and a giant unicorn blanket when they came last weekend.



This colony is now in my bathroom ( strangely-- Jer said nothing until I asked his thoughts...and yes, they are still in the bathroom).I am trying to channel a Tennessee Williams ( or was it Tennessee Ernie Ford? I always get those confused) hero in this pic. (If i need to 'splain that to you-- go ahead and just call yer Grade 11 English teacher and apologize.)

I took a series of pictures with me wearing this wig because i think its funny. Dont i look like Im auditioning for Rock of Love 3? (ps. My name when i wear this wig is "Hailie". Hailie needs a man like Bret to keep her satisfied)